‘When humans die, they wake up in Equestria.’

That was what the know-it-all purple alicorn had said, anyway. She with all the answers, and none of the solutions. So humans die, wake up in Equestria, and then they’re the problem of some bureau or other until they’re turned into ponies. The idea of her home being another species’ equivalent to Tartarus might have sparked an existential crisis in Limestone if she cared all that much, but she didn’t. They were just yet another pony’s mess she now had to deal with herself.

Standing atop Holder’s Boulder, she scanned the skies with her hooves planted, keeping an eye out for the rest of her family too, who were working the fields while she watched over them to provide cover. This was the second time in as many months that Maud’s love life had sent a Pie sister fleeing back to the comfort of the farm. This time Maud herself, pursued by the ghosts of her actions as received by another world. Hopefully at least when word reached the human world of Mudbriar’s demise and Maud’s return to singledom, everything would settle down again. Just as it was before, without the daily reminder of a biological clock counting down to dying alone.

Maud and her wretched love life – whatever she did to earn that kind of attention, Limestone wasn’t sure, but it seemed unique to Maud. As was everything about that particular sister of hers.

Humans were easy enough to round up and keep contained, the alicorn had said, because they’d arrive lost and be glad for any kind of guidance. The problem was when it wasn’t the whole human who died, but only part of them. Not like some pretentious, overblown love story of the kind Marble enjoyed, where their heartbreak is literal. But like amputations.

“Incoming!” she cried, cringing at that particular phrasing for the hundredth time, as a fleshy pink penis flashed into existence in the air above her. Hanging there, it turned side to side as if inspecting its surroundings, before spotting her and dive bombing towards her. Privately Limestone was relieved at that – she’d have to be the one to deal with it either way, but something just didn’t feel right about calling out to them to lure them to her. Especially not in full view of her whole family.

A second penis appeared nearby as the first closed the distance, followed by a third soon after. Limestone set her jaw, jamming her mouth firmly shut, and was relieved when no screams came from the fields around her. They’d all learned that lesson the hard difficult way on the first day.

Limestone hefted her crowbar ready to swing, eyes flashing as they ran up where she’d scratched ‘knobswatter’ into the side with a flint. Sometimes annoyances came with the perfect methods built-in for relieving the stresses they caused. Everypenis soon learned the mistake of trifling with her farm, her family, and Holder’s Boulder. The legendary Pie strength had never been so useful, or so satisfying to put to use.

Do your worst, humanity. I’m Maud’s big sister, and I’ve got some cockblocking to do.

Author's Notes:

Inspired by what may be the best prank of all time.

The problem with avoiding story genres you don't like is how uninformed you are when it comes to ridiculing them

So I think humans dying (usually by suicide) and waking up in Equestria is a HIE staple, from what I've seen here and there? The only story I've actually read along those lines is Gilded Sister, though, so I could be wrong

Anyway, I got bogged down in writing the next long, intricate chapter of TSTMYLI, so I needed a break to write something short and stupid. As of this story, I've now written dialogue for all my favourite characters