After heading to bed with Maud for some sleep, we decided to talk and get to know each other a little better since we were both interested in taking it slow for the time being, intimacy and other such matters being on the backburners for the moment. Maud told me about her life on a rock farm, which was actually just an above-ground quarry that had minerals and less valuable gems popping out of the soil beneath the top layer due to a certain kind of Aetherial Magic that pushed them from catacombs beneath the land. Her family wasn’t rich by any means and life on that farm had been tough and largely boring until Maud learned the differences between different types of granite, which sparked her interest in rocks in the first place. She’d been fascinated by the minute differences that turned each rock into different types of the same stone, and I couldn’t help but find her interest… Well, interesting. It was something so pointless that I couldn't wrap my mind around it, but since it was coming from Maud, it felt like she was preaching Furladra’s Laws to me, just like Desmond and Vex had back when I’d originally joined the Thieves Guild at the tender age of eleven.

I didn’t tell Maud about my childhood in Terabithia, the orphanage in Malic that I’d grown up in, because it was fucking depressing. I’d never known my parents, and I’d been booted out on my tenth birthday because thems was the rules back in Avalesce. By the age of ten, you were expected to find an apprenticeship with someone or find some kind of work in a factory, but I’d had a lot of friends die in factories or come out missing limbs since kids got the dangerous jobs. There were more of us than there were people over the age of twenty since Maric was a regular Hælhole that would catch your life if you weren’t careful, so yeah, kids got the most dangerous tasks and often paid the price for it. I was too smart to fall into the traps at the factories, and there was no way that I would have chosen to sell my arse to some skeevy Priest or Noble for a place to sleep, so I explained to Maud that my only real choices after leaving Terabithia were to become a young Fancylad and hope that Aria wouldn’t take after me, or join the Thieves Guild so I’d actually have a hope of making the money necessary to get her medicine.

My lover was shocked to find that there was an actual Guild for thieves, and she voiced her confusion by asking, “For what purpose would thieves band together?”

“Why wouldn’t we? There’s safety in numbers, you know.” I answered sleepily. Her lecture on her life had lulled me to a calmed state that made me more than a little drowsy, and talking about my own life was tedious. If she wanted a story I'd give it to her, but still. There are things I would have rather been doing, like napping.

“There may be safety in numbers, but it is a well known fact that there is no honor among thieves.” She stated.

“Tch. When you’re not guilded up, there isn’t. When you’re in the Guild, you don’t have a choice but to play by the rules.” I yawned.

“There were rules? For thieves?”

“Furladra’s Laws.”

“That means nothing to me.”

“One of Furladra’s aspects is that she’s the Goddess of Thieves, though she also watches over travelers and merchants. The Merchants Guild had their own Edict, but I couldn’t tell the specifics to you since I don’t know them that well.”

“What were the Thieves’ Laws?” Maud asked, stroking my nose with a finger to keep me awake.

I took a deep breath. “Steal not from thine brother, lest ye hand be rent. Steal not from the protected, lest thine legs be rent. Steal not from Amelemme, lest ye heart be rent. Steal not from Gustada, lest ye eyes be rent. Steal not from Dissida, lest ye bowels be rent Steal not from the Brotherhood, lest ye life be forfeit. Steal not from Furladra, lest ye wish to be bereft of all that she may take in turn, for thy life beith hers, thine hands beith hers, and thine takings owed to her. Steal not from Furladra, lest ye be of addled mind and suicidal of heart.”

“Who would be one of the protected?”

“Children and people who pay the tax. Robbing an orphanage will get you killed by just about anyone, and robbing one of the Thieves Guild’s Fund-Finders either gets you put in gaol or adds a hit to your head, courtesy of the fuckers who don’t miss a shot. I fucked up and made a Fund-Finder a mark by accident and that was my trip to gaol. Only reason I got out is because I took the swag to the Thieves Guild to fence it instead of hocking it myself. If I’d actually gotten any of it sold, that would’ve been my arse.”

“I see. Who is Amelemme?”

“Goddess of Love. Robbing one of her temples is bad luck and pushes your Fate up.”

“Hmm. What are these Gods and Goddesses you speak of?”

“Beings beyond mortal understanding. Some people say that they may or may not even exist, but it never hurts to be safe.” I yawned again, blinking slowly. I knew Furladra existed since she'd healed my Varas brand in a few days and her Guild Green light had accepted dozens if not hundreds of my offerings. The other ones? Well, if she and her daughter were around, then why wouldn't they be the same?

Maud rubbed my arm. “Interesting. Who is Gustada?”

“God of Scholars, Seekers, and The Enlightened. The Seekers are pretty jus’ some fuckin’ Witch Hunters who go off of hearsay, and the Enlightened are a bunch of addicts who smoke too much Helix Root and scribble their thoughts down like they actually matter.”

“What is Helix Root?”

“Highly addictive and not worth its weight in cow shit, is what it is. Seen a lot of thieves get hooked and end up dying because of withdrawals, not being able to pay the dealer for a front, or overdosing by chasing the high. Shit’s literal poison, so it’s a gamble on whether or not even a pipeful will kill ya.”

“If it is so dangerous, why would anyone smoke it in the first place?”

“Nothing better to do. Looking for an escape. Looking to forget. Looking to die happy. It’s a more effective stimulant than the shit Chemmers have been cooking up, even with decades of people trying to find something to get people to stop doing Helix, so a few people just smoke a lot in one go and kill themselves to avoid a lot of different things. My best friend of twenty-two years ate an entire half-foot Helix Root after he had me help him with a big score so he could escape the Brotherhood.” Guy was dead before ten minutes passed, but the smile on his face... At least he died happy

“I am sorry to hear that.”

“Don’t be. Jackass robbed ‘em against my better judgement. He got what he deserved, so be glad he didn’t get caught by the Brotherhood.”

“I will ask about them momentarily. You mentioned a God named Dissida?”

“Ah, my least favourite Goddess. Goddess of War, Chaos, Strife, and Cides. Homicide, suicide, regicide, patricide, infanticide; you name it, murderous fuck lords over it with a smile a mile wide. You offer her tripe and the best cuts of a successful hunt unless you want to get fucked up in turn. Some people follow her as the Goddess of Natural Order, but those people are heretics and practice Black Magicks. I’ve helped Seekers land hits on Dissida’s folk before. Fuckers do sacraments and sacrifices, and I’m not talking about animals.”

“Gruesome.What is this Brotherhood you speak of?”

“The Brotherhood is a misnomer since anyone worthy can join. It’s actually called Death’s Hand, the Black Hand, the Left Hand. You can shorten it to any of the three and be fine.”

“Then why do you call it the Brotherhood?”

“Because I was actually a pretty high ranker in the Thieves Guild, to be honest with you. When you earn the title ‘Gadai' you’re expected to call the Left Hand the Brotherhood because the Thieves Guild and the Brotherhood work in tandem I was a Varas, meaning that I could have been the next Guildmaster if Furladra had it in my Fate. You steal from the Thieves guild, you get blacklisted or you catch pilliwinks depending on what you managed to get. You hurt a Guild member, Thieves Guild still takes care of it, but that one’s usually a ratrace on one of your thighs. Kill one of ours or sell out a fellow member and we call the Brotherhood to kidnap you, and then you get a taste of scaphism, which is ugly. Real ugly. Whether the Brotherhood takes you to one of their keeps or you get sent to The Caverns, you don’t make it away from that one.”

“What are pilliwinks, a ratrace, and scaphism?”

“Not suitable for pillowtalk, I assure you.”

“I do not mind.”

“Don’t chuck on me, okay?”

“I will not.”

“Pilliwinks are like vices, but they’re specifically made for thumbs, toes, knees, or elbows. I’m sure you can imagine what happens when you put someone’s hand in a vice and don’t care how tight it gets.” I said sleepily.

“I can. Bite-Back implements similar devices to get information when Unicorns and Changelings are either unavailable for mind-reading or incapable of penetrating a mind.” Maud informed.

“Figured you guys had something to help with that. A ratrace is when you get a rat or some kind of small rodent and a metal container and put them together. You trap the rat or whatever against someone’s skin with the container, strap it down, and then heat it up with a torch until the little bugger has to burrow through your victim’s flesh to get out. The Brotherhood uses ratraces to get info instead of pilliwinks, but that’s a damn good way to kill someone, even if you’re not trying to. Rats carry all sorts of disease and miasma that aren’t exactly healthy.”

“... That is horrifying, Gauche.” Maud monotoned. “Bite-Back would never use such a method unless we were executing a war criminal.”

I shrugged. “It is what it is. Scaphism is a lot worse, and that’s an opinion shared by everything in existence.”

“What does it entail?”

“Depending on whether the Thieves Guild does it or the Brotherhood has a go, you end up in a boat or you end up in a box. The Thieves Guild sticks you in a boat and keeps you in the Caverns on dry land so we don’t taint the beauty of Furladra’s Flash Ken, but anyway, the first step is to force-feed the victim milk and honey or sugar-milk until their stomach shows signs of popping. The bastard is usually given a few days to be force-fed until he gets a good swamp going on in said boat-”

“Wait, you leave them in their own filth?” Maud asked.

“Yeah. With the diet of milk and honey, it’s mostly fluid coming out, so it’s even less pleasant and earns the victim an infection sooner than you’d think. Once the smell needs to get taken out of the Caverns, the boat gets dragged to the swamps nearby and the cycle continues while Greenrot, Blackrot, and Whitecough settle in, but that’s the kindest part of the whole situation. When you leave the victim in the swamp, warble-flies, digger-wasps, jigga-ticks, chiggers, deer-ticks, and facerapers-”

“Did you seriously just say ‘faceraper’?” Maud asked, her brow furrowing.

“They’re spiders the size of my thumb,” I held it up for reference, “that’ll burrow under your skin like everything else in that list, except facerapers make your rip your own face off. The pain of having just one of ‘em in you, even if you’re the toughest soldier on the face of the fuckin' planet, is enough to make you mutilate yourself, and after you get it out, the pain doesn’t go away for months. People take Helix to deal with a faceraper bite, let alone a full burrow, and that’s knowing the dangers of the root. The reason they’re called facerapers is because they go for the face. Always. The Scholars of Gustada say its because of the mucus in the sinuses.”

“... Carry on.”

“Right. So Dissida-worms-”

“Wait, there are more?” She asked, her voice cracking.

“There’s…” I counted. “Twelve. Usually twelve different kinds of crawlers you’ll find in and on a scaphist. The last four are eardwellers, blinderbuggers, sin-flies, and sedgewigs. The crawlers I mentioned up until the facerapers are the ones that you can live from, but facerapers make you suicidal, Dissida-worms drive you mad, eardwellers will make you deaf, blinderbuggers eat your eyes and lay eggs in the sockets, sin-flies crawl in the tender bits and make you a eunuch if you want to live through the next seven days, if you're a guy that is. Women usually just die from them, and sedgewigs burrow into the bones. You can technically live past the rest of them, but sedgewigs aren’t worth living with. Knew a guy who had sedgewigs and he begged for death, but there’s not a lot of ways to die in gaol.”

“... How long does it take to die from scaphism?”

“Sometimes days. Sometimes weeks. Bad luck takes a month. Never more than twenty-eight days though. Not in a thousand years has someone ever made it past twenty-eight.”

“... Dear Celestia…” Maud monotoned softly. “... Did you condone this?”

“... Only for one woman.”

“Those must have been very special circumstances.”

“They were.” I grunted.

“I would like to know the story.”

“It’s not exactly a happy one.”

“And scaphism is a happy subject?” Maud challenged.

I nodded. “Fair enough. Sinthia was a former Brothel Mommy’s daughter who didn’t want to hook, so she struck it in the Thieves Guild. I met her when I first joined and she along with my surrogate mother, a woman named Vex, kept me as honest as a thief gets. She took me with her on a few missions, taught me the ins and outs of fencing on the side for the Guild when I didn’t want to risk my neck to make a shilling, and took my first kiss. I fell in love with that woman when I was thirteen and swore I’d marry her. Told anyone who’d listen.” I smiled, trying to make my heart ache a little less.

“She was there for me when Aria faded away, told me that it wasn’t my fault. Few weeks after she passed, I find Sinthia trussed up in the Guild and Corvus, the Guildmaster at the time, and Desmond, Mercer Vex, and Luciana, the Varas, told me that she’d been robbing me since she laid eyes on me. Robbed a lot of the Pluckers she was in charge of. I didn’t care when they said that. Didn’t give a fuck. Then they explained where a few of my friends had been disappearing to, and it wasn’t on missions. Sinthia was selling off Guildies, thieves without rank, to the highest bidder, setting Pluckers up with Priests and getting them fucked to death in their little orgies.”

I kept trying to smile, but it hurt to tell the story. “I’d been away on a mission she’d given me when they caught her, and that was when they told me that the reason the mission had gone south before I could collect enough for a bite to eat past the Guild fees was because she’d set me up for ten shillings. I was only worth ten shillings to her.” I repeated softly.

Maud let her hand rest on my arm. “... You are worth my entire collection and more, Garrison.”

I chuckled at that. “Thank you.”

“I sense that is not the end of the story.”

“It’s close enough. All that’s left is the days I visited her. She begged me to let her go. Begged me to spray some Cithian oil on her to keep the crawlers away when she was still in the Caverns. Begged for my forgiveness.” I shook my head. “I was there when she died. Still remember her face on that day. Still remember Vex telling me that I was better off joining the Brotherhood when I started getting out there since I was looking for blood, but I stayed in the Guild.”

“Why?” Maud asked quietly.

“It was home.”

“... Do you miss her?”

“Yeah. Can we stop talking now?”

“I am sorry for bringing bad memories to bear.”

“They’re just memories. They’ll fade in time.”

Maud gave my arm a gentle squeeze and we let it be at that. I don’t know how long we got to sleep after that, but I do know that the jolly voice that woke me up pissed me off. “Good evening! If it isn’t Bite-Back’s newest power-couple, napping like calves! Get up ya lazy louts! It’s time for the after-action-assembly!”

I sat up and glared at the smiley, black and white Bull that was grinning at us. “Fuck off, you Sugarlad.”

Maud groaned. “Five more minutes.”

“Get up before I getcha up!” He warned playfully.

“We gotcha, big fella. One sec.” I patted Maud’s shoulder and climbed out of bed before stretching. “Aww fuck. That was a shitty nap.”

“It wasn’t a shitty mission though! I saw the ledger, and y’all managed to nab over ten 'K' in fencables!” He said cheerfully.

I scratched my head and ran my hand through my hair. “Yeah, I tend to keep things profitable. You know if that money got to the orphanages yet?”

“All but one, Bud.” He gave me a big smile. “I wanted to personally thank ya on that one. I got a niece I can’t take in holed up in Holy Home, and you just bought her a new frock.”

I grinned at him. “Happy to hear that I’m doing some good in the world. Gotta help those who can’t help themselves, y’know?”

“That is what Bite-Back is about, Gauche.” Maud said, her voice sleepy and dry.

“Damn straight! So how’d the mission go? Any hiccups?” The guy asked.

“None of note. Maud’s bad at stealth, though.” I said flatly.

“Hey.” She objected.

“Your track record’s terrible!” The Minotaur chuckled.

“Bite me, you overgrown cattle.” Maud replied, her cheeks pinking up.

“You’d talk to your dear, sweet colleague like that?” He said, holding a hand to his chest.

“You may outrank me, but I will still rip your tail off.” My lover said drolly. “The front one.”

“Oh shit.” I commented.

The fellow beamed and laughed, clapping his hands. “As fierce as ever, my widdle Wocky Wose.”

“Shut up, Odysseus.” She muttered.

He gave me a wink. “How is she in the sack? Is she a tiger like everyone thinks?”

Maud blushed brightly and I grinned. “Like greased lightning. I feel like a sinner just thinking about it.”

“Gauche, I will hit you for your treachery.” Maud warned.

I stuck my tongue out at her and she flipped me off, which made Odysseus laugh. “Ah, that’s wonderful! Agori, come here and let me get a good look atcha so we can leave Maud alone.”

“I dunno, you seem like you’re gonna put something in my bum.” I teased.

He laughed at that too. “I might like a good Bull, but my Cows would be mad if I suddenly changed teams on them! No, come here so I don’t gotta strain my eyes.”

I started walking over as I said, “So you’re the Quarter Chief around these parts, right? What does that entail?”

“Crackin’ skulls, givin’ orders, and makin’ sure shit gets did right the first time ‘round.” He recited from memory.

I came to a halt an arm and a half away from him to stay out of his reach. “I bet you’ve got your hands full with keeping everything running.”

I barely had time to register the fact that my instincts were telling me to move before he seized me by the arms and lifted me off of my feet. “Sure do! Sometimes I gotta do stuff I don’t wanna do, but thems the breaks.”

I stared at him, the blood draining from my face. “... Why ya got me up here, Bruv?”

“Cleft was my daughter.” He said with a smile.

“Shit. Bruv, I-”

“Oh, I know she started it. She got what she deserved. Been tellin’ that calf for years that bein’ hot-headed was gonna get her iced and whaddaya know? Stranger blows in from outta town with a big head and the skills ta back it up!” His smile didn’t fade. If anything, it just got bigger and that tipped me off to something. Something important.

Guy was Gods-be-damned insane.

“... I’m not walkin’ ‘way from this one, am I?” I asked quietly.

“Only if ya say no!”

“I’m listenin’.”

“I know ya are! How would ya feel about bein’ a Xysma?”

“... Guess I’d feel good about- AH!” He tossed me into the air, damn near high enough to hit the vaulted ceiling.

He caught me as I came down and wrapped me up in a bone-crusher. “Welcome to the family, son!”

“Gack!”

“Odysseus, he cannot breathe.” Maud said slightly above conversation volume.

He let me go by tossing me into the air again, spinning me so he could catch me and make me sit on his shoulder. “Oh well. Not everyone can give a good hug.” He said, the jovial tone finally dipping.

I grabbed one of his horns for balance and chuckled weakly. “So, uh… Dad. How’s life?”

“Got a new son who can kill like Dragon curry, so it’s pretty great! Can’t help but shake the feelin’ that Cleft is rollin’ in her grave, though. Eh, she’ll get over it!”

“Could you not claim my potential husband as your son? I do not want to marry into your family.” Maud deadpanned. Her voice was a little deeper than usual, so I figured that she really didn’t like the idea.

“I either claim ‘em or kill ‘em!” I’m guessing Odysseus was smiling again. “If I kill ‘em, it’s always ugly!”

“Ugh. Gauche, good luck with your new family. I am going back to sleep.” Maud said.

“Aw come on! No help here at all!?” I whispered like Odysseus wouldn’t hear me.

He bounced up and down, jostling me pretty well. “Ha! Maud couldn’t take me if I was twenty years older with one leg tied to the opposite arm! You’re stuck bein’ a Xysma for the rest a’ yer life!”

“What even is a Xysma!?”

“One a’ the family, dummy!” ‘Dad’ answered, swinging me down to carry me under his arm.

It was smelly. “Urk! Bruv, that’s great and all, but can ya put me down?”

“Nope! All a’ my calves are too big to manhandle these days, so I’m gonna have some fun with ya!” He started walking out of the room.

“Mauble! Lover! Help!”
“I will see you tomorrow, Dear.” She waved casually, already in position to continue sleeping.

“You suck eggs!”

‘Dad’ hefted me lick a sack of radishes, worth even less than celeriac. “Quit yer bellyachin’ and smile! Ya just got accepted inta a proud family!”

“Is it full of Minotaurs?”

“Yup!”

“Bruv, Minotaurs tend to hate me.”

“I don’t hatecha, and your siblings won’t either! Tartarus, if ya gotta, just start killin’ ‘em off like ya did Cleft!”

“Really ain’t trying to kill more people, Odysseus.”

“Call me Pops.” Pops said lethally.

My gut told me to “Pops.”

“Good!” The joy was back, but it’s not like the madness ever left.

There are moments when I wish I was back in my flash ken, counting coins and cooking up ledgers for embezzlers. This was a long moment, and it seemed to be getting longer by the second as the humiliation continued. Pops, since I don’t dare call him anything else to his face, introduced me as his son to every face we came across in the Catacombs, and even when we went topside, he was fond of shoving me in the faces of complete strangers at random to tell them about how proud he was of me for winning a scrap against six people. Most folk evidently knew his face because they more often than not faked cheer similar to his to avoid pissing him off, and the few people who told him to get away from them (Generally in far ruder words) caught a fist to the face. Keep in mind that my feet didn’t touch the ground for hours, and he knocked out six people cold before he could drop me. To explain why that was a fuckin’ feat to be afraid of, he held me outstretched with both hands on my arms and jabbed people. They were just. Jabs.

Pops is scary as fuck. He makes Maud look like a stray cat with three legs, no tail, and half its whiskers missing. I wondered how the fuck Herodotus wasn’t dead if monsters like Pops walked around freely, so I decided to ask. “Hey Pops, can we talk for a sec?”

“Sure, son! Whaddaya got on your chest?”

“Why haven't you just gone and fucked up Priority Number One? I’m really starting to doubt that anyone could stop you.” I said nervously.

He guffawed at that. “Because it’s not my job, dummy! We wanna take care a’ that guy with as little bloodshed as possible, and I’m infamous on toppa bein' bad at sneakin’!”

“... Right.”

He whipped me out from underneath his arm and shoved me into a black Cow’s face a second after I stopped talking. “Lookie! This is my son, Gauche!”

“... Odysseus?” She breathed fearfully.

“He took down a Cow, two Bulls, two Griffins, and two Ponies all by himself and not a’ one of ‘em walked away! Ain’t he somethin’ special!?”

“A regular prodigy! Did you train himself yourself!? I mean- er, just by yourself!?” She squeaked, damn near pissing herself like fourteen other Minotaurs, six Ponies, seven Griffins, a Naga, six Dogs, and a Cat.

“I didn’t train him at all! He really is a prodigy, ain’t he!? Just think! If I put some elbow grease inta makin’ him a real Xysma, he’ll be a killer~!” Pops proclaimed proudly.

I locked eyes with a guard a handful of meters away, but he saw who was holding me and made an about face as the Cow chuckled awkwardly. “Right! Here’s hoping he takes after dear old Dad!”

“Pops ain’t old.” I whispered quickly, having seen a Griffins beak get shattered for making that mistake.

“I mean dear lively Pops!” She corrected a second later.

“Ah, I thought ya misspoke! It was good talkin’ to ya, Miss!” Pops swung me back under his arm and we carried on.

After a good while, Pops asked, “Are ya hungry, son? I doubt ya’ve got food on yer belly.”

“I could eat.” I replied casually, having accepted my Fate after watching a Dragon disrespect Pops. My feet still never touched the ground since Pops held me aloft with one hand for the short uppercut he’d driven into the fellow ribs. Bones broke and there was a dent in the poor bastard, but bad luck makes its runs.

“Whatcha hungry for?”

“Do Minotaurs eat meat? I could go for a slab of something that unalive.”

“Mmm Satyrs.” Pops said hungrily. “You ever eat anything that could talk!?”

“... No.” I said, choking down my revulsion and abject horror as best I could.

“Do ya wanna!?”

“Pops, no. Not just no-”

“Too bad!” He laughed. “Satyrs are the tastiest things around!”

“Heya, oi, I can’t do that Pops! You eat somethin’ that talks and ya generally go ta Hæl! Fire! Brimstone! Dæmons!”

“Ah, yer worried over nothin’! Satyrs are demons!”

“Really don’t wanna eat a dæmon, Pops.” I tried again. “Let’s get a salad.”

“Nope! Salads are for milkdrinkers!” He cut down an alley and I was starting hate life with a passion.

“Pops-”

“Keep it up and I’ll break something on you.” His tone dropped.

“... Fuck my life.” I said to myself, lower than even I could really hear.

“Still talkin’?”

“Just bitching to myself. Nothing you care to hear.” I admitted so he wouldn’t kill me for lying like I’m sure he would.

“As long as yer keepin’ it to yerself! So how long ya been in Minosia, son?”

“Bout a week now. Some crazy Pony fucked up a spell and ditched me to go back to Equestria, but I’ve been making the most of it. I’m pretty sure you’re aware of what I’ve been up to since most of it’s involved the crew.”

“Sounds about right! Where’d ya call home before ya joined up?”

“Capersport Avalesce, back on a world called Terra. Nice little shithole with enough marks to keep my pock- Urk!” He jostled me again.

“I really don’t like the thievin’ thing ya got goin’ on when it ain’t Bite-Back targets! Xysmas don't steal!”

“Kinda my whole deal, Pops.” I responded meekly.

“Drop that deal. You’re an assassin now above all else.” He snarled.

“... Yes sir.”

“Glad to hear ya bein’ so agreeable! Ya know, the Creator blessed me with a lot of obedient calves, and I can’t help but be thankful for it!” That’s because you probably kill the ones who don’t listen you Dissidan psychopath.

“Mind telling my brothers and sisters-”

“Ah, ya ain’t got no brothers!”

“How many sisters do I have, and how many of them want my head?”

“Ya got seventeen right- er, sixteen, and none of ‘em! Ain’t none of ‘em in Bite-Back ‘cause not a one of ‘em fight worth a lick. Cleft was always too rough for my little airheads!”

“Ah. I dunno if it’s good that I won’t have to worry about getting beaten to death, or if it’s bad that none of my new sisters couldn’t back me up if I needed them to.”

“Ya got dear young Pops for that, son!”

“Fair point. You tend to fuck people up pretty good.”

“Eh. Your Grandaddy, Heracles, was a lot better at scrappin’ than I am now. I was better than him a few years ago, but even a young man gots his aches.”

“Is Grandad still kickin’?”

Pops whirled me around and held me in front of him giving me a sad smile. “He’s still around, but he’s not producin’ calves no more. Gotta find the heart ta put him down one a’ these days.”

If the fact, or the point, that Pops was insane was a ship, and the events of the day were the sea, then he’d just sailed across continents, dragging the galleon across dry land to bring said point past just getting it to where it needed to be and back to where it had started from. “... Well ain’t that a shame. Hope it’s painless when he goes.”

Pops nodded. “It will be. Now that I got you, I think I can find it in me to rip his head off!”

“Holy fuck, that’s a little much.” I said quietly. “Can’t you just stab him in the heart with one of your horns?”

Pops laughed at the prospect of not committing one of the most egregious acts of patricide I could have imagined. “It’ll be quicker to yank his noodle off! Plus I can stuff it and we can put it on the mantle!”

I’d run my mouth off to people who’d scared the shit out of me before. I’d taken some lumps because of it, gotten stabbed, beaten, sold out; a lotta shit because I don’t know when to stop talking. Looking at Pops? Really looking at him?

It wasn’t worth it.

“... Sounds interesting.”

“It’ll be great! With my heir by my side, it’ll be the best a’ times!”

And now I had to watch it. Great. “Sounds like a regular blast, Pops. Can’t wait.”

“It’s agreed then! We’ll do it after we grab some Satyr!”

Fuck. My. Life.

Twilight merrily packed for her trip with Applejack helping along, keeping her company as she went through her checklist for an extended search through a foreign country. It was a simple affair since Twilight knew where everything in her house was, but Applejack was lost since Twilight’s room was a mess. Spike never bothered to clean it after Twilight needled him for days for doing it once, so it stayed perpetually chaotic, but it worked for the youthful Princess, and it always had. Applejack herself kept her room tidy since her brother liked to sneak in and sniff her panties after a day’s work, but no one besides they themselves and me knew that. I thought it was hilarious, but I’m already getting sidetracked.

“So what’s this Gauche guy like, Twi? You said he was nice, but not much else.” Applejack said, eyeing a bread crust sticking out from underneath a book.

“To be honest, I don’t really know all that much about him. I know he’s paranoid and good at haggling, and that he’s really good at talking to ponies. There was an innkeeper who didn’t like me and took our money for some reason, but Gauche managed to talk him into giving it back after a little bit, even after that Stallion was so rude! I don’t know a lot of ponies who are that diplomatic; even actual diplomats.” Twilight ended, sounding a little miffed.

“Ah, so how’d he get him to give the money back? Did he guilt trip the guy?”

“Well, I don’t know what he actually said, but when he came out of the inn, he said the innkeeper was a little upset about having to turn business away.”

AJ found that odd because she, unlike many mainland Equestrians, possessed a shred of common sense. It’s the reason I told Twilight to take her along in the first place. “Twi, ya realize that he probably just beat ‘em up, right?”

“Why would Gauche lie about how he got the money back?”

“Why was he even tryin’ ta take ya to an inn?” Applejack countered.

“It was my idea in the first place, and Gauche said that it was dangerous to be on the streets since we didn’t know where we were. We needed to make a plan to get both of us home, and I wanted to make him feel less paranoid, so I came up with the idea of getting us a place to stay, but he was kind of brisk whenever I tried to talk about it outside anyway.” Twilight admitted.

“... Are ya sure he wasn’t tryin’ ta get some a’ your tail?”

“Applejack!” Twilight protested, blushing brightly. “Gauche isn’t that kind of guy! When we actually found an inn all we did we sleep, so don’t accuse him of something like that!”

“Did ya share a bed?” AJ asked, folding her arms.

“No! He sat on the floor next to the bed and we took turns sleeping.”

That struck Applejack as odd as well. “Why would ya need to keep watch if ya were in a safe place?”

“Gauche insisted on it because, and I repeat, he’s paranoid. His world didn’t sound like a nice place.”

“I’m sorry, but I’m havin’ a hard time understandin’ why you’re goin’ after a guy Princess Luna thought it right ta leave behind. Dontcha think the Lunar Princess had a reason for that?”

Twilight gave her a stern look. “Luna would have left a foal behind if it didn’t look cute enough.”

“That ain’t true, and you’re just sayin’ that because you’re mad at her.”

“Well, her only reason for not bringing Gauche with us in the first place was because he, and I quote, ‘Did not seem honorable.’.” Twilight mocked the elder Princess and threw up some air quotes to add to the show.

Applejack wasn’t amused. “I think Princess Luna, of all Mares, right beside Princess Celestia, would know a cagey pony when she sees one.”

“Oh hush.” Her purple friend grumbled. “You’d like him if you met him.”

“I’ll give him a shot, but I don’t like what I’m hearin’ Twi. He sounds like some a’ the ponies I met in Manehattan, and that ain’t a good thing.”

“For the love of Celestia, why does nopony trust me to judge another pony’s character?”

“Uh, well, there’s always the fact that the sketchiest thing on hooves told ya ta go an’ grab him because of some ‘plans’ he’s had since before Celestia was born. I dunno what makes ya think that this Faith Stallion wasn’t some kinda evil if he’s as old an’ powerful as you say he is. If he’s been around since before Equestria was Equestria, then I’m pretty sure he’s capable of makin’ Celestia trust him against her better judgement.” Applejack pointed out.

“Stop being a negative nag.” Twilight huffed.

“Stop bein’ a foal and look at what you’re doin’, Twi. Ya know I’m with ya ‘til the end, but this is sketchier than Discord’s egg hunts.”

“What’s so sketchy about it, Applejack?”

The look she garnered for her words was enough to make her blush. “That’s like askin’ how Blueblood isn’t a stuck-up prick, Twi. It really is.”

“Can you stop taking jabs at me?” Twilight asked, sounding hurt.

“I’m not jabbin’ atcha, I’m tryin’ ta make ya see what I see. Ya set up a spell ta summon yourself a student, it goes wrong and sends ya across the planet with some guy from another planet, and that guy just so happens to be streetwise and cares about ya. Luna comes ta pick ya up, tells ya ta ditch the guy ‘cause he ain’t trustworthy, and then some eldritch male Alicorn comes and tells ya ta go back an’ get the alien because you’re messin’ up his plans. Ya didn’t bring Gauche here by accident, Twi. Faith bucked your spell up. Luna’s tryin’ ta protect ya. You’re rushin’ headlong inta danger with no regard for the fact that the rest a’ the world ain’t as nice as Equestria. It’s sket-chy at best.”

Twilight sniffed. “At least Pinkie’s excited to go.”

Applejack facepalmed and I was tempted to do the same. I didn’t intend for Applejack to lay it out for her like that, and when she did it was damn near enough for me to send someone in to shut her up, but Equis-One-Dash-Alt-M Twilight is so stupid. “Celestia bless ya, Twilight.”

“I sniffed, I didn’t sneeze.” Her mentally handicapped friend responded.

“... Celestia bless ya, Sugarcube.” Applejack sighed. “When are we leavin’ again?”

“We head for the Teleportation Station tomorrow.” Twilight said brightly.

“Bringin’ ma’ crossbow.”

“You’re not bringing your crossbow!”

“I’m either bringin’ it or we ain’t goin’ nowhere. For that matter, I gotta see if I can find Daddy’s sword.”

“You’re not bringing weapons!”

“Ya got me some kinda bucked up thinkin’ I’m fightin’ a Minotaur barehanded.” Applejack deadpanned.

“What is with you and Rainbow? I swear, you two are ready to throw punches over odd looks somedays.” Twilight huffed.

“Sugarcube, do ya remember the time ya took me with ya ta Bridleland and ya almost got foalnapped?”

“That’s not what happened. Besides, I would have just teleported away anyway.”

“Dear Celestia, why is the smartest mare I’ve ever even heard of so dumb?” Applejack muttered to herself.

“Mumbling is rude.” Twilight chastised.

“Nag, neigh.”

“Hey! That’s uncalled for.”

“You’ve literally ignored every valid point I’ve made, and you’re frankly makin’ me wanna let ya go on this ‘mission’ or whatever just to see if ya get burned for it.” Applejack said. “I love you, Twi, but you’re actin’ like a stubborn foal with tunnel vision out the wazoo.”

Twilight took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “If you’re not going to be helpful, then maybe you shouldn’t come.”

Applejack rolled her eyes. Then she rolled them harder.“Nah. You ain’t goin’ in alone, even if Pinkie's comin'. I just don’t think this is a smart move, Twi.”

“It’ll work out, Applejack.” Twilight assured her with a smile. “When you meet Gauche, you’ll get why it’s worth it.”

“I’d rather meet Faith and have him tell me why.”

“He said he was going to sleep for awhile, otherwise I’d send him a note.”

“... Right. Send one anyway, please.”

“Applejack, you know that the older a pony gets, the less energy they have. I might be able to stay awake for months at a time, but Celestia and Luna can only manage a week or two. Faith was old before they were even born.”

“Please? It’d make me feel better ta talk to him.” Applejack requested.

Before Twilight could answer (And because I glanced at the future. Sue me.) I froze time and let Applejack realize that Twilight wasn’t actually alive before showing up. “Wotcher, AJ.” I said casually, wearing my Faith suit.

She whirled around to face me, wide-eyed. “What did you to to her!?”

I raised my hands. “I froze time on Equis for a little bit. No big deal.”

“... The whole planet.” She breathed, her Element proving my words to her.

I gave her a runic smile and she blink a few times. “You said my names so many times, I sneezed myself awake.” I jested.

“You weren’t asleep, were ya?”

“I lost the ability to sleep before this universe was born.” I said softly.

“... The what?”

“You know the Solar System, right? The Sun, Equis, Sesa, Duvot, Sigmis, Threshstar; the planets of Solstice Circle?”

“... Yeah?”

“The Solar System was born out of the universe, and this one is one of the younger Solar Systems.” I explained.

“... How old are you?” She asked breathlessly.

I let my form flicker between Faith, Kaid, and Maximus. Kaid and Maximus are different because my appearance first changed when I stole Discord’s Magic in a few minor ways, and again when I became a Capital G. Applejack gaped before I let my form settle on a version of Faith that was young and whole. Older than even the eldritch could fathom.

“H-H-Holy shit!” Applejack cried. “Wh-What do ya want with Twilight? What the buck kinda plans do ya got that you yourself can’t take care of!?”

“Ah, you guessed it.” I chuckled.

“Sir, I mean- er, Faith, I… Sir, if it’s your will, then I’ll go along with it, but why?”

I took a deep breath and chuckled it out, giving my little creation a warm, loving smile. “I’m old, and that’s all you need to know.”

“... Don’t think I really need to ask if I should keep this conversation quiet.”

“You don’t. You were always smarter than people gave you credit for, even back in school.”

She gave me a look before she fixed her face. “Well, I wasn’t exactly a straight C student.”

“You could’ve been a straight A student if it weren’t for your parent’s passing, Applejack. You grew up thinking you were dumb when you’re easily one of the wisest Ponies in Equestria. You were really scaring me earlier when you pointed out how… Sketchy, was your word?” I chuckled some more. “How sketchy the whole situation was. I was afraid that I was going to have to look somewhere else again to make my plans go through.”

“Sir-”

“Sir is unnecessary and Faith is a bullshit name. Call me Max or Kaid, Love.”

“... The Creator’s name is Max?” Applejack asked, a childhood memory popping up in her head.

“I swear to Me, if you liken me to you puppy I’ll spank you and give your all of your underwear to Big Mac.”

“H-Hey! Th-That’s unnecessary!”

I pointed an accusing finger at her. “Be good, then. Like I was saying; don't mess this up for me. I won’t send you to Hell specifically for it, but it will make me make your life on Equis suck.”

“... What do ya want me to do?”

“Take your crossbow. Your bolts are still in the ammo closet, and Bright Mac’s sword is in the basement, stuck in your brother’s nudie crate that he does not know that you visit. You’re good there, and you will be for the foreseeable future as long as you stick to your schedule.”

She blushed brightly and coughed a few times to clear her throat. “Shouldn’t really surprise me that The Creator knows about that.”

“Coming out to your friends can happen any time. The only one who’s going to think differently of you is Rainbow.” I gave her a smile.

Her cheeks stayed bright red. “Why Rainbow?”

“She wants some tail, Love.”

“Aw buck me! Why couldn't it be Pinkie?”

“... How bad do you want it to be?” I asked with an amused look.

“Not bad enough for you to make it happen.” She said firmly, preferring Free Will to do as it pleased.

“I wouldn’t be making anything happen.” I snickered.

“... Two of my friends want some?”

“Three.”

“You’re buckin’ with me.”

“Rarity.”

“Ew.”

“I don’t like them much either. Most Raritys are cunts.” I admitted.

“What’s cunt mean?”

“Jerk, but meaner.”

“Ya ain’t wrong on that one. Still, why do they want me?”

I gave her an obvious once over. “You tell me, blindness. On that note; take care and try not to let Twilight get kicked too hard, okay?”

“That’s real forebodin’, Max.”

“It’s foreshadowing.” I wiggled my fingers at her before fading away and letting time flow as it would.

“I’ll send him a note, but I really don’t think I should.” Twilight said uneasily, folding her arms and giving Applejack a concerned look before shaking her head and staring. “Wait, when did you turn around?”

I whispered to Applejack and she faced her friend. “Uh… Dunno what you’re talkin’ about. If ya really don’t think ya should, then don’t.”

Twilight tilted her head. “... It’s odd that you’re giving in so easily, but I’m not complaining.” She got back to packing and Applejack rubbed her face when she was sure Twilight wasn’t looking.

“I just met the buckin’ Creator.” She muttered to herself, too low for Twilight to hear. Louder, she said, “Hey Twi, do ya know if Spike is out and about?”

“No, he should be in his room, as usual.” The purple Mare giggled at her little brother’s social life, or rather, the lack thereof. She’d caught him talking to her owl on multiple occasions, and it was more than pet-talk.

Applejack frowned. “You really need to make that colt get out more, Twi.”

“He’s fine. He’s just a little eccentric is all.”

“Riiight. And I’m a liar-liar-pants-on-fire.”

“He’s not weird.”

“Never said he wa~as” Applejack chimed, stepping out of the room.

Twilight rolled her eyes and checked her list one last time, finding everything to be rather copacetic. Everything on her list was in her travel bag, and she had room for a few of her favorite snacks. The next thing on her to-do list was go see Pinkie, so after a few minutes of rechecking her list, she went to go get Applejack and caught her as she was leaving Spike’s room.

“What did you want to talk to Spike about?” Twilight asked.

Applejack shrugged. “Same thing I always ask about.”

“You’re still not going to tell me?”

“Some things are only meant for the right ears, Sugarcube.” Applejack answered, her tone barring further questioning.

Twilight pouted about it for a second. “... You’re not kissing him, are you?”

AJ took a moment to think, but I didn’t need to say anything. “Twi, I’m a lesbian.”

“Oh. Then that wouldn’t really make sense.”

“Me bein’ gay or me kissin’ Spike?” Applejack asked apprehensively.

Twilight gave her a look. “You kissing Spike. Why would you being gay need to make sense to anypony but you?”

Applejack gave her a little smile. “Guess it wouldn’t.”

I think the phrase ‘Fuck my life’ gets thrown around a little too casually. If someone stubs a toe and gets a hangnail from it, it’s not weird to hear them say it. When someone loses their coinpurse one way or another, they’re most likely going to say it. Parents with children? They say it all the time. Me? I don’t say it that often because my life could typically be a lot worse. I know of a lot of people who had it a lot worse than me in most given moments. However, most of those people weren’t sitting a booth with a guy who wasn’t exactly a cannibal, but… Sapiavore sounds good. A psychopathic sapiavore was forcing me into a seedy, dimly lit ‘restaurant’ where the din of conversation was all but absent. No, there was something going on in A Taste of Evil, and it was beyond horrifying.

The screams of the day’s Satyr rang throughout the underground shop, and I was made well aware of the fact that she was just one of an entire stock of poor, innocent creatures that were being sliced to pieces. Alive. If I’d eaten before being carried into that Hælhole, I would’ve been ill the second I saw her strapped to the vertical table. Her pleas for mercy, her cries of innocence, went unheard by the clientele within the shop as a slim Griffin teamed up with a Molly to burn the fur off of her before chopping off another hunk of meat to throw on the grill. The scent of the goat-woman’s flesh made my stomach churn because it didn’t smell like goat to me. It smelled every bit as Human as the smoke that had poured from the Brotherhood keep I’d torched to avenge Vex, and even then I knew that I wasn’t necessarily sane. I knew then that I was some kind of monster, but I am not Pops. He sat me down and told me to stay with the same smile he’d worn all day, and the only reason I listened to him was because my gut said that it wouldn’t begin well for me if I did, but it's not like he would let it end anyway.

I froze and and put on my facade as best I could, my Flash Face faltering as I looked into the future. A smile that my heart rejected crept its way onto my face as Pops made his way back to our booth and settled in. “They’re gonna wheel it over so we can pick where we want our meat from! Isn’t it great to have a Bampas with influence?”

“Sure is, Pops.” I replied, doing my damnedest not to sound as weak as I felt.

“Damn straight! Ya know, my Pateras was a real influential guy too! The name Heracles still carries weight around the capital!”

“Wow, what did Grandad do to get so well respected?” I asked, feigning interest in a dead man.

“Ah, he used to be a Champion of Pankration! That, and he was a King’s Man to boot! Your Grandad went all across Minosia to slay great beasts, conquer legends, and he even returned the Golden Fleece to Minosian lands before he retired to fuck his Cows silly! He fucked your Granny to death, you know? Gave her so many calves that she died durin' childbirth, but that’s where your Pops comes inta the picture!”

“Ah. Explains why we haven’t said much about her.”

“Sure does!” He glanced over to something that I heard and didn’t want to see. “Look, son! The meat’s here!” I kept my eyes on him until he glanced back and narrowed his eyes at me. “Didn’t I just tell you to do something?”

“Yeah. Sorry, spaced out for a moment.” I said truthfully, tearing my eyes away from the monster to an innocent soul who didn’t deserve… This.

I laid eyes on her, she couldn’t lay eyes on me, and I suppose I should be thankful that I didn’t have to meet the gaze of someone I was powerless to save. It was sunset by the time we’d gotten to the outskirts of Hæl, which meant that her arms were gone; the left one all the way up to the shoulder and the right to what I thought was the lower part of the tricep. One of her breasts had been cut off, but the other was bare, exhibited for all to see as if the Satyr could have no pride, no modesty, and her sex was exposed. A few bones were crammed into her, some still holding pieces of what I assumed were her own muscle tissue, and I hoped that the blood on them wasn’t from them being shoved into her. I inwardly pleaded for that to be the case. I looked at her legs and only saw one, cut up with chunks and long patches of bare muscle showing, and on the outside of her thigh, bone. Her stomach had been wrapped up to keep her innards from becoming outtards, but what I saw then only scarred me so deeply.

“Ah, looks like we got here a little late, doesn’t it?” Pops asked, looking at the victim.

“Keep tellin’ ya that you’ve got ta get in here before Zephos does, Odie.” The female Griffin scoffed. “If you want the best cuts, noon is when we open.”

“Eh, she’s still got a tongue! Ya saved it just for me, dincha?” He sounded like he’d just been told that he’d gotten the last sweet in the shop.

“Always, big Bull.” The Molly gave him a wink.

I pointed at the bones sticking out of the woman’s quim. “What’s up with that? Shit’s weird.”

A split second of distraction. That’s all I got. That’s all I needed. I knew I couldn’t make a sure-kill, but when I flung the cleaver the Molly hadn’t noticed I’d palmed form her belt, I threw it with plenty enough force to bury it into the Satyr’s skull, and that made me unpopular with Pops pretty quick. “Now whaddya go and do that for, son?” He asked, his voice too level.

“I didn’t think you’d let me kill her if I just asked.” I replied.

“We woulda.” The Griffin scoffed. “Any Patron can-”

“No.” Pops said firmly. “I was enjoying the music.”

The torturer that had been talking to me glared at Pops. “Wanna interrupt me again and get banned?”

Pops snorted and pointed at me. “You owe me licks when we get home.”

“Yes sir.” I answered, accepting the consequences I’d known were coming.

He snorted again. “There’s no fun in eating without music. Hearing the Demons gargle on their own blood is why I ask for the tongue.”

“You’re sick, you know that?” The Molly giggled. “Why don’t I cut out the womb for you, big Bull?”

Pops looked at me. “Give it to my son. It’s said that the womb is full of nutrients.”

“Can’t say I’d eat it. Don't eat things that can talk.” I said suicidally.

“You’ll eat here or you won’t eat at all today.” Pops barked.

“Yes sir.”

“Good!” He beamed. “Cut up that snatch for him!”

“You misunderstood. I’ll go hungry.” I said coldly, my ribs aching with the weight of the pit in my stomach.

He glared at me and I felt my balls shrivel up inside to hide from their demise. “‘Scuse you?”

“You gave me a choice, Pops. You’re a Bull of your word, right?”

The pit disappeared, but my ribs still hurt. “Five licks for bein’ a smartass on top a’ goin’ ta bed hungry.” Pops said, his voice dripping with lunacy.

The two women chuckled nervously. “Uh, Odie? Ya brought a sympathizer in?” The Molly asked.

“Say a word to Deskit and neither of you live to cut me up another meal.”

They traded a look that I saw in my periphery. I never took my eyes off of Pops. “Say, Pops. Why don’t we grab a steak from a cattle instead?” I deadpanned.

The dæmons of Hæl ditched me to die on my own as Pops tilted his head. “Did ya honestly just ask me if I wanted to eat one a’ my ancestors?”

“On Terra, there are tales of Fauns, goat people that live in harmony with Dryads and Leshies. Tales of them helping lost travelers find their way home, helping merchants of out of the woods, hiding thieves from unjust persecution. You asked me to eat a child of my Goddess, a demi-goddess.”

“... I don’t know what the bloody fuck yer talkin’ about, but I got a switch with your name on it back at the house. Ya can bloody walk this time.”

“Yes sir.” I replied. The Flash Face got me out of trouble once again, and I was relieved to get out of the situation with minimal stains on my psyche.

I went to get up from the table and Pops said, “Sit.”

I was about to die. There was no doubt on this one. I sat.

“You wanna defy me? You don’t. Cut a piece off of it and eat it raw.”

I froze. I had one choice if I wanted to live, but could I really call myself a man if I let fear rule me? Could I still walk with my chin off of my chest if I let some stranger dictate what I did, my own morals be damned? The thing was, I wouldn’t walk away from this one. This trap had no rusty hinge to worry away at. No loose bars in this gaol. No locks to pick in this prison. Pops was offering me a choice without offering it. Become a bloody heathen heretic, or die.

“... No.” I answered, looking Dissida’s son in the eye as calmly as I could. Furladra, I’ve given you so many offerings, filled your eternal coffers with gold that could have been used to fill my stomach. I know I didn’t give all of it willingly in the early days, but I brought you far, far more valuable things in the later years of my own free will. All I ask is for a swift journey to your side.

I tried to dodge Pops’ grabbing hand, but he still seized me by the follicles and slammed my head on the table between us twice, hard enough to leave me more than a little dazed before he pulled me out of my seat. “Tough, aintcha? Thought Pops ain’t gonna back it up with might, dincha?” He was none to gentle about pulling me away from the booth, and if I’d been able to think that life sucked with a split brow and an aching head, I would’ve corrected myself the first time I got bounced off of the floor. The second time was a little worse.

“Fuck.” I muttered numbly.

Pops picked me up by the head and slammed me onto the table a couple of times, turning me a little every time while he did a damn fine job of making me think that my walking days were over. I felt him let go as he said, “Ya brought this on yerself, son. Ya makin’ me do stuff I don’t wanna do when ya coulda just ate the whore.”

I could barely move, but I tried rolling onto my side nonetheless to get the pressure off of the aching vertebrae in my upper and lower back, but Pops caught me before I could roll off of the table. “The fuck do you think yer goin’? Stay still before I bounce your fuckin’ skull off the table again.” He growled.

“Kill yourself.” I tried, hoping that he would fuck up and overdo it.

He didn’t hear me, but I felt something warm and salty get shoved into my mouth. “Chew.” Pops clamped his hand over my mouth, and none of my retching did me any favors when he forced my jaws to start working.

Furladra… I’m sorry… It’s not my choice. It’s not me doing this. I’m trying, Mistress, but I can’t… I’m sorry for being weak.

“Swallow.”

Forgive me. Forgive me for this sin against your children. Testify on my behalf in the Court of The End.

I couldn’t have choked it down, even if I wanted to, but Pops didn’t actually need me for much of anything. He forced my jaws open. “Ya wanna fuckin’ do this this hard way? We can do it the hardest way.” He crammed the half-chewed flesh of another sentient, sapient creature down my throat, but that wasn’t the only piece that reached my stomach. Time and time again he crammed chunks of flesh down my throat until my body forced me to swallow them, though I tried to choke on them.

I fought as hard as I could. I tell myself that, but I’m going to Hæl. Sin number one is to consume the flesh of another Human; to become a cannibal. The most recent source of blood on my hands wasn’t a Human, but the Gods would agree that anything that could speak its mind is close enough. Furladra… Have I not served you well? Amelemme, did I not give freely as you asked? Dissida, did I not sacrifice an several entire deer to you for my crimes? Zdenek… Why will you not take me to my Mistress?

Pops evidently thought I’d had enough because he finally stopped committing crimes against all races and threw me to the floor again where I began throwing up pieces of the dense muscle tissue. He just picked me up by an arm and started dragging me out of the shop, but then a screech like a chicken-hawk sounded followed by two more that sounded a little different “Odysseus!”

I was still chucking up pieces of meat and squeezing them out of my throat when Pops dropped me. “Deskit! Old buddy!”

“Odysseus you fuck-kinned’ cattle!” Deskit screeched. “You start beating on patrons in my shop!? You think you can just fuckin’ waste my meat!? You don’t cramSatyr down someone’s fuck-kinthroat! You savor it! You taste it! You appreciate it! I don’t give two fuckin’ shits!” He took a moment to seethe and carried on like he hadn’t stopped. “About who the fuck you are! You do not disrespect me and my bloody meat!”

Deskit was a psychopath too. If he owned A Taste of Evil, then he had to be.

Odysseus bellowed out some laughter and kicked me casually, though the only reason I say ‘casually’ is because he let his hoof rest against me before flinging me into a wall. We were deep into the spacious shop, and I bounced off of the low ceiling before hitting the cobblestone wall, and I think the initial bounce was the main reason I didn’t die. I missed what went on after that because I finally flashed out. I woke up in an unfamiliar bed in an unfamiliar room, but the bones in the walls told me that I was in the Catacombs, and the Mare who was sitting next to me, reading a book, was a familiar face. Maud had sent her off to go get Steely and make him take my blankets to the room I think I only ever actually slept in once.

“Heya.” I muttered, by head aching something fierce, too much to keep my eyes open for more than a few seconds at a time.

“You’re awake.” The Mare said softly. “You don’t know how lucky you are, Mercuria. You really don’t.”

“Don’t feel like it.” I answered a little more softly, my entire body aching and trembling from the pain.

“Bet you don’t.” She conceded. “Doesn’t mean you aren’t. Today was the last day Maud could keep you alive based off of her word. Tomorrow would have been a fight for her, and it wouldn’t have stopped with Fresch and Schrade. After them would have been Odysseus or Kerrick by his proxy, and Kerrick stands a very good chance of winning against your Special Someone himself. Let Odysseus not even be a factor, and you almost lost your life.”

“Made me eat a Satyr. Hæl awaits.” I breathed.

She stroked my cheek, but that didn’t exactly feel good due to the sensitivity of my face. “... Keep your head down and heal up. Odysseus doesn’t want a thing to do with you until you can fight again, but there’s no deadline on that right now.”

I faded out of consciousness and woke up to the sensation of firm lips being pressed against mine. I knew who they belonged to in moments. “Mauble.”

“My dearest Epidote... You pulled through.” She droned, her tone hushed and as gentle as I think her voice could get.

“Wish I’d gone softly.”

“We are rarely afforded that luxury.” She stroked my hair. “You must fight, Epidote. Please fight for me.”

“What’s the damage?”

“... Most of your limbs, ribs and vertebrae are fractured, if not cracked. You have been fed Phedra and Opus Magnate to keep you from dying of shock and to prevent release of marrow into your muscular tissue. Odysseus wanted to give you the best chance of living, but…”

“What are they?” I murmured, laying eyes on her for the first time.

“Phedra is an alchemical solution made for the purpose of purging your body of toxins and ridding it of materials being where they don’t belong. The fragments of bone and the jagged edges would have torn your neural network to pieces without it. It is likely that you will either survive from this ordeal with a higher pain tolerance or live with constant aches due to nerve damage.”

“Opus?”

“... An addictive pain reliever. We will wean you as you heal, but it is not guaranteed that you will recover fully in the next year from having it introduced to your system. Your body seems to be doing a terrible job of metabolising it, so that is a small blessing.”

“Why?”

“If you do not feel withdrawal at this moment, then it is a good sign.” She sighed. "It has been a day since your last dose.”

“I’ll manage without. How long?”

“How long for what?”

“Been down.”

“... A little over a week.” Maud said, her voice dipping. “You have been fighting sickness from eating raw meat as well as healing from your injuries.”

“... Zdenek will guide me.” I said, sending a prayer to Furladra to ask her brother to help me seek what I desired.

“Who is Zdenek, Epidote?”
‘
“God of Death.” And Vengeance. Don't forget vengeance.

“... Please, Dear. I ask that you fight for me.” Maud replied, her voice warbling ever so slightly.

Weakness was wrought throughout my body, but I could move with considerable effort. Maud helped me along the way and took my hand as I tried to offer it to her, and when I opened my eyes to give her a strained smile, I saw tears in her eyes, one of them brutally blackened, though her mouth was still set in a straight line as per the usual. “Can’t keep me down.” I closed my eyes when I chuckled because it hurt. “Pride won’t let me die easy.”

“Have I ever mentioned to you that I enjoy your voice? When we spoke, even of the evils of your Guild, it was enchanting. Your wisdom, your spirit carries in your words. I wish to hear your voice again. I wish to hear it strong once more.”

I squeezed her hand as hard as I could, knowing it wasn’t amounting to much. “Where’d you get the shiner?”

She barked out, “Ha. I was upset with Odysseus when he told me that you defied him. It earned me my bruise.”

“Shows through your fur.”

“Pony fur is unique in that it carries minute, microscopic blood vessels. Cutting it will not make it bleed, but hitting it hard enough will make it bruise. It does not show through my fur.”

“Musta hurt.”

“I only felt it when I woke up.”

I faded out again soon after that, and the next time I woke up, my body felt considerably stronger, which really isn’t saying a damned thing. I could roll onto my side and keep my eyes open for about a minute, but it was still painful to do both. The person sitting in the chair next to my bed this time was the Mare from before, and when she heard/saw me move, she gave me a smile. “Hey there, Mercuria. How are you feeling?”

I cleared my throat and swallowed. “Shitty, but less like cow shit and more like rabbit shit.”

“So instead of a steaming pile it’s more of a firm pellet?” She giggled.

“Exactly.” I wheezed out a couple chuckles. “How long’s it been this time?”

“The last time anyone caught you fully awake was when Maud was here two days ago. You slipped into delirium for awhile.”

“Glad to not recall. How long do I have to get it together?”

“Still no deadline, Merc. You’re getting to be pretty popular around Bonetown with how Odysseus keep raving about your progress. He’s admitted that he expected you to die.”

“Sick bastard.”

“... I can’t disagree in good faith, but I can’t agree because I’m scared.” She chortled weakly.

I nodded and closed my eyes. “It’s not important. He’s still claiming me?”

“... His last couple of sons weren’t disowned either, they just never made it as far as you… Gordat lasted the longest, and he had injuries like yours.”

“How long did he last.”

“Half the time it took for you to come to in the first place. He was a little worse off, but he got Phedra and Opus all the same. Just didn’t save him.” She said sadly, trying to wear a smile.

I sensed a deeper connection in that story, so I decided to ask about it. “You were sweet on him, weren’t you?”

“Like sugar, Merc. Pinch Pull was head Healer back then, and I was his apprentice. At least I got to tell him how I felt, even if he wasn’t there for it.”

“What’s your name, Lover?”

“Tangerine Breeze.”

“Breeze. Sorry for your loss.”

“I’m sorry for your life. Odysseus isn’t going to let you go.” Her eyes filled with tears and she blinked them away.

“... You really hate it here.”

“I wanna go home.” She said thickly. “I’m an Equestrian at heart. Born and raised.”

“How’d you get here?”

“I came with my Mom on a Healer’s Journey, making rounds at underfunded clinics and orphanages. One of the Minosian Princes foalnapped my Mom and I ended up getting recruited by Bite-Back, but we were too late to save her. Now? Now people like us are trapped in a rebellion following the sickest bucker to walk on hooves with no way out.” Breeze wiped away some tears and gave me a smile. “Maud keeps telling me that you could get out. I really hope you do.”

I offered her my hand and she took it. The difference between her and Maud was palpable. Where as Maud hand was sturdy and solid, like two inch thick, velvet covered living leather, Breeze’s hand was delicate and fragile, not unlike Twilight’s. I wondered if Unicorns were just made of softer stuff than Earth Ponies. “I got stuff to do, Breeze. Not overnight, but stuff nonetheless.”

“It’s not worth your life. Not worth living like this, Gauche.”

I chuckled and smirked at her, opening my eyes again. “Fuck said I was gonna live like this? I know it wasn’t me.”

“... Going against Odysseus is suicide. Kerrick and Maud might not like him, but even they can’t go against him. Not even with Steely, Dagger Fall, and Jason.” Breeze said softly. “You might be good, but I was there for your fight. Dagger Fall is the weakest out of them, but he would still kill you after a few minutes.”

“Ye of little faith. Ain’t you never heard of a thief’s will?”

“... Can’t say that I have.” She admitted.

“Furladra might have forsaken me in the moment, but that’s because she has little to do when you’re not sticking things in pockets. Still, all of us who bear her Seal are blessed nonetheless. We never lose a mark.”

“... I don’t wanna watch another decent person die, Gauche. If you’re going to get yourself killed, don't ask me to approve.”

I squeezed her hand. “Ye of little faith.”

She let me go and I pushed myself up to sit, gritting my teeth before Tangerine Breeze put her hand on my shoulder. “Easy, now. Don’t get out of bed until you think you can walk.”

“Took a daubed bolt to the leg once. Poison damn near killed me. I was walking before shit was out of my system.” I grunted, swinging my legs over the side of the bed with 'a little' difficulty since everything hurt.

“Being a tough guy doesn’t matter to me, Gauche. Don't strain yourself.”

“Ha! Half of this bullshit is from not moving for damn near two weeks-”

“Two full weeks and some change.”

“That one, then. Still. Gotta work the kinks out some time.”

“Let me get you some Shaka. It’s a muscle relaxer that ought to help.”

I shook my head. “Sounds like it’ll fuck up my coordination. Gonna need my sea legs for this one.” I put my feet on the cold stone and Breeze helped me hoist myself to my feet. I swayed in place for a few moments while Breeze made sure that I didn’t topple over, but I had some limbering up to do.

She coached me through a few exercises that would help me get my strength back, but before too long, a gnawing ache in my stomach that wasn’t instinct told me that I needed to eat. Breeze asked me if I could stomach a regular meal and I was pretty sure that I could, so she exited the room and apparently sent one of her assistants off to grab my grub because an unfamiliar Tom came back with a bowl of broth and a Cow was close behind with a tray of actual food. I drank the broth and it was honestly pretty good. Chicken broth was always a favourite of mine whenever I could find a shop that sold it plain with salt and pepper, and the tray didn’t have any red meat on it, so I didn’t puke. The very thought of beef, pork, goat, venison; all of it, makes me sick to my stomach. I doubt I’ll ever be able to eat a steak again, but apparently poultry is still on the menu, which is great because I love foie gras, even if it’s not from a force-fed fowl. Duck liver is just tasty, but that has little to do with anything. Recovery was shaping up to be slow, but my mind was working the entire time I was lucid.

No one crosses Garrison Varas and gets away kosher. No one.

Author's Notes:

And this one was another fun chapter to write. The tone shift between Twilight's day and Gauche's was great reading back through it.