It is well-known that loneliness drives people to insanity. But why? Why is it that we can't live without someone else to be by our side? Why is it so difficult to be alone?

Because we are imperfect. We have our good sides and our bad sides. When we have someone, they compensate for what we lack. When we choose someone to be with us, we do it because we want to be whole, but no one can be whole alone.

When one is alone, they think of themselves. Memories long buried return, emotions bottled up unleashed, and what was forgotten is remembered again. All the good they did in their life goes beneath what was done wrong. They begin to think of ways they could fix themselves, travel to the past and change it, become omnipotent to bring the change by themselves, but they never realize that they aren't and can't be perfect. They can't realize that they will never be able to fix everything. They have to live with what they've done, but it's their choice to accept it or feel guilty for the rest of their lives.

That loneliness, that feeling of emptiness, being hollow and feeling worthless, these feelings are what drives people to insanity. When they have no one but themselves, they can't break the circle of constant self-loathing and sadness, they can't accept their wrongs and live on. They way try to bury it, but deep down they know they can never do it.

Loneliness kills more efficiently than anything else.

Sirius found himself in a void of black. No sounds, no feelings, no chains, no binds. And yet, he knew he was trapped. Deep down beneath the sea of memories, in the darkest corners of his own mind, locked behind the sturdiest of doors, drowned in his own guilt and self-loathing. Self-hate and everything that comes with it was all that he could feel.

Alone.

He breathed lightly, looking around but seeing nothing. Absolutely nothing, not even himself. He was there, he existed in some way or form, but at the same time he wasn't and didn't. He couldn't understand what was happening to him either. Everything before that very moment seemed like a blur, a haze. A mix of voices, images, sounds, screams, yells, flashes of color.

And yet, it was all black. Lifeless, plain. Empty.

Suddenly, a figure appeared right in front of him, just out of his reach. He was frozen in place, his eyes looking at the figure in shock and surprise. His eyes widened as he took in what was happening.

"D-dad?" Sirius whispered, not believing his vision. He blinked as if it could make the figure go away.

"I'm disappointed in you, son." Andrey replied, his quiet and yet powerful voice pushing the former human back. "Your mother and I loved you... Is it what you have become?"

"I... I..." Sirius tried to say something but couldn't. He wished he knew what to say but he couldn't possibly know how to make his father proud of him again. He knew it was too late.

"Why have you abandoned your way?" another voice appeared, speaking to him. His eyes turned and saw his mother. Her eyes were glistening with tears, her white hair hiding her pale skin. "It's not who you are."

"I'm... I'm not..." the former human looked down, unable to bear the sight of his parents. He knew they were long gone, and yet it didn't hurt less as time passed. He still wished they were there for him, and he was there for them. And yet, there was nothing he could do to bring them back, nothing he could do to change the past and prevent their deaths. There was absolutely nothing he could've done to prevent both their deaths.

And yet, it didn't hurt less to know it. In fact, it hurt much more, knowing that no matter what he did, no matter how strong and smart he was, he could've not done a thing to change the past or prevent it from happening. He could do anything and everything and yet it would all be in vain in the end.

"We loved you, Stas." Nadezhda said, her voice trembling slightly. "With all our hearts we did. We never knew what happened to you, why didn't you tell us? Why didn't you tell us about what you felt for Nastya?"

"It didn't matter!" Sirius yelled, his aggression rising like it always did in such situations. "She... she deserves more, I could never be good enough for her! She is... she was everything good there was, and..." he sighed shakily, and then paused for a few seconds. "You... you never knew I killed, and... I knew you would never forgive me!"

"We would." Andrey said, raising his hand slightly but not reaching out to his son. "We would forgive you, we would try to help you."

"I am a monster!" the former humans couldn't contain his tears as they streamed from his eyes, rolling down his cheeks and dropping into the void. His face was twisted into a half-angry, half-sad expression. He bared his teeth, and yet his eyes betrayed his true thoughts. "I... I am a terrible person. I did... I did something I mustn't have." he inhaled sharply and then blinked, trying to make the tears go away. "I enjoy pain of others! Is it... is it not enough to make me a monster?"

"It's not your fault." the third voice appeared. Sirius turned his head and faced Anastasia. "You were taught how to hate."

"I d-did bad things e-even t-to y-you!" the former human replied loudly, painful sobs shaking his speech. "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I... I wish I could f-fix all of this, I t-truly do! Really, I do! I don't w-want any of you t-to suffer! You... you are g-good people..."

He let out a loud cry of pain as he collapsed. From down on the ground, he looked up at those three people standing in front of him. Their eyes were looking at him with pity and sadness, which made him wail in pain even more. Excruciating emotional pain was all he could feel, and it was exactly like someone was squeezing his heart, trying to rip it out of his chest.

"P-punish me, please..." he muttered, looking down. "Punish me! Punish me! Punish me!" he repeated, his whole body shaking and his voice growing louder. "Punish me!"

He sobbed and sobbed, unable to stop himself. His eyes shifted from one person to another, darted between them, but he was never able to look them in the eyes.

"N-Nastya... Why are you here?" he asked his former love. "You... You didn't die. You were still alive! You are still alive... aren't you?" his pupils shrunk as a thought appeared in his head. "No... No... No, no, no!" he looked up at her, and then tried to get up. However, something kept him down. "I didn't want it! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry! I didn't know, I didn't! You... you killed yourself because of me..."

"Sirius, please." a fourth voice appeared, striking the former human.

"No, not you too!" he cried loudly. "It's all my fault! I... I shouldn't have done what I did! I'm so sorry!" he said as he shook, shedding tears of pain and suffering, but the image of his two love interests was clear as day even through the blur of salty water. "You don't deserve this! Not you, Nastya, and not you, Iclyn! Both of you deserve better! I'm sorry! I... I was never worthy to be with any of you!"

He just sobbed and sobbed, muttering nonsense as the four people looked at him with pity and immeasurable sadness. He lied in the void, drowning in his own painful, stinging tears of misery.

"P-punish me, please!" he prayed. "Just... do it! I deserve every moment of pain! I deserve to suffer for what I did! Do it... make me feel the pain!" he begged. "Please! Torture me, please! Death... I don't deserve death! I deserve to suffer forever! Just... do it, please! I am a monster, an abomination!"

Locked in his own mind, killed by his own immense guilt, he remained, hoping for punishment and torture.

Suddenly, someone else appeared. A few wet steps sounded, getting close to Sirius. He stopped sobbing, his ears swiveling in the direction of the noise. His whole body continued to shake violently, tears rolling down his cheeks.

He caught his breath when he saw who was before him. His eyes widened but he couldn't utter a word or a scream as his maw opened and closed, not making a sound.

Stanislav stood before him. Grown up, eighteen years of age. One could say, he was of age when life truly began. However, he did not look quite like it. Drenched in water, completely nude he stood before Sirius, his mouth closed, his voice silent. Not that he could even speak, and Sirius knew it well. The irises and pupils of Stanislav were purely black, looking at Sirius unblinkingly. Like a rose in the snow, a giant hole was in his chest, blood leaking out of it and streaming down his pale body.

The two looked at each-other silently and without the slightest movement. Slowly, the figures disappeared one by one, fading into the black and leaving not a trace. First was Sirius' father. Mother went soon. Anastasia faded away, and Iclyn disappeared quickly after, leaving the two alone.

Sirius and Stanislav. One and the same.

Him with himself.

Author's Notes:

A rather small chapter to describe Sirius' inner state. What do you think?