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A Bug on a Stick

by Orbiting Kettle

Chapter 1

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The small puddle of shiny, black goo and misplaced teeth blubbered in the mound on the forest floor. Half a dozen fangs formed a rough circle, mutated in a hole and finally, with a brief screeching carrying undertones of headaches and putrescence, collapsed on themselves with a shiver.

Celestia considered herself to be far savvier than most of the mares in the stories told around the fire during cold winter nights and took her time to observe the thing carefully. It was quite evidently not a simple puddle of mud with delusions of grandeur. For one, it was black and had teeth. Two, it had oozed out of a screaming hole in the air. She was quite sure both facts were hints at something special going on.

A tentacle-like thing appendage rose from the mass, grew a couple of spikes and splashed back, a wet plop resounding through the otherwise silent forest.

Establishing it was special still hadn't narrowed things down significantly. She still didn't have any better idea of what the thing was, aside from a bit gross. She needed more facts with which to work.

Celestia looked up to the crowns of the trees. The only sound was the churning of the thing and the wind blowing through the leaves. She could neither see nor hear any other animal; it was as if every single squirrel, bird, and mouse had decided to vacate the place.

She looked back at the goo and stepped around it. It seemed vaguely aware of her presence, boils bloating up in whichever direction she went.

Right there was a squishy, smelly mystery challenging her. She was a Queen, a philosopher, an archmage and a warrior. Nothing could withstand her intellect or her power, certainly not a pudding in the woods. Her horn ignited, she grinned and said, "You shall reveal me your secrets." Her golden aura flamed up, the most powerful instrument of inquiry known to pony-kind held in her magic.

The pink-maned, white-coated unicorn filly stuck out her tongue from the side of her mouth and poked the thing with a stick.

It squirmed and bubbled, it protruded some bulges up towards Celestia, then squeaked. And a moment later, it became immobile. Celestia leaned her head to the side, squinted at it, then pushed her stick forward again. It happened in an instant. Fangs broke through the shiny surface, the sides retreated and, in the space of a blink, it dashed upwards, teeth glinting in the afternoon sun.

Celestia shrieked, stumbled backward and fell on her haunches, the stick still held in her aura.

The black mass hung on the stick like an oversized drop of honey on a spoon, an evil cauliflower speared on her tool of truth-uncovering, a fat booger with its fangs buried deep in the wood. And then it opened a single, big eye as large as an apple. It was vacuous, the iris an irregular spot of green and violet, and the pupil was star-shaped, slowly changing and drifting in the yellowish sclera. It vibrated for a second, emitted a wet "Blorp", then stared at Celestia.

The filly calmed her ragged breathing and gulped. The eye looked somehow wrong, even if she couldn't put her hoof on why. It wasn't the gross approximation of it that disturbed her, as it kind of matched with the rest of the thing. Nor was it that the eye was floating in what amounted to a black ball of goop with a habit of biting stuff. That was actually pretty nifty, at least in a gross and completely inappropriate way. No, it was that there seemed to be some form of predatory intelligence there, and not of the animal variety.

The thing crawled along the stick in Celestia's direction.

Biting her lip, she turned the stick upside down. The thing held itself for a second, then it poured downwards and rested at the lower end, like a big, fat, black, and frowning drop. The bark on the stick itself had disappeared from the length the thing had covered before. It vibrated again, then bared some teeth and hissed.

Celestia squinted at it and said, "You are ugly and disgusting." She sniffed. "And you stink." The thing clattered with its teeth. A smile began to spread on her muzzle. "That's the smell of adventure. I like you, you will be my new pet!"

Her magic reached out and a bundle of sticks floated up beside her. With a chuckle, a skip, and a hissing abomination in tow, the little unicorn went home.


The universe chafed on its essence. Reality pushing back was expected, soon the resistance would be eroded, the foundations would be gnawed through and the bars of coherence would snap.

This was as it should be.

And yet it could feel something else, something perplexing. It was a stream, pushing on its sides, hinting at a direction, opening possibilities.

It examined the sensation.

The stream was a force unknown to it. Fundamental to the local definition of truth, yet not an axiom. There was intent, direction.

It could either follow or subvert it. There was power in both choices. And yet, when the stream had touched it, it had been... pleasant?

Such a strange concept. It would need time to dissect it, once it had seen to more immediate issues.

It was time to find a way to break free of the confinement in physical reality. Putting its manifestation into a prison made of long-dead meat had been smart, but would be ultimately futile. It may be difficult to eat it for the moment, but that would change.

It just needed time to consume its way out of it, and time was something it had in abundance.

At the end, it had all of it.


Blades of light cut the shades of the shed, penetrating from the gaps and the cracks in the wooden walls. Dust floated in a lazy dance. All over the floor of pressed dirt stood old farming equipment in various states of decay. On one side, leaning against a wall, thick logs were stacked high up to the ceiling, a slight smell of mold coming from it. Behind a chipped terracotta vase, a black mass bubbled in a bucket.

A thin tendril crept up towards the border of the bucket. Where it touched the walls of its prison the color seemed to drain from the wood.

There were voices coming from outside. Starting with a murmur, they became rapidly louder. "…and I think it likes me. You will love it, Lulu."

"Tia, you still didn't tell me what you found."

"You'll see. It's pretty special, I have never seen something like it before." There was a sound of wood chafing on wood, and the door of the shed creaked open.

The tendril fell back in the churning mass. A yellow eye floated to its surface, soon followed by a green and a red one. Teeth came up, then sunk back.

Celestia, wearing a jute satchel around her neck, pushed a dark blue earth-pony filly into the shed. She threw a look over her shoulder before closing the door with a kick, then whispered, "Remember, you promised to keep it a secret."

The dark blue filly frowned. "Only if it isn't dangerous. I still remember the bite of the manticore." She turned and waved her flank in Celestia's face, pointing with her hoof to a couple of decolored spots. "It was a moon ago and you can still see it. Do you see it? It's still there."

"He was perfectly fine when I found him. I still don't know what went wrong. And it was an itsy-bitsy little nip." Celestia's smile grew. "But this time it's different. It can't even bite you if you don't put your hoof in the bucket. And I can carry it around with a stick, Lulu. It can't be dangerous if you can carry it with a stick."

Luna looked into the shadows of the shed. She bit her lip. "I don't know. You can carry around a scorpion with a stick." She squinted and swiveled her ears. "It isn't a scorpion, right? Or a fireslug? Or a snake?"

Her pink mane flew around as Celestia shook her head with worrying emphasis. "No, it's not. I swear it isn't any dangerous kind of animal you can think of. Come, I'll show you." She trotted in the back of the shed and grabbed the bucket with her magic. She returned and put it down in front of Luna.

Luna stared at the thing. Three mismatched eyes stared back.

Celestia grinned.

A shudder ran down Luna's back and she took a deep breath. She regretted it immediately, as a smell she could only describe as profoundly wrong wafted through her nostrils. She stumbled back and spluttered, "What in the name of the Stars is that thing?"

Celestia hopped in place, her smile stretching to the natural limits of her muzzle. "I have no idea, isn't that grand? I never heard of something like that, and now it's my pet."

One of the eyes dived below the surface, a fang-filled maw opening in its place.

"I think it is hungry." A golden aura alighted around the little unicorn's horn and the jute satchel opened. "Don't worry, mommy brought you a little treat."

"That thing has fangs. Fangs are dangerous." Luna took a careful step forward. "You can't keep that… Tia, why are you weird?"

"Oh, hush. Fidelis has fangs too and he still works on the farm and he is a big softy. And I'm not weird, I am a Queen, so I have vision. And a Queen needs a monster. It's in the rules."

Luna stomped and huffed. "It's not in the rules, you are not a queen, and you are weird." Then she looked a the pastry floating out of the satchel. "That's honey bread. Did you steal it from the kitchen?"

"No, it's my treat from lunch. I hid it." Celestia glanced up from the bucket. "And I'm not weird."

Luna gasped. "You didn't eat it?"

The aura flickered and the bread fell in the bucket. The mass in it shivered.

"Come on, it's good. Very yummy, I promise it. Give it just a nibble, at least." Celestia smiled at the thing.

For an instant the black goo seemed to shimmer, then it bulged and the bun rolled to its maw. The fangs moved like feelers, grabbed it and dug deep into the dough.

There was an instant of silence.

Then the thing moved. Fangs almost vibrated, a buzzing sound echoed through the shed and the bun was shredded in the blink of an eye, crumbs shooting ceiling high, the mass bulging and boiling.

Three heartbeats later it calmed down.

Luna stared at the bucket, her mouth agape. A wet crumb of honey bread fell from the ceiling with a plop.

Celestia grinned and tapped her forehooves together.

The thing hissed, the maw disappeared and to purple eyes surfaced.

"She liked it! I knew it, we are gonna be best friends and she's gonna be my monster and we are going to play in the forest and it will be amazing." The golden glow reappeared around the satchel and a small flask floated out. With a twist, the cork was removed and Celestia poured some milk into the bucket.

Luna blinked, then shook her head. "Her? How do you know it's a filly?"

"It's obvious, look at the eyes."

Four mismatched approximation of eyes glared out from a thin layer of rapidly disappearing milk.

The issue required serious consideration, and Luna thought about it for a whole ten heartbeats. Then she said, "I don't see it."

"She can't be a stupid colt. They are icky, but in a completely different and not fantastic way."

An O of comprehension formed on Luna's muzzle. "Yeah, that makes sense." She considered the matter for another while, then said, "But I think she's dangerous. What if she bites you? What if she bites me?! I think we should tell Donna Copper Horn."

Celestia hugged the bucket and shook her head. "No, you can't tell, you promised! I like her, I want to keep her, and she likes me. She likes honey bread. You can't be bad if you like honey bread."

Luna threw her hooves in the air. "But what if she's… I don't know, what if she's poisonous? Then she bites you and you bloat and then you become all gross and slimy and then you die!"

"I won't, I promise you. And if get all bloated and gross and then if I die you can have all my roasted almonds forever." Celestia hugged the bucket tighter, then glanced at Luna, eyes watering, lip trembling. "Please."

"Uhm." Luna looked away and kicked the dirt. "Alright, but you have to be careful. And don't bring her in our room. And if you die I get almonds and all the flat-cake."

For a brief moment, Celestia’s face creased. Then she nodded. "Deal."


"I still have no idea what I should call you. I mean, Blorp sounds kinda right but I don't think it's good for a filly." Celestia skipped over a small stream, little fishes zig-zagging among the smooth stones. The goo was tightly attached at the end of a thick branch she held aloft in her magic. "I'm pretty sure you are smarter than you seem."

The goo moved the red eye towards the filly and glared at her. The other eyes swam around, observing the late-summer forest.

With a hop, Luna landed behind her. "I don't know. It's a puddle. With fangs. And eyes. I'm not sure puddles are very smart." She looked around. "Where are we?"

"I found a little cave down that way." The branch pointed to a rising slope. "I decided it will be my arch-mage cave."

"Arch-mages have towers. Bears have caves." Luna squinted. "And hermits, they have caves too."

With a small jump, Celestia landed on a moss-covered boulder. "Arch-mages can have caves too. They can have whatever they want."

Luna shook her head. "Nu-hu, Master Sottile told me that mages live in castles. And Arch-mages get their own towers, so they can show everypony that they are Arch-mages, and then they can stay out of everyponys mane and the sane ponies can do the jobs that have to be done while the old creeps can sniff quicksilver and rot their brains trying to summon Mares or Stallions of the Night which will do them no good at all anyway because they are old farts who don't even remember how a pony is made because they passed their time looking at dusty old tomes instead of simply going out and talk to others. And that Bog Witches are all proper mares because they dance naked under the moon."

Celestia stopped, blinked, then looked at Luna. "Do arch-mages dance fully clothed and only during the day?"

Luna shrugged. "I don't know. I guess so. I also think they do it with ugly clothes if Master Sottile prefers Bog Witches."


"Uhm, I don't think I'll like to dance with a lot of clothes on. They chafe and get dirty and then Donna Copper Horn gets angry." Celestia floated a stick to scratch herself behind an ear. "A hat I can live with, but a full dress? Seems kinda stupid. Are you sure Master Sottile told you all that stuff?"

"He did." Luna nodded. "He had that aqua-vitae thing he makes out of wine and he told me a lot of stuff." She stopped and bit her lip. "I didn't understand everything, but he said that I would get it when I would be older. Then Donna Copper Horn came into the room, grabbed his ear and pulled him up the stairs and put him to bed, I think." Luna tapped her chin. "There was also some scolding, but I couldn't hear what Donna Copper Horn said because Millet was laughing so hard."

Celestia frowned. "So Arch-mages are all old and stay always in their towers and only dance with clothes on?"

"Master Sottile said so, and he knows everything."

"Yeah, he does." Celestia hopped to a heap of half rotting leaves. "I don't think to be an Arch-mage sounds fun anymore. I have no idea where to get quicksilver." She shifted the stick and put it over a mushroom. The black goo wobbled, then extended thin tendrils downwards. "Being a Bog Witch sounds better. Maybe Donna Copper Horn would let me stay awake all the night if I were one. What do you think, Lulu, could I be a Bog Witch?"

The tendrils enveloped the mushroom and began ripping away little pieces.

"Well, Millet told me some stories about witches." Luna grinned. "He said they were ugly mares with monsters. So, I guess you can be a witch."

Celestia whipped her head around, then grabbed her stick, pointed it at Luna, and said, "Take that back!"

"I won't. You have a monster, and you are ugly." Luna stomped her hoof and blew a raspberry.

"I'm not ugly!"

"Yes, you are."

The terrible war-cry echoed through the forest as Celestia jumped forward, rotating the stick with the goo like a mace. The thing buzzed, glossy threads still attached to the mushroom and the forest floor.

Luna jumped backward and turned tail to gallop away, shrieking with all the power of her small lungs.

Half an hour later two fillies laid on a bed of moss, breathing heavily and giggling all the while. Behind them, a chaotic mess of shining, black threads went from tree to tree, rock, and bush. The goo shuddered from the boulder where it stuck, its eyes focused on the little ponies, the tendrils marking the path of destruction left by the diminutive warrior slowly retreating and rejoining the main mass.

Little fragments of leaves and bark came back too to be promptly absorbed. The lichens on the rock below it wilted away.

It poured down the boulder slowly, like molasses, bleached stone left behind. Teeth surfaced, it expanded, touched down on the moss.

"You are not ugly." Luna rolled onto her back and looked up at the crown of the trees. "I'm not sure you could be a witch."

Celestia giggled. "I got a monster, maybe that's enough." She rolled up beside Luna. "It's gonna be wonderful. We can be both witches and have fun and we are both gonna play with our monster."

"I don't know, Tia. I'm a bit scared of it."

"Don't be." Celestia nuzzled Luna. "She's a sweetie, you'll see."

The thing stopped, it trembled, a shine flew over its surface for an instant.

Celestia rolled onto her stomach and looked up. "Well, we gotta go to the cave now, I don't want to be late for dinner." She turned to the goo resting on the boulder. "Ready to go?"

The goo blurped.

Next Chapter: Chapter 2 Estimated time remaining: 8 Hours, 33 Minutes
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