Therapy is just a simple world, so easy to say. However, it can elicit fear or hope from those that hear it. It is indeed just a word but it has a great meaning. For some, it is synonymous with help. For others, it means exposing themselves and be vulnerable to people they sometimes don't even know. Letting others know of your weaknesses is no easy task.

Especially when it concerns psychological therapy. Letting someone into the deepest depths of one's mind is scary, weird, and strange for a lot of people. Letting someone so close can be very dangerous and people fear it and rightfully so. There are many things to fear, and being vulnerable in front of others is one of the biggest fears that people have in one form or another. Specifics don't matter because the root is the same.

Sirius was one of the people who would never accept psychological therapy. He believed it would never be able to help him with anything, especially with dark things he kept hidden deep inside his head. How could strangers help him? He thought about it many times in his life and he still couldn't understand why other people underwent such a thing. While Iclyn accepted him after finding out what he hid, Luna seemed slightly hesitant, at least Sirius thought so. He tried to kill her twice and he was doubtful about her intentions. Why would she want to help him? He did nothing but cause her great pain. Why would she want to do anything good to him? He didn't do anything good to her.

He was standing on the balcony, staring at the dark skies. He had already discussed the matter with Iclyn, and she told him that it was worth the try. Trust his loved one, the former human could do nothing but wait for her scheduled arrival. He inhaled the chilly air deeply, pondering on the future.
Sirius was in reality once again, his darkness stepping back, allowing light to shine brighter. If the light continued to shine, what would he do? After all, he had to make a plan of some kind. But what would it be? He never really had a plan for his life. Since he no longer wanted to die, what would his plan for the living be? After all, he had decades ahead of him, and years that had already passed were extremely long.
Would he have foals? Would he make a family? What job would he have? More importantly, would Iclyn stay with him? He found himself inseparable from her, she became a big part of his life and he didn't want to let her go. He wanted to prove to her that she could stay with him and be happy, but how would he do it? He couldn't just force her to stay, it would be wrong, it would be absolutely horrible and even disgusting. He needed to figure something out before it was too late and he didn't know if he even had any options to begin with.

A realization struck him — he needed to get his special mark. He needed to discover his talent. Ponies had their marks, and so should he. But what was his talent? He fought well, and... that was probably all. During his previous life, he didn't find his calling. Fighting is all he could do and he knew nothing outside of it. Cooking? No. Gardening? No. Art? No. Engineering? No. Different options appeared inside his head and yet he could find nothing that he liked or was good at.

He frowned, his ears folding as he realized that he had no talent. How would he get a special mark if he was talentless? Would he need to rely on Iclyn completely? He wasn't alright with it, far from it. She had already gone through many things, she did it all just for him and yet he had nothing to give to her as a sign of appreciation. He loved her deeply but love isn't food nor water nor shelter. It was nothing more than an emotion, a special connection, it couldn't give anything else.
Sirius needed to come up with something to make her life better. He must do everything to make her happy, he had already made her go through bad things he didn't wish to happen to her. He wanted to go back in time and prevent all of this, prevent her from needlessly suffering because of his mistakes, his poor decisions, and his problems. She wanted to help him, true, but Sirius wanted her to have a happy life, and he believed that what he did to her didn't bring her any happiness. He was alive, she saved him, but did it matter when there were thousands, millions of ponies staying alive and being happy, much easier to love and care for than Sirius?

"Sirius?" he heard a voice behind him calling him. He turned around and saw Iclyn looking at him with worry. "Is... everything alright?" she asked slowly and quietly, and then added louder: "You've been here for around fifteen minutes already."

"I... I'm thinking about the future." he replied with uncertainty, not looking into the eyes of the pegasus. "I don't... know.. what..." he stopped, trying to figure out how to say it. "Just, um... us, together... living... All that stuff, you know?" he blushed in embarrassment.

"I'm sure we'll figure something out." Iclyn told him with a smile. "Princess Luna will be here in ten minutes or so. You ready?"

"...Not really." Sirius admitted. "I, uh... we've not been on, um, good terms." he stuttered. "A-at least I wasn't with her. I... I don't know what s-she thinks about me." he looked away. "I'm, um, not sure if, uh, I can talk with her..."

"I will be near you, don't worry." the filly walked up to him and nuzzled him, making him blush again. "I will be there. Now, let's walk outside, how about that?"

"I wouldn't mind." the former human replied quietly, nodding. The two disappeared into the mansion soon after, the door to the balcony closing behind them.

Princess Luna arrived on time and stood in front of the gates to the mansion. She was alone and she waited patiently. Sirius immediately noticed that something was wrong and hesitated to come to the gate. Why was she waiting? She was a princess, she could enter anywhere whenever she wanted, couldn't she? Something was wrong with her appearance, too. With some encouragement from Iclyn, the former human neared the gate. His steps were cautious, his eyes were on Luna, his muscles were tense. A limp in his gait reminded him of his weakness but he knew he could deal with it. Once he was close enough to the gate, he understood what was wrong — Luna wasn't wearing anything.

"Hello, Sirius." she greeted him, looking at him with a genuine smile. Inside her head, a thought appeared. She just wanted to help him, the same desire she had all that time ago when she and Sirius first met. "May I come in?"

Puzzled, Sirius took another look at her. Her chest wound was barely visible, the fur already started to grow on the scar, and he wasn't even sure if the scar was even there. Slowly, he approached the gate and started opening it, letting Luna in. Without the guards, without her royal attire, she seemed almost... powerless? He knew she was an alicorn, she had great abilities and years upon years of different experiences, but it was still strange seeing her like this.

Suddenly, memories came to him, hitting him like a speeding train, making him stop in his tracks. The ice, red-tinted with flowing hate. Himself, standing above a shape, pressing it down with furious, blazing rage as an ancient artifact supplied his strength and abilities with great power. His magic wrapped tightly around the dark-blue neck, squeezing it. The wheezing sounded, and then the cracks of ice as he bashed the skull of the other against the ice.

The air was gone from his lungs, his body started trembling. He bent down and then fell, his vision going blurry as images flashed in front of his eyes.

...once I murder you!

He remembered the aqua eyes, filled with fear and desperation. They disappeared under the surface of the cold water, bubbles of air rising, the shape resisting Sirius but he kept pushing down, his hatred not allowing him to back down.

...one of the most terrifying ways to die? Drowning!

He could hear voices calling for him but he didn't register them as he lay on the ground, curled up, hiding himself from the world, tears flowing freely from his eyes. He forced his eyes to open and he saw the face of his loved one looking at him with worry.

Why, Sirius?

Iclyn whispered something comforting to him but he could only hear a scared yell, asking him why he did what he did.

Then he understood it was his own voice.

Suddenly, it all stopped. The flood of memories ceased and he was left alone with silence in his ears and tears in his eyes. He let out a long breath as the surrounding sounds came back to him. His own heart, beating fast. His breath. The wind scattering leaves. Distant thunder rolling across the land. And words.

"Sirius?" Iclyn called to him again, her voice quiet and filled with fear and worry.

The former human stood up slowly, not saying a word. Staring into nothing, his mind blank, he breathed. He didn't know why he breathed but he did. He felt something in his chest, and it was pain. He looked down and saw his scar, barely noticeable but still there. Long, straight, clean.

Iclyn approached him from the side and used one of her wings to guide him. Whispering comforting things, she helped him reach the mansion. Luna followed behind, uncertainty in her steps. She came to help, she knew something needed to be done but things were bad. She no longer knew what she should even expect from him at this point. Things were getting worse and worse, it seemed.
She knew what Sirius had just experienced — it was a panic attack. Senses would come back to him soon but she was the one who triggered his response.

Princess Luna knew that he had doubts about her. She remembered he fought her, and the outcome could've resulted in one of them dying if not for Iclyn's help. The princess saw fear in the eyes of Sirius as he fell to the ground in his blind panic, and then he yelled. He asked himself why he was doing what he was doing, and Luna knew what he was referring to.

Their duel. She saw that he deeply regretted it, and he feared her because he did horrible things to her. She remembered his exact words, his promises to kill her and then violate her body in worse ways she didn't want to think about.

But then she remembered that day at the hospital when Sirius was finally brought back from his coma and sliding into insanity. The look in his eyes, confusion, fear, regret, and innocence. Even after everything he had been through, Sirius truly didn't wish to harm anyone. He just wanted to have a nice, peaceful life. He knew what was right and what was wrong but he couldn't follow the right path because of those bad things that happened to them.

From violence, violence sprouts. Luna knew it very well, and she thought that if Sirius were born in another, better place, he would be much better. He would probably be a son Luna would be proud to have. He protected those he cared about, he fought for what was right. With proper guidance, help, and support, he would bloom.

However, it couldn't happen. Past couldn't be changed, and fixing things it caused would be hard.

Inside the mansion, Sirius was cleaned from the dust and dirt he collected when he fell, and then senses started coming back to him. He realized where he was and what he needed to do. But would he be able to? Would he overcome his fears and anxieties and face his past again? He didn't want to do it but he knew he couldn't evade it forever.

He must do it.

Author's Notes:

This chapter is a bit shorter, unfortunately. I will try to make up for it in the next chapter.

I can now relate to Sirius even more because I tried to kill myself. Obviously, it didn't work. It was extremely painful instead. Nothing really changed for me, though. Recovered by myself and now I only regret that I didn't die. No permanent damage was done to me, at least not that I know of. Electricity jolt fixed my cramped back muscles, though. As one of my friends told me, "silver linings, huh?"

Sometimes, I hope that suicide brings me to Equestria where someone will tend to me, help me and make me better. My hope for the current place expired long ago.

____________________
Looking back at it a few months later. I don't think my opinion changed much. I just became... somewhat calmer? It's hard to keep track of myself in situations like this.

I still hope for love but... I don't know. And the dream about going to Equestria... it's pretty dumb and escapist in nature, I have to admit. Escapism is dangerous, but I don't really have much else. I suppose I just need a dream, a wish of sorts, no matter how ridiculous it may sound or how impossible it is to achieve. After all, not everyone gets good things, and some people are very unfortunate. This world is still pretty much a hellhole of varying degrees of shit.

You may say that I should go fuck myself because I'm not starving in Africa or something, but each problem is a problem. What I have is a mental issue, I realize it. However, I can still reason within a certain range of... whatever scale you can use to measure reasoning ability.

You may ask why I still haven't killed myself. Well, it's scary. I want to die for certain and at the same time, I don't want to die. Self-preservation instinct is a strong thing. And, well, shotguns aren't exactly readily available where I am.

Anyway, "I want to be in the world of colorful small horses in a cartoon made for little kids" does sound pretty damn stupid but you know... It's probably not the worst thing to wish for. Not in the context of what I write, at least.

No idea why I'm explaining it here but maybe you're interested in my thoughts.