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Princess Equestria and the Eleventeen Fragments of the Friendship Chalice

by GroaningGreyAgony

Chapter 1: The Chundering of the Chalice

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Princess Equestria, the most superior ponygod whom everyone loves and admires, was raising the sun yet again. She did this by yelling at it until it moved. She used to do it by pushing the whole planet of Horserth around with her head, but to anyone standing nearby her it looked as if she were flapping her wings as hard as she could with her horn stuck in the ground like a dork.

Nowadays, she just stood on a mountaintop and screamed herself zebraic until the sun popped up hastily over the horizon, still combing its corona and dabbing makeup on a couple of spots. "Time for a tall cool drink," thought Equestria as she flew back to Castle Donkeycastle.

She telekinesed a bottle of Dos Equus from the fridge, popped the cap with her horn, and looked around for a clean cup, but there was only the Friendship Chalice, the eternal shining symbol of loving chumminess, so she shrugged and blew the dust and dead bugs out of it and poured in the beer. But no sooner had the Princess started to chug the cold frosty brew than the Friendship Chalice quivered and exploded, flying in pieces all over the p(a)lace!

Beer foam dripped from the angry muzzle of Princess Equestria. "How many pieces are there?" she brayed.

Her loyal ministers each clopped a forehoof slowly on the floor, counting.

"We conclude that there are very many of them, your Royal Equanity," said Apalaminas Apaloyurs, her loyalest minister.

"I am even more sure than Apalaminas, your Excruciating Hippolytness!" blurted Brownnose Asswaxer, her loyalist minister.

"I cannot be seen and am not sure I should even be speaking!" piped Dustmote Whisp, her miniature royalist.

"I say that it is close to infinity," burbled Jellyjowl Quiverhocks, her oiliest monster, "and that therefore the Chalice can never be reassembled!"

"I dare to state," stated Stater Twinklebelly, her sinister toiletist, "that the pieces number not infinity, but that there are exactly the highest number to which ponies cannot count—eleventeen. For the pieces are no longer here!"

And they were not, for an ebon shadow of umbrant darkness had passed through the Great Stable Hall and taken all the pieces! Everyone shat themselves right where they were standing, but no one cared because horses do that all the time.

Princess Equestria snorted majestically, inhaling several flies. "Enough!" she neighed. "Without the Chalice we cannot 'ship and the country of Horsestria or Horsetania is in danger. Let the Elements of the Harmonic Crusaders be assembled!"

And so the heralds blew their horns and lit up the ponytorch and sent forth the Emergency Chicken, and soon after there came the assemblage of the Crusading Harmonies of the Elements. From all over Horsemania they flew, ran, swam, burrowed, translocated, floomphed, drove, burckled, and rolled limply into the royal palace of Donkeycastle to demonstrate their supererogatory talents for the Princess.

Snowwhimper Icecreamheadache put two whole popsicles into her mouth and wiggled her tongue around in her cheeks for a bit and when she opened her mouth there was just one big popsicle with two sticks poking out the bottom of it. How does she do that? She is best pony.

Windbag Nosebook used her insufferable unicorn powers to make pedantic and snippy text annotations appear throughout every book in the castle. When Princess Equestria sees what happened to her rare comic book collection, she will be beyond pissed and Windbag will have to redraw all of them in her own blood.

Lightningfly Speedyfire had a hangover from last weekend and when she tried to fly to the castle she made such a feeble little Sonic RingBolt powerthingy that it stuck around her waist like a girdle and pinned her wings to her sides in midflight and that didn't work out very well at all. Yuckh.

Pariah Poot-Tail appeared and showed everyone how her tail lifted and wavered in a curious warm breeze every time SOMEONE ELSE SOMEWHERE stepped on a frog.

Prissy Wallflower showed how she could hypnotize blades of grass and make them stand absolutely still as she approached. The grass was utterly unable to escape her ravening maw! The grass blades stood there and screamed and screamed in terror and agony as she chewed and green blood dripped from her all-devouring lips!

Posey Moniker made made everyone everyone speak speak twice twice and was promptly executed.

Etherity did an interesting trick where she borrowed a huge and priceless diamond from the Princess and expanded it into an ugly black rock that burned with a foul oily smoke. The Princess kicked her ass so hard that her cutie marks disappeared forever and were replaced by a pair of huge red hoofprints.

Adjective Nounverber couldn't stop giggling and was gently suppressed with a snuggly-soft pillow filled with bricks.

And so at last the Harmonized Crusading Elementals and / or their understudies were all present and assembled in the Great Stable Hall. "Form the Fiery Rain Motion Wave Phoenix Boom Crystal Power Beam!" whined Windbag Nosebook. And they all leapt into the air and hung there and hovered with shimmering heat and glitterdust that got in everypony's manes and eyes.

"Don't worry, Princess," screamed Windbag, "We'll recover the Pieces of the Friendship Chalice for you! Everyone bite Pariah's tail!" But no one wanted to, so they all bit Windbag's tail instead. As Windbag yelled and struggled, the other Harmonentals looked at each other, licked their lips, and bit down again. Apparently Windbag had taken a shower that morning with a bottle of Gee Your Tail Tastes Like Strawberry Cheesecake, so they all started to chew and lick the hair off every inch of her body. And, also apparently, Windbag gets so upset by being tickled all over that she projectile vomits a huge tornado of partly digested alfalfa all over anyone in sight.

As everyone was trying to cope with the enormous mess, Princess Equestria sneaked quietly out of the castle gates to begin the quest for the Eleventeen Fragments of the Friendship Chalice by herself. "At least all of the idiots are out of the way," she whickered.


NEXT CHAPTER: Princess Equestria's quest for the Friendship Chalice takes her to the moon! Meanwhile, a Sinister Presence lurks nearby, displacing the Menacing Figure who was supposed to be there instead. You illiterate baboons, can't you read a damned script? Get your rutting acts together or it's back to the apple mines with you!

Next Chapter: Finding of the Way Estimated time remaining: 34 Minutes
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