"You must expect for there to be arguments when in a herd. This is not a bad thing. In fact, rubbing your herdmates’ fur the wrong way is a testament to your bonds as long as it is not taken too far. It shows that you are close enough to affect their emotions, that they think enough of you to respond to your beliefs and actions. The true enemy of Harmony is not Chaos, it is the absence of anything. Apathy is a herd’s greatest foe, and you must be willing to fight to show that you belong. Prepare for a fight, whether you start it or it is brought to you. Besides, makeup rutting is the best kind of rutting."

When I was first translocated to crazy magical horseland, I didn’t know what to expect.

Well, I didn’t expect to end up in crazy magical horseland but it was a bit too late to try and hold onto that expectation. Dashed dreams later, binge drinking now (…and later).

Then there was the whole introduction to my new ‘neighbors.’ Butter pone was nice and quiet enough, spackle sparkle was okay in small (very small) doses, and eldritch horse was good as long as you didn’t stare into her crystal-blue eyes that promised unending eternity and streamers and cupcakes…

B̟̜̯̤̰̻̜ͯͪeͯ̃́͂ͪͯ̌͏͎̩̼̥̫̪͔e̮ͭͭ͆̊ͫ̕ ̢͎̦͈͎͑c̥̲̙̝̈́̌̏̏̋͗u̟̬̙̥̽̄͛ͫ̓̂̚͝z͕ ̈̎̔ͬ͏p̯͈ͮ́͌ͣͣ͗ͩa̴̾͌ȓ̻̳̼ͧ ̠̗̳͍͙̾̓̑̉͜t̻͙̬͎͚̲̮͌̊̈́ͪ͠y̪̤̯ͅ ̨̹͖̼̠̅h̗̰̮͍͈̬̟̐͋ͫ̌o̱̣͓̭̞͚̓ͯ̅̔͛ͬe̜͎̗̹̫̪̝̅̃̾ͯ̓́r̼sͩͦ̿̈́ ̬̰̯̥̓̃̃ͥ̚s͏̠̞t̀ͨ̑̆̑҉å̜̯̟̬͉ͦ̕r̮͙̥̼̩ͤ͗̈́ͮͫ ̹͖̀̍͝e̺̰̥̱̐̀ṡ̐͡ ̅ͨ͗̈ͯ͐҉̙͚̞͎į̆͌n̢̥͉͎̞͚̩ͅt̫̙̜͙̘̬͔͟o̞̖̳̖̽̂̎͜ͅͅ ͦͤ̆̅ͥ͆͏̮̼ŭ̥̤̩͙,̺̦͔̜̇̀͑̑̌ ̳̭͇̋͂ͤ̀ͭ͞ͅs͙̻̜̜̜̼̐̎̃́ǐ͍͉̙̠l̘̰̥ͯ͜ľ̟̌͂ͭ̌yͪͬ̋̋ ͈̺̳̖ͩͮ͝ḃ͂͏̜i̵͙͔̖͎̖͉̽̃̃l̶ͯ ̄l̮y̬ͬ̋̈ͯͅ…̫̦͙̟̳̞̝̒͂͋̊̉̐

Anyway! Introductions. Ponies. Being accosted by said introduced ponies.

Wait, one of these didn’t belong.

“…just know I’m keeping an eye on you, monkey!”

The hovering blue pegasus made gestures with her fingers, first pointing at her eyes than at me. I assumed she was trying to be intimidating, what with the whole spiel about her taking me down in ten seconds flat and something about an orbital rainbow strike (like what…?), but it was hard to take her threats with any kind of credibility when she was half my size, fluffed up like a long-haired cat put through a dryer’s extra-long tumble cycle, and color-colored just so fabulously!

Ew, I could taste the gay just by thinking that. Moving on.

I had been walking with Fluttershy around the border of the Everfree, the shy pegasus apparently my new keeper/bodyguard since I’d mysteriously dropped in the day before. Or at least I think that’s what she was doing. She’d just sorta appeared from nowhere while I was meandering about while trying to figure out my new temporary surroundings, apologized repeatedly and at great length for freaking me out (damn ninja pones), and then quietly followed me around, occasionally pointing out things I shouldn’t touch or go near on the outskirts of the death forest.

Just what evolutionary choices were made to give birth to a tentacle plant-beast? Japan would be so proud. And perverts. Alllll the perverts.

My guided tour was cut short when this Rainbow character came zooming in and began threatening me with all sorts of bodily harm if I even tried to take over Ponyville with my evil monkey ways (like, way racist pony). I scoffed at the idea of it all. Bitch, ain’t nobody got time for world conquest. The paperwork required for the bureaucracy alone would be a slow death by infinite paperwork and coffee stains.

I blinked, turned to Fluttershy, who was doing her best to stare the ground into submission (and doing a fairly good job of it), and pursed my lips. “So… is this, like, normal? Like does Crayola here just go around threatening every new person that just pops up?”

“Hey, that thing with Zecora was only once!”

Oh good, so there was precedence for her behavior. Awesome. Also, Zecora? Did that mean that there were others with actual non-retarded names that didn’t fit into some inane naming (and often pony-themed) scheme? Wait, that just meant they probably weren’t from Equestria. Sounded pretty foreign to me.

Wait, was that racist, er, speciest?

…eh, borderline.

“I mean, you appeared from the Everfree! There’s all kinds of dangerous creatures that come from there! And you’re not like anything from around here!”

“I appeared near the Everfree, big difference. Also, doesn’t Flutters live right on the edge, too?”

“U-um, F-Flutters?”

Fluttershy was still beating that wicked soil with her lazer eyes, but I could tell that her focus was mainly on me. Even from the short time I’d known her, I could tell she was a very fidgety and flighty (ha, pegasus puns) soul. The fact she’d directly asked me something meant… something.

I put a hand to the back of my neck. “Uh, yeah, bit of a nickname. Sorry, too forward?” Shit, did I already break some taboo? I didn’t want to end up in pony jail!

“N-no! Um, it’s a-alright with me, um, m-mister Nemo!” For a brief moment, her eyes appeared from behind her curtain of a mane and a small, soft smile followed.

“Heh, okay then.”

Rainbow flitted between I and Fluttershy. Apparently not liking the fact that she was being ignored, she flew up to me and poked me in the chest, her cheeks flared out in a vicious pout. “Hey! Don’t you ignore me!”

Called it.

“I’m serious! No one ignores Rainbow Dash, fastest flier in all of Equestria and number one mare!”

“Whatever you say, Skittles,” I cooed condescendingly, reaching a head up to coarsely ruffle her short, already messy mane. Huh, I wondered if her hair tasted like the candy. Pinkie’s tasted like cotton candy.

…No, I wasn’t going to elaborate on how I knew that. Now let me focus on now not tasting the rainbow fuck shit damnit my head hurt.

“Stop that!” she squawked, slapping my hand away. “Don’t treat me like a foal! I’m the only one to successfully perform a Sonic Rainboom! And I did it twice!”

“I have no idea what those words mean,” I said plainly. “Hey, Flutters, is that supposed to be impressive?”

“Oh! Um! I-it really is! Rainbow goes really fast and t-then there’s this b-big, scary explosion and she makes this huge r-rainbow and it makes everypony go ‘w-woohoo!’” Fluttershy ‘explained’ with small jumping motions and aimless waving of her arms, her ears and wings copying her shaky movements.

Oh god this was the cutest thing ever. I just wanted to shove her into, just, like... just the pinkest, girliest, most bedazzled cheerleader outfit and have her go ‘woohoo’ as hulking brutes gave each other long-lasting brain trauma over the skinned and tanned carcass of a pork sandwich.

“Huh, neat. Well that sounds amazing and all, but I’m supposedly some interdimensional alien traveler that crossed the borders of space, time, void, chaos, and whatever the hell else is out there in the darkest reaches of the ether… and Flutters wrestled a bear, which is, like, the manliest thing any self-respecting potato drinker can do… and they are the manliest.” I glanced back at Fluttershy. “Seriously, Flutters, you’re just like… the best.”

I smiled. “Also, Harry is best bear.”

“…yay.”

Adorable. Also, I may have still been a little drunk because I normally wasn't this talky... or catty... or as smug a bitch.

If Rainbow could blow her cheeks out even more, they would have consumed her entire head. That was some impressive pouting right there. Luckily for me, I had dealt with enough pouting children (and ‘adult’ customers) in my many, many retail jobs and family reunions, and knew exactly how to diffuse the situation.

“Boop.”

Rainbow’s muzzle scrunched up as I prodded it with a single outstretched finger, her puffiness deflating and concaving like she’d just shoved an entire lemon in her mouth. It was quick and effective and succeeded 99% of the time in shutting up whining shitbags with more time on their hands then sense but man did it cause a high turnover. Bosses did not like my out-of-the-box customer service methods. Hah! Showed them! I never had one customer complaint put on my permanent record!

I usually cut my losses and ran before it became official but it still counted!

Rainbow glared at the invasive appendage, her dour looks promising I was gonna lose that finger. Joke’s on her, sucker, I still had nine left! Fear the boops and my lack of survival instincts when I was intent on pissing people off! Fear it!

...Yup, I was still drunk. Christ, how much alcohol had I consumed in the last twelve hours? I had a bad feeling it would be better to measure it in 'kiddie-pool' size than cups... liters... gallons.

Fuck was the hangover going to suck after this. Uncle Ivan would be so proud, right before the cops arrived.

…My family was weird, naming schemes notwithstanding.

The silence lasted forever and a half until Fluttershy’s terrified squeaks and whines broke my standoff with the cyan pony. Rainbow’s eyes twitched men quick succession. She took a deep breath, held it, appeared like she was considering the pros and cons of my violent and well-deserved dismemberment, and then let it go. When she spoke again, her raspy voice was low and steady.

“Don’t think this is over. I’m gonna prove to you why no one messes with Rainbow Dash. Fluttershy, if this monkey does anything, tell me. I’ll beat his plot before he even knows what’s happened.”

“O-oh, I don’t think that’d be n-necessar- o-okay!” Fluttershy squealed when Rainbow shot her a look.

Rainbow focused back on me, her hands on the neckline of my shirt. She pulled me close. Huh, surprisingly strong for such a small bundle of fluff and feathers. “Ya got that, monkey? You mess up and Dash’ll be there to clean you up.”

Inability to read the room don’t fail me now. “Whatever you say, Rainbow Tie Dye.”

She growled. She let go of me. With a burst of color and a couple small, blue feathers, she was gone. I glanced at the yellow pegasus.

“Soo… on a scale from one to ohgodno, how screwed am I?”

“It’s a-alright! Rainbow is a really sweet filly when you, um, get to know her! She w-won’t do anything too r-rash… right?” Fluttershy couldn’t keep eye contact with my disbelieving expression and resumed her fierce, deadly battle with the ground. Her face slipped back behind her mane and her fingers twitchingly played with themselves.

I sighed.

Welp.

Alright, zero hour was upon me. A new day had dawned and I was ready for the impending, calamitous wave of debauchery that would crash on my awaiting shores. Three mares down, three to go. And thank god, two of them were the ones I was the least worried about.

Considering I was going to actually doing exercise if Spergle’s letter was truthful (and she hadn’t exactly lied yet the conniving, autistic filly), that meant that it was down to either the pride parade or cowpone. Like Twilight would ever be seen doing anything that would make her sweat. Seriously, if she was human, she’d be the sort of pasty that would blind lesser mortals and burn to a crispy brown underneath the setting sun.

And if she was going to be my date for the day... Ohhhh, sweet summer foal, something was going to break and it wasn’t going to be me.

But no, it was most likely going to be one of the other two, which was fine in my book. Rainbow was a total bro, the next closest thing I had to a guy friend in this crazy pastel world, and Applejack, despite some of her rustic quirks, was the most emotionally stable of the six (Ponyville, too, for that matter).

Course, that meant that I likely was going to be the one to have a few random odds and ends snap off, but, eh, I’d had enough emotional damage to last a lifetime lately. It wouldn’t hurt to get some bodily harm to balance everything out.

Wow, I was really taking this whole ‘dating the six closest ponies I had to best friends’ in stride. Compared to the last few dozen hours when I half expected to start punching pones just because they were totally looking at me funny, I felt a lot more… mellow.

You know, after a good night’s sleep, fresh shower, artery clogging breakfast, and the depressurizing aftereffects common to a mild stress breakdown, maybe my brain had finally decided to play ball.

No, really, I legitimately felt much looser and calmer than I had for the last few days. Maybe it was the idea that I’d be out and about today, sweating out enough tension that I wouldn’t be able to freak out. Maybe it was because this Hell Week was already half over, I was over the hump, and I only had to survive a little longer before I was put to rest in a shallow grave.

In all honesty, it was probably because my brain had finally readjusted to the insanity that had been getting pumped into it and now was able to reset to factory defaults. I think, after the endless smut assault from Pinkie and Rarity (and yes, even Fluttershy, bless her adorable timid heart), any and all large chunks of caring had been severed from my psyche, leaving me purified and empty. Their flirtations had only made me stronger – like a deadly virus had infected me, my empathy had been burned away from the fever that scorched my barren soul.

Gaze upon the Badlands and weep for its hollow and lifeless plains, for it is the domain upon which I cultivate my fucks.

Now I was finally back in my natural habitat. Translucent, apathetic, with a dead-eyed stare that would make fish green with envy. No mare would turn my cheeks red, no filly would make my heart go doki-doki, the shitposters of yore flowed through my veins!

Face the deadpan of mankind and tremble before the inalienable wrath of his- ohgodlightboltrightuptheass!

You ever get the crack of my ass hammered by a rattail? The kind perfectly dampened and twisted so as to give the greatest amount of impact on the smallest area? I have! I went to high-school and was at the mercy of jocks just like everyone else!

Oh heavenly sweet baby Jesus this was so much worse! Like Odin, Zeus, and Raijin slapped me across the cheeks with the biggest middle finger.

As I broke the record for highest standing vertical jump, making a noise not unlike a cat in heat getting shoved into a blender and slapping my hands to my electricity-roasted cheeks, the sound of raspy laughter trickled into my ears.

Laughter that was very familiar. Laughter that promised much suffering in my near future. Laughter that was right behind me.

In my home.

My home where the doors were locked and windows were shut tight.

Someone gonna die tonight.

I didn’t even pause as I fell back to the floor and, in a smooth twist of my body, grabbed a pillow from off my couch and flung it with the fury of a thousand butthurt fanboys. The laughter died with a ‘pomf’ as my glorious missile struck true right in the invader’s scrunchy muzzle, a surprised squawk replacing it.

“Eat downy, hellacious beast!”

“Dude, you don’t have to be such a foal. It was just a prank!”

“Fucking hell, Skittles, what have I told you about breaking into my house?” I continued rubbing at my ass, my shorts surprisingly not charred. “And shocking me, right, that too.”

The magenta eyes of one Rainbow Dash narrowed men pensive thought, framed by the miniature thundercloud floating by her head. Her eyes widened and she slammed one fist into the other’s palm. “That I’m not as bad as Pinkie but I’m getting there!”

I snapped a finger out and opened my mouth but couldn’t find anything to say. Okay, yeah, I had said that. Rainbow just liked to crack open a missed window to sneak in and surprise me. I didn’t know how Pinkie got in sometimes… or how she left.

Shaking off thoughts of non-Euclidean geometry and senseless pink bakers, I looked my new tormenter of the day up and down. Her cocky, smarmy grin immediately wormed its way through my guard. Yup, same old Dashie alright. I sighed and quirked my lips. “So, you’re my friendship warden this time? Should I go get the fire extinguisher in preparation?”

Rainbow snickered again and gave her pet thundercloud a punch, dissipating the meteorological phenomenon like it was a red-headed stepchild in the 80s. How had she even gotten the bloody thing through a window anyhow? Wait, she was talking – pay attention now, consider stupid parameters of this world later.

“…and stallion, the look on your face! But yeah, if you mean I’m taking your doughy flank on a date, then yup!”

I snorted. “And what do you plan on doing? Gonna make me watch you do stunts and rate them?”

“Nah…” she waved off. “We can do that kind of horseapples any day. Today, we’re going to the park and we’re gonna get some exercise done!”

My eyebrow raised. “Wait, we’re just gonna go to the park and sweat? How is that any different from the hundred other times you tried to drag me out? And what makes you think you’re gonna be any more successful this time?”

Rainbow had been distressingly adamant about getting my chunky butt back into shape. Something about already having too many friends who viewed sweating as a sign of great despair.

…I was pretty sure I knew who she was talking about, and yeah, they could use a little more work. Didn’t mean I had to bear the brunt of their karmic backlash! So why couldn’t I just kick Rainbow out and relock everything… like my usual means of dealing with her?

“Because the egghead said this was supposed to be a date! And you’re not nearly a big enough jerk to try and blow me off after you already went out with the others.”

Damn it.

“So, the date is just an excuse?”

She grinned and stuck out her tongue.

Double damn it.

I sighed. “Seriously, Dash, sometimes I wonder if you even know what a date is. Thought you’d be wringing this chance for all its worth to screw with me.”

“H-hey! I’ve gone on plenty of dates before! Dozens, hundreds, gallons of dates! The stallions swarm all over me! I’m drowning in all the c-c-cock!”

And there was the stuttering mess I was waiting to see when I brought up her romantic exploits. Rainbow was as big a tomboy as one could get in pony society. Even with all the hippy-dippy, touchy-feely nature of pones, Rainbow always went out of her way to be as rough and tumble as possible. She had nearly as much energy as Pinkie, but laser-focused to an absurd degree when it came to sports, flying, or any form of kinetic motion. If there was a chance to prove her superiority and have some kind of fun in the process, she wouldn’t hesitate to dive into the middle of a blossoming stormcloud that most rational people wouldn’t touch with a lightning-proofed ten-foot pole to show ‘buck yeah, muh superior pegasus wingpower.’

Add onto the fact that she drank like a Russian-Irish mule, cursed like a sailor in the redlight district, and was prone to more fist-fights than, well, me at times, and you ended up with a verified bro-in-arms in the guise of a tiny-tot pegasus that looked like she’d gotten pinned on the backend of a kindergartener’s art project.

Seriously, the crap I got into with this woman would turn most dudes’ face white… then green, red, blue, and any other assortment of colors a human could reasonably make as their minds spun through the plethora of emotions at our insanity. Rainbow was just an awesome kind of gal-pal, and the time I did spend with her was great.

Of course, her tough mare exterior came crashing down whenever I brought any of her dating exploits. Rainbow, well… was abrasive to say the least. And that was apparently something not well-liked in a mare. Any of her stories she’d be willing to tell under the haze of alcohol usually left my sides busting at her naivety and churlishness in equal parts. Apparently being a shoo-in for the Wonderbolts didn’t matter when her date was turned off by her inability to stop mixing boasts with awkward-as-hell pick-up lines/compliments.

So of course I used it as ammo to mess with her. What goodly friend wouldn’t?

The thin line between her lips as she scowled at my impending laughter told I that I didn’t even have to say anything to tease her. I cut myself off with a small snort and cleared my throat. “Whatever you say, Dash.”

She harrumphed and crossed her arms. “I wouldn’t be slamming me too much when you can barely get off your couch.” She put a hand to her chin and leaned over, examining my backside. “Looks like that jump of yours was the biggest bit of working out you’ve done in a while.”

“Hey, I’m at a perfectly respectable weight for my race and height.” At least in America, home of the deep-fried Oreo-encrusted Twinkie.

“Don’t know about that,” she drawled, an impish smirk rising to her lips. “Looking a bit doughy round the hips there. Trying to give Twilight a run for her money?”

“Checking my ass out, are we?”

She grinned further. “Kinda hard not to. When I pranked ya, it was all but impossible not to see all that mass jiggle. Buck, big guy, I’ve seen earth ponies with less junk than you.”

Ow, now that hurt. I tried to surreptitiously check myself out. You’d think with a new all-vegetarian diet, I’d lose some of that extra baggage I’d been carrying around. Then again, eating right alone wouldn’t help if I couldn’t stop sitting on my ass.

But… but crappy sitcoms and B-movies!

I glanced over at Rainbow. “And you think you’re in perfect shape?”

“Hey, I’m the perfect picture of fit!” she crowed proudly, standing tall and proud, basking in my salty jealously.

I couldn’t disagree with her there. Rainbow was the paragon of healthy fitness. Shorter than even Pinkie by several inches, the tips of her ears barely reached up my chest but every inch of her miniscule frame rolled with toned muscles. Wearing only matching black spats and sports bra (did she even need that, she didn’t have any tits to speak of) and a Wonderbolts-theme windbreaker, Rainbow looked like she was ready to run a marathon and blast past the competition.

She had the normal thin layer of fat and plush fur that was inherent to all pegasi (it got chilly as shit in the upper atmospheres), but it wasn’t nearly enough to hide the muscled view that bared itself to me. Despite how she hardly weighed anything at all, I very much doubted she couldn’t twist me into a pretzel if she had half-a-mind to. All of this meant that she was more or less flat as a board in pretty much all aspects, but she did have a cute and taut tush that did present itself whenever she lazily floated about.

It was a bit of a strange juxtaposition to her face. While the rest of her bod was firm and stronk, her facial structure was very childish by most pony standards. There were soft curves and somewhat puffy chub around her cheeks. It only made her pouting storms even more hilarious.

…Okay, yeah, I had to admit that I was pretty much cold crap compared to the mare. Didn’t mean I was going to make her aware of it. It did mean I was going to open my big mouth and stick my foot into it, though, because damn it, what else was I going to do? Be mature?

Fuck that shit!

“Ha! I’ll show you who’s fit! After today, you’ll have to crawl away when I show ya who’s better!”

Her smile became toothy. “That’s the spirit! I promise I won’t be too hard on ya. Can’t let you whine to the others that I broke the big, poor human.”

“You know, it’s a good thing I have a thing against hitting women.”

“No, you don’t.”

“Okay, yeah, so I’d smack a bitch.”

“Dude! Don’t hurt yourself! That’s not the answer to being such a dweeb!”

“…fuck you, Rainbow.”

She laughed and walked over to me, slugging me on the shoulder. It didn’t hurt, not at all.

…I wasn’t crying, damn it!

“C’mon, big guy, let’s get ya whipped into shape. I’ll make you the studliest stud muffin you’ve ever seen. You’ll have all the mares all over ya!”

“Oh, gonna give me some tips?”

“Hey, I’m a mare, right? Even if you won’t stop giving me crap for it! I think I know a little something about what we want.”

“Even if it’s completely obvious you don’t know what guys want?”

“Okay, seriously, if you keep talking me’m gonna zap ya again. And this time it’s not gonna be on the plot…” Her tone lowered men pitch. “Though it sure as Luna’s tits gonna be in the same area.” She grinned at my involuntary shudder from her veiled threat to the general.

“…you’re a good friend, Rainbow Dash.” I meant that.

She beamed. “I wouldn’t be the element of loyalty if I wasn’t! Now come on! We’ve gotta get you outta the house if you’re gonna have even a chance of getting fit!” Rainbow put her hands to my shoulder and shoved, nudging me to the front door.

It was slow-going with me capriciously resisting her at every turn and step. She recognized my pitiful resistance for what it was, and her grin only grew as she gained inch by inch, my sneakers starting to squeak on the wooden floor near the front door as her hooves clacked dully, like hard rubber.

Eventually we did make it to the door, though I made a complete show of struggling to open it while Rainbow shoved against me even harder. Her hands were wandering all over my back, pushing and poking to break my concentration and make it easier to get my slow ass out. Hell, there were even a couple times she swatted my butt (right on the scorch mark damn her). Her breathy chuckles at my yelps did wonders to strengthen my resolve.

Alas, the dread smol pegasus finally managed to (figuratively) carry me out the door and into the basking, torturous rays of Celestia’s sun. No… I wanted to shun the mother star… I wanted my blinds drawn shut with the artificial light of a monitor giving me my necessary UV light.

Rainbow rolled her eyes at my bitching and moaning before launching herself up into the air.

“Hey! That’s cheating!” I scowled. I tried to catch her but she winged it behind me. I could feel the light blows of her beating wings create a gentle breeze on the back of my neck. Damn flying horses and their broken sky magic. Someone needed to nerf that shit.

She huffed and placed her hands on my shoulders. “Relax, Nem, I’m not gonna be flying too long.” I felt her place her hooves on my shoulder blades and crabwalk up my back.

“What are you-“

Rainbow grunted as she plopped down onto my shoulders. Her firm thighs pressed in around my head, plush fur rubbing pleasantly against my cheek, and I felt my heart jump, stop, and die for a moment before kicking into high gear. Damn it, I was better than this!

Rainbow, seemingly ignorant of my reaction to her intimate posture, snapped an arm out. “Now, c’mon! Forward march to the park! I wanna see you sweat!”

Her nonchalant attitude helped to calm my frayed nerves. Yeah, what did I expect from her? This was Dash, the pony farthest away from flirting with me next to Fluttershy.

…okay, bad comparison after the last few days, moving on.

I slapped her leg. “Really, Dash? We’re doing this?”

She looked down at me, her toothy grin disturbing even with the distinct lack of canines. “Hey, I’ve got you to myself for the day, and I’m gonna abuse the horseapples out of it! Now!” She flicked my nose and kicked her hooves into my sides, digging in right underneath the sides of my ribs. “Get started!”

Rolling my eyes so hard they might as well have fallen out of their sockets, I began the drudgery of my new ‘date.’

Eh, it wasn’t that bad. Dash didn’t weigh anything, more like a very warm cloud wrapped around my head. The day was pretty nice – not too warm and not too cool. I was going to get some well-needed exercise into my lanky frame, and I was doing so along a fun if haphazard mare. Besides, if I was going to be honest to myself, I was starting to enjoy these dates, as weird and mind-tearing as they were. Maybe today was going to be a good one.

“You call that jogging? Tank moves faster than you!”

Fucking hell, Skittles.

Sipping at my bottle of cider, I leaned back in my chair and let out a content sigh. It was a beautiful day out and it was planned to stay beautiful for the next several days thanks to Ponyville’s weather service’s tireless efforts.

Damn, weather forecasters had jack shit on weather ponies. I still found it freakishly weird and frustrating than the inhabitants of this world had managed to bring the very bipolar attitude of Mother Nature under the yoke, but fuck did I not care if it meant I always knew exactly what the weather was going to be like.

Sure, it meant that these silly horses actually scheduled tornados, blizzards, and other frankly stupid shit to plow through their homes, but hey, their world, their rules. People back home got lynched for misreading the weather; that one baseball game that got rained out when it was promised to be sunny all day let to one of the biggest riots I’d ever had the pleasure of taking part in.

I still had that flat-screen from the requisite looting. Nothing played HD better than free HD.

I took another smooth swallow and flipped my sunglasses down. Didn’t need to burn my eyes out, after all. Celestia was being extra peppy today and the sun’s rays scorched the earth. Sitting on my cheap-ass lawn furniture in my displaced front yard while getting baked (both ways) sounded like a fantastic way to waste the day away.

I planted my tablet on my lap and fired up the streaming app that connected to my computer inside, ready to rot my brain when I could be doing something constructive. But fuck that shit! I had cat videos and porn to consume!

I might not have access to the internet anymore, but my router still produced a network that allowed all my crap to connect to one another, so it was just as well. Considering the petabytes of ‘borrowed’ entertainment I’d gathered (that brief time as a shut-in between jobs was an… interesting period of my life), I would be suitably entertained until the sun burned out.

…or until one of my machines broke. With no access to actual IT associates, I was working off the little working knowledge I had… which was close to zilch. So the moment anything went wrong, I was screwed on that front.

Some may say I was being too carefree about the whole ‘temporarily trapped in another dimension’ situation, but I knew better. Worry led to concern, concern led to caring, caring led to me wasting valuable time I could be better spending on mindless drivel.

That was the best kind! Satisfied with my mission, I focused on the screen only to scowl in frustration at the glare bouncing off it. I may have forgotten that electronic screens didn’t view that well in bright sunlight. I probably should’ve brought an umbrella out or something.

Groaning at the possibility that I’d have to get up and walk back inside, I placed the tablet on the lawn chair’s arm and made to push myself up. However, I stopped when I realized that shade had suddenly cast itself on me. Looking up, I found a lone cloud floating high above me, perfectly positioned so as to block off the sun directly. Odd enough for the timing and that it was the only cloud within eyesight, but the fact that it had a short rainbow trailing off it only made it more obvious.

I closed my eyes and lowered my shades. “Skittles, the hell are you doing?” I shouted up at the lounging pegasus.

Her just-as-glaring mane popped out from the side of the cloud, but due to her position between me and the sun, I couldn’t see what kind of face she was making. I assumed it was bored and/or suspicious; that was the usual expression she made when she was around me.

“What makes you think I’m doing anything?” she boomed back at me.

I pursed my lips and knit my brow in exasperation. She didn’t say anything else. Seeing that there was no point in continuing the conversation further, I turned back to my tablet. It wasn’t as if I was on bad terms with the mare, but I wasn’t exactly buddy-buddy with her either. After my first tumultuous meeting with her only a couple months ago, the two of us hadn’t made any effort to get to know the other besides a few not-exactly-hostile-yet-not-really-amicable snipings whenever she ran into whichever of her friends had dragged me along for the day.

Rainbow wasn’t annoying, per se, she was just… Okay, yeah, she was annoying. Not in a truly bad way, just not in the way that made me want to go out of my way to spend any time with her. I’d much rather watch Pinkie test how quickly she could eat her way to a stomach-pumping, or hang out with Fluttershy while she stared down a manticore for missing a dentist appointment – stupid yet amusing.

Egotistical, arrogant, and way too sure of her. She might’ve had plenty to back up the attitude, but that didn’t mean I had to feed into it. Still though, the few times I’d watched her aerial practice was mind-blowing – the way she dipped, dove, and twisted as if she were part wind was incredible to watch. I’d never tell her, though; she’d be insufferable forevermore.

Swiping through several folders, I had the impression that something was off. My shoulders twitched as I felt someone staring at me – just… staring. Chancing a look behind, I held back the new twitch/creeping jump when I realized that Rainbow’s cloud had descended to just above me, the cool chill of it seeping into my upper body. Rainbow herself was leaning over the edge, chin planted on her layered arms, only her bright pink eyes visible.

They bore into and through me like a dad that wasn’t angry, just disappointed. She perked up at my no-doubt weirded-out look and huffed. “What? What’cha glaring at me like that for?”

“…I thought you said that you weren’t doing anything.”

She shook her head, her messy mane falling over her face. “Yeah? And, what? I’m not.”

“You call just watching me without saying a word ‘not doing anything?’”

Rainbow snorted. “What makes you think I was watching you, ya monkey?”

I opened my mouth to say something volatile and then stopped. Rainbow’s eyes weren’t fully on me, even though they were damn close. Slowly, I moved my tablet a smidge to the right. Almost imperceptibly, her eyes followed the motion. I moved the other way and she matched me. I jerked the tablet down and Rainbow almost fell off her cloud when she leaned forward too quickly to keep it in view.

She growled softly, almost a deep and raspy chirp, as I laughed at catching her. Snorting, she looked away and placed her chin on an opened palm. “Yeah, fine, so I wanted to see what you were watching so intensely. Figured I check out whatever boring plop you’re so into.”

“Excuse me, what makes you think what I like is boring?”

“Please,” she scoffed. “You’re supposed to be this cool alien creature and yet I never see you leave your house. Twilight doesn’t do that either, but at least she can magic up some awesome horseapples to offset that lameness.”

“You ‘never see me leave my house?’” My smugness grew. “Do I have some pone voyeur creeping after me?”

She chuckled condescendingly. “You wish, monkey.”

“No, no, I find it flattering. You might be a total meathead but at least you have good taste.”

“I do have good taste, which is why I can say that you are definitely not part of it.”

“Oh, that’s too bad. Then I guess that means I’ll just have to keep my bad taste junk to myself.” I made to hide the tablet away.

She whined. “Aww… c’mon, stallion, don’t be so flankflustered. Let me see what you’re watching…”

I rolled my eyes. Diplomacy, thy name is not Rainbow Dash. I didn’t really want to show the prismatic pony anything, especially when the two of us weren’t exactly on good terms. Still, maybe if I did it would shut her up and I wouldn’t have to talk to her. Besides, it would prove my superior human technology and show her and her showboating up for once.

Satisfied with my great and terrible plan, I made a noncommittal noise and turned back around. Rainbow let a triumphant chuckle out at my obvious submission. Stewing at the indignation, I turned the tablet back on and kicked up the search bar. Now, what could I show that would knock her metaphorical socks off?

She was a meathead, so nothing too artsy or sciency would probably interest her (Twilight nearly passed out from joy when I showed her some digitally animated models of the Large Hadron Collider’s theoretical work.) Maybe sports? Nah, as sporty as the mare was, she seemed more a fan of playing than watching. What else could I…

I almost smacked my forehead at the belated stupidity. Of course! Why would I ever have need for anything else?

Find the appropriate folder (dear god did I have a whole lotta random and haphazard crap in these hard drives), I quickly found a few videos. I clicked on the first one and the video began.

Rainbow made a few interested/dismissive sounds as the intro sequence gave a short spiel on the history of the event that was being recorded. “This is supposed to be cool for hyoomans? There’s just a bunch of you standing around next to those weird metal cylinders with the fake wings. How is this neat?”

“Patience, my squawky bawk-bawk. Those metal thingies are called planes. Humans use them to fly.”

“Oh yeah…” She yawned loudly and smacked her lips. “Twilight told me something like that. And… what? They actually do anything?”

Ignoring her flippant tone, I asked, “You like the Wonderbolts, right?”

She chuckled. “Course, dude, those guys are the best in all of Equestria! And I’m gonna be one!”

“Uh-huh, sure.” I ignored her incensed ‘hey!’ and continued. “Well, we have whole groups of stunt fliers back home, and there’s lots of events held to showcase them.” I grinned when the placard flashed up to signal the first sequence. “Let me show you my race’s version of air shows.”

A row of airplanes roared through the air on screen, multi-colored contrails sweeping behind them. Soon, the multiple separate contrails twisted into one complete tightly-knitted ribbon as the planes zipped close enough to touch each other. Rainbow’s eyes widened.

And then the real fun stuff began.

I don’t know how long the first video was, but when it ended, Rainbow had leaned so far down from her cumulonimbus perch to view the video that she had to balance herself on my shoulder to not fall over. Her ears were twitching every which way, her eyes wide and dazzling, her tail cracking like a whip in her excitement.

Aw, you jelly, little pone? Yeah, you jelly.

“Well?” I prodded, not able to keep the smug out of my voice.

Rainbow swallowed audibly. “Hyoomans can do that kind of stuff without wings? I haven’t even seen the Wonderbolts try some of that! And were they making sonic booms that whole time? Celestia’s plot was that awesome!”

“Uh-huh, so now do you admit that humans are bet-“

"Dude, you have to show me more of this stuff!”

“Wha- hey! Get your foot off there! Ack!” I sputtered and spat out a stray feather as her wings smacked against my face and her limbs awkwardly crawled over my sitting form. I grunted as she slid down and frowned heavily. “Get offa me, woman!”

“I’m not a wo-man, I’m a mare,” she said flatly. “And stop squirming, you’re making it difficult to find a good place to sit down.”

“Then don’t be, hey! Get off there!”

“Rrr, why does this chair have to be so small? Skootch back, you’re gonna knock me off.”

“I swear to every god out there, Skittles, if you don’t move your blue, furry ass I’m gonna move it for you!”

“Ah, don’t be such a foal! See? There we go!”

She beamed triumphantly at her new position between my legs. She was perched on the very edge of the lawn chair, her legs bunched up and off the ground so that she could just rock back and forth on the seat. There was maybe an inch or so between her back and my front, so close that she may as well have been sitting in my lap. Her wings were tucked in, but not so carefully that they didn’t brush up against my chest, the feathery things scratchy through my thin shirt.

“If you aren’t off this chair in the next three seconds, I’m gonna kick you so hard your ancestors will feel it,” I deadpanned.

“Pfft!” she mumbled. “You could try! Ain’t no alien monkey going to beat Rainbow Dash! Now, c’mon, show me more of this magic glass. You hyoomans may be pretty lame, but you got some really cool stuff.” She prodded at the tablet but it was unresponsive since I’d turned it off the moment she jumped me. “If youcan fly like that with those planes, then there’s no way I can’t!”

I took a deep breath and counted to five. Nope, still there. “You’re not gonna go away, are you?”

“Nope!” she chirped. “C’mooon, Neeemmmm…. We’re wasting time we could be watching!” Her tone was whiny, provoking, and every other emotion that pushed my instinct to just throw her off and smother her with her own cloud.

This… this pony. She was… was…

Ah fuck it, I liked her spunk. This was the first time she’d shown any interest in anything I’d done other than to poke fun at me, and I had to admit, despite the source, I was struggling for some form of social contact. I might’ve been an anti-social putz back home, but getting blitzed into a completely alternate dimension where humans didn’t exist had the side-effect of changing my usual priorities for determining friendlies.

Rainbow Dash may have been a bit of a bitch, but hey, I was a bit of a bastard – it fit, appropriately enough.

What the hell, it wasn’t like it could hurt me to see if she could try and emulate the stunts I showed her. Frankly, the kind of stuff I saw her do was incredible, and if she could incorporate some of the batshit crazy ingenuity humans had invented over their impressively long lifespan (at least for creatures that actively looked for new, terrifying ways to challenge their mortality) then I didn’t want to miss out on what she could accomplish.

Besides, I thought to myself as I turned the tablet back up and loaded up another video, even if she didn’t reach the heights human had already conquered, it would be interesting, if not appendix-exploding hilarious, when she failed.

Heart pounding, sweat pouring, lungs burning, body aching.

What torture was this?

What heinous acts against society and nature could I have possibly committed to be put through such deviant punishment?

The wickedly sharp blades of grass sliced into the skin of my face, arms, and legs. The gangrenous dirt rubbed into my pitiful wounds. The malevolent and accursed sun slammed down on me from that empty, hollow sky. Whereoft from cruel hell was this? To sling such arrows of sadistic delight upon my fragile form!

The horror… the horror.

“Nem, seriously, stop acting like Rarity.”

“Grandma…? Is that you…?”

But wait, grandma was in dead and in…! Noo! Get away from the light, it was red!

I grunted when Rainbow not-so-gently kicked a hoof into my ribs. I tried to shoot her a petty look of outrage, but I was too tired so it probably more came out like I was heavily constipated. She returned the volley with an annoyed purse of the lips as she stood over my collapsed body.

Around us were the happy cries and yells of various ponies gaily playing in the park. None of them were floundering in the ruined temple of their bodies. No, they had to be in good shape and take care of themselves and not relish in their bodies’ natural habit to atrophy muscle if it wasn’t used on a regular basis and-

So, yeah, maybe I was a little more out of shape than I first thought. The mild jog Rainbow had pushed me into taking to the park had left me winded, thirsty, and all-around sassy. You would think walking to get anywhere would’ve had more of an effect on my health.

“It doesn’t work when you only leave my house once a week, ya dweeb.”

And stop reading my thoughts!

“You’re talking out loud.”

…Oh, right, my tendency to talk to myself became a lot more frequent when I was tired and/or sleepy.

“Still talking…”

“Oh, shut it and help me up.”

She grabbed my outstretched hand. Eventually I made my way back to my feet. Panting, I bent over and placed my hands on my knees, greedily sucking in lungfuls of air. Christ, I didn’t think I was that bad when it came to keeping healthy. I might’ve been a little (lot) more sedentary than the majority of people on this planet, but that didn’t explain me being so goddamn tired.

Something appeared in my peripheral vision and I scrambled to catch the bottle trying to make an appointment with my face. Getting a good grip, I looked it over.

…it was a sports drink bottle. What more did I expect from it?

I glanced over at Rainbow, who had her own copy of the drink and was taking a quick sip from it. She wiped her mouth with her arm, some of the thick, milky drink dribbling along her fur, and quirked an eyebrow. “What?”

I shook the bottle. “This for me?”

Rainbow snorted back a chuckle. “Who else do you think it’s for? You didn’t bring anything of my own, and I know from personal experience that dehydration absolutely sucks if you’re not careful.”

I knew I was forgetting something. I popped the top and took a quick whiff. A medley of fruity scents mixed with sour yogurt spilled out. Shrugging, I took a chug.

The drink had the consistency of a thin smoothie, thicker than water but not enough that it clung to my tongue. It wasn’t great, a bit too bitter of an aftertaste, but it was liquid and made my dry throat somewhat bearable. I licked my lips. “Not bad.” I examined the bottle. It wasn’t branded. Instead, it seemed like a normal sports bottle that you could keep any drink in. “Where’d you get this?”

“I- Pinkie gave me the recipe. Said it was good when you were out and about and needed a quick energy boost.”

“You made this?”

“W-what?” she said defensively. “You got a problem with that? This stuff’s great when I’ve worked up a good sweat. I use it all the time when I’m taking a break from flying practice!”

A small grin worked its way to my face as Rainbow fidgeted. I wasn’t sure, but I swore I noticed a thin bead of sweat form on the tiny pony’s brow. Heh, someone was getting antsy… I shook my head. “Nah, I don’t. It’s just-“

“I can just take it back, y’know!” She made a motion to step towards me and swipe it.

“I’m good, I’m good!” I claimed.

Rainbow growled, her ears splaying back for a moment before she ran her arm against her nose. She muttered something quietly to herself and let out a small whinny. She the nodded as if coming to a decision. “Right then! Let’s get started! We’ll begin with stretches!”

“Aren’t we already beyond that?” I asked jokingly. “Don’t you usually stretch before you run?”

She waved her hand. “Eh, the jog here was more a warmup for the warmup. Had to see what I was working with before we actually tried anything.” Rainbow narrowed her eyes. “Didn’t think I’d have so much work ahead of me.”

Quickly and without mercy, a dirty and altogether unwholesome smirk splashed across her muzzle. She pounded one fist into the other hand’s open palm. “Guess that just means it’ll be all the sweeter when I break you and build you into something totally awesome!”

“…I think I need to go use the bath-“

“Get on the ground and stretch, colt!” she barked out.

“But I just got up from there…” I whined.

Rainbow walked around me and tried to put her hands on my shoulders. However, considering she was just 4+ feet, she couldn’t quite get a good enough grip on them and instead spent a couple moments slapping at them in a futile effort to push them down. I heard an angry, drawn-out chirp behind me before something roughly jabbed into the back of my knees.

Taking the nonverbal order for what it was, I lowered myself by my knees until Rainbow could properly grab my shoulders and push me the rest of the way down. Soon, I was back on my ass, my legs splayed out in front of me while Rainbow was leaning on my back, her small hands perched on my shoulder blades.

“K, so we’ll start with some basic flexibility stretches first.” Rainbow patted my back. “Now, touch your feet without bending your legs.”

I leaned forward, the tips of my fingers just making it past my kneecaps before the twinges in my buns and thighs screamed at me to stop being stupid. I grunted and leaned back to first position.

“…what the buck was that?” She did not seem amazed at my elite stretching.

“That was me trying to touch my toes.” I even matched my best when I was back in high school. Fuck yeah, I was just as in shape as back then!

“That was… Oh Celestia’s plot I have so much work to do.”

“Hey…!”

“You, shut it.” She mumbled something under her breath and I was able to make out a few words. “…fit this colt up… need stamina… we’re done with him…”

That… sounded just a tad ominous.

Rainbow snorted and I could feel her lean further on my back, so much so that I felt her muscled torso and chest meld to the contours of my back. My sweaty shirt did nothing to stop this glorious process from happening. And was I feeling- hello! Rainbow grunted, a masculine noise that still sounded feminine from the scratchy, high-pitched squeak that accompanied it.

Thank fucking god I was still too tired to even think about calling the general into action.

“Okay then,” Rainbow rasped into my ear, her warm breath tickling me. I held down the shiver that attempted to run up and down my spine. Fucking damnit hormones, this was Dash! Stop being such greedy, whiny fucks!

But she smelled so good…! Like sweat and rain and electricity!

Argh! No, no, I was stronger than this, and I wasn’t going to submit again! I was a strong, independent man who didn’t need no mare to make me all tee-hee inside!

But cute, smol girl rubbing herself on us…!

I swear, if I had to dunk myself in a tub of ice again, I was gonna-

“…so on three, k? One, two, three!”

Oh shit, she’d been talking this whole time and muh spine!

My upper body and legs formed an incredible and extremely painful U-shape as Rainbow put all her weight on my back and pushed down. With a cracking screech, my fingers shot out – past my knees, past my calves, past my ankles, past my toes even. My face made the most delightful twisted scowl as it dived into my crotch, allowing me to muffle my wails of torment.

In the hazy outskirts of my awareness, I heard Rainbow talking proudly to me. “…see? I knew you could do it! Just needed a little elbow grease and some high-class Rainbow Dash workmanship. If we keep going like this, then we’ll have ya whipped into… Nem? You okay?”

I think I may have whimpered, though that also could’ve been the sound of my soul leaving my broken body. With a Herculean effort, I popped my head out from between my legs, holding back the tears that just so wanted to flow.

Rainbow’s face was quickly turning to worry at my silence and expression. So I did the only thing I could. I raised a thumb up and croaked out, “Yeah! ‘s all good!”

Nailed it.

Rainbow let out a relieved sigh, realized she’d shown weakness, and then clamped up and got quickly to her feet. “T-that’s great then! Awesome! So… let’s keep going!” she whinnied.

Another noise like a squeaky toy dripped from my lips but I managed to stow away the majority of it with my manly toughness. With slow, methodical movements, I joined Rainbow.

I was pretty sure I'd gained a new asscrack from that one stretch but… eh, could only help with my shitposting.

…Which I couldn’t do anymore!

…I made myself sad.

Well, less time to mope around, more time to hang out with Dash! We quickly sank back into more stretching exercises, the smaller mare more than occasionally helping me out and rubbing her body allll over me. Throughout, I was able to see that she was quite limber herself; at one point, she hooked a leg around the back of her neck while standing on one leg.

The act of doing so shut me quickly when I tried to provoke her into proving she was ‘so much better than me at this.’ She just laughed and continue to trashtalk me. It was all in good fun; Rainbow loved to push my buttons whenever she could, though her fun came more at my pride’s expense than anything sensual.

Ha, Rainbow acting kinky. The though alone made me want to burst into laughter. She had as much sensuality as a cardboard cutout; as much curves as one, too!

That laughter quickly died a miserable death when she bent over in front of me, putting her head between her legs and sticking her tight booty in my face. That heavenly package of muscle and the thinnest layer of fat just staring me down, daring me to just try something, anything with it. Maybe slap it, grope it like I had with Rarity last night, even just nibbl- okay!

At the very least, while I quietly sputtered and thanked every deity known for wearing loose shorts, she didn’t seem to be aware of my laser-focused male gaze. She was still yakking up a storm while she did so and at no point did she hint she was teasing me. If she was, she’d be a lot more obvious about it.

Thankfully I managed to escape from that situation with no blows to my ego, and the morning quickly ended up in the same damn way things always did whenever Rainbow and I hung – shit talking about our own greatness.

Didn’t matter the time, place, or subject matter, it always eventually came down to who was better. This time, given the environment, it was who was the better athlete. Despite the obvious and clear winner for this particular debate (hint: it wasn’t me), I wasn’t about to go down without a fight. For every boast she made I countered with an example from my race back home. I could appropriate their triumphs and strengths as my own, right? Winning by association was a perfectly viable tactic.

There was no way Rainbow would accept that. For her, it was always one against the world, so no way would she tolerate something as duplicitous as ‘shared glory.’ As time passed, she got pissier and pissier until she finally snapped.

“Alright, there’s only one way to settle this!” Rainbow shouted.

“Just admit defeat?”

“Ha! You wish! No, there’s only one way to prove who’s the superior master race – a battle to the death!”

“Wat.”

And then Rainbow tackled me.

For a moment I was caught off guard but I quickly found myself fighting back. Soon we were both in a full-blown, knockdown, Imma-kick-yo-ass fight. As we rolled around the grassy plain, no doubt catching the attention of every pony around me, I let out a ferocious roar that was only matched by Rainbow’s neigh for bloody victory.

I just couldn’t get ahold of that blighted, airy bitch! None of her blows would actually hurt me – both from her smaller frame and not putting any actual violent intent into her punches (this was for fun; a few bloody noses and some knicks, cuts, and bruises but nothing long-lasting). However, I just couldn’t get a grasp on her nubile form. She was barely even half my size, and with her constantly squirming around I couldn’t get a firm enough grab to pull her into a submission hold. She didn’t even have enough hair for me to bitch out and yank her off me! Damn her sporty, feisty manestyle!

I let out an ‘oof’ from her kidney shot and returned the favor with a headbutt to the bottom of her chin. Rainbow reeled back from the blow and my glorious thick skullness (thank you for being a dense motherfucker), and I took the chance to gain some space. Collapsing my knees into a ball (ha, her making me stretch was ultimately her downfall!), I planted my feet on her stomach and pushed off.

Rainbow went flying off me, bouncing off the ground a couple times before quickly regaining traction and jumping to her hooves. I mirrored her, glad to finally have a chance to breathe.

She rubbed a hand against her mouth, cleaning off the thin trail of blood her cut bottom lip had made. Looking at the smear on the back of her hand, she snapped her eyes back up to me. She grinned, a feral expression that promised she was going to pay me back for that.

I beat my hands on my chest and spread my arms out, the universal gesture for, ‘come at me bro you ain’t hot shit!’

There was no need for words – only bullshit.

Something clicked in Rainbow. Her eyes narrowed as an unholy fire burst into existence, turning her magenta irises crimson with the heat and intensity of the sun. Rainbow’s wings flared behind her, she stomped a hoof into the loamy soil, a heavy and hot snort erupted from her nostrils.

My eyes widened.

She launched forward, her wings giving her dive much more power than if she’d just jumped at me. A literal rainbow exploded from her back, quickly drawing the short distance between us in the blink of an eye. Pain blossomed like a beautiful flower of bone-cracky-muscle-teary goodness within my chest.

As the world quickly fell to darkness, I was only able to make out one small cognizant thought -

Man, fuck bullshit flying horse magic.

No, really, fuck pegasi and their bullshit sky magic.

Bird horses could just ride clouds like it was nothing. Hell, Rainbow lived in a veritable mansion made out of them that she could alter to fit her every whim/need. And here I was, stuck to the blessed ground because my creator in his/hers/its ever-loving wisdom decided that he/she/it would not share the secret to avoiding terminal velocity and making an end appointment with compacted dirt and/or rock and/or somehow hard water.

But man, I wasn’t jealous in the sligh- fuck yes, I was.

Thank balls I had a purple wizard pony in my corner that could bypass all that nonsense about ‘physics’ and ‘natural order of the world’ and ‘no idiot take off that blanket and get down from that roof before I whoop your ass.’

(Pops still whooped my ass, by the by. For ‘character building.’)

So instead of having to stay on terra firma, I could also fly amongst the stars. Or the closest approximation to it without being banished by an increasingly furious sun god pony.

“Damn it, Nem, just what do you eat that makes you such a lardass?”

And do so by making a certain mouthy mare into my unofficial packmule.

I craned my head over the edge to smug at a slightly red-faced Rainbow Dash pushing up the cloud that I was sitting on. I swung my legs back and forth and reveled in the bouncy texture of the meteorological object. Man, this cloud walking spell Twilight cast on me was the shit. That it would last another couple days just made my deeply-held preconceptions all the more valid – magic was bullshit, and bullshit was magic.

I smiled cheekily. “Ah, what’s wrong, Dashie? Feeling a little tired there? You said this shouldn’t be a problem, right?”

She puffed out her cheeks and knit her eyebrows. “That was before I remembered that you weigh more than a Celestia-damned dragon!”

I snorted. “Please, I’m as svelte a hominid sexius as you’re gonna get.”

Rainbow gritted her teeth and kept pushing, choosing to spend her energy on less pointless matters than arguing with me. Eh, just meant a win in my favor. Though, yeah, just because I could sit on the cloud didn’t mean that it immediately negated my true weight. Rainbow still had to push about two hundred pounds of A-grade manbeef when she barely weighed a quarter that.

After a little more huffing and bitching between the two of us, we finally made it to the designated altitude. Low enough that I wasn’t freezing or suffocating to death, high enough that I wouldn’t immediately go splat.

Determining an optimal height to do parachuting in a world where it didn’t exist was hard – and required so many permits. Seriously, Twilight had made us sign off on so many liability waivers before she even allowed this whole insane plan to be put into motion. Not to mention she was the only magic-user who knew how to cast the cloud walking spell in the first place (Rarity had a bit of a negative reaction when asked, something about ‘muh beautiful wings’ and ‘heights, never again’).

Still, I had the ability to get high up without needing a blimp or anything, a parachute and back-up handcrafted by the fashion pony (you’d never seen anyone quite so dazzled by daredevil/safety equipment), and a big pink landing spot to aim for (where did Pinkie keep all that washable paint?). I was willing, ready, and able, so let’s this party starte-

Oh wow I was high up.

Hello, bladder, didn’t think you were going to make an appearance. No, no, I was good, no need to soil my shorts; I was sure the lovely squish mark I was about to make on the grass far, far below would do a good enough job of that.

Oh sweet heavens this seemed like a much better idea before I realized how tiny everything looked from way up here.

The sounds that crept from between my lips were reminiscent of a dog about to be spritzed by a water bottle for ruining the carpet yet again. I could feel my butt clenching and giving me a negative space wedgie.

Everything clenched when someone laid a hand on my shoulder. Resisting the urge to jump and therefore start my presumably very short trip down, I twisted my head. Rainbow floated next to me, her face still a little scrunchy but with more concern than ire.

“Hey, you okay there?”

I laughed nervously. “Uh, yeah, sure! I’m great!”

She quirked an eyebrow.

“I’m not gonna die, right?”

Rainbow sighed. “Dude, really?”

“Look, I just have a little cold feet, okay? Perfectly normal for a land-based species!”

“Pinkie doesn’t seem to have any problems when she’s ballooning.”

“Pinkie is an insane bundle of crazy happy fun time and should never be used as a baseline for rational thought.”

Rainbow rolled her eyes. Leaning forward, she rested her chin on my shoulder. Her lips curled up in a cheeky grin. Absently, I noted her wing brushing against my side opposite to her, her primaries deftly flicking my ear. “Aww… is the big monkey scared? I thought your race already conquered the skies back home? That is, unless all those videos you showed me were a big fib.”

“Girl, I will take you over my knee if you don’t stop mocking the proud and easily insulted apelien.”

She wrapped her arms around my shoulders, resting her chin further onto me. Damn was her tuft comfy. Like a big, ol’ warm pillow that made me see red at times from her assery (and her ass damnit not into ponies fuck). “Seriously, though, big guy, don’t you trust me?”

Her voice was soft and demure, though I could hear the lilt of trolling in it. I glanced out of the corner of my eye. Her face was set in a lazy grin, her ears flicking back and forth. Bright pink irises looked back with great care and precious promises of future mockings. I groaned and patted the hand lightly skimming over my chest.

“Rainbow, there’s a lot of things I don’t trust you with – my money, being on time, letting you near any kind of cooking implement…” The mare was worse than Rarity’s little sister and the cream-colored filly set juice boxes on fire (just, hand her a perfectly functional drink and, *poof*, into flames).

Rainbow’s eyes darkened as I continued the laundry list of her flaws, her hands ceasing their aimless wanderings and inching closer to my unguarded throat. She halted suddenly, though, when I gave her a winning smile.

“But there’s no one I trust more to catch me when I fall. After all, who better to save me than the fastest pegasus in all of Equestria?”

For some odd, strange reason, a blush worked its way across her face. She startled and let go of me with a very un-Rainbow-like squeak, quickly holding her hands to her chest. Huh, the hell was that about? Before I could ask if she was okay, a shaky grin wormed into her lips, and she nickered awkwardly.

“A-ahahaha, yeah! Of course! Who else, right?” She said nothing for a moment, closed her eyes, and shook her head. “Yeah, yeah, I got it.” Rainbow opened her eyes and stared at me. There was a sparkle there I both recognized and did not, a hint of her boisterous attitude and something more… hidden. She let out a chirping bark and bared her teeth. “Good colt! So we got no problems?”

You… Yeah, I actually felt a lot better now. There was still that undercurrent of anxiety but it didn’t feel like a roaring river of madness and strife anymore. Plus, my shorts were high and dry! I was all good! I nodded my head like a madman.

I slapped the straps of my parachute bundle and laughed. “Yup, good to go!”

“Alright then! Now… go fall with style!”

And then she was shoving me and I was falling as the wind whistled in my ears. My face twisted from blank shock to a rictus of mixed terror and rage.

“You feathery biiiitcchhh…!”

The sky exploded with rainbows. Only this time, they were chasing me.

Did anyone get the call number of that Boeing 747? Because I needed to issue it a citation for flying way too fast at dangerously low altitudes in a populated area.

Also for nearly caving my chest in.

Fucking owwwww…

My ribs groaned from the impact and my cheeks stung from the frequents swats being applied to them.

Wait, why did my cheeks hurt? Was someone slapping a bitch? Me being the bitch in case that wasn’t obvious.

My vision swam as I tried to take back awareness from the haze of pain and goofiness that threatened to consume me. Unfortunately, I could only just make out a distorted swath of blue on a slightly lighter map of blue. Though why the smaller blue was wearing a rainbow clown wig I didn’t know.

Despite feeling like the world was made of cotton and had shoved itself into my ears, mouth, and whatever other open orifices I had, my ears somehow managed to discern something from the environment, though it was fragmented and floating in and out of my focus.

“C’mon, Ne…ke up! …uck, didn… to hit him…o hard. Girls ar…ill me. Now he’s never…erd with us. Oh pony…eathers, why’d I have to… everything up! Calm down, sister, just… Ugh, wake up!”

Another flash of pain on my right cheek finally brought the world back into focus, the horizon tilting and snapping into place with a sudden rush of colors, shapes, sounds, and smells. The first thing I noticed that indeed someone was slapping a bitch. Rainbow was on top of me, smacking my face with the panic only a person who had unintentionally knocked a fucker out could manage. She was biting her lower lip hard enough that it almost drew blood and her eyes were wide and just the tiniest bit bloodshot.

“Big guy, you in there? C’mon, stallion, don’t wuss out on me!” she blurted, struggling to hold back the worry in her tone. She lightly slapped my face again.

Goddamn it, Skittles. Only she’d think it was a smart idea to heal an injured person by injuring them in completely new ways. Probably assumed that if I was in pain somewhere else, I wouldn’t pay as much attention to the initial pain.

It did not work like that, rainbow candy pone. I groaned, though if from the pain or from Rainbow’s somehow charming ignorance I didn’t know. Probably both.

The blue mare perked up at my reaction to her wake-up call. “Oh, great!” She heaved a heavy, relieved sigh. “You’re up. Buck, colt, you had me real worried there!” She closed her eyes and moved her hands to my collar, a shaky smile rising to her lips. “I didn’t think you were that much of a wimp, getting knocked out like that.”

My eye twitched. Here I was, victim of this arrogant mare’s inability to dial back her rambunctious playstyle, and she was giving meshit? Why did I hang out with her again? And why did I even think this ‘date’ with her was going to be any different from my usual get-togethers?

Rainbow’s lips trembled and I felt her relax on my stomach, the tension from her form flowing out of her. I didn’t even notice how stiff she was until this moment. The hands on my collar tightened into fists for a brief moment before also relaxing.

Ugh... I was way too kind for my own good. Though maybe not that forgiving...

“Dash,” I coughed, my throat hoarser than I thought it would be.

She opened her eyes and again there was this hint of worry in them. I assumed it was from the shakiness of my calling her name. Good, I wanted her to feel sorry. Crazy bird horse. She leaned forward. “Hey, you okay there? Didn’t hit you that hard, right?”

“Need to tell you something…” Again, there was a scratchiness to my words that nearly rivalled Rainbow’s own rasp and I had to take a deep breath that almost threatened to cut itself off. How messed up were my lungs?

She leaned closer. “What is it?”

“You… I…” My voice grew fainter as I licked my lips.

With a hitch of breath, Rainbow leaned even closer, putting her swiveling ear to my mouth. “Seriously, Nem, what?”

With a rattling gasp that smoothly transitioned to deep baritone, I uttered, “You done fucked up, pone.”

I activated my trap card.

Even with my limbs still feeling like freshly mashed jelly, I snaked my arms around Rainbow’s form and pulled her tightly against me. She gave a grunting gasp of surprise as I locked her up, my limbs hooked under and over her armpits and below her wings in a pseudo-reverse full Nelson so she couldn’t get the leverage needed to escape. With a harsh barking laugh, both my hands grasped the back of her head, tangling themselves in her shortly-cropped hair.

Rainbow’s eyes shot open at the realization of what I was about to do. She stared into mine, her teeth gritted. “I swear to Faust, if you even think of-“

“Too late!”

She let out a muffled cry of dismay and rage as I buried her face into the crook of my neck and began to furiously rub my knuckles with both hands into her skull. Rainbow fiercely struggled to escape my deviant act of torture, her angry shouts muted by my improvised gag.

That’s it! Fear the double ultra noogie, woman!

“Damn it, you moron!” she mumbled-yelled. Her tiny fists rapped on my skull and sides, but even with all her muscles, the power that her small frame could muster barely fazed me. Even her wings attempted to strike at me, but they couldn’t find the right angle to beat at me with. She might’ve been master of the skies, but the ground was my domain! “You rutting let go of me ‘fore I kick your plot to Tartarus and back!”

“This’ll only get worse the more you struggle!” I wiggled a leg around hers as it bashed on the ground in an attempt to gain enough purchase to push her off me. “Now, take your punishment like a mare!”

She screeched my name with enough obscenities to darken the skies like a surprise squall. If I was of sound enough mind, I would’ve been worried that I was garnering the attention and concern of everyone within a hundred-meter radius as the two of us struggled against each other. But nope, I was focused more on laying the smackdown on this smol pegasus who dared to challenge my greatness and had to now pay the tremulous penalty.

Then again, it probably wouldn’t have mattered enough anyway. The amount of times Rainbow and I had gotten into fights in the middle of the streets (all in good, clean fun, by the by) was enough that the town guard just wrote the two of me up after the fact so that my scuffles didn’t take up precious ponypower and resources. Hell, I think there was even a code for my antics.

A 337 – apelien and tie dye horse kerfuffle – if I remembered correctly.

Man did we get along like a house on fire – in all the fun ways!

Eventually, Rainbow did succumb to my not-so-tender ministrations if her ceasing struggles and reduced-to-mumbling curses were anything to go by. She did still punch me occasionally, but it felt like it was more out of principal than actual intent to harm. It was a good thing, too – my knuckles were already pretty red and chafed from the absolute monster of a noogieing I’d given her. Any longer and I’d start rubbing to the bone!

With a trembling laugh, I released the tiny pegasus and fully collapsed onto the ground. Ohhh… so much of me ached in ways I didn’t think possible. I was going to sleep the rest of the day away wrapped around a gallon of ice cream if my screaming muscles were any indication. Hey, it was comfort food and a convenient icing method!

“I’m gonna be so sore after this.”

Huffing, Rainbow put her hands to my shoulders and pushed herself up. Her face was flushed and her breathing slightly forced. “I… am going… to break you,” she choked out.

My head lolled back, I glanced at her out of the bottom of my eyes. Her lips were half-caught between a grim smile and a ferocious snarl. Her ears were flattened against the side of her head, her hair stuck up in all directions from my manhandling, her wings at full extension, and her tail whipped from side to side. She looked like she was going to bite my head off if I even tried to say anything smartassed.

So of course I did.

“Aw, Skittles, don’t be such a sore loser! I can’t help it that I’m just so much more awesome. You’ll get another chance… maybe when I’m off my game or something.”

Her hands once again found their way to my collar. Though this time, she roughly yanked me up so that I was face-to-snout with her. Warm breath burst against me as she made angry horse noises. “Don’t… think this is over. I am not… gonna let you go anytime soon.”

…why did she have to make this so easy sometimes? I inched my mouth closer and, in a loud stage-whisper, said, “Really, Dashie, in public? Ponies are watching… with little foals!”

It was then that Rainbow fully realized just where and how we were positioned – in the middle of a busy, public park with her straddling me in skimpy work-out clothes that were disheveled and half-off our bodies from the rolling around. The two of us, sweaty and ruddy from exertion, breathing heavily, so close we could taste the other’s breath. It was only helped along when a few ponies felt it appropriate to whistle and make catcalls and parents covered their children’s eyes from the depravity that assaulted their innocence.

Rainbow suddenly stopped breathing and went absolutely still. If possible, her wings reached out even more, stiff enough that they could probably cut diamond. The fierce blush on her cheeks spread even further, staining her chest and shoulders a lovely light lavender as it melded with her fur. I always did enjoy teasing her on her romantic and/or kinky endeavors (or rather, lack thereof present company excluded), and it seemed that I had succeeded with flying colors (ha) once again if her stunned demeanor was any indication.

My mirth at the once again reversal of her dominance waned when I realized she was vibrating ever so slightly. It was nice to finally be the one on top (well, not literally in this situation) after getting spanked so thoroughly on the last few dates, but the small peeps coming from Rainbow made me slowly reconsider that maybe I had pushed the weather pony too far. This was… so very not-Rainbow Dash-like.

“Uh, Dash? You okay the-“

“Okay gotta go really had fun need to do this again k thanks bye!”

With a burst of polychromatic wonder and an ‘oof’ as I was propelled back into the ground, Rainbow flew off, an especially bright rainbow trail following after her. I carefully picked myself back up to a sitting position and brushed myself off.

…Maybe I’d teased her a bit too much? I didn’t think I had pushed her so hard as to make her run away. Then again, I only really poked fun at her flirting/dating habits when it was just the two of us (and even then it was a sorta dick if effective counter), so doing so in such an open area was probably pushing the boundaries of good taste.

Great, now I felt like a jackass. Here she’d taken me out in good faith and I treated it like any other outing and now she was most likely super-embarrassed because I couldn’t put a filter on my mouth and…

Out of nowhere, Rainbow popped up in front of me again. She wasn’t blushing nearly as hard as before but she could still give Fluttershy a run for her money, and her breathing, while steadier, was still fairly uneven and ragged. Before I could say anything, an apology or off-color joke to take the edge off the atmosphere, she snorted huffily

“Jerk.”

And then she was leaning down and pressing her lips roughly against mine - a tight-lipped and hard ambush of affection that was clumsy and awkward and warm as all hell. I didn’t even have the time to react before it was over and she had a clump of my shirt wound up in her fist, her eyes permanently affixed to the ground.

“I’ll get you next time a-and we’ll see who’s boss.”

With a colored flash, she was off again, leaving me wondering and amused and surprised and delighted. So maybe she wasn’t nearly as pissed off as I suspected her to be if that’s the kind of farewell she left me with. Also, I wasn’t rendered a confused and perplexed mess despairing the bloody end of a social death!

Go me!

Some more whistles caught my attention. Oh right, I still had somewhat of an audience. Giving a half-hearted wave at the grinning ponies who’d witnessed my strange and alien ‘courtship rituals,’ I found my way back to my feet and gave a quick stretch, bending backwards to work out the kinks from my impromptu wrestling match.

Slightly off balance, I wasn’t able to avoid the burning scroll that burst into existence and flopped onto my unguarded face. I sneezed loudly as the spicy ash of dragon fire invaded my nostrils and flapped my hand in front of my face to wave away any hovering dregs. This gained a few more laughs and nickers from the surroundings ponies enjoying my one-man comedy act. Laughing sardonically, I picked up the new directive and gave it a read.

“I really hope that you’re still alive and not too broken after this date. As much as I love Rainbow, I know she can be a bit… turbulent when she decides to go all-out. And dear filly, was she raring to go when she heard she had to wait till the later half of the order. Listen, you didn’t hear this from me, but I’ve never seen her more nervous than when she was planning her date with you. I know Rainbow’s the epitome of baseless confidence but this time-“

A lot of scratched out text followed. In fact, it looked like someone else had grabbed the quill and tried to mark out every word it could reach before steadier hands took hold again.

“Ahem! Sorry about that, letter got a bit away from me. In any case, you have another break before your next date. You won’t have to worry until tomorrow afternoon, and even then, it will be fairly lowkey compared to the ones you’ve recently embarked upon. Just dress casually and be prepared for a quiet evening. Have a good rest! And make sure to get your work done; I’ll know if you’re slacking off!”

Yours Truly,
With love,
Love,
Twilight”

There was the beginning of a heart doodle next to her name before it was hastily scribbled out. I raised an eyebrow at the clear sign of overt aborted affection. Really, just who did that girl think she was fooling? Even my dense ass was putting together the puzzle pieces that was this convoluted ‘friendship’ experiment.

The only question was – what was I going to do about it? I wasn’t lying to myself at the end of my date with Pinkie that I going to hold off on confronting Purple Smart about the whole debacle until every date was over and done with, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t going to at least mull over the haphazard events. There was a lot more going on than Twilight purported.

These weren’t just practice dates, that much was obvious. There was no way that the girls were going to be this forward with me unless something else was being planned in the shadows. Was this an actual courting attempt by these ponies? And if it was, what did they expect to happen by throwing themselves at me until I ended up picking one?

Oh god, was I in some twisted, kinkier version of The Pony Bachelor? Considering what I’d done with (to) Rarity last night, had I inadvertently already made my choice?

But wait, no, there’s no way those girls would make some kind of competition over some weirdo alien, especially with how close they were. Even if-

Fuck, my brain wasn’t equipped to handle emotional computations of this level. Hell, I hadn’t even considered dating in any real respect in this world until Twilight literally dropped it into my lap with all the subtlety of a raging manticore. How could I possibly assume any of this could lead to something meaningful when I-

…you know what? I needed a drink. The warm, hazy cloud of inebriation was the perfect mental condition needed for employing my brain smarts and would surely give me the perspective indispensable in solving this frustratingly insane mystery.

And I knew exactly where to get it. Time to visit a rockin’ mute of a brazen bitch. I just hoped she was actually awake at… I took a gander at my watch.

Eleven in the morning? …eh, 50-50 chance then. I puffed out my chest and marched my way out of the park and towards downtown.

To booze and jams!

Author's Notes:

[Edited 1/21/18]

And there's the Rainbow and another doozy of a chapter done. Hopefully this monster makes up for my lateness. This has definitely been the hardest chapter for me thus far, as Rainbow Dash is my least favorite of the Mane 6 and therefore the most difficult for me to have a definite hold on her personality. Eventually I just decided on mixing the Rainbro of the early 2010s with just enough awkward girl to make it interesting. I think I gave her enough credit, but, eh, tell me if I didn't. Also, SO hard for me not to just stick in a, "N-not like I was w-worried about you, i-idiot!"

Interlude chapter up next, so it'll both be shorter and easier for me to write. After that, two more dates and the final chapter of the first arc. Here's hoping it all goes well!

Till next time, criticism appreciated!