Small blessings when I woke up included seeing Ty looking at me from across the room and the mattress underneath me. Shitty bits include the fact that we were in a cell, it was a little drafty, and I was pretty sure that Twilight had hit the yandere switch hard, so that was bad too. That’s probably why the first words out of my mouth were, “Holy shit…” followed shortly by, “Aww fuck!”

“I know the feelin'.” Ty scoffed.

“Nigga, why you always gettin’ us in shit!? Why!?” I cried.

“Did you just call me a nigga?” He asked.

“This is some nigga shit, bruh! We don’t even got citizenship and we’re locked the fuck up because you wouldn’t snitch on a bitch you got no loyalty to!”

“Ay, I’ll drop her name and get us out. This ain’t gonna be permanent, James.”

I decided to hold my tongue on that, just in case Ty actually could get himself free. I doubted that I was going to be let go any time soon since I made an attempt on Twilight and she evidently had power, but I couldn’t figure out why the fuck she had so much sway. When I sat up, I felt my knife in my pocket and pulled out a coin I’d found on the road while walking to Twilight’s when I fixed her gutter. I hadn’t given it much thought, but since I didn’t have fuck else to do, I checked it out since foreign currency is usually cool. The face on the first half of the coin was nice. Whoever it was probably had a lot of technologically deprived teenagers beating their meat to her, so I flipped the coin over.

I had a look and tossed it to Ty. “Ay.”

He caught it easily. “What’s this?”

“Dunno, but check out who’s on it.”

He flipped it over a couple of time before it hit him. “... Mac told me that there was royalty in town.”

“Applejack hinted at it, we just didn’t catch on. You snitched yourself out to the toppest dog in the town, Ty.”

“... Shit. Aren’t you dating her now or something?”

“I am, but it’s been less than a day and I’m here with you, so…”

“Why are you here, nigga?”

“... Mighta tried to shoot Twilight.”

“Points for loyalty.” He chuckled.

“Dumbass.” I sighed. “Here’s hoping someone comes by soon.”

It was a baseless hope since Ty and and I ended up just spitting verses back and forth for a full day and going over old stories until one of us passed out with the other following shortly after. We spent three days without seeing anyone, shackled to opposite ends of the room with our food being teleported in through a weird dumbwaiter looking thing. At the very least it was good food, but still. On the fourth day of our jail time, a couple of guards in old fashioned metal armor came in, leading the way for an older woman who was frankly a bit of a milf. Her hair didn’t seem to be prematurely grey, but her generous hips and full bust told me that she was plenty of woman. However, I wasn’t really trying to sleep with the warden before I knew how much longer we were supposed to be staying.

She cleared her throat and some of my assumptions shortly after. “Hello, gentleman. My name is Mary, and I’m the Mayor of Magiville. Now, it would seem that Mr. Tyler has seduced an officer while she was on duty. As such, it has been deemed unwise by a council of nonpartisan officials for Mr. Tyler to stay in Magiville, along with the officer he refused to give up.”

“Ay, you want her name, you got it, ma’am. You say the word and it’s done with here and now, I woulda spilled sooner if someone woulda came by.” Ty spat quickly.

I couldn’t see the look on Mary’s face from where I was, and the guards that were present didn’t look like they were going to let me even think about trying anything, but it didn’t matter anyway. “I’m sorry, Mr. Tyler, but you’re going to be temporarily relocated. I really don’t like doing this, especially since it hasn’t been long since you’ve apparently been in town, but it’s not really up to me alone. If it makes you feel any better, I voted to keep you here and to just let you off with a warning this time.”

“Bruh, you gotta be fuckin’ me right now.” Ty groaned.

“Wait, if you relocate Ty, you gotta take me too!” I said rapidly. “We’re all we got! We don’t have any other family on this planet, and we haven’t been on Arkaid long enough to make many friends!”

Mary pursed her lips. “I’m assuming that you’re Mr. Jay. Again, I’m sorry, but it would seem that your brother needs a male majority town more so than a Femajority at the moment.”

“And that means I can’t go with him?” I gave her a shitty look.

The guard closest to me lowered his weapon and Mary coughed. “W-Well, that would mean taking the women you’ve claimed from their homes, and since you wouldn’t have a means to house them…”

“So you fucked yourself, basically.” Ty said bluntly.

“Basically. Don’t get ass fucked or somethin’, man. I’ll be by to visit as soon as I can.” I replied.

“Bring weed, nigga.”

“Bring deez nuts into your mouth before you go.” I scoffed.

“Shut up before I Donkey Punch your bitch ass.”

Both guards lowered their weapons at Ty and I while Mary asked, “... Do you two do this all the time?”

My brother and I looked at each other. “Pretty much.”

“... And you want to be together because…?” Mary trailed off.

“Ay, you take this one, smartass.” I suggested to Ty.

“No problem, dipshit.” He looked at Mary. “We brothers. We always got each other’s back, so what we say don’t really matter unless it’s comin’ from the heart. Jay an’ I know each other well enough when to take shit seriously, so we don’t sweat the small stuff and let the little shit go.”

I couldn’t see Mary’s face, but I assumed she was giving him a sad smile as she said, “I’m sure Jay will be allowed to visit you shortly enough once the Sheriff and Applejack have a word with him.”

“I can understand the Sheriff, but why Applejack?” I asked.

Mary turned to face me. “Well, she invoked her right as your First to come and visit you, it was just a hassle to get through all the paperwork that it entailed.”

“My first.” I said blankly.

“The first woman in your harem.” Mary explained.

“Ah.” Was my elegant response.

Mary nodded. “If there’s nothing else, then Mr. Tyler is due to be transported in the next hour. I was told to warn you that you would be teleporting abruptly, so don’t try to be apprehensive about it and just say your temporary goodbyes.”

Ty looked at me, but before he could even open his mouth, he was gone and the shackle that was attached to his leg dropped to the ground, glowing luminously. “... Well ain’t that a fuckin’ kick in the teeth.” I grumbled.

“... I am so sorry.” Mary breathed. “I-I didn’t know it would be so soon or I would have come before my coffee break!”

I stared at her for a moment before letting it go since she was just a cog in the clock, not the crown that wound the watch. “It’s cool. It’s not your fault, but I kinda need a hug, so can you get Applejack in here for a bit?” I baited.

Mary gave me a compassionate look. “You’re more likely to get a hug from me than from her at the moment.”

The information was valuable. “I don’t think the guys with the pokey things would let me get away with one.”

Mary glanced at both of the men and they looked at her in turn. “They follow my orders, Jay. I don’t know why you’re here and you don’t seem like a dangerous type to me, so if you need a little comfort, Mary’s here to help.” She gave me a warm smile.

I stood from the hard bed and spread my arms. “If I’m cold, then it’s because it’s chilly in here.”

Mary came over and gave me a hug. “We find that it’s more humane to keep the cells a little chillier than some would like it than to keep it too warm, just in case someone starts sweating and can’t stop.”

“Well, it’s nice to know that I don’t smell.”

“Oh, you do, but it’s a manly kind of musk.” Mary said, her voice carrying a subtle undertone of something intriguing. “You know, it’s rare to find a man who doesn’t douse himself in perfumes to the point where he perpetually smells like them.”

“I like cologne, but-”

Mary let me go. “Oh, so you’re a working man?”

I tilted my head. “... Yes?”

She smiled. “Now, there’s nothing wrong with letting your harem provide for you, but it’s always nice to see a man that likes to pay his own way.”

“I couldn’t live off of someone else without at least doing something for them. It just makes my skin crawl.” I made a face.

Mary beamed some more, which was an attractive look on the older woman. “Mr. Jameson, do us both a favor and stay out of trouble, okay? Don’t let your brother land you in here again.”

“Next time I see you, it’ll be strictly personal, I hope.” I flirted, tossing it out there.

She stopped smiling and gave me a look, crossing her arms. “Are you trying something?”

“Yes.” I nodded to confirm, scuttling the idea. “You’re pretty pleasant, so I’m hoping that we’ll be friends. I like coffee too.”

Mary seemed a little surprised. “Oh. Well, sure, that’s fine. Princess Twilight does encourage making friends more than just about anything else anyway.”

“That doesn’t surprise me. Say, did she have any input on my brother’s sentencing?”

“She did. Instead of banning him from Magiville like the council wanted, Twilight talked them down to a temporary re-education of certain Arcadian ideals. The council is mostly made up of bull daggers,” Mary snorted, “so they fought hard, but Twilight’s original plea to just hold Ty until he gave them the name of the officer and release him once he did was shot down.”

“So this was her compromise.” I said, pinching the bridge of my nose.

“It was the best she could do without invoking her full weight.” Mary said sympathetically.

“Can’t be mad at her then.” I sighed. “Hopefully I’ll get a chance to talk to her and apologize for saying all those harsh words.”

“Ooh, treason.” Mary hissed, sucking air through her teeth. “Good luck with that one, Mr. Jameson.”

I smirked. “If I end up here for good, remember to call me Jay. Otherwise you might as well start calling me Jameson Maxwell.”

“Jameson Maxwell?”

“My first and middle names. My Moms used to call me that when they wanted my full attention.”

“I should have your full attention anyway.” Mary said teasingly.

I pointed at the guards and she nodded for them to leave before saying, “Applejack warned me to be careful around you, but you’re very disarming, Jay. What’s your ploy?”

I looked at her. “Right now, it’s going to go see my brother to get him his gear before coming back and getting things set up for when he comes back. We got a good thing going here so far, and we kinda need to keep the ball rolling. This isn’t all bad, it just looks that way right now.”

Mary smiled. “I’m a politician, Jay, and I know bullshit inside and out. I know you’re full of it. I know it for a fact, but every word out of your mouth is hard, cold truth. How do you do that?”

“I mean what I say.” I said simply, not liking the fact that people were seeing straight through me. “I save the bullshit for when I need it since all it does is cause trouble when you use it carelessly. Keepin’ things kosher while the going isn’t that tough isn’t that tough. It just takes a little extra effort, y’know?”

“I know the feeling well, but I feel like I should be waiting for you to ask something of me.”

“Could I get a cup of tea?”

“Yes, actually.” Mary said.

“Yes.” I moaned. “I can’t drink normal tea around my brother because he won’t shut the fuck up about it bein’ a sissy drink.”

“I like tea.” She said defensively.

“You’re a woman. In his eyes, you’re allowed to. I have the wrong equipment to enjoy something that doesn’t either stain my teeth or wreck my kidneys and/or liver.”

“You really do need to separate yourself from your brother, Jay. It sounds like he’s nothing more than a bad influence.” Mary said softly.

“I’m a worse influence on him in my own ways.” I sighed. “We balance each other out, he just gets me into trouble on occasion. Next time, I’ll tell him to avoid sleeping with someone who enforces the law instead of making it.”

“... That was a joke, right? Your sense of humor is really odd.” Mary chuckled nervously.

I chuckled with her. “It is, even by Earth standards. Don't let me keep you here all day though, Mary.”

“You could bear to call me Miss Mayor, you know.” She chided lightly.

“Do I need to?” I asked, gently smiling at her.

Mary’s own lips curved into a smile of her own. “Only when you see people wearing fancy clothes around.”

“Alright then, Mary. It’s been a pleasure meeting you.” I extended a hand.

She shook it firmly. “It’s been a pleasure, Jay, and I hope that this is the last I hear of you causing trouble in my town.”

“I didn’t do all that much!”

“You swore at the Princess of the area.” Mary said flatly. “You’ve done plenty.”

I put on a fake pout. “She took my brother from me before I even got to play with him! Adults are unfair!”

“... How old are you?” Mary asked.

“It was a joke.”

“Oh. Your sense of humor really is odd.”

“You’re odd!”

“How would you know?” Mary challenged playfully.

“Well, for one, you’re standing around talking to a treasonous guy about random things when you could be drinking more coffee or getting a sip from a flask that you keep in your desk.”

Mary scoffed. “I do have to go, but I’ll have you now that I keep a fifth of gin. No flask required unless I’m doing field work.”

“I’d offer to drink with you sometime, but I’m more of a smoker.”

“Ah, what herb do you like to smoke? I might have some in my stock if you have a hard time finding it around town.”

“Apparently marijuana grows dank and wild around here, so I’ll have to bring some over for you to try.”

Mary gave me a look. “You can’t smoke marijuana, Jay. No one knows for sure, but it’s pretty obviously not meant to be smoked.”

“I smoke it regularly and I don’t have any problems. If you’re talking about how much it hurts to inhale, then you’re sucking too hard.”

“If you say so.” She said. “I do have to go, however, so please try not to… Well, there isn’t much trouble you can get up to in here.”

“If I get caught doing something that everyone does when they finally get some alone time, I’ll just say that you told me to do it to relieve stress.”

Mary took a second to catch my drift, but when she did, her cheeks pinked and she cleared her throat. “Please keep my name out of the matter if you feel the need to do… That.”

“Can I think about you when I do it?” I teased.

Mary turned into a cherry in terms of coloration rather than fruitification. “J-Jameson!”

I cracked up. “I’m kidding, Mary. Mostly.”

She gave me a stern look that I couldn’t really take seriously. “Sorting through your words and reading into what you actually mean is like trying to understand Starswirl’s theory on Quantum Magicka-Mechanica Stargates.”

I blinked. “Would ya look at that. Sounds like a mystery I need to solve.”

“Good luck. Gated Teleportation has been disproven thousands of times over, Jay. A lot of people have lost their lives to pass through a teleportation gate only to come out of the other side in the same room, just missing… Things. No one ever says much more than ‘things’.”

“Gross.” I said. “Still, I’ll throw gerbils or something at one until I can get it to stop killing stuff, then I’ll throw you through and drag you back to see if I send you to the right place.”

Mary gave me a cross look. “That better have been a joke.”

“Of course it was! I’d never throw an innocent animal into a wall of death!” I objected.

She tapped her foot. “I meant the part about me.”

“Oh. You don’t wanna be the first person to travel through the space-time continuum?”

“This is your last chance to scuttle the ship, Jay.”

I gave her a look. “Mary, why would I risk killing you?”

She breathed a sigh of relief. “Jay, you can’t joke about killing people. If someone thinks your serious, you’re going to get arrested.”

“So it’s better to just k-” I stopped myself. “Nope, that probably wouldn’t be taken as a joke. Damn, I’m gonna have to be a little more careful.”

“It’s for the best honestly. If your sense of humor allows you to poke fun at death, then it’s a change for the better.”

I scoffed hard. “Woman, what do you think humor is for? It’s to make life seem a little less scary, to put a smile on your face. When you look at my people, Terrans, or rather, the people of Earth, every culture on our planet has some personification of death whether it be man or beast, and people make fun of it to feel better about the inevitable. I joke about death and murder because both happen on a daily basis, and that’s really scary, Mary, so I laugh at it to make it seem less scary.”

Mary tilted her head at me and gave me a gentle smile. “I think you’d like Pinkie Pie. She has the same idea, just a different practice.”

I hummed. “Is she crazy?”

“How’d you know?”

“If you’re considered normal in Magiville, then my sense of humor and the reasoning behind it would probably seem crazy. If Pinkie is like me, then she would be at least a little weird.”

“... You’re a very intuitive fellow, you know that? Say, where do you work at the moment?”

“Well, Applejack has me doing handyman type stuff and Twilight might hire me for something or other that I don’t really remember at the moment, so nothing steady.”

“Come work for me.” Mary requested softly.

“Doing what?” I asked conversationally.

“Helping me weed out the snakes that come through the doors in my own personal castle, Town Hall. Someone with your deductive ability could be very useful, and I would make it very worth your while.” Mary smiled at me.

I returned it with a dopey one of my own. “I’ll think about it. Politics make me feel dirty, but I can see myself lending a hand when needed.”

“Just give it some time and get back with me. If you miss me at Town Hall, then just leave your contact information with my secretary, Mr. Fruit Loop, and I’ll be in touch as soon as possible.”

“Thanks, Mary.” I put my hands on her shoulders and shook her once. “If I’m not interested, then I’ll still come by and tell you.”

She blinked at me as I took my hands off of her. “Why did you shake me.”

“To form the deal. It’s an old tradition where I come from.” I said, full of bullshit.

“You’re full of bullshit.” Mary said drily. “You know good and well that it’s a handshake to seal a deal.”

“Well, you’ve already been shaken over it, so do we need to shake hands?”

She gave me a look that was ruined by her little smile. “I’m leaving, but I won’t forget your tea.”

“Thanks again. If I somehow find a pickle, don’t be surprised.”

“I’m not even going to ask because you’re just going to say something silly.” Mary said flatly. “You may have noticed, but I’m a little older than you, Jay. Silliness isn’t exactly my cup of tea.”

“Well, silliness is my specialtea.” I punned.

Mary covered her mouth to stifle her giggles and I was disgusted by the pun I’d used, but it had gotten her to laugh. “Okay, puns are acceptable.”

“I have to punish myself to make you laugh?” I said since Mary hadn’t heard that one from me yet.

She giggled some more. “Seriously this time! I’m leaving, Jay. Do take care.”

“Think of me as you do the tea.” I requested.

“I’ll be sure to gag appropriately.” Mary teased.

“I hope your dildo smells funny the next time you go to use it.”

Mary blushed and went to respond to that before she closed her mouth and left with me chuckling in her wake. She herself didn’t come back with my tea, but it did come in a thermos-type thing that kept it warm for hours on end. It was also nice to be able to take a shit without Ty in the room, and whipping the wiener out just to do the helicopter was equally nice. I burned a lot of time just sipping decent tea and dozing off and on until I heard the cell door get unlocked again a few hours after Mary left. I sat up on the shitty wall-bed and looked at an older woman who seemed to be in her late fifties or early sixties. Her hair had more silver and white than green and yellow at this point in her life, but it was obvious from her features that she used to be quite the looker, even if she did have an RBF (Resting Bitch Face).

“You’re Jameson, right?” She asked, her voice unsurprisingly deep, given how fucking bulky she was. The Sheriff (I presumed) wasn’t fat or anything, but she looked like she could break your tailbone by hitting the top of your head, which doesn’t make sense until you realize that she’s beating your spine out of your ass so hard it shatters on the ground.

I was understandably a little intimidated. “I am. You must be the Sheriff. Wish we were meeting under better circumstances.”

“So do I, young man.” The Sheriff growled. “Princess Twilight said that you caused some property damage when she arrested your brother. You’re lucky that she’s not pressing charges.”

I scratched my face. “Yeah, I need to apologize for that.”

“You should.” She barked irritably.

“Right. So is there another reason why you’re here?”

“I’m lookin’ at ya. I don’t need another reason to be here.”

I looked right back at her, making sure that she knew that I was staring at her chest. “Tell me, do your tits squirt milk or malt whiskey?”

“Liquor.” She growled.

“Damn, that’s sexy.” I said huskily. “Don’t rape me, okay?”

The Sheriff came over and jammed a finger in my face. “You think I’d fuckin’ do somethin’ like that, being the Sheriff of the damn town?”

“It means you’d be more likely to get away with it, so please don’t. My butt can’t take more than the activity it already handles. It’s very lazy.”

“Are you makin’ a fuckin’ joke about rape?” She asked, her tone lethal.

“No, I’m requesting that you don’t perform that heinous action on me because I’m pretty sure that there’s nothing I could do about it if you felt the desire. I don’t know you. I don’t know your morals. You could be extremely horny, and you already seem pretty angry. I don’t find that the combination works too well too often.”

The Sheriff stared at me. “What kinda fucked up place did you used to live?”

“America, also known as White ‘Murica, fuck yeah! You have to say ‘fuck yeah’ after saying ‘Murica, fuck yeah, because it’s tradition.”

“America sounds like a fucked up little town.” She spat.

“It’s a country, not a town. Three hundred twenty million souls and counting.” I smirked.

“You’re full o’ shit.”

“I’m from a different planet.” I looked her in her eyes and dared her to disagree.

The Sheriff didn’t blink. “... You’re either batshit crazy or you’re telling the truth. Let me tell ya right now that fuckin’ with Twilight, no matter your mental situation, is a fast track to getting fuckin’ locked up for life, so don’t do that. When Applejack comes in to talk to ya, give her a listen and come by the Cop Shop to talk to me after. “

“Gotcha. So… If Applejack kicks my ass-”

“She ain’t gonna lay a hand on you.” The Sheriff growled. “That woman knows the law every bit as well as I do and she’s every bit as serious about upholdin’ it.”

“Cool, so I just have to worry about the hardcore earful I’m about to catch.”

She actually smirked at me. “Don’t envy ya, that’s for sure. I remember the last time I made a bad call when Applejack told me to make a good one. That little spitfire is the only person who’s given me shit since I took up the badge.”

I groaned. “I just had to take the magically strongest and the morally strongest women, didn’t I?”

“Suffer in pleasure, kid. You could do a lot worse than the most successful woman and one of the most respected people in town.”

I scratched my head. “I just dunno. I like Applejack, so that’s cool, and I like Twilight, but the Princess thing is throwing me through a loop.” I couldn’t say anything about her sentencing Ty to something unfair since she’d had to play her hand within her realm of operation, so I just stuck with the main concern.

“I wouldn’t worry about it until Twilight makes ya. She won’t.”

“Thanks, Sheriff Grumpy.”

She curled her lip at me. “Fuck off you little cow pie.”

“See? Sheriff Grumpy was an accurate description.”

“Remember when you were mentionin’ how I could do what I wanted with ya?” She growled.

“Remember how offended you were when I even suggested that you might try somethin’? You’re a good sort, Chief. Might not be used to working on your side of things, but I won’t give you any legal trouble if I can help it. Personal trouble, however, was guaranteed when you came in here all hostile.”

The Sheriff leveled a dick-shriveling glare at me. “Fuckin’ try me.”

A death lollipop was staring me in the face, so I licked it. “Tastes salty.”

The Sheriff’s glare turned into a blank look as she wiped my spit off of her face. “... You’re just gonna be a fuckin’ nuisance, arentcha?”

“I’m not gonna hurt you, but I’m gonna fuck with ya.” I smiled.

“No one fucks with me.” She frowned. “Even Applejack isn’t brave enough for that shit.”

I smirked at her. “What are you going to do when I put a whoopie cushion in your chair and have every cop in the shop staring at you?”

“Hunt you down and pump your ass full of air.” She threatened.

“It’s called a blowjob for a reason.” I winked.

“I can make ya stay here for a month.” She said, her voice low and lethal.

I shrugged. “I don’t think your conscience would let you do that. Besides, your eye twitches when you’re actually pissed off. You’ve been relatively calm since I started fucking with you.”

The Sheriff narrowed her eyes at me. “... Listen to Applejack.”

“Will do.” I replied.

She left after nodding one more time, but before I could lay back down, she came in with a thing, or rather for the sake of not being lazy, she came in with a an odd puzzle cube that was made up of welded bars and two rings in the center. I could tell just from having it in my hands that it was an impossible puzzle, but the Sheriff told me to work on it until Applejack came by, so I gave it a go since I and nothing else to do. I liked the little thing well enough as I tried sliding the rings around on the bars, but there was no way to free the rings or to get them to different parts of the cube. Still, it kept my hands busy until Applejack came in about an hour after Sheriff Grumpy left, so that was nice.

I was still playing with the thing when Applejack came in. I didn’t put it down, but I did give her my attention. “Hi th-”

“Next time you try shit like that, you’re dead.” Applejack promised.

I raised my chin at her. “You’d have done the same for Mac or Apple Bloom.”

“I woulda. That’s why I’m not beatin’ you or kickin’ you and your brother’s asses to the curb.”

“To quote TB; rad.”

“TB?”

“The Torch Bearer. God Two.” I explained.

“What?” Applejack asked.

“Maximus.” I clarified.

“Now you’re just makin’ up words.” Applejack scoffed.

I tilted my head at her. “Applejack, how do you not know that guy’s name? I mean, he’s not the Creator, but he’s the guy who took over for him.”

She scoffed again. “Jay, the Creator’s eternal. They don’t need no one to take over for ‘em.”

“Well, if this is a different universe instead of being a parallel universe, then it makes sense that you wouldn’t know that there’s more than one creator.” I rubbed my face.

Applejack glared at me. “I’m still mad at you, so don’t try and distract me with nonsense.”

I looked at her like she was retarded. “Uh, Applejack? Just because it doesn’t make sense to you doesn’t mean it’s not true. I don’t get magic like, at all, but it’s a fact of life here on Arkaid, just like there being over six hundred different Creators is a fact on Earth. Hell, I’ve talked to Maximus, and I dunno if it’ll work here, but all we need to do to contact him is to burn a shot of bourbon and pray for a quick word. Dude’s supposed to be really reasonable when it comes to proving that he is who he is.”

She folded her arms, her breathing a little shaky. “So there’s more than just Arkaid out there?”

I nodded. “Obviously, since I exist on this planet, but you probably won’t meet any aliens. TB likes to keep his planets separate until they wisen up and get really technologically advanced.”

“Right. You ever meet an alien?”

“Yes, actually. It was one of the lowercase ‘G’s.” I said proudly.

“A what now?”

“A lesser form of an Almighty like Maximus. Lowercase ‘G’s still have immense power, like, reality warping type stuff, but they don’t answer as many prayers as he does.”

“Wait, so, like, did one o’ those lowercase ‘G’s come and see you in person or something?”

“Yeah. No one knows her real name so I had to pray to her as ‘Cherry’, but she came and gave me some dope advice to help me pass some exams.”

“Cherry? You met an alien named Cherry?” Applejack asked incredulously.

I shrugged. “She’s TB’s wife, so it’s probably his nickname for her. It’s been confirmed that a lot of the lowercase ‘G’s go by the nicknames he gave them back when he was still mortal.”

“Wait, so you’re sayin’ that an alien-”

“Nah, you’re already wrong. Maximus was born a Human on Earth, but the previous Creator was on some bullshit and shipped him off to another planet full of these weird-but-cute creatures called ‘Ponies’, kinda like the four legged ones, but they walk on two hooves instead of four. I mean, if they didn’t have hooves for feet, naturally colorful fur, the occasional set of horns or wings, and horse ears, then they could easily pass for human.”

“... I’m so lost right now.” Applejack sighed.

“I keep a copy of the Maxronomicon in my bookbag. We’ll go over it sometime and I’ll show you the main religion of my world.” I chuckled.

She shuddered and seemed to grab something directly from the middle of her chest and pushed the invisible thing towards me. Nothing happened. “Ain’t no religion worth followin’, Jay. One of the biggest no-no’s in Arcadian Law is no cults.”

I snorted. “It’s not a cult if you know the guy you’re following. Like I said, I’ve talked to the Torch Bearer. Dude’s an alright guy, though his voice is weird, and it's not the accent."

“I don’t care if ya’ve met him, I ain’t followin’ no one other than the Princesses.” Applejack said firmly.

“When did I ask you to? If TB didn’t ask you personally to live by the Edict, then you’re either already doing it or he’s not your God. It’s not your problem. I just wanted to show you the thing I try to live by.”

“Oh… Sorry.”

I smirked inwardly because I’d defused the fuck out of her anger without getting bitched at too badly. “It’s water under the bridge. The Sheriff said you were going to talk to me about something, though.”

Applejack nodded. “Right.” Applejack took off the Stetson I’d yet to see her without barring that one time in the showers and reached inside, pulling out a silver star. “Smart guy like you probably guessed after the Sheriff came in, but I’m one of Tough Cookie’s Deputies-”

“Wait, is her name seriously ‘Tough Cookie’?” I asked.

“Eeyup.”

“Fake and gay. Carry on.”

“... Cookie’s one of the most honest, straightest, women around.”

“S’not what I meant, Akane-”

“What in tarnation? What- How- Why are ya callin’ me by my cousin’s name?”

I stared at her. “I swear to TB, if you tell me that you have a family member named Golden Delicious or Granny Smith, I’m flipping my shit.”

“First cousin and that’s Granny’s name. Gran Smith.”

“Do you know where my gun is at? I need to make use of my ten millimeter Q-tip.” I groaned.

“Uh, ya mean the thing ya blew a fuckin’ hole in Twilight’s floor with? ‘Cause that’s mine now, and ya aint’ gettin’ it back.”

“You bitch.” I said plainly.

“What’d you just call me?” Applejack asked.

“A bitch.” I replied.

“Imma give ya-”

“Shut up, bitch.”

She walked up to me, so I stood. Our noses touched and her breasts rested against my chest. “I don’t like that, Jay. I really don’t.”

“Don’t act like one, won’t call ya one.”

“I ain’t actin’ like a bitch.” She seethed. “I’m tryin’ ta keep ya from fuckin’ everythin’ you’re workin’ towards up.”

I looked her in the eyes and placed my hands on her hips. “You’re not a bitch, but I would like my property back. I find it very frustrating when people take things from me.”

“You’re not gettin’ it back, bub. Get used to it.” She snapped.

I pressed my forehead against hers and closed my eyes, not saying anything for a moment before I hugged her. Applejack removed my arms with a firm grip and said, “What are ya tryin’ ta pull, Jay?”

“I’m sad. My brother is gone, my gun is gone, my life is probably in danger, and I’m still on an alien planet. Right now there isn’t a lot to be happy about.” I said morosely.

Applejack gave me a weird look. “... Is that seriously how ya look when you’re sad? Your face didn’t change at all.”

“I also don’t cry from sadness. I’m weird, I know, but I still feel alone.” I said softly.

She stepped away from me and crossed her arms. “Ya deserve it. You’re free tomorrow, but Twilight pulled rank on me and is takin’ custody of ya.”

“Alright.” I said.

There was a little bit of guilt on Applejack’s face when she got back to brass tacks. “Like I was sayin’ before ya got me all distracted with names and bein’ sad, I’m Tough Cookie’s second in command. Right now, the old bat’s lookin’ to retire and I’m in line to take the throne, but I need a partner that can do what you ain’t afraid to do. Most of my gals ain’t never been in a real scrap other than a bar brawl, but I gotta ask ya if ya’ve ever killed someone with your hands.”

“I plead the Fifth.”

“What’s that mean?”

“I’m not snitching on myself.” I said.

“Do I really need ta use magic to make ya tell me? It’ll stay between us, Jay I promise. I already know you’re a killer, so it’s really just fillin’ in blanks at this point.”

I glared at her. “I literally just told you that I wasn’t going to tell on myself. Applejack, take it as a yes.”

She colored. “Don’t you talk to me like I’m dumb, Jay.”

I rubbed my face for a moment as I collected my words. “I thought you’d pick up on it, I honestly did. I knew you wouldn’t know what the Fifth Amendment was, but I thought you would understand that me telling you that I wasn’t going to explicitly confess was a confirmation. I thought it was a sufficient response, I apologize for missing the mark.” I meant that I was sorry she was dumb, but that would have been mean to say outright.

Applejack seemed a little more pissed. “I knew what every word meant, Jameson.”

I removed my glasses and rubbed my eyes. “Applejack, I ain’t even tryna talk over ya head. If I gotta talk like this for ya to get that I ain’t tryna piss you off, then aight. Cool. I ain’t about to repeat myself, but what I said, I meant.”

“Every time you open your mouth, I get a little closer to bein’ in the cell next to ya.” Applejack said menacingly.

I folded my glasses and laid down on the bed provided since I just wanted to go to sleep, but Applejack came to stand over me. “I ain’t gonna dump you over this since hot heads don’t solve nothin’, but we’re gonna have to talk about it, Jay.”

“I’ve killed sixteen people over the course of eight years. I’ve caused thirty eight people to die in total.” I said, closing my eyes.

“... You know you’re a serial killer, right?” Applejack asked.

“More like a vigilante. I follow my own sense of justice.” I muttered.

“... How much faith do ya have in me right now, Jay.”

“I trust you with my life. My deductions have yet to let me down, and they’ve told me that you won’t lead me wrong. Like I told Sheriff Grumpy; I nabbed the magically strongest and morally strongest women respectively in Magiville, probably in the surrounding area.”

Applejack’s voice was closer to my level when she said, “I put down the worst of the worst. Even as peaceful as Arcadia is, the bad guys still come around, sometimes fallin’ from our own trees. I want you to help me bury those bad apples so far down into the ground that they don’t have a hope of growin’ back.”

“Acid. Works better, less effort.”

“We don’t torture people.” She said, her voice steely.

“No, you just mind rape them.”

“... Sugar, if you’re comparin’ a truth spell to mind rape, ya might wanna keep that to yourself. You’re gonna get hurt sayin’ stuff like that.”

“Forcing someone to spill their secrets versus digging for them? It’s different in action, not in spirit. If you only take half the thorns off a rose, it can still stab you.” I scoffed.

“So how else do ya get someone to confess to a crime? Diggin’ for evidence can take months, which by the way can mean that dozens more people are gettin’ hurt, and that’s not even considerin’ the extra resources that it takes to do stuff the old-fashioned Icarian/Mundusian way. What you’re sayin’ is that criminals deserve a chance to get away with it, and…” Applejack trailed off, so I opened my eyes and looked at her to see that she was about to press her badge against my forehead. When my head and the metal made contact, I froze and Applejack asked, “What were you and Ty doin’ that lead you into Twilight’s closet?”

I grit my teeth but the words still came out once the magic from the badge freed control of my muscles from me. “We hit a lick on a doughboy slinger named Mac ‘cause he bodied one of Ty’s little homies on GP to make a point. We got set up and Five-O was on us, so we was duckin’ and ran up on a door in an alley to hide. Next thing we know, we got three bad bitches lookin’ at us like we stole somethin’.”

“... What?”

Torch Bearer bless slang and ebonics.

“That’s what we were doing. Can you let me go now?”

“Explain what that meant. In terms normal Arcadians understand.” Applejack ordered stubbornly.

Maxdamn curious types.

“There was a drug dealer that killed one of Ty’s young friends to make an example, so we got him back, but it was a set up.” I said bitterly.

“Right. So what did ya do to ‘Mac’?”

“I killed him for killing a kid.” I answered.

“Ah. I see why you were so hesitant to explain how ya got here.” Applejack said drily. “Got a few more questions for ya iffin’ ya don’t mind.”

“I just told you that I thought using magic to force someone to spill their secrets was tantamount to mind rape and you think it’s okay to just keep mind raping me?”

She paled considerably and took the star away from my head, but I still couldn’t move. “... Right.”

“Please leave.”

“I need an answer.”

“Consider suicide as your next course of action. Don’t do it, just consider it.”

“... That really hurt, Jay.” She said shakily after a moment.

“At least you can cry about it. At least you can go to your family and find comfort. Please leave me alone.”

“... It’s real hard to tell that you’re hurtin’ from just lookin’ at ya. Your face don’t move, ya sound alright, but ya just say the worst things.”

“The longer you stay, the closer we get to be through all together.” I warned.

“If you’re willin’ to tell me to consider hurtin’ myself, why would I wanna be with ya?” She asked in disbelief.

“If you’re willing to let me sit and suffer; no, if you’re willing to add to the suffering, then why wouldn’t I hurt you? I’m grateful for everything you’ve done for me, but you just stabbed me in the back.”

I was still frozen in place, so I saw Applejack try to keep her composure. “Two wrongs don’t make a right.”

“Then let’s end the wrongs here and make the right choice and agree to not do that again. I won’t tell you to so much as think about hurting yourself, and you don’t invade my mind anymore.”

She glared at me with unshed tears in her eyes. “So what? You can just do it to me whenever ya want?”

“I think it’s wrong, Applejack.Not conditionally wrong, it’s morally depraved.”

“... You kill people.”

“Vigilante.”

“You’d rather kill someone than arrest ‘em?”

“Depends on what they did. Rape and murder earn death. Molestation and domestic abuse earn a beating.”

“... Should I be askin’ ya to be my deputy?”

“You should be leaving.” I finally got control back of my body and rolled so that I was facing away from her.

“... I’m sorry I pushed you away when you needed me, Jameson.” Applejack said softly.

“I apologize for insulting you.” I replied.

“... Do you still want me to leave?”

“I didn’t want you to leave in the first place. I just think you should before I make you any unhappier.”

“C’mere then. It ain’t gonna do neither of us no good to stay mad.” She sighed.

I rolled over and sat next to her on the floor, my left side touching her right. “I’m not mad, Applejack. I only get notably mad when someone breaks my things or hurts Ty. I’m just sad.”

She reached for my hand and I let her have it, being receptive to the olive branch. “Are ya sad enough to consider hurtin’ someone?”

“I don’t want to spread the sadness, I just want it to go away.”

“What’ll make it go away, Sugar?”

“Being back at home in Chatt, trying to fund my life through honest and dishonest means so I can do something with my life instead of slingin’ dope or joinin’ up with people who kill for a living.” Whether you look at the gangs or the Army, the only way you were getting out of Alton Park is if you had some kinda connection.

“... Huh. So there’s… Not much room for me in your plan after all.”

“I’m here for life, Applejack. TB told me that I needed to get used to Arcadian laws, and if he’s as into foreshadowing as people say, then there’s no hope of me seeing my home again. Even if I did, if TB wanted to be a dick about it, he could put me right back where Ty and I were and we could get arrested; locked up for the rest of our days.”

“... I don’t know what you’re tryin’ ta say here, Jay. I really don’t.”

“It’s unfair, but I’m leaning on you right now, Applejack. Without Ty, I feel like half of me is gone, but when… Well… This right here makes me feel better. It makes me feel less alone.”

“Is bein’ lonely really that bad? I mean, isn’t it nice to be alone sometimes?”

“... It’s different with me and Ty. It just is. I let him give away my virginity and I made him take his first kill. I’ve set people up for fucking with him, cost them entire years of their lives or their lives themselves. He’s fought more fights on my behalf than I can count. We… You don’t break a bond like the one I got with my brother.” I replied quietly.

“Ya spend time away from him constantly, Jay. It’s not like y’all even spend that much time together.” Applejack tried.

I looked at her. “You’re telling me that you wouldn’t help Mac clean up whatever mess he got himself in if he asked?”

“Not if it was about to get me arrested.” Applejack said firmly.

“You’re a terrible liar.” I rolled my eyes.

“Okay, so I’d do anything for my family too, but they’re not like Ty is, Jay! He’s gonna get you locked up or worse before your time. You might be the dangerous one, but that’s because your brother is your soft spot, and he’s, and I’m sorry for sayin’ this, but a complete jackass.”

“Not this time. He was going to try her anyway, but Ty got my approval when he slept with that cop.”

“You didn’t make him do anything, but your loyalty to him made you threaten a fuckin’ Princess, Jay. Where does this end? When do you make him fall in line or just cut him loose?”

“If he breaks the rules, I’ll put him in check. Until then, he’s a free man just like anyone else.”

Applejack groaned softly. “You’re gonna be the death of me if we work out. Ya really are.”

“My dick is eight inches long.” I said casually.

She had been looking straight ahead and turned to me, her cheeks red and confusion on her face. “I beg pardon?”

“Eight inches.” I repeated.

“... Okay, but what does that have to do with anything?”

“Every inch is another reason you should keep me around.”

“So I got four more reasons to keep you than any other Arcadian male?” Applejack scoffed. “I mighta felt it, but I didn’t exactly see eight inches.”

“I wasn’t even hard.” I scoffed in turn. “Trust me, I was blessed during puberty.”

“If we hadn’t just got done arguin’ and makin’ up, I’d tell ya ta show me, but I’m also on duty.”

“What, you can’t perform a strip-search?” I teased.

“... I mean, do ya have a weapon on ya?” Applejack asked slowly.

I whipped out my Flitch and pressed the lever on it to open the knife before handing it to her. “It’s one of my favourite pieces.”

She stared at it. “... You ain’t nowhere near as dangerous as I thought you were.” She murmured. “You coulda had the Sheriff when her back was turned. Mary coulda been gone. You coulda got me before you sat next to me.”

“Like I said, I’m only dangerous under certain circumstances.”

“I see. How do I make this so it ain’t pointy?”

I had her pass me the knife and closed it with the liner-lock. “It’s a good knife, too. Hardy steel.” I went to put it back in my pocket.

Applejack had other ideas. “Why don’t you give that over to me, Sugar?”

I stared at her. “... You want me to give you the knife I’ve had for five years?”

“Yep.” She gave me a tight smile.

“... What happens if I say no?”

“I have to take it from ya.” Applejack said, not sounding like she liked where the conversation was going.

“... Will I get it back?”

“Not while you’re livin’ with Twilight, no.”

I didn’t like that. I didn’t like it at all. “Applejack, I’ve carried this knife with me everywhere, everyday, for five. Whole. Years.”

“Ya ain’t gonna be with Twilight permanently, Sugar, and it’s not like I’m gonna let anyone use it while it’s outta your hands.” Applejack soothed.

I shook gently. “No.”

“Jay, I can’t let you keep it.”

“No. No. No. No.” I said, my voice rising in volume as I went along, curling up against my will. The panic attack was building.

“Come on, Sugar. It ain’t-”

“Thecurseisminethecurseisminethecurseismine!” I shouted.

To explain to those who don’t understand, blades get haunted. Guns don’t get haunted, but blades do, and I don’t give a fuck whether it’s someone on Earth telling me that ghosts aren’t real, or if it’s someone from Arkaid; I’ve had my little Flitch ever since Ty bought it for me back when he finally turned sixteen, and it’s been present for twelve deaths, though it was the cause of eight of them. I’ve heard six different voices when I leave home without my knife, so I was understandably concerned with the level of fucking haunted that the knife was.

Applejack eventually wrested the knife away from me while I was too far gone to fight back, though I didn’t learn that until I calmed down when Twilight came by to pick me up early. I came back to reality when Twilight gently shook me. “Jay? Sweetie? Are you there?”

“Flitch.” I muttered.

“Your knife?” Twilight asked.

“It’s haunted!” I bolted upright and Twilight stumbled away. “Applejack’s-”

“She’s perfectly fine, Jay. Applejack’s house is well warded against malevolent spirits and things like that.” She assured me.

“... Right. Right. Holy shit, my life fuckin’ sucks right now.” I said blankly.

Twilight knelt and gave me a kiss that I was conflicted about. On one hand, all of this was her fault, but on the other, she was just being a good Princess, and I couldn’t blame her on that one. “I know it seems pretty bad right now, but you have me to lean on now, Jay. You don’t have to face anything alone.”

I put a hand on her arm and sighed. “I apologize for my actions, Twilight. I-”

“Sweetie, it’s all in the past.” Twilight crooned, a certain gleam in her eye that made me very uncomfortable. “You’re already forgiven, but if you want to show me how sorry you are, I can find ways for you to apologize. I’m sure we’ll both like them.”

The look on her face was innocent, and her voice gave no hint of what she actually wanted from me, so I had to play it subtle. “I wouldn’t mind doing more to show you my apologeticalization, but what do you have in mind?”

“Oh, I was just hoping that you might make me something… You know, a little token to show that you mean it.” Twilight curled a lock of her hair and gave me a bashful look.

“I’ll happily come up with some kind of contraption for you. It’ll have to be sturdy…” I scratched my chin, already laying out schematics before I did away with them.

“I’m sure you’ll find something with all the scrap and new materials I put in your shop!” Twilight said sweetly.

I tilted my head. “Did you convert some of your workspace for me? Twilight, that’s so incredibly sweet and thoughtful… I don’t know what to say.”

She giggled at me. “No, silly! You can use my lab whenever you want, but I bought you a shop in town! I’m sure you’ll find something or some way to run a business.” Her smile made me blank out for a second.

“Uh… You… You bought me a shop?” I asked, thoroughly fucked in the gourd, thrown through a loop-de-loop make of inch-long clitorises and penis tips.

“Of course! You don’t seem like a Harem King to me, so I figured that I would help you get started on finding a path for yourself!”

“... Ya kinda chose a path for me, Purps. If I turn down your offer, then I just wasted a lot of money.” Panic shone through in her eyes along with irritation, so I bitched up real quick before I lost her favor. “We’ll see if I have what it takes to run a business, but I’m going to be leaning on you even harder now.” I sighed.

Twilight’s eyes lit up and she beamed brilliantly. “I know we’ll make it through! You and me? We were made for each other, Jay.” She giggled merrily and my blood fucking froze.

Bitch was loco.

“Isn’t it a little early to tell?” I asked, chuckling nervously.

Her jovial look turned dark. “You don’t love me?”

“In America, love at first sight is like magic; it’s nonexistent. I’ll come to love you on my own time, but I would dial down the gifts a little.” I gave her an encouraging smile, hoping that it would get through to her. “I mean, I know we have chemistry, but I can’t let you give me an entire shop and not spend every waking moment trying to pay you back.”

The fury left and was replaced with another warm look. “Sweetie, my darling, you don’t have to pay me back.”

I subtly took a deep breath and steeled my nerves enough to glare at her, which made her flinch, oddly enough. “I’m not going to just take from you, Twilight. I want to love you right, and that means giving back. When you think of a way for me to pay you back, let me know so I can stop doing random little things for you.”

My ‘Hopeless Romantic’ routine went over with aplomb. “You’re so different from Arcadian men, Jay. Most guys around here would expect me to do that, but I have the funniest feeling that you would have rather me asked you about it beforehand.”

I gave her a half smile. “I really would’ve. I’m sure you’re loaded, being a Princess and all, but I don’t want you using your resources for stuff like that. At least not for me.”

Twilight narrowed her eyes at me, blocking off a lot of my indicators, so I had to read her face as a whole. “If I’m not supposed to shower you with gifts,” I cringed, “then what am I supposed to do?”

“... Kisses and hugs work just fine. When the right time comes around, then probably sex. Honestly, Twilight, I’m not and I never will be with you for what you can provide me with.” I lied heartily. It’d never hurt, anyway, but now I needed to keep her close to stay alive. “In fact, where I come from, it was traditional for the man to take care of the woman in the relationship”

“That’s a little weird, but I’m guessing that it must be hard for you to wrap your head around being the opposite sex in the relationship.” Twilight made a sympathetic face.

“It’s fuckin’ looney’s what it is. Looney like the tunes, babe.” I reached over and grabbed my glasses from the bed since I remembered where I’d left them. “I’m guessing that life is only gonna get loonier.”

“Probably, but that’s supposed to be the life of a Princess.” Twilight giggled.

I chuckled along with her. “I guess I’m going to be catching some weird on the side… Hey Purps?”

“I love that nickname.” She sighed happily.

“I’m glad you do.” I said tenderly. “I know it’s been like, a day, but when’s the soonest I can go see Ty?”

Twilight gave me a sad smile, but her eyes said that she was pissed. “Why would you want to visit the guy that got you thrown in jail, Jay? It doesn’t make much sense to me. Besides, I’ve spent far longer away from my older brother than just two months, and we’re really close too.”

“If y’all can be apart that long and not see each other, then you don’t have the same type of bond that Ty and I do.” At her offended look, I said, “I’m not disparaging the love you have for your brother, Purps, I’m just saying that the longest Ty and I went without seeing each other was when he did a month in jail for vandalism, and we both went through Hell. He ended up joining a gang and I fought more than I ever have in my entire life. Ty might get me into trouble, but it’s worse when we’re not together.”

“We can make Ty play nice.” Twilight said, insanity blatant in her voice.

“... Please don’t.” I requested softly.

“Hmm… Why would I let a menace to women everywhere go free?” Twilight asked.

“He’s not a menace, he’s a slut! He’s just promiscuous and that’s pretty much the only thing wrong with Ty! Like, if he didn’t hit on you when we first got here, would you be as against him as you are?”

“I’m not against Ty, I just don’t think he’s healthy for you. You’re better-”

“I’m not better off without him and don’t you dare fuckin’ say shit like that. You don’t know who I am, Twilight Sparkle. Ty keeps me in check better than I keep him in check.”

She didn’t flinch this time, instead cupping my face with her hand. “I’m sorry, Sweetie. I should have known better than to say something like that.”

I held her hand to my face. “I love my brother too much to not keep tabs on him Twilight. I need to know that he’s okay.”

“You feel like he’s your responsibility, don’t you?”

“I am my brother’s keeper.” I chuckled.

“He’s a grown man, Jay, and he’s older than you at that.”

“He looks after me too, Purps.”

She smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. “... I just don’t see it, I guess. I’ll get a trip together for you in a week, but you might need more time to get your shop settled than you think.”

“I’ll see if I can enlist Belle or Fluttershy to help me out if you’re busy-”

“Oh, I was planning on helping you from the start!” Twilight said brightly.

“Sweet. Let’s hope intelligence equals organizational aptitude, right?”

She pouted at me. “I’ll have you know that I am quite organized. I am a scientist as well as a Sanguis, you know.”

“Wait, why did you call me your kinsmen if you’re not a Medeis back when we were talking about my MR and stuff like that?”

Twilight tilted her head at me. “Most of the Sanguis Ascended from Medeis except for Cadance. It’s not that weird.”

“Oh, I see.”

“Orange insect cloaca?” Twilight asked.

“What?”

“OIC, Orange Insect Cloaca.” She repeated.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“No, you said OIC!”

I gave her a look and she gave me a shit eating grin. “Come on, Twilight.”

“Where to?”

I groaned. “What did I get myself into?”

“A lifetime of great jokes and warm kisses.” She beamed some more.

“I’ll give you a kiss if you stop making jokes.” I offered.

“What’s wrong with my jokes?”

“They’re bad.”

“Oh hush! You wouldn’t know a good joke if it landed on your lap!” She said, waiting for me to take the bait.

If I were a fish, I would have looked at the worm and sighed before giving the line a few tugs like the laziest of handjobs. However, I’m good at being fake as fuck. “Well, if I may be so forward, then I’d like to say that I’d have you in my lap over a joke any day.”

The Cray Cray was on her face when she said, “Why don’t we get started today then?”

“Sounds good to me.” I stood and offered her a hand up.

She took it and gave me an odd look. “Is that another thing that guys do for girls back in America?”

“Well, it’s just a nice gesture period, I think. If I try to open doors for you, then please let me.”

“No.” She said flatly.

“... It’s not even up for-”

“Nope.” She said dismissively.

I folded my arms and went to refute her claims, but she gave me a look that made my throat close up and my mouth go dry. “... ‘Kay.”

“... Did you just ‘Kay’ me?”

“Lil’ scared here.” I said softly.

Twilight’s mouth dropped open with a little, “Oh!” before she wrapped me up in a tight hug. “Jay, I would never hurt you!”

“Thank-”

“Unless you try to leave me. I don't know what I’d do then!” She giggled maniacally.

I swallowed my fear and hugged her back a little tighter. “It’s a good thing you’re sticky, then.”

She lifted her head from my chest and gave me an odd look. “I am?”

“Well, I have a feeling that you’ll stick around as long as I treat you with respect and affection ,so I just gotta stay the path and we don't have to worry about you potentially killing me.” I said lightly, trying to make myself feel better.

“Oh, I know for certain that I wouldn’t kill you. Kidnap, yes, but not kill.” Twilight giggled some more. “Let’s get off of that little topic and move onto where you’re sleeping tonight. My vote is in my bed.” She smiled some more.

I let her go and closed up my body language. “... Little soon for that, isn’t it?”

She gave me a manic smile. “I don’t see why it would be.”

“... I’ve never shared a bed with a woman for more than a couple hours.” Barring childhood and sex, of course. Hell, even with sex, I still never slept in bed, and I’d gone over to most of my girlfriends' places whenever it was that time and tended to wait until the fell asleep to go sit in the living room.

“Well there’s a first time for everything! I’ve never shared a bed with a man before, but I’m sure we’ll work something out.” She grabbed my hands and started swinging them about.

I rolled my wrists out of her grasp and let my hands slide up the length of her arms, over her shoulders, and up her neck so I could gently cradle her face. Twilight froze, her breathing hitching every so often as I let the tension build. I gave Twilight a tongue filled bribe that couldn’t be accurately described as PG-13. I easily could have had a sweet piece of Twilight in a fucking prison cell of all places, which has been the source of so many fucking laughs over the years, it’s ridiculous. It’s like some shitty harlequin romance novel where a Princess falls in love with a prisoner and they do it in the dungeons or some shit. I decided not to consummate our relationship in a place where my brother and I had stankified the pot with increasingly large logs and ended the kiss when Twilight got me to half mast with her antics.

I took a step away and held her arms. “Twilight, I’ll kiss you until the Sun goes down for the final time, but the idea of sleeping with someone makes me wanna run.”

“Sleeping sleeping or coitus sleeping?”

“Sleeping sleeping. I don’t like being defenseless around people.”

She took my hands and placed them over her heart. “What if I Pinkie promised to never hurt you? Would that make you feel better?”

“... Aren’t we a little old for the pinkie promise thing?”

“A twenty-four year old woman came up with it.” Twilight replied blankly, holding up her right pinkie.

“... Fucking Max, this planet is weird.”

I like it

“I’m sure you do. You probably made it.” I grumbled.

“What was that?” Twilight asked.

“Talking to TB. He said he likes Arkaid.”

“... TB?”

“The Torch Bearer. The guy who’s taking over for the Creator so he can wink out of existence.”

She sniffed me. “... You don’t really smell like Helix Powder…”

“What’s that?” I asked.

“An excuse for you to be sounding crazy.” Twilight chuckled awkwardly.

I rolled my eyes. “I’m supposed to accept being put on a different fucking planet that has Maxdamn magic, but no believes that the alien is speaking the truth. It’s like, how do you expect to learn anything if you ignore new information.”

There was fire in Twilight’s eyes. I mean, I’m still pretty sure that I saw the actual ghosts of flames in her irises. “Are you doubting my intellectual curiosity?”

“I’m downright challenging it.” I lifted my chin.

“Prove your Torch Bearer exists.” She stuck her own chin in the air.

“I need a bottle of bourbon, a non-flammable bowl, and my things from Applejack’s.”

“... You’re serious?”

“Deadass.”

“... What would a dead donkey have to do with anything?”

I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Um… I guess it’d be hard to pull your wagon if your donkey died or something.”

“Oh. I’m pretty sure you just made that up.”

“It was just slang that meant ‘yeah’ back on Earth, but I don’t know the etymology.”

“Then why did you pretend to know?”

“Um… Reasons? I don’t know what they are, but I’m sure that they are.”

“That they are what?”

“In existence.”

Twilight ran her fingers through her bangs. “I just entered a relationship with one weird fella.”

I wanted to ask her what amount of room she thought she had to be talking, but I liked my head where it was. “I blame all the lithium they’ve been putting in the batteries.”

“Why would there be lithium in a battery? How would you even get a metal into a crystal without using Aqlchemy or micro-translocation?” She looked at me expectantly.

“... Uh, I don’t really know how to make batteries, I just know how to use them. Never even heard of a crystal battery.”

“Then what are your batteries made of?”

“Uh… Zinc and magnesium dioxide, I think. I think the last time I looked it up was back when I was like, seven.”

“Oh, so you had tomes and textbooks on general knowledge on Earth?”

“Can we have this conversation after I have a shower and a change of clothes, please?”

Twilight puckered her lips slightly and walked her fingers up my chest, so I touched her arm. “... Can I join you in that shower?”

“Is Spike going to be there?”

“He’s old enough to know that his big sister is dating someone. We’ve actually talked about it, and he says that he thinks you’re a good fit for me because you’re weird.” She rolled her eyes. “He thinks everyone who isn’t a Drake is weird though, so don’t take offense to that.”

“What’s a Drake?” I asked.

“Someone born with Dragon’s Blood in their veins. Sometimes Dragons lay eggs that are dysfunctional due to the highly magically environment of a Dragon’s cloaca, and the ability to shift between Human and Dragon forms get mixed up at birth. I hatched Spike as a Human baby, but he’ll eventually be able to harness his inborn mana and transform into a full-blooded Dragon.” Twilight said, Lecture Mode initiated.

“... So he’s a Dragon?”

“Yes, but the correct term is Drake. They aren’t that uncommon in larger cities, but Spike’s the only Drake in town right now.”

“Right. Can we leave now?”

“Can I shower with you?”

“Are you gonna grope me?”

“Ma~ybe.” Twilight sang.

I gave her a blank look for a few moments. “Alright, this is permissible. I actually wanna get clean though.”

Twilight stepped a little closer and stood on her tiptoes to lick my neck. I thought she was about to end my life for a second. “I don’t mind getting my tongue dirty to help you get clean.” She purred.

I resisted the temptation to shudder at the thought. “As nice as that sounds, I’d rather be clean for that anyway.”

“Does not bathing bother you?”

“Very much so.”

Twilight teleported us into a bathroom that I assumed was hers. “I’ll be right back, okay? Get the water started, but don’t get in without me!”

She went to leave, but I needed to earn some brownie points, so I caught her on the way out and gave her a parting kiss. “Don’t be long, Purps. I'll miss ya.”

Twilight gave me a quick kiss and a bright smile before dashing off to go do whatever it was she was going to do, so I had a look around. The bathroom itself was neat and orderly like it had just been cleaned, and even smelled faintly of lavender. I wondered if Twilight was actually a tidy person or if she was putting up a front for me, but let it go before I went too far down the rabbit hole. I figured it would be for the best if I started making funny faces in the mirror so Twilight would catch me doing it, and when she returned, the action was noted and she gave me a kiss for being silly. It was a poke to the pride, but getting to help her strip was pretty fucking worth it. Her perky little B-cups hid behind white lingerie that was frilled with purple lacy embellishments. Her panties were much the same, and I was easily impressed by her choice in attire, though I felt bad for not being able to do much in turn with dirty boxers and greasy hair.

Apparently Twilight bought specially scented unisex soap just for us to use during our first shower together, and I was a little surprised to find that I was actually kind of digging having her wash me since she wasn’t technically touching me due the washcloth in the way. Twilight could wash a back with the best of them, so I made sure that the little fondles and kisses I initiated after we were clean were nice and tender for her efforts and restraint. I finally allowed myself to harden when I encouraged Twilight to do some exploring with her hands while I did the same. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the moment, despite the yandere that might renege on her word feeling me up, but the awe on Twilight’s face kinda made it feel worthwhile. It was like she’d struck gold in me and I couldn’t help but want to give her more of what she obviously wanted.

My hands traveled south on Twilight and over the short, fuzzy growth on her muns, but Twilight pushed my hand away and leaned out of the kiss we’d been sharing with a blush on her face. “Don’t you want to save that for later?”

“One more kiss before we get out, then?” I bargained.

She smiled and gave it to me. “You don’t have to be in the shower to make me wet.” Twilight purred.

I gave her a dopey look. “I carry a squirt gun”

She gave my bratwurst a quick physical. “Is this it?”

“It takes a few pumps, but it’ll spray.”

“Only a few?”

“Well, it takes a little while, but it’s well worth the effort as long as you don’t hit someone in the eyes.”

Twilight smiled and licked my chest for some odd reason. She was probably trying to be sexy. “I’ll be sure to swallow. Everyone says that guys don’t like girls who keep it all to themselves, but I just want that one little thing. It’s not too much to ask, is it?”

I gave her a look. “... Twilight, if you want to keep it all to yourself, do so knowing that I’m happier that you kept it.”

“Aww, that’s so sweet! I can’t wait to see if you taste sweet too!”

“I have been eating apples for the past few days.” I murmured. It was most of the prison fare besides bread and a bowl of cold broth. Those two apples with every meal were better than any other fruit I'd ever had at that point in my life, but the broth was the perfect au jus to the bread, to be fair.

She giggled at that. “I can’t wait to see if you taste like apples!”

“Knowing my luck, I’ll probably taste like butterscotch.” I sighed.

“I like butterscotch.” Twilight huffed.

“I’m not judging you, I’m just seeing you in a different light.” I replied sagaciously.

Twilight gave me a look and the shower turned off by itself. She closed her eyes and we were dry moments later. “I’m shoving you into a rune circle for that.”

“Which one?”

“The Mana Mark one that we should have gotten to last time.”

“Ah. Can you gently lead me in for the price of two, count ‘em, two kisses?” I asked.

She beamed and stole one from me. “Deal! Hurry up and get dressed so I can get the other kiss, okay?”

I swept the shower curtain aside because I was feeling mildly amused and got dressed in the clothes Twilight had brought back for me. Everything fit pretty well and was rather comfortable, seeing as how it was just a black collared shirt and some jeans. The boxers included were nice and breezy, but I was mostly concerned with the clothes themselves and where they came from. After getting dressed, Twilight lead me down to the living room slash library area where Spike was chilling and she told him that we might be experimenting in the basement.

He raised a brow at me. “Experimenting?”

“We’re trying to find my Mana Mark.” I explained.

“Right. Twilight, why is the guy who put a hole in our floor back in our house? I mean, don’t get me wrong, but doesn’t that seem like a bad idea?”

Twilight gave him a look that made the poor fellow’s protests wither under her gaze. “Jay sincerely apologized, and he was under duress when he did that anyway. I like him, so he’s going to see how he likes staying with us.”

“I’ll try to stay out of your way and help out as much as I can.” I said awkwardly.

Spike nodded, his shoulders hunched. “R-Right. Cool. Thanks.”

I was wringing my hands as Twilight took us down to the basement again, but this time, nothing was going to go wrong because Murphy was sleeping. Purps took me over to a white rune circle that was actually circular before leading me in by the hand. “See? I can keep my end of the deal.”

I gave her another kiss for not killing me and she checked out my right forearm when we were done with that little smooch. Since she was looking at the thing, I had to look at the thing, and lo’ and behold, I had myself a Mana Mark. I was a little confused since I didn’t know what the crazy looking soldering iron actually was, and the pistol that it was parallel with was unlike anything I’d ever actually seen, seemingly made of clockwork. A cog encircled the two things, but I didn’t know what either fucking one of them was.

It was a good thing that Twilight was as smart as she was crazy. “Congratulations on being an Artificer!”

“What?” I asked blankly.

“This means that buying your shop was the best move I could have made!” Twilight said, her voice carrying a different truth. She probably checked my Mana Mark before she sent me to join Ty.

I swallowed the negative feeling in favor of not feeling like a trapped rat. “Why’s that?”

She gave me an incredulous look. “If you’re an Artificer, then that means that you’re an Enchanter, plus you can probably work with runes! Your magical doors just opened up all over again!”

“Cool beans.” I replied elegantly. “Should I start studying how to do this stuff, or is it magic as shit and just comes to me?”

Twilight blinked at me. “... I don’t see how you’re not excited about this.”

“I don’t really know what it means, Twilight.”

“It means that you’re going to be making Prinnies hand over fist if you have an sort of aptitude for it! Enchanters with your power are rare since most people don’t respect Enchanting as a School of Magic, but Artificers are even rarer since having an Artificer’s Engraver as a Mana Mark rarely ever happens! You got super lucky, Jay.”

I scratched my face and chuckled. “I always fantasized about having magic, y’know? Casting shield spells, summoning storms, creating fire from thin air; all of it. Never thought about how being able to do all that amazing stuff with Magic would do if I was just trying to live a normal life. I mean, I just got handed a good job on a silver platter, so all I gotta do is keep at it. Makes me wonder what Ty’s Mana Mark is, though.”

Twilight raised her brows. “He didn’t tell you? He already got it.”

“What?”

“Yup. It was a bed with three ‘X’s on the covers.”

I cracked up. “Aw shit, it’s not even a surprise.”

“I don’t know what it means, but I’m assuming that it has something to do with intercourse.” Twilight said drily.

“You’re one hundred percent dead on. I told you that Ty was a slut.”

“You shouldn’t say things like that about your brother, even if they’re true.” Twilight said softly.

“He gets more tail than a toilet seat. It’s just unnecessary.” I scoffed. “Anyway, what’s a Prinny?”

She gave me an odd look. “Why did you wait so long to ask?”

“We were talking about more important things.” I replied matter-of-factly. We can cover all topics depending on how we approach the conversation.”

“... You’re really efficient. That’s… That’s pretty hot to be honest with you.”

“Thanks, Your Adorableness. What’s a Prinny though?”

She gave me a smile and I could see the shift in her eyes. “Prinnies are lump sum coins that come in tidy numbers that range from twenty-five to one hundred at intervals of twenty-five. Each coin is named for a Princess, and they’re named, in order of ascending value, Twily, Caddy, Looney, and Celly. A Twily, which has both of my faces on it, is worth twenty five bits, and a Looney, named for Luna, is worth seventy-five. I’m sure you can figure out the rest.”

“I’m stuck on the two faces thing at the moment.” I gave her a dopey smile.

Twilight was about to reply when we were interrupted by the sound of feet quickly descending down the staircase, and then a loud rush of wind and a heavy breeze as something large and bipedal flew right up on us. If I’d have had my gun, I woulda shot the shit out of the woman who rasped, “Hey Twi, I’m looking for a good GL kinda book. Ya know, mix it up a little. Got any suggestions?” She asked, ignoring me completely.

I took a moment to examine the toned form of the technicolor-haired Icarian in from of me. Her hair was kind of scene, thus making it gay as shit, but the tight-fitting apparel she was wearing made that seem like less of an issue since she had the same problem that a lot of slim, toned women have; she lacked ass. “Rainbow Dash, is it really that hard to not be rude to a man when you meet one?”

Dash glanced at me. “Sorry, Bub.”

“Don’t sweat it, Dashie.” I replied.

Rainbow Dash went from glancing to glaring. “Don’t call me Dashie unless you know me.”

“Here’s hoping we get along then. I’m Jameson, but my friends call me Jay. I’m the guy Twilight and Applejack seem to like more than the other ones, though I don’t really get why.” I rubbed the scruff on my chin.

“Wait, you’re Jay? The guy I’m supposed to be keeping an ear to the ground on?” She scoffed. “Dude, I can tell just by looking at you that you’re pretty much harmless unless someone starts screwing with you.”

I shrugged. “I’ve told Applejack the same thing. Hell, I had a knife in jail and I didn’t try anything because that’s just not me.”

Rainbow smirked. “So you’re a wimp?”

“I’m just not that mean.” I shrugged.

“Rainbow, stop trying to egg Jay on for no reason.” Twilight snapped.

Dash flapped her ethereal wings, hovering in the air. “Yeah. yeah, yeah. Whatever you say, Twilight.”

Rainbow dismissed the fire in Twilight’s eyes, but I saw it for what it was. I wasn’t about to save her ass though. “I’m warning you, Rainbow. Messing with my man is a fast track to getting a spanking in public. Again.”

Dash colored and gasped. “You said you wouldn’t do that again!”

“I won’t if you don’t make me.” Twilight huffed.

“You suck, you know that?” The rainbow-haired woman griped.

“I’m just trying to get you to be nice to someone who hasn’t done anything to you. Jay’s a nice guy if you give him a chance and avoid messing with his brother.”

Rainbow looked at me with a modicum of respect. “Loyal kinda guy, are ya?”

“If you can earn my loyalty, you keep it until you fuck me bad enough.” I replied.

“What, too many bad experiences with the ladies?” Dash scoffed. “Trust me, dealing with guys is worse.”

“From what I hear, guys in Arcadia are largely lazy ass punks with too much time on their hands. Glad I’m not from this planet.” I grunted.

Rainbow rolled her eyes and looked at Twilight. “And you’re making this lunatic your-”

“Rainbow Dash, you know that word is very offensive to Luna!” Twilight chided.

The athletic woman groaned and rubbed her forehead. “Look, Twi, this guy sounds like a crazy cotton ball. What can he do for you?”

Twilight glared at her. “I don’t need Jay to do anything other than love me.”

“And what makes you think he's not just with you because of your status?”

“He went for Applejack first and seems to be staying true to her. I’m sure we’ll see who the favorite is tomorrow.”

“Applejack’s losing because she took my stuff. Twilight’s winning because I swear she tastes like weird grape juice.” I commented.

Rainbow stared at me. “Applejack doesn’t steal from people.”

“She took his weapons.” Twilight clarified.

Dash snorted. “She shoulda let him try something.”

“What’s your bag? Are you just a twat to everyone, or did I somehow offend you without doing anything?” I asked.

She narrowed her eyes at me. “Ya wanna run that middle bit by me again, punk?”

“Hostile. Good way to get laid out, bitch.” I snarled.

Twilight put a hand on my chest and stepped between us. “Either of you move and I’m arresting you, okay? Okay. Rainbow, I don’t keep GL type books in the library, so try Pinkie or Fluttershy. Jay, if you start fights while on probation, I’m gonna punish you somehow and you’re not gonna be happy about it!”

Rainbow snorted. “See ya later, Twi. Keep a muzzle on your mutt-”

“Kill yourself. Slit your wrists and sit in an ice bath so that you die slowly. Call me a fucking mutt again, you retarded cunt. I dare you.” I growled, letting the hate flow through me like I was trying to feel the Dark Side of the Force.

Dash popped her knuckles. “Doggy don’t need teeth, huh?”

I popped my neck, but when I went to move, I was stuck all over again. Twilight came around to give me a disapproving look, but there was more confusion in her eyes than anger. “Jameson, that was an awful thing to say, but I’m sure you have an explanation.”

“Calling a mixed person a mutt is like calling a black person a nigger. It’s a fast track to getting hurt, and I don’t like saying either.” I informed.

“How is Ty saying ‘Nigga’ all the time different from pronouncing it with an ‘R’?” Twilight asked, rubbing her face.

“I think both uses of the word are demeaning to the person you’re using it toward, and to the person using the word. Ty does it because he a fool.”

“So Rainbow just called you a really bad word?”

“Do you have the term ‘racial slur’ here?”

Twilight nodded. “You still shouldn’t have said what you did.”

“I’m not taking it back.” I replied.

“I didn’t expect you to. I’m gonna go talk to Rainbow.” She patted my shoulder and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek before walking over to nag at Dash for being a bitch. The rainbow raggin’ ratchet twat left after some harsh whispers and Twilight let me go when she came back to me. “So, has that ruined your day, or would you like to try and mess around for a little bit?”

I raised a brow at her. “We’ve done a little messing around already. Are you trying to tell me that it’s nightfall?”

She blushed and pinched my cheek. “It’s not that time quite yet, but if you can’t wait…” Twilight trailed off, giving me a hopeful look.

I glanced at the staircase. “Maybe when we’re somewhere with less interruptions.”

“You know I can lock that door, right?”

She did lock that door. She locked the fuck out of that door, because I could hear multiple deadbolts and other kinds of locks slide into place as Twilight reached up to place her hands around my neck. I figured I’d give in and see what all the fuss was about when it came to crazy pussy, so I leaned down to make her ob easier and laid down the lip-laws with some smooches, a prolonged tongue wrestling session, another little smooch, and then the unbuttoning of her blouse.

Twilight let me do as I pleased with apprehension in her eyes, so I was sure to slide her top off of her shoulders instead of pulling it off or generally flustering her with my actions. Her breathing was soft and uneven as I let my fingertips graze the soft, smooth flesh of her arms up to her clavicle. It was warm enough in the basement to be bearable, but there was a slight chill in places that made me hope that I wouldn’t shrink. My thoughts were baseless since I didn’t have to worry about it until I wanted to de to Twilight being frozen in place, so I tried to jumpstart her with a kiss and ended up unhooking her bra because I could.

When her bra was gone, Twilight started shivering lightly, so I slowed down further and tried to calm her nerves through a soothing kiss that lacked the passion of the first one. My girlfriend became responsive again and even tried to dominate the kiss, so I let her to see what she would do. Her first move was to relieve me of my shirt, which was all well and good, but her hands scrambled with my pants, her hands chilly and shaking. I swept them away and did it for her before taking her hands in mine, breaking our kiss so I could blow on them to warm them up. Twilight watched on in silent rapture, the elation in her eyes and the desire on her face working together to make me certain that it was about to be a fun time, as long as she didn’t think my dong was better off in her nightstand or something.

I stepped out of my pants and unbuttoned Twilight’s skirt, letting it fall to the ground, coming closer so I could grab a handful of my sweet, sweet prize. She tensed up, of course, and that just made the experience that much better. “Purps, Bae. Follow my lead for a sec, okay?”

“That’s what I’ve been doing.” She rubbed my breasticles gently. “It’s worked out well so far- Eep!” I picked her up by her thighs and made sure that she knew how my lower half was feeling at the moment.

“It’ll get better here in a bit.” I craned my neck a bit and kissed Twilight’s temple since she was clinging onto me for dear life.

“... Most guys aren’t strong enough to carry a woman. A lot of women can’t carry a full grown woman.” Purps murmured.

“You feel pretty light to me, though that might be because of the extra balance I get from my third leg.” I boasted a little, looking around for a place to make a mess of Twilight.

She adjusted herself slightly and ended up grinding along my shaft, causing her to let out a mild moan of surprise before she started doing it more. “M-Maybe you could put me down for a moment?”

I let her down easy as I asked, “Why’s that?”

“W-Well, it’s traditional for an Arcadian woman to take care of her man’s needs before her own.” Twilight steepled her fingers, her eyes glued to my crotch.

“Is there somewhere for you to sit down here? I think I have something you might like.” I said, making a guess.

Twilight gave me a smile. “If you’d rather sit,” She waved a hand teleported a comfy looking chair in front of us, “then here we are.”

I gave her a smile in return. “You’re still following my lead, right?”

“Of course!”

I gestured toward the chair. “Have a seat.”

She gave me an odd look and started moving toward the chair, and when she sat down, she started looking worried as I knelt in front of her. “... Jay? You’re not going to swear an oath to me right now, are you?”

I put my hands on her knees and spread her legs, making her blush. “Hush, Purps. Unless it feels too good to keep to yourself or I’m hurting you, be like a donut and shh.”

“... Don’t donuts get eaten?” She asked as I pulled her dampened panties off. There was a string of nectar connecting the fabric and the treasure, so I collected the liquid on a finger and made sure that Twilight saw me stick it in my mouth.

“Pretend like you’re a person shaped lollipop and I’m a particularly odd person.” I hooked my arms under Twilight’s legs and lifted her off the seat a bit so I could get her into a better position.

“Eep! Jay, what are you doing besides staring at my stuff!?” Twilight cried.

I gave her clitoral hood a flick with my tongue and she made a noice noise of approval. “Let me work Terran Magic, yeah? Just relax, Purps.”

She watched on interestedly as I went back to square one and started were I should have in the first place. Twilight’s thighs weren’t shaven, but the sparse, fine hair didn’t bother me at all since I don’t really give a fuck about shaved legs. However, I was going to ask Twilight to do shave some of the growth around her lower lips so I would have easier access. I caressed her slightly fuzzy thighs because they felt nice and started planting kisses on the insides of them, alternating from side to side while glancing at Twilight. A musky scent filled the air, distinctly feminine, yet like someone had let grapes stay in the sun too long after they’d been picked. It wasn’t a bad smell by far, but it was a little odd that women from Arcadia had signature scents.

I decided to get a taste of Twilight for myself after I kissed my way down her thighs, to the goal I had in mind. I kept my kiss against her vertical lips kosher, not even slipping her any tongue, but it was still enough to make her gasp. “J-Jay? D-Do guys do this for girls on Earth?”

I teased her entrance wit my tongue for a moment before letting the tip collect the dew she’d created along her slit. “We do, but not all of us. I prefer giving to getting in this respect anyway.” With all the information I felt needed to be shared put on the air, I went back to what I was doing and reclaimed one of my arms to I could peel Twilight’s hood back so the real fun could start.

“J-Jay?” Twilight squeaked.

“Yes, Purps?” I asked, hoping she wasn’t about to blueball me.

“... It feels good. I thought I should let you know.” She said shyly, flipping the switch from the girl who stroked me in the shower less than a full hour ago.

I smiled and pinched her clit lightly, making her gasp, then moan. “It’ll get better. Trust me.”

I left my hand where it was and decided to get a good taste of Twilight directly from the source this time. I lapped up her dripping juices until my saliva was the main thing making her wet, then I let my tongue slip inside of her folds to collect more of her oddly sweet, somewhat tangy nectar. Purps gave me plenty of noises to let me know that I was doing well, and when I slipped my index finger inside of her, she was quite receptive. Tight, but receptive. I had to maneuver my other arm so that I could hold her clitoral hood back to further heighten the moment for her, but I misjudged Twilight’s stamina and she squirted in my face like the dam had burst and I was an unlucky town on lower land.

Her orgasm seemed adequate for my standards, seeing as how she said, “Fucking fuck! Oh my Heavens Jameson!”

I sat back on my heels and wiped the fluid from my eyes, licking my lips with the hopes that I didn’t just get R. Kelly’ed. It tasted like funky grape juice, so I asked, “Does that happen often, or am I special?”

Twilight hummed. “It’s happened once or twice.” She said blissfully.

“So I’m special.” I chuckled as I went to wipe my face off.

She stopped me with a lazy wave of her hand and leaned down to lick my entire face clean of her juices, which was weird and kinky, but in a good way. Twilight leaned back in her seat and raised her legs high before gently playing with herself in a way that I could easily see. “Does this turn you on, Sweetie?”

“I was turned on before we even got undressed.” I replied cheekily.

Twilight gave me a lascivious grin. “I’m yours. Tell me what you want me to do, and I’ll do it.”

I rose from the floor, my knees popping loudly since I borrowed them from a fifty year-old man at birth. “If your legs can hold you, stand up.”

She got up shakily, so I gave her a hand until she could balance on her own. Once she was good, I stripped my boxers off and unleashed Shifu Wang Lo.

Yeah, my dick is Chinese. I figured I’d add an extra inch to their average since both sets of my folks got it covered in the meat department compared to those poor bastards.

Anyway, I scooped Twilight p again, but since she was like, a hundred pounds soaking wet, and wet she was. It didn’t take Twilight long to produce more more of her Crystal version of fermented Grape Crush, if the slipperiness of her honeypot was anything to go by. TWilight didn’t hang on quite as tight this time as I hoped that the angle of my erection would allow me to guide her onto myself with few issues. It took a try or two, but I eventually got my tip pressed against her entrance, and second by second, I eased my way into her.

Once the tip was in, Twilight’s breathing hitched and picked up as she tried to ride me without any leverage. “Ja~ay! I’m not fragile! You can put it in however you want!”

I nibbled on her neck and gave it too her a little more quickly, but I was still sliding in with a little difficulty due to her tightness. “Easy does it, Twilight. Don’t wanna hurt you because we’re impatient.”

She bit my shoulder, though it was more like she opened her mouth and let her teeth rest on my flesh. It didn’t feel bad, but then Twilight actually bit down and started sucking, which kinda sucked, her sucking did. It was at that point I figured that bottoming out could wait for a second, A second passed, so I lifted her slightly before dropping her onto me, hilting her in one go. Twilight trembled hard and let out a low moan through her nose, but I hadn't felt her hymen break or anything, so I didn’t think I was hurting her.

I let her rest with my full length inside of her, m tip pressed against her cervix. “Does it hurt? Tell me-”

“I’m okay, you worry wort.” Twilight licked the spot she’d bitten like that would make it suck less. I didn’t miss the tightness in her voice, though she tried to keep it light. “I just feel so full with you inside of me.”

I started gently rocking in place, trusting into Twilight softly, earning more modest moans for my efforts. “I ain’t tryna rush this, Twilight. I want you to enjoy this as much as I am.”

“Mmm~ Keep doing that, just like that.” Twilight pleaded softly.

That told me that Twilight liked gentle, short strokes to get warmed up, so I gradually picked up the pace as she picked up more pleasure. It was clear that she was coming close to a climax all over again, but I had no idea how much time had passed and I wasn’t really all that close myself, but I stayed the path and gave Twilight some tender lovin’ until she wrapped her legs around me too tightly for me to move and tried to crush me as I held her. Twilight’s quivering walls felt wonderful on my rod, but it wasn’t enough for me to get off. I was, however, a little wary of Twilight trying to get me to impregnate her.

While Twilight was melting into me, I carried us over to the chair she’d conjured up and had a seat, forcing myself to calm down. When I was down to half mast, Twilight asked, “Jay? Did- Did you…?”

I couldn’t read her tone, so I replied truthfully. “No, and I’m not going to until we have some kind of protection. I’m steadily liking more of what I see from you, but having a kid scares me a lot.”

She breathed a heavy sigh of relief. “Oh thank the Heavens, I thought I was going to have to make a trip to Zecora’s for a second. I should’ve been thinking about how dangerous today was for something like this.”

I leaned back so I could look at Twilight. “Oh shit. If I was more sensitive, we’d be parents.”

“Not if I could help it.” Twilight scoffed. “I had to raise Spike before I was a Princess, and now that I am one, I doubt I’d be a decent Mom. You might make a decent Dad, but I’d be absent a lot.”

“I’m terrible with people under the age of twelve. I just… I don’t deal.”

Twilight kissed my nose. “Which is why I’m glad that you’ve got a lot of restraint, but now I’m sad that you didn’t reach a climax…”

“We have all night, Twilight.” I assured her.

Long story short because it was a bad night, Twilight gives it toothy, she does not own condoms, and my dick ached for release, so I had to settle for teaching Twilight's crazy ass how to give a decent blowjob. She was great with her tongue, she just forgot about her teeth too often and that stresses me out every time. Still busted a nut, but was the nut worth it? In hindsight, I should have asked Twilight if she had any lube.

Oh well.

Author's Notes:

Another one bites the dust.

As Always, Stay Cool, Kids.