Life of Lyra
Chapter 12
Previous Chapter Next Chapter"You're going on last?" Princess Celestia asked.
Lyra Heartstrings nodded, almost bouncing in place. "And you have the warnings up?" She wanted to peek around the curtains, but had more focus than that. Behind her was Pinkie, Trixie, and Cadance. It was the Friday before Hearth's Warming, and the little group intended to put on a show.
Celestia let out a sigh. "Am I going to regret letting you do this, Lyra?"
"Probably. But if I do this right, you'll be laughing too much to realize you're regretting it," Lyra said.
Cadance and Trixie both stood proud in fake old-timey Royal Guard uniforms. Big crests on their helmets and long skirts of metal were the order of the day. Cadance hefted Pinkie Pie out from the side of the set, holding her between them.
"Only one survivor, Ma'am!" Cadance said.
Wearing a toga for reasons that didn't make sense to anypony but her, Lyra began. "Ah!" she said. "Thwow her to the floor!" Her accent was as thick as she could make it, smooshing consonants together to make a fancy and almost incomprehensible pronunciation.
"What, Ma'am?" Cadance was into her role more than she would let on. She liked the look of armor on ponies, and enjoyed wearing it herself. That Shining had helped her get dressed had been icing on the cake.
Putting her all into it, Lyra gestured to the floor with a hoof. "Throw her to the floor."
"Ahh!" Pinkie Pie flopped down to her belly when she hit the floor, absorbing the impact with all four legs, but making it look like a rough landing.
Lyra cleared her throat. "Now, what's your name, earth pony?"
"Pinkie, Ma'am!"
"Pwinkie?"
"No, no. Pinkie."
Cadance was quick and careful with her casual bop on Pinkie's head. She lifted her head back up afterward and took the time to scan the crowd. As they'd arranged, they had just adults left in the crowd, and Princess Celestia still sat at the back.
Bringing a hoof up to her mouth, Lyra made a stereotypical and silly laugh. "Hoo hoo hoo. The little wascal has spiwit!"
With an excellent double-take, Cadance looked at Lyra. "She has what, Ma'am?"
Trixie stood at attention. She was a rock for most of this, and would only shine for the big punchline. It would have been horribly vain of her to find fault with playing second fiddle to an alicorn—which she was, so she did. A showmare, however, did exactly as was planned (so long as nothing went wrong), so she stood her ground stoically.
"Spiwit!" Lyra said.
"Yes. She did, Ma'am." Cadance barely held her even expression at Lyra's oral antics.
Lyra scrunched her snout up in annoyance. "No, no. Spiwit. Bwavado! A touch of dewwing-do."
Cadance brightened her expression and nodded. "I got her latest book!"
Giving the most droll and deadpan look she could at Cadance, Lyra managed to get the first laughs from the audience. The feedback was fuel for the fire they were building. Turning her full attention to Pinkie, Lyra pushed on. "So, you dare to waid us?"
The play wound on. And, by the time Pinkie Pie began protesting that she was a unicorn, most of the ponies in the audience were laughing at the absurdity of it. Lyra was a little concerned, of course, since the naughty bits were coming up. "So, your father was a woonicorn. Who was he?"
"He was a E.U.P. Guard in the Manehatten garrison." Pinkie Pie struggled not to giggle at the upcoming joke. It was rude, and silly, and was going to shock the ponies out of their comfortable space—something Pinkie greatly agreed with.
"Weally? What was his name?" Seeing Pinkie Pie so worked up, hearing the laughter from the crowd, Lyra was in her element. She took in Cadance's bored look, and Trixie's indifferent one (which was exactly what was needed), and almost flubbed her line.
"Nortius Maximus," Pinkie Pie said.
Cadance barked a laugh that was meant to be joined in—and it was by the audience, but not her fellow actors.
Holding to her straight man part, Lyra turned to Cadance. "Do we have anypony of that name in the gawwison?"
The audience's laughter froze in their throats—everypony was on the edges of their seats.
"W-Well, no, Ma'am." Cadance poured confused tone into her voice.
Lyra blinked her eyes innocently. "Well, you sound vewy sure. Have you checked?"
"No, Ma'am. I think—I think it's a joke, Ma'am. Like, Sillius Soddus,"—Cadance held herself in character as the rough guard—"or Biggus Dickus, Ma'am."
In the silence of the hall, one voice made a snorting-giggle—Trixie Lulamoon.
"What's so… funny about Biggus Dickus?" Lyra hoped against hope that she hadn't gone too far.
The second use of the made-up name earned a few giggles from the audience as the adults realized this was a naughty joke. A few heads turned to look toward Princess Celestia, though they couldn't see her easily in the darkened rear of the theater.
"Well, it's a joke name, Ma'am." Cadance wanted to giggle at the gag. Even though she'd heard it dozens of times in practice, there was something about performing to a crowd that changed things.
Scrunching her snout up again at the apparent silliness of her guards, Lyra glared at Cadance. "I have a very gweat fwiend in Canterwot called Biggus Dickus." She put a little emphasis on the name now, and got a few laughs from the audience amid many sniggering giggles.
Trixie let loose another round of chuckles when the crowd died down.
"Silence!" Lyra glared around the stage, fixing eyes on Trixie. "What is all this insolence? You will find yourself washing pots and pans vewy quickly with wotten behavior like that!"
Pinkie lifted her head up, heedless of the threat to the guard. "Can I go now, Ma'am?" She covered her head when Cadance bopped her again. "Ahh!"
"Wait 'till Biggus Dickus hears of this." Lyra lifted her chin haughtily, but snapped around to glare at Cadance broke into laughter. "Wight! Take her away!"
Cadance's eyes widened in fear. "M-Ma'am! I was only—"
"No. I want you fighting gwime and mildew within a week!" Lyra deliberately ignored Pinkie and Cadance exiting from the stage. "I will not have my fwiends widiculed by the common Guards. Anypony else feel like a little… giggle…" Sliding along the floor, Lyra drew up beside Trixie. "… when I mention my fwiend, Biggus…"
Crossing her eyes in mock fear, Trixie sucked her lips in and bit down on them, and completely failed to hide her giggles. The mirth, she noticed, was spreading through the crowd—everypony was giggling along to the gag now.
"… Dickus?" Lyra put extra emphasis on the last name, and particularly on the first part. When Trixie shook her head, Lyra turned away. "He has a wife, you know."
Full panic was write large on Trixie's face, and the crowd roared as Lyra turned back to her last remaining guard.
Lyra leaned in, having to keep her voice raised while pretending to whisper in Trixie's ear. Thankfully, the crowd got the idea and clamped down on their laughter to listen. "You know what she's called?"
Squeezing her eyes closed, Trixie shook her head. She wanted to laugh at the joke she knew was coming, and the best bit was she had to.
"She's called Incontinentia." Lyra spared a look for the crowd. Everypony, even Princess Celestia, was on the edge of their seats.
With a defeated expression on her face, Trixie Lulamoon cast a beseeching look around the crowd, but they were too busy holding in their own laughter to spare her any assistance. She trembled, flexing her forelegs in a show of knock-kneed defeat.
"Incontinentia Buttock," Lyra said, her voice quick to get the words from her mouth into everypony's ears.
The whole room exploded into laughter, not the least of which being Trixie.
"I've had enough of this wowdy webel sniggewing behavior!" Lyra's shout was barely heard by the crowd, and the few that heard her only laughed harder. "Silence! Call yourselves Guards?!" She stomped around the stage, mock kicking Trixie along to the crowd's cheering.
Just as things started to quieten down, Lyra stopped and looked directly into the middle of the crowd. "Wait 'till Biggus Dickus hears of this!"
Rolling off the side of the stage, Trixie was still laughing. The whole scene had been explained to her in advance, of course, except for the full name of Incontinentia Buttocks. It was crude, silly, and for some reason she couldn't stop giggling at it.
Lyra was panting like she'd run all day. Her eyes were wide, and she wanted to sing and dance and do everything. "So?" she asked when a white leviathan came up behind Cadance and Pinkie (neither of whom saw Celestia coming).
"You were right on both counts. The only reason I'm not officially reprimanding you is because you had the hall limited to adults. The jokes—I have not seen their like before," Princess Celestia said while still trying to hold back giggles.
Cadance cleared her throat. "She told me the jokes beforehand, and I have to agree Lyra acted responsibly in her warning." With as much pomp as she could, Cadance attempted to mimic the normal way Celestia would approach a problem.
Smiling at Cadance, Princess Celestia nodded. "Well put, and I'm glad to hear you approached somepony responsible with this, Lyra Heartstrings. My only remaining question is, when are you performing again?"
Lyra's mind raced at the possibility of performing more Monty Python comedy. It didn't quite ring as true to her as music did, but it was a very close second. "I'll make a point of writing another as soon as possible. Will this be a royal command performance?"
"I wouldn't call it a command, but I will definitely attend." Celestia winked at Lyra, turned, and left the actors to their task of cleaning up after themselves.
"There's a teeny-tiny problem. I'm leaving Canterlot next week." Pinkie Pie let out a sigh even as her friends gasped in surprise. "My cutie mark is telling me I'm needed elsewhere. There's ponies that need a special friend, Ly—"
Interrupting her friend with a hug, Lyra squeezed as much as she could—Pinkie was an earth pony after all. "It's okay, Pinkie. I understand now. Following your cutie mark is the most important thing ever."
"Not always," Pinkie Pie said, squeezing back. "Sometimes friends are just as important. I don't know why, but I think we'll see each other again."
"That a promise?" Lyra asked.
"A Pinkie Promise!" Pinkie said.
There was a feel of accomplishment as the four removed their outfits and packed everything away.
"I want a bigger role next time." Trixie used her magic to pack away the outfit she'd worn. "How does The Great and Powerful Trixie sound?"
Lyra cupped her chin with a hoof and narrowed her eyes. "Like you're doing a magic show. We could do that again if you want?"
"Speaking of which. How did your magic show go, Cadance?" Trixie asked.
With both the other mares turned to look at her, Cadance couldn't stop her spirits from soaring. "We have another date next week." Memories of her first, awkward date with Shining Armor danced in her head. "I still can't get over how nerdy he is."
"Nerdy works for you?" Lyra asked.
"Mmhmm!" Cadance nodded and ruffled her wings. "He gets so focused, so homed in on details, and no matter what is happening he can't leave a problem alone."
Leaning against Trixie, Lyra raised a hoof to not-covertly say, "I never had a chance. I don't suppose you like a music-obsessed alien who plays bass guitar?"
"I-I don't—" Trixie Lulamoon closed her mouth before she spoke further. The memory of their accidental kiss came to the fore, and though she had waved it off in the moment, she could see that it had affected Lyra. "Trixie cannot be tie herself down with a single pony. She loves the road, the crowd…"
Swooning in jest, Lyra flopped onto a nearby seat. "Oh! What hath my heart led me to this day? Cannot my love ring true just once?"
Recognizing Lyra's acting as just that, Trixie breathed a sigh of relief. "Anyway. What about that other mare I've seen you with? Miss pink and blue and cream-yellow all over."
"Sweetie Drops?" The realization of who Trixie meant confused Lyra. "We're just friends. She's planning on joining the E.U.P. Guard."
"Oh?" Cadance hadn't managed to get her armor off yet, but it was a good enough fit that she wasn't too worried about being out of it. "I didn't know you had a special somepony tucked away, Lyra. Sweetie Drops, was it?"
"Now you've doooone it!" Pinkie Pie said. "Princess of Loooove alert!"
Rather than show her feelings, particularly surrounding the tight knot in her stomach that had just formed, Lyra opted for comedy. "Help me, princess, I need to find somepony to love!"
Giggling like a schoolfilly, Cadance set her horn ablaze with blue magic and locked eyes with Lyra. "Focus on your feelings, reach for them, and embrace them." Cadance waited a moment before adding, "Now, close your eyes."
Her heart beating fast, Lyra complied and closed her eyes. When nothing happened for a moment, she opened her mouth to say something and felt something press to her nose. Snapping her eyes open again, she looked at the bottom of Cadance's hoof.
"Boop!" Cadance pulled her hoof back. "And no boops back!"
"That doesn't work! You can't say 'no boops back'!" Lyra jumped to her hooves and rushed after a suddenly retreating Cadance. "Come back here so I can boop you!"
Trixie sighed and looked up. "Are all of the Great and Powerful Trixie's friends craz—" She froze mid-sentence as a pink hoof met her snout.
"Boop!" Pinkie Pie said.