Author's Notes:

This is a non-canon fan chapter written by Darkest Dreams.
Huge thanks to them for doing this!

Meanwhile, in Canterlot, Twilight Sparkle sat down at her desk and started writing her own fanfic for the remake of a fanfic based on the fourth generation of a series she enjoyed. No. No I’m not. It's a letter to myself about the whole situation I'm in right now. Ah, sorry. I don't actually know for sure what you are doing as I'm just a reader stealing screen time. Can I please get on with writing this Cloud Report to myself and stop thinking random weird thoughts that are probably more meta than I am allowed to be? Oh. Yes, of course.

Dear Princess Celes-

“Oh fuck it!” Twilight screwed up the parchment she had in front of her and used her magic to incinerate it before it could offend her further. “Every Celestia damn time!”

Taking a deep breath to calm herself after muscle memory started the letter without her, Twilight levitated over a fresh sheet of parchment and attempted to begin her self-targeted letter over.

Dear Twilight,

This whole situation is fucked. Completely and utterly fucked.

Now that the expletives are out of the way (Living with Cloud for as long as I did means I've absorbed some of his vulgarity, don't judge me, me), I should explain myself. The last time I reported was about how I'd sent off Cloud’s blood to my mother as Cloud himself was sent off to Tartarus-knows-where. This time I start with how my mother finished her analysis of the sample and discovered that Celestia had administered a potent fear poison to Cloud.

On the subject of Cloud, it turns out his entire self is somehow infused with-

“Twilight? Twilight?!” Rainbow Dash crashed into the room.

“What? I'm kinda busy here.” Twilight sent a death glare towards the intruder. If looks could kill, Rainbow’s brains would currently be pooling gradually around her hooves. Twilight knew a spell capable of such a gruesome feat but as homicide was frowned upon in Equestria, she elected to just stare instead.

“Do you want a coffee? Rar-” Rainbow was cut off by some unknown force that stopped her tongue from being able to finish the embargoed name she had attempted to utter.

“No. I have plenty of water here thank you.” Twilight turned off her tongue tie spell and pushed Rainbow firmly out the door and just before slamming it gently in Rainbow’s face, she imparted some friendly advice to her close friend, “I am busy. Tell everypony I am not to be disturbed until further notice.”

Now. Where was I? Twilight scanned the letter to restart her train of thought. Ah yes. Here we go.

On the subject of Cloud, it turns out his entire self is somehow infused with some form of magic. From what data we have, it seems to be connected directly to his mind which explains how his circles are tied to his willpower and not his innate unicorn magic. It also explains his hormonal issues and mood swings. I will look forward to testing some new theories I am forming when he is brought back. Hopefully he won't mind too much because he isn't getting the choice.

Back to my mother: after discovering the poison within Cloud’s blood, she went on to reverse engineer it, this proved to save her life. As she finished the poison she was attacked from behind, but her quick thinking and ruthless approach to science and the lives of others allowed her to jab a syringe full of the concentrated poison into the assailant’s eye, causing him to go wild and run away. I'm glad she is-

A gentle knock on the door somehow managed to break Twilight’s concentration enough that she knew couldn't continue the letter without the curiosity of what was calling her attention eating away at her for the rest of her life. Oh fuck it. “You may enter,” she called out to the door.

“Oh. Um… ok.” Fluttershy’s timid voice barely carried through the thin, cheap, door that was near enough just a bit of stiff cardboard stuck in a hole in an equally well constructed wall. Only the best building materials for New Ponyville.

“Hey uh… Fluttershy? What's up?” Twilight finally looked up from her as yet unfinished letter to properly see her friend currently standing in the doorway. Something about Fluttershy caused all who saw her to conform to her every request, probably something to do with her natural charm and not the fact she could just stare it out of everypony anyway. Twilight decided to investigate the peculiar phenomenon at a later date.

“Are you busy? I can come back later.”

Very. Extremely busy. This report to myself won't write itself. “No, not at all.” Nailed it. Twilight added investigation of Fluttershy’s mind control to the definitely add to my schedule list list mental list. Yes, she has mental lists to add stuff to lists that let her know she needs to add stuff to other lists.

“Oh, good,” Fluttershy visibly relaxed. “I wouldn't want to interrupt. I'll try not to take too long.”

“Take as long as you need.” Ha! In your face Celestia. I know how to socialise.

Fluttershy took a seat in the only other chair in the room. “I’ve been feeling so worried and scared. A lot of animals are still down there in Ponyville and I can't help but want to go save them all.”

After three hours, six bottles of wine and a thousand comforting pats, Fluttershy finally got her many worries off her chest. Twilight was trying to keep her smile looking as sincere as sympathetic as possible and to stop her eye from twitching whenever the Pegasus looked her way. Either she was better at acting than she thought, or Fluttershy was worse at noticing social clues than she was.

“...And that's why Zephyr Breeze thinks Rainbow Dash is into him.” Fluttershy gave a sigh of relief after opening the cage filled with her worries and allowing them all to fly away free and fulfil their lifelong dream of leaving Twilight Sparkle with permanent mental anguish for all eternity. “Oh but please don't tell Rainbow Dash, she'll be ever so upset,” she then eeped as she realised she'd revealed a few too many secrets.

“Of course I won't, I can keep a secret,” Twilight promised. Helps that I cast a short term memory loss spell after the bear story. Won't remember anything else. Although I don't really want to remember that either. Definitely won't be looking at Fluttershy the same way ever again.

Fluttershy visibly relaxed knowing Twilight would keep her secrets. “You're a very good listener, thank you. It really helped me. I won't keep you anymore, I need to get back to the animals that did make it here and make sure they are ok.”

Twilight’s smile was suddenly a lot easier to make sincere. “I'm sure they miss you greatly. Say hello to them for me won't you!” She proceeded to gently shove Fluttershy quickly out the door.

“Um… ok.” Fluttershy stood confused at how quickly she had managed to leave the room and couldn't quite remember how she had. She decided to just roll with it for once, she was in a good mood now the bulk of her worries had left for pastures new and she let it show as she trotted back to her precious animals with a spring in her trot.

On the other side of the door, Twilight pressed a hoof to the base of her horn. That mare can talk. I thought only intense magic could give me migraines like this. Well, intense magic and that insufferable and hyperactive menace-

Pinkie Pie appeared out of nowhere, startling Twilight and making her not only lose her train of thought but have it completely derail and crash into a mountain valley accompanied by the dying screams of many innocent thoughts and ideas.

“Holy mother of all things regal!” The unicorn reacted to the situation by channeling her inner Cloud and cursing loudly. However she was still Twilight Sparkle so the initial cursing was limited. The next thing she uttered was not as tame. “What the fuck Pinkie? What the actual monkey fuck?”

“If we did that, this story wouldn’t be family friendly.” Pinkie whispered with a conspiratorial smile.

“Family friendly story?”

“Yeah, you're right. It definitely isn't family friendly anyway. But still! No monkey stuff!”

“How do I tolerate you? You're insufferably insane.”

“I am everypony’s friend. Whether they like it or not. I've made many new friends now we are living in Canterlot. An entire city to befriend! That Ursa Major wasn't all bad.”

“I think you need to see somepony about your obvious abandonment issues and borderline Schizophrenia. Seriously. I can recommend a guy, he lives nearby.”

“Nah! My last therapist changed his name and moved to the ocean. Nowadays I go over to throw his birthday party each year. Keeps changing islands. It's like a global game of Go Seek.”

Can't even escape her by going off the grid? This mare would make an excellent spy. I'll keep that in mind if I ever need to break into anything. “Ever thought he maybe didn't want you to throw him parties?” Twilight raised a this-mare-is-crazy eyebrow.

“Of course he wants me to throw him parties. Everypony loves parties, and everypony who knows me is my friend.” Pinkie bounced around happily, oblivious to the fact Twilight was reinforcing her opinion that Pinkie was probably supposed to be locked in an asylum somewhere. Preferably on the moon.

“Not everypony can be your friend. Some ponies just don't get along with others.”

“Nope. Everypony is my friend. Everypony I ever meet loves me. I guarantee it.”

Somewhere deep underground.

“We must make progress, we cannot fail. That pink racist pest must be locked in a jail.”

“Eeyup.”

“We need to stop her before it's too late. There are only so many teeth a pony can grate.”

“Eeyup.”

“Sure. Whatever,” Twilight suppressed the urge to teleport Pinkie as far away as she could, knowing it'd only make things worse. “Listen. I'm trying to write a letter to myself, you think you could just find somepony else to hang out with right now?”

“Oh! Why didn't you say so?! Of course I'll let you write in peace. I'll go find Rainbow Dash. We haven't done a pranking spree since Ponyville got its newest resident. I don't see why I can't go back and make friends with the Ursa Major. I'm sure it just wants a friend to play with. I wonder what kinda cake an Ursa Maj-”

“Pinkie,” Twilight interrupted, “Trying to write?”

“Oh! Sorry. I'll see you later alligator!” Pinkie walked out the door backwards mumbling something about how she hadn't seen Gummy in a while.

Thank the Goddesses. Now I can write in peace again. Twilight sent a mental search party to recover any survivors from the wreckage of the Mental Express and adjusted her position so she was more comfortable and ready to write. With quill in magical aura and butt in comfy cushion, Twilight reread her letter and began to write once more.

I'm glad she is ok.

The conclusion to the day is what forced me to write this down, in the hopes what happened finally sinks in and the reality of the situation settles in my mind. I still find it hard to believe but upon my return to ‘New Ponyville’ I discovered that my mother’s attacker was none other than Spike, my long time trusted assistant. He was at home, clutching a swollen eye and screaming in terror. We locked him in the dungeons for now, but I'm finding his betrayal hard to swallow.

So my mentor and ruler turns out to be a devious psychopath, an ancient legend who arrived trying to destroy the world is the only sane godlike entity who appears to be a morally decent pony, my library is getting trashed by a giant bear made out of stars and the dragon I hatched and raised tried to kill my mother. I have a strong sense that this isn't how my life was supposed to pan out.

Twilight Sparkle.

Having finished the self-directed letter, Twilight let her head fall back and let out the longest sigh anypony in Equestria shall ever create. She rubbed her face with a hoof and then did her best impression of the fluid state of matter and melted off the chair into the floor.

A delicate, yet strong knock sounded at the door followed by the inviting smell of coffee. Twilight raised her head, pointed herself in the direction of the door and wondered if spending time with another one of her friends was worth it for the caffeinated beverage.

“Who is it?”

A dainty cough sounded behind the door, before a gentle intake of breath signified impending speech sounded. And then, the chapter ended.