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Broken Bindings

by anonpencil

Chapter 19: Page 19

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Page 19

~*~

I know I say sorry too much, so I'm going to try to avoid it here. But I did want to mention something about myself and the way I speak and think. I got to understand your mind a little better, so I kind of feel like I owe you this much. A fair trade in a way, quid pro quo.

Sometimes when I speak and when I think, I have troubles keeping all my thoughts sorted inside my head. It feels like I just keep filling up and up and up, and then it all eventually spills over. And when it spills it drains out from me in waves until I feel used up and empty. My mother, when I was young, always told me I was too sensitive, that I had a tendency to overreact or get emotional about little things. Things that didn't matter to others mattered to me immensely, and sometimes it kind of made people uncomfortable. It was worse when I was younger, but it still happens sometimes.

Once, when it rained, she found me out in the grass crying hysterically. Apparently I had looked out the window and seen all the worms out of their holes, wiggling on the ground. I'd realized that they were dying in the water, drowning because they had no ability to swim to a surface or find a dry place to survive. For some reason, that had really gotten to me, impacted my child mind. It didn't seem fair to me, it didn't seem right that they should drown just because they were worms. So I'd gone out into the rain, crying and frantic, and had begun picking up worms, as many as I could find, so that they wouldn't die. When my mother asked me why I was doing that, why it mattered to me, I told her that helpless things shouldn't die without anyone caring.

She brought me a rain coat and let me keep doing it. She didn't have the heart to stop me.

I still don't know if I even cared that much about the worms themselves. I think maybe it was one of those cases of my thoughts spilling over. I saw them dying as unfair, unjust. The concept of them dying, more than their deaths themselves, made me so distressed, so panicky. Even though they were just worms, all my feelings about life and death just overflowed, and it left me in the rain, trying to play hero. I don't even remember what I did with the worms after that, or if I saved them. I just remembered I cried for them like I'd loved them all my life.

So, I guess what I'm saying is that if I seem a little off, or it seems like my thoughts can't all just stay in one place, it's not your fault. It's not because I'm actually losing my grip on myself or falling apart or anything like that. It might just be because I have so many thoughts and feelings that I'm full to bursting. And they leak out onto the page in ways I don't always expect or mean.

I don't want to scare you away. I don't want you to think poorly of me. I just want you to be happy. I want to entertain you.

You deserve to be happy.

Next Chapter: Page 20 Estimated time remaining: 56 Minutes
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