Human, it's Cold Outside!

by CategoricalGrant

Chapter 1: "B-but human...it's Cold Outside!"

You lay on the ground with a contented smile on your face, gently running your fingers through Celestia’s mane. Her head rests on your chest, and her hooves are wrapped tightly around your midsection.

Looking up at the cold, white stone ceiling, you focus your attention on the crackling of the fire and Princess Celestia’s soft breathing. Squeezing her tightly with your unoccupied arm, you lift up your neck slightly to look at the ornate, bejeweled clock on the wall.

Oh, crap! It’s already 11:30. That’s late- the last train back to Ponyville is in under an hour.

Sighing slightly, you lean down to nuzzle the top of Celestia’s head. “Alrighty, Celestia. Thank you so much for inviting me to the castle, but I think it’s time I get going.”

“Noooooo,” she whines, pulling herself tighter to you. “I’m too comfortable!”

She’s certainly big for a little pony, but you begin to scoot yourself out from under her regardless. “I am too, Your Highness, but I’ve got to catch a train, and I really can’t stay.”

Her head shoots off of your chest and she looks at you, seemingly startled. “Can't stay? But, my little human, it’s cold outside!”

You roll your neck and glance out the window. Thick clumps of snow are falling in front of what is otherwise a pitch-black sky. A gust of wind arrives at that moment, seemingly accentuating your pony friend’s point and blowing the snow sideways across your view.

“Well, of course it is, it’s winter,” you reply with a furrowed brow. “I appreciated the chat, and the cider, and even our little cuddle session, but I’ve got to go away.”

“B-but…it’s so cold outside!” she repeats again, as if she hadn’t made herself heard the first time.

You roll your eyes. “Princess Celestia, this visit…the entire evening-“

“I had really hoped you had gotten my invitation and were coming!” Princess Celestia interjected, grasping at what she falsely considered to be a hole in the conversation.

“…was so very nice,” you finish your sentence. “But-“

“You already feel cold, though!” she gasps, placing a hoof over one of your hands. “Your little hoovsies-“


“Your little fingers feel just like ice!”

“Oh, don’t be so melodramatic,” you say, finally pulling your body out from under her and putting on your hat. “Getting back to Ponyville just requires a quick walk to the train station. Besides, Spike will start to worry.”

Before you can get up, Celestia wiggles over and pins you to the floor, looking down at you from above with what is obviously a very concerned, even hurt, expression. “Spike would be worried for your safety in this weather! What’s your hurry?”

“I bet Twilight’s already pacing the floor,” you respond, not too charmed with the Princess’ cuddly restraint tactics.

“My former student would do well to worry less. Now, listen to that fire,” Princess Celestia hummed. “It’s so nice, isn’t it?”

The rippling noise of the fire was indeed calming. So too was the scent of burning pine that filled the room. In fact, almost everything around you was very nice.

What was not nice was having 350 pounds of pony princess squashing you into the floor. “Well, I live with Twilight, so her mental health is a priority too. It’s time for me to scurry.”

You try to escape from under Celestia’s grapple, to no avail. “My little human, please don’t hurry!” she whines, holding your limbs down with a combination of her magical aura and deceptive strength. “I’m concerned for you!”

The quivering frown on Celestia’s face tears into your heart. You look over at the clock, pausing to make a quick calculation, before speaking again. “Well, I have time for maybe…half a drink more?”

Princess Celestia hops up joyously. “Oh, good! I’ll go pour you something. Why don’t you wind up one of my music boxes while I do that?”

You walk over to a tiny, gilded music box sitting on a side table as Celestia scurries off to fix you your beverage. Gently, you wind up a little knob on the side, and some classical music begins to chime from the box. You squint at the little purple pony figure twirling about on top. “Huh…looks kinda like Twilight.”

Princess Celestia returns over to you, a short glass filled with heady, brown liquid floating in her magic aura. Nabbing it with your hand, you swirl it around a few times. “Well, I should still go after I finish this. I can’t imagine what everypony else in Ponyville might think.”

“Don’t you dare think about leaving,” Celestia scolds. “It’s too cold for you to go safely!”

You take a hearty swig of the drink Celestia poured for you, ignoring her entreaty; it tastes excellent but the flavor is overpowering. Intoxicating, even. “Say, what’s in this drink?”

Celestia responds to your passive-aggressive conversational behavior with some of her own. “It is far too late to get a cab to the train station. Not many cabs are even out in this weather!”

You shake your head in frustration, and look up at Princess Celestia. Something about her tired, sad expression hits your heart. Putting down your drink and closing the gap, you wrap your arms around her neck in a sweet hug, which she returns. “I wish I knew how to be in two places at once,” you muse to her in a pitiful version of an apology.

Celestia looks deeply into your eyes and smiles. “Your eyes are so sparkly! And tiny!”

Her own magenta irises draw you in, and you find yourself drawn back to Celestia in a standing-up cuddle. “If you do know a spell like that, I’m interested,” you mumble tiredly into her coat. “Just as long as you can break it later.”

“Let me take your hat,” Celestia says, pulling it off with her magic and tossing it across the room.

…Where it lands in the fire and promptly ignites.

Without removing yourself from the hug, you look into the fire silently, too shocked at what had happened to feel any clearly-defined emotions. “Uhhh…”

“…Oops!” Celestia hums, somewhat halfheartedly.

You finally process enough information to develop feelings about the situation. Letting out a growl, you release your grip on Princess Celestia and step back to shoot her your best angry eyes. “I’m not staying. No, no, no, Your Highness!”

“Do you mind if we lie down on the couch for just a moment?” Princess Celestia asks, giving you a gentle but firm shove backward onto the cushy piece of furniture and completely ignoring your last statement.

You grunt in annoyance as you hit the couch and Celestia quickly scrambles over, lying next to you and resting her head on your chest again. She unfurls a warm, soft wing to cover you as well and lets out a blissful sigh.

You struggle a little bit but quickly give up. “At least I can say that I tried to get out of this darn castle.”

“What’s the sense in doing that? All it’s going to do is hurt my feelings,” Celestia pouts, giving you a squeeze. “I’m a Princess, you should be extra nice to me.”

With a quick an unexpected roll off of the couch and out of Celestia’s grasp, you stand up and brush yourself off. “Look, I really can’t stay.” You briskly walk over towards the chamber door.

Celestia hops off the couch and follows you quickly. “Don’t be such a holdout! I mean, it’s so-“

“Cold outside,” you both say simultaneously, albeit with very different tones.

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” you groan, opening the door but addressing Celestia over your shoulder. “I’ve got to get home.”

“Home!?” a new voice cries from right behind the door you just opened. “But, human, you’ll freeze out there!”

You growl and turn your head forward to look at Princess Luna. “Luna, I don’t want to have this discussion. If you’re worried about me, why don’t you lend me a coat, or a warm scarf, or a hat to replace the one Celestia set on fire?

“You can’t leave!” Luna continues, just as incredulous as before. “The snow will be up to the middle of your legs! What do you call that?”

“The knee.”

“Yes. It’s up to your knees out there! You cannot possibly leave!”

“You should listen to my sister,” Celestia calls from behind you.

You realize you’re trapped between the two princesses, and your heart begins to beat a little quicker as your mind rushes over potential escape plans. “Both of you were just grand hosts,” you half-plead, “but-“

“You didn’t even give me a single ear scratch!” Luna whines. “I’ve been so busy working I haven’t gotten to spend any time with you on your visit or feel the thrill of scratchy-scratchies!”

You finally let out a more aggressive growl of exasperation. “Why don’t you two just see-“

HOW CAN YOU DO THIS THING TO ME!?” Luna wails, falling prone in front of you. “NOT A SINGLE EAR SCRATCH!

“There is bound to be gossip out the yin-yang in Ponyville tomorrow if I don’t get back,” you argue, pointing a thumb in the rough direction of the village for emphasis. “Maybe they’ll think I went on a bender, or was kidnapped, or something.”

“My sorrow is eternal!” Luna moans, looking up at you with a big pout, watery eyes and a quivering lower lip. “First a thousand years on the moon, and now this! Leaving early in the dangerous cold, without so much as even a hug to remember you by after you freeze to death!”

You feel your resistance slowly fade away as your frustration morphs into weariness and an overwhelming desire to hug the soft, flirty Princesses. “Well, at least there will be plenty implied in the conversation,” you sigh, rubbing your eyes. “It’ll be interesting to hear it all, too.”

“If the freezing doesn’t kill you, the pneumonia will!” warns Luna dramatically. “We still wholeheartedly reject germ theory!”

“I-I really can’t stay,” you offer feebly, a pitiful entreaty that offers your last hope of escape.

“Oh, just stop holding out on us,” Celestia chimes in, clearly having noticed your fortitude crumbling before Luna’s onslaught.

“Ah, it’s too frickin’ cold outside,” you mutter, moving back over to sit on the couch and collapsing.

“Yes! Much too cold for you to leave,” offers Celestia.

Her ears perking up, Princess Luna hops off of the ground and looks at you hopefully. “Ah! Too cold outside indeed!”

“If I agree to stay the night and let you both cuddle me, will you get off my back?” you ask, hands running through your hair in exhaustion.

“YES!” they both shout immediately, ushering you over to the couch with slightly-too-hard muzzle pushes.

You collapse on your back and they immediately scramble to position themselves on top of you, one pony slightly on either side. With a very slight grin, you reach up to scratch behind Luna’s ears, causing her to squee in delight.

A flash of magic later and both ponies suddenly have mistletoe tied to their horns. Celestia looks down at you knowingly, while Luna appears confused for a few moments before awareness dawns on her features and her expression morphs to match her sister’s.

You frown up at them as strongly as you can. “No. Absolutely not.”

“Come on dear, it’s Hearth’s Warming!” Celestia cajoles, moving her muzzle closer to your face.

“Tradition must be followed!” Luna declares authoritatively, trying her best to sound sagely.

You let out a hissing sigh. “Alright, fine.”

Their expressions light up immediately, but you jump on the opportunity to extinguish their joy. “But, cheeks only!”

Princess Luna sticks her tongue out at you. “Fine.” She moves forward and plants a warm kiss on your cheek, with her sister following soon after on the other side. You can feel their lips vibrating gently as they hum in satisfaction.

You sit motionless, staring up at the ceiling as the royal sisters wait several long seconds to end their kisses. They don’t even pull their muzzles away after they are finished, instead moving to nuzzle your cheek and neck softly as they snuggle in closer to you.

It was warmer snuggling with the princesses on the couch than it would have been on the walk back to the train station, and the overwhelming comfort soon has you nearing a peaceful slumber.

Celestia clears her throat, and your eyes crinkle in annoyance. When she clears her throat again, your eyes shoot open in annoyance.

“Can I help you?” you ask with a regrettable amount of sharpness to your tone.

“Don’t we get kisses too?” Celestia asks, frowning as if she was hurt.

Luna’s head rips upward to look at you, her eyes wide in a sudden realization. “Yes, indeed! Otherwise it is unfair to us!”

You close your eyes and let out an audible groan. “I should have just chose to freeze to death,” you lament, although you can’t keep the edges of a smile from creeping across your face.

Author's Notes:

I love this song except for the fact it's about some guy trying to defile some random woman who is just trying to be an upright person and go home to her family for Christmas, and also for that one line about 'what's in this drink' that makes me feel uncomfortable.
Otherwise it's catchy as heck tho

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