“I’m glad my best two buds could make it today, I know you’re wondering why I brought you here.” A smirk crept across the hedgehog’s face as he began to flick on lights in the abandoned factory. Then he stopped to place some papers on a dusty work table where his friends were seated.

“What’s the situation Sonic? Eggman finally show his face again?” The dreadlocked echidna waved his fist as he spoke, something about their local didn’t sit right with him.

“Worse.” Sonic pulled a rusted switch and a machine attached to a large cylinder began to glow and buzz. “I’ve spent the last few weeks since Egghead and that Purple blob went missing searching for this device. Hedgehogs and Gentlemen let me introduce you to the Cross Tosser.”

“What now?” Knuckles seemed lost.

“That’s the device Eggman used to send us to different dimensions! I can’t believe it still exists.” The orange kitsune filled in.

“And you remember why it exists?”

“Mostly for crossovers and Eggman said something about being inspired by uncreative fan-fiction writers, whatever that means.” The fox rubbed his whiskers eyeing up the device. “So Sonic what do you want to do with it?”

“It’s come to my attention that there is a serious lack of quality chicks in our friend group, heck maybe on this whole planet.” Knuckles cringed as Sonic said that. “We’re going to use it to pick up girls from another world. And I’ve already got the perfect place to start.” He activated a monitor.

“The Land of Equestria…” Tails read aloud. “How’d you find about this place?”

“Internet. Apparently, some of our fans think it’s a cool place to chill, and they sent me a list of six eligible bachelorettes who are possibly as awesome as we are.”

“Look Sonic as much as I enjoy adventuring with you, I haven’t got the time hopping across worlds to get girls. I’ve got an emerald to guard.” Knuckles replied grouchily.

“And isn’t it lonely guarding that thing, you need a date just as much as I do.” Sonic pointed a gloved finger at his pal. “And really when was the last time anyone tried to steal that thing?”

“Whatever, Tails what’s you’re take on this?”

Tails looked at them his eyes wide, remembering a string of failed and traumatizing relationships. Failed as in ‘She was actually a robot’ to ‘Sonic rack jacked me then she turned evil’ and traumatizing as in ‘had to shoot her with a giant space gun’. “Never again.” he closed his eyes trying not to think about it.

“All right, before you guys say no just look at the girls.” He shoved a pile of papers towards them. “And I can guarantee that none of them are androids, descendants of ancient alien races, jewel thieves, obsessive stalkers, or even human princesses.”

“She’s pretty…” Tails stared at a picture of an anthropomorphic equine with a yellow coat, a lustrous pink mane, almost angelic feathered wings, and a round and perky chest. The page read ‘Fluttershy’.

“Wait a second Sonic, all these girls… Their horses. How’s that going to work out?”

“This kind of stuff happens all the time to us, don’t think too deep into it, Knucklehead.” Sonic chuckled. “And anyway their not horses their ponies, earth ponies, pegasus ponies, and unicorns.”

Knuckles was comparing a white unicorn to a blond southern belle. “This looks kind of like fan art, are you sure it’s an accurate representation of their… physique?”

“I’ve been told Applejack is just as strong as she looks.”

“Good… I’ll take her then. This unicorn, I have a strange feeling she’ll expect me to be her Mr. Mole.”

“I’m glad we’re all in agreement then. Knuckles, I’m going to need you to find us two more Chaos Emeralds; Tails you might want to inspect the machine to make sure it is really in working order. I need to make some calls, I gave you guys first pick but it would be cruel to leave the other girls without dates.” Not even realizing just how wrong his plan actually was.

One Phone Call Later…

“What kind of fool do you take me for Sonic?!” Shadow had arrived at Sonic’s ‘Lets get a Date from another Dimension HQ’ fifteen minuets ago and he had already pulled a handgun seemingly from nowhere on Sonic. He was currently pointing at his ‘friend’s’ head shouting at him, “I am the Ultimate Life-form, I deserve the Ultimate Girlfriend!”

“And what does it take to make a Girlfriend Ultimate or not?” Sonic was unfazed by the sudden outburst.

“I want the coolest one. Rainbow.”

“I already called her.” Sonic smirked.

“Fine then I want the strongest one.”

“Knuckles called AJ already.”

“Then I want the sexiest one. Or whoever the fan favorite is.” Shadow never backs down.

“Rarity?” Sonic rubs his chin at that idea. “Perfect you can have her.”

“Excellent…” Shadow finally lowers his weapon, but Tails walks up grabs it out his hand. “Hea!”

“Shadow this isn’t even a real gun.” Tails points it at Sonic and pulls the trigger hard. A stream of water spray’s against the blue hedgehog’s head. “A squirt gun?”

The hog’ of darkness (and general coolness) sighed. “Sega won’t let me have live weapons anymore.” He grabbed the water pistol back and punched the fox in the shoulder. “It belonged to Maria… I still remember how she used to have massive water battles with the security guards on the ARK, and when we filled it with holy water and went Vampire hunting.”

“What?” How an anemic prepubescent girl with an incurable degenerative disease managed to have water gun fights with government trained special agents let alone hunt vampires confused everyone except Shadow. He was still reminiscing.

Suddenly a shiny platinum coated Hedgehog appeared and broke the silence. “Hi guys I’m not late am I?” This was Silver the Hedgehog and he had traveled a long way through time to join his friends from the past on their somewhat silly quest. “I got your letter. Smart Idea telling the post office to hold it for all that time. Where did you come up with that.”

“Actually Silver you just gave me that idea.” Sonic yanked the letter from his psychic friend and ran off to the post office.

“Did I just cause a paradox…?” The ESPer hog’ looked around the HQ nervously. “So who is this girl you want me to ask out?”

Tails handed Silver a picture of a petite lavender unicorn in a purple sweater. She had a highlighted mane and B cup chest. “Her name is Twilight Sparkle, she’s kind of got that sexy librarian look going on. She‘s a lot like your friend Blaze the Cat, They both do magic, their both purple, and they both have the ability to turn into an ‘on fire‘ version of themselves. Kind of cool right?”

“She’s perfect… But I’m kind of worried. Are you sure we should be doing things this way. I mean I wouldn’t be happy is someone who I never met was trying to decide who I should date. I feel that there might be some kind similar problem that we deal with… What was it called… Shipping maybe?”

“Silver, this is nothing like that. They don’t have to say yes after all.”

“But If they don’t I’ve got an ace up my sleeve.” Sonic said under his breath; he overheard the conversation as he returned from the post office. “Not that I wear sleeves…”

The next day the five friends piled into the transport tube. One more was with them: Big the Cat, a large possibly obese purple feline who carried a frog on his shoulder and a fishing rod on his back. The Six bachelorette ponies had one member that Sonic and his friends couldn’t find a date for: Pinkimenia Diane Pie aka Pinkie. She was far to silly for anyone they thought to ask, and they asked everyone from the killer robot Omega to their former co-star Chris Thorndike. Big had agreed to come under the obligation that he keep Pinkie Pie distracted from the others, in return he would finally be able to fish for the legendary Sea Ponies he heard so much about at a convention many years ago.

With a flash of light and a dramatic whirling sound the ‘Sonic Pick-up Chicks Squad’ vanished from their HQ. They fell through a seeming random set of stock footage spirals and screen transitions before they landed on solid earth (or at least solid Equestrian soil).

The ever vigilant Shadow was first to his feet. He examined his surroundings and noticed something very odd. This place didn’t contain any sexy anthropomorphic equines, but a rainbow of little ponies of various shapes. None of those shapes walked on their hind legs, none of those shapes seemed like the pictures he had been bribed with to come here, and most importantly none of those shapes included breasts.

“Sonic you imbecile, I will end your pitiful existence!”

To Be Continued…