I hated the thought of spending the night in the motel room. After being thoroughly embarrassed by my reaction to… to what Blackjack did to my wings, I boiled with ugly self-loathing that left me hiding out on the rooftop on one of Fold’s taller buildings. I steadied my breath from the flight up and curled up on the hard concrete roof. Why? Why in the hells did I even bother trying? All that ever happened when I tried to get close to other ponies was the constant reminder that relationships caused pain.

Embarrassment.

Fear.

Other ponies might want the attention of others, but… not me. It was like getting a spotlight shone upon each and every one of my innumerable inadequacies. It was a reminder of how, in every way, I was a damaged heartmender. Somepony who hid behind her dysfunction and fear and could never have any hope of a normal relationship. No wonder I was so attractive to Blackjack! I was exactly her kind of fucked up!

And yet regardless she and so many others care about you, Threnody. An irritatingly resilient little voice whispered gently in my head. Great. Now my own thoughts were being nice to me. What was with this crap?! I looked up at the golden sky, watching it begin to gently fade as the day burned down to its last embers. I tried to calm the storm that raged through me, but it refused to abate with the dying light.

Rage.

I was livid with Blackjack for what she did. Upset at myself for the mortifying way I reacted. Angry at the Mayor for‒

I cut that thought off like a glacier cleaving into the sea. No. I was not thinking about her! She wasn’t part of this! She was far away, and she couldn’t get me! Fearful tears ran down my cheeks as I took flight again. My wing burned as I clawed for altitude.

I had to get up high. High was safe. High up was safety, where nothing could get to me.

A stitch seared to life in my side as I made it up to the lowest hanging clouds. There, I collapsed in a wheezing winded heap upon their soft cottony surface. Once the burning in my lungs had died down enough for me to think, I realised with surprise just how high I was. I was never allowed to fly up this high, but… I needed to get away. The ground hurt to be on. Better to stay up here where nopony could reach me.

I sat ensconced in my tiny sanctuary as the sky bled into orange, then red, then eventually faded into a cool blueish black as the stars came out. Rolling onto my back, I looked up and marvelled at Luna’s masterpiece.

It was cold, being up in the clouds. But it was a comforting chill that came as the night breeze lightly blew my cottony perch above the sleepy town of Fold. Up here I could feel my worries drain away and soak into the cloud I rested on. It'd probably find me and rain on me later, but right now, I felt... tranquil.

I reached up toward a constellation I recognized, and curled my hoof around it in an attempt to cradle the brightest star. I didn’t want to go back down. I was a pegasus. We were supposed to be creatures of the sky! High above all the problems of the world!

But that was no way to live. The Enclave had tried that, and when it didn’t work out for them, they tried to destroy the world below. They destroyed my home in the process. I was just a filly at the time. I didn’t know that the name of the event was “Operation Cauterize.” All I knew was that my mom grabbed me up in her magic, and ran with me on her back as a massive skyship rained green fire down upon Friendship City – the only place it’d ever really felt right to call home. Days later, we were in Junction City – then Junction Town – and… life got weird.

I shook my head. No. I wasn’t like them. I needed to be down on the ground. I was a groundborn pegasus. The fillies and colts in Junction City may have made fun of me for being a ‘dirt roller,’ but even though as it hurt, I liked the ground as much as the sky. And I wasn’t about to let foalish jibes get in the way of me enjoying both.

Groaning, I rolled off of my cloud and began a slow, spiralling glide down toward Fold. Being in the sky didn’t solve my problems. Looking at Luna’s night didn’t fix my hurts. But… it did give me space.

Sometimes space could be more healing than any heartmender’s words.

The next two days passed in a blur of intense tedium. Sandalwood and Slate wanted me to help out with the negotiations between the townsponies and the Followers, which meant long hours spent at excruciatingly boring meetings that none of us really wanted to have. Well, except for maybe Sandalwood and Blue Belle. The two unicorns were perfectly content to chitter away about how the Followers could best help Fold. Meanwhile Slate, Blackjack, Basalt Breaker, and I passed mouth-written notes to one another about how bored we all were. Solidarity was there, too, offering a word on Stable 9’s interests in the region. Even he seemed pretty well and done with the meetings after about the first thirty minutes.

All said, the time spent with Sandalwood and Slate after the meetings was nice. They had lots of questions about my adventures with Blackjack, even though I hadn’t been gone from the Hoof for more than a week or so. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I revelled the attention from the pair just a little bit. For once, it didn’t feel like I was on display for everypony to look at; it was just those two. I felt like I was the centre of the pair’s world for a little while. It was something that should have made me want to run and hide, but it felt… good?

Sandalwood and Blackjack agreed to keep an eye on my eating, much to my chagrin. I had to get accustomed to eating three meals a day, as well as a snack at Glitter Bomb’s oh-so-helpful recommendation. Frustratingly, Blackjack practically wonderglued herself to me for at least an hour after meals, so I couldn’t go get rid of it like normal. So I just had to deal with feeling like an overfilled waterskin.

Evening at the end of the second day again found me sitting on my cloud at sunset. I could tell coming up here was going to become a habit. Nopony could follow me, though the look Blackjack gave me when I explained my whereabouts was the most guilt-inducing mix of mild horror and sadness. I was fairly certain that this wasn’t the same cloud I’d rested on the first night, but it was soft all the same, if a bit cool, and gave me the space to unwind for the day.

Which of course was why Dealer decided to announce his presence with the shuffling of cards.

“I was enjoying myself up here,” I muttered as the shade filtered into view. “I haven’t lied, and it’s almost been a week.”

Dealer didn’t have enough flesh left on his face to smirk, but I could hear it in his voice. “No, you ain’t lied. Right element of honesty, you are,” he said, shuffling those damn cards. “But there’s still another day left.”

I glared at him, and pulled a bit of the cloud up, forming a pillow that I could rest my chin on.

“And?” I asked, waiting for him to launch into some long tirade about the failings of mortals.

He eyed me with an empty socket. “I’m reminding you that the future is always unwritten, Threnody. To think that you know how tomorrow will go is folly. Ponies always thought they were masters of time. Maybe they are. I was right tickled by that little time travel spell Starswirl cooked up. But what they learned was that playin’ with time and possibility is a fool’s game. Are you going to keep rollin’ those bones?” he asked.

I opened my mouth to answer, then closed it as I thought. Was this a trick?

“I don’t know,” I replied, frowning. “I’d like to think I won’t. But… I also know enough about pony psychology… and my own thought process to know that you’re probably right.” I poked at the cloud in front of me. “I mean… I expect that this cloud will hold me up. I expect that, because of my inner magic, I’m not about to fall to my death by sitting on it. But… that doesn’t mean that magic can’t fail. Maybe the sun won’t come up tomorrow for some reason. You’re right, the future is always changing. But what we can’t plan for, we adapt to. You don’t survive otherwise,” I said, tilting my head to the side. “Does that answer your question?”

Dealer was silent for a moment but for the constant shuffling of his cards. I found myself searching his face for something – anything really – that would give me a clue to his thoughts.

“What’s wrong, little heartmender? Can’t feel my mood?” he asked, a dusty chuckle breaking the tranquility of the night. “That bother you that you ain’t able to see straight through to the heart of me?”

“A little,” I admitted. “Even if I’m working with a pony stuffed with cybernetic enhancements, I can at least still read their face. With you...” I waved a hoof at his distinct lack of one. . “So yeah, I’m a bit unnerved. Besides all that, I’m talking to a spirit who very much isn’t just in my head. Like Blackjack said, grade A weird.”

“I’d bet even the one pony who could understand such beings don’t,” he said, looking out across the starlit sky. “But that ain’t for y’all to reckon with.” He managed the equivalent of a grim smile. “So don’t you worry none about it.”

Between his grin and his reassurance, my calm took a few shotgun blasts at close range. “Why are you saying these things to me, Dealer? What do you want from me?”

“Shouldn’t you’ve asked that before you took my bet?” he asked, holding up a card for me to see. ‘The Fool.’ Only this time, the happy go-lucky pegasus was me.

I let my ears droop. “Probably, but… You said the clock was ticking. You said I had–”

“Did I ever say what it was for? Did I actually threaten you or your friends?” he asked, leaning back and putting his forehooves behind his head. “Ain’t my style. I just knew you was one that I could wind up. I wanted to see what you did when feelin’ forced to make a decision.” He held another card above The Fool. The Ace of Swords. “You chose interestingly, I might add.”

“Her card felt hot.”

“Oh?” The shade leaned forward. “Hot?”

“Yeah. Hot. Like, when I held up my hoof to point at them, if my hoof was near Blackjack’s card, it felt warmer. What does that mean?”

“Everything. Nothing at all. What do you think it means?”

I frowned, pinning my ears back. Well, that was completely unhelpful. “I don’t know what it means, Dealer. I wouldn’t’ve asked you if I thought I knew!”

“Yet you’re trusting me that I’d give you a straight answer? Hell of a gamble there, little one.”

“No, I don’t trust you as far as I can throw you,” I muttered, drawing a chuckle out of Dealer. “But you know more than you let on, and I asked on the off chance you’d give me a hint.”

“For a race so in touch with magic, ponies always seem to want to know the ending before you get to it,” he muttered, shuffling his deck before holding the cards out in a fan in front of me. “Fine, take a pick. Three of them. That’s your hint.”

I skewed an ear to the side. “If I pick, how badly is this going to screw me over in the future?”

“I thought you just agreed that you can’t know what the future truly holds.”

“I did, but that doesn’t mean I can’t freak about all the possibilities of things that could go horribly wrong!”

The shade chuckled dryly, “I ain’t sure if it’s prudence that gives you that outlook, or if yer just sour.”

“Bit of both.”

“Well, then if I’m just giving you a little hint, why not pick a few cards?”

I sighed. Maybe he would leave me alone if I just picked a darned card. My hoof slid over the fanned out deck.

“That one,” I said, feeling that familiar warmth settling on the bottom of my hoof as I passed over the deck. Dealer laid it down in front of me.

The card depicted the ruins of a city on a mountain cliff. I’d never seen anything like that city before. I could make out a set of Raptors hovering near it, however, and the green disintegration cannon fire streaming from them into the ruins . A lone light shone from the highest edifice in the doomed city. I frowned down at it.

“The Tower?” I said, reading the name at the bottom.

“The Tower. Pick another.”

Again, my hoof passed over the fanned out deck. I nearly reached the end of it before finding another warm one. Dealer flipped it over. Fluttershy sat next to a stream at twilight, while a single star shone in the sky, giving the card its name: The Star. I looked up at Dealer, searching for an explanation.

“One more,” he said simply.

Sighing, I found the last card near the middle of the deck. It was a strangely uncomplicated card, with Princess Celestia’s cutie mark on it. The words on the bottom read ‘The Sun.’

“Okay, I played your game. Now what does it mean?”

“Always with the questions. Is the journey to get there not good enough for you?”

“Dealer…” I realised just who I was trying to argue with. “Okay, fine. Whatever, you gave me a set of cards. My hoof felt hot for all of them. I guess I will just take that hint and go.”

“It’s amusing to me that I show you the most basic form of divination that ponies once used to foresee the future, and I seem to have found the one filly that don’t know squat about it!”

“I’ve never read a book about it!” I squeaked. “And spirits and mysticism and other things have never been really my forte. I’m a heartmender. That’s what I know. Broken ponies and how to mend them.”

“And being a heartmender doesn’t involve some mysticism?” Dealer asked, leaning close enough to me that I could smell his sepulchral breath. “So funny that a pony is perfectly fine chalkin’ things up to magic, but when spirits get involved, that’s when things get ‘weird’ for you,” he said with another of his disturbing smiles.

I frowned. He did have a point there. “Okay, fine. I guess you’ve got me.”

“That’s all I wanted to hear,” he said as he tipped his cowpony hat to me, before evanescing with the cool night breeze.

Sandalwood pulled me aside the next morning.

“Threnody, I would like to have Caledonia look you over,” she said, lowering her voice to just above the lower limit of my hearing range. “You know I’m worried about your eating, but I want to make sure that nothing else is going on with you.”

I frowned. “She’s not going to poke and prod me like Triage did, right?” I asked, not looking forward to the idea of another doctor’s visit.
Sandalwood shook her head. “No. I was planning on just fitting you with your pipbuck, and having her take readings off of it. No poking. No prodding. Just reading what the biomonitor says.”

I gave her a dubious look. “And nothing else?” I asked, narrowing my eyes.

Sandalwood sighed.

“There’s an outside chance you’ll need some immunizations. Would a lollipop be a sufficient bribe for you?” she teased, giving me a serious look as her emotions bubbled brightly under her taciturn exterior.

I rolled my eyes. “No, but throw in a Cherry Sparkle~Cola and I’ll definitely consider it.”

Maybe it was because she wanted to see me put on weight. Maybe it was the pouty expression I gave her when she said ‘I’ll think about it’ the first time, but I got my soda.

Callie and Dry Clean Only had done a wonderful job converting the old herb shop into a clinic. Where there had once been old displays and dusty furniture now sat a couple of examination beds and privacy dividers that the alicorns had found Celestia only knows where. One of the dividers was decorated with old, tattered sheets with rocket ship and star motifs. A rather well-loved looking teddy bear with a bandaid on its forehead sat in a chair within the small space. The sight brought a smile to my face as I realised that it was probably Glitter Bomb’s suggestion. She wanted Callie to set up a space for foals at the clinic.

Dry Clean Only greeted us as we entered. “Good morning, you two. Threnody, if you’ll take a seat on any of the benches, we’ll get this over with quickly and painlessly.”

“I like the last part the most, Dry,” I said, trotting over to take a seat on the table in the ‘foals’ space. It wasn’t much, but somehow it made me feel a little more at ease with the idea of having some sort of weird scan done through my pipbuck.

Sandalwood trotted over, the device trailing behind in her cool brown magic.

“Leg please, dear,” she said.

I took a sip from the soda bottle I held in my left wing and held out my right foreleg. Confusion rippled over Sandalwood’s features before she shook herself and closed the clasp around my right leg.

“What?” I asked around the straw.

“Oh, it’s nothing, Threnody. I just thought it odd that you wanted your pipbuck on your dominant hoof,” she replied.

“But that’s not my dominant hoof,” I snorted, waggling my left hoof. “I’m left hooved. If I had it on my left hoof that’d feel weird.”

Sandalwood pursed her lips. “I didn’t mean to presume, Threnody. It’s just unusual to see ponies that are left hooved is all.”

“You aren’t going to say I’m the daughter of Nightmare Moon because of it, are you?”

Sandalwood laughed brightly. It was one of her genuine laughs, which she’d shown more since our talk a few nights ago. “No. I was just pointing it out because it confused me for a moment. Nothing more, nothing less.”

I looked down at her pipbuck on her left foreleg. “I mean, it’s just as weird for me to see it on you. It looks like it’s on the wrong side!”

Sandalwood rubbed her left foreleg just below the pipbuck. “I… guess I can see why you might have gotten a little upset about that, Threnody. Honestly, dear, I didn’t mean anything.”

“I know,” I said with a smirk. “I just wanted to tease you a little.”

Callie’s big green head poked around the corner. The alicorn held up a small chalk board that read ‘all ready?’

I nodded. “As I’ll ever be, Miss Callie. Come on in!”

Callie smiled and set the chalkboard down on the chair where the teddy bear sat. With her magic, she levitated a cord out from her pipbuck and connected it to mine. I noticed that her pipbuck version had a larger screen on it.

“Is that a different model?” I asked, looking between my right leg and her left.

Callie nodded, then turned to Sandalwood who translated.

“Callie says that she has a Delta-M model. It was one of the pipbucks that the Followers found in the ruins of the Fluttershy Medical Centre’s basement. It’s got a bigger screen, and has a lot more information that it can show about a patient’s health if it’s connected to another pipbuck,” she explained.

“Oh, well, um, carry on.”

Callie clicked slightly as she tapped the buttons on her pipbuck. I watched the screen’s light flicker in her eyes before she froze, then clicked to Sandalwood.

“Wait what?” Sandalwood asked. She leaned over to look at Callie’s pipbuck, raising her eyebrows. “Oh. Oh dear. No wonder she doesn’t feel well a large amount of the time!”

“What? What is it?” I asked.

“What have you been doing out in the wasteland, Threnody?” Sandalwood asked, looking me up and down in a manner that made me distinctly uncomfortable.

“Uh, wandering?” I replied, not sure what she was looking for.

Sandalwood gave me a disapproving look before turning back to the screen. “Well, we’ll have to get that taken care of right away! Although, are you sure those readings are correct, Callie?”

Callie clicked her tongue before poking at the buttons on the pipbuck.

“Threnody, would you be a dear and take a sip of your soda for us?” Sandalwood asked sweetly.

I frowned at her, but did as I was told. The alarmed expression on the adult ponies didn’t do well to calm my slowly rising levels of anxiety.

“Well that’s not good!” Sandalwood mused.

Oh goddesses I was dying, wasn’t I!? I braced myself and moved to take a sip from the straw I had in the bottle of the cherry Sparkle~Cola, only to find it was hanging in Sandalwood’s magic. “Hey! What gives?!”

“Sparkle~Cola is mildly radioactive. You’re poisoning yourself, and you don’t even know it!” she chided, placing a bag of rad-away in the wing that formerly held my soda. “Drink this, and then we’ll talk about your soda drinking!”

“But it tastes like rotten oranges mixed with the worst parts of medicine and cancer!” I whined.

“It prevents you from getting cancer,” Sandalwood shot back. “No arguments, and no soda until it’s all gone!” She shook her head. “Leave it to Blackjack to forget that us mortal ponies are not immune to radiation poisoning! While I know that cola helps you keep your calorie count up, Threnody, I worry that she’d let you drink it all day every day until you were throwing up blood!”

I sighed and started sipping on the gross tasting rad-away as Callie continued to check me over. She clicked her tongue a few times, then tugged slightly on my left hoof, giving me a quizzical look. I started as she touched me, and glared at Sandalwood. This was supposed to be prodding free!

Does it hurt anymore? A surprisingly soft voice whispered in my mind, breaking me out of my irritation with Sandalwood for a moment. There is still a rather large fracture in the lamina. Callie asked me telepathically.

“It doesn’t hurt as badly anymore. Not since Blackjack healed it,” I replied, trying to not gag as the taste of rotten oranges slid down my throat. Sweet Luna, that was foul!

I’m sorry that Rad-Away tastes so bad. Callie’s voice whispered. And I apologise for not talking to you directly earlier. It’s… much easier for me to talk to alicorns and unicorns. It doesn’t give me a headache if I talk too much to them.

“Oh, I…” I frowned. “No, don’t put yourself out, Callie. Sandalwood seems to be okay with translating for you.”

The mute alicorn smiled gratefully at me, and continued to tap at the buttons on her pipbuck before frowning again. She looked to Sandalwood and clicked her tongue a few times. Sandalwood nodded, and again the pair exchanged significant glances. It made me wish that I could tune into the telepathy that Callie used to communicate with alicorns and unicorns. Sandalwood’s horn glowed a few times, which I assumed signalled her responding.

“Can you two not talk about me in magic-ese while I’m in the same room?” I asked, having finished the rad-away.

When Sandalwood met my eyes, I could tell something was wrong. I’d never felt her emotional shields come up so fast and strong before. I pushed lightly against them, not liking the feeling of being kept out, but she shook her head. Her horn glowed a few more times as Callie’s hoof gesticulated toward me.

“Okay, seriously, that’s not funny, you two,” I said as the pair continued their psychic conversation. Sandalwood’s emotions blanked, but Callie… Callie was a maelstrom of concern, worry, and a few other feelings that flew about too quickly for me to name.

Sandalwood nodded sagely to the mare, never breaking out of the mask that us heartmenders tend to wear when something very bad had happened, and we were trying not to react to it.

“Sandalwood… you’re like, seriously disturbing my calm,” I said, my voice cracking to a squeak. Why weren’t they saying anything?

Callie tilted her pipbuck so Sandalwood could see it, then gestured toward me again. Sandalwood’s emotional shields flickered, and worry bled through the cracks.

A million different things went through my head. I had cancer. I was dying. Clearly, I was dying. That was the only reason they would be so upset. Why wouldn’t they just tell me and get it over with!?

I slammed my hoof down on the table. “Dammit, Sandalwood. Fucking talk to me!” I shrieked, realising after the fact that it probably sounded a bit more petulant than I intended. But the silence, the gesturing, and the secrets were getting to me.

“Threnody…” She trailed off and looked at Callie. The big green mare’s sadness pooled around her hooves.

“What?!” I shouted, stress and frustration billowing out of me.

Sandalwood looked helplessly between Callie and I, and every time our eyes met, her shields couldn’t hide the pain.

“This is… incredibly awkward for me to ask…” she started, her accent starting to slip back into that clipped upper Manehattan dialect that that I would have normally found endearing, but right now was the last thing I wanted to hear.

“Spit it out then!” I snapped. I wasn’t in the mood for her slipping into her Tenpony Tower self. “What is it?”

Sandalwood opened her mouth then closed it. Swallowing, she took a step forward, and placed her right hoof gently over my left hoof. “Callie found some things with the scan. Threnody, I have a few questions for you, ones I completely understand if you don’t want to answer right away, but…”

I pulled my hoof back from her and scooted back from the edge of the exam bed. “Sandalwood… what… what are you…?” I stammered.

The strawberry roan mare looked down at her hooves, refusing to meet my eyes. “Threnody, we need to give you a more extensive exam than I’d originally thought.”

“Like hell you do!” I screamed, flaring my wings out behind me. “I agreed to this because you said you wouldn’t have to touch me, Sandalwood! Not that I don’t trust Callie, but I powerfully hate being touched!”

“Threnody, this is a completely normal med–”

“I don’t give a fuck if it’s normal!” I shouted at her. “Where does she want to touch me? Where does she want to check me over? I don’t want to be some freak show or piece of meat to be cut open and examined again and again and again!”

Sandalwood and Callie both recoiled slightly from my outburst, but I wasn’t backing down. I said no touching. I didn’t want to be touched. I had a feeling that I knew where Callie wanted to examine, and I wasn’t going to let her anywhere near there!

“Threnody, she wants to look at your side,” Sandalwood said softly.

My side? Why did she want to look at my side? Sure, my right side still hurt a lot, but that was normal! It had only been a few weeks since the radscorpion stung me!

“My side is fine!”

“Threnody, stop being such a child!” Sandalwood snapped.

I froze as I stared at her. There it was. That’s what I had been waiting for. I knew that another hoof was going to drop.

Sandalwood took a step back. “Threnody… I… I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.”

“I’m pretty sure you did,” I shot back cooly, before sitting up. “Fine, where did Callie want to look? Tell me and I’ll let you know if it’s okay.”

Sandalwood pursed her lips, then looked at Callie. “She wants to see your side. Just your side,” she said gently.

I glared at her, but then lifted my right foreleg to make it easier to move my duster out of the way.

Sandalwood’s cool brown magic tugged up the corner of my duster, and she let out a low hiss through her lips. A large black spot sat in front of the point of my hip. Something I’d been desperately ignoring since I’d noticed it the night I took a bath with Puddle.

“Threnody, that’s… not a good thing to ignore,” she chided. “That has to be painful, and it really should be more closely examined to make sure there isn’t more–”

“More what? Damage? Who cares?!” I said sharply. “Yeah, it hurts. But do you know what? Most everything about me hurts in some way or another! I’ve been in pain since I was little. That’s just a normal part of my life!”

Sandalood took in a sharp breath. “Since you were little?” she asked, visibly wilting in front of me as Callie dipped her head low. “Threnody, you have extensive vaginal and cervical scarring. Have you been pregnant before?” she asked as her body tightened like hoarfrost.

I barked out a harsh laugh. “No! That’s silly, Sandalwood! I’ve never… I’ve never had a heat or a period. Why would you think that I would... I’d be pregnant?”

“Because I don’t like the other possibilities of things that would cause that kind of scarring,” she replied with agonised tenderness. “Threnody, if you’ve… If…”

Dammit. Why were my eyes suddenly so wet? “Can we not talk about this?” I asked, curling my tail around my hooves as I pulled my wings tight around myself.

“Threnody, sweetheart–”

“Don’t call me that! Don’t do that to me, Sandalwood! If I’m not supposed to treat you like a heartmender, then I don’t want you treating me the same way! Don’t think I can’t feel that wall you put up!”

Callie clicked her tongue awkwardly, before quickly ducking out of the small divided room. The alicorn’s magic opened the door as she slipped out, but her emotions were all sadness roiling with regret.

Sandalwood finally met my eyes as the door to the clinic clicked closed, leaving the two of us damningly alone. My abused ears throbbed at the sudden silence in the shop as Sandalwood stepped forward. She levitated the teddy bear out of the way, and sat down in the chair next to me, which brought her to eye level with me.

“Threnody, with that kind of scarring… combined with the damage to your ovary caused by the radscorpion attack…” she trailed off, biting her lip as tears welled at the corners of her eyes.

“What are you saying, Sandalwood?”

“Threnody, the odds of you ever having foals of your own is… extremely small. You have severe scarring to your cervix, which is why it’s probably a good thing that you’ve not yet started any sort of reproductive cycle. When they come, they will hurt. And that’s not the only thing.” Sandalwood took a small breath, which gave me just enough time to ask a question.

“When will they come?” I couldn’t help but ask. I already hurt a lot, I didn’t need more pain showing up on a monthly basis.

For a moment, Sandalwood relaxed, giving me a maternal smile. “We don’t know when that will happen, Threnody. But you’re fourteen. They should have started a while ago, but it could be tomorrow for all I know. Even Callie couldn’t tell you that, sweetheart,” she said.

“Oh,” I replied. “What else were you going to say before I interrupted you?” I asked, feeling the slightest bit foalish.

Sandalwood took in a breath that was clearly meant to centre herself. “Triage was wrong. Or rather I think she was optimistic when she gave you a prognosis at the medical centre. The radscorpion’s poison appears to have nearly… for lack of a better term, destroyed your right ovary and fallopian tube. That combined with the severe scarring makes it highly likely that you’re infertile. I need you to let Callie treat your injury so that… so that nothing worse happens, darling.”

I don’t know how long I stared at Sandalwood. It felt like hours, as her words wormed their way painfully through my consciousness. How much more did I have to lose? Seriously? I knew what caused that scarring. I could guess exactly which objects probably caused it. My breath came in slow, hitching breaths in and out.

“I’m sorry.”

Why?!

My everything felt numb. I couldn’t feel my hooves, or my nose, or my ears. I couldn’t name any particular emotion that I was feeling at the moment. Just… nothing.

“Threnody? Honey, I need to know what you’re feeling right now,” Sandalwood said gently. She would make a good mom with a voice like that.

I never would.

“I’m fine,” I lied.

Lying is surprisingly easy to fall back into.

Are you going to be okay? Yeah, sure. Ignore the fact that on the inside I feel hollow.

Do you want to talk about it? No, not really. It’s drowning me, but I don’t know what to do or what to say.

Is there anything we can do to support you? Really Sandalwood, I’m fine. Please hold me until I start crying and don’t let go until the tears stop!

I didn’t remember most of the day. I remember eating, because I felt ugly and bloated again. I can vaguely picture Callie looking over my side, and because I still have a scar from where she lanced the blackened flesh. I recognize that the images of watching the ichor slowly draining out of my flank weren’t just a dream. I might have gone to another stupid meeting, though that point of my memory was lost in a series of muddied conversations. I never picked up a pen to pass notes. I must have turned in early, because that’s when Blackjack came to check on me. I was lying on my left side, staring at the wall when I heard the door to our room creak open.

“I’m fine,” I said, trying to sound like I had some energy left in me. Any life at all really, though I could tell that the words rang as hollow as I felt.

“Right. Fine,” she said. When I didn’t reply, she added, “I’m fine too, thanks for asking. I’m fine. You’re fine. Everything’s fine.” She sat down next to my bed, back to the wall. “Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine...” I caught her glancing at me out of the corner my eye. “You’re okay too, of course. Okay and fine. Fine and okay. Okie. Dokie. Lokie.”

“Blackjack.” I raised my head to look at her. “Not. Funny.”
She adopted a hurt pout. “Not even a little bit funny?” She held up her hooves a millimeter apart. “Not even this much?”
“No,” I muttered. “Not even a little bit. You’re being a pest.”

“I excel at being a pest. I learned from Rampage,” she said as she looked up at the ceiling. Then she clapped her forehooves on her hind legs. “Okay. I’m ready. Make with the heartmendering. Ask me anything, doc. Soothe my troubled soul and ease my tormented heart.” She paused and screwed up her face a little. “Those sound like song lyrics.”

I let out a sigh. “Blackjack, like…” I trailed off. Part of me was saying ‘hey, she’s willing to talk, engage her!’ But the other half of me was still lying insensate on that table in the clinic. “Are you sure you don’t want to talk to another heartmender about this?” I asked. “I’m… I don’t know if I’m gonna be the most helpful right now.”

“You’re my heartmender, Thren. I will accept. No. Substitutes,” she stated firmly as she settled in with a smile. “Hit me with something. Anything. I can take it.” She glanced at me again, her red eyes... soft. Not probing into me like Sandalwood or Callie. She was giving me a chance to get out of myself by playing in her own issues.

“Blackjack, did you ever have kids?” I asked.

I honestly couldn’t remember from her notes. I hated that despite the two weeks worth of knowing each other, I'd not sought to know her more intimately. All I had to go with was that stupid assessment Cinnamon wrote.

I felt her take the hit. The question hurt, like a knife to the side, and yet she didn’t wince. Her eyes turned upwards again. “Kinda. I... P-21 got with me back when we were mixed up with the Society. Before the skies blew up.” She gave a half smile. “I was the only mare he could stand to be with. I mean, he slept with Glory that night too. But he was pretty drunk at the time,” she sighed wistfully, but there was a current of pain that coursed beneath that sigh.

“Also, really, really good. Like... not just the sex. Like... he was just... good. Like I’m trying to be right now.” She closed her eyes. “Found out I was pregnant when they were cutting off my face. Had a choice right then to keep them or not. I chose to keep them. Six months later, they were transferred to Grace via a surrogacy spell. So I guess, kinda? But I’m no mother.”

I rolled onto my stomach and looked down at her. “Wait. Princess… you mean that Bouillotte and Baccarat are your foals?” I asked, feeling like my eyes must be the size of saucers.

“Yup. Good kids. Good mom,” she said as she opened her eyes. The sour milk stink of regret rolled off her. “I’m Twilight Sparkle’s descendant. If the Twilight Society found out about them, I know they wouldn’t be safe. Besides, I pissed off a lot of ponies. There’d be plenty that would be happy to take revenge on Security through her kids.”

I felt my face twist slightly at the mention of ‘good kids.’ The last bit of humour left in me dried up as I realised the predicament she had. She didn't have many options but to stay away from the twins.

“I… was going to say that, having seen the little monsters, it kind of explained a lot,” I deadpanned. “But I guess that’s… it’s probably not been easy for you to know that they’re just a few miles away, but you can’t… really see them.”

“Yeah,” she said, closing her eyes. “Maybe when they’re older I might introduce myself. Or Grace might tell them. But not right now. Right now they’re being kids, being a family, growing up... doing all the things that most kids don’t get in the wasteland.”

“She’s a lot like you,” I said, pulling the Scootaloo plushie out of my saddlebags. “She didn’t even want to play with this cutie!”

“If she’s a lot like me, I guarantee you she did. She just didn’t want anyone to see her playing with it,” she said as she levitated my plushie and pulled it to her, giving it a hug. “I hope she’s not too much like me. I did some really messed up things. Fortunately, she has her brother. If there’s anything of his father in him, he’ll keep her true, I’ve no doubt.”

She gave it one more squeeze and then returned Scootaloo to me.

“He does. Though I do remember them getting scolded by the Princess a few times while I worked in Elysium. The phrase ‘proper ladies do not behave like that’ was a frequent remark made to her,” I said with a chuckle.

“Yeah. I don’t think the Sparkle family got any ‘lady’ genes,” she replied. “Mad scientists, security guards, roaming lunatics, sure.” She paused, and her expression turned horrified. “Oh, I wish I hadn’t thought that.”

“Twilight Sparkle wasn’t a mad scientist. She just wanted to help. And you’re not exactly a roving lunatic,” I countered. “I mean, you dress like a murder hobo, but that doesn’t make you one, Blackjack.”

“It was more the thought of Bouilotte following in my hoofprints. Suddenly I want her to become a dentist. A nice, safe dentist that doesn’t have to deal with raiders or megaspells or crazy AIs stealing their bodies.”

Well, she had me there. “I can see why you’d probably not want that for her. I…” I wouldn’t want that for my foals. If I could have any. I shook my head. “She’ll probably be a fairly spunky princess for the Society. Or she’ll abdicate, put her brother in charge, then boss him around like she knows what she’s doing.”

“Or Grace might have children of her own. She’s not too old for that,” Blackjack said with a shrug. “I’m not sure if she can though. That attack to her spine did a lot of damage. And I can’t have kids with this stupid blank body so–” she paused. “Threnody? Why do you have that look on your face? Like I’m stabbing you?”

I froze. Then I remembered that Blackjack’s vision was not based on movement. No matter how still I was, she was going to keep giving me that concerned look.

“I… thought you’d probably talked to Sandalwood already. That’s… why you came to bother me,” I admitted, curling up around Scootaloo.

“Contrary to popular belief, I’m not a heartmender. She doesn’t tell me about the nitty gritty of your life unless it’s pillow talk,” she said with a worried smile.

I curled up tighter around Scootaloo. I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to deal with it. But… I wanted someone to ask. And now Blackjack was asking and I wasn’t allowed to lie–

“SWEET MOTHER LUNA FUCK ME WITH THE MOON!” I shouted, realising that I had lost the bet earlier today with Dealer. Of course I’d lost the bet! It was just what I needed on top of everything else. I looked up at Blackjack, who was looking at me like I’d lost every single one of my few remaining marbles.

She had the wisest, most sage, most appropriate response to this outburst, and that was to stare at me blankly and go, “Uhhhh...huh?”

So I broke down. “I lied. I lied to Sandalwood today because I don’t know how the fuck I am supposed to feel about what she and Callie told me,” I pointed to the bandage on my right side. “That radscorpion that got me? Apparently I should have followed up about it. I ignored the fact that my side has been hurting really, really bad. Apparently now it’s completely screwed up my filly parts. Add on top of that what I went through in Junction City apparently scarred me inside. I probably won’t get pregnant. The chances are too slim. I don’t know how... to feel about any of this. I was scared to have foals before. But now that I know it’s next to impossible? It hurts... It hurts so little that I don’t even… I don’t… I can’t…” I trailed off as tears welled over and began running down my cheeks.

I wanted to just feel the pain. But the part of me that felt it the most was still lying on that exam table in Callie’s clinic.

A hoof gently stroked my mane.

“Damn... that sucks,” she said as she patted me gently. “I won’t say it’s okay, or fine. It’s not. It’s a door closing, and nobody likes those. But it’s also not the end of you having a family. You don’t have to give birth to raise children. You can be a mom to someone that’s not your child. That’s what Lacunae did for me. She was my mom when I needed one, even if she wasn’t perfect.”

“I… feel like I’m drowning, Blackjack. I know that it doesn't mean that I'll never have a family. I know that intellectually, but… yeah. The… the door-closing feeling. I just… I don’t know how I’m supposed to live with that. I know you don’t know either, but… right now it just… it really hurts.” I uncurled myself from around Scootaloo, grabbed Blackjack’s hoof, and curled up around that. I needed something to tether me to the real world. Even if the contact hurt. “It hurts a lot. And I feel like it’s my fault.”

“You breathe in. Breathe out. Eat. Drink. Sleep. Shit. That’s how you live. Coping with it is the real trick. I’m still trying to figure that one out,” she said as she pulled me into an embrace. I suppressed a hiccuping sob as I realised that she would have been a good mom for Bouillotte and Baccarat, no matter what she said. “And it’s not your fault. It’s mine. I’m the one that dragged you on a quest when you should have been following up on that sting. I just assumed you’d walked it off, that it wasn’t a problem anymore.”

I shook my head as self-blame trickled into Blackjack’s being. “No. You couldn’t’ve known, Blackjack. And there’s a part of you that knows that. I should have said something. I should have let somepony actually look me over, cause I noticed that it wasn’t looking so hot a few days ago, but pain and I are old friends, so I just… accepted it as normal. Do you know what I mean?”

“Yeah, Thren. I know. I know,” she murmured, nuzzling my ears. “So if I say it’s not your fault, and you say it’s not my fault... Why don’t we split the difference and say it’s neither of ours? It just sucks, and I’m sorry you’re hurting right now, and I can’t make it go away.”

I swallowed, wiping my eyes with the back of a hoof.

“You have a lot of pains that don’t really go away either, Blackjack. I’m sorry. I’m pretty sure I’m kind of the weirdest heartmender you’ve ever had. I think you hear more about me than I hear about you.” I took a deep breath, then shook myself. “I think Sandalwood wants to send me home,” I added, trying to stamp down the pain and hurt that rolled about in my chest.

“Good for her. What do you want to do?” Blackjack asked me.

I thought on that for a long moment. I didn’t want to go back to Elysium. I didn’t want to go back to the Hoof. I definitely didn’t want to go back to Junction City. It wasn’t that I couldn’t just… disappear in those places. But my friends were here. I had unanswered questions lingering about my dad. I wanted to stop the Family from destroying what ponies down south were trying to create. I wanted to meet the thirteenth heartmender who lived in Stable 9. The Family, Stable 9… all of those things were due northwest of Fold, out past the irradiated forest we’d seen marked on that map in Three Rivers.

I looked up at Blackjack, green eyes meeting warm red. “North. I want to go north.”

She regarded me with a silence that wasn’t part of her usual impulsive nature. She seemed to dwell on my request a moment, then nodded.

“Cool,” she said, our muzzles mere inches apart. “North it is.”

Author's Notes:

For the 23 year old part of me still sitting in the internal medicine office on May 23rd, 2013 after learning that a life saving decision she made in December would prevent her from having children.

This marks the end of Act 1! I... honestly meant to be done by now and then the story kind of kept going and Threnody had more things and oh lord I'm so sorry.

Thank you so much to you all, my readers, and to Bronode and RoMS for their hard work as editors.