“You’re probably wondering what I, Discord, am doing in your office. Probably?”

Mayor Mare replied with a wide grin and absolutely no other movements.

“Please, no need to be so excited. I’m actually here because I have… well…” He rubbed the back of his neck. “Well… you see, I haven’t exactly been feeling good as of late, to be bluntly honest.”

Again, Mayor Mare replied by doing her best impression of a statue.

“Shocking, I know. Former spirit of disharmony and chaos—now reformed, of course—revealing he has doubts about something? Unheard of!” he said, shaking his head. He snapped his fingers, a red colored chaise lounge materializing in a flash of white behind him. Without wasting a second, he lay his serpentine body down on it, keeping his eyes on Mayor Mare.

Discord stroked his small gray beard. “I think it’s better if I just get to the point then,” he said, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath to relax.

It was odd that Mayor Mare was so quiet. Usually, she had entire speeches ready to go at times like this. Lines along the lines of “What are you planning, Mr. Discord,” or “I’m a very busy mare. You’ll have to make an appointment!”

“You see, I’ve become quite the problem solver as of late. I never intended to, but I tend to be in the right place at the wrong time. Imagine that, Discord—spirit of chaos—fixing problems instead of causing them!” Discord’s brow creased. “I guess what I’m saying is, that I’m at a bit of a loss on what to really do next.” His eyes fell in the still silent Mayor Mare. “I guess all my gripes really started earlier today when I got back from Canterlot…”

“Hello, Ponyville! Guess who is back?” Discord announced seconds after teleporting to one of Ponyville’s crowded main streets. “How did everypony keep while I was gone? Hope none of you missed me too much!” He took a deep breath, his nose catching the mixed scents of sweets, alcohol, and something else that he couldn’t quite put a claw on.

After one minute of absolute silence, Discord sighed. “Fine, fine. I guess everypony’s too partied out to greet old Discord properly.” He placed his claw on his forehead and dramatically exhaled. “Oh don’t mind me, I’ll just go and do my own thing. Alone. Ignored.”

He gave the town one final glance before scoffing and snapping his fingers. He zeroed his magic on the one pony he knew would appreciate his presence—because she didn’t have much of a choice—Fluttershy. He found her while looking at a group of baby opossums—all of which were just as still as she was.

“Ah, there you are Fluttershy. My, you’re quite a ways from everypony else,” Discord said as he walked towards her. On the way, he saw other ponies either aimlessly (and mechanically) waving their forelimbs like they were in a parade, standing around and chatting idly (even if said chatting sounded more like it was coming from a cheap speaker hastily installed somewhere nearby), or sitting around tables looking quite cheerful—if a bit too stiff for their own good, with some even lying with faces flat on the table. Judging by the empty mugs of apple cider in their hooves, he figured they had just had a bit too much to drink.

He rolled his eyes at the sight. Still, a part of him couldn’t help but feel jealous of the well-drunk ponies. Maybe he shouldn’t have taken that trip and stayed in town to enjoy the Summer Sun Celebration proper. Then again, he wouldn’t have ever gotten another golden opportunity as he had obtained that morning. I do hope Celestia likes the little surprise ingredient I added to her cake. Makes me wish I’d gotten here sooner to see her face! He giggled to himself at the thought.

So lost in thought he’d been he almost didn’t notice he had reached his friend’s side. But perhaps more importantly, Fluttershy didn’t even seem to notice him in return. “Fluttershy, I’m here, if you haven’t yet noticed,” he said, opening his arms wide in expectation of a hug.

He got no reply from his friend nor the baby possums she was watching. He rolled his eyes in reply to the silence. “Quiet and meek as ever, I see,” he said, walking around to meet Fluttershy’s gaze, which was dead-set ahead. Despite the soft smile on her lips that could bring any strong stallion to his knees, she looked less like a pony, and more like one of those gaudy statues Celestia kept in her garden.

Discord’s brow creased. “Oh come now, don’t tell me you’ve also been hitting the drink,” he said, crossing his arms and scowling. “For starters, where’s my hug?”

Fluttershy gave neither a peep nor a squeak. Discord again rolled his eyes. “Oh honestly, the silent treatment?” He set his eyes on the baby opossums. “I get that you're trying to train the possums, but this is taking things a tad too far.” He sighed and shook his head. “If this is about the town decorating, then yes, I should’ve stayed to help. But you don’t understand, I had to take the opportunity that just fell into my hands! When else was I going to get to prank Celestia in such glorious fashion!?”

Discord scowled when Fluttershy said nothing. “Okay, fine! Ignore me, see if I care.” He turned around and huffed. “I’ll just go find somepony else who will give me the time of day.” With a snap of his fingers, the draconequus once more teleported, leaving Fluttershy alone with the baby opossums.

Somewhere deep within her castle, Twilight Sparkle was nose-deep in yet another ancient tome of unspeakable and eldritch knowledge. Beside her, a bipedal being roughly six feet tall and robed head to foot in a thick yellow robe with a pair of pitch-black voids for eyes stood by, balanced by a thousand and one pitch-black oily tendrils. They diligently watched the alicorn as she finished reading yet another incantation.

“You sure this is going to help out?” she asked, turning her face away from the book and into the being’s face. “I don’t know how much longer I can keep the liveliness spell going. I also don’t think the record players are going to last the night. Do you have any idea how hard it was to find the appropriate sounds needed to emulate chattering and laughter?”

“ı' ǝɥʇ ʇɐǝɹƃ ɹnʇsɐɥ' ǝǝʇuɐɹɐnƃ ʇɐɥʇ ʇı ןןıʍ pǝǝpuı ʞɹoʍ˙ ɹǝʇɟɐ ןןɐ' noʎ ǝʌɐɥ ʎpɐǝɹןɐ ǝpɐɯ ʇı os ʇɐɥʇ ǝuoʎuɐ oɥʍ uɐɔ’ʇ ǝɔɹǝıd ǝɥʇ ןıǝʌ ɟo ǝɥʇ ǝuɐɔɹɐ—ɹo sı ʇsnɾ ɔıʇoıpı ɥƃnouǝ oʇ ʇou ʎɐd uoıʇuǝʇʇɐ—sı ǝןqɐun oʇ ןןǝʇ ʇɐɥʇ ןןɐ ɟo ɹnoʎ ʍoןןǝɟ ǝuınbǝ sƃuıǝq ǝʌɐɥ ƃuoן ǝɔuıs pǝssɐd oʇuı ǝɥʇ sɯןɐǝɹ ɟo ǝɥʇ pǝʇɹɐdǝp” ( “I, the great Hastur, guarantee that it will indeed work. After all, you have already made it so that anyone who can’t pierce the veil of the arcane—or is just idiotic enough to not pay attention—is unable to tell that all of your fellow equine beings have long since passed into the realms of the departed.” )

“Well, here goes nothing,” Twilight said, her horn lighting up with lavender magical energy.

The entity put one of his extremities upon his face, the long and yellowed skin stretched over bones as ancient as the ground upon which the town rested. “ʎon qǝsʇ ɥnɹɹʎ' ʇʍıןıƃɥʇ sdɐɹʞןǝ˙ ɹıƃɥʇ uoʍ' ʇɥǝɹǝ ıs sʇıןן ʇıɯǝ ʇo qɹıuƃ ɐןן oɟ ʎonɹ ɟǝןןoʍ ǝbnıuǝs qɐɔʞ' ɟoɹ ı ɔɐu sʇıןן sǝǝ ʇɥǝɯ ʍɐıʇıuƃ ou ʇɥǝıɹ sıpǝ oɟ ʇɥǝ ƃɹǝɐʇ ɹıʌǝɹ sʇʎx' ʍoupǝɹıuƃ ʍɥɐʇ ɥɐddǝuǝp ʇo ʇɥǝɯ ʇo qɹıuƃ ɐqonʇ ʇɥǝıɹ dɹǝɯɐʇnɹǝ pǝɯısǝs” (“you best hurry, Twilight Sparkle. Right now, there is still time to bring all of your fellow equines back, for I can still see them waiting on their side of the great river Styx, wondering what happened to them to bring about their premature demises.”)

Twilight groaned in reply to the otherworldly black speech. “Please, don’t remind me of that mistake.”

The entity laughed, his voice echoing everywhere, yet nowhere at the same time. “ı ʍonןp qǝ bnıʇǝ dɹonp oɟ ɯʎsǝןɟ ıɟ ı ʍɐs ʎon' ʇʍıןıƃɥʇ sdɐɹʞןǝ˙ ʇo ʇɥıuʞ snɔɥ ɐ ʎonuƃ ƃop ʍɐs ɐqןǝ ʇo ʞıןן ɐ ʍɥoןǝ ʇoʍu ʍıʇɥonʇ ǝʌǝu ʇɹʎıuƃ¡ ıupǝǝp' ɐןן ʇɥǝ ɹnɯoɹs ɐɹǝ dɹoʌıuƃ ɐɔɔnɹɐʇǝ˙ ʎon ʍıןן ɯɐʞǝ ɐ ɟıuǝ ǝןpǝɹ ƃop ouǝ pɐʎ¡ nuןıʞǝ ʇɥosǝ ɟɐıןnɹǝs' ɔǝןǝsʇıɐ ɐup ןnuɐ” ( “I would be quite proud of myself if i was you, Twilight Sparkle. To think such a young god was able to kill a whole town without even trying! Indeed, all the rumors are proving accurate. You will make a fine elder god one day! Unlike those failures, Celestia and Luna.”) The being shook their head in what would have been described best as ‘disgust’. “so doʍǝɹɟnן' ʎǝʇ so nuʍıןןıuƃ ʇo pǝןʌǝ ıuʇo ʇɥǝıɹ ʇɹnǝ doʇǝuʇıɐן¡ ʇɥǝʎ sɥonןp sʇɹıʌǝ ʇo qǝ ɯoɹǝ ןıʞǝ ʎon” (“So powerful, yet so unwilling to delve into their true potential! They should strive to be more like you.”)

The spell Twilight was casting fizzled out, the words upon the tome’s pages vanishing in a puff of spoke. She groaned and shut the book. “Thanks for lying to me, It was another dead end!” she said, tossing the now useless tome aside while glaring daggers at the yellow-garbed entity.

The entity’s eyes narrowed. “ı ʞǝǝd ʇǝןןıuƃ ʎon' ʎonuƃ ouǝ' ʎon ɐɹǝ uoʇ ɹǝɐpıuƃ ʇɥǝ qooʞs dɹodǝɹןʎ¡ ʎon uǝǝp ʇo ƃo pǝǝdǝɹ ıuʇo ʇɥǝɯ' sǝɐɹɔɥ ɟnɹʇɥǝɹ ʇɥɐu ʎon ɐɹǝ uoʍ¡ ʍɥʎ' ıɟ ʎon ʍısɥ ıʇ' ı ɔonןp—” ( “I keep telling you, young one, you are not reading the books properly! You need to go deeper into them, search further than you are now! Why, if you wish it, I could—” )

Twilight shushed the entity as loudly and as sharply as she could muster. “I appreciate the help Mr. Hastur, but I do not need a backseat reader to tell me what to and not to do. I already have Spike for that!” Twilight said, pointing her hoof to the side, where Spike, dead as a doornail, sat by with a wide grin on his face, and eyes as devoid of life as a statue’s.

Hastur crossed his arms. “ɟıuǝ ʇɥǝu˙ ı’ןן ɾnsʇ sʇɐup ɥǝɹǝ ɐup ןooʞ dɹǝʇʇʎ ʍɥıןǝ ʎon ʍɐsʇǝ ʎonɹ ʇıɯǝ uoʇ poıuƃ ʇɥıuƃs ɹıƃɥʇ!” (“Fine then. I’ll just stand here and look pretty while you waste your time not doing things right!”) they said, crossing their arms.

Twilight smiled. “Thank you very much,” she said, picking up the next book in the tower next to her. This one looked to be bound in stitched together pieces of leather, with a glowing green glyph as its cover image. There was, however, something written below that in fancy cursive: Tome of T’char

Cracking open the new book instantly unleashed a wave of unspeakable evil upon the mortal realm. A voice like a thousand razor blades scraping against an old chalkboard echoed through the castle.

Twilight audibly gulped. “Spike, I hope this works,” she said absentmindedly, her eyes locked on the almost shapeless entity of pure amalgamated chaos formed before her eyes. Spike’s corpse, in reply, merely fell to the side, expression still unchanged.

At least he wasn’t in the punch anymore.

Discord materialized some ways across town. “I swear, sometimes I wonder if Fluttershy knows how awkward she can be!” he said, still in quite a huff. Little by little, though, a smile crept onto his lips. “Oh, who am I kidding. I wouldn’t want her to be any other way.”

He turned his attention to a group of fillies and colts, all of them running around in circles to each other, laughter echoing through the otherwise quiet street (even if, again, it sounded like a badly put together recording).

A mischievous grin formed on Discord’s lips. Oh, I know just the thing to cheer me up.

He waved his hand and turned invisible before walking up behind the group of still circling little ponies. With a snap of his talons, a small cotton cloud appeared above them. It rumbled softly before raining down chocolate milk upon them.

Discord had to put a hand over his mouth to keep his snickering from becoming audible. Yet, as the cloud poured its milky payload upon the younglings, he noticed something that sent a slight chill down his trickster’s spine: the kids were quite unaffected by the downpour of cocoa enhanced dairy. On the contrary, their cheering continued undisturbed.

He glowered, snapping his fingers again. On command, the torrent of dairy transformed into cold water, complete with ice cubes for extra effect. Let’s see them enjoy that! he thought. But to his great shock, the water had no effect on them whatsoever. If anything, it was doing the little ponies a favor by washing away all the sticky milk leftovers that had clung to their coats.

Discord, eye twitching and brow creased, snapped both of his hands, changing the rain into a small blizzard. Snow stuck to the little ponies coats while the water under their hooves froze into what looked like a miniature ice rink. Yet, despite all that, the colts and fillies just kept on skipping in their circle, as if there wasn’t a single thing wrong with their day.

Discord crossed his arms and huffed. Well, this wasn’t quite as fun as I was expecting. He glowered at the still joyous youths. I mean, this normally doesn’t happen to me, he thought. Maybe I picked a bad crowd. Yeah, that has to be it!

He snapped his fingers again, becoming visible and clearing up the mess he made. “Fine, you kids win this one,” he grumbled something else under his breath, but shook his head and turned his attention to a table where five ponies sat waving and smiling at nothing in particular. The smile on his lips returned in full force. At last, a crowd eager and waiting for me!

Puffing out his chest and floating, he teleported himself in front of the table, complete with a small stage that wouldn’t have been out of place at the Stable of Blues. He completed the look with his red jacket and medallion from last year’s Gala.

“Good morning Ponyville, how are you fine folk doing today?” He waited a full minute for any of the ponies to give a response, but there was only silence. It was almost as if the crickets themselves were also dead.

“Lovely crowd,” Discord said, diverting his gaze away from the five sitting on the table before straightening himself again. “Anyway, I was passing by, and just so happen to see you all looking all alone and rather bored if I do say so myself. So I—your best friend and entertainer—decided I would do you all a favor and provide a few laughs!” He leaned over the stage, a grin still plastered on his lips. “Won’t we have lots of fun today?” he smugly asked.

Yet again, there was no response. Ignoring the silence, Discord returned to his stage. “So, a friend of mine—and yes, I have plenty of friends, so don’t ask that—once asked me if I knew what happened when a frog’s carriage breaks down?” Discord started, his expression jubilus, yet unreadable. “So, I, of course, told him that it gets ‘toad’ away!” Discord smiled expectantly at the five ponies.

When no laughs rang out, he snorted and cleared his throat and did a fake laugh. “Yeah, great joke, I know. But here I have an even better one. So, this stallion was once sitting in a ball game, enjoying himself and whatnot, when he set his eyes on the flying ball. He told his friend that he was wondering why that ball was getting bigger and bigger. Until it hit him!” Discord once again grinned, his eyes set on the crowd of five, who were still just as unfazed by his brand of ‘comedy.’

Discord’s smile dropped at the sight. “Oh, come now, that one was a good one!” He sighed, the amused grin on his lips turning into one of determination. “You want a good joke? Fine, I’ll give you a good joke! This one killed my last audience!” he said, grasping the mic with both hands so tightly, that it looked as if it could snap it in twain at any second.

“So there was this stallion who went to the doctor because he was feeling down. He had himself checked, at which point the doctor said there was nothing wrong with him. The pony was still feeling down, so he told the doctor how he felt scared and alone. The doctor looked him over and told him, ‘the treatment is quite simple! Go see the great clown Grimaldi and laugh yourself silly.’ At that point, the pony started crying. ‘But doctor. I AM Grimaldi’ he said!” Discord vanished for a second, reappearing in the background of his stage with a set of drums, which he played for effect of the punchline.

The silence that followed the ‘joke’ was deafening. The vacuum of space itself couldn’t match the level of silence felt at that instant. One of the waving ponies slumped to the side, stopped only from falling to the floor by a very thin magical string. Even so, the body struggled against it, almost as if the pony wanted to flee.

Discord’s smile vanished. He would have welcomed anything, even Maud’s snark about his jokes being ‘basic’, than the silence. “What’s wrong with you ponies?” he asked, his cool vanishing as doubt and inadequacy swelled up from whatever cage he kept them locked in. “Don’t any of you know a good joke when you hear one?” he asked, heat rising all through his body. He materialized in front of the table. “Somepony, laugh, will ya?” he asked in a sharp, broken tone. He turned his attention to the rest of the town, his eyes scanning a very much laughter free crowd.

Discord scowled. “Fine then,” he said, his tone growing grave and deep. “You ponies want some real comedy, then I’ll give you some REAL comedy!” he snapped his fingers, causing himself and the stage from earlier to vanish in a flash of light. Moments later, he materialized in one of the main streets of Ponyville, one crowded with dozens upon dozens of residents, each one waving and smiling at nothing in particular.

If this doesn’t get them laugh, then nothing will, Discord thought as he concentrated on his next plan. Truth be told, he himself wasn’t sure just what said plan would be, but he had to try anything. At first, he considered his old chaos routine of turning the world topsy-turvy, but he knew no pony would laugh at that—least of all his friends, and certainly not Celestia. So, he instead settled on something a tad more mundane, but just as funny.

He teleported to a nearby roof so he could have a good look at his coming trick, and with another snap of his fingers, he set his plan into motion with a bright flash of white light. Let’s see them keep a straight face after this!

When visibility had returned, every pony in town stood wearing mismatched multicolored clothes, white-face makeup—with mares and fillies sporting gaudy red lipstick and glittery mascaras, and the stallions and colts sporting bushy multi-colored afro wigs and shiny red noses—and boots far too big to be proper hoof size.

“Why did no one tell me the circus was coming to town?” Discord asked loudly enough that his voice carried all through the town. “Must I always be told late that ponies are going to be clowning around?” he snickered in reply to his own words. “I must have taken a wrong turn somewhere because I somehow wound up visiting Clownsville!” Discord burst into furious laughter. So furious was his giggling, he didn’t even notice that not a single pony in town was reacting, instead only continuing to wave and smile absentmindedly as if unaware that they had been forced into clown outfits.

Little by little, Discord’s laughter eased. It was only then that he noticed the lack of acknowledgment. Something snapped in him, for nothing like that had ever happened to him before. It would have been one thing if ponies had been angry at him—that much he was quite accustomed to. But to be completely ignored?

Discord heard soft, yet persistent giggling all of a sudden. Turning his attention to the source, he spotted the group of fillies and colts from earlier, their mechanical and ceaseless laughter droning on and on, turning into a choir of mockery as they continued galloping around in their circle, unaware of the outfits now covering their bodies.

“No, t-that’s not what I meant. Don’t laugh at me! Laugh with me!” Discord stuttered. In his ears, the giggling only seemed to worsen with each passing second. He felt himself shrink with every giggle. “Stop it!” he hissed. He could feel it overcoming his usual careless and free self, filling his mind with questions that he hadn’t asked himself since being stuck as a statue.

He snapped his fingers and returned the town back to normal. No more ideas for jokes crossed the draconequus’ mind. Instead, something new had supplanted any desire for mischief. Something he himself thought he would ever consider. At that instant, only one other name came to mind. He teleported to her without further delay.

Seconds later, Twilight appeared in a flash of purple light, her nostrils flaring and her mane still sporting small strands of confetti and glitter.

“DISCORD!” she yelled at the top of her lungs, her head turning from side to side in search of the draconequus. She set her eyes on the nearest metal object in her vicinity, and with a zap of her magic, transmogrified it into a metal bat that would have made any baseball player proud.

Without uttering other words, she took off galloping in a random direction in search of her target.

“And that was the time when I met Smoozey in college. A good blob of amorphous stuff, if a bit too focused on the glittery goods. They need to cut back on all the gold; really makes them look fatter than they are.” Discord said, his gaze still set on the roof of Mayor Mare’s office, which he had stared directly at for the last few hours with such intensity it was little wonder that there wasn’t a hole there by now. He turned to look at Mayor Mare, who was still sitting behind her desk and still sporting the same wide grin from much earlier in the day.

There was something up with the way Mayor Mare was acting, but he couldn’t put a finger on it. Maybe he had already worn out his welcome after all, and the only reason Mayor Mare was giving him that grin was to pity him.

As his mind swarmed with even more thoughts on the prospect of a newly found acquaintance, the door to Mayor Mare’s office slammed open. “Discord!” Twilight shouted, trotting up to him. “There you are, you snea—!” She stopped in her tracks and cleared her throat. “I-I mean, there you are, you silly, silly you! Been, uh… kinda looking for you,” she said, a wide grin forming on her lips despite the beads of sweat dotting her forehead. She had her horn lit, levitating something just outside the office door where Discord couldn’t see it.

“Of course I’m here, Twilight. Where would I go at this time of day?” He turned back to Mayor Mare. “Oh, don’t mind her, Ms. Mayor. You know how Twilight can be.”

Twilight looked at Discord, and then at Mayor Mare’s corpse. “Uh… have you been talking to... Ms. Mayor this whole time?”

Discord snorted. “You make it sound like that’s a bad thing. I mean, Fluttershy wasn’t talking, and everypony else seemed to be so detached from everything around them. Almost like they weren’t even alive in the first place.”

Twilight’s sweating intensified. “What, dead? Of course not! W-why would everypony be dead? I-I-I mean, it’s not like a spell went wrong and it wound up killing everypony within a ten-mile radius! Of course not!” She giggled, sweat now flowing down her face and neck as if she had just concluded another Running of the Leaves.

Discord set his eyes on Twilight, his gaze narrowing. “Wait a second. What aren’t you telling me?”

Twilight shook her head. “N-nothing! Certainly nothing involving death or necromancy or the fact that I’ve already sold my soul to four different elder gods with no results! Yup, just another average celebratory day in Ponyville!”

Discord shook his head. “Sometimes, I don’t quite get you Twilight. By the by, what was that about you looking for me?” Discord asked.

Twilight blinked a few times. “Oh. Oh, that!” She waved at Discord with her hooves. “Nothing that important in hindsight! I think I can take care of things on my own now,” she said, levitating the metal bat she had been ready to use as far away from Discord as possible.

Discord turned back to facing the roof. “Well, okay then. If you would excuse me, I still have a lot to talk about with Ms. Mayor.” He gave Twilight a quick glance. “She’s a really good listener too. Surprised she’s not a therapist or something with how patient she is. Hasn’t said a word to me all these hours that I’ve been talking!”

Twilight shot one final look between Mayor Mare and Discord, giving a nervous chuckle. “Yeah. You uh… do that. I’ve got… uh… things to do. So. Yeah. Bye.” With those words, Twilight trotted right back out of the office, leaving Discord and a still dead Mayor Mare all alone.

“That girl needs to relax a bit more. All that stress can’t be good for her complexion.” Discord turned his gaze back up to the ceiling and sighed. “At any rate, I think I should tell you a bit more about my childhood. Well, it all started many eons ago, back when the universe was still a hot and chaotic place. I woke up really early in the morning when I heard this loud bang...”

Author's Notes:

Now then. On to special thanks:

Aragon, RH5, Selbi, Skeeter, 24th Pegasus, and Blueshift