Gilda had left for work ten minutes ago and Sunset was still sitting in bed, fiddling with her guitar and considering if maybe her resolve yesterday to go to the mall alone might have been just a tiny bit misplaced. It was a lot easier to feel brave when Gilda was right next to her, she hadn’t been much more than ten feet from her girlfriend since she got home from the hospital and now she was going to the Crystal Emporium.

Alone.

Yeah, that was the big part.

Plus she had to shower.

On the list of things Sunset had quickly come to hate about being crippled, bathing had rapidly ascended near to the top of the list. Whenever you watch one of those t.v. shows or movies and the main character is rolling around in a wheelchair they always emphasize the hero’s inability to thwart evil or something asinine like that.

No one ever brings up how goddamn hard it is to take a stupid shower when your stupid legs don’t work so you have to sit on a stupid stool and scrub one stupid limb at a time while trying to keep upright while the stupid shower head sprays you in your stupid face except you can’t reach it because you’re on the stupid stool and you can’t-

Sunset slapped her cheeks a few times, trying to break through the mass of intrusive thoughts that were rolling through her brain like an unwanted four hundred pound cheese-wheel.

‘The point being that the whole matter is damp and humiliating,’ Sunset thought sullenly as she stared at the door to the bathroom as though it were at fault. ‘But nothing is going to get done by sitting here and feeling sorry for yourself, Shimmer.’

Gripping the cold metal handle by the bed, Sunset heaved herself from the mattress to her chair. A movement that was becoming almost mechanical in its familiarity. It was weird how quickly one could get used to something so obtrusive. The showering matter notwithstanding. Sunset was sure it was going to get easier with time, but she was positive she’d never really get used to it.

Maybe next time she could convince Gilda to help her.

Sunset’s face went red at the thought and took a deep breath. ‘Down girl, Gilda’s at work. And we’ve got the dumb and annoying chore of crippled hygiene to see to. Goodie gumdrops.’

Situating herself into her wheelchair, Sunset unlatched the brake and rolled over towards the bathroom, pulling the door open and wheeling herself in to park near the stall. It was a standing shower, so it wasn’t the most convenient thing for a girl who wasn’t able to stand, but fortunately, she was small enough to sit in the corner and be able to wash with relative ease, if not comfort.

Her towel sat off to the side, hanging from a bar that was lowered from its prior height. The quickly spackled wall above it betrayed its former position, but sometime during Gilda’s renovations she’d managed to bring it down to a more manageable place. Sunset smiled as she ran her hand over the soft fabric. It was a simple, orange towel, faded with use, but just thinking about the amount of time and sweat that Gilda poured into making sure Sunset could reach it made her choke up a little.

“I really don’t deserve you, babe,” Sunset muttered softly as she opened the shower door and leaned in to crank the knobs to her preferred temperature.

Closing the door while the spray reached the right heat, Sunset began the laborious process of removing her clothes. The sweater and bra were the easy part. The pajama pants and panties? Yeah… not so much. It was an awkward sort of movement but one that Sunset had start practicing out of necessity.

Latching the brake so she didn’t go rolling in a random direction this time (the first time she hadn’t had been extremely embarrassing) Sunset braced her elbows on the armrests of the wheelchair and lifted herself slightly, looping her thumbs down to grip the elastic bands of her clothes then started the irritating (and somewhat humiliating) process of scooting her trousers and underwear down with small hopping motions of her upper body, every hop bringing her arms further down and carrying her remaining clothing with them.

Letting out a sigh as she finally finished the annoying and time-consuming action that would let her actually shower without ruining her clothes. Grimacing as she tossed her clothes to the side, Sunset unlatched her brake and rolled to the side of the shower. Pulling the door open she eyed the stool in the corner.

She hated this part.

Closing her eyes and taking a breath, Sunset braced for the sudden spray as she gripped the handle inside the shower and swung inwards. The hot water splashed across her face and down her front as she landed on the stool a little off-kilter. It wobbled under her sudden weight and Sunset let out a sharp ‘yeep!’ as it rocked back and forth. Sunset shot both hands out and braced herself against the walls, suddenly thankful that the stall was so small.

Sputtering through the spray of water, Sunset ran her hands through her red and gold locks, wiping away at her face to clear her eyes as she leaned back and out of the spray. For a moment she just let the water hit her, reveling in the warm, steamy heat.

“Alright, Sunset,” she mumbled through a mouthful of water, “time to get clean.”

Grabbing a small hand towel and lathering some soap onto it, Sunset began the onerous task of cleaning. Arms and upper body were easy enough, the back was a pain though. Not being able to move around freely was rough. The stall was too small for her to stretch comfortably and most of the time she spent scuffing and bumping her arms and elbows against the walls, wincing as she tried to reach everywhere. Then came the really hard part.

Her legs.

Leaning back so she was braced against the wall, Sunset lifted one of the useless appendages up, crossed it over her other knee, and started scrubbing. It was hard. She couldn’t feel most of it so she had to be careful not to scrub too strongly or she’d hurt herself. If she did, she might not even notice until it got infected or something.

As Sunset scrubbed away, tears started to track down her cheeks. Tears of annoyance and frustration. It was stupid. This whole thing was stupid. Crying over having to clean yourself was really stupid. Then her hand slipped, the little towel she’d been using fell from her fingers to the floor of the stall. For a moment, Sunset just stared at it.

It might as well be through the portal in Equestria.

“Fuck!” Sunset shouted, and leaned down, reaching for the towel while gripping the edge of the stool to keep from toppling over.

Without being able to brace herself with her legs she couldn’t lean all the way over without taking the risk of sending herself ass over teakettle and bashing her head on the shower floor or wall. It was just out of reach, though. It had landed in the corner just furthest from her and sat, mockingly, in a bunched up soggy mess.

Sunset glared at it, stretching her fingers out, but pulling back the moment she felt the stool wobble underneath her again.

“Fuck DAMMIT!” Sunset screamed and tears were spilling down her face as she leaned back against the wall, breathing hard as she sobbed under the lukewarm shower. “I fucking hate this,” she muttered bitterly, spitting out water onto the wall.

Reaching out she grabbed the soap and pulled the leg she’d been scrubbing roughly, a bit too roughly, back up and started in on the process with just the bar. She’d apologise later for using too much. Tears mixed with the suds as she rubbed and she winced as she saw the raw red skin she was leaving behind. Turning her leg to and fro, she cleaned where she could reach before swapping to the other leg and repeating the process.

“I hate this,” she muttered as she scoured her skin. “I hate this, I hate this, I hate this, I hate this, I HATE THIS!” her last words came out in a frustrated screech.

Gripping the soap too hard, it spat out of her hand and slapped her across the face, leaving a trail of stinging suds across her eyes and the taste of soap in her mouth. Sunset screamed angrily, grabbing at the soap and hurling it at the stall wall. She moved to fast and too hard, her motions were too wild. The already unsteady stool wobbled again, except she was off balance. Without her legs, Sunset had no way to regain that balance.

The stool went out from under her.

With a shriek of panic, Sunset fell and slammed her head against the stall door that mercifully gave way, absorbing a little of the impact. Sunset caught herself on the cheap linoleum tile floor of the bathroom but winced. She’d landed hard on her wrist and it left a stinging pain all up her arm.

Cooling water pooled around her lower half that was sprawled haphazardly inside the shower stall, while her upper half was freezing, hanging naked outside of the semi-warm mists of the shower itself. Red and gold hair hung lank and sodden around Sunset’s face as she stared down at the floor.

“D-dammit…” Sunset sobbed the word out as she laid down on the floor, too tired and worn to bother getting up. The cold metal partition that divided the stall floor from the bathroom floor and rug bit in her hips but she didn’t care. It was too much effort to care. “I… I hate this… I hate everything.”

The shower water was turning cold as it sprayed her lower half. She could barely even tell but for the lapping water hitting her upper thighs as it drained. Sunset couldn’t do anything about that. The knobs were too far and too high.

Sunset cried, quietly curling up alone on the rug in the cold winter air insomuch as she could. Wrapping her arms around herself, Sunset whimpered and sobbed, shaking from a combination of cold and grief. She cried like a child.

She wanted Gilda.

Sunset just wanted Gilda to come in and hold her and tell her everything would be okay. She wanted Gilda to pick her up and carry her to the bed. To curl up next to her and warm her up and kiss her and make the rest of the world not matter anymore. She wanted the world to just be her and Gilda and bad horror movies and popcorn and nothing else. She just… cried. Every so often crying out Gilda’s name, knowing full well she was the only one in the little flat they shared.

Her name wasn’t enough, but it was something.

“Gilda…” Sunset cried almost inaudibly from the floor. It was a strong name, it was a name that felt strong. It was just enough to make her feel… a little stronger.

Taking a breath, Sunset braced her arms on either side of her and pushed up, levering herself above the rug. Her wheelchair, her mobile prison, was right next to her. Sunset grabbed the armrest and pulled herself the rest of the way out of the shower so she was sitting on the rug. Grabbing the towel that hung from the lowered bar, Sunset sniffled as she began slowly drying herself off, stopping occasionally to wipe away the tears that trailed down. Pulling her legs up, she dried them, trying to be as gentle as possible and wincing at the marks the fall had left. Those were definitely going to bruise, she’d have to keep an eye on them.

Finally dry, Sunset grabbed her clothes from where she’d set them on the counter by the sink and started pulling them on. Panties and bra, one went on with far more grace than the other, then her leggings, a nice warm woolen pair, the teal dress she’d worn out of the hospital and a sweater over that. It took more time than Sunset was comfortable with and more than a few colorful Equestrian curses, but she was eventually dressed.

Taking a grip on her wheelchair, Sunset heaved herself up and sat down, re-adjusting her legs so they fell comfortably down to the footrests. Unlatching the break, Sunset rolled over to the shower and cranked both the knobs down, finally ending the stream of now-frigid water.

That had probably been one of the most miserable showers in the history of indoor plumbing, Sunset decided, sighing heavily as she leaned her head to the side and started drying her hair, scrubbing at her sodden locks carefully. It was one of her very few points of vanity. Even as a unicorn she’d taken very scrupulous care of her mane and as a human she’d done the same for her hair. Even given her living situation one of her few personal luxuries she’d permitted herself was her shampoo and conditioner. That had become more difficult lately with her injury, she would take a shower tomorrow and just focus on her hair.

Shaking the last few drops of moisture free, Sunset gave her hair one more careful once-over with the towel before deeming herself at least worthy of the outside world and rolled out of the bathroom. It was frigid pretty much everywhere these days and Sunset immediately shivered and rolled over to the dresser. Gilda had cleared out two of the topmost drawers, moving their contents to a lower one, to make room for Sunset’s meager stash of belongings.

Opening up the drawer, Sunset pulled out a pair of thick socks and went through the process of fixing them onto her feet. Not as annoying as putting on any kind of pants, but definitely still more work than it ought to be.

Sunset’s stomach gurgled. Right, she hadn’t eaten yet. Turning to the kitchen she weighed her options. Go through the trouble of trying to make herself breakfast despite knowing exactly how long it would take? Was it worth it? Her stomach was making a convincing case on the matter given the forty-five minute ride to the mall.

Cereal. Cereal was easy enough. A small bowl of cereal wouldn’t be too bad. Sunset rolled into the kitchen and grabbed the bag of cereal from where it sat on the counter. The milk from the fridge came next and then…

“Oh… yeah,” Sunset said a little defeated. She looked up at the cupboard where the bowls were. “Right, they’re on the second shelf so…”

Out of her reach.

After the fiasco in the shower, she wasn’t going to risk breaking any of Gilda’s dishes. Instead, she grabbed a dirty glass from the sink and rinsed it, filled it halfway with milk, put the gallon back, and popped open the bag.

Sunset’s breakfast was several crossly devoured handfuls of dry chocolate cereal washed down with a few gulps of milk.

“Well that was fucking humiliating,” Sunset groused angrily, staring at her choco-dust covered hand as if it were to blame. “I can’t even make myself breakfast like a normal goddamn human being or a pony.”

Putting the cereal back and tying it closed, she deposited the newly re-dirtied glass in the sink. Maybe she’d do the dishes later before Gilda got home. That’d be nice, right?

Or maybe she’d just collapse in a ball of tears and self-loathing on Gilda’s side of the bed and try to pretend she wasn’t having her gut eaten away by crippling anxiety, fear, and loneliness.

Yeah, that sounded a lot more likely, if she was being honest.

Washing her hands, Sunset rolled over to the hook where the jackets were, she grabbed her jacket and pulled it on then threw Gilda’s scarlet scarf around her neck. Gilda had gone without it today, not wanting to risk it getting any stains and Sunset hoped her girlfriend would forgive her for taking it to the mall. It smelled like Gilda, it smelled like… safe. Taking a deep breath, she rolled over to the bed and grabbed one of the older, ratty blankets and tucked it around her legs. Sunset secured her guitar case to the back of her chair, the guitar inside, and went to the door. An orange beanie was the last article to go on, pulled snugly over her ears and masking her red-gold hair.

Checking the time on her phone, Sunset choked on her breath and smiled at the messages that were waiting for her on the screen.

//I love ya Sunshine// //Be safe and call me.//

The text sent a shiver of warmth through Sunset’s body and down to her heart. Flicking the text box open she replied.

//I love you too. So so much. Getting to the bus now, call you soon.//

Reaching into the breast pocket of her jacket, Sunset drew out one of the cigarettes she’d gotten from Gilda before she left for work and put to her lips, then took out the matchbox she’d bogarted from the flat and lit it. She smiled around the little puffs of smoke as she rolled up to the bus stop and took her place there next to a couple of students.

“You know that’s gonna kill you right?” One of them said, a girl with bright blue hair and a pink complexion. She was dressed in a white parka that looked quite warm. “The cigarette I mean. They’re awful for you.”

“Hon, I’m pretty sure she knows…” The young man with slate gray skin and fuschia hair at her side said in a pleasantly strong voice, nudging his companion as he did so.

Sunset took another, longer drag on the cigarette without responding, looking square at the girl for a few moments before breathing the cloud of smoke out the side of her mouth away from them. No need to be rude after all.

“Seriously,” the girl continued. “You’re like, what? Sixteen? That’s illegal.”

“Maybe I’ve just got a young-looking face,” Sunset finally said in an irked tone. “Or maybe it’s none of your business.”

The girl scowled. “Hey, I’m just trying to help. That shit’s gonna kill you.”

“That’s the dream,” Sunset countered with a bitter grin as she took another drag. “Unless ya wanna switch places,” she continued, patting her wheelchair, “otherwise I think I’m happy with shortening my life span as much as possible, savvy?”

The last word slipped out without hesitation and Sunset had to suppress a chuckle when she realised what she’d said. Gilda was rubbing off on her a lot more than she thought. Even her mannerisms were slipping through. The two older kids just grimaced at her dry, nihilistic tone, and turned away.

Good. Did they think she didn’t know that smoking was a bad habit? It was a terrible habit. It was also one of the few ways she could destress when she was out in public without Gilda. Normally, her girlfriend kept her centered, it didn’t stop Sunset from stressing out or panicking but it kept her off of the ragged edge of an outright panic attack.

Gilda wasn’t here though.

Sunset was alone and that meant she was smoking and anyone else could suck her dock if they had something to say about it. She wasn’t planning on blowing it in anyone’s face so long as they stayed out of hers. She wouldn’t smoke indoors and she’d keep it to herself. Sunset didn’t understand why other people couldn’t just afford her the same goddamn courtesy.

The bus arrived slightly late and parked. The driver grimaced at the sight of her wheelchair but lowered the ramp and dock for her to board. It would slow him down, she knew, but it didn’t mean he had to be rude about it. It’s not like she was sitting in this stupid contraption just to annoy him.

That’s pretty much how Sunset was getting used to being treated by almost everyone except Gilda. As an inconvenience that was tolerated, less as a person.

Rolling sullenly onto the loading ramp, Sunset put out the cigarette on the metal corner of her chair carefully since there was half left, and tucked the remains behind her ear as she tried to remember where all the loops and clasps went on her wheelchair. She was smart, she knew that. She had never had an issue memorising anything. Time to put that skill to use. Calling back in her mind the image of Gilda moving her hands around her chair, slow but sure and confident just like she did everything.

This one here. That clips there. This one goes over and under there.

Click. Click. Clickety-clack.

The ramp had hardly finished docking fully with the bus by the time Sunset finished. Grinning down at her quick work, she felt a little surge of accomplishment.

“You’re pretty good at that,” the voice of the guy who was with the health-nut girl. “Practice?”

He’d been nothing but civil, so Sunset saw no reason to afford him the same. She gave him a small smile and nodded. “Yeah, something like that. Still a pain, though.”

“Yeah, I can’t imagine,” he responded, shaking his head. “Sorry, I’m Helden, Helden Tenor, I’m a music student at Crystal Prep Academy.”

Sunset held out her hand. “Sunset Shimmer, pleased to meet you Helden.”

Helden took her hand and shook it, before turning to the girl. “And this is my girlfriend, Penny.”

Penny gave a short huff but nodded and cautiously held out her hand. “Pennyroyal Tea, thank you, and I’m sorry I came off so strong at the bus stop… I have strong feelings about smoking and drug use.”

“I getcha,” Sunset answered, a little mollified by her apology. “It’s cool, but I can’t get pain medication, or any psychiatric help or anything. Paperwork stuff, so this is all I’ve got.”

“Wow, that’s… really shitty,” Penny said with a wince. “What happened?”

“Babe, c’mon,” Helden flicked her across the ear, drawing a small laugh from Sunset and a flinch from Penny. “That’s really friggin’ rude.”

Penny rubbed her ear but nodded. “Right, sorry, that was outta line.”

“Nah, it’s alright,” Sunset replied, waving it off. “Long story short, some really heavy stuff fell on me and broke my back, now I’m in a chair for the rest of my life.”

“Geez, that’s pretty awful,” Helden said, looking concerned.

Sunset could only shrug. What was she supposed to say? Yeah, no shit it was awful, her fuckin’ legs didn’t work of course it was pretty fuckin’ awful you numbskull son of a- Closing her eyes, Sunset pushed away the angry thoughts. He was just trying to be nice.

“So, you two are actually a lot nicer than I expected from Crystal Prep students,” Sunset said making as unsubtle as possible of a change in topic. Unsurprisingly, though, the two actually looked relieved. Still, she winced at the backhanded compliment she just gave. “No offense.”

“None taken,” Helden laughed. “Crystal Preppers aren’t exactly the friendliest bunch, at least, the ones at the top. Those are the ones most schools are familiar with since the current Principal is pretty gung-ho about appearances. Us middle of the pack-ers are a lot more mellow.”

“So what do you two study, exactly, up at Crystal Prep?” Sunset asked.

“Classical music major, specialising in operatic musical theory and practice,” Helden said with a grin. “I’ve always loved the powerful vocals of opera music.”

Penny smirked. “Yeah, that’s kinda archaic for me, though. I’m a Modern Music major; grunge, punk, rock and roll, and all that. I’m kind of a music nerd all around.”

“Huh, guess we have something in common after all,” Sunset pointed a thumb back at her guitar. “Used to play in a band, I still play plenty on my own though. I’m headed to the mall because I snapped a string playing Santana.”

“No shit?!” Suddenly Penny had swapped places with her boyfriend who yelped as he was displaced and she was leaning in way to close for Sunset’s comfort. “What other music do you play?!”

“U-uh… S-Sublime? Chili Peppers? A lotta stuff I guess?” Sunset wished fervently she could roll backward but there was nowhere on the bus for her wheelchair to go. “I, uh, really like the more relaxed guitar stuff, y’know? Less rock’n’roll and more alt-rock I guess? Some weird alternative stuff too, maybe?”

Fortunately, a grey hand settled on the overly-enthusiastic girl’s shoulder and pulled her back to her seat. “Sorry about that,” Helden said as he pushed Penny back down. “She gets really worked up over her major.”

“I-its okay,” Sunset said a little shakily, her voice broke more than she would’ve liked. “I’m just… don’t like people getting that close to me, it’s… I just don’t like it.”

Penny swallowed hard and nodded, a little red-faced. “I’m really sorry about that, Sunset. Helden’s right, I get way too excited and it’s stupid.”

“No it’s not!” Sunset said a little strongly, enough to make them both hop a little. “It’s not stupid to get excited over stuff you like! That’s good!” Scowling, Sunset crossed her arms and looked down at her legs. “Don’t apologise for getting excited, how else is this shit-hole world supposed to be bearable if you can’t get excited over the good stuff?”

In part, Sunset hated how melancholy she got whenever Gilda wasn’t around. It was like everything else was just a little bit, or maybe a lot, darker. It was harder to see the good, easier to see the bad. It was just… worse. She knew it wasn’t healthy. Intellectually Sunset knew that she was getting too dependent on her girlfriend. It wouldn’t be good for her or for Gilda if things kept going like this.

That was one of the reasons Sunset had decided to go to the mall on her own. To prove to herself, and a little bit to Gilda, that she was able to. That she could function without being in arms reach of her girlfriend. Gilda should be a comfort to her, she shouldn’t be the sole reason Sunset had any energy or ability to function at all. That wasn’t a relationship that was mental sickness.

“Yeah, I guess…” Penny said softly, “I think that’s a better way to look at it. My family doesn’t really like my major or my interests so I don’t have many people to talk about it with.”

Helden wrapped an arm around Penny and pulled her close to him. “Yeah, apparently they were thrilled when we started dating because they thought I would ‘put her back on the track of proper ideas’ which I thought was pretty fucked up.”

“Ugh, yeah, that’s kinda gross,” Sunset laughed, shaking her head. “Glad I don’t hafta deal with stuff like that.”

“Supportive parents?” Penny asked cheekily.

Her face fell when she saw the look on Sunset’s face as the red-haired girl shook her head. “Nope, more like ‘no parents’.”

“Wow,” Penny said in a dumbfounded voice. “You’ve had a pretty crap life.”

Sunset just stared for a moment at Penny, her look of incredulity matched by an equal look of horror on Helden’s face. The tension broke when Sunset suddenly started cracking up. Her laughter went from a chuckle to full, knee-slapping shouts of hilarity. After a few minutes of mastering herself, Sunset wiped the tears from her eyes and just nodded.

“Well, you’re not fuckin’ wrong there, Penny,” Sunset cracked as she took a breath and leaned back in her chair. “Not wrong at all.”

WIth the strain bled away, Helden and Penny both relaxed and the rest of the bus ride was spent in comfortable and less incendiary conversation. Music featuring foremost as the two girls compared their library of favorite songs and artists, while Helden chimed in occasionally, concerning influences that classical musicians and composers have had on even the most modern musical genres.

The bus parked at the hub at the Crystal Emporium Mall and Sunset went about the process of unfastening herself and her chair. As she was unloaded from the bus, she was surprised to see Helden and Pennyroyal waiting for her.

“Hey, Sunset?” Penny walked up and smiled a little shyly. “Do, uh, do you wanna exchange numbers? I’d really love having another friend to talk music with outside the classroom, y’know?”

Sunset smiled as she pulled out her phone. “Yeah, actually, I’d… I’d like that too.”

Penny’s face brightened up at her response and she eagerly exchanged their phones, punching in her number to Sunset’s while Sunset returned the favor on Penny’s. Helden held his own phone out and smiled and Sunset repeated the process. It was a little overwhelming but… it felt good.

She was making friends. Her own friends. She wasn’t a charity case, she wasn’t just being ‘looked after’ because a Princess gave an order. No, Sunset was making friends the old fashioned way.

“You gonna be in the mall for awhile?” Penny asked as she tucked her phone away and passed Sunset’s back. “We’re meeting some friends but I don’t think we’re doing anything after.”

Sunset shrugged. “Maybe, I’m just here to pick up some new guitar strings, maybe play a little in one of the halls.”

“Really?” Helden’s interest was piqued. “Let us know if you’re gonna play for sure, I’d be down to hear it if you don’t mind our friends tagging along.”

“It’s a public place,” Sunset responded a little nervously. Of course, it was fine, she’d be playing for a bunch of strangers after all. Might not be a bad idea to have a few people who already liked her be in the crowd too. “I’ll let you guys know.”

They parted ways as Sunset rolled across the cold, salted concrete and asphalt to the entrance that she and Gilda had gone in the other day, stopping where they had before to finish her cigarette, relighting it with a new match and settling in to relax a little. That bus ride had taken more out of her than she cared to admit. Pennyroyal and Helden were nice, really nice, once she got past Penny’s overly enthusiastic approach to basically everything.

It had been exhausting though.

Sunset felt a twinge on her lip and pulled the butt of the cigarette out of her mouth before it burnt her. That’s right, it was a halfie, Sunset tossed it into the ashtray nearby and fished out another one, lit it, and went back to her thoughts.

It really was a good feeling… making her own friends. ‘Maybe that’s why my friendship with the girls fell apart so easily,’ Sunset mused, blowing out a thin stream of smoke. ‘At the end of the day, we’d never really made friends with each other. They just… adopted me because they were obligated to. Then when a problem really arose they circled the wagons, protected their own, and… and I didn’t make the cut.’

“Fluttershy was right, in the end,” Sunset muttered mournfully. “I really wasn’t their friend.”

“I’ll never understand why people smoke, darling,” a familiar voice rang out from part of the crowd entering the mall, and Sunset felt her blood run cold. “It ruins your lungs, destroys your complexion, and gives you that ghastly smoker’s rasp.”

Trying to simultaneously duck her head down while still scanning the crowd, she spotted her. Rarity walking alongside Fluttershy. Rarity gave Sunset a once-over and grimaced, turning back to Fluttershy. Rarity hadn’t recognized her, at least. That was stress that Sunset did not have the energy for today.

“Oh, uhm, I’m sure they have a good reason,” Fluttershy responded as they slowly approached the entrance doors. “You never really know, right?”

“I can’t fathom the reason, darling,” Rarity shook her head dramatically. “Really though, I know you’re trying to be nice but I just don’t understand why someone would sacrifice their health for that particular ‘cool’ image. It’s out of vogue anyway.”

“I-it’s not always about image,” Fluttershy countered. “It-”

Sunset lost the rest of the conversation as they entered the mall. Just as well she was gritting her teeth hard, almost biting through her cigarette. She tried to contain her temper but it was just not her day today.

“FUCK YOU TOO, YA MARSHMALLOW!” Sunset shouted at the closed door, drawing odd looks from the patrons entering and exiting the mall.

Unlatching her brake, Sunset turned and rolled away from the entrance. She’d go in a different way. It wasn’t worth it to go in that entrance and risk rolling into all five of those… people. She didn’t have the energy and she certainly didn’t have the patience or fucks needed to withstand them. Instead, she rolled towards one of the further entrances, the distance would give her time to cool down anyway.

And maybe smoke another cigarette.

Sunset decided she would definitely have to do something to afford her own at the rate she was going.

“I-it’s not always about image,” Fluttershy said, shaking her head at Rarity’s generalisations. “It could be a lot more complicated than that.”

“FUCK YOU TOO, YA MARSHMALLOW!”

Rarity and Fluttershy froze in place at the voice that had shouted at them from outside as the door shut. It was familiar. Terribly familiar.

“Fluttershy, darling,” Rarity began in a high, slightly panicked voice. “Am I imagining things or did that sound like-”

“Sunset,” the word tumbled out of Fluttershy’s mouth like a prayer.

Like lightning, the soft-spoken girl turned on her heel and tried to push her way back out the door. It took several more moments than she was comfortable with but for once she didn’t give a damn about the people she was pushing out of the way. She just bulldozed through them. Rarity was hot on her heels as Fluttershy staggered back out into the frigid winter air.

“She was sitting over there, wasn’t she?” Rarity pointed to a spot near a bin. The remains of a cigarette were sitting cold in the tray. “So where…”

“She must’ve left…” Fluttershy said sadly. “Sunset probably heard us talking.”

Rarity scowled, her hands tightened into fists hard enough that she felt the prick of her fingernails nearly drawing blood. “Heard me talking, you mean, my dear. You don’t have to sugarcoat it. I really am the worst sort of callous bitch, aren’t I darling?”

“You’re not, Rarity,” Fluttershy walked up to her friend and took Rarity’s pale white hands in her own. “You speak thoughtlessly sometimes and, yes, you should work on that, but that doesn’t make you a callous bitch.”

“Does abandoning her when she needed us most make me a bitch?”Rarity asked, a few tears streaking down her face and distorting her mascara.

Fluttershy let out a sigh and wrapped Rarity in a hug. “I’m pretty sure we were all being a bitch that day. You weren’t the one who told her she wasn’t our friend though, remember?”

Returning the hug, Rarity sobbed softly. “Fluttershy you can’t keep destroying yourself over that. You were hurt, and before Sunset became our friend she treated you the worst of all. You had every right to-”

“No,” it was only one word but Fluttershy spoke it with the force of iron that silenced whatever Rarity had been about to say. “I had no right to treat her like that. I told Sunset that I had forgiven her, and she was doing her very best to make up for her mistakes. So I had no right at all to say what I did.”

They stood there in the snow and winter wind, breathing out the sorrow that still wasn’t healing properly. “I suppose you’re right,” Rarity finally agreed. “None of us had a right to say what was said to Sunset that day after claiming to have forgiven her.”

“Let’s go in,” Fluttershy said, “maybe we’ll see her in the mall. Besides, we promised to meet the girls.”

Rarity nodded. “I’ll need to freshen up, I think, although… Fluttershy can you humor me for a moment and answer me a silly question?”

“Of course.”

“That girl, if she really was Sunset… what was she sitting on?” Rarity asked, looking back at where they’d seen her when they first approached the mall.

There was no bench nor seats of any kind, but Sunset had certainly been seated. Something about it tickled at the back of Rarity’s mind. She’d only glanced at the seated person smoking by the bin, she hadn’t really stopped to look at them. She hadn’t even realised the person was a girl.

“I… I don’t know,” Fluttershy answered a little apprehensively. “I didn’t really look at her closely.”

“Neither did I, darling,” Rarity said softly, feeling a stone settling in her gut. “I really should open my eyes a little more often, my dear.”

They turned and reentered the mall, both feeling a little uneasy at what had just occurred. Either way though, they had a date to keep. All five of them were meeting up at the mall to spend some time together. The last few days of school had been particularly rough for everyone involved and all of them agreed with Pinkie when she had proposed a mall hangout. Rarity vacillated between telling the girls about their possible near-encounter with Sunset, and Sunset’s possible presence in the mall, and not. After all, Applejack had passed on Gilda’s warning.

Leave Sunset alone.

A very straightforward instruction. Leave her alone and don’t speak to her ever again. Applejack had agreed to it at the moment, but Rarity had protested. Loudly. It had caused a bit of an argument in the cafeteria at CHS. Rarity had accused Applejack of speaking for all of them when she didn’t have the right. Just because she’d had the opportunity to apologise to Sunset, even if Sunset hadn’t been conscious at the time, didn’t mean the rest of them didn’t want to as well.

Applejack had been adamant about it, though. After what they’d done to Sunset she’d insisted that they didn’t have the right to demand anything of her. They ‘sure as shootin’ didn’t have the right to ask’er fergiveness’ as the country girl had put it. Admittedly, Rarity hadn’t been able to come up with a viable counterargument to that point, which irked her and that had left both them in a bad mood.

Now, though, she felt the urge to apologise.

Fluttershy and Rarity moved through the crowded mall with a little difficulty, before making it up to the food court where Pinkie was jealously guarding a table with five seats and Rainbow Dash was helping. Applejack seemingly materialised out of the crowd at the other end of the food court and spotted them as well.

The stout country girl frowned when she saw Rarity and they reached the table about the same moment, Applejack took off her hat and started to speak when Rarity cut her off by stepping close to Applejack and wrapping her arms around her in an unabashed hug.

“I’m sorry, Applejack,” Rarity sniffled, her face buried against Applejack’s thick plaid button-up and her voice muffled. “I’m so sorry I yelled at you in the cafeteria and I’m so sorry we fought, darling. I don’t want to fight with my friends anymore.”

Applejack opened and closed her mouth several times before dropping her hat and pulling Rarity even closer. “Aw… Sugarcube ah ain’t… dammit… ah ain’t mad at’cha, ah promise,” the words came out as a sob, and Applejack hid her face in Rarity’s violet locks, clenching her eyes shut as tears threatened to spill. “Ah was gonna apologise to ya’ll. Ah’m done with fightin’ with mah friends too, ah love all ya’ll and ah ain’t ever gonna make that mistake again.”

The other three girls closed in around them and hugged, Pinkie was practically vibrating with relief and happiness while Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash leaned against one another.

With the tension broken, the girls pulled together. There were Christmas gifts to get and fun to be had. Through it all, though, Rarity and Fluttershy were a little quieter, a little more subdued. A part of them, even though they didn’t realise it, was scanning the crowds for a familiar cascade of red and gold hair, a studded leather jacket, or the sound of a certain voice.

By the time a couple of hours had passed they had ended up back in the food court, each with their favorites in front of them as they chatted. After a few moments of conversation, Rainbow broke in.

“Hey, Flutters, you okay?” She asked, her usually raspy voice low with concern. “You’ve been, like, even quieter than usual.”

Applejack leaned in and nodded. “Yeah, come ta think’ve it, you’ve been pretty quiet too Rares. Ah mean, Fluttershy ah get, but uh… no offense here but ya’ll ain’t usually this quiet at the mall.”

Fluttershy and Rarity shared a glance that didn’t go unnoticed by the rest of the group. “Come on guys, what’s up?” Pinkie asked, leaning in next to Applejack. “I… I thought we were okie dokie again!”

“It’s not that, Pinkie, dear,” Rarity replied, shooting another look at Fluttershy who just sighed and nodded. “It’s… well, we had a bit of an encounter outside the mall. Well, not really, more an almost-encounter. Mind you, we didn’t actually see anything but-”

Rainbow Dash just gestured with her hand for her to continue and Rarity cleared her throat with a delicate cough. “A-as I was saying, when Fluttershy and I arrived at the mall, the east entrance you know, we saw someone smoking by the bin and… I may have been a bit too, ah, conspicuous with my criticisms of smoking.”

“Rares… ya’ll gotta put a lid on that motor-mouth’a yours or one day it’s gonna write a check yer ass can’t cash,” Applejack noted dryly, earning a dirty look from Rarity and a guffaw from Rainbow Dash.

Fluttershy put a hand on Rarity’s arm. “The thing is, they yelled at her as we got into the mall. They called her a marshmallow.”

Four of them winced as Rainbow Dash cracked up loudly, laughing her ass off next to the table while Fluttershy’s grip on her prismatic friend’s shoulder kept the athletic girl from toppling over.

“Oh man, that’s friggin’ hilarious,” Rainbow said as she finally mastered herself, then her mirth turned into confusion. “Wait… marshmallow? Nobody calls you that except us.”

Rarity’s scowl turned into a sad expression. “That’s not true, darling, remember? There’s one other person that’s called me that before.”

Three pairs of eyes go wide at the table.

“No way,” Pinkie whispered. “S-Sunny is here? At the mall?! RIGHT NOW?!” Every other word brought Pinkie forward until she was practically crawling onto the table. “We gotta find her!”

“No,” Applejack’s voice cut in like a blade. “No, we don’t.” Her words brought the mood of the table back down, and Applejack sighed heavily. “Look, ah know ya’ll don’t necessarily agree with me, but ah made Gilda a promise. She promised she’d look after Sunset, ah promised we’d stay outta the way of it all. We’ve done enough harm, we don’t need to give’er more grief.”

“But… but…” Pinkie looked devastated and Applejack reached over and pulled her into a hug. “I just wanna make her smile again… I miss her smile.”

“Yeah, Pinkie,” Applejack agreed. “Ah miss it too.”

Their meal was finished in relative silence, and when they got up they milled about aimlessly for a bit, trying to find something to distract them from the thought of the girl they’d abandoned. They ended up in one of the further corners of the mall heading towards the arcades when Rainbow perked up.

“Hey, you girls hear that?” Rainbow said, scanning around.

Rarity strained her ears and picked out the sounds a steady beat and an almost discordant plucking of strings in a melancholic harmony. “What… oh, it’s probably one of the buskers, what about it, darling?”

“I dunno, it’s sounds… different,” Rainbow started drifting towards the music and the other four trailed behind her.

The approached the small crowd that had gathered around the music, it was much larger than the usual. They were all gathered around a small corner where someone was beating out a complicated, hand-made percussion against wood complemented by the thrum of new strings

The sound was a rich, thundering beat matched with harsh strings and that was when the voice broke in. It was harsh, grating, throaty, and familiar. The voice sang out, rich with emotion. With pain and loneliness. The song was as beautiful as it was grating and painful. Sunset’s voice cracked and broke through the words but it somehow only added to the nature of the song. Every word felt like it was spat out bitterly… angrily.

Rainbow Dash felt her throat clench, Fluttershy and Rarity’s hands both flew up to their mouths, while Pinkie let out a soft whimper that was drowned out by the music. Applejack just stared, her face hardened and her eyes wide. Sunset was sitting at the corner, beating out the song almost violently, as she sang her heart out in her wheelchair.

"I-Is that..." Rainbow trailed off as she stared at the wheelchair. "That... that's temporary, right, AJ?" Rainbow whispered, turning to the farmgirl who had pulled her hat down over her eyes. "A-AJ? C-C'mon..."

"Ah don't know ah can rightly say, sugarcube," Applejack said in a choked voice. "But she was looked damn near dead when I saw'er at the hospital so..."

"Oh God, no," Fluttershy muttered, her voice a pale whisper that put even her normally soft tones to shame.

Every stanza of the song she was singing was a hammer blow that Sunset laid into her own pain as she beat the fire into word and song, and the girls felt every single blow. Sunset didn’t open her eyes throughout the song, singing each verse with her eyes closed and muscles clenched. At times her voice towered to shouts that were melodic and brutal, they sounded like they were tearing their way out of her throat, only to trail down to a deep, harmonic drawl. Sunset’s hair hung lank and heavy with sweat over her face, trailing above her fret-board as she played almost feverishly. There was something manic in her that was clawing its way out with every word and there wasn’t a single member of the slowly growing audience that wasn’t watching in rapt fascination. She sang out the chorus again, her voice just daring the world to come at her, swearing to die standing and be buried the same way.

Suddenly, as the last words of the chorus faded out, her playing slowed and trailed into chord rich with melancholy.

The song struck to the heart of all five girls who watched from the middle of the crowd and Rarity felt her mascara running again, she reached out for someone, anyone, and found Applejack’s hand and gripped it hard. Turning away from Sunset, Rarity buried her face in Applejack’s arm. “I’m sorry darling, I’m a coward but I can’t watch her anymore.”

“Ssh, s’okay, sugarcube, ah gotcha,” Applejack said softly, pulling Rarity close and rocking her gently as Sunset trailed back into the chorus, her voice low and calm as if the violence and brutality of the song had taken something fundamental out of her.

Sunset beat out the final rhythms of percussion with care and precision against the well of her guitar, her eyes softly opening and tears streaming out of them to mix with the sweat of her hair and skin. She continued to pluck away at the strings for another minute or so, as the five girls pulled away from the crowd before she could spot them. There wasn’t a dry eye among any of the five of them, and Rarity still clung desperately to Applejack. She looked as if she would fall over at any time. Pinkie’s hair hung straight and washed out, and Rainbow had an arm around her, pulling the sniffling girl close and giving what comfort she was able while trying not to cry herself.

Fluttershy looked either the best or the worst depending on how well the person looking knew her. On the surface, she seemed calm, but Rainbow could see it wasn’t calm at all. It was shock. Fluttershy was walking like she was in a daze.

Surprisingly, she was also the first one to speak. “I… I’m sorry, I have to go!” Fluttershy turned on her heel and sprinted away from the rest of the five, Rainbow made to chase but Applejack stopped her with a hand on her shoulder.

“Let’r go, Dashie,” Applejack said softly, “she’ll talk when she’s ready, a’right? We can follow in a bit, but we gotta give’r a little space for a mo’, okay?”

“Y-yeah…” Rainbow dropped her hand that was still extended in the direction of her fleeing friend. “Yeah, I know… dammit…”

Sunset rolled out of the mall, taking a gulp of water from the bottle she’d picked up on her way out. Her voice was raw and cracked from the song she’d just sang and her soul felt just about as sore. That one always got her, especially after the Anon-A-Miss fiasco. She loved it but… it was so emotional. It was tied to so many emotions that she didn’t necessarily know how to feel.

Helden and Penny had come to watch her play through a few songs, cheering and clapping as she performed. Their friends had been nice, a little critical but her music had shut them right the hell up. That had genuinely made Sunset smile, it was a little vindictive but she’d take what she could get. More importantly, she’d actually made money today! She’d laid her guitar case in front of her mostly out of convenience, there wasn’t really anywhere else for her to put it that she could easily access it given her legs. When she’d finished she’d found a tidy number of coins and bills had been tossed into the case by passersby and listeners.

It was getting past two in the afternoon and Gilda would be off her shift in a couple of hours. If she could make even a little money busking it would be helpful and she was looking forward to talking to Gilda about it.

Before that though… Sunset wheeled herself to a tucked away corner, a small wall of hedges that crisscrossed each other, and polished off her water, coughing a little as she swallowed before pulling out a cigarette and lighting it.

“S-sorry, but can I bum a light?” A soft familiar voice asked from the other corner of the hedge adjacent to Sunset.

Fluttershy. It was Fluttershy’s voice.

Not wanting to get into a conversation or draw attention, Sunset scrabbled for her matches and tossed them over as she pulled her beanie lower, making sure her hair was fully tucked away and her coat was properly fluffed up to conceal as much of her as possible.

Fluttershy picked up the box and pulled out a match, sticking a cigarette in her own mouth and lighting it before tossing the matchbox back. “Thanks… I didn’t think I’d have one today since I’m with my friends and… and they don’t know… so I didn’t bring my lighter… so thanks.”

Sunset gave a noncommittal grunt of assent and went back to smoking. This was by far the most stressful cigarette she’d ever had. Still, she had to say, of all the girls she never pegged Fluttershy as being a smoker.

A soft sob sounded from around the corner, drawing Sunset’s eye. She risked turning her head just slightly. Fluttershy was curled up on the raised brick ridge dividing the hedge from the sidewalk her knees tucked up and her face buried in them, her waterfall of pink hair draped over her head and legs. One hand was held out, the cigarette hanging lazily from her fingers.

As she lifted her head, Sunset saw the tears tracking down Fluttershy’s cheeks. Her shaking hand brought the cigarette to her lips and she took a drag, let out an equally shaky breath, and then buried her face again and lets out another sob.

“M’sorry, ignore me,” Fluttershy said in a muffled voice. “I just saw an old friend of mine who was really badly hurt. She hates me too and it’s all my fault, I’m one of the ones that hurt her the worst. I’m… I’m not dealing with it too well so… sorry if I’m ruining anything.”

Sunset felt a pang of hurt and panic in her heart. They’d seen her playing. They knew she was at the mall. It was definitely time to leave.

“S’okay,” Sunset replied in a gruff, cracked voice that took little effort. Her voice was pretty shot after that song anyway.

“She’s in a wheelchair now, I guess,” Fluttershy continued, as she raised her head and took another drag, tears dropping onto her knees. “I didn’t know it was that bad. I knew she got hurt but… but I thought she got better.”

What could she say? What was Sunset supposed to say? Sometimes people don’t get better. Sometimes when bad shit happens it happens permanently. Sometimes shit has consequences and you just have to suck it up and live with it. But really, what was she supposed to say.

“S-sorry if I’m rambling,” Fluttershy whimpered. “I was having a good day until… I keep thinking back to the terrible things I said to her. I was hurt and angry but… I didn’t mean it… I swear I didn’t.”

Did it even matter if she meant it? Fluttershy had said it. That’s what was important. Sunset grimaced, taking another drag. ‘You’re not our friend’ Sunset could still hear the stinging voice in her ears, ‘you never were!’

They were words that Sunset still heard in her nightmares, what few that got through the warm embrace she enjoyed every night, thankfully. She still heard them, echoing around in her head. Especially those last three.

You never were.

‘Then what was I, Fluttershy?’ Sunset thought bitterly as she blew out another stream of smoke. ‘What even was I if I was never your friend?’

“I’m sorry,” Fluttershy choked the words out. “I’m so sorry…”

Sunset bit her lip. Not yet… maybe one day she’d be ready but… not yet. It was in her to talk to them, to any of them, yet. Especially not Fluttershy. Sunset tasted blood. She’d bitten straight through, hissing in pain, she put her cigarette out on the metal bar of her wheelchair, swept up the matchbox from the ridge where had been sitting and tucked them away before unlatching her brake and leaving.

‘Sorry, Fluttershy,’ Sunset thought morosely. ‘But I can’t forgive you yet, I can't forgive any of you yet… I can barely go outside without panicking. I feel like I can’t trust anyone but Gilda… I can’t… I just can’t.’

Sunset felt tears trail down her own face as Fluttershy sobbed behind her. She went the long way around to the bus hub, rolling as fast as she dared without risking tipping herself over or going out of control.

She wanted to go home. She really, really wanted to go home.

She wanted Gilda.

Today was enough. It would have to be enough. One step at a time, Sunny, one step at a time. You can’t teleport before you can blink. She would keep working on it. Sunset knew she still needed Gilda to stay stable, to stay grounded. That was okay if it just for a little while. Just for now. She would have to be her own woman again one day but…

Not today.

Today she was going home to Gilda because she couldn’t do it on her own yet.

So… just for now.

Gilda pulled herself out from under the engine block of an old pickup that’d been brought in with a snapped belt and a bad alternator. A rough patch up, for sure, not much she could do about the latter, but the belt was an easy fix. Gearshift was working on the Alternator, he apparently had a knack for getting the old ones running again against all odds.

It was a good thing too, fixing it meant the difference of about a couple hundred bucks for the client. Most everyone in the Commons knew that the brothers at the Ponyville Auto Repair were borderline miracle workers when it came to resurrecting old beaters, and Gilda was looking forward to picking up some of the secrets of their craft.

There was nothing small-scale left to do until tomorrow, so Gilda wiped herself down and stood up from the vehicle, giving Gearshift a thumbs up as she stretched her cramped limbs and headed over to the washbasin. It was tough work, fitting someone as big as her under a vehicle, and it was far from graceful, but Gilda had the muscle to get the old school cars growling again. It was a lot of gripping and turning, and good old-fashioned elbow grease, but she had that in spades.

“Ey, Grifa, you off?” Crank Shaft came around the corner into the garage, wearing his usual wide smile.

Gilda returned the grin and nodded. “Yeah, Crank, not much to do until we can reinstall the alternator in that piece’a shit I just crawled out of.”

“Goin’ back home to ya cariña, yeah?”

Instead of blushing as she had been lately, Gilda’s smiled turned warmer and lighter. “Yeah, I am, sappy shit, innit Crank?”

The older mechanic shook his head, walking up to pat Gilda on the back. “Nah, it ain’t sappy, chica. You got somethin’ worth fightin’ for now. Me’n Gear knew that’s all it’d take to get ya movin’, you’ve got la fuega, la pasión.”

“I do, huh?” Gilda answered with a wry grin, drying her hands off on the towel as she walked into the small adjoining room to change out of her jumpsuit. “What the hell’s my ‘la pasión’ supposed t’be?”

She shut the door in Crank’s face, and he chuckled, leaning his back against it as Gilda changed on the other side. He pondered for a few minutes before nodding to himself.

“You ever get that feelin’, Grifa?” Crank started. “That feelin’ like you got something you gotta to do today? Can’t do it tomorrow, tomorrow’s too late, and ‘sides, ya gotta do the same thing tomorrow anyway. It doesn’t burn, it’s…”

“Warm,” Gilda said softly from the other side of the door, she was leaning against the locker, halfway through pulling on her shirt and belting her pants. “Feels warm… but… s’like it could go out so easily.”

Crankshaft nodded. “Si, yeah, so y’gotta keep the fire goin’. So long as the fire’s goin’ it’ll keep ya warm no matter how hard’n cold the nights get, yeah? Cuz you got la pasión and it’s the reason ya got any reason at all t’do anythin’ and everythin’, ya feel?.”

Gilda finished pulling on her shirt, giving her belt a good tug to make sure it was secure, then threw on her jacket. Pulling her phone out of her pocket she looked down at the picture she’d saved. A picture she looked at a lot lately. Anytime she had a free second, actually. Gilda had sent herself a copy when she’d sent it out to the person she’d promised it to.

It was a picture of a certain beautiful redhead, tired and worn out-looking, lying in Gilda’s arms with an exhausted smile in a hospital bed, Gilda was kissing her cheek and smiling too. They were both so tired. She could still feel the itching pain of the bandages that had been on her legs, they still hurt even now, if she was being honest. They hadn’t fully healed, or the damage had left her legs weaker. Either way, it didn’t matter.

In the picture, they were both smiling. Happy and tired, because they’d survived.

It hurt.

Warm tears tracked their way down Gilda’s cheeks as she stared at Sunset’s smiling face in the picture. She wasn’t even sad or happy, or… anything specific. If there was a feeling to feel at all Gilda could only say that it hurt. It hurt, it felt good and bad at the same time; like her heart was swelling and cracking under the strain. It felt fucking terrible. It was shit and all she could do was… feel it. Yet, looking down at that picture, Gilda knew without a question that she’d work herself to the bone for that smile. She’d wake up every morning with the sun and go to work and then work til the sun was gone again and then do it again the next day. And the next, and the next, and the next. The thought of it was exhausting and terrifying… and incredible and energizing.

And Gilda loved it.

She loved Sunset so much.

“Yeah,” Gilda finally said after several moments of silence, tucking her phone away and adjusting her bomber jacket. “Yeah, I feel it, Crank.”

Wiping the tears from her eyes, Gilda took a breath and shut the locker. Crankshaft greeted her with an easy smile as she came out of the locker, slapping a hand on her shoulder.

“Alright, Grifa,” Crank said, jerking a thumb towards the exit. “Get back to your cariña, G, and give’r our love, yeah?”

Gilda nodded. “Yeah, will do, Crank, thanks.”

The winters of Canterlot were bitterly cold, as always, and as Gilda wandered out into the streets that led back to her and Sunset’s flat she marveled at how her girlfriend could’ve survived even one of them homeless, much less however many she actually had to suffer through. It was a harsh truth that the homeless either found shelter or… well, they didn’t last long. Canterlot winters were brutal even if you had a roof over your head.

The snow crunched under her feet, her steel-toed tread biting into the sleet and ice-slick surface of the sidewalk. Flurries of snow fell around her, disappearing as easily into Gilda’s stark white hair as they did into the snowdrifts around her.

Today had been the second day of Gilda’s first real job. Well, her first real, legitimate and tax-paying job, anyway.

“Look ma’, I’m a real girl now,” Gilda muttered to herself softly.

As the parking lot of her flat came into sight, Gilda couldn’t help a smile crawling over her face. Sunset was home, she’d gotten a text not long ago. She had spent the entire day thinking about Sunset, wondering how she was doing, how the trip to the mall had gone.

She was worried, though.

Worried that Sunset had bitten off more than she could chew again. She did that a lot, as Gilda was coming to find out. Swinging for the fences was kind of her thing, even if it meant dislocating her shoulder in the process. Gilda wasn’t sure how she felt about that.

On the one hand, it terrified her. On the other… Gilda loved it.

No matter what life threw at Sunset, the girl remained fearless, driven, and absolutely unbroken. Hurt, sometimes, sure… but never broken. At least, not while Gilda had anything to say about it.

Fitting the key into the lock, Gilda turned the latch and stepped into the room, it was dark, and the blinds were drawn tight against the glare of the early afternoon sun on the snowy sidewalks. There was a lump in the bed, buried in the covers on the side Gilda normally slept on, and Sunset’s wheelchair was parked by the bed.

‘Huh, maybe she’s takin’ a nap?’ Gilda thought as she silently took her jacket off and hung it from the rack by the door as quietly as possible.

As she was setting her key ring on the small kitchen table, Gilda noticed a pile of mismatched bills and change. Eyeing it curiously, she sifted through it, it definitely wasn’t hers. Was it… ‘Shit, there're almost fifty bucks in here.’

“Gilda?” Sunset’s soft, cracked voice instantly snapped Gilda’s attention to the bed as Sunset unburied herself from the pile of covers. She was hugging a pillow, Gilda’s pillow, and her hair was a rats nest. Her eyes were puffy and red, and her cheeks were tracked with dried tears.

Gilda was at her side in the space of a breath, kicking her boots off and half-falling onto the bed, as she reached out and pulled Sunset into her warm, if sweaty, embrace.

“H-hey, babe,” Gilda said as Sunset silently buried her face in Gilda’s shoulder a curled around her. “What’s wrong? You don’t look so good.”

Sunset just nodded wordlessly and continued to take deep, heavy breaths her arms gripped around Gilda’s torso tightly so tightly that her fingertips were digging into Gilda’s shoulders. Not knowing what else to say, Gilda just held Sunset and waited. Sunset would talk, she always did, but right now Gilda got the feeling she just needed to be held.

Moving a little closer in, onto the bed and alongside Sunset, Gilda slowly started petting her hair. They were gentle, easy motions, made familiar by consistent practice. ‘S’funny’, Gilda thought, ‘I think I’m almost getting good at this.’

It was as hard to see Sunset vulnerable and hurting now as it had been that day in the CHS hallways when she’d been reduced to a crying mess by her locker. Gilda had felt sick to her stomach. She’d felt like someone had just gut-checked her and she didn’t know why. It felt the same way now except this time Gilda knew exactly where those feelings were coming from.

Gilda loved Sunset Shimmer. She’d been crushing on her for… probably a year or two. Without realising it, of course. It was always ‘respect’ or ‘admiration’ or something else. Some other word.

Now, though? Now Gilda had Sunset in her arms, holding her up as the fiery redhead tried, day-by-day, to put herself back together. This time seemed especially bad because Sunset laid silently in Gilda’s arms for what felt like an hour before finally speaking up.

“I ran into the girls at the mall today,” Sunset said, in a voice that was raw with tears, and Gilda’s entire body tensed.

Snarling, Gilda let out a shaky breath as she tried to keep a rein on her temper. “Dammit, I told the Rainbrats not t’bother ya, Sunshine. I’ll hafta have a talk with-”

Sunset shook her head. “S-sorry, I didn’t mean I… I talked to them or anything. I didn’t even see most of them. But I know they were there. They must’ve seen me busking near the Arcades.”

“Busking? That where the cash came from?” Gilda asked, relaxing a little as Sunset reassured her. “And if ya didn’t se’m what’d ya mean ya ran into’m?”

Pulling away from Gilda a little so that she was sitting in the larger girl’s lap and leaning on her shoulder, Sunset, nuzzled against Gilda’s warmth, relishing the closeness and the feeling of safety Gilda exuded. Tilting her head up, Sunset stared up at Gilda who blushed slightly at the sudden intimate stare but smiled. Sunset returned the smile and tilted her head up a little more.

‘’Right, that’s what she wants’ Gilda thought, with a grin. Answering Sunset’s silent request, Gilda leaned down and kissed her softly, and she felt Sunset melt a little more in her arms. Pulling back, Sunset settled back down and reclined against Gilda.

“After I played, I went outside to smoke near one of the hedges… I’d just lit my cigarette when Fluttershy came out and sat right around the corner from me,” Sunset explained, after a moment of consideration. “She knew I was there, and asked me for a light, I… think she knew it was me. She never looked at me directly, or addressed me by name or anything… but I’m positive she knew.”

“Sorry, Sunflower,” Gilda said, wrapping her arms around Sunset’s midriff. “I shoulda gone with ya, or asked ya ta wait or…”

Sunset shook her head. “That’s not it… Fluttershy is the one person… she’s the only one I think had every right to drop me like she did.”

A growl grew in Gilda’s throat. “Hey, nobody, no-how, had any fuckin’ right to drop ya like they did, Sunshine!” Gilda said, her voice rising in agitation. Sunset didn’t rise to it, instead she brought up a hand to stroke under Gilda’s jaw and bring her back down. “S-sorry, I just… why th’fuck’d you say she had a right ta do that?”

“Because I treated her worse than anyone in that school, Gil,” Sunset said, her voice cracking a little. “Because it was easy, and because I was bitch.”

Letting out a cracked sob, Sunset dug her heels into her eyes again, trying to push away the tears Gilda started to reply but Sunset cut her off. “Sunset Shimmer having a bad day? Kick around Fluttershy. Flash getting on my nerves? Bully Fluttershy. Didn’t get my way in class? Hey, there’s always fucking with Fluttershy!”

Gilda didn’t really know what to say to that. Fluttershy was kind of a doormat, it was true. The only reason Gilda had never gone after her was that Fluttershy never had anything that Gilda had wanted. Fluttershy had always gotten on Gilda’s nerves with how soft-spoken and demure and just… weak, she’d always seemed. It’d been easy to not only ignore the quiet girl, but to forget she was even there. Sunset though… back in her good old bad days Sunset had despised weakness.

“I barely gave her any peace,” Sunset continued, morosely. “I slapped her around, I stole her school supplies, her backpack, and her lunch money. I was so fucking horrible to her. I hated her for being such a goddamn weakling, I wanted her to fight back, to say something, do something, but… but… she wouldn’t stand up to me.”

“You liked’er, huh?” Gilda responded in a soft tone, and she felt Sunset freeze in her arms like she was suddenly tensed from her neck down. Sunset’s breathing starting getting ragged and a clench of fear gripped Gilda’s heart. “S-sunny?”

“What did you say?” Sunset asked in a deathly quiet voice, her eyes drifting up to meet Gilda’s golden orbs and Gilda felt like she was standing on the edge of a precipice.

Swallowing hard, she took the leap. “I… I said… you liked’er. Fluttershy. You liked’er. Like, I liked you for a long time. You wanted’er to push back, to show some spine.”

Sunset worked her jaw wordlessly for a moment before responding. “W-what kind of horrific bitch torments the girl she likes? That’s… that’s fucking insane.”

“Nah, that’s high school,” Gilda said somberly. “We’re fucked up, Sunshine, you’n me both; we’ve lost a lot, we got hurt a lot, we fucked up a lot. It’s kinda part’a us now, savvy? My old boss pointed it out ta me early, so I just… gave up on people. Figured if I couldn’t be around people like a normal person I’d just be me. Chase everyone away and no one gets hurt, savvy?”

“But I didn’t… I wouldn’t…” Sunset started and stopped, trying to work through her feelings. “I… Fluttershy was just… an easy target.”

“C’mon Sunflower, she wasn’t the only one,” Gilda retorted, jabbing another prod into Sunset’s argument all while hating herself for prying open the old wound. Gilda could feel it though, Sunset needed to face this. “Plenty’a fuckin’ weak-ass wallflowers in high school. So why’d ya pick Flutters?”

“I…” Why had she picked on Fluttershy? She’d already torn the little friend group apart. After the ‘Silent Auction’ debacle, the deed was done. Sunset could have just left well enough alone and turned her energy and attention elsewhere. In fact, it would’ve made way more sense for her to do exactly that, rather than risk Fluttershy reporting her bullying to the staff.

Instead though…

“Oh… fuck…” Sunset sobbed out, burying her face in her hands.

Sunset remembered thinking certain thoughts that stood out only now that she was reflecting on them. She remembered thinking a lot of things about Fluttershy. Things that were frustrating and made Sunset unreasonably angry. Like how Fluttershy was… everything Sunset wasn’t. How she was everything Sunset couldn’t be. Things like how Fluttershy was kind and gentle. Beautiful inside and out. It wasn’t fair that she got to be that nice and that pretty and that cute and that… wonderful. There was nothing wrong with her except… except that she was weak.

She was weak and soft. So… goddamn soft.

“I’m fucking sick,” Sunset choked the words out, curling her arms around herself. “I’m a fucking monster. How the fuck did anyone ever forgive me of anything?”

There wasn’t an answer Gilda could give to that. She didn’t know, she was never a target of Sunset’s reign of terror. She was probably one of the ones who stood apart from it, in fact.

“How can… anyone love something like me?” Sunset croaked.

She was starting to pull away and Gilda scowled, she tried to pull back but Sunset swatted at her arm and continued trying to get away, this time more forcefully.

“H-hey, what gives?” Gilda scowled, as Sunset rolled away from her, curling in on herself. “C’mon, Sunshine, the fuck ya doin'?”

“I don’t deserve you,” Sunset muttered, her face turned away from Gilda. “Just… I don’t. I can’t,” Gilda felt a jab to her heart at those words. She wasn’t saying… “Not after everything I did, to the girls, to Fluttershy. I ruined so much of their time in high school. I almost destroyed their friendships completely and I don’t think it really hit me til right now. I deserve to be left in the cold; broken and alone.”

“W-what?”

Gilda got off the bed, staring down at Sunset and feeling a cold sweat go down her back. This was not going the way she’d wanted it to. She’d wanted Sunset to face her problems. To face her past. Not… not this.

“ I just… I’m sorry, Gilda, but I should leave,” Sunset started to get up, her eyes emotionless and distant. “I’m sorry I wasted so much of your time, but I don’t belong here, I don’t deserve any of this, I certainly don’t deserve you. I deserved what I got in that alley and what the girls did in the hall and that’s… that’s the end of it.” Sunset started to reach for the handle that would pull her onto her wheelchair.

“Woah, no way,” Gilda grabbed the wheelchair, not bothering to unlatch the brakes she lifted the entire thing up and away from the bed, drawing a furious look from Sunset.

:”Gilda, give me back my fucking chair,” her words were harsh and choked and angry, they were thick with unspent tears. “I’m leaving. I’m… not going to let myself just get away with the bullshit I pulled for three fucking years.”

‘Shit! Shit shit shit shit,’ Gilda’s brain was grinding its gears. She couldn’t just… grab Sunset and stop her. That was… could she? ‘FUCK!’

“Gilda, I swear to Celestia, if you don’t give me my fucking chair back…” Sunset crawled across the bed, dragging her useless legs. “You know what? Fuck it! I’ll just crawl into the fucking snow then!” Stepping forward, Gilda reached out but Sunset took a swipe at her hand. “Don’t fucking touch me!”

Her shout was like a knife to Gilda’s gut and she staggered back. So… so this was it? Just let her go? Go where? Back to Equestria? Never see her again? Sunset was asking Gilda to just… leave her to whatever? Sunset reached the edge of the bed, pulling her legs free of the tangle of covers, angrily pulling each leg loose and setting them dangling over the bed. Taking another blind swipe with her arm to keep Gilda away.

Tears started to track down Gilda’s cheeks as she stepped back and away from Sunset. Her hand to came to rest on the backrest of the wheelchair she’d taken from Sunset’s reach. She was about to push it closer, she didn’t want Sunset going through with her promise to crawl out into the snow. But… but…

‘Gilda? Can you do me a favor?’

“Sunshine,” Gilda’s voice came out broken, her tone made the look of anger on Sunset’s features soften, “please… please don’t go away.”

‘Right now, while you’re here with me, and holding me, and I’m feeling halfway sane, can I ask you to promise that you’ll never let me push you away?’

“I know everything is shit right now,” Gilda croaked out, her raspy voice thickening with fear and sorrow. “But please, please don’t leave me,” stepping forward, carefully, slowly, Gilda got to her knees so she could look Sunset dead in the eyes. “I ain’t fuckin’ around here, you’re my whole goddamn world right now, okay? I… know that’s fuckin’ dramatic, but, around you I feel like I’m finally breathin’, I’m not just waitin’ for something to happen, savvy?”

Reaching out, Gilda took hold of Sunset’s hands. For a moment, she thought Sunset would pull away again and, briefly, Sunset considered it, but in the end, she let it happen. Let Gilda’s wide, warm hands envelop her own.

“S-so, look, I’m pretty bad at this emotional shit, okay?” Gilda continued, trying to keep a leash on her tears and failing badly. “But I love you more than anything in the world. I spent all day today thinkin’ about sappy shit like how pretty you are, and how much I was lookin’ forward t’comin’ home and seein’ you and, fuck, just talkin’ to you, and hearin’ you talk to me. It’s all I was thinkin’ about, okay?”

Sunset swallowed hard and opened her mouth to respond, but she couldn’t find any words. So instead she just closed her mouth and nodded. Letting out a slow breath, Gilda, reached up and stroked Sunset’s cheek, and Sunset leaned slightly into Gilda’s touch.

“Yeah, what you used to do was pretty fucked up,” Gilda said. “No joke, it was pretty shit, savvy? I admired your gung-ho take-no-prisoners attitude because I was kind of a shithead too. But you asked me to never let you go, you asked me t’never letcha push me away. And you promised me that you’d never give up on me so long as I never gave up on you.”

Looping her hand around to the back of Sunset’s head, Gilda let her fingers tangle into Sunset’s red and gold hair as she drew her down into a fiery, passionate kiss. It tasted warm and salty with spent tears, and for the first breath, Sunset froze, unsure if she was still pulling away or moving forward. She felt lost and confused. She felt hurt and sick and terrified. She felt…

Loved.

Sunset kissed back, opening her mouth slightly, meeting the curve of Gilda’s lips and pressing hungrily into her girlfriend's inviting arms. Tears kept falling, from both of them. Tears of pain, and sorrow, and relief. Sunset trailed her hands everywhere she could reach, desperately trying to remind herself that Gilda was here and real and holding her and in love with her. Gilda held herself as solidly as she could, letting Sunset cling to her and kiss her and touch her. To be as close as Sunset needed her to be. To be as close to Sunset at that moment that she needed to be.

“See?” Gilda said, breathlessly as she pulled away, staring into Sunset’s beautiful, mesmerising eyes. “I ain’t givin’ up on you, Sunshine, so… what’s it gonna be? You gonna wuss out on our promise? On me?”

Biting her lip and letting out a strangled whimper, Sunset shook her head.

“No,” Sunset said in a small, choked voice. “I’m not… I’m sorry, Gil. I’m so, so sorry. I didn’t mean any of it. I swear I didn’t mean it. I can’t leave you… I… I hate myself so much but, I love you so much more.”

Now it was Gilda’s turn to let out a sob, this one of relief as she darted in and wrapped Sunset in a crushing hug. “Thank god, fuckin’... shit I thought… It’s okay, babe, I know. I know you didn’t, but I was so fuckin’ scared.”

“I’m sorry,” Sunset repeated, burying her face in Gilda’s shoulder. “I’m so sorry, thank you… I don’t want to leave. I don’t ever want to leave you, Gil. You’re the best part of me right now, thank you for keeping your promise. I… I can’t promise I won’t fuck up and fall apart again but…”

“Ssh,” Gilda hushed Sunset softly, pulling herself and her girlfriend into bed and laying down, curling her larger body around Sunset protectively. “It doesn’t matter, I don’t fuckin’ care. I’ll fight tooth and nail each and every time to keep you, Sunflower. I swear’ta god, I won’t let you go, okay? However long it takes, even if it takes forever, I don’t care. You’re worth it.”

Sunset nodded, clinging hard and letting out a few wracked sobs. “Thank you,” she whispered, taking several deep shuddering breaths. “Thank you…”

She didn’t know if she believed Gilda but… Sunset believed that Gilda believed it. That would have to be enough for that. That Gilda thought she was worth it.