Something feathery tickled Twilight’s nose, which caused her to sneeze. The sneeze was explosive, a whole chain of explosions happening all at once, which was really quite awful for Princess Twilight Sparkle, She of the Exploding Head. Her skull space exploded, over and over, it felt like a thousand morbidly obese earth pony stomp dancers were practicing a new routine inside her skull. Twilight’s face exploded, but also imploded, and she sucked in a mouthful of hair and feathers. As all of this was happening, her consciousness exploded, and she gained self awareness, becoming aware of herself and her intense desire to not exist.

The hair and feathers were an interesting flavour of blue, though Twilight could not comprehend how she knew this. Stabbing pains lanced through her skull and she couldn’t tell if her eyes were going to pop out or be sucked in, perhaps going down her throat. Her mouth had a flavour that could only be described as what Twilight imagined the basement walls of an ancient outhouse must taste like.

About eight inches or so away from her muzzle, a pair of eyelids fluttered open on a blue face, revealing a rosy looking eye. Twilight contemplated screaming, but her head hurt far too much. She felt moist, sticky, slick in all of the wrong places, and the air smelled just like it did the time she walked in on her mom and dad having a very enthusiastic go at one another.

“Rainbow Dash,” Twilight croaked, “did we…” She found herself unable to finish the question, as bile rose up in her throat.

“No.” Rainbow grinned and her one open eye glittered with glee. The other eye was pressed down into the pillow.

It was then that Twilight muttered the immortal words: “What happened last night? I don’t remember anything.”

Giggling, Rainbow Dash almost caused Twilight to have a seizure from the sound. “You came into my room last night. It was late. You crawled into bed with me, you cried a bit, and then you commanded me to make you my mare. You said it was your orders as a princess. I told you no. You got upset. You cried a whole lot more and I held you. When I tried going to sleep, you mashed your meat curtains and started shouting somepony’s name over and over.”

“Oh no,” Twilight moaned. “Who?”

“I can’t tell you. That was a private moment with your drunken self.”

“You can’t tell me?”

“Nope. I follow some very specific rules.” After a moment, Rainbow added, “I’m not telling anypony else, either. And no, it wasn’t my name.”

“And you didn’t do anything with me even though I threw myself at you?” Twilight’s disbelief felt a lot like queasiness and her doubt tasted like stomach bile.

“Twilight, I saw some stuff when I was abroad with Tarnish and Daring Do. It made me clean up my act. Look, it’s no secret, I’ll sleep with almost anypony, but I have some rules. Like Rarity, I have rules, the Rules of Rainbow Dash. Rule number one, there is nothing sexier than consent.”

“Oh.” Confused, Twilight closed her eyes and focused on shallow, steady breathing.

“Last night, you could not give consent. You were compromised. That’s a turn off.”

“I see.” Twilight, who was certain that she was on the verge of death, decided to test her friendship with Rainbow Dash, to determine its limits. “And what about right now, if I was to ask you, would you?”

“No, because of the H.A.L.T. rule.”

Perplexed, Twilight cracked open one eye to look at Rainbow Dash. “What?”

“The H.A.L.T. rule.” Rainbow Dash took a deep breath, reached out her foreleg, and booped Twilight on the nose. “Hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. Never fronk a pony that is too hungry, too angry, too lonely, or too tired. Hungry can be replaced with hungover. All of these conditions can compromise our ability to give consent. This is how I keep my conscience clean.”

“Ponies have sex when they are angry?” Twilight squeezed her eye shut as a lance of sunlight streamed in through the window, and she thought about all of the horrible things she wanted to do to Princess Celestia. Some of them were quite unpleasant, but most of them were pretty tame.

“Twilight, can you do me a favour?” Rainbow asked.

“What?”

“Stop talking. Stop breathing on me. Please, I’m begging you, let me help you shower. I can’t take another minute of this torture.”

Feeling very bad, and also very guilty, Twilight Sparkle nodded her head, which made her ear rub against the pillow. Reaching out, she took Rainbow’s fetlock into her own, and she gave it a squeeze. There was no friend more loyal than Rainbow Dash, and for this, Twilight was thankful.

It sure did feel good to be a princess. Applejack sprawled out in the opulent luxury that was the bed in the Princess Suite and thought about how she could get used to this. To her right, curled up against her side, was a warm, fuzzy lump. To her left was another warm, fuzzy lump. There were also warm, scaly lumps in the bed. This made the bed extra-opulent, as it was heated, and it felt oh so good on all of her sore, achy places.

It was nice having two foals in the bed, it was a luxury that often turned against her. When Hidden Rose and Ambrosia got into the bed, well, shucks. They always started punching or wrassling one another, and Applejack couldn’t quite recall how many times she had been woken up by one of her own piledriving the other right into her stomach. It was like one was trying to force the other back into the womb, and that gave Applejack powerful nightmares, yes indeedy.

And poor Big Mac? Right square in the apples.

Pebble and Sumac understood how to sleep in a bed, and Applejack attributed this to exceptional parenting, though she didn’t quite make the connection of how this also applied to her, but in the reverse. Feeling the first few rays of sunshine, Applejack, half-awake, waited for the rooster to crow, but none did.

“Oh good… you’re awake.”

Of course Pebble would be awake, Applejack thought to herself.

“I have a confession,” Pebble said, her voice muffled from beneath the blanket.

“How long you been awake?” Applejack blinked her eyes, yawned a powerful yawn, and wondered what might be for breakfast.

“Oh, a while now,” Pebble replied as she pulled the blanket away from her face. “I borrowed one of Rarity’s books—”

“Oh for the love of the alicorns, here we go.”

“—one of her trashy romance novels. It’s in my bag right now, and it sort of set me off. I got all hot and bothered by it, and it kinda contributed to what happened last night.”

Closing her eyes, Applejack tensed her whole body, focusing her earth pony strength, and it made her spine crackle, starting near her neck and working its way down to her dock. She shivered from the sensation, her teeth clicking together, and she felt a pressing need to visit an outhouse out back.

“What was it about?” Sumac asked, his voice sounding both hesitant and muffled.

“It was about the torrid love affair between a unicorn and an alpaca.” Pebble drew in a deep breath, then let it all out in a dreamy sigh. She took another deep breath so she could continue with what she had to say. “The unicorn, he was a tailor, and he specialised in exotic materials. His shop assistant was an alpaca, and she had perfect, beautiful wool—”

“Oh my gosh,” Applejack gasped.

“—and when the time was right, he would shave her, and it was perfect, beautiful, and romantic. He would caress and buzz every inch of her body with his clippers, which buzzed, and vibrated, and his clippers would linger along her every soft, supple, feminine curve, buzzing and tingling, and he would get her all worked up—”

“I ain’t surprised by Rarity’s reading habits, not at all.”

“And when she was shorn, and all worked up, he would ravish her and have his dirty way with her, fondling every inch of her shorn body, and revelling in the touch of her pink, perfect skin, now free to see the light.”

“Oh.” Sumac rolled over in the bed, turning his back to Applejack, and laying on his side. “Oh,” he breathed again, and there was a shudder in his voice.

“And in a reversal of the long held belief that alpacas and llamas spit, she swallowed—”

“That’s it!” Applejack cried. “Out of the bed! Pebble, you’re getting a cold shower and I think I am too!”

Breakfast was scrambled eggs, festooned with festive colours. Little bits of red, green, orange, and yellow bell peppers could be seen in the eggs, along with onions and sweet green chilis. There were black beans, also served with sweet green chilis, and soft, supple, fresh made corn tortillas. The breakfast table was crowded and many of his tablemates were wearing sunglasses, but Sumac only had eyes for Pebble.

Today was the Shatterstone competition, and ponies had come from all over Equestria to both watch and compete. This was, perhaps, the single most important cultural event for the earth ponies of Equestria, and this year, Appleloosa was the city to host it. It meant a lot of things to a lot of ponies, but mostly it meant that Appleloosa had grown enough to be considered a true city, and not just some little podunk frontier town.

“This wheat-meat chorizo is pretty good,” Pinkie Pie said, her face blocked by an enormous pair of sunglasses with bright blue frames. She was subdued and each of her movements was slow. “Oh, I wish it was quieter.”

“You and me both, Pinkie, you and me both.” Cheese Sandwich, wearing black shades, hunched over his food and took a few deep breaths. “There are accordions in my head…”

There were all kinds of colts in the world, and Sumac was a colt raised by three mares. Three attentive mares who had no problem vocalising exactly what the ideal stallion should be, and guiding Sumac down that path. This was especially true of Lemon Hearts, who encouraged warm, sincere sensitivity, and rebuked Big Mac for trying to teach Sumac how to be a little gruff.

All in all, Sumac had turned out well rounded, and if the situation demanded it, he could be a little gruff. But now was not the time for being gruff, no, Pebble needed his smooth talking support, because she was showing all of the symptoms of having a breakdown.

It was time to muster the troops.

“Are we all going to be at the Shatterstone competition today?” Sumac asked.

“No.” Twilight looked disheartened and a fair bit alarmed. “I have to be one of the judges at the anvil ringing contest.” Twilight’s whole body shuddered with enough force that it caused her teeth to click together, making a terrific clack. “What is it with earth ponies ringing anvils? They’re not bells.”

Leaning over, Applejack gave her friend an answer. “You wouldn’t understand, Twi.”

“Cheese Sandwich has to manage Appleloosa’s talent contest.” Pinkie Pie turned her head and glanced at the pony beside her. “But I’ll be there for ya, Pebble.”

“I wouldn’t mind listening to the anvil show, it’s gonna be great, I think, but I know where I belong—”

“Singing in the talent show, Applejack?” Rainbow Dash asked as green taco sauce oozed from the corner of her mouth.

“Why yes, Rainbow, you and I is gonna sing ourselves a duet together… Loyalty… and Honesty… living together in perfect… harmony—”

“Aaaaaah, I wanna die,” Twilight cried as she clutched her head with her hooves.

Fluttershy, sitting beside Rarity, wrapped her wing around her face, covering it, and leaned her head back against the wall behind her. She panted a bit, quick, rapid, heavy breaths, and Rarity clutched Fluttershy’s foreleg. The two mares moaned together, and it made Sumac have a funny feeling in the base of his guts.

“I know where I’ll be.” Rainbow Dash grinned as she glanced at Pebble. “Front row and center. I’ve been looking forwards to this. It’s always neat to see what happens and I’ve been watching Pebble do this for a long, long time.” Shifting in her chair, Rainbow’s expression turned serious. “Of course, I’m missing seeing the guy I like from Nine Inch Tails performing in the anvil ringing contest, but I know what’s important.”

Pebble, who lifted her head away from her plate, looked over at Rainbow Dash with glimmering eyes now slick with moisture. “Thank you, Rainbow. It means a lot to me. I’ve gotten used to seeing you out there.”

“Eh, don’t mention it,” Rainbow replied. She leaned forwards, wiped the green taco sauce from her muzzle with her foreleg, and sounding very serious for being the sort of pony that she was, she said this to Pebble: “Look, I understand competition. As a Wonderbolt, I understand what it means to have that one fan, that one that keeps you going. When you look down into the crowd, you can always count on seeing them, and it gives you that little extra oomph that you need to give your one hundred and eleven percent. You don’t do this as a hobby, Pebble… that much is obvious. This is what you do. I fly fast, and you do Shatterstone. It defines us and makes us who and what we are.”

“Rainbow, I…” Twilight Sparkle pulled off her sunglasses and began to daub at her eyes.

Ignoring Twilight, Rainbow remained focused on Pebble. “After we get done eating, I’ll give ya a rub down with some liniment and we’ll see if we can warm up those muscles of yours. I have a good feeling about this year, Pebble… I think this will be the year that all of that hard work might pay off a little.”

Looking shy and vulnerable, Pebble nodded. “Thank you, Rainbow Dash…”

Author's Notes:

The rules of Rainbow Dash...