Author's Notes:

Wow, it's been so long since I worked on this fic! I totally don't even remember what the original plot was gonna be but here we are. I think it's fine. I like to see a flawed Big Mac struggling with his emotions and with who he is. I hope y'all like it too!

Big Macintosh had never been more wrong. While Applejack hadn’t been going out of her way to ignore him anymore, she also still wasn’t talking to him.

Apple Bloom was just as mad as ever, and Granny Smith was holding her ground with a silent fist.

It was Saturday, a day that the family normally relaxed and spent some quality time together, but instead, everyone was holed up in their rooms and the house mostly quiet, aside from the dull thumping coming from Apple Bloom’s radio.

Sighing, Macintosh looked at his phone that just vibrated. Opening his messages, he read the text that his buddy Soarin’ had sent.

Hey man, I dunno if ur busy but I’m in my garage workin on the old ‘67 if u wanna come over. I bought a case of beer so I’ll just be here hangin out, listenin to music for a few hours. Feel free to drop by!

Big Mac thought about it. It wasn’t like he had anything else to do, and besides, with everyone fighting it wasn’t likely that his family was going to miss him. Plus, he hadn’t seen Soarin’ in a few weeks, so maybe working on a car and chatting about engines would pull him out of his funk.

Shooting a quick text back to let his friend know he was on his way, he slid off his bed and pulled on his boots.

*****

Shutting the door of his truck, he made his way to the open garage where he saw Soarin’ bent over his prized 1967 Mustang, fiddling with something.

“How’s she lookin’,” Mac asked as way of greeting, sticking his hands in his pockets and peering over the car to get a better look.

“Rough. I’m having trouble with the carburetor. I can’t get the damn thing to stop flooding. I‘ve tried everything I know, but nothing has worked.”

Pulling away from his work he wiped his hands off on a dirty rag. “I’ve been at it for a while and I’m getting frustrated. Want a beer?”

He walked over to the rusty fridge he had sitting next to his work bench and grabbed a couple bottles, handing one to Mac as he came back.

“Pull up a chair if you want, I’m taking a break for a few minutes,” he motioned to a white plastic lawn chair next to the wall. Sitting in his own plastic chair, Soarin’ cracked his beer open and took a sip.

Big Mac moved his chair so that he was sitting across from his friend and plopped down, opening his own drink.

“I was hoping I could convince you to take look. You’ve always been better with cars than I have.”

“Nonsense. Y’know just about as much as I do, but I don’t mind takin’ a peek. Maybe havin’ a fresh pair ‘a eyes will help.”

“Thanks man, I appreciate it.”

The redhead nodded and messed with the label on his beer.

“So I haven’t seen you in a while, what have you been up to?”

Mac snorted as he thought about his current situation, but wasn’t sure if he should he bring it up.

“Uh oh,” Soarin’ said, laughing a bit. “That bad, huh? Apple Bloom causing trouble? I’ve heard the teenage years are the worst.”

Taking a quick swig, Mac shook his head. “Naw, not that Bloom ain’t a handful sometimes, but it’s more of a family issue. It don’t help none that I’m surrounded by women that’re stubborn as all get out.”

“You’re pretty stubborn too. I think it’s just an Apple thing.”

That made Big Mac crack a grin for a moment before it fell again. Soarin’ noticed this and leaned forward.

“Come on man, what’s going on? I’m supposed to be your best friend, you can confide in me. I won’t say anything to anyone, I swear.”

“I… I guess I just don’t want you t’think badly of me. AJ and Bloom already do, and Granny Smith ain’t said one word t’anyone in weeks.”

“The fighting is your fault?”

Macintosh thought about it for a minute. “I reckon it might be. I sure as hell ain’t makin’ nothin’ better, that’s for sure.”

“Well, just like how I need fresh opinion from you about my car, maybe you need an outsider’s opinion about your situation. I’m not pushing you if you don’t want to tell me, but I’m here if you do.”

Mac eyed his friend. Soarin’ was a good guy, and even when he disagreed with you about a topic, he was still respectful. If Big Mac were to tell any one what was going on, if would be him.

Taking another few drinks, the farmer sat back and said, “alright, I’ll tell you. I’m just not too sure how you’re gonna feel about me after, though.”

Macintosh told Soarin’ everything. Finding Rainbow Dash knuckles deep in his sister. All the things he said to Applejack. The conversation he had with Rainbow. Apple Bloom not speaking to him. All the things Granny Smith had told him about homosexuality. His attempt at mending things with his sister.

After he was done talking he finished off his beer and set it on the ground next to him. “Now y’know. I dunno what t’do or how t’fix it. Hell, my feelin’s and emotions are so jumbled, I can’t even figure out how I feel. I just want this t’be over with.”

“Wow,” Soarin’ gave a low whistle, “I don’t even know where to begin.”

“Well, everyone else usually starts by yellin’ at me, or slammin’ their door in my face.”

Soarin’ chuckled. “I think I’ll skip those steps. First off, thanks for telling me. I’m glad you trusted me with this.”

“O’course,” Mac replied, “like y’said, we’re friends.”

Soarin’ got up and went to get a couple more drinks.

“You know what I think your problem is?” He handed the farmer a bottle before sitting back down.

“You listen to your grandma too much. I’ve known you since what, we were five? I’ve seen the way you act around her. Like you’re scared you’re going to disappoint her, or make her mad. But you didn’t always tip-toe around her, and you weren’t homophobic. You used to ignore all that stuff she said. You just let it roll off you like it didn’t matter. I still remember the kiss we shared when we were thirteen. When you were the one questioning things.”

Big Mac’s face reddened as he recalled that evening at the creek and the way his heart hammered as their lips met.

“What changed you? The Macintosh I remember was fun, and funny, and he loved his friends and family. You don’t even seem like the same person at times anymore. You always seem sad or upset, like something is bothering you, but you won’t tell anyone what’s wrong. Now here you are, treating your own sister like an enemy. Making her feel worthless, and unloved. That’s not who you are.”

A few tears ran down the redhead’s face. He looked at the ground as he tried to compose himself. A supportive hand met his and he recoiled. He didn’t mean to, it was just instinct at this point. His hand tingled where his friend had touched him. His mind reeled. Soarin’ didn’t know the truth about anything. His parents, his grandma, none of it. It was all on the tip of his tongue though, and he wondered what Soarin’ would think if he knew.

“Please Big Mac, what’s going on in that brain of yours?”

Mac’s eyes met his friend’s and a few more tears escaped before he nearly whispered, “I’m the one who started the fire.”

Soarin’ looked confused for a minute before he realized what his friend meant. His eyes went wide.

“Y-you mean-”

“Yes,” Big Mac cut him off, “I started the fire that killed my parents.”

With that, he set his beer down, then put his elbows on his knees, covered his face with his hands and started crying in earnest.

“I-I didn’t mean to!” he cried out, “I was jus’ playin’ around with a lighter I found, burnin’ leaves and such. I d-didn’t mean for it t’get outta control! I’ll never forget the way they ran t’fight it while Granny Smith kept us siblin’s in the house. It took the firemen a couple hours t’put it out and by that time, w-well…

“I was fourteen when they died. I didn’t tell my family the truth ‘til I was almost seventeen. O’course AJ and Bloom forgave me right away, they knew I didn’t mean t’start that fire. But Granny? I’ve never seen her s’mad. I was waitin’ on her t’get the switch, or t’kick me out. ‘Stead she just quit talkin’ to me. T’anyone, really. She wouldn’t even look at me. She ignored me for months.

“I did everythin’ I could t’make her happy and stay outta her hair. I got straight A’s, cleaned the supper dishes every night, did all my chores without complaint. Nothin’ seemed like enough, and I was already beatin’ m’self up about everythin’ that had happened. All I wanted was for my grandmother t’hold me and tell me everythin’ was gonna be alright, but instead she acted like she hated me.

“She started acknowledgin’ my existence again three months after I told her the truth. I was so glad that she was talkin’ t’me, but I was still worried she might stop again if she got upset at me about somethin’, so I kept doin’ what I was doin’, made sure t’agree about everythin’ she said, and be right at her side when she called.

“I was so focused on redeemin’ m’self that I lost m’self. I stopped doin’ the things I liked that she didn’t like, I agreed with her when she put people down, I quit doin’ anythin’ that might’ve made her upset or angry. Now look at me! I don’t go huntin’ no more, I don’t hang out with Caramel because she don’t like him, I never think about grabbin’ Sprite at the store because she thinks ginger ale is better, and Celestia forbid I wear a shirt that’s a little too tight. Now I’ve hurt my sister, the sister that was so quick t’forgive me for the awful thing I did.”

Big Mac took a second to rub his hand down his face, taking the lingering tears with it.

“I don’t hate Applejack because she’s gay. Granny might want me to, but I don’t. I just said those things t’stay in Granny Smith’s good graces. In fact, I envy her. She has someone t’love, and someone that loves her. Here I am, alone, depressed, and I feel like I’ve lost everyone I care about.”

“You haven’t lost me,” Soarin’ told him, “and you haven’t lost your sisters either. You just need to make things right. Your grandmother is in the wrong. You kept such a painful secret for so long and as soon as you told her, she all but abandoned you. Family doesn’t do that.

“I know this might be difficult to hear and do, but you need to stop listening to her. You’re an adult and she does not have authority over you anymore. You are the owner of Sweet Apple Acres. Your parents had it written out in their will that you were the beneficiary to own the land when they died. She legally can’t kick you out, or your sisters. You need to remember that. You can’t let her control you anymore. Even if she throws every wrong thing you’ve ever done in your face, that’s it. That’s all the power she has. She can’t control you.”

Soarin’ reached for Big Mac’s hand again, and this time he didn’t move away.

“You are a strong man, Mac. You have been through hell and back, but it’s time to let go and move on. Forgive yourself, then find yourself. Be the person you want to be, and don’t worry about what your grandma thinks. She can either get over it, or she can leave. How about you start right now? What is something you’ve always wanted to do that you haven’t done because you were scared of what Granny Smith might think?”

The farmer glanced down to where his friend’s hand was resting on top of his. Fresh tears started falling down his cheeks and he bit his lip. A dozen things went through his head, from drinking his favorite coke to replacing the old sign above the gate that Granny wouldn’t let him touch. But one thing in particular stuck out in his mind.

Clearing his throat, he looked back up at Soarin’ who was smiling gently as a way to show his support.

Shakily, Macintosh flipped his hand over so his and Soarin’s palms were touching. Giving his friend’s hand a light squeeze he said, “I’ve always wanted t’love you.”

A series of emotions ran across Soarin’s face as he processed what he was just told.

“I shouldn’t’ve said that,” Mac panicked after Soarin’ didn’t respond. He quickly got to his feet.

Soarin’ followed suit, grabbing the redhead’s wrist to keep him from leaving.

“No,” Soarin’ told him, “You shouldn’t have.”

Mac froze at that, not being able to keep the hurt out of his eyes.

“You should’ve said something years ago, you idiot,” Soarin’ shook his head, laughing. “I can’t believe it took you this long, but knowing what I do now, I can see why you never let it slip.”

“W-what’re y’sayin’?”

“I’m saying that I know how you feel about me. You might be able to fool your family, but you can’t fool me. I was your first friend, your first kiss, the first hand you held, your first date if you count asking me to go to the ice cream parlor with the money you had saved up.

“Even after your parents died and you started to change, you never stopped looking at me like you did when we were younger. I never said anything because I liked what we had and I wanted you to figure it out in your own time, but now we can add a new first. It’s the first time you’ve said what you actually want.”

Stepping closer, Soarin’ gazed up at the farmer.

“You need to talk to your sister. Apologize. Make things right. Tell her what you told me. Lay it all out on the line. And then, when you’ve fixed things with your family, come back here and we can discuss… us.”

Soarin’ wrapped his arms around Macintosh and pulled him into a hug.

“And for the love of all things holy,” he said next to his friend’s ear, “don’t you ever listen to your grandmother again.”