When the Going Gets Weird, the Pros Deal With It
Dan's Comments
DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc., Harry Dresden is the property of Jim Butcher, Carl Kolchak is the property of ABC/Universal Television, Ranma Saotome is the property of Rumiko Takahashi, Sailor Jupiter is the property of Naoko Takeuchi.

Twilight had faced monsters before, dragons and nightmares, she'd even been turned to stone. But the colt she was facing now left her with a fear beyond any she'd felt before. This colt, actually an alien ripped from another world by her mistake, had heard the cries of fear from Cheerilee's class and with his eleven companions rushed to the rescue. Payment for this heroic altruism was a severe beating by the Royal Guard out to 'subdue the monsters', and the near fatal wounding of one of his companions.

There was no hatred from the pegasus colt that showed. His expression was one of bored tolerance, but she felt the loathing radiating off him like storm surge before a hurricane. She was terrified of the reaction to her apologize and explanation. Not physical violence but the verbal and psychological reaction.

"This is what you have nightmares about?" Bruce asked as he walked through a wall and looked around the hospital setting, "Let's quit using metaphors, and get down to horseshoe nails."

He gestured and the colt was the human wizard, the unpresent wounded comrade was Makoto, and the details were the real interaction with the humans who had and were still, presumably, spearheading the anti-bronicorn invasion operation.

"What are you doing here?" Twilight demanded, "If this is a dream, how did you get in? Where is Princess Luna?"

"She's stretched a little thin," Bruce told her as he looked at the motionless figure overflowing the colt-sized bed. "Pinkie thought she was eating herself, Applejack poisoned half the country with a new cultivar of apples, Rainbow Dash turned into Scootaloo, a male Scootaloo, and Fluttershy . . . well, she caught the elf who was sending the nightmares to her, the Cutie Mark Crusaders and Rarity. Remind everyone not to hurt her friends and mock her about it. That mare has breath-taking anger management issues, practical experience in how brutal nature actually is, various physiologies and quite an imagination." Bruce shuddered at the memory.

"Oh, the elf they sent to give Spike nightmares? I don't think she was planning on meeting two dragons, or was it kaiju, is that Equestrian for dragon?" he said and waved his tentacles, "Anyway, I'm here to help you. First, you didn't bring us here, and whoever did clearly had this mission in mind, so you've got no reason to be guilty. Second, friendly fire, all of them have been shot at or shot by eventual allies so often that they take it in stride, except for me and you didn't hurt me or anyone I cared about at the time, so that's two down. Third, I'm wondering about the infantalizing of your victim, do you want to feel ever more guilt, is that what this scenario is about, or is there a maternal hurt/comfort dynamic, or a full blown Jocasta-complex that you feel sexually unfulfilled in your life and you must submit to an apparently weak male who secretly is powerful enough to dominate you? It is what I squeezed out of the elf, and no I'm not speaking figuratively. Fourth, odd that you'd check in on the man, and it would be the pair-bonded one rather than the loner sleeping under your roof, or the nonmagical type. Only want a magic-using male who has been `vetted` by a female you trust or trusted, and what, you plan to steal him away from one you hate? You'd need Applejack or Celestia's help there, `high maintenance-types` like you, Luna and Rarity are definitely off his list. Fifth, don't you ever stop talking, it's like I can't get a word in edgewise without a fromic drill, a sonic screwdriver and a note from mommy. Well, tea to be massacred, Vikings to be steeped, Pythons to be Montied, and elves to be introduced to the wonders of steel wool."

Twilight stared for quite some time at the empty space where Bruce and the colt had been. "I think I actually miss Discord," she said.
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The elf whimpered as Patrick approached him with a red stapler. "This can be done the easy way, or the hard way," he told the squirming elf who lay in distinct counterpoint in noise and activity to his colleague who stared open-mouthed at the sky. "I'd really prefer the hard way," Patrick said, "It is so much more fun."

The elf squealed in horror at the thought of those tiny bits of iron shoved into more sensitive parts of his anatomy. The dream-sorceress who brought them into the dream world of the ponies had been nailed upside down to the wall, and despite the apparent pain, the threat of bronze nails were preferable.

"We'll start simple, them move up to the tools you were going to use on those kids. But that'll take a while as they cool. I've remade them in cast iron and it just holds the heat, and I wouldn't want to burn you before I figure out how to strap you into those gizmos. How'd you get in, and how many of you are there in here?" Patrick asked, keeping his voice gentle and quiet, further terrifying the elf before him. "You know you'll tell me eventually. And unlike a human, you can't die in here. Give a human sufficient shock in a dream, and they die. You elves can't quite go that far. So I can take a lifetime to show you all the ways you can hurt, heal you back, and start all over again. I can take an eternity figuring out the best way to use the equipment you brought, and how to combine and contrast them."

The elf could smell the iron all around him, closing him in, threatening to crush him completely in a prison that would burn him away slowly, and knowing that this monster would not only do it, but enjoy every moment of it. Not because he was better, as an elf would, or establishing dominance over a lesser creature, or just for his amusement, as an elf would, but just because he didn't want to riddle the information out of an elf.

"The Queen would kill me for truth," he replied.

"It's good you understand that you'll live through this, no matter what I do, because I have so many things I want to try on a resisting subject," Patrick said, "So shall we begin?"
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Ranma could guess where he was supposed to be, but this Nightmare version of the Everfree looked more like a boss-fight from a cheap horror game knock off.

I'm glad Makoto could get Nightmare to send us here, Ranma thought as he drew the lightning bolt Makoto had `gifted` him and charged, Fifteen to one odds is no fair, unless you're me. He laughed as blades parted on parrying what amounted to a chunk of ball lightning.

Ranma jumped over the stunned elves and laid into the hell hounds that had coursed Luna and Celestia. Most only needed the shock of the lightning to retreat howling in fear. The human musicians accompanying the hunt were a nice choice as they struck up a martial tune, and the elves fell into the rhythm.

I'm never complaining about piano lessons again, Ranma thought as he struck on the downbeats while the elves acted on the upbeat, Where have I heard of all this before? Oh, yeah, Venus describing a fox hunt in England. They're doing the same thing, running the alicorns down, and then closing in. Ranma watched the last elf fall and looked around for the alicorns he'd been rescuing a few moments earlier.

"That what I hate about dreams," Ranma said and found himself on a beach full of bookshelves rather than the forest he'd been in, "Fighting in a dojo one second, walking across a pool of flaming jello juggling lobsters the next. How Kuno taught the jello to juggle I never could figure out."

Ranma heard the sounds of battle, and drew the .45 Patrick had insisted he carry in battle. It came out of the back holster as a Thompson SMG. He removed the huge drum magazine, and instead of bullets there were small, distorted cream pies. "Oh, this is going to be one of those dreams." He replaced the drum, checked the action and headed towards `the sound of the drums`. He spotted something on one of the bookshelves. "Oh, I always wanted to try that. I guess it is one of those dreams." He shouldered the heavy backpack off the shelf, put it on and continued where the sounds of battle led.
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Celestia watched the hunt approaching her and Luna. They'd been trying for the Castle of the Pony Sisters, but had been cut off at every turn.

"Why can't we fly?" Celestia asked as she examined the walls of the box canyon they'd been forced into, a canyon that existed nowhere in the Everfree.

Luna shook her head. "This nightmare is protected somehow," she said and staggered, "Viciously. If I had a bit of time, I could overcome the - what are you doing here?" Luna asked as Makoto began sinking swords in the ground across the mouth of the canyon. She would check that words graven in the swords were facing away from the two alicorns.

"Oh, performing my nefarious scheme," she told Luna, "And to ensure the ultimate culmination of my master plan!" She laughed a particularly grating and horrific laugh, accompanied by a crash of thunder.

Celestia had a bit of trouble holding back a giggle so the full effect of the joke could hit Luna.

"Which is!?" Luna approached and confronted Makoto, "Why do those swords say 'Front Towards Enemy'?"

"My plan is to return Celestia to the throne in triumph!" Makoto announced in a booming voice that echoed off the distant mountains, and she laughed again, and again a thunderclap accompanied it.

Luna stood mouth agape and staring into space. She shook herself and focused back on Makoto who'd finished the `picket fence` and was moving back towards Celestia. "Then why take her from the throne?"

"How is she supposed to return if I don't take her off first? And if I replace her, I have more control over what happens in the interim." Makoto turned to Celestia. "Was she dropped on her head as a child, er, foal?"

"No, she's just a very linear and direct thinker," Celestia said.

"Oh, she's a man," Makoto said, "That explains everything. Good doctor I can't see any scars."

"I'm a mare!" Luna insisted directly in Makoto's face and glared at the smirking Celestia.

"Yes, yes, personal pronouns are so important when someone is trying to overwhelm your realm and eat the citizenry," Makoto said and spoke out of the side of her mouth to Celestia, "I think her hormone balance needs looking into. My preferred pronoun is 'Your Imperial Highness'."

The hunt in their hundreds approached the steel fence and shied away from it. More appeared at the barrier as they spread out trying to outflank it.

Luna dropped the argument with Makoto to face the elves in their battle array.

"These long swords will not stop us," the lord of the hunt gestured at the fence.

"Oh, those aren't long swords," Makoto said as she pulled out a box with a key and a button on it, she turned the key, causing the button to glow. "They're claymores." She pushed the button.

When the smoke cleared, and the echoes died away, they were standing on a pleasant meadow with a few apple and pear trees in the distance.

"Better?" Makoto asked.

"Luna?" Celestia asked. Her sister concentrated and the meadow sprouted several patches of carrots and a picnic table.

"The influence is gone," Luna said and turned to confront Makoto, who was fading away.

"Tag, your it," Makoto said as she waved and vanished completely.

"The logic of dreams," Celestia said and shrugged, "It seems that we are going to survive another night." She sighed. "As much as I enjoy your company, our ponies are still under threat."

Luna nuzzled Celestia. "I wish I could trust them as you do," Luna said, "And stay here and leave them to do with these 'elves' whatever they wish."

"But you're afraid our ponies might see," Celestia said and nodded. A moment later she was alone and the welcoming meadow seemed little more than another empty place.