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“Nero? Could you please hand me the deogryphic depheltoria?”

Nero frowned, looking down at the dozens of instruments sitting on the counter in front of him. “…Which one is that again?” he asked, wiping his bloody hands onto his ‘kiss the cook’ apron.

“The one next to the ethereal beyotdiron,” Twilight said, using a spell to levitate over a handkerchief to dab her brow.

“And which one is that?” the human asked.

“The one that looks like a fork with a square in the middle of it.”

“This one?”

“Yes. Now please hand it to me while I—there we go!”

Twilight let out a happy squeal, setting the saw down that she had been using. “It looks like I’ve finally sawed all the way through!” she announced, clapping her bloody hooves together.

“I hope not,” Nero said, leaning over their “patient”. “I’m pretty sure Starlight wouldn’t appreciate you sawing her brain in half. Though, to be fair, I’m sure she wouldn’t appreciate us cutting her open like this.”

Starlight, dead to the world through a mixture of very powerful drugs and magic, made no comment. She just laid there splayed out on the table, her tongue hanging out.

“Oh, I’m sure she’ll be fine with it when she wakes up,” Twilight said with a dismissive wave of the hoof, taking the instrument from Nero’s hands with a spell.

With a gleeful cackle, she began prying the top of the unicorn’s skull off, using a spell to levitate a donut over toward her so that she could take a big bite out of it. Nero watched her, shaking his head as he grabbed a coffee mug and took a sip of its contents.

“I don’t know, you can spin this however you want, but I wouldn’t be too happy if someone operated on me in a dirty fucking kitchen,” he said looking around.

“Which is why I’ve never done this with you,” Twilight replied, noisily chewing.

“No. The only reason you haven’t done this with me yet is because you haven’t gotten the doses right to dope me up,” Nero retorted.

Twilight stopped what she was doing and looked up at her assistant, her nose scrunching up in indignation. She lifted a hoof and opened her mouth, ready to give him a verbal lashing, but a look from the human caused her to slowly close her mouth.

“…That’s neither here nor there.”

Nero snorted. “Aha, whatever you say,” he said, setting down his mug. “But I still kind of think we should have asked her before doing this.”

“It’ll be fine,” Twilight insisted, giving the top of Starlight’s skull with a tug. “We’ve always wanted to see if there were any abnormalities in a villain’s brain to make them act like they do anyways, and it’s not like we’re cutting anything out.”

“No, you’ve always wanted to cut open villain’s skulls and poke around, not me. And Starlight isn’t even a villain anymore.”

“But she was until very recently,” Twilight pointed out.

Nero’s face contorted. “Still though…”

“You weren’t making this much of a fuss when we were cutting open Fluttershy last week.”

“That’s because I don’t like Fluttershy. Whenever I look at the fucking girl all she does is mumble and smell like animal shit.”

“And what about Rarity last month?”

“She needed a bit of poking around upstairs, anyway. We would have done the world a favor if we cut some of the bits of brain that had to do with talking. And fucking whining. ”

“Come on… Just a little—Hah!”

There was a wet, almost meaty pop as Twilight managed to pull off the top of Starlight’s skull. The unicorn’s back legs twitched as her air hit her brain, but otherwise she was still. Dropping the tool in her magic into a basin, Twilight gently placed the bit of skull onto a piece of parchment paper and once again dabbed her brow with her handkerchief.

“You know, I don’t think you’ve ever complained about cutting open anypony else other than Starlight,” she said as Nero walked back toward her.

“That’s because most ponies we cut open are assholes,” the human replied, looking down at Starlight’s brain.

“Most of those “assholes” are my best friends, Nero.”

“Yeah, and it’s your fault for having such shit taste in people.”

Twilight giggled, leaning over to gently nudge him.

“You know you’re my friend too, right?”

“Like I said, shit taste,” Nero grunted, reaching down to grab what looked like a tongue compressor and a fondue fork. “Here.”

“Thanks,” Twilight said, taking the instruments with her magic as she put on a pair of magnifying glasses. “And what’s so different about Starlight? She’s my friend too.”

Nero shrugged as the alicorn began poking at Starlight’s brain. The mare twitched and jerked with each poke, but thankfully remained asleep.

“I don’t know, I guess it’s because I don’t look at her and think “APPLES, APPLES, APPLES” or “PARTY, PARTY, PARTY” or “I’M A LESBIAN BUT I PRETEND I’M NOT BECAUSE I’M SUPER FAST”,” the human said as he scratched his nose, accidentally smearing Starlight’s blood onto his face. “And I guess I kind of think that kite hobby of hers is pretty adorable.”

Twilight giggled again. “Well, I’ll be sure to tell her that after we’re all done here,” she said, leaning forward. “Hmm… the frontal lobe looks normal, and so does the parietal lobe…”

The alicorn leaned forward a little more, so that her muzzle was nearly touching the brain. Nero squatted down next to her, leaning forward as well so that he could get a better look at what she was doing.

“You might want to lean back a little, ‘cause if she jerks too hard you’re getting a nose full of gray matter,” he said.

“This isn’t the first time I’ve done this, Nero,” Twilight said, stroking the left side of Starlight’s brain with one instrument while poking at a space near her occipital lobe with the other. “I have this perfectly under—”

Starlight’s eyes snapped open and she sat up without warning. Both Twilight and Nero yelped, jerking backward. Through some miracle, Twilight was able to keep from turning the unicorn’s brain to mush with her instruments, using her magic to instead stay them in their exact position, though the coffee and donuts on the operating table weren't so lucky, crashing to the floor.

“Nero has a really nice butt!” the unicorn chirped as she stared at nothing with half-lidded, dilated eyes.

“What this fuck is that, Twi? I thought you said she wasn’t gonna wake up?” Nero hissed, crouching down low so that the unicorn wouldn’t notice him.

“I don’t know what’s going on,” Twilight hissed back. “She’s supposed to be out for a few more hours!”

“Then what the hell is she doing sitting up?!”

“I already said that I didn’t know!”

Both the alicorn waited for Starlight to start screaming in pain, or at the very least look around for them. They both tensed, ready to stop the unicorn from hurting them or herself, but the mare didn’t move a muscle. She just sat there, as still as a statue.

“…Twilight? Why isn’t she doing anything?” Nero whispered.

“I don’t know,” Twilight murmured.

Eyes narrowing, the alicorn sat up straight in her chair. She eyed the instruments touching Starlight’s brain before applying a bit more pressure.

“I want to take Nero and his butt out to a fancy dinner!” Starlight chirped, her ears wiggling. “And after the dinner I want to take him home so I can make him sit on my face!”

Both Twilight and Nero quietly exchanged glances as they tried to process just what they had heard. Biting her lip, Twilight eased up on the pressure she was applying.

“I’d motorboat his butt cheeks until the sun came up!” Starlight said, the enthusiasm as clear as day in her voice. “I mean all night!”

“…Twilight, what the fuck did you do?” Nero asked.

A small smile came to Twilight’s face as she applied pressure to the edges of her instruments.

Starlight twitched. “I peed the bed until I was fifteen because I thought there was a snake monster in everypony’s toilet!”

“I think I found the parts of the brain that force ponies to reveal their deepest, darkest secrets,” Twilight said with a wiggle.

“I thought there wasn’t a part of that in the brain,” Nero said.

“There’s so much about the brain that we don’t know about, Nero,” Twilight replied, hopping up into the table with Starlight so she could get a better look at the brain. “Ohh! We might be able to further the field of study in the brain if we just keep poking her!”

Clapping her hooves together, the alicorn moved her instruments a minute amount and reapplied pressure. Starlight’s front legs curled and her horn sparked to life.

“When Nero isn’t home, I like to sneak into his house and roll around on top of his bed! Sometimes, when I get really lonely, I’ll cuddle with him at night while he’s asleep!”

Frowning, Nero slapped the back of Twilight’s head, nearly knocking the mare off the table.

“Ow! What was that for?” she yelped.

“What do you mean?” Nero said, waving his arms around. “Quit fucking poking her brain like that! You’re gonna push too hard and you’re really gonna fuck her up and—”

“I also like to walk around Nero’s house wearing his boxers and socks!” Starlight said, cutting off the human. “Sometimes, I also like to take his socks and put them under my bed so that I can slide around the floors when Twilight isn't home!”

Nero’s rant left him in a sharp exhale. “So that’s where all of my fucking socks have been going!”

Walking toward the edge of the table, the human took the instruments from Twilight’s magic and began massaging the general area they had been in.

“Alright, now are you the one that keeps taking my shirts, too?” he demanded as Starlight’s mouth opened and shut. “And what about those cookies from the other day? I know you said you didn’t eat them, but I sure as shit didn’t, and they were gone when I came back from the market!”

“Nona sah a yllaer ecin ttub!” the unicorn said, wagging her tail like a dog.

“Goddammit, you crazy horse,” Nero growled, applying a little more pressure. “Tell me your secrets — and where all of my fucking sweatpants went!”

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