Three pegasi stallions worked in the studio as Howie's production team. There was a blue one with a black mane named Breakbumper, a green one with a cream-colored mane named Soundbite and black one with a shaved mane named News Ticker.

Breakbumper's cutie mark was a musical note with sound waves emanating from it. Soundbite had a silver microphone as his cutie mark. News Ticker's cutie mark depicted a radio tower with circular sound waves emitting from the top of the tower.

The three stallions were sealed away in a soundproof booth making last minute preparations. News Ticker gestured to Howie that they were starting the broadcast as the show's introduction began.

"Ursa Satellite Radio proudly presents an acclaimed author, film star and television personality," Soundbite said, in a booming voice, "The king of all media. Celestia's gift to radio, the very horny, Mr. Howie Tern!" An instrumental theme song played, which utilized lots of drums and guitars. When it concluded, Howie greeted his listeners.

"I'm broadcasting to you live from my gilded cage high above downtown Canterlot; birthplace of magical unicorn farts," Howie said, smirking, "No seriously, I love living in Canterlot. I feel like I belong here, even though I'm a griffin. Why? Because I fit right in with all the other horny little bastards." Robin put on her headset and turned on her mic.

"Beside me is my partner in crime, Robin Quillers," Howie said, briskly, "Say hi, Robin."

"Hi," Robin said, bemused.

"That's enough," Howie interjected, cutting her off, "I also have with me in the studio today a couple of call girls known as Candy Ass and G-String. These two mares are here courtesy of the Frisky Fillies phone sex hotline and they give a whole new meaning to the phrase 'reach out and touch someone.' For you unwashed masses out there, that basically means they're hookers who are too lazy to get off their asses and stand on the street corner." Bon Bon's mouth hung open in shock. Lyra put her hoof on her marefriend's chin in order to close it. Howie continued his rant.

"It's a testament to the poor shape of the economy." the shock jock said, "When the prostitutes are literally phoning in their performances, the sex industry as we know it has really gone down the crapper." To accentuate his point, Howie pushed a button that made a loud toilet flush sound. Lyra and Bon Bon stared at him angrily as Howie bombarded them with questions.

"So let me ask you this, fillies," Howie said, "Where do you take your calls? In your bed? On the sofa? Underneath a stallion?" Lyra and Bon Bon tried to answer, but their shock made it difficult to articulate the words.

"Have you ever serviced a caller when you were taking a dump?" Howie asked the mares, who were too stunned to respond, "I bet you had to moan pretty loud to cover up those obnoxious, wet hay farts." The griffin then pressed two buttons simultaneously. One was of erotic feminine moaning, while the other consisted of various fart sound effects.

"Oh yeah!" (pfft pfft) "Oh more!" (pppffffrrrrrrrrrrrt) "Ohhhh... give it to me, baby!" (PBBBTT!) Bon Bon was so mortified, her face turned crimson. Lyra looked over at the booth and saw the pegasi stallions all doubled over in silent giggles. Lyra furrowed her brow. She was determined to defend the integrity of her work.

"Our job as fantasy sculptors is to create a vision that ceases to be fake in the mind of the caller," Lyra said, proudly, "We bring their desires to life as mental artists."

"Oh please," Howie said, dismissively, "Your callers just want to pretend their pinups are talking back to them while they jerk off." Lyra closed her mouth and took a deep breath. She wasn't about to get into an argument with him about this on his show. That's exactly what Howie wanted.

"And speaking of jerking off," Howie said, as he pressed a button that played the sounds of a male grunting and straining before a loud splattering noise was heard, "Let's talk about strange fetishes."

"Some of you may remember our coverage of Arborcon last year," Howie said, "Thousands of tree-fags, all in costume, who claim to be sexually-aroused by plants. You could tell deep down they were all ashamed to be seen in public like that. The one pegasus we interviewed was almost too embarrassed to speak about her tree-sona. The only reason she gave for being there was because she'd 'like to be a tree.'"

"She did send you a t-shirt from the event," Robin reminded Howie, "The one that said 'I got wood at Arborcon.'"

"Okay, that was pretty funny," Howie said, "If there's one thing I can say to the tree-fags' credit, at least most of them seem to be in on the joke. The same cannot be said for the group we're going to talk about today." Lyra shifted in her seat uncomfortably. She knew where this was going.

"When we sent someone to cover Arborcon last year, I thought that would be the most nebbish set of schmendriks we would ever cover on this show," Howie said, "Brother, was I wrong. The tree-fags can't hold a candle to the meshuggeneh shlemiels who call themselves human-lovers. There's an inordinate amount of ponies out there jerking off to hairless figments of their imagination and they treat it completely seriously." Lyra stared daggers into Howie as he spoke, while adjectives describing the radio host echoed repeatedly in her head.

"Racist, sexist, bigot, homophobe, chauvinist, misogynist," Lyra thought. Bon Bon rested a hoof on her marefriend's lap, trying to calm her down.

"Did you know that Equestrian Families United supports the human-lovers?" Howie asked Robin. Lyra looked confused.

"Really?" Robin said, "Those nutjobs like the human-lovers? I thought they hated everybody." Lyra was concerned that she and Atomic Faith might have some common ground now. The concept of a shared interest between them worried her.

"Yeah," Howie said, jokingly, "They see being a human-lover as a way to abstain from ever having sex with a partner." Howie played a rim shot sound effect as Lyra furrowed her brow, realizing his remark was just another jab taken at her group's expense.

"In order to compensate for their inability to get laid, human-lovers do a lot of masturbating," Howie said, "So much so that they have a code word that they use when jerking off to human porn. Everyone knows that 'clopping' is pony slang for masturbation. Well, the human-lovers have an equivalent slang word called 'fapping.'"

"Fapping?" Robin asked, dubiously.

"It's the sound they imagine humans would make when pleasuring themselves." Howie explained, "The fappers are ponies who get off to sexual pictures of humans. I guess when every sentient being on the planet rejects you, the only option you've got left is jacking off to imaginary creatures."

"I am obsessed now with finding out who these ponies are and putting them behind bars or something." Robin said, concerned.

"Since we talked about fappers on the show last week, the craziest thing happened," Howie said, "I received a ton of letters from human-lovers saying how dare I smear their community."

"There's a community?!" Robin said in disbelief. Lyra did a face hoof at the griffin's ignorance.

"I don't care who you are," Howie said, "You shouldn't be obsessed with humans as an adult. I'd sooner screw a timberwolf's splintered knot hole before I got my rocks off to human porn." Howie took a sip of coffee while Robin started talking about possible explanations for the origins of human-lovers.

"Most of these ponies probably read the book series Megan's Human Adventures in Equestria when they were foals," Robin said, "I mean, before I was old enough to fly, Daring Do and the Griffin's Goblet was my favorite book. But that doesn't mean I want to dress up in costume as an adult and go to a Daring Do convention."

"I don't know," Howie said, pervily, "I think you'd look pretty hot in a tight explorers outfit. Maybe we could even give you a whip." Howie played a sound effect of a whip cracking and a moan of sexual pleasure.

"I never read the Human Adventures in Equestria series or the Daring Do books growing up," Howie said, "I did watch the Daring Do porno parody, though. It was called Daring Screw and the Island of Horny Harpies. That was some hot lesbian action, let me tell you." Lyra had kept quiet as long as she could. Brimming with rage, she interrupted Howie Tern.

"Why is Daring Do porn okay, but those who enjoy erotic human art are labeled as freaks?" Lyra asked, tersely. Howie was taken aback with his guest's sudden outburst, but he recovered quickly.

"Even as a griffin, I can appreciate a sexy pony's ass," Howie said, "Interspecial relations between Griffins and Pegasi aren't considered as taboo as they once were. The difference between porn of ponies and people is that humans don't exist. There's something wrong in the head with anyone who's turned on by those mythical meat bags." Lyra felt her rage building as Bon Bon grew more concerned for her marefriend. Howie continued on his rant by bringing up Lyra and Bon Bon's old adversary.

"You've got these conservative nutjobs like Equestrian Families United who tell us we're two steps away from the apocalypse unless the princess banishes all gays to Uranus," Howie said, "I personally think the E.F.U. are full of crap, but if they really wanted evidence that we're living in a morally-bankrupt world, they need look no further than the human-lovers. Fappers have generated the more shockingly-explicit porn in less time than any other group. Ever. That should give you an idea of the depraved minds we're dealing with here." Lyra knew that Howie was only giving half truths. In actuality, fappers only comprised a small minority of human-lovers.

"After our correspondent conducted his interviews with some fappers last week, we received a strongly-worded letter from the organizers at Humancon," Howie said, smirking, "Apparently, our reporter never got the proper press papers and was there 'illegally.' Somehow I doubt the staff would've let him in there if he tried going through the proper channels. This cult of human worshipers is hiding some dark secrets that no one else is willing to talk about. We're uncovering what Erin Bro-nett and the Canterlot News Network won't tell you."

Howie opened up an image on his computer that was drawn by some human-lovers and showed it to Robin. The image was also displayed on monitors throughout the studio, so that Lyra and Bon Bon were also able to see. The image was a well-drawn picture of Erin Bro-nett as a human. She was presented as topless woman, with her hand and her long, brown hair covering her nipples.

"This is what the fappers do to mares who say they support their freaky fetish," Howie said, "What to you say, Robin? Want to tell the fappers they're cool so they'll draw humanized porn of you?"

"I'll pass," Robin said, as she minimized the window with a disgusted look on her face, "I want to stay as far away as I can from Humancon."

"It's good that they call it a con," Howie said, "Because that's exactly what it is. The organizers are conning these ponies out of their money for a useless event. Human-lovers are like the nerds that are so socially awkward that even other nerds want to avoid them. If anything, the human fandom succeeds in making the sci-fi and comic book geeks look more socially adjusted by comparison." Howie ruffled through his papers to find the statistics from Humancon.

"More than four thousand nudnicks congregated in one place to jerk off to humans. When you hear about all these ponies getting turned on by mythical creatures intended for kids, your first impression is that all these fappers must also be blank flank fiddlers. And do you want to know what the most frightening part about Humancon was? There were foals at the convention, too!" Robin shook her head disapprovingly.

Howie opened up a photo taken by his crew at the event. There was a stallion dressed as Megan from the Human Adventures in Equestria books. He wore a blond wig in a ponytail, tied with a pink bow. He had on blue overalls with a heart on his chest and frilly ruffles around his hooves. He also wore a pink top with white frilly ruffles at the cuffs and a white collar. To complete the costume, he wore pink shoes on his hind-hooves and fake human hands over his fore-hooves. Pictured next to him was a father protectively standing next to his young daughter. The father looked disturbed by all the adults surrounding him, who were there without children.

"That's just wrong," Robin said, shaking her head.

"If a bunch of perverts who share a fetish want to get together to form a huge circle jerk, I can tolerate that," Howie said, "But when they hijack something for kids and pervert it right in front of them, that's when these fappers become menuval."

"You had some parents who went to the convention with their foals," Robin said, "And they were surrounded on all sides by these sick, sexual perverts."

"It's not true!" Lyra blurted out, "Human-lovers aren't a bunch of foal molesters!" Howie, Robin, Bon Bon and the three pegasi were all staring at Lyra. The unicorn shrunk down in her seat. Howie broke the awkward silence.

"I'll admit that as I did more research, I found out that a majority of human-lovers aren't pedofoals," Howie said, "The honest truth is, the fappers just never grew up. They are all still mental blank flanks in a state of arrested development." Lyra scowled at Howie, opening her mouth to present a doozy of a rebuttal, when she was interrupted by Robin, who interjected Howie's comments, feeling obligated to cite a positive example.

"To be fair, some human-lovers aren't fappers and actually have jobs and are productive members of society," Robin said, "There are even human-lovers among the ranks of the Canterlot Royal Guard! Some attended Humancon wearing 'Megan is best human' stickers on their armor! They're normal the rest of the week and just do the human-lover thing in their free time. What would you think, Howie, if your son had a good job and stayed productive, but was also into humans?"

"I'd prefer it if he were into petty crime," Howie said, embarrassed, as he stared at the stallion dressed as Megan.

"Let's get another perspective on this," Howie said. Lyra braced herself excitedly. Adrenaline coursed through her body as she was ready to speak and defend human-lovers everywhere. Her enthusiasm was lessened when she realized that Howie wasn't asking her opinion, but was instead going to take a call.

"Go ahead, Hayseed," Howie said, "You're on the Howie Tern show." A hick-sounding stallion replied and introduced himself.

"This is Hayseed Turnip Truck," the stallion said in his dim-witted drawl, "I listen to your show everyday while I'm washing windows. You're hilarious."

"Tell me something I don't already know," Howie said, dryly.

"Well, I'm worried my son might be one of those human-lovers you were talking about," Hayseed said, concerned, "My son's a pegasus and I've always worried about him, cause he's always been on the scrawny side. Anyways, last week I caught him drawing pictures of humans and I later found a copy of Human Adventures in Equestria under his bed."

"Have you ever caught him pleasuring himself to people porn?" Howie asked, in his usual irreverent tone.

"Thankfully not," Hayseed said, embarrassed, "He did ask me if he could go to Humancon, but after listening to your show, I'm glad I told him no."

"Would you rather have your son jerk off to humans or be a colt cuddler?" Howie asked. Hayseed gave a nervous laugh.

"Given the options, I'd rather have a son who clops to humans," Hayseed said.

"Actually, the human-lovers don't call it clopping," Howie said, correcting the father, "Ask your son if he knows what fapping is. You see, this cult of human worshipers have their own lexicon and bizarre customs." Howie then disconnected from the caller. Almost as if he'd forgotten the mares were still there, he switched his attention back to Lyra and Bon Bon.

"Thanks for being patient girls," Howie said, "I really needed to get that out of my system. Then again, that's your job, isn't it? To wait patiently while men get something out of their system?" Howie then indicated that they were done talking about Humancon and were moving on to other topics.

"Don't you want to hear our opinions on human-lovers?" Bon Bon asked, speaking for Lyra, who was doubled up with silent rage.

"Not really," Howie said, curtly, "I currently know more about fappers than I ever wanted to learn. My show has already wasted more time on these freaks than they deserve. To talk about them any more would just be beating a dead horse, if you'll pardon the expression. No, what I want to do now is refocus on you two. I ask all my female guests this. Have either of you ever slept with another mare before?"

If any question could distract Lyra from the human issue, this was it. She was about to speak, when Bon Bon leaned into her mic and answered the question.

"Not that it's any of your business," Bon Bon said, irritated, "But we happen to be in a loving relationship." Bon Bon leaned back and pulled Lyra close, with a defiant look on her face.

The three pegasi raised their eyebrows and leaned forward, pressing their noses against the glass, as though Lyra and Bon Bon were zoo animals and Howie and Robin were their handlers. A smile graced Howie's beak as the impact of Bon Bon's bombshell hit him.

"Now seems like a good time to go to commercial," Howie said, "When we come back, I'll continue my interview with these two lovely lesbian phone sex operators." As they broke for commercial, Howie looked over at the three pegasi in the booth, who were all sharing a large tub of popcorn. He gave them a sly wink.

"This is turning out better than I had hoped," Howie said, "It's like I always say, 'lesbians equal ratings.'"

"You're nothing but a loudmouth homophobe!" Lyra said, finally snapping on the griffin, "You're a bigot who makes faggot jokes and exploits lesbians by reducing us to sexual objects!" Howie smiled passive-aggressively at Lyra as she ranted.

"Save this anger for when we're on the air," Howie said, "Although, I'm surprised to hear a phone fellatio facilitator like yourself try to lecture me on sexual exploitation."

"Believe me, I'm aware of the irony," Lyra said, through gritted teeth, "This isn't about me and my marefriend. This is about you and your sexualization of all lesbians."

"I am the hero of the lesbian community," Howie said proudly, dismissing her accusations. Lyra gave a mirthless laugh and seriously considered walking away from the interview right then and there.

"I freely admit that I'm obsessed with lesbos," Howie said, "Is it so wrong to want to make lesbianism appear glamorous?"

"I remember your 'I like dykes' promotion you ran with a few years ago," Bon Bon said, unimpressed, "Not very classy, Mr. Tern."

"You only like lesbians because we turn you on," Lyra said, her body shaking with indignation, "You're especially cruel with your insults to gay males."

"I'm one of the most pro-gay media personalities in Equestria," Howie said, jovially, "Colt cuddlers love me; and it's not just for my sexy, nubile griffin body. I've said many times that if I were gay, I'd bang so many buttholes. The gays who listen to me long enough realize that beneath my jokes lies a genuine attitude of tolerance." Lyra and Bon Bon stared at the griffin, unsure of what to believe.

"Why do you think I've had the founders of Equestrian Families United on my show several times?" Howie asked, "It's not because I agree with them. I do it so they can embarrass themselves, which is a much more powerful and effective strategy than simply calling them a bunch of idiots. Those bigots are responsible for their own demise; I just provide the rope." Howie turned to the control booth and looked at the green pegasus.

"Hey, Sound Bite," Howie said, "Queue up a clip of my most recent interview with Radiant Hope." Sound Bite scrambled to find the audio file, then played it. Lyra and Bon Bon listened to the all-too familiar voice of Radiant Hope as she was interviewed by Howie Tern.

"Let me ask you this," the prerecorded Howie said, "What would you do if your daughter came to you one day and told you she was gay?"

"That wouldn't happen," Radiant Hope replied, "Being a mare muncher doesn't happen overnight. It's a concentrated effort. Queers have to work hard and focus on being gay in order to stray that far from the natural order of things." The clip ended and Howie turned back to look at Lyra and Bon Bon, who were now listening closely to what the griffin had to say.

"I've had the E.F.U. founders on several times," Howie said, "The reason why I do it is to remind my audience what buffoons they are." Robin chimed in, wanting to stick up for her friend.

"Howie treats his gay and lesbian guests with the same probing questions and lack of respect he uses with his straight guests," Robin said, "He's very supportive of gay issues, and by not treating gay guests differently, he treats them with genuine equality." It slowly dawned on Lyra and Bon Bon that shock jock Howie Tern was not the griffin they thought he was.

"You see," Howie said to the mares, "the great secret is not a question of good manners or bad manners, or any particular sort of manners, but having the same manners for everyone. The question is not whether I treat gays rudely, but whether you've ever heard me treat anyone else any better." Lyra and Bon Bon nodded solemnly.

"I have a tremendous compassion for homosexuals," Howie said, in a rare moment of candor, "I feel that they are bullied and abused in our society. And I've put a lot of thought into this. They take so much crap just because they like to be with the same sex. It seems so absurd to me. It must be a terrible thing to be exposed to that kind of hatred and be hated just because of your sexuality..." Breakbumper indicated that the commercials were nearly over. Howie looked back at Lyra and Bon Bon.

"What do you say, girls?" Howie asked, "Will you stay and finish the interview?" Lyra looked at Bon Bon, who gave an encouraging nod. Lyra also nodded. Howie smiled as he put his headphones back on.

"This is Howie Tern, household name and all-around great griffin," he said, "I'm interviewing Candy Ass and G-String, two mares from the Frisky Fillies phone sex hotline. They claim to be lesbian lovers." Howie looked at the mares and smiled suggestively at them.

"It's not that I don't believe you, fillies," Howie said, "but let me see you kiss, or something. Mess around with each other so I know you're legit lesbians."

If Lyra and Bon Bon hadn't just heard the griffin's heartfelt feelings regarding homosexuality, they would've been offended by his brazen attempts to exploit their sexuality. Considering the circumstances though, Lyra and Bon Bon decided to play along.

The two lovers leaned in and kissed each other passionately on the lips. They opened wide, allowing the others to see their tongues exploring each other's mouths. Bon Bon moaned sensually as she locked lips with her marefriend. The glass in the soundproof booth was obscured by the steam generated by the three horny pegasi inside. They wiped their hooves against the glass, creating cartoon-style eye holes in the steam, which allowed them to continue watching the hot lesbians make out.

"I need more proof!" Howie said, clearly enjoying the show, "I mean, I kind of believe you, but I need more proof. One of you straddle your marefriend." Lyra leaned back slightly on the pillow, as Bon Bon got up and sat on Lyra's lap facing her. The mare's cream-colored back was facing Howie. Bon Bon used her fore-hooves to tilt Lyra's head up and kissed her on the mouth. Lyra wrapped her fore-hooves around Bon Bon's back in a sensual embrace.

"Yep, they're in love," Howie said, smiling. From where Robin was sitting, she saw the make out session from the side view.

"You should come over here, Howie," Robin said, "I've got the better view."

"I've got to stay in my seat," Howie said, using his desk to conceal his raging hardon, "I'm not in a position to get up at the moment. All I can say is, you mares are hot. You mares are so hot."

Once they started making out, Lyra and Bon Bon found it difficult to stop from going all the way. They were horny, but they weren't complete exhibitionists. After a quick make out session, Lyra and Bon Bon forced themselves to separate. They were both panting hard and their hearts were beating fast. Lyra's mane was all frazzled and Bon Bon licked her lips clean of her marefriend's saliva.

"The fact that you two are lovers and work as phone sex operators must make for an interesting relationship," Robin said to the mares, "It must be hard to separate your shared intimacy from the erotic nature of your jobs."

"It's actually pretty easy to keep our personal sex lives and our professional eroticism separate," Bon Bon said, "Although sometimes we get so turned on during a call that we'll start having sex together, while simultaniously ensuring our client's desires are fulfilled. We wouldn't still be with Frisky Fillies if we didn't enjoy performing phone sex on some level."

"What's the most bizarre fetish a caller has ever had?" Howie asked. The two mares looked at each other knowingly and smiled.

"Let me tell you about this mare who called in a couple days ago..." Lyra said.

When the show was over, Howie and Robin thanked Lyra and Bon Bon for allowing themselves to be interviewed.

"I wonder if you two would be interested in working for me," Howie said, "I'm thinking about starting a new segment on the show. I want to call it 'Tissue Time with Candy Ass and G-String.' You two would take calls and broadcast your phone sex talents across Equestria! You'd be famous! We'd even install a webcam where folks would pay big bucks to watch you two pleasure each other while you took calls." Bon Bon looked at Lyra apprehensively. Lyra acknowledged her marefriend's concern.

"Sorry Howie," Lyra said, "Thanks for the offer, but we'd prefer to work from the privacy of our home." As they turned to leave, Lyra looked back at Howie.

"Just so you know, I also happen to be a human-lover," Lyra said, proudly, "You're one of the most tolerant and empathetic griffins I've ever met, but you need to work on not judging some groups based on the fringes. Not all human-lovers are fappers."

"Are you a fapper?" Howie asked. Lyra blushed.

"No comment," Lyra said quickly as she pushed Bon Bon out the door. Howie smiled.