Author's Notes:

I have no idea what shrooms I was on while writing this, but it makes me happy to write things for my friends and for them to reward me for it, so here you are.

"Can't drive the mail truck, she says. Walking disaster, she says." Derpy stomped through the corridors of CHS with a scowl on her face. Normally, she was a very peaced-out girl with a fondness for muffins, but today, she was not feeling it in the slightest. "When I see my boss again, I'm gonna give her a real piece of my mind..."

Derpy saw something out of the corner of her eye and stopped in her tracks. She turned towards it and saw a purple necklace lying on the desk in the room ahead. A star was emblazoned on the front and a number of small beads strung out from both sides. She squinted her eyes, trying her hardest to un-derp them and get a better view of the object. But that proved fruitless as she just saw a blurry mess.

"What the...?" She slowly walked into the room and threaded her fingers through the cord of the necklace. Derpy brought the necklace up to her nose and finally made out the picture on the front. "Ooh. This looks pretty!"

Just as she was about to put it on, the school bell rang, signalling the end of the day. Students poured out of all of the rooms behind her until the corridors were so packed that it seemed impossible for her to get out without pushing through some people.

Derpy just shrugged and tucked the necklace away in her pocket and headed out of the room. She didn't notice the glow that it emanated or the little trickles of magic that seeped out of the pocket and onto the ground.

As Derpy slipped into the swarm of students leaving CHS, she thought of nothing else but her boss, who had been so blind and turned her away from her duty. Derpy was ditzy, but turning a mail delivery girl away from a mail truck was like telling a farmer to get rid of all of his animals, or a fast food maker to stop making fast food. She wanted to face-palm at the whole scenario, but she had other things to attend to today.

Derpy stepped into the beating heat of the sun with the rest of the students. Every time she tried looking up at the scorching ball, she always wanted to reach out and touch it. No matter how many times she tried, though, it disappeared in her hands only to reappear high in the sky. One day, she would take the sun for her own.

After a few minutes, Derpy started making her way down the street towards her house. On the way, she saw a mailtruck drive by. Just catching a glimpse of the aforementioned vehicle made Derpy's blood boil over what her boss had told her. A small frown crossed her face as she dropped her brows.

"My stupid boss..." Derpy trudged forward, hunching her back as she went down the path. "She thinks I can't drive a mailtruck, just because of a few mishaps I've had with those packages. Okay, I admit that I've dropped or mislabeled a few things, but that doesn't mean I can't drive!"

As Derpy went off on a tirade to herself about how her boss was a horrible person, she noticed that the necklace in her pocket began to glow brightly through the crack in her pocket. She looked down at it and dug back into her pocket, fishing out the necklace she had retrieved earlier.

"What is this thing, anyway? Aside from looking pretty shiny that is..." Derpy was seemingly mesmerized by the necklace, unable to take her eyes off of it as she watched the little specks of coloured energy spit out of the back.

"Actually, now that I look at it, I think this necklace would look pretty great on me." Derpy brought the crystal close to her neck and started to slip it on around her neck. "It'd certainly make my boss seem pretty envious, that's for sure. Plus, I might get some compliments out of my co-workers too."

Derpy fiddled around with the necklace, trying so hard to get the clip on at the back. Without a helping hand, the entire thing was much more of an ordeal than usual. The parts were so small and finicky that it was very easy for her to miss the parts or break the cord itself. She grunted and groaned as she tried in vain to put it in.

In the end, Derpy was finally able to strap it on, and she stood back up with the crystal pressing against her neck. She smiled and began to walk back down the street, unaware that the magic was still seeping out and began to make her glow a shade of grey.

"Oh... I don't feel very well all of a sudden." Derpy felt a rumble in her stomach as she felt her muscles and organs begin to tighten up. "Maybe I shouldn't have had that extra-spicy taco as well as my muffins today." She hobbled forward, trying to walk off the pain, but it still grew and bubbled around inside of her. "Maybe I should see a doctor about this."

As Derpy tried taking another step forward, she began to feel really heavy in her feet. She couldn't even take another step and had to start dragging her feet across the ground. Her hands quickly followed, and she found herself stuck. Her bottom stuck out in the air and began to lock up.

"What's... happening... to—" before she could say the last word, a loud car honk popped out of her mouth instead. She couldn't even gasp or bring her hands to her mouth.

Derpy's body began to grow and expand in size, while her arms and legs began to stretch out, twist, and contort. Her limbs were placed like a car's axles and her hands and feet quickly transformed into four large wheels. Her back morphed itself into a large van's storage door and collapsed to fit the frame on her lower body. The rest of her chest and belly followed suit until was the spitting image of a mailtruck, complete with a large muffin painted on the side of it. The final piece of the transformation was Derpy's face, which she tried desperately to keep. Eventually, her face was forced to smile, and said smile bulged out wider and wider until it became the front exhaust. Her nose became the brand for the type of truck she was becoming, her hair turned into the hood's paint job, and her eyes popped out and turned into a pair of bright headlights. And the icing on the cake on this transformation was a pair of license plates, each one saying "D3RPY" on the front and back.

As for the interior of the vehicle Derpy had become, there was a radio on the dashboard with an air freshener depicting a muffin with "I ♥ Muffins" under it. The seats were grey leather and there were cup holders by each of the front doors. She could feel that there were parcels in the rear, but she couldn't tell what they were or even how heavy they were.

Derpy made one last attempt at talking, but couldn't say anything that wasn't car honks. She tried to move the knobs with her sheer will alone and rattled the van around on its' frame to try and turn the dials. It took her a while, but she finally turned the knobs and felt the radio turn on.

"Hello?" She called through the radio. "Is anyone there? Come and help me!" She cried, but the only thing her voice could reach was the silence and not even that could fix things. "Great. I'm stuck as a mailtruck..."

As she slowly drove herself off of the pavement and on to the road, the sudden realization struck her. "I'm stuck as a mailtruck... I'm stuck as a mailtruck! This is amazing!" She pepped right back up and drove faster. "Hah! Suck it, boss! Who's not fit to drive the mailtruck now?!"

As Derpy drove down the track, the first thing she wanted to do was try and show off to all of her co-workers at the post office, but then she pictured driving herself into the building and causing a lot of damage. She didn't even want to see the part of her daydream of the boss talking her ear off.

"Y'know what? I think I should deliver everyone's mail by myself!" Derpy smiled and dashed down the road. "I'm sure that everyone's just dying to get home to see the sight of a beautiful parcel sitting out by their front doors. I'd leave them some muffins as well, but... I don't think that's gonna be happening any time soon." Derpy just turned the corner and headed down the streets. "Now, who should I start with?"

Applejack finally arrived back at her barn, wiping the sweat off of her brow after the trek she had taken. Most others would have hated living so far away from school that the walk was like a long marathon for them, but Applejack was used to it by this point. Her sister, Applebloom, came home just behind her, and she was let in first.

"Now you head upstairs and get washed up, Applebloom. Dinner's not fer a few hours, but that ain't no excuse not to keep clean," said Applejack as she watched Applebloom run upstairs to drop her bag off. "Granny Smith's making somethin' real special tonight, so ah think it'd be nice if we clean ourselves up for the occasion."

Just as Applejack was about to go inside, she could hear the sound of a car driving up behind her. She turned around to see what it was and found Derpy riding up the hill. There was mud on her wheels and some splattered over the muffin on her sides.

"Huh? We weren't expecting any mail today..." Applejack leaned in and lowered her brows at the oncoming truck, and had to take a few steps back to avoid being slammed away by the rear end, which came rushing along at breakneck speeds. "Who in tarnation is driving that thing anyway?!" Applejack spluttered as she saw the truck come back to her front door.

"Sorry about that, AJ!" Derpy's radio said. She didn't know that Applejack couldn't hear her, though. "I have your package right here." She turned around to make her rear face the front door of Applejack's house, then opened the door to the back up slowly.

"Wait, hang on! You're making a—" As it opened all the way, the boxes fell out all over Applejack, covering her in metal kitchen utensils. Some bowls, spatulas, ladles, and a few knives tumbled out, landing around or on Applejack. The sheer amount of steel caused her to fall to the ground in a heap, with swirls in her eyes and stars above her head.

"Sorry! I didn't think to check if they'd moved around mid-drive!" Derpy closed the back door up and drove back off. "Don't worry about the signature! I've got you totally covered! See you at school tomorrow!"

"Applejack! Ah heard a loud crashin' noise!" Applebloom ran back down the stairs. "What happened ta... you?"

Applejack groaned and shook her head wildly. "Applebloom. Remind me never to use Amarezon ever again." She scowled and climbed out of the pile of kitchen supplies.

"Ohmigod! I'm TOTALLY behind schedule!" Derpy took notice of a clock out of the corner of her headlights as she rode down the path. "If I don't get everyone's mail delivered on time, I could be fired! Or even worse, I'll lose my muffin breaks!" She forced the accelerator of her new body down. "We've gotta pick up the pace!"

Derpy rocketed down the path, the boxes in her rear end shaking and rattling all around the place as she made sharp turns down the roads and skidded on her wheels. As she blasted down another path, she didn't even notice the police officer waiting for her on the side of the road.

"Chief. We've got a weird callout here," said the policeman on a walkie-talkie reading the speed on the radar gun. "There's a mailtruck going fifteen miles over the limit here on Kestral Lane,"

"Well, get on it, Swift." A man's voice came from the other end. "What's its' license plate?"

"I don't even know what the license plate is myself, sir. It's not only unrecognized by the state, but it also makes no sense whatsoever." Swift leaned back into the car and drove off after Derpy. "It said D3RPY, but I don't know what the heck that could mean."

"If it's an unlicensed car, then that's even more of a punishment for the guy driving it," said the man. "Actually, is it a man driving?"

"That's even weirder still, Chief Armor," said Swift. "It looked like there was no-one driving the car whatsoever!"

"Just keep on that mailtruck, Swift. Don't question it," Chief Armour's voice got exasperated. "They're obviously trying to avoid a mugshot too. Whoever's driving that thing really wants to avoid the long arm of the law. But I'm telling you right now, it's not gonna happen. Now, move it!"

"Well... alright." Swift floored it and turned on the police lights, insinuating a chase across the streets of Canterlot.

"Huh?" Derpy tried to look behind to see who was chasing her, but she could only turn as much as the streetlights could turn and just had to keep on her way.

"Stop the vehicle immediately! You're in violation of multiple road laws!" Swift yelled through a megaphone, transmitting his voice to the whole neighbourhood.

"I can't stop! I need to deliver everyone's mail on time and be a really useful mail-delivery girl!" Derpy cried and sped on down yet another path. "I'm so sorry, mister-shouty-voice!"

"Not gonna stop, eh?" Swift put the speaker away and tightened his grip on the wheel. "Good. It's the best part of my job when they try to resist." A sinister smirk crossed his face.

Eventually, Derpy and Swift's chase ended up on the larger roads of the city, where many more cars and civillians were going about their daily lives. As the chaos ensued, people jumped out of the roads and some even screamed at the event. These cries were swiftly silenced when more police cars joined Swift in the chase and started popping out of some of the darker and shadier streets.

"More shouty people?" Derpy caught a little glimpse of the officers behind her. "Why don't you just leave me alone?! I'm just trying to do my job and deliver everyone's mail! Why can't you just leave an innocent mailtruck in peace?"

Swift and the others started to close the gap between themselves and Derpy, getting inches away from attaching hooks to the back of her axles and stopping her in her tracks. As they readied the hooks, they saw the back of Derpy's van open wide up.

"What are they doing?!" Swift asked. "Are they trying to jettison their weight on us?"

"No! Close up, me!" Derpy tried to shift her back door shut again. "These parcels are for the good people, not these shouty-meanies!"

Just as Derpy closed back up, a stockpile of inkwells and bananas fell out. The ink poured all over the roads, causing the police cars to slip and slide over it. The bananas were the final nail in their coffins as the cars spiralled all around the road and crashed into street lamps and shops, causing massive property damage. Through some miracle of god, nobody was injured, and the cops just ended up banging their heads on the wheels of their cars, which deployed airbags shortly afterwards.

"Noooo!" Derpy wailed at the sight of the spilled goods. "Those were probably going to go to some good writers who loved eating bananas..."

As the madness died down, Derpy tried to slow herself down now that she was out of the chase. But she stopped too heavily and ended up rolling off of the road and spinning around on her sides, with loud bangs and crashes accompanying her grunts of pain and agony. Through all of this, the necklace she had put on to start all of this flew out of the glove box and popped out of the side of the rolling vehicle.

Without the magical geode to keep her in that form, Derpy quickly transformed back into her teenage girl form as she finally slowed down. She ended her tumbling escapades outside a stately house, with her legs spread out to her sides and the necklace landing right by her laps again.

"Oh..." Derpy moaned and rubbed her head, feeling a headache coming on. She looked down at the crystal one more time and started to tear up. "I've ruined everything. And it's all your fault, you stupid piece of junk!" She threw the necklace away, with it landing by a group of other girls with similar-looking necklaces but with differing colours.

"Now what do I do?" Derpy shakily stood back up and adjusted her vision to the house before her. It was quite large and well-kept, with a bunch of clocks hanging from the walls inside. "Wait a minute!" she gasped. "I know this place..."

Derpy ran inside the house, opening the door with ease. She shut it behind her and frantically started looking around the house for somebody, though most of the rooms appeared empty. She was even tempted to try looking upstairs, but could tell that there'd be nothing up there for her.

In the end, Derpy found her way down to the basement and saw a large laboratory, with test tubes, bunsen burners, phials, and more littering the white desks. And right in the center of it all was a large red phone box with the phone itself hanging on a spiral cord. There was also a large hourglass symbol on the top of the box, but it was impossible to make out from her angle.

"Doctor? Is that you?" Derpy ran towards the phone box and slipped inside, caressing the phone in her hands before bringing it to her ears. "Hello?"

"Don't ask. It's a long story," said a british man's voice on the other side of the phone.