I opened my eyes to find a world of grey waiting for me again, but this time, I was in the same forest I’d been in when I’d had the dream about the Hælhounds. I heard them bay in the distance, knowing that I had little time to escape them. I found my sanctuary in a tree that I could actually shimmy up, but by the time I got high enough in the branches to avoid being devoured, the Hounds were raising Hæl (Heh. Raising Hæl. Because they’re- Nevermind.) I didn’t have it in me to laugh at them since I knew how dangerous they were, but as I looked down from the branch I was resting on, a searing pain shot through my left leg, causing my foot and a decent part of the leg to fall off, heading down to where the Haelhounds waited for their next meal. My turquoise blood sluiced down and gave the mutts something to drink while they were tearing each other apart to get at my foot.

Things were already looking bad, but I didn’t know what else I could possibly do. Then it all hit me at once and I remembered what had happened before I’d ended up in the monochromatic world: Ladesa had slain me like a sow for the sake of something or other, but as I recalled the moment I looked at her face and saw how much pain she was in, I wondered what the Hæl would have made her kill me. I didn’t like the way things were looking since I was, y’know, probably in Hæl, but I tried to think of something that would end better for me than getting torn apart by rabid Haelhounds. Sadly, I couldn’t really think of anything, so I was relegated to hanging around on my branch until I faded out from blood loss, which I hoped would bring me back to the world of the living through some lucky coincidence. When I opened my eyes to find myself surrounded by Haelhounds on the forest floor, I remembered what Max said about hope.

Fuck hope.

It didn’t take them any time at all for the feeding frenzy to start, but instead of dying when felt one of them rip my throat out, I was forced into a Haelish Purgatory of constant death and pain while my body was being divvied up between a shitton of hungry bastards that made every bite feel like it lasted millennia. I had a mouth, but I couldn’t scream anyway since my face was being eaten and my bones cracked for the marrow inside. Eventually the mangey pieces of shit had their fill of me and my being, but the damage was already done to my psyche, and being eaten alive had fucked me up like nothing else before. I was the Satyr woman in that moment, but I knew that we each had our own versions of Hæl that we probably thought were worse than the other’s. I was willing to bet that mine was marginally worse since I had to die multiple times, and my foot kept getting fucking eaten instead of only being eaten once, so yeah. I figured I got the worse end of the deal, especially since my failure to live spelled certain doom for Equis.

As you might have guessed, I spent a great many years in that forest being eaten and running for my life when my body would allow it. Every time I managed to get to safety, I would have a limb fall off and I would eventually die of blood loss, or if I didn’t manage to find safety in time, I was either eaten or suffered from the kindness of a Hælhound’s lust, which is something I still don’t talk about, years upon years after the fact. It took me over two hundred days, but I eventually came to the point where I started fighting the Haelhounds instead of letting them brutalize me, and when I did, things started getting much better for me rather than having everything always suck all the time. By my first year in the grey world (At least I thought it was about a year), I was already able to kill two of the Haelhounds that attacked whenever they did. Their numbers never shrank though, so I had to keep my wits about me and continue growing stronger as I had to, though there was little in the way of weaponry or anything of the sort to help me learn how to be more deadly.

As my time doubled and then lead to a tripling, I found out a little secret about the Haelhounds: They would die if I struck the glowing center in the exposed ribcage, which was a beautiful thing to know since it only took me a month after that to stop being plagued by Haelhounds, and by that I mean that they no longer attacked me. The last time I fought the Haelhounds, I’d managed to kill all of them with some decently lime-sucking wounds to go along with my victory, but the main thing was that for the first time in about three years, I was actually hungry. As starved as I was, I didn’t give a shit about the rotten, potentially deadly meat that was on the corpses that surrounded me on all sides and instead focused on using the one knife I’d been allowed (Some random tool I’d never seen before going into The Grey) and started cutting out chunks of their flesh as they’d done to me before I realized that they’d never offered me the kindness of using anything other than their teeth, so I gave them the same courtesy.

I ate like an animal, the Hælhound’s black blood covering my entire front as I feasted upon their salty, spoiled meat like it was the last meal I’d ever have, but instead of being sated after demolishing the majority of one, I was still starving, so I reached into its ribcage and ripped out the punctured remnants of its heart and ate that too, which actually made me feel like I’d put something on my stomach. I went around and ate all of them down to the bloody bone, just like they’d done to me, and I topped my meal off every time with their hearts, as delicious as they were. While the rest of their meat was pure trash, the lovely centers of their beings were like eating cream ice on a hot day, and it settled nicely on my stomach on top of that, so I definitely went hunting for more of the Haelhounds since I was confident that I could take as many on as I needed to in order to keep my stomach full.

However, the next time I ran into a bunch of Hælhounds, the biggest among them strolled up to me at a light canter and yipped a few times before running around me like a pup.
It was a strange thing, but it was so odd that my hatred of everything Hælhound was shunted to the side in favour of an odd fascination with the creatures actions. The hound came to a stop by my right side and barked three times at me, looking up in anticipation, though it didn’t have far to look since the creature was every bit of five feet and ten inches, if not just six feet flat. I didn’t know what to do about my friendly murder-hound, so I patted its head and it barked again, trying to get me to pet it. With nothing else to do other than wander aimlessly looking for my next completely unnecessary meal, I pet the Hælhound like it was a common dog and the rest of the hounds started coming closer, most of them coming close enough to get my scent and leave shortly after. There was another Hælhound that kept trying to sniff my crotch, so I pushed that one away until the big Hælhound, which I named Mark, tore its head off and ate it.

I waited for Mark to finish with the head and watched him carefully, though I thought of how ‘he’ could’ve be a ‘she’ and I wouldn’t know since I’d never actually seen a Hælhound with genitals, just felt their protrusion. When Mark was done with his meal, he looked up at me and I looked down at him, pointing to myself, then at the corpse with the still glowing heart. Mark nodded a few times in a doggy-dog way, so I reached in and seized the creatures core, locking eyes with Mark as I did so. He looked away and looked back at me, his rotted ears flicking in the way that canine ears tend to. I shrugged and ripped the creatures core out and took a bite of it before offering the rest to my new friend. He gave it a sniff and sneezed, turning his head and backing away while I ate the thing like it was an apple that poured orange and gold juice down my chin.

With my meal taken care of, I looked at Mark and said, “Mark.”

Mark replied with, “Boof!”

I nodded. “Where?”

Mark didn’t answer that time and just picked up to start walking somewhere else, so I followed him because, and you might hear me say this a few times, but I didn’t have anything else to do. In The Grey, the never-ending light and darkness made time completely irrelevant, and I hadn’t done much more than speak to myself and ‘train’ on a ‘daily’ basis for the past three or so years, so it was nice to have a companion that seemed rather loyal from the beginning, though I think the forest might have just been recognizing my strength at that point because I’d killed so many damn Hælhounds. While on the topic, I’d kept count of how many hounds had met their end at the end of my stick or at the tip of my knife and I’d counted over a hundred kills before I gave up and started remembering them by how many wounds they left on me.

It’d been some time since I’d gotten hurt, so my wounds were closed by the time Mark lead me to a cave that had dozens upon dozens of Haelhounds milling about, and as we came closer and closer, I noticed that only a few of the hounds paid me any mind, and even then I only earned a cursory glance or the odd sniff as we passed them. Mark took me into the cave where the odd lighting persisted, and as we came to the deeper recesses, we both had to stoop until I was crawling and Mark was slurking along. The pass did decide to open up, much to my pleasure. Ten minutes straight of crawling on my hands and knees rather sucked, but when Mark let me get out of the little tunnel and into the antechamber of the room he’d brought me to, my jaw dropped and I went from standing to sitting back on my knees, horror and awe over taking me.

It was a shrine to me.

Made of me.

I didn’t know for sure, but in the turquoise room, there were bodies hanging from the ceiling and posted on the walls as if stuck there by some kind of magical epoxy that wouldn’t let them fall, but all of the bodies had the same thing in common, and that’s the fact that they were all obviously torn apart at some point or the other, and they looked to be stitched together by the hand of a mad seamstress of some kind. I couldn’t believe my eyes at the sight of all of the times I’d died, but when I heard soft, malevolent, unsettling giggling, I knew without a doubt that I’d finally completed whatever it was that I needed to do, and I knew that because Dissida’s laughter was unmistakable. Every Terran has a dream of her on their eleventh birthday, and she’ll happily tell you about the ills that will befall you in the near future and you can hear her laugh as you try to avoid them. The woman might be beyond mad, but I had a certain amount of hope that she could help me get out of her realm. It equalled to about a quarter of a percentage when I totalled everything out since hope was pointless, but still.

While I was sat deciding whether I wanted to throw up or start laughing, I heard footsteps start coming toward me and turned my gaze to face the source of said steps. As it turned out, Dissida was every bit as ugly as the legends foretold her to be, and her angry, cracked, crimson skin only made her look like an even more hideous abomination. Her arms ended in boneless fingers that reminded me of the tentacles of an octopus, just split into four, and her feet ended in reptilian claws that were shiny and looked blood soaked. Her wings were Dæmonic at best and looked like they wouldn’t be able to support real flight, but I’d learned to suspend my disbelief in time while working in The Grey. It didn’t surprise me that I was actually in Hæl, but what did surprise me was the vibrance of the colours that were in the room. Everything looked amazingly clear, unlike how it looked in the forest. When everything’s grey, the world seems to be a lot less focused, like everything’s in a pair of fuzzy spectacles. However, looking at Dissida, I knew that I was about to be in for a thrill.

“... Wotcher.” I said quietly, my voice not used to being used after going so long without really saying anything.

“Wotcher indeed little boy! Ah, it was so fun to see you survive, adapt, and overcome!” Dissida replied, her voice like broken glass in my ears.

“I’m sure it was. Is there a reason I’m here?”

Dissida smiled. “You’re here because your precious Goddess sold you out! She’s being punished for breaking her own code, but it’s just great to finally have my hands on you, Gary-Boy! Ah, ya know what? I only bartered to have you for a thousand years, but I think I’ll see if I can go and convince Furladra to let me keep you as my own little pet!”

“Yeah, no. Why do you want me as your pet?” I asked, not liking where the everything was going.

Dissida glared at me. “You destroyed one of my keeps, you utter arsewipe. And you took out one of the few followers I had on a different planet, so yeah. I want you to die and beg for the Void.” She growled.

“It looks like your Hælhounds like me.” I said flatly, preparing to take Mark out at a moment’s notice.

The Queen of War and Chaos snorted. “So? They might be some of my preferred creatures, but you just haven’t seen the nights of the forest yet. Believe me when I say that you’re either going to have to learn to speak hound or you’re going to find yourself at the claws of my pretty kitties-”

“Wanna fuck?” I asked.

Dissida blinked. “... You what?”

“Wanna fuck?”

“What?”

“Do you want to have sex?”

“... I’m threatening you with six hundred more years of being ripped apart and eaten scrap by scrap.” She said slowly.

“I’m offering to have sex with you.” I replied just as slowly.

“You’re willing to fuck me.” Dissida said.

I nodded. “That I am.”

“You, a man that could have had Furladra, want me.”

“That’s what I’ve been implying, Dissida. Are you thick?”

“I’ll geld you.” She snarled, her cheeks turning purple for some odd reason.

“I’ll fuck you.” I responded harshly.

“Oh yeah?” Dissida marched up to me, her pointed tail whipping angrily from side to side.

I stormed over to her and said, “Fuckin’ yeah! What of it, bitch!?”

She didn’t waste any time in snogging me, though I tried to pull away when I felt her trident-tongue try to go past my tonsils and down into my esophagus. It was an odd, creepy feeling that I wasn’t all that fond of, but Dissida’s lips were actually kinda tasty. That is, if you find the metallic taste of copper to be tasty. She let me go and gave me a hot, lustful look. “Alright, Lover-Boy, this is how this is going to go: You’re going to get me off at least three times and you’ll leave with your soul once your milennium is up. Hæl, do a good enough job and I might let you-”

I ended her words with more snogging, every one of my instincts telling me that I was sticking my dick in absolute madness, but I ignored the feeling for the sake of coming out of The Grey period. “Dissida, I’m about to fuck you senseless.”

She gave me a dark smile. “Good.”

I didn’t give Dissida anymore time to talk, and I stopped her from wasting my time by returning her favour from earlier by doing my best to shove my tongue down her throat, which made Dissida grunt, so I backed off a little and came back for another kiss that was a lot more mild. It took a few minutes, but as I started palming Dissida’s firm, dense breasts, she moaned into my mouth and I felt her tail wrap around one of my legs to keep me from going too far away. I didn’t know if I liked the gesture much or the situation, but I do know that when Dissida’s hand caressed my member, I was more than a little confused by her gentleness, especially since she’d been so upset with me all of two minutes ago.

I parted from our kiss and Dissida gave me a pouty look that was ruined by the horrible catastrophe that was her face. “Why’d you stop, Lover-Boy?”

“Do you have a bed in here?” I asked.

“What’s wrong with the floor?” She asked, furrowing her brow.

“... Do you sleep on the floor?” I asked.

“I sleep on my Hælhounds.” She answered.

“Can you make a bed? You’ll prefer it, trust me.”

Dissida rolled her eyes and then there was bed off to my left. I lead her over to it, and as luck would have it, she’d made the bed feel something akin to a soft brick. I didn’t have to lie down on it, so it wasn’t really my problem, but I did notice that Dissida seemed to get a little nervous the closer she got to the bed. I offered her my hand once I was on it and gave her a mild smile to help calm her nerves since the psycho bitch was probably a virgin, as a result of her being a psycho of course, so I was willing to bet that I was going to have my work cut out for me. Once she clambered up onto the bed, I had her help me strip off my clothing and noticed Mark leaving the room the same way we’d come in out of the corner of my eye, but I wasn’t really worried about it. What I was worried about was the fact that I might be dealing with something with no experience in sex other than the rough stuff that I might not be able to get into, but I still needed to survive somehow, and fucking my warden seemed like a great way to get myself out of harm’s way.

I kept up the kisses and gentle strokes as I slowly worked Dissida into a state where she would be more malleable, more receptive to whatever my mind could dig up from the past, and as I did so, she released more and more moans that increased and decreased from time to time until I finally brought my hand down to her dripping wet sex and stroked her lips. I was surprised to find that her quim felt as if it were a pair of fingers curved to fit the form of a vagina, that’s how solid she felt. Dissida was like an elephant in a vaguely Human form, but as for the scent of her arousal, I found it to be a bit of a turn off, but not enough to keep me from snogging her with my eyes closed, her hand around my member. The smoothness of her digits surprised me a good deal, and it was a pleasant feeling as her tentacles wrapped around my length and slowly stroked me as I stroked her honeypot in turn.

“Dissida.” I murmured sensually, nibbling on her neck.

“Mmm~ Yes?” She replied dreamily.

“Lay back and prepare yourself. The first three are coming soon.”

“Hmm?”

“Just lay back, Lover-Girl.” I gave her one last smooch and backed off a bit.

Dissida gave me a suspicious look, but she did as I asked. “It’s been awhile, so you’d better keep that in mind.” She said unconvincingly.

I put my face between her scarily scaly legs and kissed her left thigh. “Did you feel that at all?”

“Nope. Benefits of scales.” She sighed happily.

I kissed her exposed, horn-like clitoris next and she gasped loudly before letting loose a slow, low moan that sounded like she’d just gotten off. “... Dissida? Did you just-”

“I-It’s just been awhile!” She stuttered, trying to breathe.

I popped her nubbin into my mouth and swirled my tongue around it for a few seconds, making Dissida go ramrod straight and scream in bliss the entire time I licked and sucked on her horny little protrusion. It tasted like copper, as did her vagua (Vaginal Agua), but I didn’t mind the sharp, tangy taste as I made Dissida cum time and time again by simply nibbling, sucking, and licking her clitoris. There was a point where I had to grab her thighs and keep them spread apart so she wouldn’t crush my head, but other than that, it wasn’t the worst pussy I’d eaten by far. No, Rebecca still holds that honor. That woman truly did taste like she smelled, and she smelled like raw, pungent onions.

It was a different, hornier time in my life, okay? It’s not like I finished after I got a taste anyways.

I continued eating Dissida like my life depended on it, but even when I managed to slip a finger into her tight slit, it was too much for her to bear. She weakly grabbed my hair, but she didn’t pull me or push me, so I didn't know if she wanted me to continue or not since she couldn’t actually say words at the moment. However, I didn’t need her to be coherent at the time, so I continued on as I pleased because I pleased. I actually kind of enjoyed having such a receptive partner when it came to the acrobatics I was performing with my tongue, but I was hoping to get off and get gone without further death.

In any case, by the time I was ready to actually ready to give Dissida some dick, she begged, “Please! It’s too much, just stop!” Through her rapid breaths and panting, Dissda let out a shaky sob. “Dear Allfather above, just let it stop!”

I saw an opportunity and seized it by the clitoris. Specifically Dissida’s. “So who’s the boss now?”

She glared at me with pink tears in her eyes. “I-I’ll let you go! You can have your soul back!”

I pinched her nubbin and she cried out, trying in vain to close her legs, but when she did, she just increased the pressure and spread her reptilian legs as far as they would go. “I want a little more than just something that was mine in the first place, Dissida.”

“Urrg! What!? What do you want!?” She cried desperately.

I thought as fast as I possibly could and considered the options I had in my hands at that moment. Dissida would most likely swear to whatever I asked of her if I promised to stop before she could be any worse off, so I thought of things I wanted. I needed a bow worthy of using, so I said, “I need a bow of some kind. What can you offer me?”

“Oooh~ We’ll look for something in my hoard whenever you stop!”

“Just a little longer, Dissy.” I said teasingly. “The next thing I want is some power. I like power.”

“I’ll grant you a title!” She shouted. “Just let go of me!”

“One last thing, Dissy.”

“Ugh! What did I ever do to you!?” Dissida yelled.

I wrenched her clitoris because that pissed me off more than a little bit, making her cry out in agonized bliss for a full thirty seconds, her voice petering out into pathetic sobs when I finally eased up on the pressure. “Do I need to remind you of the fact that your little doggies have spent more time tearing me to shreds than I’ve spent killing people? How long have I even been here?”

“F-Four hundred years.” She said shakily.

“... How would you like to make a deal, Dissida?”

“Anything! Name your terms!”

“Anything?” I increased the pressure slightly and rolled her clitoris between my fingers.

She gasped for breath as she said, “O-On H-Heavensholm, I swear! O-On th-the Lake of E-Eternity, I-I swear! Please!”

“From this point on, you are mine.” I rumbled. “Every moment I’ve spent here is how long you’ll spend underneath my wing, and you will perform the blood oath.”

Dissida stared at me for but a few seconds before the pink tears in her eyes began to fall and her sobbing began in earnest. “No! No! Why!? Why did I let him seduce me!?”

I finally let her clitoris go and crawled up next to her, “Do you want to know what your first order is, Dissida?”

Tears flowed freely from her eyes as she tried to control her sobbing, which made me grin. “Your first order is to kiss me. Your second order is to make some pillows, and your third order is to let me touch your tail.”

Dissida blinked and stared at me in confusion as I cleared the viscous tears from her cracked, scaly cheeks. “... You don’t want… Release?”

“I’ve never been too crazy about sex, to be honest with you, and I’m no rapist. What all do you think I’m going to make you do, Dissida?” I asked amusedly.

“... I assume that you… Well, I kinda assumed that you were going to pull a Bradley of Amestris and capture me so you could do unsavory things to me and use my power for world domination.” She blinked a couple of times.

“Yeah, no. I just want a few boons, maybe a couple of tools here and there to help me in my daily life. Granted, I don’t like the idea of slavery, but enslaving you and treating you well seems like a good way to make you less sadistic.”

“It’s my nature, Garrison.” Dissida said plainly.

“Then let’s see if we can change your nature. For starters, get my bodies out of here. It’s creepy.”

She sighed and the bodies started falling from where they were, disappearing upon impacting the floor. “Fine. It’s done.”

“The pillows?”

Pillows of all shapes and sizes started raining down. “Done. What else?”

“We can do the kiss and the tail at the same time.” I said casually.

Dissida’s freaky tail wrapped around my hand and I stroked it with my thumb, surprised by the smooth, felt-like texture of it as Dissida tenderly kissed me. “Done and done. Now what?”

“Now we relax.” I pushed a bunch of the pillows to the headboard and laid against them, sighing as I did so.

The Goddess I’d just finished torturing laid next to me, but she was sure not to actually touch me. “... It’s too soft.”

“Feel free to make yourself comfortable, just don’t fuck with my side.” I replied, surprised at the submission in Dissida’s voice.

“Right… Sir? May I speak freely?” She asked, doubling down on the surprise factor.

“Um… Yeah, go ahead.”

“I’ve been speaking to Furladra. She doesn’t want to renege on the deal…” Dissida said nervously.

“... So I’m here for the full thousand years?”

“... I’ll be indebted to you for a thousand years…” Dissida murmured morosely.

“You act as if I plan on interrupting your life every day.”

“You mean you’re not going to show me off around Heavensholm?” She asked, sounding far less anxious.

“Dissida, you put me through Hæl, but I got used to it. Came out stronger because of it. As far as I’m concerned, your debt’ll be paid with gifts rather than services and punishments.” I said, my eyes still closed as I rested for the first time in four hundred fucking Gods-be-damned years.

I felt Dissida’s slippery tentacles poke the back of my hand, and when I looked over to her, she was giving me a confused look. “I don't get you.”

“I don’t get me. My life was weird anyway.”

“You’re telling me, Master.” She sighed. “Should I stay here with you, or am I free to do as I please until you beckon for me?”

“Prithee, feel free to do as you please within reason. Just don’t plot against me or help anyone else do so, if you wouldn’t mind too terribly.”

Dissida nodded. “I can do that. Sieg should be on his way back to keep you company or to lead you back into the forest if you so desire.”

“I ought to get back to passing the time then. If you’re ever in the mood for one or two small climaxes, let me know and I’ll stop before you start begging.”

“... ‘Thank you’ isn’t a phrase I’ve said in many years. Not sincerely, at least.”

“Feel free to hold onto it for awhile longer then.” I climbed out of bed since I didn’t want to get too comfy. If I stopped for too long, I had a feeling that I wasn’t going to want to get up and join Mark for some hunting.

“You’re an odd creature, Gary.” Dissida closed her eyes and snapped her fingers once. “Varas Tuuli. A partir deste momento, você será conhecido como Soldado das Chamas. You’re now a Soldier of the Flames. Congratulations.” She snapped her fingers twice. “Sieg will show you to my Armory. You already know that what’s mine is yours.”

“Victus. Is there anything you need from me before I head out?” I asked for politeness sake.

Dissida gave me a long, blank look. “... Would you actually do anything I asked you to?”

“Depends on what it is.”

“Bring me back a branch of a tree.”

“A twig or a good sized branch?”

“Anything will do.”

I nodded. “As you wish. Stay pretty, Dissy.”

She sighed. “It’s gonna be the longest six hundred years of my life.”

“At least you weren’t enslaved by an arsehole.”

“An arsehole would’ve let go after he got his first demand in.” She grunted.

“His first demand might have made you into a sex slave.”

“Might is shite and maybe’s for babies.” She snorted.

“What happened to the subservience?” I asked, raising a brow.

She sighed. “It’s easier when you’re closer to me. I can feel my oaths weighing me down when you’re nearer.”

I shrugged. “As long as you don’t kill me or some shit we’ll be fine, I guess.”

Dissy nodded and I went over to the entrance to the inner sanctum because there was no reason for me to stay behind. I’d talked myself out pretty quickly, and I had no idea what I was doing anyway, so I didn’t want to stay behind and find out that Dissida was searching for me to slip up and say something dumb so she could strike me down with a vengeance. I didn’t want that to happen, nor did I want to find out what exactly she had in store for me now that I’d made a power play and found myself protected from Hæl’s creatures. As I crawled through the tunnel, I thought about what had gone on in the past four hundred years and wondered why it had only felt like a fraction of the time, though I suppose when the day never ends or begins and you’re running for slash fighting for your life and well being all the time makes the time really fly by. It was certainly an interesting thought for introspection on a later date, but for the time being, I was nose to nose with Mark and we were trying to figure out how to get out of the damned tunnel.

We finally managed to get his big, furry arse out of my way, and when we did, I had Mark take me to the Armory so I could pick out my bow, but when we got there, all thoughts of a silly, plain old bow were thrust out of my mind and I was tempted to ask Dissida if I could really take my pick from the thousands of weapons that were on display. I meandered past gilded swords and rusty hunks of sharp iron, shining steel that would slice through bone and pitted balls of metal on the end of a stick. Bows aplenty lined every wall, and crossbows had their places wherever they needed to be, but the thing that caught my interest the most was the wall of guns upon guns upon guns that were lined up on one of the walls. I took a few of them down to inspect them more closely.

At first glance the black number I’d taken down struck me as the best piece in the pile, so to speak, but my gut told me that I could get something better, so I trusted my instincts and combed the walls for something else that might catch my eye. Another gun, a gilded one that seemed more expensive than any operable gun had any right to be, piqued my interest before I saw that it was a matchlock piece of rubbish. My search continued until I found an unusual looking pistol that didn’t look like any of the others. Instead of having a clear ram-rod or anything of the sort, I had to pull a small lever on the back of the gun to cock it, which was odd because the gun also had a lever next to the trigger that moved, which is when I realized that I was probably holding a piece of technology more advanced than any seen in Avalesce outside of a tinkerer’s shoppe or a university of some kind.

I decided that I was going to keep the multi-shot pistol, and since I’d named the stick I’d been carrying since I stopped dying to Haelhounds immediately after finding them, I figured I’d name the gun as well. My stick’s name was Henry, so I named the gun Pamaus because I intended on keeping it. The stick could rot on the floor for all I cared since there were a hundred other sticks that could do Henry’s job, and when I found a quarterstaff (I named her Doug), I left Henry in her place. Why did I name a female Doug? It’s short for Douglerina, of course.

Anyway…

So I searched on and Mark brought me a box full of odd little things that didn’t really make sense to me until I realized that they probably went into the gun since they were tipped with lead. I just wondered what the casings were made of once I actually figured out that they were rounds of some sort, but I didn’t let that interrupt me for too long. After I finally figured out how to load the gun, I unloaded it and went through that process a couple of times to familiarize myself with the process, and once I’d bored Mark to sleep, I continued looking around for a bow since arrows are reusable and bullets just so happen to not have that precious little quality.

During my search, I went back to the gun station and found a fitting holster for my new firearm, and when I went over to the bow portion of the ranged wall, I found myself growing more and more certain that I didn’t need a bow per se, but rather just something that could fling an arrow. I decided on a crossbow since I have more practice with them than an actual bow, but much to my surprise, I didn’t have to look very hard to find one that I was absolutely in love with. The crossbow that I named Timothy was beautiful to say the least, but to say more than the least, he was magnificent. The polish on the stock was perfect and didn’t reflect too much light, but still looked nice, while the arms folded down so that it could be concealed more easily. I also liked that the bolts that fit into the flight groove were all dark and seemed like they’d take to a daub just fine if I ever needed them to, though I couldn’t say that poison would be useful in a world where everything that died eventually came back to life anyway.

When I was done, I almost left the room without Mark, but then I remembered something else: My knife was shit and dull from strenuous usage over the years and was pretty much only good for stabbing at this point, so I went back and looked at the one-hand edged section of the blade wall and got to searching for a good knife since everyone needs a good knife. I ended up taking two because there was a dagger belt just lying around and Dissida had said that whatever was hers was mine, so I snatched up Carey and Ballsy before waking Mark so we could go hunting for something tastier than Hælhound hearts. We left the Armory and headed out of the cave system shortly thereafter, and when got outside, Mark let loose three short, loud barks that had a lot of the Hæl Hounds stepping up and forming around us. Then he lead the way into the forest and I followed him at the sedated pace he set because it was a good way to pass the time.

After hours upon hours of walking, we came across a creature that I hadn’t seen in my four hundred years of being in The Grey, though I suppose I should technically call it Hæl. I just expected there to be more fire and brimstone in Hæl, but I’ll take what I can get when it comes to eternal punishment, I guess. Speaking of eternal punishment, the creature in front of us was a fucking massive bear of some kind, and when I say massive, I mean that this Godsdamned Hælbear was at least fifteen feet tall. It could have been twenty feet tall for all I knew, but either way, I had a feeling that neither the bolts from my recently acquired crossbow nor the tiny little bullets from my gun would do much good, so I stuck next to Mark and waited for him to make a move. The son of a bitch looked at me expectantly and kept looking between me and the bear before letting his tongue loll out of his mouth like he didn’t know exactly what he was doing.

“Dammit, Mark.” I muttered. “You tracked it here, didn’t you?”

Mark gave me a pup-eating grin.

“Fuck off you mangy fleabag.”

He nudged me with his head, his hairless tail wagging.

“Fuckin’... Ugh, why is my life like this?” I murmured to myself. “Fucking fine. We hunt the Hælbear, then we not go kill shit. How’s that?”

Mark tilted his head at me.

“... Fair enough. Not like there’s anything else to do.” I said, getting Tim ready to be
loaded.

Mark nodded and looked back at the bear, waiting for me to make my move. Thankfully it didn't take long for me to get my first shot with Timothy off, and much to my surprise, the shot was exactly where I wanted to place it, but it’s not like it really mattered. The ursine was pissed like I’d taken a dump on its salmon or something, and it let its fury be known through and earth-shaking roar that made my bones feel funny. For the millionth time since I’d been in The Grey, I wondered what the fuck in my life had brought me to where I was at that point in time. The next thing I did while the bear was looking for the thing that was pissing it off was unload all six rounds I had in Pam before loading as many as I could all over again. The bear’s face had become black and one of the glowing orbs in its eyes had gone out, but other than that, the big bitch was still going strong and showed no signs of stopping anytime soon either, so I looked at Mark.

“Now what do we do?”

He barked and looked at me expectantly.

I looked at the bear. I looked at Mark. “You’ve gotta be fuckin’ kiddin’ me right now.”

He barked twice.

“... I hate you so much and you can’t even talk. Fuck motheringly lovely.” I sighed, shaking my head and rolling my eyes.

Mark barked one more time and got off of his lazy arse a few seconds after I started circling the bear since it had figured out that the loud noises correlated with the pain in its face. I drew Carey because I wanted something big, and I kept Pam in my off hand, just in case I needed to do a quick swap and not get blasted in the butthole. Once I was behind the bear, I let loose six more rounds into its backside, making it roar some more. The horribly deformed thing now had a bleeding arse as well as a bleeding face, and as it turned to get a look at me, I knew it wouldn’t find me because I’d already taken cover in a bush some distance away, never quite allowing the bear to turn toward me. While it was busy looking for me, I was busy taking stock of how many rounds I had left. I’d filled two of my pouches until they’d barely clasp, but I wasn’t sure if I’d brought the right kind of firepower to the fight since the big ol’ bastard didn’t seem to be slowing down at all. I decided to try one more time with Pamaus, and with some decent circling, I managed to drop three shots into its neck and two more into its throat, but what I was mostly loving was how bloody accurate and consistent the gun was. It was honestly a surprise to me that a firearm could be shot with such precision, but then again, I’d always been a good shot with a wheellock and a better one with a snaphance, so either way I was doing better than most would have. However, missing would have been a little harder to do than I make it sound since the bear was both big and fatter than thge fuck.

When I emptied the pistol, I drew Ballsy and decided to encroach for the kill, but thankfully I didn’t actually have to do it alone. Mark came bounding in from nowhere followed by three of his pack members, attacking the bear all at the same time. Hælhound met Hælbear and the howling slash roaring that ensued was absolutely deafening. Nothing of the sort had ever happened before to my knowledge, so I raced for with my adrenaline surging to become a part of the action. Over my hundreds upon hundreds of deaths, I’d grown to love the thrill of a good fight or flight moment, and ever since I started winning them, I started liking them even more. It was a great opportunity to play Knight and Dragon, but the Dragon was a Dæmonic bear and the Knight actually lived by some manner of chivalry, unlike the Avalesch Knights I knew. Most of those fuckers were just happy to not be peasants, and a lot of them were so happy about that, they occasionally strolled the streets and slayed a person or two when the Bobbles were watching to make sure that they didn’t get fucked up in turn.

The Hælbear focused on the attackers that seemed the most pertinent at the time, so I had free reign to use my knives to climb onto its back. I made my handholds count for everything that they were worth since I didn’t want to fucking die, but when the bear reared up on its hind legs, I threw myself off of it and rolled as far away as I could as fast as I could possibly manage. The loud impact of the bear hitting the ground back first was a good enough reminder of the fact that the thing would most likely break me if it so much as laid a paw on me, so I tried Milkyboy tactics and circled the bear all over again, working with the hounds to keep it snapping at nothing while the injuries piled up. Eventually the bear started slowing down, and with that, Mark leapt in for its throat and I leapt for its back yet again, but this time I was able to get all the way to its spine and wedge Carey in between two of its lower vertebrae, making it’s hind legs go limp as it let loose the most ear-shattering roar yet.

Luckily, that roar must have taken the last of its strength since the Hælbear fell flat and threw me off of it aways, but I was fine enough to get back up and go claim my prize. The ursine’s core was actually protected by its ribcage, so I had to break of a little bit of that, but once I did, I was able to get its core, which was only slightly different from the Hælhounds’. The bear’s core was larger and more vibrant, and when I bit into it, I could’ve sworn that it was a little salty on top of being sweet, though I’d have to say that it was like biting into a salty caramel-fruit of some kind. It was actually quite delicious, so I ate the whole thing then and there because I can be an actual savage sometimes. Once I was done with my meal, I located Mark around the corpse of the bear and waited nearby for him to take us somewhere else for another kill, but first we had to feed the pack.

Two months had passed since I’d made my relationship with Fluttershy official, though we’d still yet to have sex, and I think that it’s because Fluttershy’s too shy to ask and I’m not that much of a horndog. That being said, Fluttershy was with Twilight for the day, again, because it was just another one of Twilight’s bad days. It was usually Fluttershy and I who went over to check up on her since Spike thought we were the best at calming her down, but at the moment? I didn’t want to hear Twilight cry and beat herself up over Garrison’s abrupt disappearance and probable death since it just didn't strike me as something I needed to go over again. Twilight’s guilt wasn’t eating at her as bad these days, but still. Garrison had more of an affect on Twilight than either of them knew, and I wondered if that cock-sucker even knew what the fuck he was putting Twilight and Ladesa through.

As I sat in Fluttershy’s living room (She says the house is mine too, but fuck that noise), relaxing on Harry’s back, I wondered about Garrison. Hell, I wondered about Max too since he didn’t seem to be bothered by anything anymore. The last time I saw him was a few days before I found myself chilling on Harry and he’d seemed relaxed and easy-going rather than anxious and broody like he’d been since he brought me to Equis. I casually puffed on the pipe Fluttershy got me for our Monthaversary and wondered why Max always dodged whatever questions anyone had about Garrison. Well, dodged or flat out refused to answer. It was a little weird that the guy who’d told me the secrets of the universe during a particularly long smoking session would keep the deets on Garrison from me, but it’s not like I’m one of his wives and don’t comprehend that some shit just needs to stay silent until the time comes.

Speaking of, I got to meet the original Twilight over the last month, and that was so cool! Like, I’d chronicle the meeting, but I only got to see her for maybe a minute, and she was talking to Max in a bubble during that minute, so I don’t even know what she sounds like, but I do know that she was sexier than a fuck (Not as sexy as Fluttershy, of course), and if she’s Max’s wife, then she’s been to Hellenbach with the guy. I couldn’t and still can’t imagine some of the stories that woman could tell me since Max is old as fuck and she’s not much younger, relatively speaking. Other than that, however, not much was going on in my life other than the fact that Rarity’s and Fluttershy’s loaded parents hooked me up with some starter scratch to get my shop up and running all over again, and that’s actually been kinda fun.

With Twilight out of the world’s events half the time, I can go anywhere in her little library that I want most of the time, and when she’s not paying attention, I even get to skim a few of the personal books she borrowed from Celestia herself. That being said, I still can’t really ‘spellcast’, but my Artificery has really taken off. I mean, if business keeps going like it has been and I keep getting all this free advertisement from Celestia, I’ll probably be rich soon. I get to charge whatever I want because I’m the best Artificer in a hundred mile radius, and even then it’s a little sketchy on whether or not anyone outside of that radius can top my own pioneered brand of Magic.

Oh? I didn’t tell you? No, of course I didn’t tell you! I was waiting for this exact moment to say that I found a way to blend Alchemy, Runic, Blood, and Aetherial Magicks all into one little talisman. I wanna go over that, so I’m going to go over that right now. One day after Garrison decided to up and skedaddle-skedoodle, I started fucking around with some Blood Magic in the back of my shop late at night. It was one of the few nights I actually spent apart from Fluttershy, so I was willing to get wild on this one, but just because I spent it apart from Fluttershy doesn’t mean I was alone. Shade Rose piped in from time to time to give me tips on how to maximize my output while minimizing my input, so through my adept slash decent enough understanding of the runic language and what all every stroke of the ATD does, we managed to craft an Alchemical Rune with the center design being the signs of the Sun and Moon. It had taken a while to get the whole thing engraved into a sheet of metal, but it was well worth the time, because the metal meant that we could fill the rune with blood and wipe away the excess with no problem.

Once we had the furrows filled and the extra shit wiped away, I placed a pricey chunk of Aetherite in the center and flooded the plate with as much raw Mana as I could at once, making the thing go red-hot in a matter of seconds and flash-charging it so that the Mana dumped into the circle would stay in the blood, no matter what happened to the plate. Even if someone dipped my little creation into water or acid, the Blood Magic would protect itself since the Black Magicks tend to do that type of shit due to the fact that the negative Magicks tend to be like, at least a little evil. Even if it’s only a smidge like Dark Magic, evil protects itself, and it tends to do it well.

With a hundred and thirty bits invested into my new rune circle, I decided to throw a piece of a metal called ganthede onto in and see what might happen. As luck might have it, Shade Rose got my attention and drew my gaze away from the plate just moments before it exploded into a shower of sparks and light, the whole shop illuminating and causing Shade and I to go blind for a few minutes. Once the black spots were clear, however, we saw that the talisman that had been created was something special to be sure. It was a little rough when I picked it up and looked it over, but a little time with some sandpaper and a buffing wheel made it a lot nicer, and it even helped polish the obsidian gems that were inlaid into the piece already. I only had to look at it to know that I wasn’t looking at ganthede anymore, but by holding it I was doubly sure. Ganthede is said to hold an enchantment pretty well, but none of the engravings were Runic, and I could tell that the talisman was heavily enchanted, just by feeling it.

Shade had some input as to what we should do with it until we could have someone read off all of the enchantments on the thing discreetly, and with Twilight out of commission, we didn’t exactly have anyone or anything to help us learn at that point in time. Since then I’ve picked up a few books about Blood Magic since Celestia made me swear a Magical Oath to never use it for evil, meaning that I literally can’t use Blood Magic if I’m not like, ninety percent sure that I’m doing the right thing. Granted, that means that I just have to rationalize whatever I’m doing and I can go through with it unless I actually know that it’s just straight up wrong, but whatevs. I don’t need Blood Magic to kill people.

As of me chilling on Harry the bear, there was nowhere I could take the talisman to have it checked discreetly, so I got off of my big buddy and found the place I’d left off in Blood Magick: Cautioning Yourself Against Eviland picked up with some more Blood Runes that were supposed to help the Mage ignore whatever injuries got inflicted upon them, basically making them invincible. It had the rune in the book, but the thing about it was that there were so many catches, it was like yo’ Momma fallin’ out the Ugly Tree and hitting every branch on the way down. Fat bitch broke ‘em all too, and to tie that metaphor back to Blood Magic, the ‘Ignore Damage’ rune was high in pitfalls and low in successes. Like, you could engrave the rune onto yourself and you’d never feel pain again until you slashed the rune, but the thing about that is that every little ache or pain, anything you’ve felt, will assault your senses all at once, which might drive you mad. Another thing is that it doesn't actually prevent damage, so it’s useless unless you just don’t want to die a painful death. Yet another problem is that the rune will slowly affect your brain and make you cocky, meaning that those who have the rune on their person are some kinda fucked, because you’ll eventually become so in love with only feeling the good stuff that you’ll never scratch the rune, and the longer you wait, the worse it gets.

My light reading was quickly turning into studying, and I was cool with that until Rainbow Dash came barreling through the door like she’d lost the last lick a’ fuckin’ sense in her mind. “Jay! Jay, where are you dude!?” She shouted blindly.

“Quit yellin’ and I’ll tell you.” I snarked.

Rainbow dashed into the living room and immediately started pulling me off of Harry, making him snarl at her. “Oh shut up, you ball of fur. Everypony knows Fluttershy would have your hide for laying a paw on somepony smaller than you.”

I waited until I got my bookmark back into my book before whacking Rainbow with it. “Ay, yo, what’s the big deal?”

She rubbed her arm and gave me a dirty look, but didn’t say anything about it. “Well, I was trying to tell you that Fluttershy’s bombing hard on making Twilight feel better and she could really use your help right about now. I already got the girls coming whenever they can spare a moment, but I know you aren’t doin’ shit right now.”

I waved my book. “Well I was studying. Y’know. For my job.”

“... Are you seriously saying that your work is more important than your friends?” Rainbow asked, frowning hard.

“No, I’m saying that you should fuck-ing knock before letting yourself into someone’s house. If you hadn’t been fuckin’ hollerin’ at the top a’ your lungs when you stepped foot in the door, I prolly woulda shot you.”

“With what slingshot?” Rainbow looked around.

“I got something that hits a little harder than a slingshot, but that’s not important right now. Weren’t we going to go cheer Twilight up?”

“Yeah! Let’s get a move on, Dude!”

And we got a move on pretty quick, all things told. I took the mysterious talisman with me as a last resort and started planning for Twilight’s patch-job as soon as I could, working some ideas together and generally trying to make them blend and match so that if one plan failed, I could play another card from my hand and take the game. While it probably sounds callous of me to talk like I’m playing a game when it comes to emotional situations, that’s just how I view them most of the time. I don’t do it with Fluttershy because most shit comes naturally, and when it doesn’t, it’s not hard to just go with the flow or find something we both enjoy doing. Still, I knew I was about to have my hands full with Twilight if an All Call was going ‘round. The last time it’d happened, Twilight beat me with a rolled up newspaper for ten minutes straight while Fluttershy tried to get her to stop.

It was funny afterwards, although the sentiment wasn’t shared by anyone other than me. Humourless hoes.

When Rainbow and I arrived at Twilight’s house, we got there just in time to see Spike get defenestrated followed shortly by Pinkie, which made Rainbow stare at me in shock for a moment while I tried not to lose my shit. It reminded me of the time a fellow named Wrought Iron brought up his son’s name in conversation and I had to keep a straight face if I wanted to keep my face. Shuttle Cock was a good kid, but his fucking name tho. As it was, Rainbow and I ran over to check up on them and see if they were okay since we aren’t shitty friends, though I was a lot more worried about Pinkie than Spike. Ol’ Boy got scales; Pinkie don’t.

Spike was shaking off glass and Pinkie was thanking him for being something decent to land on when Rainbow ran up and asked, “Holy crap! Are you guys okay!?”:

Spike gave her a look. “What does it look like, Rainbow?”

“That was a really silly question.” Pinkie said with a little chuckle. She didn’t think it was that funny though. How do I know? Perks of being Super-Sane. Or insane. Whichever floats your heavy metal dirigible.

“You two take a breather. Dash? We’re going in.” I said firmly.

“Uh… Dude?”

I was already about to head inside when Dash said ‘Dude?’, so I was wondering what the hold up was. “Don’t tell me that you’re afraid of the Big Bad Twiwight.”

“... She just threw her little brother and one of her best friends out of a window. I piss Twilight off a lot. Would it really be smart for me to go in there when she’s already throwing ponies?”

“Wimp.” I scoffed, knowing she’d take the bait.

Rainbow coloured. “I’m not being a wimp, I’m being smart!”

“Are you seriously saying that staying relatively safe is more important than being there for your friends?” I asked, biting back a shit-eating grin.

Rainbow rolled her eyes. “Yeah, yeah, yeah, my own medicine tastes like ass. Let’s just go and get thrown out a window already.”

“That’s the spirit!” I said cheerfully, climbing the last step up Twilight’s stoop and walking into her house with Rainbow following at a distance.

From the doorway I could hear Twilight yelling at Applejack. “-’ve been here in the first place! What about all of his friends and the family he made!? I ripped him away from two homes and now he’s gone!”

Rainbow and I traded another look, so I flashed her a smile and a nod before walking through the foyer and into the Drama Zone. “Ladies, ladies, ladies! Jameson is in da how-se!”

I walked in with my arms spread wide and a little smirk playing on my lips, but when Twilight locked eyes with me she didn’t seem to be impressed by my theatrics. “C-Can’t I just be sad!?”

“Nope! Life’s full of suck and you better believe that your friends and family are here to make things suck considerably less, so shut the Hell your mouth and come give your only male friend a platonic hug for the sake a’ shuttin’ ‘im up!”

Twilight wiped her eyes and tried to glare at me, but she evidently didn’t have the energy to do it after defenestrating an innocent lizard man and a psychaotic piece of bubblegum. “If I hug you, are you gonna leave and take everypony with you?”

I shrugged. “I’ll hug you and I’ll make everyone but me leave.”

Applejack had a problem with that right off the rip. “Now you just wait a second right there, Buster! Iffin’ anypony’s gonna stay with Twilight, it oughta be Spike or Fluttershy.”

I looked to Twilight. “If I stay, I’ll just sit within earshot. You don’t have to see me or even hear me, but I’m here for you. I won’t be in your face or try to cheer you up, but it would make everyone feel a lot better if they knew you had a friend nearby. Just in case.”

Twilight sniffled and kept trying to stem the flow of tears. “I just wanna be left alone…”

I felt someone tug on my sleeve and guessed that it was Fluttershy. Lo and behold, it was the person I’d thought it was. I didn’t really ‘guess’ since I technically have three-sixty vision, but that isn’t terribly important. “Yes, Sweets?”

Fluttershy bit her lips and gestured for me to leave the room, so I gave her an odd look. “Babe, she’s calm right now. Just let me work my Magic.” I whispered.

Fluttershy nodded, but she still ended up dragging me away. “We’ll be right back, okay?”

“Please don’t come back today.” Twilight mewled.

“No luck on that one, Purps. I need you for something anyway, and it’s been on the backburner for a hot minute. It really shouldn’t wait any longer, and I trust you more than anyone other than like, Max and Fluttershy-”

“You tell Max that he can go to Tartarus!” Twilight roared, her voice carrying the ache in her heart with ease, making my pitiable amounts of empathy kick in.

“I will, but I trust you nearly as much as I trust Fluttershy. That’s what I’m getting at here.”

Twilight glared at me, now having the energy to do so. “You’re one more word from getting thrown out that dayum window.”

Fluttershy started tugging at me again, but I just looked at her and brushed her hand off. “One sec, Butterbear.”

“C-Caramelbear? Wh-What are you doing?” She whispered anxiously.

I started walking toward Twilight calmly until I saw the gem in her forehead light up brightly. I felt her Magic encircle me, but then something odd happened: Her Magic failed. Now, Magic can fail, and that’s not unheard of. Magical accidents happen all the fucking time, and around Twilight, that shit’s not exactly uncommon because sometimes Magic’s just a volatile little bitch that likes to fuck you. However, what Twilight was trying to do was levitation. By all means, she should have been able to throw me where-the-fuck-ever she wanted because her Mana Pool is that fucking deep, but Twilight’s Magic wasn’t malfunctioning; it was failing. Period. I could feel the flow of Twilight’s Magic as it circumnavigated me, and I noticed that after a few seconds, her horn stopped glowing and the Magic she’d spent was stored in whatever happened to be in my right pocket.

Guess where the fucking talisman was.

I carried on like nothing had happened and came to a stop uncomfortably close to Twilight, which made her say, “Jay, you’re in my personal space.”

I leaned down and looked her in the eye. “Am I?”

“Yes.” She said, a little salty.

“Who?”

“Not who-”

Twilight’s words were cut off by the absolutely abrupt application of my lips against hers. It was a spur of the moment kind of thing, but Twilight didn’t move the entire time I was locking lips with her, and when I pecked her cheek as a parting gift, I saw that she’d gone straight from depressed to de-what? “How ya feelin’, Twilight?”

She touched her bottom lip. “... You took my first kiss.”

“Was it good?” I asked, hoping that I hadn’t just fucked up big time.

“Uh…” Twilight blinked a few times. “I’m gonna go sit down and read a book.” She said, her voice and octave higher as she swiftly turned and walked in the exact opposite direction of books.

“Jay. Jay. Jay.” Applejack muttered, sounding a little more vexed each time.

“You said my name three times. I’m gonna pop up in your dreams tonight.” I jibed.

Fluttershy and Applejack teamed up and got way up in my grill.“Jay, why the buck did you kiss Twilight!?” AJ whispered furiously.

“Well, she’s probably confused, aroused, disgusted, or some combination of all three right now, but ay! She ain’t depressed.” I gave them my most winningest smile.

Applejack glared at me a little harder. “And ya thought a kiss was the best way ta make her calm down?”

I gave her a look. “So how were you guys doing before I got here? Like, I remember, vaguely though, oh so vaguely, that Twilight was throwing people out of windows and happened to be a sobbing, self-deprecating, stressed out mess. I show up? Me?” I pointed to myself. “I show up and no one else gets thrown out of a window. I show up and the uncontrollable sobbing stops. I show up and I know what to do. Guaran-fucking-teed that I can calm her down better than any one of you because I knew a Twilight who was like a lot like your Twilight. My Twilight-”

“Ain’t our Twilight.” Applejack snapped.

“No, my Twilight was an obsessive, genocidal, sadistic bitch that only got reined in because she fell in love with me, head over planet, let alone head over heels. This Twilight might not be in love with me, but I know what got my Twilight out of her episodes, and it was always a kiss. Maybe copping a feel to shock her out of whatever mental catastrophe happened to be going on at the time, but still. A kiss is harmless.”

“Not to Twilight.” Fluttershy said softly.

“Not to Twilight.” Applejack parroted.

“... Is there something I should know?” I asked.

Applejack sighed and Fluttershy passed her a nervous look. “M-Maybe we shouldn't say…”

AJ shook her head. “Nah, we gotta spill the beans on this one. C’mon, we’ll head outside.”

I nodded. “Someone wanna tell Twilight where everyone’s at?”

“She ain’t goin’ hear nopony.” Applejack deadpanned. “She’s gonna be all weird and twitchy for a day or two thanks to you.”

“Nice rhyme, dime.”

“What?”

“It’s a compliment.” I said, looking toward the foyer and heading that direction as I was finishing my sentence. Once I turned the corner and saw Rainbow, Pinkie, Spike, and Rarity all posted up, trying to look casual, I rolled my eyes. “Eavesdroppin’ asses.”

“Hey! Twilight’s our friend too!” Pinkie protested.

“Your friend threw you out of a window.” I said amusedly. “Apparently you won’t have to worry about that for a few days though.”

Rainbow gave me a suspicious look. “Yeah, we saw Twilight do her Weird Walk (She said it like it was a thing, so I assumed that it had a name. Pronouns) and heard some whispering going on, but I think you guys need to fill us in on the rest of the details.”

“Do tell.” Rarity said interestedly.

Applejack and Fluttershy sighed this time around, but I mostly just found it amusing. “I kissed Twilight.”

I got a lot of weird looks for that. It was a little offensive to be honest. To me and to Twilight.

“... Alright, but like, why though?” Spike asked, scratching the spines on the top if his head.

“Everyone knows that I’m from a parallel dimension, right?” I got a few nods and a few tilted heads. “Alright, so I’m from another dimension. The long story short is that my Twilight could always be calmed down by intimacy. Kisses, caresses, and if you’re really trying to send her to Lost Land, lift her shirt up real fast and lick her belly button. She’ll blush bright enough to light up a room, I swear. On God, the girl coulda been a fuckin’ candle.” I chuckled at the memory until I remembered that she was the cunt that tortured my brother to death. It was a small comfort to know that she was going to Smileton for effectively raping me once or twice.

“Darling, why did you go from laughing to looking like you’d enjoy throttling somepony?” Rarity asked cautiously.

“Bad memories came in with the good ones.” I grunted. “So is anyone gonna tell me why I should not have kissed Twilight?”

Spike made a weird grumbling kinda noise that was somewhere between a dog growling, a cat purring, and a snake hissing. Fuckin’ strange is what it was. “Dude, if you kissed her and she didn’t slap you, then she probably has a crush on you already.”

“... Oh.” I said blankly. “Well then.”

“... She already had one.” Fluttershy said softly.

“What was that Flutters?” Applejack asked.

“You fuckin’ what?” I asked.

Fluttershy steepled her fingers and let her hands rest on her tummy. “W-Well.. Tw-Twilight a-a-and I-I were t-talking…”

“About me?” I assumed.

My girlfriend nodded. “Yes.” She said in a small voice.

“Fluttershy.” Applejack said slowly.

“I-I couldn’t say anything! Twilight made me Pinkie Promise not to tell anypony!”

I pointed at Spike and used my other hand to point at myself. “We aren’t Ponies. We’ve been over this, Flutters.”

“She said anypony, she meant anyone. Smartass.” Applejack huffed.

Rainbow got a chuckle out of that until Rarity said, “I would love to see things from your point of view right now Rainbow Dash, because I find very little of this situation even slightly amusing.” Her tone was drier than a desert in a massive dehumidifier that just so happened to be in the center of a neutron star. “You do realize that the underlying love triangle that formed between two of our best friends and a new addition to the group might spell disaster for Fluttershy and Twilight’s relationship, yes? As in you understand that the best way things can go right now is that Twilight’s crush fades in time-”

“Or Jay takes Twilight and Fluttershy. I was laughing at the thought of Jay and Fluttershy listen to Twilight talk about a threesome.” Rainbow answered sharply. “This isn’t as bad as you think it is. I mean, it’s not like Twilight’s a bad catch, right Jay?”

I inhaled and puffed out my cheeks as I exhaled. “It wouldn’t work right now.”

“Why’s that?” Rainbow challenged. “If not now, then when?”

“I might change my mind by the end of me talking right now, I might never want anything to do with another Twilight romantically. Hell, the only reason I talk to this Twilight is because Fluttershy trusts her to watch over the animals.” I said honestly.

The room fell silent until Spike asked, “So what did the other Twilight do to make you hate her so much?”

“It took her three days to kill my brother. She tortured him, healed him, and then tortured him some more. I could watch, but at that point there was nothing I could do to stop her.” I shook my head, my lip curling.

“Woah… So… We go from love triangle ta torture in a hot minute.” Applejack said slowly.

“I-I think I’m going to be ill.” Rarity said convincingly.

“Yeah, can we go back to the love triangle please?” Spike asked, looking rather green around the gills himself.

Fluttershy laced her arm through mine and gave it a squeeze. “W-We can talk later, i-if you want…” She murmured to me.

I kissed her temple. “It’s damn near been three months. It’s about time we had that talk anyway.”

“It’s only been three months since your brother died!? Dude, how- Like-” Rainbow couldn’t form her words.

“Sugar, I…” Applejack said shortly after. “... Is Fluttershy the only one who knew?”

Pinkie raised a hand and I nodded toward her, but Fluttershy asked, “Jay, when did you visit Pinkie?”

“Time gets real wonky whenever Jay and I get together!” Pinkie beamed. “I got to watch Ty die too!”

“I will shoot you in the uterus.” I said, my tone frozen.

“Well it’s not like I wanted to, ya know.” Pinkie huffed.

I pointed a finger at her and let my accent get sloppily thick. “I don’t wanna hear my brother’s name come outcha mouth no mo’ ‘gain. I damn sure will Fuck. You. Up.”

“Jay…” Fluttershy said softly.

I sniffed, but I didn’t take my gaze off of Pinkie, even as Rainbow said, “Think you’re all sortsa tough, don’t you? Picking on someone smaller than you.”

I didn’t give a fuck about what she was saying. Instead, I was focused on making Pinkie Pie as uncomfortable as possible. “I should’ve checked my tone. I’m sorry Jay.”

I gave her a nod. “We cool. Keep it frosty.”

Rainbow scoffed, but Applejack caught her before anyone else could. “Dash, Pinkie literally just said that she watched Jay’s brother die along with him and had the biggest buckin’ smile on her face when she did. I’d’a… Ooo, I don’t wanna think about. I really don’t.”

“I must agree. If anypony were to smile at Sweetie Belle’s passing, I daresay I might lose my temper.”

Rainbow made a face. “Even then everypony knows how Pinkie is.”

“I really was in the wrong on this one, Dash.” Pinkie said, defending me.

The rainbitch sighed. “Sorry, Jay.”

“Don’t sweat it. I respect you stickin’ up for Pinkie, even when she deserved a sluggin’.” I replied, a little more calmed.

Fluttershy laid her head on my shoulder and I let my cheek rest on her pate as Spike asked, “So things keep popping up, but we’re not dealing with the main thing here! What happens with Twilight!?”

All eyes were on me, so I chose my words carefully. “I can stand being around Twilight long enough for a day-long date. I don’t know about anything beyond that since I don’t spend that much time around her.”

“So give her some time to win your heart!” Fluttershy exclaimed at slightly lower than conversation volume.

“It does sound like a reasonable compromise. Give Twilight say, two or three weeks to make a romantic impression on you and then see how you feel after that.” Rarity said, sounding logical, unlike her Arkaidite counterpart. “Since we’re evidently divulging secrets, I find it prudent to say that I’ve also spoken with Twilight about you, though I assure you that I wasn’t certain that she was, in fact, speaking of Fluttershy’s coltfriend. She is interested in a wholesome relationship and has been for some time, it’s just that she finds too many Stallions trying to swagger in and charm her for her power rather than for who she is.”

I shook my head and let out another deep breath. “Twilight’s gonna kidnap me, I just fuckin’ know it.”

“At least we’ll know who took you.(!)” Rainbow and Pinkie said simultaneously.

I flipped them off with my free hand. “Lovely. Find me before she sticks anything in my ass, okay?”

“Deal.” Everyone except Spike’s faggot ass said.

With that little situation handled, I had a long talk with Fluttershy to look forward to. I can’t say I was looking forward to it, honestly, but I knew it needed to happen. To shorten that sobfest because it was more emotional for Fluttershy than it was for me (Not saying much), I told Fluttershy everything I thought she could handle, and when she was asleep for the night, Shade Rose surfaced and let me get everything out and put it on the table. In her ancient wisdom, she helped me pick apart the pieces of the puzzle and place them where they needed to go for me to start on the path to feeling less guilty about letting Ty dig his own grave. She sat up and helped me drown my sorrows while I talked to her, and by the time I had a good buzz going, it was already time to feed the nocturnal animals.

Ain’t no rest for the wicked, am I right?

Author's Notes:

And this one done came out a little late, but my schedule's all sortsa fucked right now. Still, better late than never, beith meith correcteth?

As Always, Grab Her By The Pussy

❅ Stay Cool, Kids❅