Mud Briar Tries to Order Pizza

by Alex_

Chapter 1: Technically, true mozzarella is not made with cow's milk...

Cheesy Disc rubbed her eyes, and looked up at the clock. There was just under half an hour left of her shift, and then she could go home. The moment couldn’t come sooner. Sighing, she looked back down at the phone and waited for it to ring again.

Cheesy’s job was to staff the phones, receiving orders and passing them on to the kitchen. For the most part the job was tolerable, but every so often she would get a pony who was rude or staggeringly indecisive, and she would start to lose the will to live. Still, tonight hadn’t been too bad.

Then the phone rang again.

Pulling herself from her thoughts, Cheesy picked it up. She’d done it so many times before that the words were automatic: “Hi, thanks for calling Pizza Stable. How may I help you?”


“Err... hello?” Cheesy had had her fair share of incompetent customers in the past, but never one who didn’t know how to work a phone. Still no noise came from the other end of the line. Had it been a prank call?

“Hello.” The reply finally came just as Cheesy was about to put the phone down. The voice was nasal and slow; she found herself feeling sleepy just listening to it. “Sorry for the delay, I was just deciding whether to say ‘hello’ or ‘good evening’”.

“It doesn’t matter,” she said. “They both mean pretty much the same thing. Anyway, can I ta-”

“Technically, they don’t mean the same thing. ‘Good evening’ implies that the time is currently after roughly 6pm, whereas ‘hello’ merely expresses a general greeting at any time of the day. Although it is currently 7:04pm, if we lived underground and didn’t know the time, it would be reckless to use ‘good evening’ without being sure whether or not it was accurate.”


“Therefore, there is a significant difference between the two. In this instance, however, even though I am aware of the time, I elected to use ‘hello’ in the interests of curtness, since it is the shorter greeting.”

Cheesy was stunned. She wasn’t sure quite what had just happened, and she didn’t want to know. Just take the order, she thought. And then they’ll go away.

“Well,” she began, with all the cheerfulness she could muster. “Now we’ve got that out of the way, would you like to order a pizza?”

“Technically, I would like to order two pizzas, as well as some sides.”

Cheesy resisted the urge to slam her face into the desk. “Okay, that’s fine. What exactly is your order?”

“Firstly, I would like to order a medium cheese and tomato pizza.”

“Okay. You don’t want anything on it?”

“Yes, I want cheese and tomato sauce on it.”

“Oh, well, yes, I suppose so. But you don’t want any other toppings, I mean?”

“But you didn’t say that. Technically, cheese and tomato sauce is something.” Cheesy then heard him move his face away from the receiver. “Maud, are cheese and tomato sauce something?”

“Yes, well, you knew what I meant,” Cheesy said, starting to get a little annoyed.

But she was ignored. “Yes, they’re something,” she heard a female voice say from the other end of the line.

“See?” added the male voice. “Cheese and tomato sauce are something.”

“Okay, okay,” she almost shouted in desperation. “I’m sorry. Would you like anything else on it, then? Any other toppings?”

“Hmm... what other toppings do you have?”

Cheesy started listing them off. “Well, we have mushrooms, onions, olives, jalapenos, peppers, spinach, pineapple,” she said. “Or you can have extra cheese, if you’d like.”

Silence. “Hmm...” he said. Cheesy waited for his response, holding her breath. The sheer battle they’d been through to get to this point had really instilled it with an artificial feeling of suspense. “No thank you, I don’t want any extra toppings,” he finally decided.

Cheesy’s face very nearly hit the table, but to her credit she managed to stop herself just in time. “Okay, that’s fine,” she said, although this time she’d managed to muster significantly less cheerfulness. “One cheese pizza, no extra toppings,” she muttered aloud as she wrote it down. “And you said you wanted two pizzas?”

“Technically, I said I wanted two pizzas and some sides.”

“Yes... yes. I remember. But let’s deal with the other pizza you wanted, and then we can get onto sides.”

“Okay,” he said. “I would also like to order a medium cheese and tomato pizza.”

“Another one?”


Cheesy managed to avoid angrily asking him why he didn’t just ask for two medium cheese and tomato pizzas originally. Instead, she asked, “And you wouldn’t like any other sides on that pizza either?”

“I don’t know. Hold on a second.” He moved his face away from the receiver again. “Maud, would you like any other toppings on your pizza?” Silence. Cheesy Disc could feel her body slowly ageing. “What was the list of toppings again?”

One or two of Cheesy’s hairs turned grey. “The toppings we offer are mushrooms, olives, peppers, jalapenos, onions, spinach or pineapple,” she said. “Or extra cheese.”

“No thank you, she doesn’t want any extra toppings.” Cheesy’s eye twitched.

“Two medium cheese and tomato pizzas with nothing – I mean nothing else – on them. Okay. And you said you wanted a side?”

“Technically, I said sides, plural,” he said.

Cheesy let out a little growl. “Yep, so you did. Well, what sides, plural, would you like?”

There was silence for a few seconds. “What are the options?”

Had he even read the menu? Cheesy realised she was starting to hyperventilate, so took a few seconds to get her breathing under control. Just as she was about to start listing the sides, the customer interrupted. “Are you okay? You’re taking a while.”

I’m taking a while? “Yep, sorry, I was just trying to find the list for you. For sides, we have garlic bread, nachos, dough balls, hay fries, coleslaw or salad.”

“Hmm...” Cheesy felt her eyes begin close. “Maud, what sides would you like? They do garlic bread, nachos, hay fries, coleslaw, salad, or- what was the other one?” Cheesy didn’t even realise she was being spoken to. She’d completely zoned out. “Hello? What was the last one?”

“What? Oh, sorry. Which ones did you say? I got distracted.”

“I said garlic bread, nachos, hay fries, coleslaw and salad. What was the one I missed?”

“Dough balls.”

“Oh, yes. Well, Maud, the options are garlic bread, nachos-” Cheesy laid her head down on the desk. “-hay fries, dough balls, coleslaw or salad.” A few seconds of silence passed, and she began to feel sleep – or maybe it was death – calling her. “Actually, she doesn’t want a side.”

Cheesy growled a bit more audibly this time. “After you went to the trouble of reading them out twice, she doesn’t want anything?”

“Technically, I wasn’t reading them out, just repeating them, since I never saw them written down. And technically, I didn’t say all of them twice: I only said ‘dough balls’ once.”

“Fine, fine.” She just wanted this to be over now. “So, two medium cheese and tomato pizzas, and you don’t want any sides?”

“Technically, I only said Maud didn’t want any sides. I still want one.”

I swear to Celestia, if he asks me to list them again...


Oh Luna, he actually is. What did I do to deserve this?

“-toppings do the nachos come with?”

Oh, thank goodness. “Well,” she said. “The nachos are topped with Pizza Stable’s own tomato sauce and mozzarella cheese, and come with a salsa dip. You can also have jalapenos, if you’d like.”

“Hmm... yes, I’d like nachos with my pizza, please.”

“Okay, that’s fine. Would you like jalapenos on that?”

"Hmm... yes, please."

Finally, she was nearly done taking the order. Cheesy Disc couldn’t imagine how blissful it would be to never have to talk to this pony again. “Okay, two medium cheese and tomato pizzas, and nachos with jalapenos. Is that everything?”


“That’s excellent,” she said, sounding more sincere than she had at any other point. “It will be twenty-two bits, and should arrive in about half an hour.”

“Okay, thank you.”

“Thank you, and have a good evening.”

“Technically, it’s closer to night-time by now.”

Even though it was only just past 7 o’clock, Cheesy couldn’t even be bothered to contradict him. She just put the phone down and breathed a sigh of relief. Finally, that was over. It felt like she’d been talking to him for hours.

She glanced up at the clock, to see how long of her shift was left. It was 8pm.

Wait, 8pm?

She should have finished half an hour ago! Had it really taken that long to take his order? It must have done.

Grumbling, she got to her hooves, and went to pass the order on to the kitchens before she left for home. Two cheese pizzas, nachos with jalapenos, twenty-two bits... wait, something was missing. Then she realised what it was.

She’d forgotten to ask his address. The delivery mare would have no idea where to take it. That meant... she’d have to phone him back.

This time her face actually hit the desk.

Author's Notes:

This was a bit of an experiment. Hopefully I managed to make the conversation frustrating for Cheesy without making it too frustrating to read.

And if you have any feedback or criticism, please do leave it! :yay: It's really useful to me for improving, and I do read it all.

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