Author's Notes:

Sorry this took so long, and the length. I promise I am trying to cut down on the word count. Like the interlude chapters, these can be taking place before, or in between chapters. They aren't necessary to read, but I do recommend doing reading them for lore and character development. Thanks for reading, comments are appreciated, enjoy!

They had walked to her office in silence, though it wasn’t really an awkward one. They had passed a couple of people on the way there, prompting Pinkamena to put up her hood and attempt to avoid anyone noticing who she was, she didn’t have the time nor the want to deal with people at the moment.

Most didn’t stop or slow down, but Starlight responded to most of them. Usually something along the lines of ‘Hi’ or ‘I’ve been fine’, mostly one sentence responses. It seemed Starlight was a fairly sociable person, and she likely knew most people here in vivid detail. That mixed with her vibrant personality made it obvious why people would want to be friends and talk to her; it really reminded her of how she used to be.

Even so, Pinkamena wasn’t oblivious to the lustful way most of the men seemed to check her out as they talked to her, nor the clear salacious tone in their voice. She could admit Starlight was fairly above average in terms of attractiveness, but she didn’t like it when people let there libido affect their interactions and relationships with others.

Even so, Pinkamena couldn’t help but notice the way she behaved. She seemed to walk with a sway to her hips, which seemed seductive, hypnotic almost. Her hands stayed to her sides just barely below her, a wide welcoming smile plastered on her face. Pinkamena knew smiles, and this one didn’t seem fake.

It was...enticing. But she wasn’t sure why. Could it be because it reminded her of who she used to be? Or maybe it was because when she became a chimera, it heightened all of her senses and impulses, even her sexual ones. She never had problems controlling her more sexual desires before, nor had it ever been this strong before. It was also possible that she could just be seeing Starlight as someone she could have a romantic relationship with, actual romance was something she had struggled with most of her life. The last person she had any sort of romantic feelings for was Rainbow Dash, and that was a very complicated situation.

Then again, it could also just be The Whispers forcing things on her and seeing how she reacts as some sort of test, that was always a possibility with them.

It took what felt like an hour of them walking to Starlight’s office, but what was really only roughly ten minutes. When they finally got to the end of a hallway, Pinkamena looked behind her to make sure there was no one else. She gave a quiet, relieved sigh when she saw there wasn’t. Pulling her hoodie back and letting her long pink hair fall out.

The door to her office looked like it was made out of the same kind of wood most of the places here had been, though the color of it was a lot brighter than most. It was a cream white and had no symbols or anything on it like Igneous’ door; it looked like a completely plain door. Which is what made it odd, due to it looking so different compared to the rest of the place, it just seemed so...strangely ordinary.

Starlight pulled a keychain out of a pocket in her jeans, which had a handful of keys on it, and something else dangling off of it. It was one of the Funko Pop keychains she often saw in stores; this one seemed to be some kind of dragon. It was connected to the key chain itself by small red scales on top of its head, most of its head being a light gray with wide, beady black eyes and a row of small, sharp white teeth that could just barely be seen. It had its wings spread to the side in an almost intimidating way, the rest of its body being black except for the inside of its wings, which were a crimson red.

It was kind of cute, but Pinkamena couldn’t shake the feeling that she’d seen it before. Perhaps from some TV show?

As Starlight fumbled through her keychain looking for the key that opened her office, she turned her head slightly to the left to look at Pinkamena, the smile on her face changing to a unapproving frown.

“I noticed you didn’t try to talk to me or anyone else on the way here, almost looked like you were hiding from them, actually. I’m just pointing it out because before you were taken to the woods, you weren’t so…” There were a few moments of silence as Starlight tried to think of the proper word, “antisocial. What happened?”

Pinkamena let out a light chuckle, though something about it sounded hollow. “Are we starting already? Figured we’d at least get into your office first.”

“That wasn’t...what is it with you Pies and enjoying making things difficult? Igneous made it difficult for anyone to really get to know him with his immense trust issues, Maud is almost impossible to read, and your emotional defense mechanism whenever someone asks you something about yourself is to deflect it.” Starlight mumbled to herself as she put one of the keys into the door, turning her gaze away from Pinkamena.

She quickly opened the door and put the keys back in her pocket, walking in and leaving the door open for Pinkamena.

Pinkamena, on the other hand, had been standing behind her thinking on her words. Did she really...deflect everything? She hadn’t really thought about it before, then again, there hasn’t been a lot of people actually trying to get to know her recently except for Starlight. But what about before all this? When her friends ever tried to get to know her? They rarely tried to get to know her, but when they did, she mostly remembered giving silly answers not meant to be taken seriously, or she’d try to direct the attention of the group to something else and hope they didn’t ask. She had originally blamed it on her childlike personality, but thinking back on it now with some clarity…

Had she been deflecting back then too, even to her close friends? Maybe she wasn’t as mentally stable before all this as much as she convinced herself she was.

Pinkamena shook herself out of thought, what was she doing thinking about this to herself when her therapist was in the room in front of her?

She walked into Starlight’s office, closing the door behind her as she did.

And then stood there in slight confusion, the appearance of the room catching her off guard.

When she used to go to therapy, the room of the therapist she had was very stereotypical and never changed. Dark brown walls, a window to the outside behind the desk, a bookcase with various books, a box filled with various toys for children patients, and two chairs. One behind the desk for the therapist, and one for her.

This was very different from that.

The thing that first caught her attention was the color of the walls, and the fact they were different colors. It was about the same size of Igneous’, though she couldn’t be too sure because she wasn’t in there for long, and it was dark. It had about four walls, and they were each a different color. The one in front of her was blue, the one to her left was red, the one behind her was yellow, and the one to her right was green. There weren’t any other colors on any of the walls, nor were there any patterns. They were simply just that color, but something about them just made her feel...calm. Like they were having some kind of psychological effect on her, she didn’t like it, she got enough of that from The Whispers.

Her desk was a normal wooden one, the only thing that really stuck out was a laptop sitting on it, half a dozen stickers on the back of it. The biggest sticker being of a blue police box that took half the size of the back of the laptop, the rest of the stickers were much smaller, and were too far for her to see.

She could tell, however, that there were three other things on the desk. A metronome, which was currently on and was making a constant ticking noise as the needle went left and right. A drinking bird that was sitting in front of a glass of water, making a quiet dipping sound every few seconds when its beak hit the water. The last thing on the desk was a lava lamp, which was changing colors every now and again, illuminating a few feet around it, though not very much since it was only slightly bigger than the drinking bird. And the light it illuminated was barely noticed, since the main source of light in the room was a lightbulb dangling from the ceiling. Somehow it made the entire room brighter, a lot more than a normal lightbulb would. There was no window behind this desk either, which made sense considering where they were.

There was a bookcase in this room filled with various books, though that was the only thing in the room that wasn’t weird. There weren’t even any chairs in the room. Instead, there were two large, black bean bags, more than big enough for one person to sit in, but not so big that they took up too much of the room. They were both in front of the desk, one with its back turned to the desk, and the other facing it, sitting across from each other. They had a few feet of space between them, but whoever would sit down would be facing the other. She guessed that Starlight sat in one and she sat in the other, and that’s where they started. She had sat in bean bags before so she knew how comfortable they were, but it was still kind of strange to see them here.

Starlight had walked behind her desk and was looking down at her computer, bending down towards it as she began to type on it. She glanced up at Pinkamena, noticing that she was looking around the room confusedly, and she couldn’t help but smile a little bit.

“Probably nothing like the place you went to before for therapy, right? Yeah, I find those places really boring and stuffy. They might get the job done, but I feel like they’re not as efficient as they could be. Fancy Pants gave me a fair budget, and Discord pretty much told me to do whatever I liked, so I did. It worked with Igneous, and there have been a few complaints about the colors, but after getting used to them, most people have said they had a sort of calming effect.”

As Starlight said this, she continued to type rapidly on the keyboard, though it was hard for Pinkamena to tell exactly what she was doing. “Go ahead and sit down, we’ll start in a bit. I just need to…” There was then an almost cartoon like explosion noise that came from the laptop as she said that, causing a frustrated scowl to appear as she focused on the computer. “Deal with something.” She mumbled as she began typing faster, seeming to do so more aggressively than before.

Pinkamena was slightly curious at what she was doing, but decided not to focus on it. She moved forward and sat down in the bean bag facing the desk, slowly sinking into it as the bean bag sank where she sat. And just like she thought, it was very comfortable. She let out a sigh as she felt her body relax, most of the tension she hadn’t realized she was holding onto left. Now that she thought about it, she hadn’t actually had a lot of opportunities to relax, probably why she hadn’t gotten any real sleep in the past two days or so.

“There! Yes, that was a close win. I’m surprised anyone skilled still plays Territory War, I do like the challenge though.” Starlight said triumphantly with a smirk on her face, standing up with arms in the air as she did.

Then she looked down at Pinkamena and noticed the way she was looking at her, and slowly lowered her arms with a sheepish smile and slightly awkward giggling. “Sorry, I get uh...pretty excited when I win, even if it’s just a small victory. Anyway, let’s get started.” Starlight mumbled as she pressed the power button on the laptop, shutting the lid to it and walking around the desk.

“You now have my full attention. Unless something urgent comes up, it’ll be just you and me for the next thirty minutes or so.” As she said this, she pulled out her journal from her vest pocket, plopping herself down into the bean bag beside her. She picked up the pencil she had put in it before and held it in her mouth, and then began to flip through the pages until she got to a clear one.

When she did, she looked up at Pinkamena curiously. Though she wasn’t looking at Pinkamena, she seemed to be looking at her chest in nothing more than innocent curiosity. “Before we begin, I wanted to ask, why the hoodie?” She asked as she pulled the pencil out of her mouth, looking back down at the paper she flipped to and began to write in it.

Pinkamena looked down at her hoodie, searching for anything that might have been wrong with it. When she didn’t find anything, she looked back up at Starlight, her right eyebrow raised in confusion. “What do you mean? Does it look bad or something?”

Starlight waved her other hand dismissively, though she didn’t take her eyes off the book or stop writing. “No, that’s not what I meant. I mean, why are you wearing it with everything right now? Discord gave me those set of clothes when you were put in the bed and told me to put them on you, and I just wanted to mention that I…” She stopped writing for a second, a light blush coming onto her face. “When I changed your clothes, I didn’t go past your shirt, so you’re wearing the same underwear as before, I hope you don’t mind.”

Pinkamena remained silent, giving her a blank look in response. She didn’t really mind, per se, the entire month with Blake kind of took away her sense of sexual shame. It just felt...familiar for Starlight to be caring so much about her privacy, something no one had done as of late. And this time, it felt genuine.

“Anyhow, I just didn’t understand why you chose the clothes that you did.” She continued as she simultaneously began writing again, the blush from before being gone. “ The white T-shirt with a leather jacket I can sort of understand, as the leader of The Syndicate, you may feel it necessary to keep an intimidating appearance. But you both don’t seem like the kind of person that really cares about what other people think of your appearance, and that would be cancelled out by the hoodie you’re wearing. So why the hoodie? I just feel its excessive.”

Pinkamena thought on her words, though she hadn’t really given much thought to it. She just wanted to after waking up, initially playing it off as wanting to hide her most of her body so no one would recognize her when she was doing stuff for The Syndicate, but was there another reason?

“I don’t know, I just kind of...do. Do you think there’s some reason behind it?” Pinkamena asked with a shrug.

“Well, I have a theory or two, but it really is just conjecture. It's become almost second nature for me to think of any psychological reason behind things, even the smallest of actions. Sometimes they’re right, sometimes I’m just bored and look too deep into things. Do you want to hear it?” Starlight asked as she stopped writing, placing her pencil in the center of the journal and the journal on her lap, crossing her arms and looking at Pinkamena expectantly.

Pinkamena hesitantly nodded her head, she was both curious and worried.

There were a few moments of silence, Starlight keeping eye contact with Pinkamena as she seemed to be thinking about something. Then she glanced away, looking back down at her journal. “I’m...aware of the way Blake does his ‘work’, as he calls it. I despise the methods, but I don’t have the influence to do anything about it, nor can I deny the results. But he worked on you longer than he had anyone before, and when it comes to girls, he always makes them stay naked while he does. If they’re lucky enough to live through it, or unlucky I should say. They usually had very bad PTSD, especially whenever they were naked. It reminded them of when he’d have them strapped to that table, naked and treated them like his personal playthings instead of human beings, covering them with scars. It got so bad that most of them would go for days without showering, a handful of them ended up killing themselves despite my best efforts. But you…”

Starlight’s lips lowered into a frown, her eyes wondering down her body, as if she were searching for something. Then her eyes came back to Pinkamena’s, a plaintive look in her eyes.

Pinkamena knew that look, it was pity.

“You can’t kill yourself, The Whispers won’t let you. The previous host of The Whispers have all died by suicide, yes. But not the way you might think. What Discord didn’t tell you, was how they died. Soon after becoming host, they all became very aggressive. Prone to violence, fighting even if they’re immensely outmatched, extremely reckless behavior, got fatally injured numerous times, any of this sound familiar to you?”

Pinkamena didn’t respond, she decided to remain silent.

“They consistently put themselves into extremely dangerous situations without a single care for themselves, and it eventually killed them. I hope the same doesn’t happen to you, but you’re showing signs, and I’m going to do my best to help you.” Starlight cooed in a comforting tone, leaning forward and placing her hand on top of Pinkamena’s.

Pinkamena inhaled sharply and tensed up when their hands touched, not expecting the sudden touch. Her hand was warm and soft, it felt so different from her own. She couldn’t remember the last time someone touched her without the intention of killing her, or at least doing terrible things. Even before all this, anytime someone really touched her was usually when she was having hookups with boys. Inkie and Blinkie had given her hugs and such, but there was nothing else like that after they left. Maud wasn’t exactly someone who usually touched others, and when Rainbow started getting touchy, it never felt pure. She didn’t mind it, but it wasn’t like this. This felt genuine, like it was solely for the purpose of comforting her and showing her that this person cared.

She didn’t realize until now how much she missed it.

Starlight leaned back in her bean bag chair, pulling her hand off of Pinkamena’s and laying it on her journal. “Sorry if the sudden physical contact made you uncomfortable, it can sometimes help people trust me.”

“It’s fine, I just…” Pinkamena shifted around in the bean bag, trying to get her composure back. “Wasn’t expecting it. Can we just get back to the hoodie?”

“Oh, yes, we kind of got off topic. Anyway, about the hoodie.” Starlight said with a grunt, trying to clear her throat. “Those women felt extremely vulnerable on that table, so whenever they were naked, they felt that same vulnerability and weakness. I believe you’re compensating for that by wearing a lot of clothing, because the less clothes you’re wearing, the more vulnerable you feel.”

Pinkamena looked down at her clothing, pondering Starlight’s words. Had she really felt vulnerable when she was naked? The only person she had taken her clothes off in front of was The Whispers, but they didn’t really count. She was sure she didn’t let Blake get to her like that, she was stronger than that, wasn’t she?

“So, you’re saying if I take off this hoodie, I’ll start to feel more vulnerable.”

“If my theory is correct, yes.”

“Then why did I take it off during my fight with Michael?”

Starlight made a disgruntled face as Pinkamena asked that, as if the question she asked made her upset.

“See, that’s why I said it was just conjecture, there are some parts of it I haven’t worked out yet. But, when you took it off, I think that some part of you wanted to be vulnerable. You wanted to get hurt, killed, maybe. Because you saw Michael as someone who not only was capable of killing you, but had proper justification to do so. By taking off your hoodie, you let a part of yourself go.”

“So, then to get past this, shouldn’t I work on wearing less clothing?” Pinkamena asked curiously.

“Well, yeah, but.” Starlight mumbled as she picked up the pencil in her right hand, beginning to twirl it in between her fingers as she talked. “That’s only if my theory is correct, and if you’re willing to give that a try. It might not work, but I-”

Starlight’s word caught in her throat as she saw Pinkamena already beginning to take off her hoodie, even the twirling of the pencil in her hand stopped. Pinkamena had grabbed her hoodie by the bottom, pulling it up over her head along with her shirt.

After being in the woods for a month, her body was in quite good condition. Then Blake and Discord happened, and she was in a coma for a week and has barely been taking care of herself. Even so, her body was still quite toned. There was almost no fat on her body, her entire torso being rather slender, almost toned enough to see her abs. Her pink skin was clear, not a single blemish, scar, or out of place hair. There were some noticeable muscles too, despite her not having actually exercised in a while, her body had still kept most of them.

All of this likely would have been thanks to her being a Chimera, sometimes Starlight found herself a bit jealous. Flawless skin, can heal from any injury, along with super strength? She had to work out every day and keep a rather strict diet just to keep her body the way she did, while they did it as easily as they breathed.

As Pinkamena lifted off her hoodie, revealing the white t-shirt and black leather jacket, Starlight’s attention focused on her chest. Specifically, the necklace. It still hung from her neck, tucked down her shirt in between what Starlight now knew was her pink bra. She could only see the chain part of the necklace, but she still remembered how the heart of the necklace looked. She could tell it was the kind of necklace that opened up and something was kept inside, usually pictures. She was very curious about what.

Pinkamena pulled the hoodie over her head, her hair coming down and covering her face as it did. She laid the hoodie on the ground beside the bean bag, then brought her hands to her face and moved her hair behind her ear and out of her face. She then lowered her gaze to her clothes, adjusting her T-shirt and leather jacket.

Starlight looked up from Pinkamena’s chest to her face, looking for any signs of distress. “How do you feel?”

After adjusting her clothes, she leaned back into the bean bag, reestablishing eye contact with Starlight.

“Well, after taking it off, I did get a strong urge to immediately put it back on. I’ve gotten used to it and felt comfortable in it, It made it easier for me to relax. And I...do feel more vulnerable right now, but I’m not sure if it’s because I’m wearing less clothing, or because you’re right. I feel slightly afraid, and I know it would be difficult for me to start taking off more. But…”

Pinkamena glanced down at her stomach, having a brief flashback to being tied up and naked on Blake’s table, cutting up her body in ways she couldn’t have even thought of.

She wasn’t even sure when she closed her eyes, she didn’t realize she did until there was just darkness. She almost felt like how she did back then, restrained against a table in the dark. More often than not, he’d have her blindfolded or just kept in the dark, she was never sure why. But closing her eyes, she could almost feel the pain from the deep cuts in her body. The hot breath on her ear as he whispered what he was going to do to her, his hands exploring her body in any way he wanted, the dry taste of that wooden mouthpiece as she bit down on it as hard as she could whenever he hurt her in however he felt like. She could almost...feel him inside her, a habit he made sure to do every day before they’d get started on whatever he felt like doing to her that day.

She could feel her hands begin to shake and her breathing become erratic, a feeling of panic and fear rising up inside of her as her heart beat rapidly in her chest. She knew if she tried to talk she wouldn’t be able to stop herself from sobbing, she was barely able to keep control of herself now.

Before her emotions took her over and she broke down, The Whispers once again filled her heart with ice and numbed her emotions. She wasn’t even sure at this point whether they were doing this for her own good, or just doing it indiscriminately.

Soon, the fear she felt rising in her was gone, overshadowed by the numbing feeling she was getting so used to. She deeply inhaled as her hands stopped shaking, her breathing stabilizing along with her heartbeat. She let out a deep sigh as she opened her eyes.

She wasn’t in Blake’s torture room, she would never be in there again. She was in Starlight’s office, sitting in a bean bag chair with a woman who just wants to help her.

“I...feel like I can trust you, even if it’s hard for me to trust anyone at this point.” Pinkamena mumbled hesitantly, just loud enough for Starlight to here.

Starlight fumbled with the pencil in her hand nervously, looking at Pinkamena with pursed lips in evident concern. “Are you sure you’re okay? You looked a bit...shaken up there for a second.” Starlight asked as she looked at Pinkamena’s left hand, noticing how tightly she was gripping the bean bag.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just…” Pinkamena let go of the bean bag, not realizing how tight her grip on it still was. “Can we get started? I...kind of need a bit of a distraction.”

“Well, sure. But, I’m not sure if it’s the kind of distraction you’re wanting.”

Starlight stopped twirling the pencil and put the pencil to the journal, turning her attention to the book. “Now, first thing I’d like to know is how being a Chimera has affected you?”

Pinkamena looked at her with a confused expression, not expecting that to be the first thing she asks about. “Why that? I figured you’d ask me something like what my childhood was like? I thought most therapists start with the past to see the root of most problems?”

“Is that how you’re last therapist did things?” Starlight asked as she looked up at Pinkamena for a response.

Pinkamena nodded in response, causing Starlight to shake her head disapprovingly.

“That’s a strategy that only therapists who don’t know what they’re doing use. You don’t start off looking into their childhood, because then you don’t know what problems you’re looking for the causes of exactly. No, I find it much more productive to find out everything I can about my patients in the present. That way, it’s a lot easier for me to find the root of some problems in their childhood if I’m more aware of what I should be looking for.”

As soon as she said that, she began writing in her journal again, though she didn’t seem to have any issues writing without actually looking at the book, as she kept her gaze on Pinkamena. “So, what’s it like being a Chimera? I’m sure you’ve realized this by now, but you’re more like a pseudo-animal trying to be human. Honestly, you’re likely a lot more animal than human. I’d imagine you’d feel like you’re vastly different than everyone else, or that it would be hard for people to understand you.”

While what Starlight said may have been partly true, she was wrong about her being different than anyone else.

“It wasn’t actually a hard adjustment for me, funnily enough. I know that The Syndicate is aware of magic in the world, and they are aware of everything that happened at Canterlot. I won’t bother asking why they didn’t intervene, I doubt I’d get an answer. But I’m sure I don’t have to explain the whole ‘pony up’ thing, you know, sprouting horse ears and a tail from my body from magical means?”

“Yes, I…” Starlight stopped writing for a second, letting out a quiet chuckle as she remembered something. “Discord had never seen anything like that, and he had been showing an interest in magic related things. So when he saw what happened, he had a rather...unique response.”

Considering that Discord was a man of science and had been focusing on the best ways to make human animal hybrid, it made sense he’d freak out

“But you didn’t freak out?” Pinkamena asked curiously, leaning forward a little bit as she tried to see what Starlight was writing in the book.

Starlight shook her head. “No, not really. I have a much more open mind when it comes to most things, plus I’ve always kind of believed in magic, nothing it could do would surprise me honestly. Back to the subject, it isn’t exactly being a human animal hybrid I was alluding to.”

Starlight leaned back in her bean bag, looking at Pinkamena with a more serious look as the smile faded away. “I’m talking about the bloodlust. The desire to kill people, to feed on human flesh. That’s the part I’m really concerned about.”

Pinkamena felt herself tense up, not expecting the sudden tone change.

“I...haven’t really thought about it.”

“Haven’t thought about it? What, do you not have a consciousness? I get steeling yourself to kill Igneous while you were in those woods, from your perspective, you had every reason to want to kill him. But the rest? You killed a little over two dozen people and I know they beat and raped you, so justifying it as self defence is viable. Even so...taking a life, under any circumstances can be a huge weight on someone. You’re telling me you just...haven’t thought about it?”

“I...I just haven’t..” Pinkamena began to stutter, finding it difficult to form a proper response. “I had to kill them, I didn’t hav-”

“You did have a choice. I know it might not have seemed like it in the moment, but you could have just incapacitated them, you were surely strong enough to, but that can be played off as in the moment. The other stuff though,” Starlight bit her lip, looking down at her journal as she stopped eye contact. “Eating them, maiming their bodies, throwing parts of their bodies at Igneous and the others...that’s a lot harder to justify. Igneous struggled a bit with it, sure. But you...you either have almost no self control, or your bloodlust is a lot stronger than his was. I’m not sure which one of those scares me more.”

Any rebuttal Pinkamena had got stuck in her throat, she was unable to deny the truth in Starlight’s words. Starlight lowered her gaze to the book, her writing becoming more frequent.

She began to think back on the test, as much as she may hate it. The first three she had to kill, she couldn’t afford to hesitate with them. But what about the ones after? They had beaten and raped her, sure. But that wasn’t any worse than what Blake had done to her, at least it wasn’t something that bothered her as much as it probably should. No, she became enraged because of how weak she was, and everything that Igneous had done to her.

Then she attacked the closest person and ate their flesh, becoming drunk on her new power and filled with an overwhelming desire to kill. Now that she thought about it, a lot of the stuff that happened between her beginning to kill them and her fight with Igneous was kind of a blur, maybe that was for the better.

Pinkamena found her gaze shifting to her left hand, which she had flipped around and opened. Most of what happened may have been a blur, but she still remembered what it felt like to rip into them, to tear them apart limb by limb as they screamed helplessly begging for mercy. Only for her to quickly rip out their throat, if they were lucky.

She found herself subconsciously biting the inside of her cheek till blood came out, hating how much she liked the taste.

“You know what I think? I think you’ve been keeping yourself busy for a reason. Barely any sleep, constant fighting, all these things are just distractions. You’ve been doing everything you can to keep yourself from thinking about everything that happened to you and everything you did, almost like you’ve been keeping yourself in shock. You haven’t actually had time to relax and come to terms with everything that’s happened, and it is slowly eating away at you. You don’t realize your body is on fire and burning up because of the things you did.”

Pinkamena was beginning to remember, remember the things she did. The way she ripped those men apart with a smile, drank in their blood and feasted on their flesh. The way they apologized and begged to spare them, until anything they said was indistinguishable from their cries of agony.

She remembered how much she’d laugh as she slaughtered them, seeing red, but only because her face, hair, and hands were covered in it.

She felt a deep sinking feeling in her stomach, a sudden pain rising in her heart that seemed to only get worse with every beat. Her gaze lowering to the ground as she tried to focus on her breathing, which had become erratic and hard to keep stable.

“I...I couldn’t…” Pinkamena tried to speak, but it was becoming difficult to breathe, having to leave her mouth slightly agape as she attempted to catch her breath.

“What bothers me most about it all, is you haven’t even considered just how many lives you affected by killing that many. Each one of those men were somebodies, uncle, father, brother, or best friend. They might have been trying to kill you because they needed the money to support themselves or their family, desperation and love can make people do terrible things. I might have understood if you only killed the ones that had beaten and raped you, but you killed all of them. Brutally, if I might add. Leaving anyone that might have cared about them completely in the dark about what happened, or might have even caused them to die because that person was the only support they had. You took important people out of others lives without them even knowing what happened, and that’s the exact justification you used to kill Igneous. You did the same thing he did, and yet you don’t even seem guilty about it.” Starlight ranted, her writing becoming faster as she spoke.

Pinkamena felt her blood run cold at Starlight’s words, she was sure even her heart had stopped beating for a few seconds. Which had almost been a relief, if it hadn’t quickly started beating again with the pain being even more excruciating than before. She put her hand on her chest where her heart was and clenched it, the pain becoming so severe it was hard to focus on anything else.

Her mouth stayed agape as it became harder to breathe, a slight wheezing sound coming out instead. Her vision began to get blurry as her eyes teared up, the sinking feeling she felt in her stomach only seemed to get deeper.

Starlight heard this wheezing noise and looked up at Pinkamena, immediately entering a state of panic as she saw the condition she was in. She shut the door with the pencil in the middle and set it in the bean bag, quickly jumping out of the bean bag and towards.

“Shit! You’re having a heart attack! I didn’t think you’d have one in the first session, maybe I should have started with something else.” Starlight stood beside and put a hand on Pinkamena’s back and began to softly rub it, reaching into her pocket searching for something. “Just focus on your breathing, I have something that can help.” Starlight said, though it was hard to tell if Pinkamena could hear her or not.

Starlight’s voice was close but sounded far away, Pinkamena could barely hear it as darkness began to overtake the corners of her vision as she slowly began to lose consciousness. Her heart began to slow down as felt herself slowly began to breathe less, until it felt like she was barely breathing at all. Her grip on her shirt beginning to weaken as she found it harder to keep her eyes open, slowly starting to pass out.

Her body began to fall forward as she lost control of it, Starlight barely able to keep her from doing so. She would have hit the ground unconscious, if it wasn’t for The Whispers. Seconds before she lost consciousness, she felt a wave of intense cold fill her entire body. There was no slow build up this time, nor was it just in her torso. She felt the numbing cold quickly spread out through her entire body, so deep it felt like her bones were getting frostbite.

She immediately stood up, her eyes snapping open as she inhaled sharply and loudly. Her heartbeat had stabilized and the pain was gone, breathing was also more or less back to normal, though she was still inhaling and exhaling deeply with her mouth open. She quickly placed her hand over her chest, just to reassure herself that here heart was still beating.

She looked down at her arms as she extended them, almost like she was checking if they were still there. She still felt the chill throughout her body, down to her very bones. She felt so cold that she was surprised she couldn’t see her breath, or that her skin wasn’t extremely pale. She felt the deep numbness that she usually felt when they tried to cool down her emotions, but this time it extended to her arms. She could see herself clenching her fist, but she couldn’t feel it.

She’d ask them if they could do this the next time she got into a fight, but she knew it would be too much to ask.

Soon, she felt the cold and the numbness begin to recede toward the center of her body, soon regaining feeling in her arms. She let out a sigh of relief as it did, welcoming the warmness that was quickly taking its place.

“What...what was that? What just happened?” She heard Starlight ask behind her, a tone of bewilderment in her voice.

Pinkamena turned around to face her, noticing how both confused and amazed she looked.

“The Whispers, whatever was happening, they stopped it. Guess the cause was high emotions, I do-”

“The Whispers? What do you mean?” Starlight asked as she walked up to Pinkamena, pushing something into her pocket that sort of looked like candy.

Pinkamena glanced at it, curious at what it was, but decided to ask about it later. “Did Igneous not tell you? At times of high emotion, like anger, they kind of...numb it out. They fill me with a deep chill that overshadows whatever emotion I’m feeling at the time, numbing out whatever I’m feeling until I don’t feel it at all. It usually fades and I’m back to normal, they do it mostly to keep me in check and composed so I don’t let my emotions affect my actions, though they’re selective on when they feel like doing so.”

Starlight listened to her words intently, her eyes widening in surprise as she listened to her.

“Numbing out your...they’ve been repressing your emotions?!” Starlight asked angrily, a scowl forming on her face as she looked at Pinkamena. “That’s...they never….that’s really bad! Repressing emotions can cause a lot of long term problems!” Starlight stated as she pulled out her book, flipping through it as she began to look for something.

“Well, I get that, but I don’t have any control over them. It isn’t like I can just tell them to stop and they’d listen.”

Starlight was flipping through the pages of her book, barely even listening to Pinkamena. She soon found the page she was searching for and began to trace her fingers along it, as if searching for something specifically.

“No, he never mentioned anything like that. He usually didn't have any trouble with composure, at least not in public. I don’t think they did that with him, I guess they’re trying something different with you.” Her finger reached the end of the page, and she gave out a disappointed sigh and pouted slightly when she didn’t find whatever she was looking for. She looked up at Pinkamena with an annoyed expression, though not so much at her as what just happened. “Although I really don’t agree with ‘repressing emotions’ part, avoiding all the heart attacks would have made some things easier.” Starlight mumbled as she slowly lowered herself back into the bean bag, flipping the pages back to the ones she had put the pencil in.

“Igneous had heart attacks? Like the one I just had? That’s strange, I’ve never had heart problems before, neither did anyone else in my family.” Pinkamena said as she too lowered herself to the bean bag, all the cold and the numbness from before almost entirely gone.

Starlight looked at Pinkamena hesitantly, her eyebrows furrowed as she wondered whether she should tell her or not. “Well...there is the whole patient confidentiality thing, but since you’re a relative, I suppose I can tell you that much.” Starlight began to shift around in the bean bag, trying to get into a comfortable position as she put one leg over the other.

“Whatever emotion repressing stuff they’re doing with you, they didn’t do that with him. It took him a year or two to learn how to compose himself, and even then, he only ever did that in public. He did this by repressing his emotions until he couldn’t anymore, which usually came out in our sessions. And trust me when I say all those emotions being let out at once is a lot worse than experiencing them as they come, it really chipped away at his mental health, despite my best efforts to help him.” She seemed to say that with a bit of regret in her voice, closing her eyes for a few seconds in despair.

She let out a deep breath as she opened her eyes again, sadness in her eyes as she opened them. “I always feel like I could have done more to help him, but I couldn’t prevent what he became, no matter how much I might have tried. I’m not mad at you for killing him, what he became was something I’m ashamed for letting happen. I’m not letting that happen again, to you, or to anyone else. The thing is, repressing emotions was not the cause of his heart attacks. At least, not exactly. Igneous...was shell shocked. Or the term you might be more familiar with, he had PTSD.”

Pinkamena half expected that to be a joke, but the tone in her voice suggested that she was serious.

“PTSD? That would suggest anything he did he actually felt bad about, that piece of shit didn’t have a conscious.” Pinkamena said angrily, scowling at the memory of him.

“You really shouldn’t say things like that about him, but I can’t blame you. He wasn’t always that bad, before he became the leader anyway. He still had problems, but they were manageable. After becoming the leader, it only got worse. Even with my help, it reached a point where he couldn’t afford to keep doing what he was doing anymore, it was destroying him. So he...had to stop caring, about a lot of things, he threw away his humanity and just wasn’t...him anymore. He stopped coming to the sessions, didn’t guilt trip himself every time he took a life, he just became so...cold. That happened a week or so before he brought your sisters in I believe. I promise you, he was a lot better before you met him.”

Pinkamena remained silent for a few moments, noticing the sincerity in her voice as she listened. She felt a burning hatred rise inside her as she began to remember everything she could about him; The way he was never home to raise her and her siblings, how distant he seemed whenever he did as he glared at them like he despised them. Then, after years of neglect, he took them out of her life and essentially murdered them, and then tried to take her from her friends and do the same to her. When she somehow survived, he had her tortured and raped for nearly two months, taking away everything she was. Then he put her into an arena where she was forced to fight, being beaten and raped once again in the process. And just when she thought it was over, he came out himself just to try to kill her, she really only got lucky that she managed to kill him.

Not even to mention the fact that he killed AJ’s parents, there’s no telling what all he’s done that she just doesn’t know about yet.

Pinkamena scowled deeply at the memory of Igneous, digging deep into her palms with her nails. “Maybe you’re right, maybe he used to be a good person. But the Igneous I meant, the one who failed to be a father to me and my sisters, was someone I still hate till this day. So excuse me if I find it difficult to believe you.” Pinkamena said with more hostility than she intended, but her hatred for Igneous had been stronger than almost any other emotion she’s ever felt.

Starlight flinched slightly when Pinkamena said that, as if hurt by her words. “That’s a shame, I believe having a good relationship with your parents can be really good for your mental health. Besides, you two had a lot more in common than I think you’d ever like to admit.” Starlight said as she grabbed the pencil in her book, beginning to twirl it in her hands nervously again.

“Anyway, back to the PTSD.” She said as she cleared her throat, quickly regaining her composure. “He first started showing signs of it after his test, he had never actually taken a life before, and the weight of what he had done had ate away at him. He spent a lot of time distracting himself so he didn’t have to think about it, I didn’t let him do that in here. PTSD has been known to cause a lot of problems, hallucinations, substance abuse, erratic behavior, and…” Starlight looked at Pinkamena pitifully, “Heart attacks, really bad heart attacks. They can’t kill a Chimera, of course, But they can be pretty debilitating.”

Pinkamena sat there for a few seconds, letting the words Starlight said sink in. “Are you...are you saying I have PTSD?”

“Well, I know you’ve picked up smoking. You’ve been exhibiting some erratic behavior, and, outside of The Whispers, I have no clue whether you’ve been hallucinating anything or not, though I’m going to guess yes. And that heart attack you just had erased any doubts I have, I am now confident of it. I believe everything that happened to prepare you for the test, and the test itself, has seriously affected your psyche. The only reason it hasn’t flared up before or gotten worse, is because you’ve been keeping yourself busy, and The Whispers probably haven’t been helping. Now that you’re aware of it, it might start getting worse. Which is why I recommend you keep at least one of these on you at all times.”

Starlight reached into the same pocket she had earlier, pulling out whatever she had stuffed in it earlier. She tossed it to Pinkamena, who caught it in her hand.

It looked exactly like candy, it was in an oval shape and was thick enough to be put between her fingers horizontally. It was a dark shade of blue and seemed to only get darker the closer to the center it got. It kind of reminded her of a cough drop.

“Igneous’ heart attacks got pretty bad, bad enough to where I had to ask Discord to make something to help him. Discord said that it should only be taken during a heart attack, not before or after. Apparently it does something to the Aorta and the ventricles that can stabilize the heart, but if that happened normally it could stop the heart? I’m not really sure.” Starlight mumbled.

Pinkamena examined the pill for a few more seconds, before just shrugging and putting it in her pocket.

“Anyway, let’s move on. What are we talking about next? Something that’s less likely to give me a heart attack, I hope.” Pinkamena remarked snidely.

“Well, this might be considered more along the lines of girl talk, but,” Starlight smirked devilishly, “I think we should talk about your relationships. Specifically your romantic ones, I’m very interested in that.”

“Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you, but I’ve never had a romantic relationship.”

Starlight chuckled slightly as she heard that, expecting that to have been a joke. When she noticed that Pinkamena was serious, her smirk quickly turned into a frown.

“Wait, are you serious? But...you’re pretty! Beautiful, even! And you’re personality...well, you’re kind of antisocial now. But before seemed so cheerful and happy, and you talked to almost everyone! You’re telling me you’ve never dated?” Starlight asked, surprise evident on her face.

Pinkamena felt a little flustered, not expecting Starlight to be so forward. No one had ever called her beautiful before, something along the lines of hot or sexy from the boys she did stuff with, sure. But never beautiful, nor had she ever really considered herself as beautiful.

It felt..nice to be called so.

“I’ve had some hook ups and stuff, but no, I’ve never actually dated anyone.”

Starlight glared at Pinkamena for second, as if trying to see through what she thought was a lie. After a few seconds of glaring, she huffed as she leaned back into the bean bag, putting the pencil to the book and began writing. Though she still had a slightly bewildered expression on her face as she looked at Pinkamena.

“But why? I don’t get it, you definitely seemed the type who would flirt with a lot of people and get into a lot of relationships. Not to say you slept around or anything, just that you seemed like you’d be the kind of girl any guy would love to be with!”

“Honestly? I’m not sure, I just found it difficult to develop any romantic feelings for anyone. It wasn’t through a lack of trying, I just...found it difficult to feel that way for someone else. Do you think there’s a psychological reason for it?”

Starlight stopped writing for a moment, her eyebrows furrowing slightly in anger. Before quickly straightening out as she continued writing. “Well, there is a general explanation for people who’ve had loved ones leave their lives in some way, but I don’t really like general explanations. I prefer to treat everything on a case by case basis, but...you’d probably still like to hear it, right?”

Pinkamena nodded, causing Starlight to sigh.

“Ok, the general idea is that if someone loses a family member, loved one, even a best friend, it can cause a person to….distance themselves, so to speak. Especially in your case, for a long time your sisters were the most important people to you. For them to just up and disappear out of your life one day, with no explanation or even a goodbye? It can establish a fear of any person you love suddenly leaving you or just disappearing, now matter how much reassurance you may get. A lot of people who go through something like that find it easier to not let themselves develop romantic feelings for anyone, out of fear of anyone they love just disappearing, though it doesn’t explain why you didn’t date any before. Didn’t you ever feel lonely?”

Pinkamena looked away from Starlight for a moment, thinking about her relationship before everything.

“No, not really. I had lots of friends that I spent time with, plus I was in clubs, had a job, and being an Element of Harmony kept me busy. I guess I just never had the time to be lonely.” Pinkamena said with a hollow chuckle, though she stopped when she noticed the look Starlight gave her.

It was an expression she never thought she’d ever see on Starlight’s face: Disappointment.

“It doesn’t matter if you surround yourself with people Pinkamena, you can still feel lonely. Did you never think that you were simply surrounding yourself with people to fill a void that was left by losing the sisters you cared so much for? Or perhaps because your father wasn’t there for you and your mother didn’t love you the way she should have? I’ve met too many people who did similar things, I was hoping you were different.”

Pinkamena wasn’t sure how to respond, there was a somber tone in her voice, one that was a vast turn from the bit of optimism that was always evident.

“I...I don’t know...I’ve never thought about it. I guess Igneous never being there to raise me, or my mother never treating me more than something that she needed to take care of, made it hard to believe that I really deserved to be loved. I suppose being so eccentric and keeping myself busy was a way to prevent myself from having the time for love, because I didn’t feel like I deserved their love. But I do remember being away from home more after they disappeared, that was also around the time everything with Twilight and Sunset happened, so I guess while caught up with saving Equestria and my entire high school, I kind of forgot about a lot.”

Pinkamena’s face slowly turned to one of regret as she spoke, as if just now realizing her actions.

“You...could be right. I might have just been distracting myself from everything by keeping myself busy, kind of like what I’m doing now. I’m sorry, I...really didn’t…”

Pinkamena found herself remembering a couple of times when her friends would ask her how she was, seeming legitimately concerned for her whenever she was under a lot of pressure or stress. Her reaction was usually to direct their attention to something else, or answer the question without actually answering the question. But was she really just preventing people from really getting to know her? Or was she just trying to prevent herself from realizing how she was really feeling?

Had she...really been ignoring her own mental health like this for that long?

Starlight noticed the sudden shift in Pinkamena, feeling slightly guilty because she knew she was the reason why. She had seen this happen before, people who had gotten so used to deflecting and repressing that some had almost forgotten that they even were. She had to make them aware of it before she could start helping them, but it was a delicate process. She couldn’t let everything come out at once, she had to drain it and deal with it as it went.

Starlight’s face quickly changed to one of sympathy, a comforting smile replacing the disappointed look she had before.

“Are you sure you never felt anything for anyone? Did you ever like any boys?”

“No.” Pinkamena responded quickly, hiding her face behind her hair and closing her eyes

Starlight stayed silent for a few moments, tapping her fingers against her knee impatiently. Then she suddenly stopping, smirking slightly as an idea comes across her mind.

“What about any girls?”

The image of Rainbow Dash appeared in Pinkamena’s mind, along with a warm, fuzzy feeling in her heart. She quickly opened her eyes, her thoughts drifting towards her.

“I...I don’t know...Maybe? There’s one girl that I felt something for, but I don’t know if-”

Pinkamena was interrupted by Starlight letting out a childish squeal, like a teenage girl had just gotten told that the two people she’d been trying to get together finally started dating.

“Oh, I knew it! I knew one of you seven would fall for each other, and I was just hoping it was you!”

Starlight pulled her bean bag a little closer to Pinkamena, leaning forward with widened eyes and an almost wider smile, eager to hear whatever Pinkamena had to say.

“Who is it? Oh no, wait, let me guess. Is it Sunset Shimmer?”

“What? No!” Pinkamena said as she stopped slouching, looking up at Starlight and noticing how close she was. She pulled her face away slightly from Starlight, her thoughts drifting towards Sunset.

“I feel a similar way for all of them, I love them as friends. But Sunset? I…”

Pinkamena trailed off as she began to think about Sunset, the feeling she felt when thinking about her was...different than anyone else. She had always sort of sympathized with her, she was a girl separated from her family and a new world, she did everything she could with what she had, even if that was done for revenge.

Even so, in every sense, Sunset was alone. She had been away from her home for three years, and she felt alone. Anyone could have seen that.

Despite Pinkamena’s sisters and friends, she understood what it meant to be alone.

To an extent, she always sympathized with Sunset, which was partly why she found it easy to forgive her. Sunset began to change, redeeming herself and becoming a better person. Pinkamena watched her grow into one of her best friends, becoming one of the most caring and genuine people she had ever met.

And yet she had almost killed her in the middle of the forest during a fit of rage, all because she blamed her for something that wasn’t her fault.

Even if keeping away from them for their own safety was an excuse because she didn’t think she deserved them, something she’d been pondering ever since her encounter with Sunset, it might be better to keep her distance until she had total control over herself.

“I...relate to Sunset, there are some things about her I sympathize with. Even if we’re vastly different, I feel like I can understand her better than a lot of people. But nothing I feel for her is romantic.”

Starlight listened to her words intently, pondering on what her response should be.

“Out of all of your friends, Sunset Shimmer interest me the most.” Starlight said as she leaned back in her bean bag, her smile receding a bit as she began to think of her. “A being from another world full of ponies where magic is normal, where the sun and moon are controlled by two god like beings that live among them. She came to this world, and in just three years she adjusted to it and began to fit in. I might disagree with what she did and why she did it, but I can’t help but find myself impressed with the fact she was able to manipulate and control an entire high school of people in a world she just came in, she’d have to be incredibly intelligent. Though she had moments of stupidity, I’m almost positive if she had tried to hit the portal with that sledge hammer then it would have just gone through the portal. I know she was desperate, but still.”

Starlight frowned at the memory of it, almost like she was disappointed by the actions Sunset took back then. She looked down and wrote down something in the book in her lap, before looking back up at Pinkamena curiously, tapping her chin as she thought on something.

“If not Sunset, then...Rainbow Dash?”

Pinkamena looked at her in minor surprise, a bit more than she should have. She’s beginning to realize just how good Starlight is at reading people.

“It is...how did you know?”

Starlight gave a slight giggle when she heard that, she never got tired of being right.

“Well, as you know, The Syndicate has been keeping close tabs on you since before you were born. Literally, ever since Igneous knew Cloudy was pregnant with you, like with your sisters, The Syndicate did everything they could to ensure you’d be born healthily. But I’d...rather avoid talking about your mother.”

Starlight said as she glanced away from Pinkamena, a look of pity on her face.

“Cloudy....one day you’ll learn the truth about her, you deserve it. But today is not that day, and I don’t think I should be the one to tell you.”

Pinkamena’s eyebrows widened slightly at Starlight’s words, taking an interest in what she said about her mother. She had never thought much about her mother, just that she thought her mother was an uncaring woman who felt that the children she had were barely worth her time. But Starlight’s words suggested that there was more to it.

Just another mystery for her to solve, everything would be easier if someone just sat down and answered all her questions in a way that didn’t leave her with more questions.

“Anyway, about keeping tabs on you.” Starlight said as her gaze returned to Pinkamena, the pitiful look from before disappearing. “The Syndicate wanted to make sure you and your siblings would remain healthy physically and mentally, at least until it was time for the test, at least. Recordings of you and your siblings are kept safe and can be viewed by a handful of people at any time, though only if there is a justifiable reason for it. Since I had planned to try to convince you to start doing therapy with me, I decided to sit down and review some of them to confirm a couple of suspicions. And I noticed the obvious signs and flirting she was doing with you, I was sure you were aware of them, they were pretty obvious, I was just never sure whether you reciprocate the feelings or not.”

Starlight began to eagerly write something down in her book, watching Pinkamena as she still wrote, clearly something about her and Rainbow.

“Well, that’s the thing, I’m not entirely sure it is anything romantic. I’ve never felt anything romantic for anyone before, so I’m not sure. I get a warm feeling in my chest when I think of her, and I really did want to hang out with just us sometimes. But I never...acted on any of it. I was worried that it could mess up my friendship with the rest, and I also had zero experience with anything like that, I’d be terrified of messing it up.”

Starlight chuckled as Pinkamena talked, as if it reminded her of something.

“Sounds like my first crush. That’s likely all it is; A crush. Though it might have developed into love if you’d pursued it, but then everything happened. You got taken away, Rainbow went missing, and now we’re here. It’s a shame too, I’m a sucker for high school romance.”

Pinkamena’s heart dropped at the mention of Rainbow being missing, cursing herself for forgetting about it.

“Do you...know what happened to her?”

Starlight stopped writing in her book, her mouth opening and closing like she wanted to say something. She looked down at the book as she did, as if unable to maintain eye contact. Then she bit the inside of her cheek, as if preventing herself from saying something.

“I...don’t, I really don’t know anything about what happened to her, I’d tell you if I did.”

Starlight said solemnly, proceeding to write down whatever she was writing in her book.

Pinkamena noticed the hesitation in her voice, something she’s noticed was usually a sign of someone lying. Her gaze lowered to Starlight’s chest as she furrowed her eyebrows, concentrating on her hearing. Starlight’s heartbeat was slightly faster than normal, but that could be explained by a lot of things.

Which made it all the more difficult to tell whether she was lying or not.

“Listen, there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you, and since we’re talking about relationships, now would be a good time to ask it. I will warn you however, it is a sensitive subject. But I need you to answer, I have to have at least a vague idea.”

Starlight said seriously as she looked back up at Pinkamena, who had quickly directed her gaze upward so Starlight wouldn’t notice her looking at his chest.

“If...you think it’ll help, I’ll try.”

Starlight uncomfortably fidgeted in the bean bag, spinning the pencil between her pointer finger her thumb.

“How...exactly do you feel about Blake?”

Starlight could feel the temperature in the room seem to drop when those words left her mouth, she could see Pinkamena’s face darkened as a scowl slowly formed.

There was an awkward silence in the room as Starlight awaited Pinkamena’s response, smiling nervously as she twirled the pencil in her fingers. Pinkamena was looking at her, but it was more like she was looking through her. If Starlight had to guess, she was thinking of the things Blake did to her at the mention of his name, a common thing for most of his victims.

She also noticed how her left hand was clenched so hard blood was dripping down her hand, her hand was also shaking violently. She guessed the pain was how she was preventing herself from having another attack like before, not a method she was fond of, but one that had proven to be effective. Worked with Igneous for a while, until it didn’t.

“Why?” Pinkamena said coldly, her voice slightly hoarse.

“Blake has a...habit of trying to induce a master-slave relationship into any of his female victims, I’d say almost to the extent of brainwashing. Even after they’re let go, there is a pattern of...after effects. And, like I said, a handful ended up killing themselves. One of the reasons for this, was even after everything he did to them, the trauma that he had caused them left...complicated feelings for him. I need to know to what extent you’re affected, if at all, so I can help you. So, I’ll ask again: How exactly do you feel about-”

“Hatred. I feel a strong, burning hatred for him.”

Pinkamena spat those words, no other emotion but rage evident on her face.

“If that was true, why didn’t you just kill him? Why give him the chance to do it again to someone else, or to you? He’s essentially free to do whatever he likes, and you let him live. Why?”

Pinkamena stayed silent for a few moments, not expecting Starlight to have a comeback so soon.

“He’s important to The Syndicate, his work might be gruesome, but it gets results. Once he’s done, he’ll come back and continue doing whatever is needed of him.”

“Valuable? Yes. Essential? No. He’s one of the best tortures, that isn’t an argument most people would make. There are a few like him who are just as good at it as he is, unsurprisingly, he’s the least liked. You are not the only one who strongly disagrees with his methods, there are plenty of people in The Syndicate who do. Considering you were one of his victims and the newly made leader, not a single person would have blamed you for killing him. I’m positive you were aware of that, it isn’t hard to work out.”

Pinkamena sat in the bean bag in silence, tapping the fingers of her left hand against the bean bag rapidly. She clenched the finger of her right had harder, the pain distracting her from thinking of herself back in that room, back on the table in the darkness.

“Ok...fine, I’ll indulge. What are you suggesting then?”

Starlight laid her pencil in the center of her book, crossing her arms and looking down at her book.

“It’s direct, honest, and it might be a truth you don’t want to face. But it is what I believe to be true, at least until proven otherwise. Do you still want to hear it?”

“Yes.” Pinkamena said quickly, no hesitation in her voice.

Starlight sighed in exasperation, closing her eyes for a moment before opening them again.

“Like I said: Blake does a bunch of brainwashing, the kind that doesn’t just leave. Many of them had an initial hatred for Blake, an understandable first response. But, the ones he kept around or were forced to be around him, found it difficult to keep hating him. They eventually...developed a certain dependency on him. They began to hang out with him more, followed him around like a lost puppy. Listened to whatever he said, did whatever he commanded, defended him if necessary. It turned out the master-slave mindset he had drilled into their psyche was very much so still there, and quickly resurfaced. Their hatred and fear soon became admiration and obsession, resembling pets more than people, and that’s exactly how he treated them. They seemed to do it entirely of their free will, and they never defied anything he said or did, it was almost like he had them trained. Just thinking about it makes me…”

Starlight grimaced disgustingly as she remembered the way Blake had treated them, squeezing her arms angrily as she did.

“That man...if you had ripped out his throat as soon as you woke up, I probably would have thanked you. I’ve never abhorred someone so much in my life, trying to fix the people he’s broken has only furthered my hatred for him.”

She looked back up at Pinkamena as she let out a deep breathe, regaining her composure.

“Anyway, what I’m saying is, I don’t think you’re an exception. I think you were aware of the control Blake had over you, or would have eventually. You knew that it would just be a matter of time before he had you under his thumb again, I don’t know if The Whispers could help with something burned so deeply into you. As much as you might have wanted to kill him, you couldn’t bring yourself to, that month of mental manipulation wouldn’t let you. So, you sent him away. You got him as far away from you as you possibly could, before he could reestablish his control over you. With time and help you could prevent it from happening, but not while he’s around to pressure you into breaking. I can help you, but the first step is admitting you have the problem.”

Starlight sat and watched Pinkamena, awaiting her response. She was now clenching both of her fists tightly, very small drops of blood hitting the bean bag as small streams of steam came from the center of them indicating she was healing. Starlight was going to hate cleaning those out later.

She did notice, however, that she was no longer shaking.

“Can you...really help stop it?”

Pinkamena said slowly, as if she were afraid to ask it.

“Any time I’ve tried to treat someone Blake has toyed with, it had been after they had already begun their attraction to him. The further along they are, the harder they are for me to help. But, since you’ve barely even started, and Blake isn’t here to influence you, I believe I can, yes.”

Pinkamena let out a relieved sigh at Starlight’s words, her entire body appearing to relax.

She unclenched her fists and stopped shaking, her hands quickly healing as the scowl on her face slowly faded.

“That’s...good, really good. I was a bit worried, honestly. But, we can do that another day. Right now, I’m kind of curious about your relationships. How was dating Michael?”

Starlight’s eyes widened as Pinkamena said that, very surprised at the fact she knew that. Then her eyes focused again and she scowled at her, knowing that she didn’t realize this herself.

“Who told you?”

Pinkamena opened her mouth as she was about to say The Whispers, before realizing she wasn’t entirely sure how they would know either. Instead, she decided to use a name that would make more sense.

“Discord told me while I was asking about The Council, I just figured now would be a good time to ask about it.”

Starlight peered at her for a moment, trying to tell whether what she was saying was a lie or not. After a few seconds of staring, she leaned back in her bean bag chair and relaxed her face, seeming to have bought her lie.

“Michael was...different before, he was actually a lot more focused and genuine. And, I guess, I hate to admit it, but I was kind of attracted to the bad boy side of him. You might find this hard to believe, but he could be quite...sweet when he wanted to be and when we were alone.” Starlight said with a giggle, a childish smile on her face.

Which quickly turned into a frown as she began to remember something else.

“Then he started using, and he became obsessed with Igneous. He was addicted to whatever drug he was taking, spent a lot more time preparing for something, but he never told me what. After a point, it didn’t even feel like he was human anymore. It just felt like he was a machine, only doing what it was programmed to do. It was...almost heartbreaking, honestly. After a point, I couldn’t be with him anymore. And we just...separated. It was great while it lasted, though sometimes I feel like he regrets it too. You know, sometimes I-”

Starlight was interrupted by the song Secret coming from one of her vest pockets, causing her to jump out of surprise as she quickly reached into her vest pocket and pulled it out, pushing the button on it and turning off the alarm. Then she put the phone back in her pocket and smiled at Pinkamena sheepishly, shutting the book with her pencil in it and putting it in her other vest pocket.

“Sorry, I actually forgot I set an alarm. I’m surprised, we covered more today than I expected we would today, I’d like to continue and make more progress. Sadly, neither of us have the time. I need to look at my schedule, but I’ll tell you the next time I’m free.”

Starlight stood up and raised her arms above her head, closing her eyes and stretching with a satisfying grunt.

“Before I leave, I want to hear your opinion on something.” Pinkamena said quietly, not having gotten up from the bean bag chair yet.

“Sure, what is it?” Starlight said as she lowered her arms, opening her eyes and looking down at Pinkamena.

“I want you to tell me what you think of me, the me before I was left in those woods. After talking with you, I’m starting to think more and more that there was a lot wrong with me.”

Starlight frowned as she heard that, “You want me...to give my evaluation of you before becoming the leader of The Syndicate? I can do that, but you might not like it.”

Pinkamena didn’t answer for a few seconds, thinking on whether or not she should, before hesitantly deciding.

“Yes.”

Starlight sighed before sitting back down in the bean bag, not even needing to pull out her book.

“Well, to start off, you had a somewhat lonely childhood. You had a great relationship with your sisters, but that’s really it. Your father was barely around, your mother borderline neglected you, and you had practically no friends. Your sisters might have tried their best, but to an extent, you were miserable.

At least, until that party with Marble. It might have not been your best party, but it is very likely the most impactful. That party was the first time you didn’t feel miserable, you made someone else happy and it made you happy, it’s...honestly one of my favorite moments of your life. Thanks to that moment, you decided to dedicate your life to making people happy however you could.”

“And that’s where your troubles began.” Starlight said with a frown, the tone of her voice changing drastically.

“You started seeing making others happy as your point in life, which wouldn’t have been so bad if it wasn’t for the way you went about it. You had convinced yourself the only way you could make others happy is by always being happy yourself, it got to a point where you became obsessed with being happy. Anytime you felt any sort of negative emotion that might prevent you from being happy, you ignored it and kept it suppressed, doing that so much so that you weren’t even aware that you were doing it anymore. Being happy to make others happy became all you knew how to do, throwing spontaneous parties, sleep overs, whatever you could do to make others happy. It was like you weren’t even really happy anymore, you were just pretending to be happy because it was all you knew how to do.

After a point, I’m not even sure you knew how to act any way other than happy. You kept yourself busy so the emotions you had been ignoring wouldn’t sink in, but, after everything that happened…”

Starlight didn’t say anymore, she let the meaning of her words set in.

“Are you...are you saying I’ve been repressing my emotions for years? And everything that happened had released them, just for The Whispers to force me to do the same thing? That the happiness I convinced myself I had was fake?”

Pinkamena said angrily, standing up out of the bean bag as she looked down at Starlight, hiding her face behind her hair.

“After seeing and reviewing everything, that’s what I believe, yes.”

Pinkamena clenched her fist as she began breathing heavily, before grinding her teeth together and calming down. She was right, she hated it, but she was right.

Pinkamena leaned down and grabbed her hoodie beside the bean bag, quickly putting the hoodie on and walking towards the door. Starlight watched her in silence, a patient look on her face.

Pinkamena opened the door, stopping only because of Starlight’s words.

“Pinkie, I can help you. I know I can, you just have to let me. No matter what you do, I will always be here. No matter what happens, you are a good person.”

Pinkamena considered her words for a moment, thinking of how to respond.

“No, Starlight,” Pinkamena said as she brought her other hand to her chest, grabbing the necklace through her hoodie. “I’m really not.”

She then walked out of the room, slamming the door behind her.