Don't Boop the Pony

by little big pony

Chapter 1: It's a Trap

“Stupid car… Stupid job...”

Jerry liked to think he was a simple man.

He had no desire to take the world by storm, he didn’t want to discover or create. Enlightened thoughts were few and far between and the thought to rid the world of its injustices never crossed his mind.

All Jerry wanted to do in the short time that he had on this earth was to have enough money to enjoy life and work at his little cubicle without anyone bothering him. More often than not, his desires were granted, but every once in awhile it seemed like the whole world wished to conspire against him.

“Why did I even get the Hapsborrow account? That was supposed to be Peterson’s!”

It had been a long week for the young man. He had gotten little sleep and the stress of his work was leaving him frazzled and short-tempered, and he knew that he would only suffer more when he returned to his desk.

But, for the first time that week, Jerry felt a sense of relief. For five days, he had weathered his work, and now it was the weekend. Instead of crunching numbers and listening to the higher-ups scream at him for things that he couldn’t control, he had three nights and two days of relaxation. He could do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted, and at that moment nothing sounded sweeter to him than sitting on his couch and watching TV into the early hours of the morning.

Parking his car in his garage, Jerry trekked through his backyard, his chestnut penny loafers becoming stained with mud as he dragged his feet along the ground. Though exhaustion was clear as day on his features, the moment he saw the back of his house he perked up.

Standing just a hair straighter he made his way to his back porch with a purpose. Unlocking the door, he threw it open while kicking his shoes across the kitchen. As he closed the door behind him he pulled off his tie and unbuttoned the top of his dress shirt.

“What a day,” he grumbled, running his fingers through his hair. “What a week…”

Setting his briefcase on the kitchen table, he made his way deeper into his home. He passed his dining room, his smoking lounge—a room which all real businessmen must have by law—and his living room, where the promised land, and his couch, awaited. Though he wanted nothing more than to order a pizza and watch Spanish soap operas until his eyes bled, he first needed to get his mail. So, with that thought in mind, he made his way to his front door and opened it.

The second that he did he cringed. “Jesus… what the hell is that?”

As soon as he had opened the door, the very distinct smell of burnt hair wafted through. If one was also sharp-nosed enough, they would have also been able to detect the smell of cranberries and alcohol. It wasn’t a very palatable combination by any means, and in fact Jerry found himself closing his door to get away from the stink.

For several seconds his mind raced. Where was that smell coming from? Did someone set something on fire on his lawn? When he walked out there was he going to see a burnt coat, or, heaven forbid, a dead, burning animal?

Jerry was almost tempted to lock his front door and make his way into his living room. He had no desire to deal with anymore headaches today, and if he didn’t see anything, that meant that there was no problem to worry about. While, for a few moments, this seemed liked one of the best ideas that he had had this week, his more rational side eventually won out.

A low groan escaped him as, in a bout of frustration, he pressed his forehead against his door. “I swear to god if it’s those Jefferson kids again I’m calling the cops…”

Bracing himself, both for the smell and the unknowable horrors that awaited, he threw opened his door and stepped outside.

Quickly looking around it seemed like everything was as he had left it that morning. The lawn was neatly trimmed and looked healthy. The birdbath sitting near his white fence looked whole and undamaged. Even the rose bushes that lined his house looked pristine. There was no dead animals, nothing was on fire, and his neighbor’s monster children hadn’t gotten into anything that they shouldn’t.

Jerry’s shoulders sagged in relief. He was about to sigh when he heard the sound of an empty plastic container hitting his front porch. Whipping his head around, he saw his little brother Tom sitting on his rocking chair.

Though Tom wasn’t known for his cleanliness, today it looked like he had just come from a battlefield. His clothes were blackened and ruffled. His hair was stuck up all on one side and his face was covered in dirt and grime. Parts of him also seemed to be smoldering, as if he had been on fire not that long ago.

There was also something in his eyes as he sat there, calmly sipping from his forty-ounce yeti mug; a tired, beaten, but not yet defeated glint in his eyes that Jerry had rarely seen.

Unsurprisingly, Jerry gawked at his brother, his mouth opening and closing as he tried to form the words that would properly convey his shock and confusion.

“Tom?!” he said, his eyes drifting next to his brother, where what was left of his broom sat.

The broom, which had cost him fifty dollars, sat against his house, cracked, blacked, smoking, and without the head. Instantly, any concern that he had for his brother was replaced with anger.

“What are you doing here? What did you do to my broom?!” he demanded, marching over to his brother’s side.

Tom, still staring straight ahead of him, barely acknowledged his big brother as he took another sip from his mug. “Well hello to you too, Alexander Grump Bell.”

“What happened to you, Tom?” Jerry demanded, ignoring his brother’s comment. “What happened to your clothes? For Christ’s sake, why is your hair on fire?!”

The ice in Tom’s mug clanked together as he swirled his drink. He licked his lips, leaning forward in his rocking chair.

“There was an invasion,” he said after a pause.

“An invasion?”

“Yes. I was trying to break into your house to use your TV when—”

“What did I tell you about doing that?” Jerry growled.

Tom dismissed his brother with a flick of his wrist. “Don’t be a crybaby. There’s literally no law against breaking into someone’s house to watch TV.”

“Yes there is! It’s called breaking and entering!”

“Easy there, Mr. Lawyer man. I couldn’t find your key anywhere so I didn’t do any breaking and entering.”

“You still tried!” Jerry said with a stomp of his foot. “And that’s still illegal! You’re lucky you’re my brother, otherwise—”

Finally, Tom tore his gaze away from whatever he was looking at to stare at him.

“Are you going to keep bitching at me or are you going to listen to what happened?” he asked, his nose scrunched up in irritation.

“Please,” Jerry said angrily. “Tell me what the hell you got yourself into this time.”

“I will. Thank you,” Tom said with a nod, before continuing his tale. “So I was trying to break into your house so I could watch your TV when there was a flash of light. Fearing for my safety, I jumped over your railing—”

“No you didn’t! It looks like you split the thing in half!”

“—Luckily for me I was quick enough to prevent injury to my person—”

“Aw man, those pillars were oak! Do you know how much they cost?! How did you even manage to break them? Those pillars are three inches thick!”

“—When the light subsided, I poked my head overtop the railing to see what had caused the light. I had, at first, thought it was some prank or trick of the light, but when I looked I saw that it was none of those things.”

Tom’s grip on his mug tightened as he took another sip.

“The creature was unlike any that I had ever seen. It was monstrous; with massive, soulless eyes and a horn of bone upon its head. I have no idea what it was, but it seemed like a mixture between a hellish dog and some warped, vile horse.”

Jerry’s eyes narrowed down to slits as his brother swirled his drink. “…So you’re saying that some kind of alien teleported itself onto my front porch?”

“Yep,” Tom said without hesitation. “It appeared and began making demands.”

This wasn’t the first time that Jerry’s brother had popped up at his house and started spouting nonsense. It also wasn’t the first time that he thought long and hard whether or not to call the cops on him. But, while he would have liked nothing more than to get his brother away from the house, he knew that if he called the police he wouldn’t hear the end of it from his mother.

“Demands?” Jerry said in resignation, hoping that this doubt of madness would be a quick one so that he could start enjoying his weekend.

“A single demand actually,” Tom replied. “When I poked my head over the railing—”

“The railing that you’re paying for.”

“—the creature looked at me for nearly a minute before it smiled, said hello, and asked me if I could walk over and boop it.”

A sigh escaped Jerry’s throat. He had a feeling that this was going to be a bad one.

“It wanted you to boop it?”

“Yes, it wanted me to touch the tip of its nose with one of my fingers,” Tom said with a nod, “the monster.”

“And did you?”

“Like I’d just go and boop some random alien willy-nilly,” Tom said, scoffing. “No, when it asked me to boop it, I did the only thing that I could do.”

Jerry’s gaze wandered toward what remained of his broom. “…Did you do that stupid thing you swore you’d do if you ever saw an alien?”

“There’s nothing stupid about wanting to defend your planet, Jerry.”

“It gets real stupid real fast when you scream ‘Welcome to Earth’ and start chasing something that you think’s an alien around with whatever’s near you.”

Jerry groaned, covering his face with a hand.

“Oh god no… you actually did it didn’t you?” he asked, pinching the bridge of your nose. “You went and attacked some poor dog with my broom and the dog somehow managed to beat you up.”

“You underestimate my opponent, brother,” Tom said. “It was no dog, or any being that this world has seen. It was something else. Something… other.”

“No. No it wasn’t. You’re just so drunk that you can’t tell the difference between an alien and some random mutt.”

“No, I’m not.”

Pulling his hand away from his face, Jerry looked down at the dozens of mason jars and empty plastic bottles of cranberry juice. He then looked at his brother, who took another sip of his drink.

“If you’re not drunk then where’s the alien?” he asked as calmly as he could, sweeping a hand across his lawn.

“”So when the alien asked me to boop it I saw that you had a shovel sitting up against the side of the house.”

“My shovel? What that hell did you—”

“So I grabbed the thing and jumped over and fence and tried to smack it over the head before it could prob me, but when I got close it disappeared in a flash of light. Because of that I missed my swing and ended up smashing the little table that you had sitting out here.”

“What one that the neighbor’s girl was nice enough to make me?! Why—”

“I saw that it popped into the middle of your yard, so I decided to chase it around. I tried to smack it a couple more times but it kept zipping around until it made the shovel disappear in my hands.”

“My shovel? Wha—”

“So I decided to grab the broom in your front porch and gave it’s behind a slap on the behind.”

Tom’s face contorted in discomfort.

“Unfortunately, when I did that it fired something out of the tip of its horn. I have no idea what it was, but it blew your broom to bits and almost took my head off.”

He leaned back into the rocking chair with a tired sigh.

“Still though, I hit it hard enough to send it scurrying over the fence. I would have gone after it but I decided to rest up a bit before that.”

“By sitting on my porch drinking booze?” Jerry dryly asked.

Tom shrugged. “Drinking enormous amounts worked for many great men throughout the ages. Who am I to go against their example?”

Rolling his eyes, Jerry slipped an arm around his brother. “Come on, let's get you inside.”

Tom resisted his brother, grabbing the arms of the rocking chair. “No. I still got an alien to beat the tar out of.”

“Let me get you up and inside. You can sleep in the guest room until you’re okay enough to walk home.”

“I will stay, and there’s nothing that the three of you can do about it.”

“…I’m the only one here, Tom.”

“Liar. I can clearly see you and two of your doppelgangers. It’s clear to me now that you’re some sort of witch. When I do get up I’ll get a whole bunch of guys so that we can carry you to the town square and burn you three at the stake.”

Jerry was about to rip his brother out of the rocking chair and carry him inside—making sure that he hit his head once or twice of course—when something caught his eye. Something was poking its head over his three-foot high fence so that it could stare at him and his brother. Something with unnaturally large lavender eyes.

Jerry froze, his eyes growing to the size of dinner plates. “…What the hell is that?”

Tom followed his brother’s gaze, frowning when he saw those purple eyes. “Ah, looks like the alien’s still stalking me.”

Releasing his brother, Jerry stepped backward until his back was pressed up against the front of his house. Even though it wasn’t tall enough for its head to be completely visible, he could clearly see what it was. A unicorn. There was a Labrador-sized unicorn with a little horn on its head standing on the other side of his fence.

“That’s a unicorn,” he said, holding onto the frame of his front door to keep from falling over. “There’s a real-life unicorn standing right over there…”

The winged unicorn’s ear perked up, as if it had heard him. Its head disappeared from view, though he could see its body through the gaps of his fence. A very quiet, feminine grunt could be heard before it leapt into the air. Jerry was able to catch a glimpse of its purple, horseish body, its multi-colored mane and tail, its face, and the two little wings on its back before it disappeared from sight once more.

“…Holy shit,” he murmured, sliding down the front of his house until he was in a sitting position.

His brother hadn’t been spouting nonsense. There was a unicorn standing thirty feet away from him. It didn’t quite look like a unicorn, sure. He had never heard of a unicorn being purple and he was pretty sure they weren’t supposed to be that small, but it looked enough like one to deserve the name.

“I know. Horrible isn’t it?” Tom asked, taking a sip of his drink. “Look at those big eyes and those little wings. That thing looks like it came out of some little girl’s nightmare.”

“Why didn’t you call someone, Tom?” Jerry asked, his mind trying to process what he had seen. “That’s a unicorn! I mean, why didn’t— you could— how did—?”

He covered his mouth with a hand as he realized that his brother had not only made first contact with an alien form but he had attacked it. A jolt of panic ran up his spine at the thought. If this alien, this unicorn, could teleport to his front porch then more of its kind probably had the same ability. That meant if things went south, and they offended their race in any way, the aliens could invade without any trouble. And since his stupid brother had gone and attacked what was probably an ambassador, invasion was a very real concern.

He needed to go over there and talk to the unicorn. He needed to fix whatever damage Tom had caused. Not for his own personal glory, not because if he did this he might be able to retire from all of the movie and book deals that he’d be able to get after this, but for earth and every living being on it.

With that thought in mind, Jerry rose to his feet. Taking a few deep breaths to calm himself, he straightened up his tie and buttoned his shirt.

“I’m going over there and talking to it,” he said, running his fingers through his hair.

“Good idea,” Tom replied, standing up with a grunt. “You talk to it while I jump the fence and sneak around so I can hit its flank. If we attack at the same time we should be able to—”

Tom grunted as his brother shoved him back into the rocking chair.

No. I’m going to go over there and talk to it and you’re going to stay right there

Giving his older brother a dirty look, Tom reached for what was left of the broom. “I’m mere artillery then? I don’t like it, but as long as I get some of the glory I won’t complain too—”

“You’re not going to throw anything either,” Jerry snapped, cutting him off. “You’re just going to sit there quietly while I try to keep the earth from being invaded!”

“Don’t negotiate with aliens, Jerry,” Tom said, deadly serious. “You’ll end up getting probed. Or worse.”

Wrenching the broom out of his brother’s hands, Jerry tossed to the other side of his porch. He then kicked away all of the mason jars and plastic bottles so that his idiot brother wouldn’t get any ideas.

“I swear to god, if you get up and try anything I’m going to let them take you for experiments or probing or whatever,” he said.

Tom said nothing, just staring at him as he took another sip from his mug.

With that finished, Jerry turned back and looked over at the unicorn. From here he could see it eyeing him with interest, something that made his stomach tighten. Even so, after taking a few more breaths, he made his way toward it, trying to look as collected and dignified as possible.

He walked over to the gate in his fence and opened it, making sure that his shirt and pants were in presentable condition as he stepped through the gate and closed it behind him. Standing a few feet from the gate was the unicorn, a big smile on its face as it looked at him.

“Hello!” it said in a distinctly feminine voice.

Jerry couldn’t help but jump. For an instant he had the overwhelming desire to jump his fence and run back into his home as quickly as he could, but he quickly reigned in such thoughts.

He needed to be strong for the earth and every man, woman, and child on it.

“H-Hello,” he said, meeting the unicorn’s smile with a smile of his own, albeit a far more nervous one.

The unicorn’s smile widened.

“It’s very nice to meet you! My name is Twilight Sparkle,” she—Jerry was positive that it was a she—said, offering one of her hooves.

“I’m J-Jerry,” he replied, taking it with a trembling hand and giving it a shake. “It’s very nice to meet you too.”

Twilight Sparkle giggled, her rump wiggling like a happy dog as he pulled his hand away.

Despite himself, Jerry’s smile became more genuine at the sight. He didn’t know what his crazy brother was talking about. This was no terrible alien from beyond the stars. Twilight Sparkle didn’t seem monstrous or unnerving. She looked cute and fuzzy, with her bright lavender eyes and her adorable little ears and hooves.

His hand twitched as the urge to pet the unicorn came to mind but he immediately purged the thought from his mind.

“Hey, um, I’m sorry that my brother… attacked you,” he said, rubbing the back of his head.

To his surprise, Twilight giggled once again.

“There’s no need to apologize. I knew that some of you might be frightened of us ponies at first. I’m sure that teleporting right next to him didn’t help matters any.”

Relief swept through Jerry. “So, you’re not mad about it?”

“Nope,” Twilight replied. “In fact, if he would have let me near him I would have apologized for scaring him like I did right away.”

“Well… in any case, welcome to earth. I hope you come in peace.”

“I do. I’ve been sent here to speak with your leader so that there may be talks between our peoples.”

The smile on Twilight’s face became just a tad bashful.

“I… well, I also came to see if some stallion would be nice enough to boop me,” she said, looking down at the ground and kicking at the sidewalk with a hoof.

“You want a man—er, a stallion to boop you?” Jerry asked.

“Yes, I’d like that very much.”

Jerry’s brow furrowed. Privately, he couldn’t help but wonder why this unicorn, alien, whatever she was, would come all of the way here just to get booped. Couldn’t she just have someone boop her back on her own planet?

Still though, he saw an opportunity that he couldn’t pass up.

“Hey, if you want I’d be more than happy to, um, boop you if you want,” he offered.

Twilight’s head snapped up to look at him, her eyes wide. “Really?! You’d boop me?”

Jerry took a step back at the outburst. “Well, I mean, if it’ll help foster our peoples’ relationship…”

With a happy hum, Twilight immediately closed her eyes and offered him her snout.

Frowning, Jerry looked down at her for a few moments, suddenly feeling unsure. He looked over at his brother, who was watching the scene intently, before looking back at the unicorn. Swallowing the lump in his throat, he lifted a hand, extended a finger, and booped the little pony right in the middle of her muzzle.

Twilight’s eyes snapped open. Gasping, she looked at the finger touching her nose before her gaze snapped up to his face. In an instant, a look of joy unlike any that Jerry had ever seen broke out across her face.

“Thank you, Jerry! I promise that I’ll be the best wife I can!”

The world—for Jerry at least—seemed to freeze. Birds that were flying crawled to a stop. A leaf that floated in the breeze hung in the air.

“W-What?” Jerry asked, but it was already too late.

Filled to the brim with joy, the tip of Twilight Sparkle’s horn suddenly sparked to life. Before Jerry could ask what she was doing, he found himself floating in the air by some unknown force.

“H-Hey! What’s the big deal?!” he cried, his legs kicking at the air. “Put me down!”

“Oh, I can’t wait to show you to my mom and dad! They’re going to be so happy that I finally found somepony!” Twilight said, turning around and making her way down the street with him floating behind her. “We’re going to have to tell our friends and family! I have my grandmother’s horn ring but I don’t know if that’s going to fit you.”

“Put me down!”

“But that shouldn’t be a problem. There’s plenty of ponies in Canterlot that can adjust the ring. And while we’re getting that done we can go and visit a few wedding planners! That way we’ll be able to meet both of…”

Thrashing with all of his might, Jerry looked over at his brother. “Tom! Help me!”

Tom watched his big brother being carried off by the little purple pony with the same expression as a general that had sent a man on a suicide mission.

“I told you not to go over there,” he said, taking a sip from his mug as he sat there on the rocking chair. “Now look at ya: getting married to some horse alien.”


Tom jumped, his head snapping over to see a pink pony with the curliest hair that he had ever seen standing next to him.

“Sweet Jiminy Cricket, there’s more of them,” he said with a frown.

The pink pony took a step toward him, her blue eyes dancing with excitement. “It’s nice to meet you, mister! My name’s Pinkie Pie!”

Tom looked her up and down, suspicion etched on his face. “Liar. You might look pink but no part of you looks like its made out of pie.”

The pony’s nose scrunched up. “Aw, don’t be so grumpy mister.”

“I can’t help it. I was born this way.”

Giggling, the pony took another step toward him, nosing his shoulder. “You know what would make you stop being such a grump, mister? Booping the cutest, pinkest party pony that ever was!”

Tom’s eyes narrowed down to slits. “No. I just saw what happened to my brother, and I’m too young to get hitched”

Reaching into her mane, the pink pony pulled out a tray of fudge. How she had been able to store such a thing in her mane—without getting any hair in it no less—was a mystery.

“If you boop me I’ll give you all of this yummy fudge,” she offered, waving the tray under his nose. “It’s chocolate and caramel. I made it just this morning.”

Tom looked down at the fudge, then at the pony smiling at him, then at his still flailing, protesting brother. With an emotionless expression, he took a sip from his mug and grabbed a cube of fudge.

“Well, I tried, but the aliens’ might was too great,” he said, popping the cube into his mouth. “All shall fall. Chaos will reign.”

“Can we have parties with the chaos?” the pink pony asked, offering her muzzle.

“Yes,” Tom replied, booping said muzzle. “Yes we can.”

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