On one hand, I knew I shouldn’t have been drinking with a strange woman that I’d never technically met, but on the other hand, waking up to Maud dragging me out of bed… Well, there’s no upside to that. She was a little upset that I was in a different room with a different woman, but when Ladesa cleared things up by saying that we were just Varas and that we couldn’t really form a relationship, Maud let me go and climbed into bed with me, which should have made my relationship with Ladesa even more obvious because we were sleeping in different beds, but it’s fine. It’s not like we were both sleeping in damn-near full kit anyway.

Fucking women sometimes, Bruv.

So after a decent nap with Maud, Ladesa woke me up by saying, “Gauche? Gauche, get your arse up, Bruvva. We got company, and it’s the Griffins from last night.”

I sat up in bed and Maud stayed down, trying to catch up on the sleep she’d missed out on. I don’t exactly drink a lot, so instead of waking up hungover, I woke up a little drunk. “Gotcha. I’m guessin’ Maud got her rock collection, so-”

“Wait, you mean your woman has a collection of rocks?” Ladesa asked, the concept sounding odd to her, apparently.

“My collection is fantastic.” Maud mumbled.

“What?” My usual Demi-Goddess of choice asked.

“She said her collection is fantastic, and it honestly is. Still, we’ve gotta get a move on, Lover. Shit ain’t lookin’ the best for us right now.” I replied for my sweetheart.

“Lemme go and grab those ladies then. You know they talk some kinda funny, right? There’s one with a weird accent that sounds kinda country-Araluen, but not quite.”

“Yeah, that’ll be Applejack. Be careful to not mention anything Guild related to her. Or any of them for that matter. Hæl, just keep it quiet as long as it pertains to anything Daywalker, because our tickets to a land of plenty are some Goody-Goody’s if I’ve ever met one.”

“... Fuckin’... Ugh, Daywalkers.” Ladesa rolled her eyes.

Maud grabbed my arm and sat up next to me. “Am I a Daywalker?”

“Oh Hæl no. No, you’re a Grit to be sure.” I chuckled.

“What? You’re courting a Grit? What kind of women are you into, Gauche?” Ladesa asked amusedly. “You know, Flint came to port one day and the Varas around the Guild got together to talk about you. She complimented you on your first time-” Ladesa broke out into giggles.

I gave her a weary look. “I’ll kick your arse, Demi-Goddess or not.”

“Oh, come on, Bruvva, take it easy.” Ladesa tittered. “It was all good for the most part, though she said that you weren’t very fond of her chest.”

“We are ending this conversation here.” Maud announced groggily, though still in monotone. “I do not wish to hear of my boyfriend’s past lovers.”

“And I don’t really want to talk about them in anything other than passing, so the motion is seconded. Let’s go get food.” I agreed agreeably, trying to grab a nibble.

Ladesa chuckled some more. “Ah, the life of a man trying to settle down. You know, we should probably be putting another Guild together since we have a couple of Varas here right now. It wouldn’t be a bad idea with you taking the spot as the leader since you’ve been groomed enough for the task.”

“True, but that’s not how I want to roll right now, so we’re tabling the idea for the time being. Food first, Guild later.” I thought about it for a second. “And we have people waiting on us. No time to waste, or something like that.”

I got Maud up and moving soon after that, and thanks to Maud, we had clothes to change into, though there wasn’t much for Ladesa to do other than marvel at the odd fashions that were evidently prevalent in the world. She mentioned that she liked the risque nature of Maud’s chosen attire for the day before she saw what the three Daywalkers were wearing, and even she had to blush, despite being about eight hundred to a thousand years old. Applejack’s breeches (Or trousers. Whatever.) were cut off around mid-thigh and showed off a lot of fur in her glamour, and Pinkies ‘skort’ was even shorter. However, Twilight’s skirt covered more, but she wasn’t wearing anything under it to stop people from looking at her knickers if they so chose, which was a question answered after Ladesa practically had a heart attack over seeing how these women dressed. In a land devoid of petticoats, it was something I should’ve been waiting on.

While we were planning our escape to Equestria via Teleportation Station, Ladesa asked if she could have a few words with me and I had few reasons to tell her no, so I let the youthful Demi-Goddess take me to another table for a chat. “Gauche, how many of these women have you slept with? And be honest, you lecher!”

“I’ve only been with Maud, and that’s not changing until she gets rid of me for some reason or the other.” I said pointedly. “Just because they dress like Fancies and Streetwalkers doesn’t mean that I partake. I’m telling you that it’s normal for women to dress like whores here. Men too, if some of the ‘shorts’ I’ve seen are anything to go by.” I shook my head and sipped my coffee. There wasn’t any honey to be had, so I just had to make due.

“... You mean the men around here wear stuff as revealing as that?” Ladesa asked with an odd edge to her voice.

“Get your mind out of the gutter, you lecher.” I droned.

She blushed brightly. “Shut up. Everyone knows that men are all horndogs.”

“What did Flint have to say about that?” I asked confidently.

“... Well, she said you weren’t botherin’ her constantly for sex, but she did mention that you got a little clingy before she gave you a look one time. If I’m remembering right, she said she only had to give you the look to make you go back to climbin’ shit and being less of a nuisance and more of a free-spirit.”

“Exactly. I wasn’t trying to nail her every five seconds just because she was willing to do it once. What does the Guild always say about blanket statements?”

“‘All blanket statements are dumb.’.” She grumbled.

“Exactly.” I deadpanned. “How old are you again?”

“I’m frozen at eighteen. I get older, but I don’t really age, y’know? It’s just everlasting youth and all that.”

“A lot of people would trade you in a heartbeat.” I smirked at her.

“Those people aren’t this old.” Ladesa sighed and sipped her coffee before making a face. “Pure robusta. There’s no Flistica in this at all.”

“I know, but I’ve been drinking robusta for years. The juice does its job better when it tastes like shit.”

“Leather-tongued brute.”

“Heavy-footed loon.”

“I do not have a heavy foot.” Ladesa snapped. “I’ve been in the game for centuries, you child, so-”

“Ladesa, I’m talking about when you stepped on my head.”

“... I’m not heavy.” Ladesa pouted.

“You’re dense. Kinda like gold, but dull like lead.”

“I am not dense, and I am not dull.” She snapped adorably, a blush splaying across her cheeks.
“You are when you’re stepping on people.” I replied drolly.

“You’re an arse beyond butts.”

“Shut up, Gingy. I’ll put you in a kettle with leaves and drink you black with no sugar.”

Ladesa glared at me and left her tankard of coffee behind as she went to rejoin the girls. I used her coffee to top off mine, but she’d dumped a bunch of sugar into hers to make it drinkable rather than enjoying it for what it was like an adult. When I came back to the girls, Applejack asked to have a word with me, and after she got a refill for her own coffee, we grabbed another table and started our conversation out in one of the most tense situations I’d found myself in with the predominantly harmless trio.

“Gauche, I need ta ask ya somethin’, and I need ya ta be honest.” Applejack said softly, casting a furtive glance to the others.

“Ask away.” I said cautiously.

“Have ya ever killed another pony? Or should I say ‘person’?” She asked, though she sounded unsure about her use of ‘person’ as a word for people. It was weird.

“... To be honest with you, yes.” I said earnestly.

“... Why did ya?” She inquired more softly than before.

I cherry-picked an event and let it roll. “I killed Prince Sectus because he severely injured one of my friends, he was a part of a horrid regime that crushes people under its foot, has fathered a ludicrous number of illegitimate children he refuses to claim, and he was just a horrorshow all to himself. It was a choice I made to protect more people from getting stepped on by him. Or raped. Fellow was legendarily fond of that sin.” I sipped my coffee casually.

“So ya were tryin’ ta do some good, but ya did it by doin’ evil.” Applejack said, her voice turning hard.

“I wouldn’t kill someone over nothing, Applejack. It’s not who I am.”

“But who are you, Gauche? Because I see a lot of shade under your tree, and the fruit you’re bearin’ seems awful poisonous.”

I shrugged. “I’m a good guy who sometimes does bad things for the sake of doing good things. I’m not perfect, nor do I pretend to be.”

“... Gauche, can I ask ya somethin’ else?”

“I say yes with hesitation.” I answered.

She gave me an odd look, but soldiered on nonetheless. “What do ya want with Twilight?”

“... I want to know that she’s okay.” I said softly, glimpsing Twilight’s peek at us.

“She’s done just fine without ya for jus’ about twenty years. What makes ya think she needs ya?”

“Nothing, Applejack. Nothing makes me think she’ll need me, and I know I’ll only be trouble for her, but I want the girl happy. I don’t really know why, but I have my suspicions, and they make me want a drink.” I ended with a dark grumble.

“What are some of your suspicions?”

“Main one is that she reminds me of my little sister, long gone. Don’t want to see someone like her get hurt. One of the little ones is that she’s too naive to not have someone looking out for her, and another is that Twilight’s special. It’s not hard to tell that she’s a one in a million.”

“... What do ya think makes her special?” Applejack asked, skepticism evident in her voice.

I shrugged and spread my hands. “She just is. I can feel it in my gut, and my gut rarely steers me wrong. It’d be another thing entirely if I just thought she was special, but no. The woman makes my stomach feel cool and fuzzy whenever I’m around her, so she’s something else, I just haven't figured out what.”

The Pony in Griffin’s clothing narrowed her eyes at me. “So why do ya want her so bad?”

“I don’t want Twilight in any other form than as a friend.” I replied coolly.

“... You’re tellin’ the truth, but I’m havin’ a hard time believin’ ya.”

I shrugged. “Believe what you will, just don’t tell Twilight that I’m a killer. I don’t think she’ll be too happy to find that out.”

“Why shouldn’t I tell her about the guy she’s tryin’ ta take to Equestria?” Applejack challenged.

“Because me actually going is gonna ride on Twilight not believing that I’m a homicidal maniac with a penchant for being nice on occasion. I’d rather have her know that I’m a decent guy with some shady tendencies that don’t amount to much, y’know?”

“No, but somethin’s tellin’ me to let it go.” Applejack sighed. “I don’t get you, Gauche. You or whatever it is that you’re doin’.”

“I’m not doing anything right now, Lover. All’s well in Minosia as far as my business goes, and once we get our plan mapped out, we’ll be ready to go.” I heard someone bouncing along toward us and saw Pinkie heading our way.

“Always wondered how that girl knew a conversation was over.” Applejack mused before turning back to me. “I’ll keep your secrets for the time bein’, but if Twilight asks, I want ya to be honest with her.”

I nodded. “I won’t lie to her, but I probably won’t tell her the whole truth unless she does a good job of digging for it. I’m not exactly open, you know.”

Applejack raised a hand and Pinkie stopped her advance. “Ya’ve been pretty open with me.”

I snorted and gave her a look. “I know a lie-detector when I see one, Lover. Something tells me that bullshitting you would get my relationship with Twilight fucked up faster than I could imagine.”

She rolled her eyes and stood. “You might have a point if Twilight ever actually listened to me. I didn’t even want to come here.” Applejack shook her head and passed Pinkie on her way over.

Pinkie sat down with a big smile on her face and started speaking before I could get a proper greeting out. “So why are you with Maud?”

“She’s pretty great. She’s tough, cute, smart, and all ‘round huggably fun to be with. She’s a little handsy every once in awhile and she likes to be a little too close at most times, but I can deal with it.”

Pinkie narrowed her eyes, her smile fading piece by piece. “What’s the real reason?”

“She’s dangerous. A real femme fatale, but with a soft spot for me. She’s right up my alley.” I sighed. “Maud’s a real piece of work, but I can’t help falling for her every time she lets that little smile slip, or when she quips at me and shows off her witty side. Your sister is a catch for the right kind of guy, and I’m hoping I’m the right kind of guy.”

Pinkie smile again, but there was a light in her eyes that made me wary of her. “That’s a really good answer! I know your business is really sketchy and bloody, but it’s nice to know that somepony’s looking out for Maudileena when she needs it!”

I nodded. “I’ll have her back until the day she doesn’t want me to watch with her any more.”

“I hope you two stay together for as long as it takes for you to start loving rocks!”

“I like the shiny ones that sell well.” I offered.

Pinkie rolled her eyes and sipped her drink, which was milk because no one wanted her to have coffee. Maud made sure that there were no arguments. “You’re a treat! I like you!”

“I like you too, Pinkie. You’re a pleasant influence.”

“Here’s hoping my bubbliness can overrule your murdery-ness and we can make Maud follow your lead!”

I stopped smiling. “So you know more about our business than your friends?”

“I know a lot of things I shouldn’t.” She giggled. “Perks of being Pinkie.” Said woman gave me a conspicuous wink and I was tempted to never talk to her again.

“Right. Wanna go back and plan the escape, or…?”

“It’s already planned! Everypony wants to leave now, and I’m saying that we should because now’s the best time to go since we’re gonna take forever! Let’s get a move on, shall we?”

I gave her a nod. “Let’s.”

With Gauche and his gang getting their shit together, I turned my attention toward the guy who was burning a shot of bourbon to get my attention while he was trying not to get iced by a Manticore that had been following him for some time now. I didn’t choose to drop Jay off in the Everfree, but the guy should’ve known better than to try to make his escape from eternal love in a murder forest. Still, the idea had been alright at the time since no one could have tracked him and what not, but now he was running low on ammo and he didn’t have the Magic to make more bullets with his portable Transmutation Circle. For being a decently powered Magic user, Jay was relying pretty heavily on the weapons he’d made for himself when he had time, but the guy didn’t know how to use a sword at all, and as the Manticore closed in on him, it became evident after seconds that my guy was about to get himself killed, so I made the big beastie lose interest before it could climb Jay’s tree and shifted myself to his branch for a chat.

“Wotcher, Mate. I see we’re just hanging around.” I quipped flippantly.

Jay gave me a look. “You know that this is utter bullshit, right? Why am I not out of this shit yet?”

I shrugged. “You’re the one who put yourself into a magical nexus, Mate. You walk into the Everfree, chances are that you’re not walking out of your Everfree. Hell, I was fucking lucky to find two anchor points in one day, but that’s a story for another book.”

He gave me a suspicious look. “... I’m not in Arcadia’s Everfree, am I?”

“Nope. You’re in Equestria’s.”

“Aren’t you from Equestria?” Jay asked.

“Different Equestria, same concept. You’ll be happy to note that I’m just going to drag you out of here, in other news, so get your shit together and pour me another shot, will you?”

Jay handed me the bottle with a grimace before rubbing his lacerated shoulder. “Wouldn’t mind doin’ a patch up, would ya? Shit hurts, man.”

I snapped and he was good while I took a double shot for being nice. When I was done, I sighed happily. “That cost you another shot, but I don’t think you care. Wanna get out of here and meet a new version of Fluttershy?”

“... Is she like my Fluttershy?” He asked nervously, though he didn’t let it show. God privileges and all that.

“She is, but she won’t love you just because you’re nice to her for a few sentences. You really did like the shy Cuddle Critter you had, didn’t you?”

He grimaced. “I miss her daily, bein’ straight with it. Real shit? I coulda seen myself asking you to let me have kids with Fluttershy, but I doubt we coulda got to that point because of the undead thing.”

“Yeah, dying makes you super sterile, my friend. Learned that one myself, but on Equus, Ponies were obvious some fuckable people since a lot of them were good- Ow!” I got slapped by Roxy for that because of pervert reasons.

Jay gave me a look. “Pissin’ off the wrong people?”

I rolled my eyes. “What else is new? Even when you’re God, you still answer to your spouse. Or spouses.”

He chuckled at that and took his sunglasses off long enough to rub his eyes. When we traded looks, the stark white irises lined and centered with pitch black stared back at me and I knew that Jay was searching for an answer within my eyes. Even when we were trying to make light of a situation, things were a little tense. “Max, where am I? Honestly, where am I at?

I took a deep breath and sighed. “Solstice Circle, planet Equis, and as I said earlier, the Everfree forest. Walk for a couple hours and the forest will guide you out.”

“With or without company?” He asked coldly.

“They’ll be carrying fruits courtesy of the Matron, a woman named Verdandi. She’s a friend of mine, so don’t worry about her poisoning you or something.” I answered warmly, winning the temperature battle.

Jameson sighed and gave me a frustrated look. “You let me wander in this sumbitch for how long before you decided to show up?”

“I had to wait for something to open up for you.” I shrugged. “Otherwise you were just some jackass who walked into the Everfree without the connections to get out. Nothing personal, Mate, just the rules of the forest.”

“Fuck you.” He groaned. “Fucking cuck.”

I chuckled. “I could always skip the part where I send you off with food.”

“You could, but you won’t.” He guessed correctly. “You’re a prick, but you’re not a fucking asshole, Dude.”

I tossed him a chocolate bar and made one for myself. “I generally try not to be. If you were really fucked, I would’ve stepped in anyway. I’ve asked Fate to look away for a little bit, so I’m doing a little knot-tying and admittedly jury-rigging a few things to see if I can get it to play out nicely.” I took a bite of mine and chewed for a few moments, enjoying the flavour of decent candy. “I honestly don’t know how it’s all going to work out since I’m not allowed to look into the future, but still. It’s all going to amount to something though. Everything amounts to something.”

He took a bite of his candy and savoured it since it had been a couple of weeks since he’d had a meal that he hadn’t had to kill one way or another. “Guess you could say that… How’s he doing?”

“Resting in peace.” I answered softly.

“Damn. Damn, that was fuckin’ quick.” Jay breathed.

“Time’s been moving while you’ve been gone. Ty died six months ago on Arcadia, and you’ve been gone for a little over a year now.”

“... Guess life doesn’t really revolve around one n*gga, does it?” Jay murmured.

“Don’t degrade yourself like that, Jameson. You cut out when the future looked darker than it ever has, and you tried to make something of it. It takes a man to leave everything he built when there’s nothing left for him.”

He shook his head. “You just hated him, didn’t you?”

“If I was more of a hands on kinda guy, I woulda just killed him myself. He used you like he used me, so don’t feel bad about his passing, Jay. Just get to Ponyville and ask for Fluttershy. Tell her, word for word, ‘I see you and through you, sister. Help me.’, and she’ll open a dialogue option since you’ll have the keyphrase for the flag to raise.”

Jay gave me a fucked up look. “What the fuck was that last part? Are you talking about a fuckin’ dating sim?”

I cleared my throat, letting my cheeks pink up a bit. “I mean, yeah, kinda. How you roll from there is up to you, but I can tell you now that she’s looking for a man, and if you’re willing to work with her and what she needs like you were with the other Fluttershy…” I trailed off and spread my hands. “I mean, she’ll be different from your Fluttershy since the alternate personality changes with the exact venom dosage she gets the first time around, but trust me when I say that you’ll at least like her. She’s a very likeable woman, and she’s got the most kissable lips you’ve ever snogged if you can get that far.”

Jay took his glasses off again and looked at me for a moment, the forest canopy allowing him to see without being immediately blinded. “What’s your angle, Max? Why push me toward Fluttershy after taking me from her?”

“I just want you happy, and I’m trying to make that happen while I sort a lot of other stuff out. It’ll be a work in progress, but still.”

“Got a blunt?”

I produced one and got it started. “I was always more of a bong guy, but the coconut on this one ought to make you smile.”

Jay smirked and accepted the pass. “Always did love a good pina colada… Yo, you’re not making me a Chosen or something, are you?”

I chuckled. “No, not quite. You’re just a guy with blessings right now, Jay, and it’s going to be up to you as to how you use them. I just want to ask one thing of you.”

“Lemme keep this and I’ll think about it.” Jay waved the married-iguana stick.

I made four more and gave them to him in a baggie. “Should get you through your walk if you don’t stop to smoke. Mind if I go ahead and ask?”

“Shoot, Bruh. You know I’m listenin’.”
“As a friend, I want you to help Garrison Varas. Tell him that you’re a tinkerer and that a friend wants you to check his gear out. Don’t tell him my name, but tell him that you have to do one thing.” I looked at Jay’s face to see if he was still following along.

“Keep going. You know you’ve got my semi-undivided attention.”

I nodded and carried on .”He’ll have a set of wrist blades, not unlike the ones from that assassin based game you played forever ago. I know you remember it.” Jay nodded. “If he tells you that you can’t see any of his shit, tell him that you need to see the blades and the Seal on his chest so you can fulfill your part of the contract, as per Hermes’ wish.”

“Can do, Dude. You want me to scratch it out in blood or something?”

“Nah, just do what you can. Hell, don’t even go word for word and you should be fine.”

Jay nodded and picked himself up before squatting low on the branch. “Need anything else?”

“Want me to make you perceive time differently so you can get out of the forest faster?”

“Bitchin’. Let’s do that.”

“Radical.” I snapped my fingers, and thus pointed Jay out of the forest. I shifted him out of the tree to save him some trouble, and ass he walked along, animals carrying various fruits came along beside him, but we both knew that none of the fruits would be tastier than the animals themselves. We had different reasons and different levels of cooked that we’d want them, namely he’d want his steak as rare as was edible and I’d want mine literally burnt into ash. Sacrifices always taste better that way, you know.

I watched Jay as he walked along, and even as the Sun set and the Moon rose, he didn’t let himself falter, despite being exhausted from being chased for another full day. His endurance had already improved, but the guy just wasn’t meant for a marathon, so I advised him to take a break, and while he was doing the napping of a lifetime in a hammock I dropped off for him, I was in Applejack’s ear. She was walking along with her friends while the three sketchiest people she’d ever met trailed behind them at a decent pace, watching their every move. My Favoured was feeling rather creeped out since she knew at least one of them was watching her at any given moment, but after a cutpurse had come and bumped into her before being caught by Garrison, she was grateful for their watchful eyes because it had saved her fifty bits.

‘Useful people, those lot. Maybe they ain’t so bad…’ Applejack thought idly when Gauche returned her money to her. He’d given the young Cat something in return, but she didn’t know what it was, and that made her want to ask.

‘Just do it.’ I whispered, making her jump slightly.

‘Max? Should I really?’

‘Like I said; just do it.’ I didn’t Labeouf her or anything. Kept it nice and mild, I did.

Applejack frowned and turned slightly to see Gauche out of the corner of her eye. “Hey Gauche?”

“Yeah?” He called back.

“What’d ya give that little Cat back there?”

“A couple drachs. Figured he wouldn’t have gotten much from you anyway, so I padded his pockets. Hopefully it keeps him fed for a little while.” Gauche replied truthfully.

Applejack nodded while Twilight squealed. “Aww, Gauche! That was a very nice thing to do, even if you did just encourage thieving by accident.”

“No, he encouraged bad thieving, which is dumb. The little bugger should’ve made off clean with what he had instead of tryin’ to pull a double.” Ladesa scoffed.

Gauche elbowed her and Applejack narrowed her eyes at the sketchy looking, pixie-cut having woman. Pixie cuts on Mares always meant trouble in Applejack’s books because she likes stereotyping. “So you’re sayin’ Gauche shouldn’ta caught him?”

Ladesa shrugged. “I know Gauche has spent a few nights hungry. Don’t see why he has to be such a- Ow! Stop!” She shoved him.

Maud glared at Ladesa. “Keep your hands off of my Stallion.”

“Tell your ‘Stallion’ to keep his elbows outta my ribs! I’m not exactly padded around there you know!” Ladesa huffed petulantly.

“Stop saying things that make you sound like a terrible person like you’re talking about the weather and I’ll consider it.” Gauche replied blandly.

“Butthead.” Ladesa muttered adorably, making Applejack give her a look.

“Act your age, Sugarcube.” The farm girl said admonishingly.

Ladesa coloured and jabbed a finger at Applejack. “Don’t think you’re hot shit just because you’re stacked, you beaked freak.”

AJ raised a brow at that and saw how upset she was, almost forgetting that she still looked like a Gryphon to everyone other than herself. “I ain’t pickin’ on ya, Ladesa, if that’s what ya think I meant. I’m just sayin’-”

Ladesa flipped her off. “Cram it, floozy.”

Twilight gasped and turned around, officially stopping the group. “You take that back, Missy! There’s no reason to be saying stuff like that!”

Applejack watched as Gauche murmured something to Ladesa and they huddled together for a moment before turning back around. Ladesa shoved something into her pocket which made Applejack suspicious, but then she said, “Alright. Applejack, I’m sorry I called you a floozy. Are we good?”

“Did Gauche make ya say that?” My Favoured deadpanned.

“Bribes are fair play.” Maud said flatly.

“Can we get moving before our window closes? Shouldn't we be close by now anyway?” Garrison asked, clearly irritated by the goings on of the people making his life more difficult.

Twilight glared at Ladesa. “It’s not my fault that you’re in Minosia. One more comment like that and you can stay behind and make friends here!”

Ladesa went to say something back, but at Gauche’s gesture, she backed down. “The message is clear, Twilight. Let’s get going.” He said.

Twilight nodded and let it go because she was dumb like that, but Applejack and Ladesa locked eyes and traded glares for all of two seconds before Ladesa blew a kiss at her adversarial ally. ‘What the hay?’ Applejack thought to herself.

‘Catch it!’ I urged her. ‘Apply directly to your forehead and watch!’

Applejack complied and smacked the heel of her hand against her forehead and Ladesa turned a bright, cherry red that had me laughing my arse off since Applejack didn’t know that she’d just told the Demi-Goddess that she’d ‘think about it’. It was fucking great and Applejack thought she got the last laugh on Ladesa, which was true in a way.

Keeping my traveling companions on task was hard because they were all fucking women. You know what I’ve never had trouble doing? Traveling with men. We shove crap into a bag, usually need it, and let luck worry about the rest of it depending on the situation, but women? We damn near stopped to argue every couple of blocks once we got into the city, though most of the time we were able to walk and talk. It didn’t help that Ladesa was a little hands-on with me since we were both Varas, which I tried to explain to Maud. It was just the way Varas are since there are so few, and I likened my relationship to Ladesa to being something like having a cousin who I’ve never seen. It just wasn’t priority to try and get into her pants, and since she was Furladra’s daughter, I was pretty sure that she wasn’t allowed to take a suitor anyway, not that I wanted to ask.

After we finally got to the Teleportation Station, the girls waited until Maud took them to a restroom to change their disguises, and while they were doing that, Ladesa and I were filing for something called a ‘Transfer Pass’, which was basically a passport or something of the sort since we weren’t born on the planet, let alone in Minosia. All we had to do was answer a few basic questions, but we got split up for the ordeal and my bout of questioning nearly went south as soon as they took me into the room with the arcane lie detector. I knew I was about to be fucked, so I started tying strings together and solidifying a story that would be plausible before the questioning started.

Instead of a Minotaur, there was a Pony filling the position of Customs Admissor, and she was definitely a hard nut to crack. From the first words out of her mouth, I knew I was going to have to play my cards right. “So, Mr. Garrison Varas. Tell me. How did you get to Minosia?” She asked, her tone full of cynicism and spite already.

“It was a magical accident. One moment I was making my way down a brick and mortar alley, the next thing I know I’m stepping on the Unicorn who brought me to this world.” I answered confidently.

“Where are you from?”

“A world called Terra, and a country called Avalesce.”

She narrowed her eyes at me. “Why were you brought here?”

I shrugged. “I haven’t the foggiest, to be honest with you. I just know that everything I knew is gone.”

Her expression eased slightly, but not by much. “You have my condolences. Have you committed any crimes while you’ve been in Minosia?”

“Yes. I set fire to an underground restaurant called ‘A Taste of Evil’ and killed a few of the employees. Keep in mind that my actions were assured to be justified by a guard under the Iron Crown.”

The Admissor blinked at me. “... You’re the one who burned up that pit of evil?”

“I am.”

She narrowed her eyes at me again. “What do you know of Bite-Back?”

“I know that they’re international and that they’re dangerous, though none more so than Odysseus. I’ve seen that psychopath in action myself, and he’s given me a few memories I’d rather not have. I am no friend of his.”

Her brows came up and she nodded a few times. “I see. What do you know of Kerrick?”

“I know the name, but not much else.” It was true. Kerrick had never made the time to come and visit me, and I hadn’t felt like seeing him specifically anyway. Maud handled my admission, and Odysseus was usually the one who gave me missions.

“Why do you know so much about Back-Bite?” She asked sharply.

“Is it Bite-Back or Back-Bite?” I asked, confused.

She nodded again. “What would you know of the death of Prince Sectus?”

“Well, I now know that he’s dead, and that’s not good news right now.”

The Mare gave me a bewildered look, the gem in her forehead glowing slightly. “Why not?”

“That’s gotta mean that people aren’t getting out of Minosia, right? I mean, I’m not a native to Equestria, so I can’t really say that I have stuff I need to attend to at home. My herd and sister might be cleared to go, but I might not be, and that’s a little worrying.” I frowned deeply and ran my tongue over my teeth.

The woman leaned forward and stared at me. “Why do you want to leave Minosia so badly?”

“This place is dangerous. I don’t want my herd here since they can’t take care of themselves, and I don’t want my sister here because she’s a troublemaker type and there’s an awful lot of trouble to get into here. It doesn’t really help that I don’t feel bad about killing the guys from A Taste of Evil either. I mean, Minosia is turning me into something I don’t want to be, and Equestria feels like a second chance at being a half decent thingy.” I pursed my lips off to the side as the lady’s smile went from wry to warm.

“You’re either an excellent liar, or you’re the perfect candidate for the Equestrian Rangers. What do you say, Garrison? Why don’t you help protect a land full of happiness from those that would destroy it?” The Mare used honeyed inflections that made my ears hurt since I knew without my gut even having to make a peep that I was being given a cold, hard choice.

If I went to Equestria without agreeing to be a Ranger, then I didn’t doubt that I was going to be some kind of blacklisted, or that there would be a hex of some sort cast upon me that would identify me as an outsider. If that sounds like I’m being paranoid, then think about it: Equestria gets nothing from letting a known killer into their lands. They get a vigilante at best, so what’s the natural thing to do when you have a country made up of skittish Mouse-Men and naive children that happen to be about grown-up sizes? You use the killers you get from the outside, and bring them inside to make them play by your rules. It was a classic trick that the Avalesch Guard used rarely enough when vigilantes were caught since the occasional rising star might happen to be a better shot with a crossbow than any other Bobble.

On the other hand, if I went to Equestria and was trained with a bow, then not only would I be securing a solid job that I could probably do dirt on the side with, but I would be adding even more Human Capital to my coffers, and that’s some of the most valuable shit to have. I was already to hitting-the-broad-side-of-a-barn levels of good with a bow, but what I lacked in finesse I could pick up from a good teacher and repetition. However, the main drawback of the whole thing would be that I’d literally be living a double life with the Golden Crown on one side and Bite-Back on the other. Living with my loyalties divided sounded like a terrible way to live, but if I wanted to continue being able to provide for Furladra to keep my oaths, I needed to have access to a ready market, and Bite-Back was always buying.

I thought as quickly as I could and came to a question. “What happens if I say no?”

“Why would you? That could ruin everything for you.” She said pleasantly. “Why, most jobs in Equestria get filled by Ponies with Cutie Marks in related fields, which generally means they’re the best at what they do. Can you contend with somepony who was born to do their job?”

“Is someone born to be a Ranger?”

“Yes! You!”

“I don’t have a choice, do I?” I deadpanned.

“Not if you want to go to Equestria.” She said, her face falling flat once more. “Trust me, if you weren’t such a perfect candidate for the Rangers, I wouldn’t mind calling the guard and telling them that an enemy of Bite-Back is here.”

“Here’s hoping I get to be a good shot quick enough to get this target off my back.” I snorted.

She narrowed her eyes at me. “I know you’re tied to Bite-Back somehow, but you’re a slippery one. What does Bite-Back want with Equestria?”

“I’m trying to distance myself from the crazy, Lover. Not figure out why it is what it is.” I rolled my eyes.

“So you admit it!” She cried, standing up and slamming her hands on the table..

I gave her a look after starting. She spooked me a bit since I didn’t bother with the Flash Face. “Heya, fuckin’ stop. Control yourself.” She gave me a fucked up look, so I continued. “Look, I’m not a part of Bite-Back. I never have been, alright? The name ‘Garrison’ gets around amongst Mares and the odd Mollyhen, but beyond that? I don’t like being associated with rebels.”

“... The truth spell says you’re not lying, but my gut is telling me that you’re full of shit.” She groused, rubbing her temples.

“Am I seriously that shady? I mean, is it the outfit? Does my face just make me look like I’m not being honest? For fuck’s sake, you’re not even the first person today to say something like that!”

The still unnamed woman gave me a sharp look. “Wait here. I’ll be back with a Ranger pamphlet as well as your pass. Just know that one you slip the ring on, it will not come off until you’re either an official citizen or you’ve completed your Ranger Training and have gone on at least ten assignments. Whichever comes first.” She shrugged.

I had to bite back a chuckle at that since Twilight had promised me citizenship during the walk, though Ladesa was owed nothing and was going to receive nothing, so I was going to have to find a way to make her a legal citizen too so she didn’t fuck up and get herself deported or something. While the woman was away, I started to worry about Ladesa and hoped that Furladra hadn’t truly left her daughter flying blind, because Ladesa was honestly a bit of a hot-head and she seriously needed to learn when not to talk about things. Not even just ‘business’ stuff, just things.

When the woman did return, she handed me a small book with covers that were made of some wood and bound by cloth and flax. It was a nice little book and the pages seemed to have been printed and cut, but for the most part, it was a passable thing that I could have a read through without stressing about a time limit. The ring she brought was meant for a thumb, so I offered her the left one since it’d probably make a better base for an arrow that way. After it was on, it shrunk enough to be uncomfortable but not painful before growing slightly to allow some actual movement. The feeling of wearing a thumb ring was odd, though I found that I wasn’t terribly fond of rings in the first place. I still wore one on my right hand in remembrance of Aria, but that’s because necklaces are dangerous.

After a little while longer, I was released with my Transfer Pass/slave ring and met up with the Equestrian girls, but not long after I got to them, Ladesa followed with a wide, mischievous grin. “Heya, guess who just got us on the next Mass-Port to Equestria?”

I didn’t know what that meant, but Twilight did. “Really? That’s so convenient! How did you manage that?”

Ladesa bobbed her head and kept smiling.

“Aw fuck, I can’t believe you’ve done this.” I said, not quite mad, but not quite okay with it.

She shut her mouth and her face lit up. “Fuckin’- Garrison! I did not!”

Maud started to get her chuckles in around the same time Applejack stopped being dumbstruck (I assume she made the obvious assumption I made) and started to snicker for herself, so she turned to them. “It’s not funny! I didn’t do anything like that!” A thought crossed my mind and I lined up the shot. “I’ve just got the gift of gab, dammit!” Ladesa protested, loosing the arrow for me.

“More like the gift of gobble.” I shot back.

Ladesa turned to me with a look of absolute betrayal on her face. “Bruv, why!?”

I let Flash Face handle it for me. “Just givin’ ya the business, Raspberry. It’s not meant to be a heart-shot.”

She marched up so me and jammed a finger into my chest before immediately regretting doing that to a guy wearing subtle armor. “Ow… Okay, look. Don’t call a woman a whore unless she is one, ‘kay? ‘Cause it’s just a good way to get kicked in the sack.”

I gave her a hug because I wanted to be as patronizing as possible, but Ladesa hugged back and I knew that it was about more than some sexual harassment, so I let my tongue work its Magic and tried to channel my inner Desmond into my words. “Ladesa… I’m sorry. I know it must seem like I’m picking on you, but this isn’t about some childish words. You feel alone, don’t you?” I added the last part softly so it would stay between us.

She pushed me away and pointed another judicious finger at me, her eyes full of divine fire. “Watch it.”

“I will thank you to-” Maud started before I raised my hands, warding her words off. I also waved off the guard who was coming over with his hand on his bludgeon, but he didn’t go away and just stayed back.

“Raspberry, if you wanna Guild again, then you need to trust me like you trusted Desmond. Maybe more since we’re starting from nothing. I don’t know if being surrounded by like-minded people makes you feel any better because, for some time, it just made me feel more miserable, but I’m not you. I don’t know how to help you as a fellow Guild Member and as a Varas if you won’t communicate with me.”

She pouted and looked away from me. “Stop lecturin’ me like you’re my Da’ or somethin’” She grumbled under her breath. Bitch, are you serious?

I controlled myself like an adult and wrapped shit up because we had to keep it moving. “Okay, I’m sorry for taking a shot at you, and don’t wait for me to ask if you’re alright, okay? I will, but I can’t do jack shit if ya don’t lemme do my thing.”

Ladesa faced me with her blazing irises, not unlike fire caught in amber, taking a step closer. “Miksi sinä välität? (Why do you care?)”

I matched her with my own mottled green eyes. “Olet varas, ja varkaat huolehtivat omasta. (You’re a Varas, and Varas take care of their own.)

It was apparently a good day for women to glare at me with scrutiny (Yes, I made that rhyme. Sue me.) because Ladesa was doing it again. “Haluatko minun perseeni? (Do you want my arse?)”

I gave her the most ‘You should be fucking ashamed for even asking that’ look I could conjure up. “En ole ihastunut muinaisiin teini-ikäisiin. Pidän naisista. (I’m not fond of ancient teenagers. I like women.)” I said brutally.

“Kusipää!” She blurted harshly.

I gave her a smile. “How ya feelin’?”

“Like I should get you away from your lover and drop you off a cliff.” Ladesa huffed.

“Were y’all even speakin’ Equish?” Applejack asked confusedly.

“Not for all of it, no.” I answered. “It was a private conversation anyway.”

“What language was that!? Can you teach it to me?” Twilight asked.

“It was Varic and no. It’s a language that’s only known by a handful of people back on Terra, and it’s why I trust Ladesa with my life.”

“Don’t you trust me with your life?” Twilight asked, using a pity angle that I could sweep easily.

“I can’t teach Varic to someone who isn’t a Varas, and I doubt you want to hand over ten pounds of gold and be branded for the honor.” I said drily.

She paled. “What.”

“I gotta agree with Twilight on this one; What.” Applejack repeated.

“You got branded to learn a language?” Twilight inquired incredulously.

I gave her a look. “No, I got branded to show my devotion to Furladra, Ladesa’s mother once estranged twice removed. Can we head to the Tele-Pad soon? I’m eager to try Equestrian food. Are Equestrian parsnips better than Minosian ones?” I asked, aiming my question at Maud.

“Yes.” She Maud-Nodded.

“Sweet. Let’s make chips before I get press-ganged into being a Ranger.” I clapped my hands together and looked around. “Any takers?”

Twilight gave me a funny look. “Why are you being press-ganged into being a Ranger?”

Fuck. Play it smooth. “Apparently I answered some questions the right-wrong way and earned myself a recruitment. Sounds like it’ll be good for me until I find a regular job.” I said as smoothly as could be.

Maud frowned. “I disapprove.”

I shrugged. “It’s the only reason I’m being allowed into Equestria right now. I’m sure Twilight can overturn it, right?”

Twilight shook her head. “I only have the authority to make you a citizen. We’ll have to ask Celestia to release your from that directly.”

“Then we can do that later.” I shrugged. “What about Ladesa?”

Twilight looked at the old woman. “We’ll see, Gauche. I don’t want to make any promises.”

I nodded. “Okay then. Anyone else care to get a move on?”

“Just taking everything in stride, aren’t you?” Twilight said cheerfully.

“No point in letting any of it get to me, Lover. It’ll all play out how it’s supposed to. Fate’s guiding hand pushes us all along.”

“More like Faith’s guiding hand.” Applejack muttered.

That struck me as odd. “Beg pardon, Applejack?”

The alarm on her face was easy to see, even if you weren’t terribly adept with facial expressions. “I-I didn’t say nothin’!”

I narrowed my eyes at her and Twilight waved my worries away. “Oh, she just said that we were being guided by Faith’s hand.”

I gave Twilight my full attention. “Who’s Faith?”

“The guy who sent us here after you! Twilight already really wanted to come, but she couldn't get permission, but then this weird super old guy, and like, I mean su~uper old, told us to come and bring you to Equestria! How old was he again, Twilight?” Pinkie asked.

“Oh, he’s beyond Eldritch at the levels he talks about. Apparently he was around before any of the countries had their names.” Twilight informed.

“... Okay. Okay, that’s not okay.” I set my Flash Face to interrogation mode. “Twilight, why does this Faith guy want me in Equestria?”

All I garnered for my words was a blank look, like I’d just told a duck that it was going to rain. “Um… We didn’t… Well… I don’t know?” She gave me a sheepish smile.

I took a deep breath and ran my fingers through, my hair, turning away from her before coming right back around, making a clutching motion. “I know you’re naive, but are you trying to get me killed here!? I mean seriously! Some ancient fucker that evidently no one knows, comes along and- Fuckin- Luvva please tell me. Please fucking tell me that you didn’t go on an errand for a guy you know nothing about, to a retrieve another guy you know nothing about, because the first guy said he ‘wanted you to’. Please Twilight. Tell me that’s not the case.” I pinched my index fingers to my thumbs like I was imitating a Lasponite and smiled widely at Twilight.

“... Um… Ah-heh-heh…” Twilight touched her index fingers together. “W-Well, he seemed really nice a-and Celestia said it was okay! If Celestia says he’s a good person then he is!”

The levels of stupid nearly got Twilight slapped. “Dear Furladra, you’re trying to sell me to some Dæmon. I should’ve known it was too good to be fuckin’ true.” I got my hop started to run, but Maud grabbed me before I could go anywhere.

“Epidote, perhaps this ‘Faith’ is one of your Gods? If he is Eldritch, then he would most likely have the power to draw you to Equestria himself. Why would he send Twilight and her friends rather coming himself?” Maud reasoned.

“Why does he want me in the first place!?” I nearly shouted.

“I’m with Gauche on this. Shit’s beyond sketching the sketchiest sketch that’s ever been sketched with lead.” Ladesa said nibbling on her thumbnail.

“Faith just wants ta give ya somethin’.” Applejack said softly.

Twilight turned to face her slowly along with the rest of us. “How would you know that?”

Applejack flinched and rubbed her arm. “... I’ve been talkin’ with him every now and again.”

I waited to say anything, but Twilight didn’t need me to do anything; she had it covered. “What do you mean you’ve been talking to Faith? He hasn't exactly come around!”

“Well, he’s been talkin’ ta me telepathically, ya see…” She chuckled nervously.

“What does he want to give me?” I asked less critically than before.

“I dunno. He don’t tell me much.” Applejack seemed rather uncomfortable, but she had plenty of reason to be.

“Why do you seem to trust this guy then? What’s the basis on this one?”

Applejack looked me in the eye, but Twilight said, “Yeah! You were the one who was saying that Faith was totally sketchy before we started the trip, so what’s he told you to make you like him?”

“I dunno if I actually like Faith, but trust me,” She looked at Twilight, then at myself, letting her gaze linger on me, “Faith is the one guy ya can trust more than anypony else. I doubt that my word means much to ya, but Faith is as good as good gets.”

“Doesn’t really sound like Gauche’s type.” Ladesa said, giggling.

I gave her a blank look. “I really will slug you.”

“Come at me, slowpoke.” She huffed.

Before she could get very far, Maud had her over her shoulder. “I have caught her, Epidote. Dole out your punishment.”

“Heya! That’s not fair!” Ladesa objected, trying to make Maud drop her.

My Sweetheart didn’t even flinch at Ladesa’s blows when they came. “A spanking would be nice and humiliating.”

Ladesa stopped. “Okay, look, I’m sorry, okay!? That’s just not necessary!”

Maud looked at me and I shook my head, so she gave her arse a brutal slap that elicited a loup, “Erk!” followed by an “Oi! I apologized!”

Maud went to drop her like a sack of tubers, but I was quick enough to catch her. “Mauble, now you’re just going overboard.”

Maud’s eyes narrowed ever so slightly. “Are you choosing her over me?”

“No, Maud, but I have an obligation as well as the desire to make sure you don’t fuck up my surrogate sister. You wouldn’t want me messing with Pinkie, would you?”

Twilight scratched her head. “Didn’t you two only meet last night, though?”

“Yeah! You said you two never met!” Pinkie chimed in.

“We haven’t you jackasses.” Ladesa snapped hotly. “We’re bound by the Blood of Furladra. One way or another, we have to get along, and if Miss Psycho Bitch would listen, then she would know that two Varas can’t. Sleep. To-ge-ther. We just can’t. If we tried, someone’s losing a dangler and someone else’s insides fall out, so no. Not. Happening. Besides, Gauche is fine and all-”

“He is more than fine, hussy.” Maud deadpanned.

“He’s not exactly the catch of the day.” Pinkie said bluntly.

“Ow.” I rubbed my chest.

“He is kinda shady. Wouldn’t surprise me none if he was inta some freaky stuff.” Applejack murmured.

“Ow!” I glared at her.

“I can’t say you’re the most handsome Stallion I’ve ever met.” Twilight added in her two shillings.

“Fuckin’ oi!” I flipped each of them off in turn. “The three of you can go fuck yourselves while I figure out whether or not I’m coming to Equestria.”

Applejack raised a hand. “... Um… I just got a little message from Faith… Y’know… If anypony’s interested.”

She had everyone’s attention in moments and carried on. “Ahem. He said to say it word for word, so here it is: ‘Garrison Gadai, you little piece of shit, if you don’t schelp your half-retarded arse to Equestria in the next day, I’m sending you to Hæl, and then I’m giving your soul to Dissida. I don’t give a’, and excuse the language here, but this is him and not me, ‘single flying fuck about how sketchy it is. You get to Equestria and you go to Ponyville, or I will personally beat you for a hundred years. We’ll talk when you get there, and you can even watch while I spank Applejack for not keeping her mouth shut.’. That’s what he said.” Her face was flushed when she finished and she was grinding one of her hooves into the floor.

“... He seriously said that?” Twilight asked.

“Quotin’ him again: ‘Twilight, you’re a sweet girl. Don’t be daft and just do what I bloody told you, yeah?’.”

“... Sounds like Faith got mean.” Ladesa commented idly.

“He said he’d spank you too if ya didn’t zip it until Ponyville.” Applejack grimaced. “I don’t think ya want what I’m gettin’...”

“I don’t think we should bring Gauche back to Equestria if Faith’s going to be an ass about it! We don’t have to let him push us around if we don’t wanna!” Twilight huffed like the woman she was. It was a perfect picture of being difficult in the face of the impossible.

“We don’t have a choice. If Gauche don’t go to Equestria when Faith says he goes, then he doesn’t stay alive, Twi.” Applejack said softly.

“The fuck happened to the goodest of the good bullshit!?” I asked loudly.

“He is, Gauche, it’s just-” Applejack bit her tongue and grimaced. “... That wasn’t an accident. I really can’t say no more than I already have, but I’m tellin’ ya that it’s in your best interest to play along.”

Ladesa tilted her head and closed her eyes. “... Furladra soittaa.”

“Furladra?” I breathed.

“Your Goddess? What of her?” Maud asked quickly.

Ladesa raised a hand. “She’s coming in kinda fuzzy, but she’s saying mene uskossa. Tapaa hänen kanssaan ja vastaanottaa lahjoja. (Go to Faith. Meet him and receive your gifts.)”

“This is coming from Furladra?” I asked.

She nodded. “First time I’ve heard from her since you almost caught the high road to the Nevergreen like what, ten years ago now?.”

“Damn.” I cursed under my breath. “Fucking… Fate’s just being a bitch today, isn’t she?”

“Shut up, you lucky fucker. You’re getting presents from someone who’s probably another God.” Ladesa spat enviously.

“Is there a way I can talk to Furladra? I mean, it’s not that I don’t trust your word, it’s just that this shit is ludicrous.” I said, folding my hands together.

Ladesa shrugged. “It’s up to her, Bruvva.”

I reached inside my armour, under my shirt, and touched the scar that I’d earned for my devout following of the woman I was trying to talk to. “Furladra? Could I have a word? I-If you’re not busy or something like that.”

There was silence after I said that, but that in and of itself was odd. The Teleportation Station had a constant buzz about it that was a little deafening, but wasn’t too bad, but then the sounds faded away into nothing. I looked around as my vision faded and Maud grabbed my arm, her face being the last thing I saw before my senses failed me completely. However, closing my eyes and reopening them had me looking at one of, if not the most, beautiful women I’d ever seen. Her hair was raven black, and her eyes a bright, enchanting green, straight off of the Guild’s flag. Her skin was as fair as snow, giving her the appearance of a vampire from the legends with how ghostly she was, but it just added to her near ethereal beauty, her blood-freezing elegance. I looked to her lips and saw that they were plump and stained a deep, rosy red that stood out just that much more against her pale features. She had an obviously Avalesch nose, and if the eyes hadn’t given it away, the slight bump in the bridge would have done so shortly after. If I didn’t know in my heart that Maud’s heart would be broken, I would’ve dropped everything and offered my soul to the woman in front of me.

After all, I owed it to her.

“Mistress?” I breathed, barely above a whisper.

Furladra gave me a sultry smile and sashayed over to me, closing the negligible distance between us before wrapping her arms around my neck. “Wotcher, Sweetlove. How are we doing today?”

I blinked a few times, trying to shove the heretical thoughts down to the bottom of the sea. “Um… Doing well. Doin’ well… So… Hi there.”

Her smile grew and she pecked me on the cheek; more than enough to set my face alight. “Oh come on, Sweetlove. You can do better than that.”

“Mistress, I’m-”

“Call me Furry or Ladra. You’ve more than earned the honor, Lover-Boy.”

“... I’m sorry, but pure, unadulterated heresy is running through my mind right now.” I said blankly.
Furladra, the woman I’d worshipped since I was a boy, even more so than Sinthia, swayed us from side to side. “Garrison, you wanna know something?”

“If you’re saying it’s important, it probably is.” I replied dumbly.

She chuckled. “You just get cuter by the second! No, Sweetlove. I want to tell you that no one offers up their best loot when they give me my share. No one. Not even Desmond.”

My jaw set and I spoke through gritted teeth. “Fuckin’ seriously?”

‘Ladra’ rolled her eyes. “There’s a whole lot of nothing that you can do about it now, Lover-Boy, so save the righteous fury for someone you can take it out on. No, my loyal friend, you are the only person who ever gave me what I asked for. When you became a Gadai at twelve, the youngest there’s ever been, you accepted the rules and you played by them. You never hid anything from me, even if your faith in the Gods was weak. You always gave me your best baubles, so I gave you the blessing that all of my followers can get, but just don’t earn. Your instincts.” She let her hands slide over my shoulders and up my neck to cup my face. “As a little bonus for being so loyal, I gave you a little title that you might like. Varas Tuuli.” She breathed, her lips mere inches away from mine.

I had to stop her. I had to put my hands on her shoulders and push her away, had to stay faithful to Maud, but what I had to do and what I did ended up being different things. Furladra kissed me and I let it happen, feeling dirty all the while, but I’d never had a more fulfilling experience in my entire life. Nothing had made me feel like I’d done it all like that one kiss with Furladra, and the feeling she gave me, the emotion that carried as we locked lips, was like getting away clean from a big mark and counting your coins when you landed. The feeling was addictive, and despite my rational mind asking for me to shut shit down, I couldn’t bring myself to deny Furladra. I also couldn't bring myself to do much more than place my hands on her hips, but she was happy to get closer enough for my member to press against her.

In my defense, she’s a literal. Fucking. Goddess. You try not to stiffen up from just looking at her, dammit!

A part of me hoped that my treacherous actions would be put to a halt, but a larger piece of me wanted to show Furladra that I was willing to devote my body as well as my heart and soul to her. However, she broke the kiss and laced her arms around my neck once more, the slight height difference not making it difficult for her at all since she was apparently a tall woman. I’d always imagined her to be physically smaller, but when she looked into my eyes… It was indescribable. I knew that she was well aware of everything, and I mean everything, that I’d done in her name, and she approved. Trouncing uppity Gadai? Approved. Robbing the rich to give to kids who weren’t much younger than me? Double approved. Torching a nest of Brotherhood assassins for coming after one of ours? It was more than approved in her eyes. I wouldn’t have found it odd if she’d said that she found it… Moistening? I guess that would be the word for it. Knicker-soaking could be another, but the point is that Furladra liked what she saw, and that was satisfying beyond words.

“There’s more where that came from, Lover-Boy.” My Goddess gave me a wink. “I won’t come whenever you call, but you can ask for a word at the end of the day and I might be tempted to come for a visit. It wouldn’t hurt if you gave me something for my time, however.” She giggled and patted my chest, directly where her mark lay. “Kidding, of course. If you want to keep making offerings, then feel free, but I’ve already collected your dues. You’re good.”

“... What do you mean I’m good?” I asked.

“You’ve paid your fees.” She gave me a warm smile. “You’re not the first to earn a place by my side, if you care to take it, but you are the first to do it in a single Varkaan elämä (Thief’s Life. Thirteen years and a day, to be exact, because few thieves make it longer than that.), and that’s impressive. You know, my standards are very high.” She gave me another salacious look.

“... I’ve essentially promised my hand to Maud.” I said foolishly, my voice an octave higher than normal.

“Keep her for your mortal life. She might be a Grit, but she’s a good one as far as I can tell.” Ladra gave me a somewhat pouty look, though I hesitate to say ‘pouty’ about a fucking Goddess of all people.

“I-If you want me to break up with her, then I will.” I said resolutely. “I swore that my life was yours, that all I had would be yours. I honor my oaths.”

Furladra smiled and kissed the stubble on my chin. “Very nice, but unnecessary. I can’t keep this up forever, so I’ll leave you with this; don’t pine after me. You’ll have me in time, Sweetlove. All in due time.”

She went to kiss me, but I swayed back and asked, “Wait! What does me being the Varas Tuuli have to do with anything.”

Ladra gave me a little look. “It means you have Magic, you just have to figure out how to use it. Someone else already told you that, but he’s cryptic and a lot stronger than me, so I probably shouldn’t have said that.”

“... There’s someone more powerful than a Goddess?” I asked with little belief in my voice.
“There’s a lot of people stronger than me, Lover-Boy.” Furladra rolled her eyes. “They don’t take as much interest in things as the Gods you know, but they are out there. Can I kiss you goodbye now?”

“Don’t let me stop you.” I answered.

And I did not stop her, which I did not regret, but when the sensation of her lips left me, I opened my eyes to see that I’d gone from the void to the Teleportation Station without moving at all. “... Whoa.”

“Gauche?” Was chorused from all around me.

Ladesa huffed. “Mum talked to you, didn’t she?”

I looked at Maud. “She kissed me, not the other way around.”

Maud tilted her head. “What? You have gone nowhere.”

“No, I just met Furladra.” I chuckled, running my hand through my hair. “I just fuckin’ met Furladra…”

“And she kissed you?” Ladesa asked, staggered.

I nodded slowly. “She wants me by her side when my time comes.”

“Fuck you.” Ladesa grumbled. “I can’t even get her to let me hold my own offerings and you just up and get a seat next to her throne!? This is such bullshit!”

Applejack foolishly stepped in the path of the raging bull. “Whoa now, Sugarcube. I don’t think it’s worth gettin’ all upset over-”

“Look here you wheat-chewin’, heather-humpin’ hick: When your Mum starts showin’ love to everyone but you, then you can say shit. When your Mum banishes you from your home, then you can say shit. When your own Mother makes you live out damn near a thousand years in thirteen year cycles, taking the face you wore along with each one, then you can say shit. Until then? I don’t wanna fuckin’ hear it.” Ladesa seethed, tears in her eyes, raw emotion in her voice.

Applejack held her hands up in defeat. “I hear ya, Sugarcube. No need to do anythin’ crazy.”

Ladesa crossed her arms and I put a hand on her shoulder, but she brushed me off. “Can we just go now? Aren’t we gonna miss whatever we’re doing?” She asked shakily.

“Sure thing, Lover. Let’s get a move on.” I said soothingly.

It didn’t take anymore cajoling to leave that conversation behind, and with that, we were on our way to the Tele-Pad, and there were no more disturbances. At least, not from within my little group. There were a few Minotaurs that got into it with a group of Naga, but it was a decent distance away from where we needed to be, so that was fine. Ladesa’s mood didn’t seem to be improving and I doubted that the favoured consort would be comforting to the forsaken daughter, so I stayed my hand and let Twilight try to work her Magic while Maud interrogated me about the kisses with Furladra. I was honest with her as far as her inquiries about whether or not I could have stopped her her, but when she asked who I’d rather be with, I had to stick to what I knew best.

“Maud, I’m so fucking confused right now that eating a lit glob of poo seems like a better idea than doing anything to make the situation better. I don’t even know where to go. Walk into a padded deathtrap or take the easy way out and live with the person who’s protected me for fifteen long years…” I rubbed my cheeks and took calming breaths, but I was kind of close to losing it completely. My entire world had been completely rocked. Again.

Well, until Maud asked, “Whose love did you have to buy?”

I dropped my hands from my face and looked at Maud, lips quaking. “Gods... “ I chuckled. “FUCK!”

Maud took me into her arms, ready to console me as soon as she saw the ‘wound’ appear. “What is wrong, Epidote? Is the cognitive dissonance giving you a headache?”

I half laughed, half cried into her shoulder. “I’m so fucking lost right now and all I know is that you’ve been here for me ever since we’ve met. It’s so fucking obvious that I love you, but I owe my very existence to Furladra.” And no matter where I turn, I’m getting pushed into doing shit I don’t really want to do by people who put up a smile and follow up with an iron fist! All the fucking while my hands are getting bloodier and bloodier and now I’m lined up to be a Ranger on top of pulling Bite-Back duty!? What the. FUUUCK!? And why the fuck is Ladesa here? Seriously? This bitch is a child. And I swear to Furladra, thanks for the kisses you mind-scrambling bitch, if I have to build a new Guild on top of doing a bunch of already sketchy shit, I’m just going to climb the highest thing I can find and do a fucking flip. That’s not even mentioning the fucking ‘Faith’ bullshit going on with Applejack. Fuckin ‘Blah blah blah, I hear voices and they say go to Equestria or go to Hæl’ well fuck that shit! Gah! Why the fuck is my life so fucking fuckery FUCKED out of fucking NOWHERE!? If there is a One Above All, some kind of grand being that created all life; grant me a swift end. Here and now. Fuckin’. Try me.

I had a lot going on in my head at the moment. Press charges, why dontcha?

Maud started to say something before we heard the girls start arguing. “Epidote, I will not let them cause you further stress. Turn away so I can whack them.”

“Maud-”

“A Varas never goes for a Grit! It’s just unheard of!” Ladesa said loudly.

“Well who are you to say what’s right and what’s wrong!?” Pinkie shouted back.

I looked at Maud and she gave me one of her precious rare smiles. “I will be right back.”

‘That’s my girl.’ I thought as Maud practically glided toward the arguing group of overzealous females. It was a perfect moment to show that Maud had a lot of facets. She herself, was like a geode; there was so much beauty tucked away inside of her, and the only way to see it was to pay attention, and that beauty was captivating when she showed off her intellectual side. If you actually tried to give a shit about what she was talking about, noticed the minute levels of inflection she used for different rocks, then you could tell that she wore her heart on her sleeve. Then you have the sweet, flirty, witty Maud that shines like polished marble, and it’s an insight into her personality that you have to pay attention to see. Finally, you have Madam Skullcracker, who was making an appearance as she somehow gathered all four squabbling women into a group hug/headbutt that was… Their faces when they staggered away from Maud were priceless.

“Act your age. You are all Mares and pay your own way through life through your own means. Act like civilized adults, and I will treat you as civilized adults. Act like disgraces and I will treat you as such.” Maud said, plain and simple.

“Owie… I’m telling Dad.” Pinkie said loud enough for me to hear as I walked over.

Maud pointed at her. “Tell Dad and I will do it twice.”

Pinkie glared at her, but she shut up. Ladesa, however, was hot headed. “Fuck off.”

Maud popped her neck and it sounded like the crack of tree limb breaking suddenly in triplicate. “I will eradicate you.”

Ladesa looked at me, so I looked back and said, “You’ve gotta show a little respect sometime. I might feel for you, but I’ve been making excuses all day.”

“So you’re just turning your back on me!?” She cried.

I looked at Maud. “Mauble, remember what I said earlier? And I doubt you’d be happy to be be headbutted.”

“She said that we should not be together.” Maud deadpanned.

I looked over at Ladesa. “Guildies have married Grits before.”

“It’s still unusual, and that’s all I’m saying here. It’s not the norm, and it’s just odd for me to see an obvious Brawler go for… You.” She shook her head. “I’m not against ya, I’m just tryin’ to figger it out.”

“Don’t waste your time.” Maud replied. “It does not need to make sense to anypony other than Gauche and I.”

Ladesa looked at me and I shrugged. “I agree with her. Varas or not, I don’t have to justify my partner to you.”

“That’s not what the look was for!”

“Then why were you looking at me?”

“Because I was trying to figger out how to say that I just can’t get it out of my head without bein’ weird about it and lookin’ at Maud too long makes me feel like I’m eyin’ her an’ she looks like she hits too hard!”

“Fuckin’ truth.” I grumbled. Louder, I said, “Stop being shifty and try to keep it quiet, okay? Apparently this Faith guy doesn’t want you talking anyway, so…” I shrugged.

Ladesa sighed. “Whatever. I gotcha.”

I gave her a nod. “Thanks, Raspberry. Maud?”

Maud looked at me as calmly as she could. “Yes, Epidote?”

“You’re the best.” I got a little closer to her and extended a hand. “That’s all.”

“She’s a butthead.” Twilight grumbled as Maud accepted my offering.

“All aboard! All aboard the Tele-Pad to Manehattan! All aboard the Tele-Pad to Manehattan!” Someone called out through a system known as an ‘intercom’. I don’t know how it worked, but the voice came from many places at once, so that was odd.

With the trip nearly halfway done, Twilight lead the group to the Tele-Pad and got us settled in at one of the little mini circles within the giant rune itself. Once we were all settled in, Twilight started telling me all about how I was going to love Ponyville and the people there, but I wasn’t sure how well I was going to like a place that Maud had described as ‘Complete color overload. Too many clashing colours.’. However, I just waited for the trip to be over, and within the blink of an eye, it was. I was a little nauseous after the sudden jolt, but that was the worst of it.

After that, I was finally in Equestria.

Author's Notes:

At this point in the story, I'm really feeling it, but it slows down a lot from here, to be honest with you. About half of Chapter Nine and the entirety of Chapters Ten and Eleven take place in the same fuckin' day, and I realized that about halfway through eleven. However, the time difference between Minosia and Equestria is equivalent to the difference between Greece and the East Coast of The States, which is to say that our protagonists left at two~three o'clock and arrived at eight~nine.

Fuckin' full day, it was. It's over as of me writing this A/N (8:29 am 4/10/18) and it has been for about three hours now, give or take, but I forgot how long a day could fuckign last toward the end of Road to Redemption. When shit slows down, shit slows down.

Kinda.
As Always, Stay Cool, Kids.