Author's Notes:

A/N: As always, just a little warning for those squeamish in this chapter. Pinkie Twi can get a little... overzealous. Not enough for me to add a 'Gore' tag but... even I did a double take after writing a couple bits.

Cupcakes, anyone?

Hah.

“Get out of our party, then!” Snails shouted into his top-of-the-line headset as he slashed at the digital monster with his bastard sword. “Nobody wants your whiny ass anyway!”

“You should have supported me!” the higher-pitched voice shot back. “Everybody was coming around to attack me, where were you guys?”

“You are playing support, you newfag! Damn it, why did we even invite you to raid with us?”

A sigh floated out from one of his other regular party members. “Should we just log out and log back in? Try the raid from the beginning and switch up the people in--”

“No, we see this through to the end — even if we have some loser gaying it up over here.”

“Listen, I told you guys I was a noob and you told me it wouldn’t matter! Besides, I did what you told me — I spammed my cure spell!”

Sighing, Snails actually stopped to pinch the bridge of his nose, even though he knew it would probably only result in getting killed onscreen. “You… weren’t supposed to spam them all before the battle even started!”

“Yeah, then you just ran around doing nothing,” his buddy chimed in. “Epic fail.”

The younger voice shouted, “Screw you guys! I’m out of here, I don’t need this shit!”

Then, the elven avatar of the other played winked out of existence. It was true that it left their party without a healer, but then again, the newbie hadn’t been much of a healer in the first place.

They made it through the raid, though it took a lot of running around and spamming potions. In the end, there was a chest, and they divvied the loot as was wisest and most appropriate, and eventually teleported back to the most recent waypoint in town.

“Great,” Snails sighed, wiping the sweat from his clammy brow. As he raised a can of cola to his lips, he asked, “Anybody down for some resource-gathering?”

“Nah, I’m out.”

“Alright, Grain, alright. What about you, Frick?”

“Gone, too; the wife will be home in ten minutes — we wrapped this up just in time.”

Together, he and Grain responded with a well-deserved, “Gaaaaaaay!”

“Yeah, whatever,” he sighed as there were various thuds of him adjusting equipment to put it away as he logged out. “Later, losers.”

“Later.” Snails sighed morosely. “Fine, I guess everybody sucks tonight.”

“Not me,” came a giggle. “…and not yet!”

Snails felt his heart melt, as it always did with Princess Sparkles addressed him directly. After the first hour of obligatory male hazing didn’t seem to even put a dent in her confidence, he and his other friends had to confess themselves suitably impressed with their newest addition to their raiding team. Her character was a pretty decent nuke, and she knew how to use her. Plus her voice was the stuff his dreams were made up; vivacious, energetic, and one-hundred percent sexy.

“Yeah? You… want to go into the dark and scary woods with me?”

“Who wouldn’t?” But she laughed and said in a less provocative voice, “Are any of you other wimps coming?”

“Sorry,” said Flim, the only party member who hadn’t spoken up yet. “Sleep, then running with Flam in the morning. You all know I’m trying to make the team.”

“Real life sports? Fuck that noise.” But Snails was kidding, of course. With a sigh, he waited until the others had all logged out before he said, "Come on, Princess… let’s get shit done!”

An hour passed. In that time he and the princess thrashed many zombies, ghouls and giant spiders, racking up experience points and gold to buy better weapons. Part of him couldn’t believe that this was really a girl playing with him, as easily as her fire spells dispatched every enemy she faced, but he was also insanely optimistic. After all, she’d already accepted his friend request — she was going to party with him a lot more often. Maybe, the two of them could have a private party someday.

Of course, he’d been down that road before. Dozens and dozens of female avatars ran by his character in the game every day, and they never panned out. Sure, he checked them out, but half the time they were just dudes who wanted pretty sprites — and the other half, girls who were real bitches. That was the last thing he needed in his life, so far as he was concerned, he was better off without their nagging and judgement.

Finally, the time came for sleep. Not the time that would be wisest — that had blown past before he even went into the woods with her. Now, he was barely able to keep his eyes open, and if he resisted any longer we was going to be a complete trainwreck in class the next morning.

“I’m… really sorry about this,” he told her through a yawn. “But it’s been great. Like, seriously, you aren’t like all those other girls.”

“I’m not, huh?” she asked lightly as she stood in front of the vault, stashing some treasures and withdrawing others.

“Way different. In a good way, though; you don’t get all butthurt over nothing.”

Giggling over the connection, she said, “Yeah, I know what you mean. Like rah rah, girl power and all that. But seriously, don’t they ever get tired of doing it all the time? I mean, like, take a day off and have a cookie. Geez louise.”

“Thank you! I get so fucking tired of that Feminazi shit.” Did he dare? This was not his field of expertise, but he also didn’t mind taking a shot; after all, it’s not as if he had anything to lose. “Hey, uh… you want my Discord ID, maybe?”

“Pshhh, I never fuck with Discord.” She paused for a moment. “Hah! Inside jokes. Anyway, I have too many comics to read; I couldn’t get through them all with my phone blowing up constantly.”

His heart thumped even faster. “You read comics, too?!”

“Um, yes?” She was still laughing.

“Okay, okay — name your top three.” There were too many fake geek girls out there; he had to make sure she was the genuine article.

“The three B’s — Buffy, New Fifty-Two Batman, and New Fifty-Two Batwoman. Oh, the sequel Buffy seasons only. The other stuff was cute, but not worth collecting, am I right?”

“Not a Marvel fan?”

“X-Men is kick ass, but the rest of it’s just not my thing. No hate, just less interest.”

“But you’ve seen the Avengers movies and all.”

“Of course. Any comic movie in theater is worth my money — well, unless it’s Green Lantern.”

Grinning, Snails leaned back in his chair. “Man, I’d even watch Green Lantern with you, or any other crappy comic book adaptation. Would be great to have somebody I can tear it apart with.”

“We’re actually showing the old Captain America from the eighties at my comic shop tonight… well, I guess tomorrow morning actually; it’s a midnight screening—” She laughed her high-pitched laugh again. “—just for that reason.”

“Seriously?! There doing that here, too, at New and Old Page Comics.”

“Wait…” For the first time since they had partied up, she sounded shocked instead of perpetually excited about everything. “Like, are you messing with me right now?”

“Huh?”

“That’s where I work!”

Both of his eyebrows shot up into his messy hair. “You work here? In my town — at my comic book store?! Shut the fuck up!”

“I’m super serious! Deadly serious!” There was some more laughing, and shifting of her microphone before she responded again — it sounded like she was probably moving around in her chair. “This is so crazy ... you have to come tonight! I mean, I was scheduled to run the counter, but they won’t care if I take off for the movie — we won’t be selling much during it other than snacks, trust me!”

“Are you…” Then he stopped himself. In his complete amazement and shock at finding out he was in the same town as this incredible girl, he had been about to ask if she was asking him on a date… but experience had taught him that there was no point in doing that so early on.

Especially recent experience. Running his fingertips over the very light scab that remained on his cheek — the last of its kind, the others having healed by then — he instead finished with, “Are you sure? Like, I’m just some random from the internet.”

“You’re Snails and Great and Powerful.” She giggled again. “Okay, but your name really is Snails, right?”

“Yeah, yeah. And yours is really Princess Sparkle, right?”

Still giggling — a good sign — she told him, “Pinkie.”

“Pinkie? Like, Pinkie-Pinkie?”

“Yeah, I get that alot — it’s actually Pinkamena, but if you call me that I will end you in the most horrible way imaginable.”

Snails wasn’t sure if she was joking or not.

“It’s… a nice name.”

“Thanks! So… I have to jump off here and get ready for my shift, but will I see you there?”

“Milady, wild horses could not keep me from your side.”

“Sir, flattery will get you everywhere!” she snorted. “Alright, later skater!”

“Later.” Then their party was devoid of anyone else, so he logged out as well. Now that he was wired and awake, he wondered what he could possibly to do get ready for his ‘movie-date’.

Captain America was everywhere when he strolled into the comic book shop an hour later. The usual suspects were already gathered around the big plasma screen in the ‘lounge’ area. A few people he wasn’t quite as familiar with, like the girl with pink hair and large eyes, munching her way through a bowl of popcorn. He wasn’t sure who else to expect, but he figured more would trickle in as the movie wore on.

“Not much of a crowd tonight,” Gus, the owner of the shop, grunted as his thumbs flew over the buttons of his DS. He’d barely looked up enough to figure out it was Snails approaching.

“Yeah, well, it is midnight. And that’s fine by me.”

“Gotta say, I’m surprised to see you here. You never come to these events.”

Inwardly groaning at the slight dig, he shrugged and said, “What can I say? I got a date.”

That made Gus do something he absolutely never did: pause his game to look at someone. “You? Have a date? You.”

Though the implication was no fun, Snails knew he had chosen the right time and method to debut this information. It instantly took the heat off him for not supporting the shop often enough.

“Yup, me.”

“Well,” the older man said with an arched eyebrow as his eyes lowered back to his screens. “She must be… something else. Maybe even from another world.”

“She’s something, alright. Actually, she works here.”

“Oh yeah? Gem? ‘Cause she’s off tonight.” No answer. “Pinkie?”

“Yep, it’s Pinkie.”

Another pause — this really was an uncommon day. “You have a date with Pinkie.”

“I do.”

“Input error. You do not. You can’t; because Pinkie is actually way, way too awesome for any of us losers. What the hell did you do, win a bet?”

“Hey, I can get dates, too. I get them all the time! You don’t even know how many chicks I have lined up!” It was a blatant lie, but he couldn’t help attempting to save face. “Either way, I have a date with Pinkie and you don’t. So shut up, okay?”

Shrugging, Gus went back to his game. “Fine. Whatever. But you might want to stop wasting time distracting me from shiny scrubbing and get your ass over there.”

“What do you mean?”

“She’s waiting for you,” he grunted, just barely nodding over to two seater sofa without taking his eyes off the game.

Nodding at the pink-haired girl he’d noticed earlier, who was presently talking to another guy about something.

Nodding, at Pinkie.

About two minutes later, Gus finally growled, “Dude. What?”

“Huh?”

“You’re still here, casting ominous shadows into my periph. What’s your malfunction?”

“Oh. Well. I’m working up to it. I just…”

“You didn’t know someone that hot dated losers like you? Maybe you’re a case study.”

There was no way Snails could say anything to that without coming off sounding both a loser and an asshole. He needed time; he needed an opportunity to work out the shock to his system. Here he was, minutes away from talking to the very girl he had spend hours with adventuring. What was he supposed to do? He’d barely even spoken to many girls in person before — well, other than the brief interactions with customers at Subway, given someone directions once. And now he was supposed to sit next to a girl for the length of an entire movie. A bad one, at that. Not Green Lantern bad, but damn… it was right up there.

“Look,” his almost-friend sighed as he finally set the game down for a moment. “You’re not fooling anyone with your whole ‘suave mother fucker’ act. It’s okay that you have no idea what you’re doing with girls. Most of us here don’t. However, it stands to reason that your chances of succeeding with her will be zero percent if you don’t actually go over there and initiate the mating ritual.”

“Maybe I changed my mind,” Snails muttered.

“So then you’re still in here because…” No response. His behavior seemed to irritate Gus a lot more than usual — which is to say, at all. “Enough! Go do it, go fail epically so we can all laugh at you!”

“Hey, I’m not gonna fail. You have no way of knowing I will, so take that back!”

“Negative. You will fail and the rest of us will level up from your demise.”

Fired up at last, he flipped Gus the bird and marched over, plopping right down next to Pinkie in the seat the other guy had vacated. He folded his arms and filled his face with enough determination to impress even the most serious of video game protagonists.

“Oh!” she chirped in surprise. “Hi there!”

“Hello!” Once realizing he had nearly snapped that at her, he cleared his throat and said in a calmer tone, “I mean… hi.”

“I’m so sorry, but this seat is saved. Waiting for somebody.”

Definitely her, then. He had doubted Gus’ knowledge, even though he was almost always right, but there could be no mistaking her chipper voice. A small part of him that was hanging on to hope in vain completely died then and there. Especially when he saw that her name tag said, “Pinkie Pie”, complete with a tiny sticker of the her face, all cartoonized, in the corner.

“Yeah, um… that would be me. I’m Snails.”

“What? Oh!” That seemed to be her catchphrase. “Oh, I’m sorry, you sounded kind of… super, duper intense. I totally didn’t recognize your voice!”

“Sorry about that,” he chuckled nervously, scratching the back of his head. “I guess, to be honest, I’ve never…”

“Never what?”

Luckily, his brain had caught up with his mouth before he blurted, “Never gone out with a real, 3-D girl before.” No way would that have ended in anything other than shame and disaster. “Never, uh, been on a blind date! Not with somebody from a raiding party, anyway!”

“First time for everything!” Her laugh was musical and good-natured, just like when they always partied up. “Well, you want some popcorn? It’ll be a good way to move to a page break until the movie starts!”

As he shrugged and reached for some popcorn, Snails breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe this would go okay after all.

And it did — partly because the movie started about one minute after he popped the first piece of popcorn into his mouth. Then they both could both sort of turn off their brains and watch the bad movie. Of course, they did keep up a running commentary about how boring it truly was, and how Red Skull looked like he was made of plastic, but no deeper thoughts were required.

By the time the credits rolled, he was beginning to feel slightly more comfortable around Pinkie. As the rest of the crowd began to filter out, as she shop would be closing up soon, he offered to help her close up.

“Sorry, but that’s against store policy,” she told him with her tell-tale giggle. “But hey, if you hang out at the coffee house around the corner, I can meet you there in, like… twenty minutes?”

“Awesome! I’ll, uh, meet you there!”

Against all odds, she showed up in a little under half an hour, as promised. Nametag gone, she seemed a lot more at ease than she had in the store. She went straight up to the counter, placed her order, then sat down at his table.

“Sorry, I tried to go super fast,” she sighed as she plopped her candy-yellow purse — decorated with little balloons — in the corner. “Most of the stuff was already taken care of by Gus before he left, but there was this stack of new figurines… anyway.”

“Yeah,” he chuckled nervously as he slid his hot chocolate closer. Secretly, he was glad he got there first so she wouldn’t see him ordering something besides coffee.

“Alright, so.” She leaned forward and grinned widely. “This is your first time spending time with a real girl, isn’t it?”

All it took was him freezing like a deer in headlights to confirm it for her. As she was sitting back, nodding in a sort of resigned bemusement, he finally unfroze and managed to squeak out, “Am I that obvious?”

“A little, yeah.” She laughed again, but it wasn’t a teasing one — just regular, mirth-filled giggle. “Hovering over there by your buddy Gus and trying to figure out if you should really dive in the deep end or not.”

“Well, I mean…” Snails muttered, cradling the cup of hot cocoa with both hands. “You sounded nice on voice chat, but when I finally saw you in person… I mean, I don’t know.”

“Yeah? Well, at least I sound nice.” When he only started sweating more, she laughed and jostled his arm with her hand. “Hey, it’s okay! I don’t mind!”

Again, a nervous laugh. “You sure? I mean, I guess I’m not surprised that you actually are as nice as you sound in person.”

“Thanks,” she giggled. And then, her name was called, so she dashed up to the counter to get her cup and her large slice of cake. He loved a woman with a sweet tooth.

The conversation wore on, and though he thought he stepped in it a few more times, mostly Snails managed to keep from completely offending her. Mostly, that could be attributed to her being almost impossible to offend; even when he used the phrase “baby got back”, she just laughed again. What a breath of fresh air, especially compared to his co-worker. If ever there was a raging bitch, it was her.

By the time they were walking back to his car, which thankfully was running as well as could be expected again, he found himself wishing the night would continue. Obviously they could always make another date, but something told him the magic of this one would be easier to recapture the longer they were together on the first night. That, and he wondered if he might make it to at least first base.

And he got his wish; she was going to take the late-night bus across town. He was more than happy to drive her home, even if it was about ten minutes out of his way. That was just what you did for a lady.

“...and I told him it was totally overrated, too,” he was finishing saying as he pulled up to the curb and put the car into park. “Way better than the prequel, obviously, but still, a crappy piece of media.”

“They’re just different versions of the same movie,” Pinkie agreed patiently, but her lips were quirked up into her perpetual grin. “Nobody could really improve on the original, no matter how much money they put into it.”

His lip curled slightly. “Eh… I was never really into the older movies. Not saying it wasn’t good, but all that stuff was just too melodramatic.”

“You got me there. They should have kept the director on a tighter lease. Still a fun pair of movies, though.”

“Agree to disagree.” Then he sighed and glanced up and down the street. “Well, this is your stop, right?”

Nodding, she shrugged and pointed her thumb vaguely out the window. “I’d invite you up, but it’s an ungodly mess; I’ve never been much of a cleaner.”

“Living here in the ghetto, I wouldn’t be, either.” Another groan. “I mean… not to say you live in the ghetto, or anything…”

She laughed again. “Nah, don’t worry about it; this is totally the ghetto, for realsies! Well, as ghetto as this town gets, anyway.” Grinning wider now, she reached for the door handle, then hesitated to look at him steadily. “Had a great time — we gotta do this again.”

The pause. This was it; she was giving him the green light. He was sure of it. Letting him drive her home was questionable — it could have been a friend-only thing, but this was clear.

“I… had a great time, too.”

Her eyes flashed down to the hand that suddenly slid onto her thigh, then back up to his face. “Hey, uh… what’s this?” Her grin remained fixed in place, but her eyes were suddenly wary.

“My offer,” he said as smoothly as he could, moving his hand up and down the denim-clad leg in slow motions. “We don’t have to let the night end just yet.”

“Uhhh, yeah… we kinda do,” she laughed again — weaker this time. Clearly, she was less comfortable than she had been before. “I have work in the morning; I just took this shift tonight because Gem called in sick.”

“Right, right. But we could have a little fun before you go to sleep. Just for a little while.”

For a second, as his hand trailed up so that his fingers brushed against where her legs met, he thought he might really be getting somewhere. But then she visibly squirmed and pushed his hand away.

“Yeah… sorry, but… I’m not good with that right now.”

“Don’t fight it, okay? You’ve been into me since we met -- in person, at least. Maybe you don’t think I can treat you like you deserve, but I swear to you I can. You’ll see.”

“What will I see— oh!”

Her ‘oh!’ was a visceral response from her when his hand found its way back between her thighs. Her entire body went rigid, and she only managed to sit stock still before he was leaning in to take her lips with his own, kneading them together. They shared a beautiful minute between one another, a moment that Snails would look back on for years as magical.

Of course, that was before she pushed him away with one hand, her bright purple eyes wide. “No, you… what do you want? I thought…”

“Don’t think — just go with your instincts.” Again, he moved in to kiss her, but she turned her head aside this time. “Come on, baby, what’s wrong?”

“Just… don’t take this the wrong way or anything, but I’m kind of… a virgin.” Before he could respond, she was already saying, “And I know, I know it shouldn’t matter, but it does to me!”

“When you say ‘virgin’... do you mean, like, you haven’t had sex? At all?!”

“Yeah. I mean, what did you think I meant? You think I’d joke about that?”

‘“But you’re… I mean, girls like you aren’t virgins. That just… doesn’t happen.” His heart went out to her, even as her lip started to curl, and he quickly said, “Hey, if you want to take care of that right now…”

That finally caused her to laugh again, but harshly. “Wait, you mean right here in your car? Seriously? I don’t think so, that’s — I mean, really! I’d at least ask you up, even if my place is a mess!”

“Well, I think this could be fun, yeah. Or we could get in the back seat. You look like more of a back seat girl, am I right?”

“I’m not an anything girl!” Running a hand over her face as she stared out the window, she muttered, “Damn, but that is some bucking serious ego-tripping you got going on there! I didn’t believe it but… wow!”

“Fine, whatever.” He was surly now, the sudden shift of her mood not helping in the least. She seemed like a totally different person now. “Didn’t mean to keep you from your sleep. Goodnight.”

“What?” Her pink eyebrows lifted into her bangs. “Are you serious with this? You’d really kick me out of your car for not having sex with you in the backseat?”

“Hey, you don’t want me up in your apartment, and you seem to think I’m so disgusting you won’t kiss me down here. I don’t know, I thought we were doing great, but apparently ‘great’ isn’t good enough for some people. So typical.”

“Fine,” she grumbled as she struggled with the seatbelt. “For fucks sake… I finally have a good time with a guy who isn’t a completely shithead, and what does he turn out to be at the end of the night — oh, right! A complete shithead. Just what I fucking wanted. Serves me right for being optimistic.”

Maybe she had a point. As far as he was concerned, he hadn’t done anything wrong, but he did hate to end the night on such an awful note. “Alright, alright. Don’t—”

“Oh!”

That turned out to be the last ‘Oh!’ of the evening from Pinkie. Just after opening the door, she had attempted to exit, but wound up standing too quickly -- and misjudged the distance and angle of the car’s opening. The thump of her head against the frame was audible and painful-sounding, and watching her crumble back into her seat was even worse. He sprang toward her, hovering over her and watching her carefully. Soon afterwards, her uneven breaths fell into a pattern of slow, shallow breathing. So she was fine — just unconscious.

But the sigh of relief was accompanied by a wrinkle of confusion across his brow. Now, Snails had something he had never counted on having: access to a woman’s body. Sure, she wasn’t his ideal type, but she wasn’t bad to look at, and he’d never gone further than he had with that blonde bitch from a couple weeks back. What was there to lose?

His hand drifted toward her, then pulled back. This probably wasn’t okay. Sure, she would never remember it, but didn’t even thinking about doing anything to an unconscious woman make him a major creep? Just because nobody would know didn’t make it right.

But then he remembered something he’d read on a forum post about women generally wanting sex more than men did; maybe if he could just get her started, her instincts would kick in and start taking over. She had been enjoying his company before he started pushing, so she was clearly interested. Maybe she just needed another little push. And he wouldn’t go very far with her unable to enjoy it with him anyway.

“Hey, wake up,” he began to say softly as he caressed her stomach, his hand moving in gentle circles. “Your prince is ready to rescue his damsel.” No response. His breath grew ragged and his heart began to speed up as he moved up to her chest, still just gently caressing. “Hey… this would be a lot more exciting if you’d join me.”

Nothing. Weren’t most people supposed to wake up when they were touched? He remembered reading that somewhere. His other hand came up to shake her shoulder a few times, and she make a quiet little groaning noise — which was a positive sign, at least — but still did not awaken.

“Pinkie, you’re missing all the fun,” he told her in a shaky tone, finally cupping her bosom and kneading it gently, moving the fingers inward. He’d really been missing out — they felt fantastic! He hadn’t come into contact with one since a cousin of his fell on top of him five years ago, and that had been too brief to get a true impression of what they were like. Maybe he could slide her shirt up, see what one looked like up close and personal…

“Pinkie’s not here right now,” came a sudden voice from somewhere in the car.

Snails jumped, his hand leaping from the girl’s form as if it were electrified. “Wha—”

“Please leave a message after the beep. Beeeeeep…”

Blinking, he swallowed and watched as Pinkie slowly lifted her head, her eyes swiveling around in her head, taking in her surroundings. She seemed to notice where she was after a few moments, and then turned to settle her gaze on him. The mirth and constant amusement that filled her eyes before was now conspicuously gone — in its place was a cool confidence, and a kind of stillness that was vastly different than she had before.

This… was this still the same girl he watched a movie with not one hour ago?

“No message? Oh well. I would have made sure she got it, too.”

“I… what?” he stammered, his heart pounding in his chest. “P-Pinkie?”

Her head tilted as she regarded him. “Not quite. But close enough.” Then she shifted, turning more towards him and bracing herself between her seat and the dashboard. “I’m… Pinkamena.”

Pinkamena. That name should mean something to him, Snails knew. But for the life of him, he couldn’t remember why. He could only stare in shock as the girl crept towards him over the center console, her eyes cool as polished amethyst, and forced him back against the inside of the car door.

“Do you want me, Snails?”

The question was so sudden, so blunt, so direct, that the only thing he could do was nod dumbly in response.

“Are you sure?” she asked again, something trembling in her voice. “You want to… please me?”

“I…” he swallowed against a dry throat. “Yeah. I do.”

“Do you Pinkie Promise?”

A pinkie promise? Sure, he could do that. His first thought was to hold up his little finger — a display he vaguely recalled from childhood — but instead, he opened his mouth and the words came spilling out, unbidden. “C-cross my heart, hope to fly… stick a cupcake in my eye.”

What… just what kind of promise what that?

But it seemed to work, as after he said the words she nodded, and, humming softly, reached over to pluck Snails’ right hand from its death-grip on the seat cushion.

“Shh… relax,” Pinkamena whispered as she examined the hand, turning it over this way and that. “You’re too tense. Do you like to sing?”

“I… what?” Snails’ voice was raspy, his tongue cottony and dry.

“Sing,” the girl repeated patiently. She turned his hand over and slowly traced a fingernail along the inside of his palm. “Want me to sing to you? Singing makes everything better. It makes everyone smile.”

“Y-yeah.” It was the only thing he could say.

The corners of her lips curling up into a small, vulpine grin, Pinkamena’s tongue darted out and touched the tip of Snails’ middle finger. Then she softly sang,

“Sing… sing a song, sing out loud. Sing out strong. Sing of good things, not bad. Sing of happy, not sad~”

Her eyes flashed up to his and, before he could even voice a word of protest, parted her lips and slipped his finger into her mouth.

“Haa…” he involuntarily groaned, his entire body seizing up. What… in God’s name? This was far more than he had ever dared to dream about! He could… he could feel her tongue! It was touching his — touching his… finger! He squirmed and whimpered against his will, and barely managed to swallow against a dry throat as the girl continued to hum her song while giving his finger the most erotic experience of his entire life.

And then…

Ca-runch.

….What?

It felt like a sharp jerk — a tug just past the second knuckle. There wasn’t any pain that he could feel, but his eyes didn’t lie.

Pinkie… Pinkamena... had bitten his finger off.

“Wh—what…?” he breathed, but heart lurching up into his chest as he watched her jaw work at the piece of meat and bone. His piece of meat and bone. Or… what used to be his. He watched, totally numb, as she chewed, little crunching noises emanating from her mouth as her teeth worked at his phalanges and muscle.

And then the pain started.

“Ha… haa… Haaaaaaa!!!” he screamed, jerking his hand back and cradling it close to his chest. His legs lifted trying to force Pinkamena away, but she easily slid between then and pressed her nose against his.

Oh, God in Heaven… he could smell his blood on her breath!

“What’s wrong, Snails?” the girl asked and chewed a final time and spat out the remains of his finger to the side. “Is… is it something I said?” Her eyes were a glittering purple, blinking in concern as she studied him.

“G-get a-fucking-way from me!” he screeched, trying to bat at her with his uninjured hand.

“Why?” came her voice, but not from her lips. They didn’t come from her mouth because she had suddenly latched onto his other hand, kissing his palm softly.

Oh… oh no...

“Heeeeeee!” he keened, writhing against the girl ineffectually. “P-please, stop! Lemme go! Lemme go!”

“You’re not going anywhere.” the voice said again, from all around him. “You promised to please me. You Pinkie Promised!”

“The fuck I did, I—” But he fell silent as she pulled away from his hand again, blood shining on her lips and chunks of flesh in her teeth as she grinned widely up at him. It painted a horrifying visage, and it only got worse as she started singing again.

“Sing… sing a song. Make it simple to last your whole life long.”

“S-stop singing!” he bleated, clutching his bleeding and broken hand to his body as he tried to twist away from her. “Just fucking stop!”

But she didn’t stop. Her voice grew even louder as her bloody face loomed in above his, her bright, cheery voice crawling into his ears like a parasitic worm.

“Don’t worry that it’s not good enough for anyone else to hear… just sing…”

“No! Stop it! It hurts… It hurts!”

“Sing a song…”

“I said stop it!” He tried one last time, putting all his pain and fear into his voice.

“Why should I?” came the voice from everywhere. “You caused this. You corner women, push yourself on them when they’re in your car. It’s the same thing. This is where the magic happens, isn’t it?”

“W-what?” he groaned, trembling as his hand throbbed in pain. “It… it’s not like that… they want it, they just can’t let themselves w…”

“Just like you want this. You want to please me… you Pinkie Promised me.”

“No! That’s not the same! what are—”

“It’s the same thing to me.”

A few quick, deep breaths passed as he tried to gather his wits and push past the pain in his hand. Futility personified. “Alright! Alright, God, I’m sorry, I didn’t… you know I wasn’t going to do that, right?” Silence. “Right?!”

“Who are you trying to convince?” Pinkamena asked, her eyes flinty. With deliberate slowness, she reached down and pulled his undamaged hand back to her lips. “You Pinkie Promised, you know. Nobody ever breaks a Pinkie Promise…”

She parted her lips and drew another finger inside, just past the second knuckle.

“L-let me go! Seriously! I swear I’m not a rapist! I wasn’t going that far! I never would!”

“Going past the word ‘no’ is always too far, Snails. Always,” the voice echoed all around him.

“What…” he couldn’t even move -- all his attention was focused on the finger still in Pinkamena’s mouth. He prayed she would believe him. “What are you gonna do?”

Again the voice came from everywhere — and nowhere. “Maybe nothing. Or maybe you’ll be forced to be stuck here in your car and have your pleas ignored.“

“That’s—no! I don’t want that!”

“Nonsense. You do want it. All you need is a little… push.”

Crunch.

“Ahhhhh!” He screamed, jerking his other hand — sans one finger — back against his chest. His hands were slick with blood and searing with pain, and yet, somehow, all he could concentrate on was the burning amethyst eyes of Pinkamena before him. “P-please,” he began to sob. “Let me go, I… swear I wasn’t… and I’ll never do anything again! Not anything like that, I swear to God!”

“God’s not the one doing this.” Her voice was coming from all around, and her eyes were widening impossibly large, as though they were starting to overtake her entire face. He could see himself in her irises, and it was like looking into a horrifyingly bloody mirror.

“Then I swear to whoever — to Satan, the the f-fucking Flying Spaghetti Monster, I don’t care — I just promise!”

Then the pain in his hands ceased. They were still covered in blood, and his fingers were still missing, but the pain was at least gone.

“Swear to the targets you’ve painted on future unsuspecting women. Swear to their shivering, their fear, and their disgust. Swear to the helplessness you inspire within their stomachs every time they get a little ‘push’ past what they want. Swear that you won’t put anyone else in the same position you forced on others… or I forced on you. Swear that you won’t make them feel like you do… right now.”

“Okay, that!” No response. After a few seconds, the pain in his hands returned with a vengeance, and a chill shot down his spine when he felt Pinkie’s breath tickle his ear. Her teeth pinched his lobe, and he shrieked, “I swear! I swear that I won’t ever push anyone too far, ever!” But then, to his horror, her teeth clamped down and tugged — hard. He squealed in pain as his ear tore free from his head, and blood trickled freely down his neck. “Haaaaaa! W-wait! I-I did it! I did what you f-fucking said — you can’t do this!”

“This is what it’s like to have your pleas ignored, Snails,” the voice echoed as he writhed in pain beneath her. “Shhh… don’t worry. We can have a little fun before you go to sleep. Let me sing to you.”

“N...no…” he moaned weakly, wishing more than anything that this wasn’t happening. But as her croons wormed into his remaining ear, he knew — deep down inside — that this was real. That this was actually happening. And there wasn’t anything he could do about it.

“Sing… sing a song. Let the world sing along. Sing of love there could be… sing for you and for me…”

The last thing he saw was Pinkamena looming above him, her mouth opening impossibly wide, her jaw unhinging as if she was going to swallow his entire head. He could smell blood all around him, feel the rank heat from her breath and her long, wet tongue reach out to writhe against his cheek, lapping up the blood from his face like the frosting off a cupcake.

And, perhaps the most horrible thing of all, was that he could still hear her high-pitched laugh, echoing all around him, as her singing continued.

“Sing… sing a song~”

When Snails eventually woke up, it was morning. He was lying across the seats of his car, shivering from the cold; it was just barely that late in the year.

Sitting up made his head pound, but never was he so glad to have just a headache. He was alive. It had been some kind of… fucking stupid dream. Just to confirm, he saw that both his fingers were still whole and attached, and his ear. There was no blood, and all was well.

He did wonder where Pinkie went, but decided she might have accidentally knocked him out at some point and escaped. No real harm done. Still, he swore to give up dating for a little while. Chicks were nothing but trouble.

But the dream was so vivid that he couldn’t shake it all day at work, and still not when he got home. A nightmare. He’d never had more than a handful in his life, and none of them had been even close to that horrific. Maybe he needed to change his diet; quit drinking so much soda, stick to juice. Maybe actually start hitting the gym, like he promised his mother.

When he logged into the game after dinner he checked who was online -- and saw that Princess Sparkles was gone. She wasn’t in the group chat or the guild list, wasn’t in his friends list. It was like her username had never existed. That was definitely weird, but weirder things had happened; she probably just didn’t want to be pawed at by him anymore, and was too uncomfortable to keep gaming with him. After his shitty nightmare, he found it pretty hard to blame her, even though he wished she’d have stuck around. They could have started over, right?

However, when he checked his in-game mail, he had a single new message. The ‘From’ field was blank — which wasn’t supposed to be possible. Deleting it wouldn’t work, and when he switched to his backup account, he had the same message in his inbox, as well. It only contained two things.

The words “Don’t Forget: You Pinkie Promised”, and an audio clip.

He clicked on the file, and listened for a few moments before screaming.

"Sing... sing a song~"

A/N # 2: My first idea was to have Pinkie Twi sing "Singing In The Rain", a la "A Clockwork Orange". But my editor suggested The Carpenters. Much more creepy.