Princess Celestia Accidentally Does Cocaine

by CategoricalGrant

Chapter 1: Better, Prettier, and more E N E R G E T I C

Princess Celestia sighed in bliss as she closed her eyes. Sitting on her dining room chair, instead of running around all the time frantically making breakfast to share with her sister Luna, felt particularly nice. Maybe she’d have to do it a little more often.

One of the servant ponies in the castle, an older gray stallion by the name of Somber Manor, trotted out dutifully and placed a small tray of light pastries in front of the Princess. “There you are, Your Highness. What could I get you to drink, this fine morning? Black tea with milk, as usual?”

Princess Celestia took a deep breath through her nostrils, keeping her eyes closed. Today was no usual day, after all. She was determined to have a restful and special morning for herself; and perhaps that meant trying something new. Her mind quickly shuffled through all of the possibilities available. A soft and floral white tea might pair well with the fruit in her pastries. Then again, if she wanted a good jolt of caffeine that could compare to her normal routine, perhaps an Oolong or a Pu’er tea would suffice.

Princess Celestia opened her eyes with a smile after she had made her decision. Looking down at the stoic butler, she tilted her head to him warmly. “I think I will have some jasmine tea this morning, Mr. Manor. Something fragrant will help me relax, I believe.”

“An excellent choice, your highness,” the austere but polite stallion replied with a flourished bow. I shall be back shortly.

Trotting into the royal kitchens, Somber Manor ducked and weaved with honed precision around the royal chefs, who as usual were frantically preparing dishes for tour groups, dignitaries, and official guests. Ducking under a hot saucepan being ferried to another part of the kitchen, he opened the unassuming white Prench doors and stepped into the royal tea pantry.

Canterlot Castle had many pantries and iceboxes; some were for cakes. Others for cheeses and other savory perishables. Even coffee had its own drawer on the far side of the kitchens (although that had been locked ever since Princess Luna had declared an ‘UNCEASING ARMED STRUGGLE’ to destroy ‘THAT BITTER SO-CALLED BEAN WHICH HAS DARED TO INSULT THE ROYAL TASTE BUDS’). Still though, none could compare to Princess Celestia’s tea pantry.

Layers upon layers of wooden shelves were present, and on each were present dozens of different tea varieties, both bagged and loose-leaf. Standing on his back hooves, Somber Manor reached upward and fumbled around for the cardboard box which contained the jasmine tea. Eventually nabbing it and drawing it down to eye level, he found it empty.

Sighing with lament, and not wanting to disappoint Equestria’s beloved Princess, he reached upward to the top shelf in a last-ditch effort; the top shelf was where Celestia placed the teas that were given to her as gifts from foreign governments. Perhaps, if Somber Manor was lucky, some jasmine tea was available there.

Unable to see or grab the whole boxes due to the challenging height of the shelf, Somber Manor nonetheless got his hooves on a single bag of tea. Bringing it back down to the floor, he sniffed it apprehensively. It was certainly floral and had a jasmine-like quality, but also seemed to hold very un-jasmine like qualities. “Maybe it’s just old,” he grumbled to himself as he walked out of the pantry. “If she doesn’t like it, I can always make something else.”

Princess Celestia gulped down the last of the liquid in the teacup quickly. “Wow!” she remarked, more to herself than her servant. “That was excellent. Better than any jasmine tea that I’ve had before! Something about the mouthfeel and the mild astringency really brings the flavors together.” Princess Celestia turned her head to Somber Manor again, lifting her eyebrows in delight. “Would you mind getting me another cup?”

Exhaling in relief and allowing himself just the slightest touch of a grin as a reward for his craftiness, the butler nodded in acknowledgement. “Of course, your highness.”

Celestia was deep in thought as he walked away, her tongue swishing around her mouth as she grappled with the pleasant aftertaste. “Actually, if you could, would you bring a teapot and a few bags?”

Raven, Princess Celestia’s secretary and assistant, stood patiently as she waited for Princess Celestia to enter her throne room and begin day court. Rotating her neck softly to stretch it out, she let out a soft groan. With Lord Kibitz out of town, she had been managing the Princesses’ schedules for the last few days, and the extra responsibilities were taking a toll on her.

Just then, the doors to the royal chambers burst open with a surprising degree of force and a particularly peppy Princess Celestia cantered up the carpeted steps to her thone. “Hello Raven!” she greeted joyously. “How are you today!?”

Raven blinked a few times, not necessarily accustomed to the Princess being so happy. Kind, yes, always…but it was quite rare that she was this energetic. “I am well. Good morning, Your Highness,” she replied, hoofing over a scroll listing the day’s itinerary to the happy alicorn. “Should I call in those who want to petition you?”

“Oh, yes please!” Princess Celestia sing-songed, closing the gap between them and lifting up her front hooves to squish her assistant’s cheeks. “Ooooh~, your cheeks are so touchable~,” she gasped with wide eyes as she deformed Raven’s face with mild pressure.

“Y-your Highness,” Raven mumbled under the hoof assault, “we cannot begin day court until you are seated.”

Princess Celestia let out a startled wheeze. “Oh yes! Of course,” she said, practically sprinting over to her cushioned throne and sitting down much harder than usual. “Ow,” she said stoically, almost as an afterthought.

Narrowing her eyes in confusion and suspicion, Raven used her magic to open up the far doors to the throne room and allowed the first petitioner, as well as his counsel and repertoire, in. The middle-aged green stallion immediately began droning on and on about forestry rights or some other such minor squabble, and Raven was content to let herself sit at the desk and review some paperwork. Princess Celestia was always a very detailed administrator, after all; even more so than herself!

“And as such, even though our revenues have increased almost 140% on year, the costs from the regulations have….PRINCESS CELESTIA!” the stallion screamed, apparently finally having had enough.

Princess Celesita looked up from her thone with flattened ears. “Huh!? What?”

“I just spent more than twenty minutes explaining the situation to you, but you haven’t been listening at all!” he screamed in fury. “You’ve just been sitting there, looking down and rotating your cushion with your haunches!”

“I don’t know how this is my fault,” Princess Celestia casually replied while looking at a hoof.

Raven raised her eyebrows. This was an even more levelheaded response than she had expected from her long-time boss.

“After all,” Princess Celestia said, standing up and trotting over to the party, “you were the one who bored me! I mean, a half-hour sales pitch is nothing to be proud of. At least talk really fast, or something!” Princess Celestia launched herself off the bottom step and flew down the length of the room, landing with a skid and bunching up the red carpet as she came muzzle-to-muzzle with the business pony. “Come on! We need to go go GO!” Celestia cried, not in anger but in a strange delivery of frustrated wisdom. “There is so much to DO! You have five seconds, what do you need from me!?”

“U-u-uh…” the businesspony replied, too surprised and intimidated to form coherent thoughts.

“Fivefourthreetwoone TIME IS UP! Thank you for playing,” Princess Celestia said, planting a kiss on the pony’s cheek. “Try again next time.” She picked him up with her magic and shot him out of the room, sending him skidding into the castle’s main hall. Spinning her head around to face the petitioner’s lawyer and advisors, she shot them an unstable smile. “Much to do, much to do! Be on your way! Goodbye hugs not mandatory, but HIGHLY encouraged!”

As Princess Celestia terrorized the helpless citizens with physical affection, Raven stood unmoving on the throne platform, her mouth hanging open in horror.

When she was finished, Princess Celestia stood up and looked at Raven from across the room with her eyes opened as wide as they could go. “WOW! I feel great! Little bit of a splitting headache, but I mean other than that…WOW! Raven dear, cancel court. These ponies are so SLOW!” She sprinted over to Raven’s desk and sat in the wooden chair, her large frame causing the oak to creak. “We’re going to be working on edicts! First, the old ones!”

Flipping through a stack of suggested edicts from her advisors, Princess Celestia picked up a quill in her golden aura and ripped it across the pages in a startling display of efficiency, precision, and complete disregard for policy outcomes. “Signed. Signed, signed, signed, signed, signed…”

Raven, quickly looking around to make sure the Princess wouldn’t notice her, crept quietly to one of the many royal guards present and directed him to gather the Princess’ whole staff together. Something was wrong, and she was going to get to the bottom of it.

Only a few minutes later, the Princess’ whole staff, including the chambermaids, butlers, servants, and assorted ministers had gathered in the corner of the throne room in a huddle. Nervously eyeing the group, and noting that everyone was present, she slowly began to sneak away from Princess Celestia, who had now busied herself with writing her own unique edicts to enact.

“Raven!” Princess Celestia called suddenly, sitting up stick straight in her chair.

Whirling around in fear of her boss, Raven swallowed a lump in her throat. “Y-yes, Princess Celestia?”

“Is 48 pages long enough for an edict?”

“Well…what are you planning to do?”

“I’m making it illegal to litter!” Celestia declared proudly, inadvertently snapping her quill in half with a burst of magic.

Raven furrowed her brow. “Princess, it is already illegal to litter.”

“Yes, but there are so many loopholes, Raven!” Princess Celestia began rotating her hoof in a spiral, drawing it ever closer to the tip of Raven’s muzzle. “So many LOOOOOOOOOOOP….” Celestia booped Raven. “…HOLES,” she finished in a deep and foreboding tone, staring directly into Raven’s eyes with her own dilated pupils. An intimidating minute later, she up straight like a rocket once more. “Back to work! So much to be done! Eliminate the loopholes! They are the enemy!”

Raven watched her boss bury her muzzle in a flurry of parchment and quills again and slowly made her way over to her co-conspirators, who welcomed her into the huddle.

“What is wrong with the Princess?” asked the secretary of state. “She looks absolutely beside herself with…energy? Enthusiasm? Bloodlust?”

“We can deal with that in a minute,” Raven hissed. “The most important thing is that we confirm that Princess Twilight Sparkle has no idea about what is going on. If she gets involved, this whole thing is certain to go from bad, to-“

A purple explosion of magic erupted from just outside of the circle and a frantic purple alicorn nosed her way into the circle. “WHAT IS GOING ON!?” she quietly rasped, her eyes darting between each pony in the huddle and the still-scribbling Sun Princess. “WHAT’S WRONG WITH CELESTIA!? WHICH OF YOU IS AT FAULT!? WE’RE GOING TO DIE!”

Raven closed her eyes and let out a sigh of exasperation. “…Who? Who?”

“…Sorry,” came the reply from a royal guard, still standing at his post seven feet away. “Next time, a little specificity in instruction would be appreciated.”

“We need to make a list, NOW!” Twilight said, her voice having relaxed to a low hiss. “Of EVERYTHING that went different this morning.”

A few moments of silence passed as each pony in the huddle went through their daily routine in their minds.

“The Princess had jasmine tea instead of black tea this morning,” Somber Manor posited, seemingly uninvested in the whole hullabaloo going on around him.

“Come on,” Raven growled, “we need real solutions, not-“

A flash of purple magic cut her off and almost blinded her. Blinking quickly to remove the white effect on her vision before being blinded again by the same magic flash as Twilight returned to the group.

“There was no jasmine tea! Did you serve her this?” Twilight growled, shoving a box in the elderly butler’s face.

The smell hit him immediately. “Hmm, I believe I did, yes. She was quite fond of it.”

“This is COCA LEAF TEA! It’s not even legal here, it must have been a diplomatic gift! You’re sure that you served her this!?”

“Yes,” Somber Manor replied dryly. “Is there a problem?”

“The PROBLEM is that it contains a number of stimulating alkaloids, including COCAINE! And it looks like you gave her at least five bags worth of this! Do you have ANY idea how much trouble you could be in?”

“What will Her Highness do, release me from her service?” Somber Manor replied with a raised eyebrow. “Then she’ll finally have to start paying me my pension.”

“Hey, guys!” Princess Celestia giggled maniacally as she inserted herself in the tight circle and wrapped each of her forelegs around a royal guard. “What are we talking about?” She gasped, placing a hoof over her mouth and accidentally pressing one of the guards into her chest fluff. “Is it about Luna? I’ve told her that this ‘emo’ thing is a phase, but…do you think it’s depression? Or a social or developmental disorder? Or even…drug use!?”

The conspirators shared an awkward glance.

“Oh…I’m so glad that Luna has so many friends that care about her like I do!” Princess Celestia’s lip began to quiver. “Bring it in for a hug, everypony!”

Some apprehensive mumbles and declinations came from those assembled.

“I said BRING IT IN FOR A HUG!” Celestia ordered, using a combination of her immensely powerful magic and long front forelegs to crush the crack team of royal specialists against her. “AHHH!” she gasped, releasing them almost immediately. “I have a new idea for an edict: mandatory imprisonment and counseling for those involved in the emo and grunge movements!” With that, Princess Celestia scurried back to her desk.

The group looked around awkwardly, with absolutely no idea of how to continue.

“Alright,” Princess Luna declared as she moseyed on into the ring and took a bite out of a banana that still had the peel on it. “What the hell is going on here, and why is it loud enough to wake me from my well-deserved slumber in which I was waging a fruitful Jihad against the black beans of bitterness?”

“From what I gather, Your Highness,” Somber Manor explained, his refined accent doing little to hide the fact that he was a characteristically blunt pony, “your sister is currently intoxicated with cocaine and believes that your more eccentric behaviors indicate that you are disabled.”

“Huh,” Princess Luna mumbled, taking another bite out of her unpeeled banana and chewing it slowly.

“…How in Equestria are you not worried about this!?” Princess Twilight responded, her brow furrowed in anger.

“There is nothing new under the sun, dearest Twilight.”

“I’m pretty sure this is new,” Raven scoffed.

Immediately, the circle began to devolve into a war of petty arguments in which angry whispers were the weapon of choice. The arguments continued with no end in sight until the voice of Princess Celestia cut through the air like a knife through butter.

“Raven, could you make an appointment with the royal physician? I feel better than I ever have, but I think I’m getting heart palpitations,” Princess Celestia declared, still writing even though her eyes were looking away from the paper. Suddenly, a blush came across her cheeks, and she stopped writing and stood up quickly. “I’m suddenly very hot. Did somepony turn up the heat? Turn down the heat! No, wait! It couldn’t be…it can’t be! I still want to have foals! It can’t be happening now, I-“

Suddenly, Princess Celestia’s mane caught fire and morphed into an undulating inferno. “Oh, wait, it’s gone. Nevermind!”

“N-no,” Princess Twilight choked, taking a shaky step back. “I-it can’t be happening! That was just a dream! I…I can’t bring myself to fight her!”

Princess Celestia rubbed her eyes once, and when she brought her hoof down her magenta irises had morphed into a shade of sickly yellow. “All at once, I’m having so many great ideas!” she grinned, suddenly displaying pointed fangs instead of her usual sweet smile. “For one, I need to get some orange armor! That will look so much more refined than this drab old gold. In fact, it’s time for a makeover! The new me will be better, prettier, and more powerful!” Her eyes widened briefly, as if she had been struck by a stroke of genius. Slowly, a wicked smile came over her face. “And each of you is going to help!”

A resounding bang echoed through the stone hall as Princess Luna slammed a cast iron frying pan into the back of Princess Celestia’s head, knocking her out and casting her on the cold stone. Her unconscious form quickly reverted back to its usual state.

The mouths of everypony in the huddle hung open as they looked at the twitching form of Princess Celestia on the ground. Then they looked at Princess Luna. Then back to Celestia, carefully observing the large bruise beginning to form on her white coat. Then they watched in awe as Princess Luna popped the last of the banana peel into her mouth.

“Let her liver catch up and burn the tea,” Princess Luna ordered matter-of-factly, her mouth still partially full. “You’re welcome.”

Author's Notes:

Why do I write

Return to Story Description


Login with