Author's Notes:

To all my detractors with perfectly valid points and who were actually quite respectful, let's see how low I can go.

“What do you mean I can’t shit on castle grounds?!”

Celestia sighed and rested her head in her hooves. And to think that this morning was going so well. Of course, her ‘lovely little student’ had to go and fuck it up. Again. “It’s against the rules, Twilight. You have to go to the restroom to do your duties.”

Twilight stomped her hooves on the castle carpet, a small puff of dust letting itself loose. “But I’m the Princess! Why do I have to get charged with that rule?!”

“The rules apply to everypony, Twilight. Even you. Even me. And no, there’s no sort of clause for this. I would tell you otherwise.”

Celestia felt no sort of amusement from this interaction. Normally, she’d be trying her best not to giggle at the blatant lack of common sense, especially from the Canterlot elite and their interesting perception of the world.

“I didn’t even know this rule existed! I don’t think that rule even exists!”

But this was Twilight. Who she’d taught for many years. Who’d read every book in the library several times over. Who’d saved the world from imminent destruction multiple times. Who had ascended to being an alicorn.

And she found Twilight shitting in the castle garden.

“Ignorance of the law is no excuse, Twilight. For heaven’s sakes, this should be common sense.”

Twilight looked at her questioningly. “What do you mean, common sense?”

Celestia face-hooved. ‘She has to be joking’, she repeated in her head over and over.

“Twilight, please don’t tell me you thought it was socially acceptable to unload your bowels anywhere else except the restroom?”

The purple alicorn only stared at her mentor. A look of realization dawned on her face. “Oh, so that’s what those rooms are for!”

Shehastobejokingshehastobejokingshe—

Celestia smiles, it failing to reach her eyes. “What do you mean, ‘that’s what those rooms are for’?”

“You know, those room with the sinks and the water pots.”

Water pots.

Motherfucking water pots.

Celestia felt like seppuku would be preferable at this point.

“T-those are toilets, Twilight. Those are toilets.” She stood up from her throne, her legs shaking and hear heart thumping against her chest. How the fuck did her student not know this. “My d-dear student, please, follow me, I have to show you something.”

Twilight’s eyes shone brightly. “Oooo, what is it?

Celestia walked past Twilight, trying her best to keep a steady pace, and not sprint out of there and hide in her bed for the rest of the day.

Today was a day for learnin’.

They reach the library, and Celestia immediately goes over to the common sense’ section, which had very few books, and pulls out a book before handing it to Twilight. “Read this. The Very Basics of Common Sense, Vol. 32.”

Twilight took the book and flipped through it. “Yeah, this has all the stuff that everypony should know. What’s the problem?”

Her brow furrowed, Celestia ripped the book from her student’s grip and flipped through the pages. She frowned, and muttered to herself, “Where’s the section on using the restroom? It was here 10 editions ago.” She grit her teeth and tossed the book back into the shelf, before she ran to the ‘laws’ section and pulled out a specific parchment, unfurling it, and after a pause, throwing it to the ground with a mild amount of force.

“Why was the law annulled?!”

Twilight only stood there in surprise as her mentor lost her cool and began dragging her through the castle, only stopping when they were both standing in front of the restroom.

“Twilight, this is a restroom. That is where you go do business, alright? Show me you know how to do this.”

“I can show you right now!”

“Twilight, please don’t, that's actually fucking disgusti-”

“Hnnnnnnnnnng!”

Celestia couldn't help but stare as her beloved student began shitting on the floor. In front of her. In front of the bathroom. In the middle of a castle hallway.

She felt any sort of care or concern fly out the window and into the sewers, like where Twilight’s alicornism should be.

“You know what, Twilight? I don't fucking need this shit right now. I was having a great day. An excellent one, even! I got to have my favorite breakfast! I got to read Luna a morny-morning story! If I could have just one day in a decade where nothing goes wrong. But no. You just have to come in and shit all over my castle and my day with your little fucking ‘I don't know how to be a social competent pony’ shtick!” She turns around, and storms down the hall. “Fucking fine. Shit wherever you want! See if I care! There's a lot of things I could've done today instead of this. I could've actually finished some work for once. I could've eaten the entirety of the new cake shipment. I could've been harassing nobles. I could've been fucking a hot guard! I could've just-” The large pair of double doors at the end of the hallway slammed closed, leaving Twilight alone, still sitting in her shitting position.

Her brow furrowed. “I'm a perfectly socially competent pony.” she said as she angrily slid away, completely ignorant of the scent that stuck onto her and the brown trail left behind, that would scare away any suitors, therefore causing to be alone for the rest of her shitty life.

She exits the castle and meets up with Cadance, who was waiting by the castle gates. “So, how did it go, Twilight?”

Twilight sighed. “I got chewed out by Celestia for shitting on the floor.”

Cadance looked at her with surprise. “Really?”

Twilight nodded. “Yeah, apparently there are these things called ‘toilets’ that we have to use.”

Cadance laughed. “So that’s what they were called! I thought those old things were made irrelevant centuries ago!”

“I know, right? Who doesn’t shit on the floor nowadays?”

The two laugh off in the distance, shitting all along the way.