~*~

Why was I the one this happened to?

What did I do wrong?

Was I a bad pony? Just built with a seed in my heart that grew into a forest of misfortune around me? Did I invite this on myself, was I happy too often? Did I take it for granted.

Tell me, please, why do I deserve this life.

They were only words.

It was for a purpose, a cause.

It was only words.

I must understand the importance of words, she told me.

I didn't understand until much later, years later, decades later.

She left me with only words. So I would understand just how important they are. But I always knew, I always knew my words were so important, and I tried to use them for good. I tried to help. I tried to keep everyone safe. Tried to make sure that sort of tragedy never happened again.

I had to make sacrifices. I had to. There was no other moral choice I could make and still live with myself. And it hurt me, more than anyone can understand, more than she ever knew. It hurt me so much that, even knowing it was the right thing to do, it was hard to live with myself. I was damned either way. It still hurts me, it hurts me like someone stabbing from the inside out, trying to break free of my chest.

I did what I had to. I did my best.

And she shut me away with nothing but words and my thoughts. As if I was in time out to think about what I'd done.

It wasn't fair. It's not fair. I just want things to be fair, is that so much to ask, is that wrong?

Please, I am sorry, I feel sorrow every day of my existence, every instance I am still conscious. I can only say it so many ways, but it never is enough, it never makes things right. I am sorry.

I am sorry.

I AM SORRY

i am sorry

I am sorry

ʎɹɹos ɯɐ I

I am sorry

i am Sorry

I am sorry

I am sorry

I Am SORRY

How does she want me to say it? What is the right form of these words to appease her? To free me? Do I need to say it enough times? With the right emphasis? I have never even been given a hint or direction, shouldn't I have at least that? Haven't I suffered enough?

It's not fair. It was never fair. Nothing about this is fair. Please, just make it stop.

Make it all stop.

Please.

Help me.

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