"You might think this kind of relationship is a bit odd. Maybe you’ve only ever been in one-on-one romances before and the thought of sharing your loved one with others makes you a bit skittish. To that I say, stop being a sorry sack of horseapples! Herds only work if each pony cares just as much about each other or at least accepts the fact that you can have more than one special somepony. Just remember, be open to new things and work towards a common goal. It’s worth it in the end.”

“Do we really have to do this? I’m not in the mood.”

“Look, buster, you promised to continue these weekly sessions, and in return we’d forget all about the whole cake fiasco.”

“It’s not my fault! Who keeps nitroglycerin in their baking supplies!”

“Pinkie does, and you should learn to read labels before you just slop things together! Especially when you’re helping to bake for the welcoming ceremony of a foreign dignitary! I though the griffon ambassador would declare war specifically on Ponyville!”

I crossed my arms in front of me and sunk deeper into the overstuffed chair, a scowl etched on my face. Across from me and mirroring the same expression was an anthropomorphic horse, or ‘pony’ as they liked to be called.

Sure as hell didn’t look like a pony. Not if ponies normally stood on two legs, had fur the color of lavender, wings that could beat a man to death, and a pigsticker of a horn jutting out from their forehead. Though this specific type was called an ‘alicorn,’ as opposed to the earth, pegasus, and unicorn varieties. Oh, right, and she was also a princess. Of friendship, I might add.

How the hell did friendship have royalty anyway? Never mind, the insanity of this world wasn’t worth it.

Princess Purple glared at me before her features softened and she leaned back. She pushed her small pair of spectacles back up her muzzle and tapped her clipboard on her knee. “Look, I know you don’t enjoy these, but they’re the best way for us to learn about each other. It’s still only been about a year since you arrived and there’s so much more we can share. So please, for me, don’t be such a jerk?”

I stared at her, brows furrowed. The two of us were sitting in the mare’s study, surrounded by a sea of books, charts, graphs, and whiteboards. Wherever I gazed had various formulas, dissertations, and lists written, most of which had some mention of me or my race in some manner. The girl really had gone all out with trying to compile all she could about me and my culture, and the fruits of her effort showed. There was enough here to rival a small wing in any library. Ironic, considering she lived in one.

Said mare was sitting up with perfect posture in a scholar’s outfit of blouse, skirt, and labcoat, her pink-purple gradient hair wrapped up in a loose bun. Though as usual for her, there were quite a few unbound and issy strands, several framing her face like she'd just woken up. One of her legs crossed on top of the other, and she occasionally pulled her skirt down when she shifted them so she wouldn’t inadvertently flash me.

She failed. Cute dragon panties, by the way.

“…I had another Derpy incident.”

She winced, feather quill scratching on the paper. “And what happened?”

“What else? She crashed through my window while delivering the mail.”

She relaxed. “That doesn’t sound too b-“

“Then she smashed open my oven, which somehow turned the heat on, and made it flamethrower my fridge.” My frown deepened. “My oven isn’t gas-powered. There’s nothing to ignite”

“Well, maybe it’s a bit-“

“Then she tried to help put out the fire by using the hose extension on my sink but yanked too hard and snapped it off so it sprayed water everywhere and now my kitchen’s flooded.”

“Well at least the fridge was no longer burn-“

“Then the sink caught on fire.”

“Oh, come on!” Her eyes twitching, she tossed the clipboard up into the air. There it levitated, caught in a sparkling aura of purple. The same aura shone from the mare’s horn, letting off wisps of purple like that of a flame.

I smiled darkly. “Like I said, Twilight, not really in the mood.”

Twilight Sparkle, element of magic and princess of friendship, sunk her face into her hands and groaned deeply. Yeah, I felt the exact same way.

It’d been a little over a year since I’d randomly arrived in this crazy pastel world of furries. One night I went to sleep in my single-story house out in the boondocks, and when I woke up I and my house had been transported like some cracked version of the twister from the Wizard of Oz. No reason, nothing out of the ordinary to herald such a thing, I hadn't even been shaken out of my bed as I was dropped in.

Just poof, and now I was surrounded by really friendly if flighty ‘ponies.’ Also, I was stuck with them, because not a single person could tell I how the fuck I got here, and they sure as hell couldn't tell me how to get home.

At least I still had electricity, water, and the metric shit-ton of digital entertainment I’d downloaded before I was cut-off from the glory that was the internet (digital piracy, ho!). Thank god I’d had the foresight to buy that portable generator. Or maybe it was just because I was tired of losing power every time some drunk asshole plowed into the power pole at the corner of my block. Freaky that I used gems to fuel it now but hey, I wasn’t going to look a gifthorse(pony) in the mouth. Being trapped in Ponyland was bad enough; being trapped in Ponyland without the ability to artificially rot my mind and soul would be torture.

Somehow my house had been displaced right on the border of some place called the EverfreeForest. Not so luckily, the Everfree was apparently known for housing some rather dangerous creatures that would just as soon maul me to death then eat me before I even had a chance to react in pants-wetting terror. Actually luckily, I had also been deposited just a ways away from the populated town of Ponyville.

Ponyville. Fuck was that a bad pun. Just like every other city name – Canterlot, Manehatten, Baltimare, Las Pegasus. I wasn’t sure whether it was saccharinely stupid or just egocentric, but why did the citizens have to make horse puns out of everything?

What if I lived in a town like Humanberg or Manville? …actually, that sounded like all kinds of hilarious; forget whatever bullshit I was spewing.

Also somehow, this town was home to literal national heroes – ponies that had saved not only the country but also the world multiple times from their versions of Cthulhu, Caligula, and other infamous individuals who I wasn’t bothering to look up. And one of these legends was sitting in front of me right now, recently ascended to pseudo-godhood like she’d beaten enough rivals in a Pokémon battle.

Wait, was that how it worked? Seemed a bit too straightforward to me. Maybe I should just start calling her Twilightmon. No, wait, wrong game. Maybe…

“Terra to mister human, Terra to mister human, come in…”

I knocked myself out of my random introspection to find Twilight snapping her fingers in my face. She’d gotten up from her seat and was now standing bent over in front of me. I blinked.

“Say, when you turned into a princess, did you start glowing and blinking rapidly?”

Her eyebrows quirked. “What?” She crossed her arms in front of her and straightened up, lips pursed as she glared down at me. “Is this another weird human ritual you haven’t told me about yet?”

“Just trying to figure out what your super evolved form would be.”

She put a hand to her face and sighed. “Just where does your mind go where nopony can follow?”

I smirked. “Somewhere awesome.”

Twilight sighed again. “Look, I understand that today must have been trying. But I’m sure that once we dip into the Derpy Restoration Fund, your house will be back in tiptop shape. Until then, it’s just you and me for right now. So relax, and I’m sure the time will pass quickly.”

I glanced at her, brows further drawn down before I let out my own sigh and relaxed. She was right, of course. This wasn’t the first time something like this had happened and it unfortunately wouldn’t be the last. The best I could do was just roll with the flow.

I flicked my eyes up at her. Twilight looked back down, trying to appear stern and authoritative but failing as I noticed her nibbling lightly on her bottom lip. I smiled. “You know, Sparky, for being such an anal spaz, you still give some good advice sometimes.”

She ignored the backhanded part of my compliment. She preened and placed a hand to her chest, raising her chin up proudly as she closed her eyes. “Well, I am the top researcher in the field of friendship after all.”

Yeah… As if that could really be quantitatively proven. Though I had seen a long formulaic equation supposedly denoting the alchemical formula for the chemicals that induced feelings of camaraderie in others somewhere in her mess of a lab, so I guess she had somewhat of an idea on the subject… Probably…? Maybe…?

Oh screw it, let her have her fun. I waved my hand in a wide gesture. “Very well, oh wise and mighty princess, let’s see what dirty secrets I can wrangle out of me today.”

She huffed. “I don’t have to make it sound so risqué! It’s not like I’m asking about anything unethical.”

“Oh?” I asked, brow quirked up.

She stiffened, her face guarded. “W-what?”

“And when you had me look up those grey-or-whatever books, that was-“

“That was just to compare our two world’s tastes and styles in literature!” she barked out, her face turning red underneath her fur. “I just wanted to see what possible differences occurred due to the divergent nature of our evolution and culture. It most certainly had nothing to do with enjoying the tawdry scribblings of an uncivilized jackanape whose idea of romantic intimacy involve sadomasochistic fantasies that would only fulfill the dirty romanticizing of a lonely mare with nothing better to do her life!”

There was a beat in the conversation’s rhythm. “So you don’t want me to transcribe the latest book for your-“

“I never said that!” she let out in a high-pitched scream.

I just stared at her. Her entire face was scarlet mixed with purple now, and she refused to break eye contact, like a frog who just couldn’t break away from the snake that was about to devour it. Or a deer in the headlights of an oncoming semi.

Or a frustrated scientist who liked her smutty romance novellas a little too much.

“…Normal delivery and acquisition rates apply.”

“Agreed,” she said quickly. Her hooves scuffed on the wooden floor as she unknowingly pawed at it.

I said nothing for a moment before bursting out into laughter. As I wiped a tear away, Twilight relaxed, all of her tension running out from her shoulders and wings. I shook my head briefly.

“All right, Sparky, just let it all out. Not like I’m gonna treat you any different because you read porn.”

“It’s not porn!” she bit out. “It’s… it’s…”

“Smut? Fetish fuel? Clop material for lonely housemares?”

“Just, I… just shut up, ok? Celestia, why do you have to be such a jerk all the time?”

I shrugged. “I dunno, cause you’re really fun and cute to tease?”

She stopped short of saying something. Her blush, which had receded just moments earlier, was now back with a vengeance. She stuttered, trying to get something out, but struggled vainly before turning on her hoof and walking back over to her chair. She sat down with more force than usual, pulling and straightening out her skirt and blouse. She took a few deep breaths while I watched in amusement before clearing her throat, fist to mouth.

Twilight tapped her quill on the clipboard. She didn’t look at me, but her blush had waned to a light smattering on her cheeks. “Very well, let’s continue from where we last left off.”

I leaned back and stretched out my arms with a light grunt. “I don’t know why you keep insisting on asking me about my world. I gave you more or less full access to my computer. Can’t you trawl its archives on your own?”

“While that is very useful,” she started, pushing up her glasses again. “There is only so much I can learn from the writings of others. From my time learning about the intricacies of friendship, I have come to understand that sometimes I must seek a more informal way of gathering knowledge. Talking to you, by all my accounts an average human, if a bit foulmouthed and filthy minded,” she muttered the last part under her breath but loud enough for me to hear, “allows me to greater comprehend just how the natural thought processes of humans play out.” She aimlessly scratched on her clipboard. “Though I feel I could bypass some of the more banal information if you just allowed me to view your records of these so-called ‘forums.’”

“The pony world is not prepared for 4-chan,” I proclaimed gravely.

“And when will it be?” she asked in exasperation.

“When you show Discord an untouched piece of land and tell him to, ‘go wild.’”

She shuddered. Yeah, I could see why. Discord was more or less the ultimate troll. Allowing ponies to come into contact with thousands if not millions of lesser versions of the chaos incarnation (even if it was only in a archival format) and not given a way to seal and/or destroy them would bring pony society to its knees…. And then have a gay/mom/cuck taunt thrown in their collective faces.

Giving one last shiver, Twilight readjusted her glasses and ran a hand down the back of her mane, inadvertently plucking out a few more strands of hair from her bun. “Very well, we’ll come back to that subject matter at a later date.” She flipped back and forth through a few pages. “As I recall, we last left off with human reproductive issues and how they varied across culture, race, and religion.” Her face grew dark. “Then you showed me a poorly shot and directed amateur film on one of your country’s lesser celebrities’ misguided and inebriated rutting sessions.”

I grinned at the memory. The way she’d almost fainted and fluffed out her wings was totally worth the magical stun blast I got in retaliation. “Hey, you said you wanted to know about the ‘common man.’ That was the best I could think of for indicating the lowest common denominator’s general conception of mindless sex.”

“Do you want another blast to the face?”

“Sounds like the princess is taking advantage of her royal status to threaten the poor, innocent human.”

Twilight scrunched up her muzzle and a few strands of hair poinged out in different directions. Christ, was she easy to rile up. Just a big ol’ ball of neuro-

“Nemo Outis Nobody!”

Goddamn it, she knew I hated it when anyone used my full name. I curse the immigration officer on Ellis Island who thought it’d be funny to literally translate my ancestor’s surname (it wasn’t even from the same language). Really, it was just another reminder that my family bloodline was just one long succession of each child deciding to make their offspring an inevitable troll, before the word actually meant that.

Thank god being trapped here meant I wasn’t about to have any kids, or else I’d name the poor bastard Anon or something out of pure spite.

Figuring that I was taking things too far (and so she’d stop looking at me like she was), I put both my hands up in a placating motion. “Sorry, Sparky, sorry. Just fucking with ya. I’ll be good, promise.”

Her eye twitched a couple times. “Really?”

I held two fingers to my temple. “Scout’s honor.” Course, I was never really a scout, but she didn’t know that.

The electrified hair settled down and the twitch slowly went away. Twilight took another deep, calming breath. “Very well, if you’re done with being a savage, we can continue.” She began writing notes. “What are humans' thoughts on dating?”

I tilted my head. “It’s… fine, I guess?”

She shook her head. “No, no. How does courtship work in your culture? Is the male or female more dominant in the socioeconomical structure of romantic excursions? Do you initiate mating dances or calls to attract potential mates? If so, what does it entail? What is considered attractive in your race? Appearance, wealth, power, the ability to shape the very fabric of reality? Are you friends first before lovers, or do you just grab one you are attracted to and claim them as your own? How do you determine if the one you are with is your… very special… somehuman?”

I blinked at the deluge of questions. I was used to Twilight throwing stuff at me like she was on a perpetual sugar rush. Hell, it’d gotten to the point where I'd actually learned how to compartmentalize her interrogations and parse them out into intelligent answers. But something about this was… different. She seemed more gung-ho but also more hesitant about what the answers would be.

Also, the fact that she was not drilling her eyes into my soul with sparkly glee like she normally did during these exchanges set off several alarm bells.

I scratched my jaw. “That’s… really kinda hard to say. There are dozens, hundreds, even thousands of cultures back home, and every single one of them is completely different.”

“Well, try then. Just explain a few of the ones that you’re most familiar with.”

So, I did. For the next several hours I talked about most of the western culture-influenced romances I knew about, with some of the eastern cultures for good measure. Frequently, Twilight would interrupt for clarification or to try and draw an analogy by comparing it to the culture of ponies or other races from this world. All the while, she wrote down page after page of notes. Full ones floated off the clipboard to be bound in packets while fresh sheets found their way onto either the clipboard she was holding or one of several that were floating around her that were also being written on.

More than once she made a reference to the menagerie of romance novels she had in the library, including the ones that I knew weren’t meant for public consumption. Each time I teased her, but since she was in her research mania she simply took it in stride, though not without an occasional embarrassed laugh or blush.

“So!” she punctuated with a flourish of her quill. “Much like the information you gave me about how your social hierarchy works, it would seem like things are more patriarchy-based in terms of romantic aggression amongst your species, though of course there are the occasional outliers.”

A rough assessment of my explanations, but considering I was just spouting off half-remembered wiki articles interspersed with the most common clichés I could think of from films and books, it was good enough for government work.

I shrugged. "Sounds about right."

"Okay, and what about your personal assessment of courtship?"

I blinked at her. "My what?"

Twilight nibbled at the end of the quill, her eyes locked onto the clipboard. "How do you feel about dating in regards to your own wants and desires?"

"Uhh..." I glanced up and to the left. I crossed my arms, my tone unsure. "It's... okay? I'm not really sure what you want to hear."

She glimpsed up. "You haven't given it any thought?"

"Sparky, I wasn't in a relationship for a while before I arrived here. I'm a bit rusty. Besides, not like me wanting to date now would make any difference."

She frowned. "What do you mean? Aren't you interested in finding a special somepony?"

"Who the hell would I even start with? Besides..." I leaned back and stretched out my arms. "It's not like I'm into banging ponies."

I heard something clink. I looked back to see that Twilight had dropped her quill on the floor, the metal nib clacking nosily. She was still, horror and despair splashed across her face. I blanched. The hell was up with her?

When she noticed that I was staring at her, Twilight hurriedly picked up the quill, almost dropping it a couple times as she scrambled to calm herself. She failed, instead raising her clipboard to cover her face. Okay, now I was really worried at her reaction. All I said was that I wasn't into furries. Why would that strike fear into her?

"So..." I heard her gulp loudly, her voice trembling. "You're not attracted to ponies?"

I shook my head. "Not really."

"But don't you tend to call us cute?"

"Well, sure, ‘cause you guys are freaking adorable." With their slightly larger and expressive eyes, a muzzle that was just long enough to give them an otherworldly appearance, and ears that acted as the most obvious emotional barometer ever, ponies (and most of the other races in general, even the changelings) would take the internet by storm. "But I don't exactly find you sexy."

...okay, so that was a bald-faced lie. Despite the fact ponies could fall squarely into the uncanny valley at times, their actual bodies were...

I wasn’t sure whether it was their diet, the friggin' magic that infused everything, or if this world's creator was just that much of deviant, but the creatures here had the 'healthiest' bodies I'd ever seen. Even the ones that were considered less than average were still in the top ten percent of anything I'd find back home. Sure, they had just a wide variety of structures as humans did, but even their extremes were always just short of being anorexic or obese; they were instead either gracefully slim or pleasantly plump and they were all attractive to that reptilian section of my hindbrain.

Damn it, why did awesome boobs, butts, and legs have to be universal?

Even Twilight, with her doughtier curves from always cooping herself in her lab, still managed to turn my head when she walked past me in that gleeful yet nervous prance of hers, and the amount of times I snuck a peak when she was bent over looking for something were higher than I felt comfortable with. She had a great ass that jiggled just the tiniest bit and fuck I wasn’t into furries fucking hell!

Great, now I was thinking about ponies that way and it was all Purple Spergle's fault! I needed an excuse to leave before I said something stupid that wasn't on purpose.

Unfortunately for me, Twilight had locked onto something and wasn't going to let me go until she'd dissected the problem to her satisfaction.

"W-well," Twilight said, regaining her composure and adjusting her glasses. A terrifying glint of light (of SCIENCE!) bounced off the lens. "Even if you aren’t attracted to ponies physically, surely you don't want to live the rest of your life alone?"

She glanced off to the side. "I'd hate to bring it up, but you do know that we have no viable way of sending you, or even finding your way, back home." Her face drooped, soft snorts accompanying her falling expression.

I sighed. "Sparky, you don't have to feel sorry for me. I know you tried my best." And really, she had. When it finally became clear I wasn’t leaving, her expression almost made me want to comfort her instead of lash out at the realization I was stuck.

Course, I did still punt Owlicious through the window right after but that was for an entirely different reason. Little bastard shouldn't have used my shoes as a pellet receptacle.

"I know that, but it's still unfair to you." She sniffed and pushed the ball of her hand up against her eye. "And it's also unfair that you plan on spending the rest of your life alone. Nopony should have to live alone without finding somepony that really cares about them."

I pouted. "Hey, I've been doing pretty okay so far."

"Oh really," she said, her eyes locking onto I. Shit, she was doing the flame eyes again. What was with her sudden mood swings? She could flip from melancholy to righteous fury at the drop of a hat. The girl needed some mood stabilizers, stat.

...or at least needed to get laid real ba- okay off that topic now! I didn't need to wake up the general with images of Twilight sweating and calling out my name while I plowe-

FUUUUUCCCCKKKK!!!!!

"Are you listening to me?" Twilight thankfully interrupted my very unwanted thoughts.

"Hm?" I looked at her, my eye subtly twitching as I bit the inside of my cheek.

"You weren’t listening at all, were you?" she deadpanned.

"Probably not."

Twilight sighed and put a hand to her temple. Oh thank heavenly Buddha her annoyance at me was throwing water on my flames.

...though I did enjoy her looks of exasperation and frustration when I managed to tick her off. It always made her look livelier than when she was trying to be all scholarly and shit.

...I was glad no one could hear my thoughts. That was mushy as fuck.

"As I was saying," she strained, one lock of hair sproinging at a ninety-degree angle. "Having a special somepony would actually be beneficial to your mental and emotional well-being."

I frowned. "How do you figure?"

"Well, for one major point, it would give you an emotional anchor to disperse your feelings of social attachment in a more widespread and healthier process through that pony."

I gave her a blank look. "...what?"

She sighed, one corner of her lips quirking up ever so slightly, though I couldn't tell if it was in a grimace or smile. "If you have somepony to care about deeply, it'll help you make friends easier."

"Hey, I have friends!"

"Oh, really? Name one!" She cut me off before I could slap her down. "And me and my friends don't count! We have to literally drag you around to get you to do anything sometimes!"

I was quiet for a moment. "Spike."

She nodded slowly. "I'll count that as a maybe. Though you may be more of a bad influence than an actual friend." Her frown and face grew darker. "You should be glad I still let him hang out here when I'm busy with work."

I get the young drake caught up in one (okay, maybe more than one concurrent) arson incidence and they never let me live it down. Or let me within fifty meters of several stores in downtown Ponyville. I swear I thought inflammable meant something different!

"That's one. Keep going."

I smiled. "Berry Punch."

"Your bartender doesn't count. In fact, anypony who just supplies you with booze is automatically disqualified." She gave me a fierce look when I tried to debate her on that, so I took the hint and shut up.

"Fine, uh..." I snapped my fingers at how I didn't think of her before. "Vinyl Scratch." Man, she was one kickass pony. How come she wasn't first on my list?

"She doesn't count either. Calling her a friend is like calling Pinkie one. She's more an indisputable facet of your life that you can never escape." Twilight looked down, a hint of red tracing her cheeks and ears. "Even if I find her nightly escapades to be a bit too... rambunctious for my tastes."

Ha, yeah, Vinyl was such a slut. She sucked more peen than a Catholic schoolgirl and cleaned more muff than a carpet steamer.

But shit, that really didn't leave me with much. Sure, I wasn’t exactly an asshole to the town's general populace but neither was I buddy-buddy with any one of them in particular, even after living amongst them for a good time. There was really only one pony that did tend to follow me around, and I wasn’t sure as to whether that was a good thing or not. Still, I had to come up with something to show up little miss princess pants.

I tilted up my chin.

"Lyr-"

"No way! Invalid! Crazy feet lady doesn't count! End of story!" Twilight chomped at the bit, her eyes bugging out.

I threw my hands up in resignation. "Well, shit, Sparky, what do you want from me? You want me to admit that I'm just a lonely sack of crap who couldn't make friends if I was the king of Awesometown?"

"I don't think towns have kings..." she muttered softly, rubbing her chin. She jumped up in her seat. "And no, I don't want you to degrade yourself like that! I just want you to admit that maybe getting a marefriend would be good for you! Maybe having a special somepony around would help polish off your rougher edges!"

"And what would you suggest then?" I leaned forward, planting my chin on my upturned palm and resting my elbow on my knee. "Because I don't exactly have mares throwing themselves at my feet. You pretty much proved I barely have friends to begin with."

Twilight suddenly became very docile. She looked everywhere except at me and started to play with her fingers. I idly noted that she was smearing ink on her hands, staining her light purple fur to a near ebony black. "Well, um..." she tittered. "I'm sure there's somepony out there for you. I mean, you have looks, even if they're not really good by pony standards... and you have a... unique, I can say, brand of humor and... and..." She brainstormed for a few seconds before clapping her hands together. "Oh! You can be really nice when you’re not being such a rude, unassailable jerk!"

I just looked at her with the most deadpan expression I could muster. Her cheeks twitched as I kept up the piercing stare. I sighed and bowed my head. "Okay, so you’re either trying to flirt with, console, or insult me." I raised a finger. "You’re succeeding at one… and not even very well at that."

She bunched her hands up and thrust them down. "Oh, geeze! Would you just take me seriously?"

"Look, I'm doing my best here, but you’re doing a great job explaining why I'm going to die alone."

"That's not what I meant at all!" she cried. Tears formed at the corner of Twilight's eyes as her cheeks puffed out to absurd and yet endearing proportions. "Listen, Nemo!" she pointed at me, her finger a spear aimed straight for my very being. "I just want you to answer one question!"

"And that is...?"

"We're friends, right?"

I laughed slowly, a real smile spreading on my face. "Yes, Twilight, we're friends. You don't need me to confirm that for it to be true." Even if she did light up like the sun whenever I did.

Her eyes softened. She glanced briefly to the side and cleared her throat with a pompous 'harrumph.' "Very well, then as my friend I find it to be in your best interest to enter the dating scene, so as to broaden your horizons and rehabilitate you back into a friendly, social environment."

"Oh really?" My lips cracked into a self-indulgent smirk. "And how do you plan on doing that?"

Twilight stood up, put her fists on her hips, and stuck out her chest. "I'm going to set you up on some dates!"

I thought for a moment, held out a finger, brought it back, held it out again, opened my mouth, and then closed it. I tried again, only this time with actual words. "...I'm sorry, what?"

Well, I did only try.

"I'm going to set up some dates for you," Twilight repeated happily. She continued, ignoring my blank face as I tried to process what the hell was happening. "By adding romantic variables to your normally doldrums lifestyle, we'll be able to activate a catalyst in your emotional drive leading to us to figure out just what it is you’re looking for in a mare and therefore push you to open up more to others in order to be a more well-balanced and healthy individual in society!"

"...I'm sorry, what?"

Look, I was really caught off-balance with this whole proposal. Twilight was trying to play matchmaker for me? The same girl who though harlequin novels were a viable strategy to researching love? Hell, she was related to a demigoddess of love! Why wasn't she bugging her for help?

Twilight pumped her fists and held them to her chin, her eyes gaining that same sparkly quality that always led to headaches for all involved. "Yes, that's how we'll do it! For friendship!"

Finally finding my voice, I uttered, "But I-"

Like a burst of gamma radiation, Twilight briefly disappeared from sight in a conflagration of lavender fireworks only to appear barely centimeters in front of me, the two of us almost touching nose-to-nose. Her eyes were mad were glee, and her teeth were a cacophony of grinding screeches.

"Friendship!"

She strangled the word like it kicked her puppy. Like it owed her money. Like it was her bitch.

"Okay, okay!" I squawked. "Just stop looking at me with your Sparkle Spergle eyes!"

She leaned back from shredding my soul with happy Science rays and beamed. Her grin became less insanity-inducing and more peppy, darling pony smile. "See? If I just agreed like this all the time, things would be so much easier for all involved!"

I took a deep, heaving breath. "Yeah, at the risk of shaving years off my lifespan."

"What was that?"

"Nothing!"

She nodded. "Good human!" Like I was an obedient pet, she stood on her tiptoes to pat the top of my head. I rolled my eyes at the gesture and she smiled cheekily in return, her wings fluttering ever so slightly. When she was done, she spun on her hooves and skipped back over to her chair, her hips having an extra 'oomph' to them.

...okay, yeah, she had a cute tush. I just wish she didn't have to reap my soul for me to witness it.

Twilight picked up her clipboard. She flipped through it, humming perkily to herself. "Oh, this will be so fun! I already have several willing and ready candidates for you!"

I blinked. "Wait, you already have something set up? I don't feel very comfortable just jumping in like this." It was one thing to agree to the whole crazy scheme; it was another to just roll over and let the purple spaz run roughshod over me without any resistance.

"Don't worry," she beamed, flapping a hand. "It isn't anypony you don't know."

"Really?"

"Mmm!" she nodded rapidly. "It's going to be me and the girls!"

"Oh, well, that's a relief." I folded my arms and nodded. Then the recognition of her words finally struck me. "...hah?"

"Well, we do know you best after all, and it's only fair to ease you back into the dating pool with somepony that you've known for a while. Besides, it'll allow you to open up more easily if you’re with a familiar face!" She said it like it was the most obvious and logical thing in the world. I really worried how her brain functioned sometimes...

"I don't know about this, Sparky. Isn't that kinda... dangerous? From where I'm from, dating in your group of friends – which, I remind you, is apparently just you girls – usually doesn't end too well."

"Then it's a good thing you’re in Equestria and not back home! Nopony would let something like this break up their friendship." She went quiet at my skeptical expression. Her whole body drooped, from her face to her limbs to her wings. Even her horn seemed less pointy and upright. Twilight's eyes sunk to the floor, her arms holding the clipboard to her chest.

"Are you really that against the idea?" she asked softly. She suddenly sounded very vulnerable.

I was quiet for a bit. What did I really think? On one hand, I wasn’t really looking to jumping into the game, but on the other, Twilight seemed honestly worried about my prospects. Would it really be all that bad to just go along with her experiment like I normally did? At least this time it wouldn't end up with me missing things I didn't want to go missing... probably.

I scratched my cheek. "And this isn't anything serious, right? It's just a way to get me to make friends?"

Twilight nodded fiercely. "Of course! Think of it... think of it like a practice date!"

"Practice, huh...?" I stared at the ceiling and then cracked my neck. "Oh... what the hell. Not like I'll lose anything if I go through with it. You got yourself a deal, Sparky."

"Excellent!" she squealed. Suddenly I had an armful of super-energetic and wiggling pony, Twilight nuzzling me in the way her kind did. She actually hopped in place, her wings flapping weakly to keep her levitated for an extra moment so she could get good and into the crook of my neck before she settled back down. Her face was that of pure joy. “You won’t regret this, Nemo, I promise!”

Fuck, these ponies were going to be the death of me - cardiac arrest caused by cuteness overload.

Twilight pushed away from me, but not before she- did… did she just sniff me? She nodded as if pleased with what she found and began mumbling to herself.

…ponies were weird.

"Oh, there's so much to do! First, I have to contact the girls and tell them that the first part was a success. Then I have to..." Twilight delved into the deep, neurosis-laden portion of her psyche, paper flying around her as her magic suffused the room, while I watched in introspective silence. Or at least as navel-gazing as someone with my downright refusal to think too deeply could handle.

This was really happening, right? Somehow I had hooked up a date with six of the closest people- no, ponies- wait, women- mares- whatever-! I'd known since I arrived here. At least it was something that they'd come up with, so I didn't have to worry about seeming like a creeper. Though there was still the question of what I was supposed to do now.

"Yo, Sparky, ya in there?" I snapped my fingers in her face.

"But then I have to consider the sociopolitical ramifications of cross-species fertili- huh, what?" She sputtered, coming back to the land of the (relatively) normal.

"You want to tell me what's gonna happen next?" I asked bluntly.

"Oh! You’re going on a date tonight!" she smiled.

"What, already?" Wasn't that a bit short notice?

"Mhm! Oh, it'll be so much fun! But your partner will be a surprise, so be on your best behavior!" Twilight looked me up and down. "I know, maybe you should dress in something nice; not too formal but not so casual either. Oh!" She perked up. "Wear that green overshirt with the amethyst lapel buttons, the one Rarity made for you last month. You'd look good in that!"

She nibbled on the pen. "And we'll have to set up a schedule to make sure everyone gets a fair share of your time. Maybe set up a rotating block to properly spread out the full romantic environment." She glanced back up at me, seemingly surprised that I was still there. "Well, get to it! Your date will be at your house this evening!"

I said and did nothing. Something tickled at the back of my mind, small suspicions that grew larger at how everything was just falling too easily into place. I fixed Twilight with an even stare. "Why does this seem a little too well-planned out?"

She froze, her smile stuck in a crazed rictus. She turned towards me, each movement of her neck creating a small crackling sound. "Whatever do you mean?" She did not make eye contact, instead looking everywhere but my face. Her voice was slightly hiccupy, not willing at all to settle on one pitch.

"Twilight..." I warned, my tone rising.

"There's no time! You have to prepare! Okay see you have fun bye!"

With a pop, my world burst into purple sparkles and I found myself outside of the library, staring at the closed door set into the giant tree's trunk. I had half a mind to barge back in but figured it would end the same way, and I really didn't need to waste time playing 'teleport the human' for the rest of the day.

The fact Twilight could teleport me even with my apparent resistance to ‘magic’ was scary enough. Apparently she just brute-forced her way through every time. I was lucky she didn’t accidentally leave bits-and-pieces of me behind each time she surprised me… I think.

…that girl scared me.

Instead, I might as well take Twilight's advice and start getting ready for my 'date.'

Wow, it actually hit me. I actually had a date, the first one in a few years. I shrugged to myself. Well, it's not like I was dreading it. Considering it was the girls I'd spent the last year getting to know, it wasn't going to be too heavy or awkward. I'd just treat it like any other outing I had with them, only attach a different moniker to it.

With that compromise firmly set in mind, I headed home, willing to admit I had a bit more spring in my step than when I'd started the day.

Well, it was go time. The sun was beginning to set and I was ready for whatever those girls were going to throw at me. After letting the reconstruction crew in to fix up my kitchen from the latest Hurricane Derpy (shit, I was only number three on their docket... for that day), I'd spent the remainder of the day cleaning up the place and then freshening up for my date.

I didn't put too much effort into it, but I at least had the common courtesy of showering, shaving, and brushing my teeth so as to not offend their fairer senses. Also because if it was Rarity who was showing up, she'd bitch and moan at lengths about what a gentleman should be prepared to do when accompanying a lady.

I did not need that shit tonight.

Now that I though about, I was actually kind of anxious as to who the first victim would be. And they would no doubt be a victim - the first sacrificial lamb of this whole debacle. I was convinced they were doing this out of pity or a misplaced sense of friendship, especially since more often than not I drove them wild more with rage than passion.

Well, I would at least try to show them a good time, though I was certain that anything I showed them would pale in comparison to someone who actually shared their interests and history.

Great, now I was getting all mopey. Buck up, ya piece of shit. I was gonna have fun with a lovely mare tonight!

My doorbell rang. Ah, and there was the poor soul now.

The doorbell rang again.

Then again.

And again.

Then it rang in the pattern of 'shave and haircut' followed by a longer jabbing of 'two bits.'

I had a pretty good idea of who my first date was going to be. Strolling over to the entrance, I opened it and swung it inward. I looked outside and then down, lowering my gaze by about a foot.

My guest raised a hand in mock salute. Her plump form jiggled at the motion, pleasing to the eye in all the best kind of ways. Her cotton candy-like mane and tail poofed out like an untamed cloud with a mind and life all their own. Her radiant grin and bright blue eyes showed a glee that couldn't be contained and was more than willing to spread to any prepared (or unprepared) soul.

"Hey there, Nem-Nem! I'm here for our date!"

I smiled fondly after a brief moment. Yeah, she seemed like the perfect date to start off with.

"Hey, Pinkie. Glad to have ya."

Author's Notes:

[Edited 1/21/18]

And thus the plot starts! Unleash the cute scenes!

So yeah, this is the 'true' start of the fic. The first chapter chronologically takes place a while after the planned epilogue, so the rest of this story is build-up to the hopefully satisfying payoff.

So, we make way for the 'dating' arc. As expected, each of the M6 will get a chapter devoted to them, as well as several flashbacks to show their connection to the MC and why they would be interested in him to the extent of everyone ending up dating him. And yes, the MC is designed to allow the reader to insert themselves into his place. I simply chose the 'Anon' tag because he's literally made to fulfill the broad strokes of humanity as a whole.

Also, it looks like I made Twilight a tsundere. ...I'm honestly not sure how to feel about that.

Also, also, wow - four days on the featured list, two of which were at number one. I'm flattered.

Till next time, criticism appreciated!