An introduction.

You stare into your drink, thoroughly miserable and wishing that this night would end. You had been out with your friends in Manehattan hoping to meet some fillies after having a few drinks, but your buddies had long ago paired off with mares they had met in the bar and had disappeared to their final destination, leaving you alone.

Sat at the bar, you wonder why you’re always the one left alone, the one always eventually walking home and crying yourself to sleep at the bitter loneliness of having no mate, no sweet maiden to call your own. Your stool was at the end of the bar, closest to the entrance and you feel a chill of the night air as somepony opens it, who then sits next to you, ordering a whiskey from the bartender.

“Hey buddy, how’s the fishing tonight?” He asks you, your focus still on your half finished drink, leading to you ignoring him. Eventually you realise that he must have been talking to you and you slip him a sideways glance. The stallion addressing you is impeccably well dressed; a sharp suit complimenting his masculine features, his deep black mane gelled intricately and working marvelously well with his light blue coat. Looking at his face, you’re sure that the stranger has had cosmetic work done, but can’t quite place what had been changed, his light blue face contorting as he grins at you.

“I’m guessing it never goes well for you, am I right?” He asks, sipping at the brown liquid on ice in his glass, levitated before him using his horn whilst he leans with his back against the bar. You nod and look back at your own drink, taking a gulp of it.

“When I’m feeling all sad and unable to score, do you know what I do? I stop being sad and unable to score and become awesome instead," Matterhorn says, with a pause for effect, "Then I go and get laid.”

You roll your eyes at the unicorn, asking why would he be here if he was so successful with the ladies.

“Pfft. Please. Real stallions can seal the deal and get straight back in the club before she’s even realised you’re gone. In fact, you know what, I’m going to teach you. Take a knee and tell me your name!”

You tell him your name, staying sat on the stool. He looks dismayed that you’re still sat there and not kneeling, but continues regardless.

“Yeeeah, I’m not going to remember that. My name is Matterhorn and your new name is Architect; I’m gonna call you Archie for short. Now, listen up Archie.”

Matterhorn, somehow still sober following several large whiskies, explains to you the basics of approaching and chatting to mares in the club scene, whilst you still continue to avoid chatting to the seemingly crazy stallion. Eventually he catches on and chooses to drop the biggest bomb you have ever heard;

“That’s right, Ted. The Elements of Harmony. All six of them. Not at the same time, although that would have been legendary, but I banged every one of them. Even got two at the same time.”

You feel your jaw almost hit the bar as you turn to face him; The Elements of Harmony? The six young mares from Ponyville that had somehow defeated an evil that Princess Celestia had barely dealt with the first time around? Whilst the mix of intrigue, respect and confusion raged in your mind, he had turned to you and was adjusting his tie with his hoof, giving the smug look of someone obviously having genuinely pulled off such an amazing feat.

"No way, no bucking way, you're pulling my chain!" you reply with a laugh, after having thought about how such an act could be done. Surely the mares would have discussed between themselves and worked out that he was specifically trying to sleep with them?

"Do you want to know how I did it?" the smug unicorn asks.

"Y...yeah, I guess I do."

"Excellent. Meet me back here, one week today." Matterhorn replies, before trotting off to a group of mares...

Part 1 - Sweet Apple Pie

Waiting in the Manehattan bar where you had first met Matterhorn, you take the seat that you had occupied previously and ask the bartender for a beer. Tonight, the bar is very busy, ponies from all walks of life having descended upon this watering-hole for a night of alcohol fueled debauchery.

"No beer for you, Archie. You're a scotch stallion now." the over-confident voice of Matterhorn says, "Fillies can tell a lot about you by what you drink. That's the first rule, beer is the drink of slobs looking for a quick lay."

"I thought you were teaching me how to GET a quick lay?"

"For the love of Celestia, Archie. Are you really THAT stupid? Mares don't want stallions who are looking like they just want to get laid, they think they want the stallion they can take home to their parents, heck, a lot of the time, parents can be great leverage."

“What do you mean?"

"Oh, please, you've never heard the term 'Daddy Issues' before? Well, at least you suited up."

"Daddy issues?" you ask, raising an eyebrow,

"Daddy issues." he responds, "You know, where a mare idolises, misses, or even hates her daddy so much that she subconsciously looks for his traits in every guy she gets close to."

"Right."

"Alright, well, you remember I banged the Elements of Harmony? This actually reminds me of the time I managed to bag the element of Honesty, and boy did she have some issues."

"Please, don't tell me the story Matterhorn, I just want to learn how to approach mares."

"Tough. Listen up, Archie."

So, this was back in about one-thousand three, I was in Ponyville on business, or pleasure or something, who knows. I was suited up and looking LEGENDARY.

Anyway, there I was, when this nicely toned piece of mare with hind legs like tree-trunks sits down next to me at the bar. The unicorn serving us obviously knew her, so he pours her a drink without her even saying a word, and it was the same kind of scotch that I freaking adore.

That was the first indication - ordering a “guy” drink; well, actually, there is another reason that a mare would order a guy drink, but that’s a different lesson and a whole new play entirely. I’ll teach you how to deal with that kind of chick later on. I also noticed what she was wearing - namely, a hat.

“Shush, Archie. Stallions are talking.”

The important thing about this hat was all in the design. It was brown felt, a stetson, the kind normally not worn by the type to be doing the down to earth work, more closer to that of the owner of the farm. Looking at her hooves, and especially those hind legs, I mean, damn. Filly’s got plot, y’know? Anyway, yeah, the hat was pristine, but everything about this mare said hard-working and in need of a good spelunking.

“Pfft.”

As I was saying, so, I turned to her, and dropped my voice an octave or two. Pay attention to that, Archie - mares love a deep-voiced stallion, says something to their primal instincts.

“Long day, huh?” I asked her, sipping my scotch.

“They always are.” she replied. Her voice was lovely - one of those cute rustic accents where all the I’s sound like ‘Ah’, it was smooth, but strong; like the scotch funnily enough.

“Y’know, my dad always says that a hard day’s work is a reward to itself when the day is done.”

“Mah pappy once said the same thing.”

“He sounds like a wise stallion.”

“Was a wise stallion.” she replied, looking into her drink again.

“Oh, I’m so sorry.”

“S’alright. Ah’m Applejack.”

“Nice to meet you, I’m Matterhorn.”

“Well, Matterhorn, Ah should really be goin’. Ah’ve got an early start tomorrow, gettin’ the fields ploughed ready for planting some barley.” she said, pulling a couple of bits out of her saddlebag and tossing them into the jar behind the bar. The barpony tipped his flat cap to her, and I downed the rest of my drink.

“Mind if I walk you home? It’s a cold night.”

“Sure, that’s mighty polite of ya, Matterhorn.”

It turned out that her home was this freaking huge farm, quite a distance outside of the little town. We talked a little more, and I could tell that she was definitely going to be ‘climbing the Matterhorn’ tonight.

When we finally got to hers, it was absolutely freezing outside. I could see my breath and everything - but, well, I was watching AJ’s rump in front of me. You’ve got to remember to keep your eyes on the prize whenever you think things are going to get too tough.

“It was kinda sweet of ya to walk me home, you’re a decent stallion, Matterhorn.” she said, opening the door to the barn, rather than walking back to house itself, “the kind that my pappy would’ve wanted me to bring home someday.”

“Well, you have brought me home.” I said, inching closer, my face less than a foot away from hers. I could smell the whiskey still on her breath, but she wasn’t drunk - which was impressive.

“I... Ah don’t know, sugar cube, Ah mean, mah granny ‘n sister ‘n-”

She was babbling, so I kissed her. She tasted great, and soon had her forelegs wrapped around my neck, pulling my tie off whilst she dragged me into the barn to lay in the warm, dry hay with her. She sure was... enthusiastic, she even ripped my shirt right off - really, I should have told her about the buttons, but I was a bit too preoccupied with those beautiful legs. I levitated the hat off of her, and tried to remove the loop from her mane, but that was a little complicated considering that my little cowgirl was trying to get into a certain positio-

“Pfft. Fine, you can have the ‘teen’ rated version.”

Anyway, we woke up in the morning with this HUGE red stallion standing over us. He did not seem happy - my first assumption was husband... don’t look at me like that, Archie - She didn’t mention him.

“You’ve got thirty seconds before Ah introduce you to a whole world of hurt, boy. Applejack, you’re late for helping with the ploughing, why?”

“She was getting ploughed.” I replied, winking at the blushing mare who was struggling to get all of the hay out of her mane.

I don’t think I’ve ever galloped faster than I did when running from that guy. When he eventually gave up, I found myself in the middle of freaking nowhere.

“Alright now, Archie - take a look around the bar, what do you see?”

You look around, and see a white earth-pony mare in the corner of the room with her friends. You think that it’s simply her gorgeous jet-black mane hanging around her face that has you so enticed, until you notice the drink by her hooves - a pint of cold apple cider, opposed to the fruity and exotic looking drinks of her peers.

As she bursts into laughter at one of her companions, she brushes her mane aside to reveal several ear-piercings. Looking more, you also see a set of silver dog-tags hung around her neck.

“Bingo.” Matterhorn says, “I’ll get her friends away. When she’s alone, just go and talk to her, okay? I’m not expecting you to score, but from what I’ve seen of you so far, just a phone number would be a result.”

Without skipping a beat, Matterhorn gets up from his seat, and trots over to the giggling group of fillies, who all look him over, you notice. Full of confidence and charm, you hear him ask the mares to go with him.

“Hello, ladies. I’m hung like a horse, and looking for some mares to entertain tonight. How about...” he points at three of the four, “You, you and you, come with me?”

“Oh? Why not me?” The mare you had been looking at asks,

“Well, firstly, there’s only one of me,” Matterhorn says, grinning, before grabbing you and dragging you in front of her, “Secondly, haaaave you met Archie?”

You try your best to smile, and greet her shakily whilst Matterhorn trots out of the bar, mares in tow. She looks you up and down, and smiles back, her blue eyes looking into yours.

“Hi, I’m Songbird, it’s nice to meet you, Archie.”

Panicking slightly, you try to remember what Matterhorn had taught you, sweat beginning to form beads on your forehead. Glancing at Songbird, she simply smiles, and brushes her mane to behind her ear.

“So... uh, would you like another drink?” you ask, giving up on the lesson learned. Songbird giggles, and points her hoof at the three-quarter full glass of cider in front of her.

“I’m alright, but thank you, maybe I’ll take you up on that later?”

“Oh...” you reply, saddened at being rejected, and you turn away.

“Hey, hey, I’m all alone, don’t you want to keep me company?” Songbird says, making you turn back to her. You sit next to her, and your nerves get the better of you, making you silent.

“First time talking to a mare in a bar, right?” Songbird asks, putting a hoof on yours.

“Y...yeah.” you reply, forcing your voice lower, as Matterhorn suggested.

“Y’know, I heard pretty much everything that your unicorn friend said. Sounds like quite a story, if I’m honest.”

“H...how?”

“My thing is acoustics. I have flawless hearing, and I’m quite a good lip-reader. I’m actually the sound engineer for Vinyl Scratch’s new tour.”

“No way? That’s awesome!” you exclaim, noticing that Songbird had once again run her hoof through her hair.

“Anyway, what your friend said about Daddy Issues, is mostly completely wrong, and just a little offensive.”

“I’m sorry...” you start, before a new idea comes into your mind, “So... how should I approach mares?”

“Just be yourself. You don’t need any fancy psychology, there’s somepony out there for everypony. I actually think the whole father-son thing you two have is kind of cute.”

“Father-son thing?”

“Yeah, him trying to teach you, and being so hopeless at it.” Songbird replies, giggling once more and leaning closer to you, “Also, scotch is terrible, would you like to try some cider?”

“Sure.” you reply, moving to take the glass.

Before you get chance, Songbird takes the glass from you and has a sip, before planting her lips on yours, completely to your surprise, her tongue invading your mouth and tasting of the sweet golden drink, made from delicious Sweet Apple Acres apples.

Chapter Two - Savaged by a Rare and Beautiful Creature
Many thanks to Eights and Smayds for proof-reading.

A week has passed since your first lesson from the light blue unicorn named Matterhorn. Your night with Songbird had been incredible - although she hadn’t returned your calls the day after, you can’t wait to tell your mentor that you had succeeded.

You weren’t entirely sure why you had been so excited to see him again, as your experience with Songbird had proven that his advice was completely useless; but still, you hadn’t seen your own friends in a fair while, and Matterhorn would at least listen. Taking your usual seat at the bar, you buy whiskey on the rocks and wait for the light blue unicorn to appear.

“Gooood evening, Archie!” Matterhorn practically sings, “I’ve got another story for you tonight, and a lesson on picking up the quiet loner girls who are OH-SO sensitive.”

“Uh, great. Matterhorn, I wanted to tell you about last week?”

“Songbird? Yeah, I know.” he replies, casually. You notice that it’s a little weird that Matterhorn knows her name, but assume it was something that the other mares had told him.

“So, what’s this about quiet mares?”

“Well, usually they’re the type to be pretty artsy, but so, so passionate if you can talk your way into the sack with them. One thing I will add though, Archie, is make sure you get rid of any damned pets! I call this play The Brave Fighter. The way that it works? Shy girls usually want the big handsome stallion who can take a beating, but they don’t have the confidence to actually talk to them.”

This was the day after I introduced the element of honesty to the element of banging. My suit had been pretty much ruined in a combination of running through the bush away from her plot-hole husband, and the damage to my suit as AJ had tried to rip it off of me before we did the horizontal fandango. I was genuinely feeling a little too awesome from the whole experience to care where I was going.

“No, I meant what I said.”

When I’d finally finished running, I had no freaking clue where I was. I could see the clear blue sky above me, but in all directions all I could see was trees; and not the apple trees from the farm I’d abandoned - these were those old, gnarled and knotted trees, the kind you see on the cover of horror stories.

I stopped moving for a little while, to look at this tree that had an amazing resemblance to a mare I slept with a couple of months back, and began to hear the rush of water. I figured that I could do with a wash, so I followed the sound to a waterfall feeding into a lake, in a clearing. Before I got close, I noticed this astounding butter-yellow mare, bathing in the water. I could smell herbs on the gentle breeze, and she was half-singing, half-humming this really familiar tune.

She couldn’t see me, but I could see that the local wildlife had taken something of an interest in her - seriously, all sorts of critters were listening to her sing, and I’m sure I saw a humming bird perch on her hoof. Seeing as she had this intense love for nature, I figured that she’d be the kind of filly to have a great deal of care for those around her, and so I decided to come up with a plan.

Whilst I was thinking and watching her, something a bit weird happened - this little critter, a white rabbit who can’t have been higher than about ten inches, came up to me. It didn’t seem to like the fact that I was enjoying the view, so I kicked it.

It started it, the little plothole kicked me, so I kicked it back - only difference being that the bunny vanished into the distance.

Anyway, forming a plan, I watched her for about ten minutes longer.

“Haha, you mean clop? Pfft, please.”

No, Archie, what I did was shred my suit a little more, and slam my face into a tree in the undergrowth just hard enough to give me a shiner and a nosebleed - sure, it stung, but I had a hunch. Yes, Archie - I played a hunch, big whoop.

Anyway, I staggered out into the clearing clutching my head, staggering and eventually falling over next to the lake. The mare almost immediately screamed and dashed behind a rock, and I think I must have laid there with my eyes closed for at least another five minutes before I felt a hoof at my neck.

Usually, I don’t like mares feeling my neck. Throwing their forehooves around me is fine, but actual touching is a little too close to strangling for my taste.

Realising that she was feeling for my pulse, I groaned and rolled onto my back, giving her a nice long look at the goods.

Hey, she looked. I managed to crack an eye open and noticed her face staring at my junk. Yes, Archie - that did actually work, and close your mouth, you’re making ponies look at us as if I just tried to break up with you or something.

I groaned again, and rolled away from her. Clearly I’d caught her off-guard, as she gave this bizarre-adorable kind of squeak and galloped off again to back behind her rock. This was starting to get a bit boring, so I figured I’d “regain consciousness”.

“Hello?” I called, trying to make my voice sound as awful as possible, “Is somepony there? I... I think I need help, I’ve been robbed...”

I saw the tips of her ears, and her soft-pink mane as she tried to peer over the rock.

“Please, I need help, I can see you.”

I then tried to drag myself closer to the water, yelping every couple of feet or so. I eventually got close enough to try and drink, and then had a better idea - I let my head go, and blew a few weak bubbles into the water before holding what was left of my breath.

In a flash, she had hauled me out of the water and tried to force a breath into my mouth. Her lips were really soft, as if she’d moisturised every single day since she was a foal. I opened my eyes, and ran a hoof through that mane. She squeaked again, but didn’t bolt - mostly because I was holding on to her. I let her pull away, eventually, and looked into her massive cyan eyes.

Pay attention to this, Archie - the timid shy ones LOVE the romantic gestures, like staring into their eyes. Also, try to keep yourself square to them when you’re talking to them - it makes you look more masculine and like you’re actually interested in whatever you’re talking about.

“Hi...” I said,

“Are... are you alright?” she whispered, her voice barely heard over the noise of the waterfall nearby.

“No, I was robbed. There were four of them, gryphons.”

“Oh no! They can be so awful to ponies! I met one once and and” she babbled.

“I managed to take one of them, but... they all joined in and I’m so hurt. My hooves ache and I think my nose is broken and-”

“You fought them?” she gasped, “I’m amazed you survived!”

I grinned, and let her go. She took a scrap of my suit, and dipped it in the water nearby - then began to clean me, I faked a little resistance, trying to pull the whole “I’m a big studly stallion, I can do it myself.” thing.

That was when she glared at me.

It was... weird, like y’know, that moment when you’re a kid and your mom has just snapped? It was that kind of look. I froze, and decided it was best to let her continue with what she was doing.

When she finished, she slowly helped me onto my hooves, and we began to walk. I put on a limp, and asked where we were going.

“Your suit was ripped, I wanted to take you to my friend, she’s a designer and a seamstress and she’s very good, if that’s alright with you.”

“I’m feeling a lot better, how about I walk you home, and then you point me in your friend’s direction? I’m Matterhorn, by the way.”

“Oh!” she squeaked again, blushing slightly, “I never introduced myself! My name’s Fluttershy, and-” she glanced around, “Hmm, Angel-bunny was around here somewhere, but I’m sure he’ll turn up.”

I swallowed awkwardly as I connected the dots - obviously the rabbit that took a dislike to me did so because I wanted to go at it like a bunny with his owner.

“Well, I do have my concerns about you, Archie.”

We wheeled around slowly, her still supporting me a little, we walked back to her cottage. It was a pretty place, on the outskirts of the forest I’d lost myself in previously - and even got all the way up to the front door. She looked for that damn rabbit again, but thankfully there was no sign of him. Looking around, I could see that she was definitely deeply in touch with nature - even her house was very natural and organic, and worked perfectly with the surroundings.

I staggered slightly, as we approached the door. She looked at me with a concerned frown.

“Are you sure you will be alright?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. Thank you for taking care of me, Fluttershy. It was very kind of you to help a stranger in need.”

I turned, and started to walk un-aided, then made myself fall after a few feet. Amazingly, she caught me before I hit the dirt.

“I know you’re such a strong and brave stallion, but you need rest.”

“I’ll be fine.” I said, before turning back to her, “Although, there is a way you could keep me here.”

“Oh?”

I kissed her. She squeaked again, but didn’t bolt. Slowly, I started to run my hooves all over her, she truly was one of the most beautiful mares I’ve ever had the pleasure of and something told me she was fond of going at it like bunnies, in terms of pos-

Yeah, I know. You’re such a prude, Archie. Anyway, I pulled back.

“I’m sorry, you just seem so nice, and...” I muttered, looking down at the floor, then back up into her eyes.

“Do it again.” she said, to my surprise.

“Would you like to go inside?” I asked, looking at the open door, the stairs up to her bedroom visible. She looked nervous for a few seconds, like she was considering it, and then gave the tiniest nod I’ve ever seen. Just like that, I kissed her again and backed her inside, keeping my eyes open to direct her backwards up the stairs - although her wings kept getting in the way, I’m sure you know what pegasi are like, huh?

“Wait, that’s it?” you ask, raising an eyebrow at Matterhorn.

“Well, you cry like a little filly whenever I get anywhere near the whole sex thing, and let me tell you - Fluttershy was dirty. Dirtier than a nun. I got savaged, bruises and everything.”

“A nun? Wha?”

Matterhorn sighs, and runs a hoof through his mane. He then spins around on the stool to face the bar, and orders another whiskey on the rocks.

“Archie, take a look at your two o’clock, under the TV, the mare with the glasses?”

You glance at her, seeing a light green unicorn writing something, the quill dancing over the parchment in front of her. She’s sat alone, and you wonder how your wingpony is going to help you out this time. Turning back to Matterhorn, he punches you in the face.

“Watch where you’re going damnit!” he yells, pushing you away, towards her. Reeling, you see him give a sneaky wink as he slyly mouths “play along”. He punches you again, and you feel a trickle of blood leak out of your nose as you crash back into her table.

At that point, a pair of large stallions appear, towering over the suited unicorn, and he dashes away whilst they give chase.

“Oh my! Are you alright? What did you do to upset him!?” the mare asks, using her magic to help you up to your hooves.

“I’ll be fine.” you grunt, “He didn’t hit that hard.”

“I’m Peppermint, are you sure you’re going to be alright?”

“Well, now that I’ve met you, my nights looking up again already.” you reply, trying to be smooth.

“Do you get into fights a lot?”

“Not often,” you say, shrugging and unsure as to whether Matterhorn’s tactic was working, “But I hold my own.”

Peppermint levitates a handkerchief out of her saddlebag, and dabs at your nose.

“My apartment is just over the road, let’s go and get you cleaned up, you poor poor thing.” she says, gathering her stuff together and leading you out of the bar - obviously Matterhorn's advice wasn't as useless as you thought...