Denial

Author's Notes:

Well, here's another one. Hasn't been too long since I posted my other one, my first mature fic, (which if you haven't checked it out, you totally should) *cough cough* what? I mean, annnyways, just a warning, this fic is gonna say offensive stuff about gay people, sort of the idea of it all, but if you are sensitive about slurs and such, you might wanna turn back! But it's all for the plot people!

Also, I feel like I'll get a lot of comments about this, so... I know Big Mac and Granny Smith wouldn't probably react like they do, so yes, I know, but I'm using the 'traditional southern thing' against them for the purpose of my story.

So without further ado, please read, review and enjoy!

-Dawn

Big Macintosh wiped his dirty work boots off on the porch doormat before stepping into the cooled living room of the farmhouse.

He took a moment to hang his faded green baseball cap on one of the hooks near the door and ran his fingers through his shaggy orange hair.

As he lowered his hand from his head, he paused and looked around, the quiet surrounding him eerie and unfamiliar.

The only sounds he heard were that of the dull AC hum and the ticking from the old grandfather clock.

He smiled as he remembered everyone else was out for the evening, leaving him by himself for the afternoon, something he wasn’t used to.

Apple Bloom had went to a sleepover at Sweetie Belle’s and Granny Smith was going to be out late at Bingo. Applejack left saying something about hanging out with her friends and she wasn’t sure when she’d be back, if at all.

He never had much alone time, what with him having two sisters and a grandma to look after, and he was content to spend his time laid out on his leather La-Z-Boy, rooting for his favorite football team on TV… maybe even breaking out the hard apple cider and sneaking a few of the almond cookies Applejack thought she had expertly hid in one of the cabinets.

But first, a shower.

He made his way to the staircase, pulling his sky blue t-shirt up from where the front of it had been tucked neatly into his jeans, and started unbuckling his belt.

He slid the belt from around his waist as he stepped onto the second floor landing, and started down the hall towards the bathroom.

He was just passing his grandmother’s room when a series of loud thuds stopped him in his tracks.

He cocked his head in the direction of the noise and listened intently.

Could someone be home? He didn’t remember seeing anyone’s vehicles in the driveway, but then again, he hadn’t been paying much attention.

Another round of banging startled him. It sounded like it was coming from down the hall where Applejack’s room was located.

Deciding to investigate the noise but not wanting to do so empty-handed in case of break-in, he quietly walked the few feet to his littlest sister’s room and grabbed one of her pink metal softball bats, setting his belt down on her bookcase.

Gripping the object tightly in one hand, he proceeded down the hallway with caution.

As he neared the blonde’s room, he made out the sounds of a low growl and a voluble moan.

He stopped in front of the old wooden door, his eyes passing over the few drawings Apple Bloom had taped there for her big sister, a raspy laugh passing through the walls.

There was definitely someone in there, so without thinking much about it, he raised the bat in his right hand and turned the doorknob with the other, pushing it open and walking through the threshold.

The first thing he saw was a scattered array of textbooks, papers and a knocked-over chair, which easily explained the muffled thuds he had heard.

The second thing? Rainbow Dash three fingers deep inside his sister who was sprawled out on top of her cedar desk, plaid shirt open and chest heaving, pants and underwear dangling off one booted leg.

They jumped up as soon as they saw him, Applejack doing her best to cover herself up, and Rainbow hiding her wet hand behind her back, trying to discreetly wipe her appendages off on her skinny jeans.

“Eenope, nope, nope!” Mac cried out, dropping the makeshift weapon on the hardwood floor, spinning around and back out the door as quickly as possible.

He could hear Applejack calling out after him, but there was no way he was stopping to chat with her.

He took the stairs two at a time, all but running out the front door of which he had just come in not even ten minutes ago.

He didn’t even stop to slide his shoes on, not caring whether the gravel walkway hurt his feet.

He only stopped running when made it into the front yard, the green grass staining the bottoms of his white socks.

He bent over with his hands on his knees, breathing deeply.

Now Mac was a strong man, both mentally and physically. He’d seen a lot in his short twenty-six years of life, but nothing could have prepared him for this.

He knew his sister, being only four years younger than him, was at that age where she was most likely sexually active, even if he wished she wasn’t.

But seeing his little sister in the middle of… that, well, it was one of the many things Mac could have gone his entire life without witnessing.

As he took another steadying breath, it finally snapped at just who had been at the giving end of Applejack’s pleasure.

Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow and Applejack had been best friends since they were eleven, always wrestling and competing around the farm. They were inseparable. Wherever one girl was, the other was right there with them. Rainbow practically lived with their family during the summers.

As they grew up, Mac had noticed a certain closeness between the two, different than the innocent childhood friendship they had had before. He often shrugged it off as one of those things that adult female friends did, that adult male friends did not. Like talking about undergarments, linking hands to get the other to follow, sleeping in the same bed.

But now that he was thinking about it, there was also the things they did that maybe should’ve raised some questions. The butt pinching, kisses on the cheek, the chest grabbing. He really didn’t understand women.

But what he just saw… there was no way that was just a friendly gesture. That was something else entirely. And that something else made him want to lose his lunch.

The screen door creaked open and both Applejack, fully dressed again thankfully, and Rainbow Dash came out.

“See you later, AJ,” the prismatic girl said in a low tone before walking down the porch steps and heading towards the carport.

That explained why he didn’t see anyone’s cars, Dash drove a street bike and always parked behind the garbage bins to stay out of the way.

He hadn’t looked up yet, but he could hear Applejack’s footsteps as she strolled over to him.

“Mac?” Applejack cautiously asked over the sound of Rainbow’s bike starting up and driving away.

He stood up straight and looked up at the clear blue sky.

“What were y’all doin’ here, ‘jack? Y’were s’pposed t’be out for the evenin’.”

“W-well, I forgot t’grab my wallet before I left, so Rainbow offered t’drive me so I could get it, it’s got my cash in it and all…”

He sighed, “and that’s what y’all were doin’ then? Grabbin’ your wallet?”

He could hear her shuffling her feet, and knew that her face was probably bright red.

“U-uh, I… I’ve got somethin’ real important t’tell y-you, Macintosh. I was gonna w-wait until a better t-time, but the cat’s all but outta the bag now.”

He turned to face her, meeting her worried eyes for the first time since this whole catastrophe and raised an eyebrow as if to say, ‘go on’.

“Mac,” she took a deep breathe, “I’m gay.”

Big Macintosh stood there unblinking, almost waiting for her to tack on a ‘just kidding’ at the end. He quickly realized that this wasn’t a joke though and soon felt the air rush out of his lungs.

His little sister, a queer. This wasn’t happening. It couldn’t be. Granny Smith had talked to them time and time again about the sins and dangers of a homosexual lifestyle. It was supposed to be one man and one woman. Nothing else.

He reckoned that it made a lot of sense though.

The lack of boys coming around the farm asking for Applejack, the evasive answers she gave him about why she hadn’t found a nice country fellow to settle down with, and the strange connection she had with Rainbow Dash.

He just didn’t want to believe it.

“I don’t believe you.”

Applejack scrunched up her eyebrows, “what do y’mean? Y’just walked in on, well…”

“Y’know homosexuality is wrong, Applejack. It’s a sin. It ain’t right. Granny taught y’better than that. What’re y’gonna do when she finds out? She’ll kick y’out of the house!”

“Uh, well, y’see… Granny already knows. So does Apple Bloom. They’ve known for a while, actually.

“And yeah, Granny was furious when I told her. Hit me so hard I fell to the floor and told me I was goin’ t’hell. Nearly sent me packin’. She only changed her mind ‘cause of Bloom.”

“How’d Apple Bloom change her mind?”

“She started cryin’ and beggin’ Granny t’let me stay. Y’know how she can’t say no t’that little girl.

“I told Granny that I knew what I was doin’ was wrong, that I knew lovin’ Rainbow was a sin, but I couldn’t help it, and that I hoped that maybe if she got t’know Rae a little better that she wouldn’t feel so strongly about our relationship.

“She looked like she was gonna say no at first, in fact I was waitin’ on it, but she said she’d try. She’s still real upset, she’s been a mite distant with me as of late, but at least she hasn’t disowned me and that’s more than I could of hoped for. I guess she just wants t’see me happy… And Rainbow makes me real happy.”

“And Rainbow, she’s your uh, your girlfriend?”

“Has been for eleven months.”

“How long has everyone else known?”

“For two months.”

Big Macintosh ran a hand down his face.

“Look Mac, I know you’re disappointed in me. Y’were hopin’ I’d get together with some sweet southern man, maybe have a kid ‘r two, settle down and take care of the farm. But that just ain’t me. I’ll always be here for the farm and for y’all, whenever y’need. I’m the same ol’ Applejack I always have been, girls are just more my fancy.”

Mac stared at her a moment as she gave a small, hopeful smile. He almost couldn’t look at her at all, but forced himself to be a man about this.

“Applejack, I only have two regrets in my life so far. One was not bein’ able t’save our parents from the orchard fire I accidentally started, and the other? Not bein’ able t’keep y’outta hell when y’burn for lovin’ another woman.”

He walked past her and to the porch steps, stopping to turn around and look at her again. Tears were falling down her rosy cheeks and she was biting down on her lip to keep from sobbing.

“Tell Miss Dash that I don’t want t’see her ‘round these parts no more. If I do, it ain’t gonna be pretty.”

And with that, he went inside and left an emotional and broken Applejack on the lawn.

Anger

Two weeks had passed since Big Macintosh had learned that his sister was a lesbian and things in the house were awkward, bordering on uncomfortable.

He hadn’t said more than ten words to Applejack since then, not really sure what to say to her so he let her be. He didn’t even know what to say if he did try to talk to her.

After a few days of wallowing in self pity, Applejack seemed to buck up and act like her old self, to everyone but him.

If Applejack was working and Mac offered to help, she’d glare at him until he gave up and walked away. If she was in the living room watching a movie and he sat down anywhere within the vicinity, she’d get up and go to her room. If Apple Bloom wanted to play a board game with the both of them, Applejack would make up a half-hearted lie about why she couldn’t, then go sit on the porch steps until the game was over.

The only time she was around him anymore was during supper, where Granny Smith held the upper hand, making them sit around the well-worn dining room table together. She wouldn’t even look at him when he asked her to pass the gravy.

It was during one such supper that Big Mac noticed how worn out the blonde seemed. Dark circles under her eyes dulled the stunning green irises that once sparkled with honest sincerity, and a fake smile replaced what used to be a bright, radiant one.

He knew it was him who had done that to her with his harsh, hateful words. Maybe he should have been kinder about it, but then again, was there truly a nice way to tell someone that they were going to hell?

He didn’t want to hurt her, that was the last thing he wanted to do, but he needed her to understand how wrong and how wicked her ways of living were.

Granny always said that homosexuals were dirty, perverted people that tried to convert others to their ways of sin. He vaguely wondered if Rainbow Dash had done something of the sort.

He’d had his suspicions about Rainbow being gay. She had always been a flamboyant, tomboyish kind of girl, loud and brash and athletic. He knew that didn’t really mean anything, a lot of girls were the same way, but something about her attitude gave off a certain air. Perhaps he was just stereotyping.

Maybe she had gotten inside Applejack’s mind with her sneaky words, brainwashing her into thinking that she was gay? Or maybe it was a phase that Applejack was going through, trying to ‘find herself’ through a homosexual relationship.

Whatever the case, Mac was held fast in his ways of thinking, and he was going to do his best to show his sister that was she was doing was sinful and disgusting.

Applejack excused herself from the table after picking at her food for a few minutes, complaining of a stomachache.

Granny Smith and Big Mac watched her go, his grandmother shaking her head. “Poor girl is so lost, we can only hope she finds her way though this.”

Big Mac turned his head when he heard Apple Bloom snort and caught her rolling her eyes. He decided not to call her out on disrespecting their grandma, but gave her a stern look.
The rest of supper passed in relative silence, until Granny Smith asked Apple Bloom and Big Macintosh to clear the table and wash the dishes.

Their grandmother got herself a glass of water and retired upstairs for the evening, leaving the two siblings to their own devices.

Apple Bloom washed the dishes as Mac dried them and put them away.

“So, sis…” Mac started, trying to find something to cut the uneasy silence with, “y’ain’t told me much about how school’s been goin’ lately. Y’keepin’ up on your grades?”

“School’s just fine, Mac.” she answered shortly.

Big Mac was taken aback by her using his real name. Most of the time she called him Bubba, a nickname she had adopted for him when she was a little girl.

“Uh, you okay Bloom?” he asked, wiping off one of their white dinner plates.

Apple Bloom sighed. “Not really. Just a bit upset is all.”

“Oh? Y’wanna tell me what’s got y’down?”

She looked at him cautiously and handed him another plate. “Well, it’s about Appl-”

A loud knock interrupted her and they both turned their heads in the direction of the door.

Mac set the dinnerware down on the counter. “I’ll get it, but hold that thought, we’ll talk later.”

He walked out of the kitchen and through the living room to answer the front door. He could see a short figure through the frosted doorlite.

He swung it open to reveal Rainbow, still in her Wonderbolts pilot uniform, standing on the other side of the screen. Anger flared up within Mac and he growled out, “you. I thought AJ told you t’stay away.”

The athletic girl smirked. “Guess I’ve just got a knack for not listening. Or so my parents said.”

“Well then, listen t’this. You’ve got thirty seconds t’get back on your bike or I’m gettin’ the shotgun.”

Rainbow paled for a moment but continued on. “Look man, all I wanna do is talk. That’s it. I came over to have an adult conversation with you. Could you at least hear me out? I won’t even come inside, I’ll stand right here.”

Big Mac thought about it for a moment. He almost wanted to tell her to leave but he was curious as to what she had to say that was so important she ignored the threat of getting shot at.

“Fine. You’ve got five minutes so y’better talk fast.”

Rainbow took a deep breath before she started. “I know what you and your grandmother think about people like me, and that’s alright. I really don’t give two shits about what you or anybody else thinks of me. But Applejack does.

“She knew when she came out to Granny Smith that there was a huge possibility that she was going to get booted out of the house. Granny Smith was raised in a time where it was illegal to love someone of the same gender, where she was taught that homosexuals were mentally ill, that it was a disease. They weren’t even supposed to talk about it! And I know she passed a lot of that on to you guys. She’s talked down about gay people so much that you’ve started to believe everything she says.

“Did you know that Applejack has been struggling with her sexuality for years? I remember a couple years back, she came over to my apartment crying because she had thought another woman was sexually attractive. She was terrified that she was turning into, and I quote, ‘a low-down, dirty queer’. It tore her up to think that she might have been anything other that straight.

“Of course, I’d been in the closet for years, so when she told me that, I decided to spill my own secret. I thought she was gonna be mad or disgusted or something like that, but actually, she was relieved. She was glad to have someone to talk to about her issues, someone who could understand.

“It took a few months, but she finally came out to me. Applejack was a mess. She thought it was the worst thing to happen to her, and she was terrified that you all were gonna find out. That’s what really upset me. That her own family, her own flesh and blood would hate her and disown her over something as small as her orientation.”

Big Macintosh huffed a bit at that, but let her continue.

“We both knew that Granny Smith was going to be a problem, but we had no idea that you’d feel as strongly. You’re her fucking brother, Big Mac! You two have been through thick and thin together, grew up together, lost together even.

“It pisses me off that you could ignore all of that over what gender she prefers. She’s always looked up to you. You were her hero, and she wanted to be just like her big brother. Strong, kind, hard-working. So what is she supposed to think when you turn your back on her when she needs you the most?

“Applejack is distraught, Mac. She calls me crying at night because besides Apple Bloom, none of you are talking to her, or if you do, it‘s to make her feel worse than she’s already feeling. You guys act like she’s got the flu and you’ve gotta stay away or you’re gonna catch it.

“I know you were raised traditionally and there was a lot of bullshit pounded into your thick skull, but Applejack is your sister, and family should always come above some petty beliefs. Please. I’m not asking you to do a one-eighty where you magically start loving gays and march in a pride parade or some shit, I’m just asking you to be her brother again. She loves you, and I know you love her.”

Rainbow calmly ended her spiel and waited for Mac to say something. Big Mac, on his part, was seething. How dare Rainbow Dash waltz up to his house and act like she knew what was going on!

Besides, whether Rainbow and his sister were dating or not, this was a family issue and didn’t need the likes of her making matters worse.

There was an annoying nagging feeling in the back of his mind though, telling him that maybe the prismatic girl had a point, but he was too upset and too stubborn to listen to it.

“Now, you listen here Miss Dash,” he told her in a dangerously low tone, “I don’t ‘ppreciate you comin’ round here actin’ like y’know what’s goin’ on! What you and Applejack are doin’ is a sin, period! Ain’t no ifs, ands or buts!”

Rainbow snorted rudely. “Don’t know what’s going on?! Buddy, I’m in the middle of this fucked up situation! I’m part of the problem because if you don’t remember, I’m dating your sister!”

“Yeah, and there wouldn’t even have been a problem if you’d kept your nasty little fingers outta my sister’s britches! Y’probably did this on purpose! Sweet talked your way into her brain, makin’ her think and feel things she ain’t s’pposed to. I knew that when I had my suspicions ‘bout you t’first time, I shoulda kept her away, but I let it go on and now my sister’s infected, just like you.”

“I didn’t do anything to her! Were you even listening to my story? Applejack didn’t even know I was gay until she was questioning whether or not she was! I only told her so she knew she wasn’t alone! And I’ll have you know it was Applejack who made the first move, not me, so don’t you stand there and say I fucked with her mind, I’d never do anything like that! Applejack chose who she was of her own volation.

“It’s you who’s brainwashed. You’ve had so much shit recited to you by Granny Smith over the years that you’re not thinking for yourself! All I hear coming outta your mouth is your grandmother. The Big Mac I knew when I was little would never abandon his sister over anything! He would’ve stuck by her side through everything that got thrown their way.

“But this Big Mac? He’s just an overgrown asshole who repeats the dumb homophobic shit his grandma tells him and turns his back on his family because they aren’t the same as him. Celestia forbid that Apple Bloom grows up to be a doctor or something, you won’t know what to do.”

The taller man balled his hands into fists and narrowed his eyes, barely holding back his anger. “Your five minutes are up,” he told her as calmly as he could manage, “y’best get back on your bike and head on home ‘fore I do somethin’ I regret. I don’t need to take this from a scrawny, loud-mouthed, nasty queer. What I’m doin’ is best for my family and y’need to understand that. Now get outta here before I really do grab my gun.”

Rainbow shook her head and stuck her hands in her bomber jacket. “I’m going, no need to get violent. But Big Mac? I hope you know how much your hurting your sister by shutting her out... See ya on the flipside, big guy.”

Big Macintosh didn’t hesitate to slam the door shut before smashing his fist into the dark polished wood.

“Dammit!” he yelled, his anger finally getting the best of him. He hit the door once more for good measure before taking a deep breath and turning around, attempting to compose himself… only to see both Applejack and Apple Bloom standing on the stairs.

Applejack looked like she was barely keeping herself from crying and their younger sister was holding her hand, rubbing her thumb soothingly over the blonde’s.

“Infected? Is that what y’think I am, big brother? Just a dirty queer who ain’t worth nothin’?”

“Now, I didn’t say y’weren’t worth nothin’, AJ. I just wish you could understand how wrong your lifestyle is,” he tried to reason with her.

Applejack snorted and shook her head. “And beratin’ me ‘bout it and damnin’ me t’hell is gonna make me change my mind? Callin’ my girlfriend awful things is gonna turn her straight?

“This is who I am, Mac. I didn’t just wake up one day and decide to start likin’ women, it was always there… I just didn’t know it. And it was a long, tear-filled road to get here.

“But Rainbow was right ‘bout one thing. You’ve changed. This never woulda been an issue when we were younger, y’would’ve accepted me wholly. Makes me wonder if this goes deeper than what you’re makin’ it t’be…”

Big Mac stared at her curiously. “And whaddia mean by that?”

The blonde shrugged. “I dunno, ain’t never been one much for psychology but maybe your fightin’ this so hard ‘cause you’re tryin’ t’make yourself believe the words you’re sayin’ too. Maybe there‘s more to it than your lettin’ on. ”

“Are y’sayin’ what I think you’re sayin’?” he asked, “ ‘cause if y’are, I ain’t no queer and y’better watch yourself.”

She held up her hands in defense. “Hey now, I’m just callin’ it like I see it. I’m not tryin’ t’start nothin’.”

His anger flared again. “There ain’t nothin’ t’call, Applejack, and y’best drop the matter.”

Big Macintosh made his way back to the front door and grabbed his truck keys off one of the key hooks.

“I’m goin’ out. I need some air,” he told the both of them, wrenching the door open, “I’ll be back later, don‘t call.”

As he shut the door behind him, Apple Bloom turned to her sister. “Y’done it this time, sis.”

“Yeah, but I think I’m on t’somethin’,” Applejack grinned as she watched her brother’s truck lights fade away though the curtained window.

Bargaining

Things were getting ridiculous. Now not only was Applejack ignoring him, so was Apple Bloom. The youngest sibling had made it pretty clear who’s side she was on, and it definitely wasn’t his.

Big Mac sighed and sat the last basket load of apples for the day in the barn. Applejack was still out in the field, taking her time until she knew he’d be out of the way so they didn’t run into each other.

Family suppers were done in silence now, thirty minutes of forks and knives scraping loudly against plates and glasses being set down harder than need be.

Mac was mostly past his anger now, it was more of a simmering aggravation at this point. He wanted to talk to his sister but every time he made his mind up to do it, he remembered the night with Rainbow Dash and decided against it. He wasn’t sure he could make it through a conversation with Applejack without losing his temper, but he couldn’t live in silence in his own home anymore.

Closing the red door behind him, he made his way back to the house and saw Apple Bloom sitting on the porch swing, writing something in a notebook. She looked up as he walked up the steps but quickly averted her gaze when she saw who it was.

Pausing for a moment, he greeted her. “Hey Bloom.”

She ignored him and continued writing.

“Y’never gonna talk t’me again?”

Stopping her work, she glared at him. “Not ‘til you pull that stick outta your butt and apologize to Applejack.”

“Apple Bloom!” Big Mac scolded, “that ain’t no way t’talk! I outta get Granny t’wash your mouth out with soap ‘til y’know how to speak without that attitude.”

“Yeah yeah, go tell on me t’Granny Smith, I don’t care.”

Shaking his head, Mac decided against saying anything else in case it was something he’d regret later and walked through the front door, slamming it shut.

“Damn teenagers,” he mumbled, making his way through the house and up the stairs to his bedroom.

Pulling his shoes off, he leaned against his dresser and rubbed his tired eyes. He never realized how exhausting it was living with a house full of women until they were all angry at the same time. It was grating on his nerves.

Deciding that he’d feel better after a long, hot shower, he pulled some clean clothes out of a drawer and crossed the hallway to the bathroom he and his sisters shared.

Taking his time under the spray of warm water, Mac thought about recent events. Namely the predicament he was currently in with his family.

Despite what his siblings thought at the moment, he did love Applejack with all his heart. He was just disappointed in her choices, and if he had to admit, which he wouldn’t, he was a tiny bit disappointed in himself.

Ever since Rainbow Dash had come over, doubt had been gnawing at the back of his mind. What if she was right? What if all she’d said was true and Applejack confided in her best friend instead of him because she knew what he’d say? She couldn’t talk to her brother who’d she’d been through thick and thin with because he’d abandon her?

And what about Granny Smith? That’s what really got at him. How could he turn his back on his grandmother who’d raised him since he was thirteen? Surely someone that had cared for them for so long wouldn’t cast out their own like they were nothing.

But… family stuck together no matter what. Even with all the talks Granny gave them growing up about sticking up for each other, she had ditched Applejack pretty quick. And so had he.

Turning the knobs off, Mac toweled off and made up his mind to talk to his sister. Maybe she would listen and they could fix this.

Throwing his clothes on, he walked out, a steamy trail following him as he stepped up to Applejack’s door and knocked before he could change his mind. He hoped she was in there and not still out in the fields, she had been almost done when he finished.

“Come in!” a muffled female voice answered shortly after.

He twisted the knob and pushed the wooden door open. Applejack was sitting on her bed, looking at her cell phone with a goofy smile on her face. He figured it was from her girlfriend. She was one of the only people who could get her to grin like that.

It fell as soon as she saw who was in the doorway. “Oh. It’s you. What do you want?”

“Can… can we talk a minute?”

“Why? You said what y’had t’say the other night,” she replied snappily.

“Please, just let me say what I came in here t’say and I’ll leave you alone if y’want.”

She stared at him at moment before sighing. “Fine.”

“Ever since your, uh, you know, came over,” Mac weakly started, earning a raised eyebrow from the blonde, “I’ve been thinkin’. Maybe my reaction was a bit strong.”

Applejack snorted rudely, but stayed silent.

“I just… AJ, please try t’understand how hard this is for me-”

His jaw snapped shut as his sister’s face turned red and she slowly stood up, glaring daggers at him.

“Hard on you? Hard on you?! Don’t make me laugh, Big Macintosh! Do y’have any damn clue what I’ve been goin’ through this last month?! I’m an outcast in my own house! The only one who acts like I don’t have the plague is Apple Bloom, otherwise everyone avoids me!

“I hate livin’ like this, knowin’ what everyone thinks of me. I’m gross and sinful and infected, and I can see it on yours and Granny’s faces every time I walk by. I never would’a thought I’d ever feel so alone. It hurts, Mac, so much. My heart aches every time I see you and Granny Smith, because y’all’re who I used to go to for support and now I ain’t got no one. But, please, tell me again how hard this is on you.”

“I-I had no idea it was that bad. I guess I never really stopped t’think about how everythin’ was affectin‘ you.”

“No… Really?” Applejack said sarcastically.

“Y’know, I’ve been thinkin’ a lot about what Miss Rainbow said, especially the part about what Granny believes bein’ ingrained into my head after all these years. It’s just hard t’think that someone as wise about the world as she is could be wrong. After all, she’s been around a lot longer than any of us. Maybe I just didn’t want t’believe that she wasn’t right because she’s someone I trust and I didn’t think she’d steer me wrong.”

“Just because she’s our grandmother doesn’t mean she’s right about everythin’. I know it’s hard t’disagree with her, obviously, but sometimes she just ain’t right about things. ‘Specially on matters of the heart.”

“I… I just want everythin’ to go back to the way it was. Now this house is a war zone and I feel like I’m standin’ in the middle of it, bein’ forced to take a side.”

“It’s never gonna be the same Mac. I ain’t gonna cover up who I am anymore just to make my family happy. All I can do is hope that y’all come around and learn to accept me for who I am. And if not? Well, I’ll see y’all on the flip side.”

Big Mac looked down and nodded. “I wish I was as sure ‘bout myself as you are.”

Stepping forward, Applejack put a hand on his shoulder.

“Things like this take time. I dunno what you’ve got goin’ on in that noggin of yours here lately, but don’t rush anything. And find someone you can talk to. That‘ll help to clear your thoughts.”

Mac gave a weak smile. “Y’sure you just don’t wanna change your mind ‘bout the whole bein’ gay thing?”

“Nope, I think I’ve made my decision,” she replied.

“Well, I better head downstairs and help Granny with supper. She’ll be hollerin’ up the stairs in a minute wonderin’ where everyone’s at.”

Excusing himself, Mac stepped out of his sister’s room and sighed deeply. That was more talking than they’d done since they had last gotten into a fight, and while it wasn’t the happiest conversation, he felt better having had it. Maybe they were finally on the road to amending fences so that they could be brother and sister again like they used to. With that thought, he made his way downstairs to help his grandmother with dinner.

Depression

Author's Notes:

Wow, it's been so long since I worked on this fic! I totally don't even remember what the original plot was gonna be but here we are. I think it's fine. I like to see a flawed Big Mac struggling with his emotions and with who he is. I hope y'all like it too!

Big Macintosh had never been more wrong. While Applejack hadn’t been going out of her way to ignore him anymore, she also still wasn’t talking to him.

Apple Bloom was just as mad as ever, and Granny Smith was holding her ground with a silent fist.

It was Saturday, a day that the family normally relaxed and spent some quality time together, but instead, everyone was holed up in their rooms and the house mostly quiet, aside from the dull thumping coming from Apple Bloom’s radio.

Sighing, Macintosh looked at his phone that just vibrated. Opening his messages, he read the text that his buddy Soarin’ had sent.

Hey man, I dunno if ur busy but I’m in my garage workin on the old ‘67 if u wanna come over. I bought a case of beer so I’ll just be here hangin out, listenin to music for a few hours. Feel free to drop by!

Big Mac thought about it. It wasn’t like he had anything else to do, and besides, with everyone fighting it wasn’t likely that his family was going to miss him. Plus, he hadn’t seen Soarin’ in a few weeks, so maybe working on a car and chatting about engines would pull him out of his funk.

Shooting a quick text back to let his friend know he was on his way, he slid off his bed and pulled on his boots.

*****

Shutting the door of his truck, he made his way to the open garage where he saw Soarin’ bent over his prized 1967 Mustang, fiddling with something.

“How’s she lookin’,” Mac asked as way of greeting, sticking his hands in his pockets and peering over the car to get a better look.

“Rough. I’m having trouble with the carburetor. I can’t get the damn thing to stop flooding. I‘ve tried everything I know, but nothing has worked.”

Pulling away from his work he wiped his hands off on a dirty rag. “I’ve been at it for a while and I’m getting frustrated. Want a beer?”

He walked over to the rusty fridge he had sitting next to his work bench and grabbed a couple bottles, handing one to Mac as he came back.

“Pull up a chair if you want, I’m taking a break for a few minutes,” he motioned to a white plastic lawn chair next to the wall. Sitting in his own plastic chair, Soarin’ cracked his beer open and took a sip.

Big Mac moved his chair so that he was sitting across from his friend and plopped down, opening his own drink.

“I was hoping I could convince you to take look. You’ve always been better with cars than I have.”

“Nonsense. Y’know just about as much as I do, but I don’t mind takin’ a peek. Maybe havin’ a fresh pair ‘a eyes will help.”

“Thanks man, I appreciate it.”

The redhead nodded and messed with the label on his beer.

“So I haven’t seen you in a while, what have you been up to?”

Mac snorted as he thought about his current situation, but wasn’t sure if he should he bring it up.

“Uh oh,” Soarin’ said, laughing a bit. “That bad, huh? Apple Bloom causing trouble? I’ve heard the teenage years are the worst.”

Taking a quick swig, Mac shook his head. “Naw, not that Bloom ain’t a handful sometimes, but it’s more of a family issue. It don’t help none that I’m surrounded by women that’re stubborn as all get out.”

“You’re pretty stubborn too. I think it’s just an Apple thing.”

That made Big Mac crack a grin for a moment before it fell again. Soarin’ noticed this and leaned forward.

“Come on man, what’s going on? I’m supposed to be your best friend, you can confide in me. I won’t say anything to anyone, I swear.”

“I… I guess I just don’t want you t’think badly of me. AJ and Bloom already do, and Granny Smith ain’t said one word t’anyone in weeks.”

“The fighting is your fault?”

Macintosh thought about it for a minute. “I reckon it might be. I sure as hell ain’t makin’ nothin’ better, that’s for sure.”

“Well, just like how I need fresh opinion from you about my car, maybe you need an outsider’s opinion about your situation. I’m not pushing you if you don’t want to tell me, but I’m here if you do.”

Mac eyed his friend. Soarin’ was a good guy, and even when he disagreed with you about a topic, he was still respectful. If Big Mac were to tell any one what was going on, if would be him.

Taking another few drinks, the farmer sat back and said, “alright, I’ll tell you. I’m just not too sure how you’re gonna feel about me after, though.”

Macintosh told Soarin’ everything. Finding Rainbow Dash knuckles deep in his sister. All the things he said to Applejack. The conversation he had with Rainbow. Apple Bloom not speaking to him. All the things Granny Smith had told him about homosexuality. His attempt at mending things with his sister.

After he was done talking he finished off his beer and set it on the ground next to him. “Now y’know. I dunno what t’do or how t’fix it. Hell, my feelin’s and emotions are so jumbled, I can’t even figure out how I feel. I just want this t’be over with.”

“Wow,” Soarin’ gave a low whistle, “I don’t even know where to begin.”

“Well, everyone else usually starts by yellin’ at me, or slammin’ their door in my face.”

Soarin’ chuckled. “I think I’ll skip those steps. First off, thanks for telling me. I’m glad you trusted me with this.”

“O’course,” Mac replied, “like y’said, we’re friends.”

Soarin’ got up and went to get a couple more drinks.

“You know what I think your problem is?” He handed the farmer a bottle before sitting back down.

“You listen to your grandma too much. I’ve known you since what, we were five? I’ve seen the way you act around her. Like you’re scared you’re going to disappoint her, or make her mad. But you didn’t always tip-toe around her, and you weren’t homophobic. You used to ignore all that stuff she said. You just let it roll off you like it didn’t matter. I still remember the kiss we shared when we were thirteen. When you were the one questioning things.”

Big Mac’s face reddened as he recalled that evening at the creek and the way his heart hammered as their lips met.

“What changed you? The Macintosh I remember was fun, and funny, and he loved his friends and family. You don’t even seem like the same person at times anymore. You always seem sad or upset, like something is bothering you, but you won’t tell anyone what’s wrong. Now here you are, treating your own sister like an enemy. Making her feel worthless, and unloved. That’s not who you are.”

A few tears ran down the redhead’s face. He looked at the ground as he tried to compose himself. A supportive hand met his and he recoiled. He didn’t mean to, it was just instinct at this point. His hand tingled where his friend had touched him. His mind reeled. Soarin’ didn’t know the truth about anything. His parents, his grandma, none of it. It was all on the tip of his tongue though, and he wondered what Soarin’ would think if he knew.

“Please Big Mac, what’s going on in that brain of yours?”

Mac’s eyes met his friend’s and a few more tears escaped before he nearly whispered, “I’m the one who started the fire.”

Soarin’ looked confused for a minute before he realized what his friend meant. His eyes went wide.

“Y-you mean-”

“Yes,” Big Mac cut him off, “I started the fire that killed my parents.”

With that, he set his beer down, then put his elbows on his knees, covered his face with his hands and started crying in earnest.

“I-I didn’t mean to!” he cried out, “I was jus’ playin’ around with a lighter I found, burnin’ leaves and such. I d-didn’t mean for it t’get outta control! I’ll never forget the way they ran t’fight it while Granny Smith kept us siblin’s in the house. It took the firemen a couple hours t’put it out and by that time, w-well…

“I was fourteen when they died. I didn’t tell my family the truth ‘til I was almost seventeen. O’course AJ and Bloom forgave me right away, they knew I didn’t mean t’start that fire. But Granny? I’ve never seen her s’mad. I was waitin’ on her t’get the switch, or t’kick me out. ‘Stead she just quit talkin’ to me. T’anyone, really. She wouldn’t even look at me. She ignored me for months.

“I did everythin’ I could t’make her happy and stay outta her hair. I got straight A’s, cleaned the supper dishes every night, did all my chores without complaint. Nothin’ seemed like enough, and I was already beatin’ m’self up about everythin’ that had happened. All I wanted was for my grandmother t’hold me and tell me everythin’ was gonna be alright, but instead she acted like she hated me.

“She started acknowledgin’ my existence again three months after I told her the truth. I was so glad that she was talkin’ t’me, but I was still worried she might stop again if she got upset at me about somethin’, so I kept doin’ what I was doin’, made sure t’agree about everythin’ she said, and be right at her side when she called.

“I was so focused on redeemin’ m’self that I lost m’self. I stopped doin’ the things I liked that she didn’t like, I agreed with her when she put people down, I quit doin’ anythin’ that might’ve made her upset or angry. Now look at me! I don’t go huntin’ no more, I don’t hang out with Caramel because she don’t like him, I never think about grabbin’ Sprite at the store because she thinks ginger ale is better, and Celestia forbid I wear a shirt that’s a little too tight. Now I’ve hurt my sister, the sister that was so quick t’forgive me for the awful thing I did.”

Big Mac took a second to rub his hand down his face, taking the lingering tears with it.

“I don’t hate Applejack because she’s gay. Granny might want me to, but I don’t. I just said those things t’stay in Granny Smith’s good graces. In fact, I envy her. She has someone t’love, and someone that loves her. Here I am, alone, depressed, and I feel like I’ve lost everyone I care about.”

“You haven’t lost me,” Soarin’ told him, “and you haven’t lost your sisters either. You just need to make things right. Your grandmother is in the wrong. You kept such a painful secret for so long and as soon as you told her, she all but abandoned you. Family doesn’t do that.

“I know this might be difficult to hear and do, but you need to stop listening to her. You’re an adult and she does not have authority over you anymore. You are the owner of Sweet Apple Acres. Your parents had it written out in their will that you were the beneficiary to own the land when they died. She legally can’t kick you out, or your sisters. You need to remember that. You can’t let her control you anymore. Even if she throws every wrong thing you’ve ever done in your face, that’s it. That’s all the power she has. She can’t control you.”

Soarin’ reached for Big Mac’s hand again, and this time he didn’t move away.

“You are a strong man, Mac. You have been through hell and back, but it’s time to let go and move on. Forgive yourself, then find yourself. Be the person you want to be, and don’t worry about what your grandma thinks. She can either get over it, or she can leave. How about you start right now? What is something you’ve always wanted to do that you haven’t done because you were scared of what Granny Smith might think?”

The farmer glanced down to where his friend’s hand was resting on top of his. Fresh tears started falling down his cheeks and he bit his lip. A dozen things went through his head, from drinking his favorite coke to replacing the old sign above the gate that Granny wouldn’t let him touch. But one thing in particular stuck out in his mind.

Clearing his throat, he looked back up at Soarin’ who was smiling gently as a way to show his support.

Shakily, Macintosh flipped his hand over so his and Soarin’s palms were touching. Giving his friend’s hand a light squeeze he said, “I’ve always wanted t’love you.”

A series of emotions ran across Soarin’s face as he processed what he was just told.

“I shouldn’t’ve said that,” Mac panicked after Soarin’ didn’t respond. He quickly got to his feet.

Soarin’ followed suit, grabbing the redhead’s wrist to keep him from leaving.

“No,” Soarin’ told him, “You shouldn’t have.”

Mac froze at that, not being able to keep the hurt out of his eyes.

“You should’ve said something years ago, you idiot,” Soarin’ shook his head, laughing. “I can’t believe it took you this long, but knowing what I do now, I can see why you never let it slip.”

“W-what’re y’sayin’?”

“I’m saying that I know how you feel about me. You might be able to fool your family, but you can’t fool me. I was your first friend, your first kiss, the first hand you held, your first date if you count asking me to go to the ice cream parlor with the money you had saved up.

“Even after your parents died and you started to change, you never stopped looking at me like you did when we were younger. I never said anything because I liked what we had and I wanted you to figure it out in your own time, but now we can add a new first. It’s the first time you’ve said what you actually want.”

Stepping closer, Soarin’ gazed up at the farmer.

“You need to talk to your sister. Apologize. Make things right. Tell her what you told me. Lay it all out on the line. And then, when you’ve fixed things with your family, come back here and we can discuss… us.”

Soarin’ wrapped his arms around Macintosh and pulled him into a hug.

“And for the love of all things holy,” he said next to his friend’s ear, “don’t you ever listen to your grandmother again.”