Flirting for Foals

by Tray Hunter
edited by DoctorBrony

Ponyville, Equestria
2 Months Before Ticks' Arival

"You need a mare." Lyra stated dryly. Shocked, the stallion opposite her across the kitchen table attempted to spit his coffee in her face. Already awaiting a reaction like this, she had brought today's issue of the Equestria Daily up to shield her from his improvised shower.

"What do you mean? Mare? I just asked you what you're going to do today!" the pegasus countered, trying to change topics. The unicorn lowered her newspaper and leaned over to him, whispering

"That’s why you need someone else to hang out with! Me and BB need some time to be alone once in a while! Also, it would be a great way for you to blend in if you are still worried about being discovered."

"Who’s going to be discovered?" Bon Bon asked as she entered the kitchen. Lyra threw her hooves up in surprise and looked around as if she had been caught stealing. Then she looked into the mare's sleepy eyes and sighed.

"I just discovered how wonderful you look with that sleep mask and ear protectors around your neck." she smiled sheepishly.

The earthpony shrugged and smiled at the compliment. There were some things about her friend she would never understand. For example: how one pony could be so loud In her sleep "Anyway, Good morning Smokey. Whatcha gonna do today?"

The pegasus turned in her direction and smiled in relief "Good morning. I don't know, maybe I'll see if Big Mac needs more help with the orchard. Ditzy seemed a bit unhappy with my work last week."

Hey, how could I know where that Surprise lives, if these ponies don't have proper maps of Cloudsdale? It's made off clouds afterall! They are moving!

The earthpony smiled and looked at him "So, how is it going with you and the mares? Somepony you'd like to introduce to us?"

"Not you too, Bon Bon! Did you two plan this? And why are we having this discussion during breakfast? I can't argue on an empty stomach," he countered, desperatly trying to change topics "Have you seen the game yesterday? These Hoofingtons really know there way around a hoofball field."

The mares looked at each other and as their skeptic looks met, they just nodded and yelled "Get a mare!" in unison. Smokey almost fell off his chair, although Bon Bon always wondered how he or Lyra could sit on them like that in the first place. Smokey looked at them in utter shock "Does this mean you want me out? But I have nowhere to go! Please don't throw me on the street," he plead to the couple across from him.

The cream colored earthpony shot him an unbelieving look, already knowing his tactics and puppy eyes "We just want you to find somepony so we have some time to... to... clean up!" His eyes wandered over to Lyra, who just grinned and furrowed her brows in a seductive way. Suddenly she stopped, noticing the looks her marefriend gave her.

"What? Don't tell me you were serious about that. BB, we haven't-" she blushed a bit and continued under her breath, "you-know-what in a month!" The earthpony rolled her eyes and threw herself upon the mint-green unicorn, kissing and hugging her.

Smokey left as quietly as he could, using his wings to hover a few mere centimetres above the floor. He was enough of a gentlecolt to know when two ponies wanted to be alone. Although he couldn't help but risk a look through the kitchen window after he made it out of the house. He slowly peaked his head into the window but before he could see anythig, a green shimmer covered the curtains and pulled them shut, blocking his sight.

Deprived of some entertainment and his morning coffee, he decided to leave the scene and head over to Sweet Apple Acres.

"Ah'm very sorry, Smokey." the red stallion said as he bucked the last tree "But them apples need another week or so. Why don’tcha go an' check if'n mah sister has som'thin' ta do?" With that, he picked up some of the bushels of baskets that littered the ground and carried them towards the apple cellar.

"Well ah apreciate yer enthusiasm, but Ah ain' got no work fer ya today." Applejack said, preparing her waggon to go for the market "But Ah do have a cousin that’d be happy ta make yer acquaintance." She gulped. "Ah mean, maybe ya will get along jus' fine. A- Ah mean, ya shoul' meet her an' talk a bit." She sighed and stated "Well look at that, Ah can't even lie a bit."

"Is it Let's-get-Smokey-Shipped-with-Somepony-Day or something like that?" he asked in an annoyed tone rolling his eyes "Why is everpony trying to get me a marefriend?"

"Beg pardon?" the apple farmer countered in surprise "Who else's tryin' ta get ya a filly? An' how dare them think there'd be anypony better than ma cousin Red Gala!"

The pegasus sighed and explained how his hosts already tried to talk him into it. It wasn't like he would've minded a nice mare on his side but he still felt a bit weird about dating a pony. Although his instincts and preferences were meanwhile completely ponified, it still felt a bit awkward. And the fact that they were forcing him to find somepony didn't help in the least.

"And that’s why I'll pass your offering, AJ. Nothing personnel against your cousin. It’s just me," he sighed "Anyway, I'll see if I can make myself useful somewhere in town." With that he took off and flew towards Ponyville.

He didn't make it far, as he was hit by another pony in midair. As he regained his balance he heard the mare yelling at him, "Hey, look where you're flying, featherbrain! I'm on dut-" She stopped as she noticed the stallion. "Oh, it's you Smokey. Whatcha up to?"

He smiled and answered "Hey Dash. I was going to try to make myself useful, but apparently nopony has anything for me to do." He thought for a second. "You don't happen to have some work for me, do you?"

The cyan mare hesitated but then said, "Sure, you help me get those clouds from the western part of Ponyville to the eastern part." She pointed at a massive field of white fluff hanging in the sky.

He shrugged and answered "No problem, Rainbow. But can you-" before he could finish his question, she dashed off, leaving a trail of colors behind her, hence the name I guess. Smokey turned around and followed as fast as he could.

It was an uneven race. For a short while it seemed as if he was gaining on her but she just fell back and laughed in his face before she accelerated again.

Alright, you had your chance! Here comes the B!

His vision blurred and his brain took control of their shared body. Smokey's mind meanwhile wandered through his head, seeing everything as if he looked through a pair of windows.

"B! I told you I don't like being on exchange!"

A voice echoed from the metaphorical walls of his head. Oh, you think I like all that oatmeal you do all the time? Let me have some fun as well!

He sighed. "Fine, but don't screw up! I want my body back just like I left it!"

First: Your body? I've been inside here at least as long as you have! And second: You never left this body. You're just on the outer rim to unconsciousness. No big deal.

"Outer what now? You mean I'm flying in a coma?"

Yes and no. You basically are in a coma, since you can't physically react to anything, but I'm in control and I'm flying.

Suddenly a luxurious couch appeared beside him "I feel so much better now." he sat down on the imaginary furniture and looked out of his eyes, "Again, don't screw up!"

The pegasus' controlled body spun around, crashing through the clouds, when suddenly they caught up with Dash.

Alright let's see if these vocal cords are as good as they think they are!

"But please don't-" Smokey tried to stop him.

"Hey, you strangely colored, winged equine! I think I'm better than you! Try to catch me if you think you can overcome the forces of NATURE to reach my momentum!" he yelled. And yes, it was as awkward as it sounds.

While Smokey just bit into the lean of his sofa, Rainbow just queried, "Say what? Smokey? Do you feel under the weather again?" She giggled. Apparently being the best weather pony in charge brings some (terrible) puns with it.

"Please! For whatever reason you may think you have to smartflank on our... no, MY friends, could you please stop being the biggest dork these ponies have ever seen? This is my reputation you are crashing after all!" Smokey yelled, kicking against his head's inside. "I'll do whatever you want! I'd even start reading again! Or maybe you want some crossword puzzles, huh? Brains love crossword puzzles, don't they?"

"You will not stop me, you annoying little tumor!" B exclaimed. Unfortunately he forgot about the fact that the cyan mare could hear every last word. He would regret that.

"Alright, you dumb featherbrain! I thought we were friends but that’s enough!" she yelled "Nopony calls me a rumor!"

"Oh, nonono! Dash, I meant-" B stuttered short before the pegasus stopped him in midair, holding him up-close to her face.

"What did I say again about screwing up? At least she didn't hear that you called her a tumor! If she knew what that was-" the mind of the stallion stated nervously, desperately trying to find that lever to release the painkillers as his brain controlled mouth opened and started to talk

"Oh, sorry Rainbow. I said tumor, not rumor. A tumor is a piece of meat that grows inside a cancer-infected body and presses on nearby organs until the body dies."

This yielded three reactions:
- B was happy to share his knowledge with others
- Smokey seemingly tried to get out of his own head, mentally headbutting the prison of his own mind..
- Rainbow reared up and kicked his face, sending him spiraling down into the Everfree Forest

.
.
.

When Smokey tried to open his eyes to check his surroundings, he noticed that he couldn't move at all. Luckily this time he knew the reason for that. B was still in charge and was literally asleep at the wheel. He metaphorically pulled him from the metaphoric driver's seat and metaphorically took place. Let the psychological analysies begin!

Back in charge (and wondering how he could even stand with a passed out brain) he looked around. He had never been to this part of the forest. Everything seemed so... civilized and familiar. Suddenly he gasped, noticing some small flasks and a set of huge masks in a display on the wall.

"This isn't good! This isn't good at all!" The pegasus looked up and was met by a big, pony-shaped hole in the roof above him "Oh great! Trespassing AND vandalism! I just hope I can get out of here in one piece before-" as he turned around to leave he almost bumped into the figure behind him. The usually calm zebra wore a heartbroken expression on her face. And by heartbroken, I mean chest-shatteringly angry!

"Zecora!? Oh my gosh, how are you holding up ? Any good gossips lately?" He cantered back, trying to distract from the chaos but suddenly stumbled over a piece of wood and landed down on his haunches.

She took a deep breath and said, in a way too calm tone "You better have a reason to be here here, more or less! And also have an explanation for all this mess!" He never thought his first encounter with the striped ...equine(?) would involve so many unpleasant questions. He always imagined he would meet her after an exposure to poison joke which caused his legs to disappear. That wouldn't be very pleasant either, but at least a flying sausage doesn't smash roofs.

"I wasn't- I mean- Have you- B? Wake up!" he stuttered as the zebra came closer. Getting no response from his (for once pretty unreliable) thinking organ, he decided to take his guts, explain everything and apologize. As best as he could without using the words "Brain", "Couch" or "Pissed-off Rainbow Dash.”

"I had an argument with somepony after an... uhm... a misunderstanding and said pony threw me through your roof." he smiled as sheepishly as his face would let him. Would she believe him? Would she crush him with some ancient zebra-style martial arts? Would she at least ask which pony he got mad enough to be thrown by?

"You don't have to lie to me, as I heard what you mumbled about that B," she explained with a soft smile on her face "When you shattered into my hut, I was outside to collect herbs and only heard a loud *thump*. When I returned you were laying on my floor, looking quite sad and poor.”

He gulped. How much did he say? Was his cover blown? Would he have to immigrate to Mexicolt? Would the author ever stop writing in questions? And most importantly, when would B wake up to help him out of this? Most times he didn't even listen to him, but in times like that, he would've done anything for some good advice! Advice or invisibility, one or the other.

"Of brains, dimensions and terrible diseases! And moving out, after what ever a lease is."

"Great!" he said, an unimpressed expression on his face "That loudmouth talked while we were out." Smokey sighed "In which direction is the border?"

"Oh, please don't flee. No harm to you will come from me," she explained as the pegasus got up to leave. "In fact you really should stay and listen close to what I say."

"I'm listening," he said, one ear peaked up in curiosity "What's on your mind?"

She chuckled and answered "You are very brave, having very few scares. I would’nt be too surprised if you would be famous with the mares. A stallion such as yourself must have been famous with a story or two, I wonder how come I have never even heard of a colt like you?"

"Is it that time of the year already or did I forget to take off my swag last night? Did Pinkie Pie put that 'date-me sticker' on my flank again?" he turned around checking for his cutiemarks but found no offending paper of any kind.

"What is this 'Swag' that you speak?" she asked with a curious expression on her face. "Is it some plant I have yet to seek?"

"You really need to get out more. Anyway, sorry about your roof. I really didn't mean to do that. I swear I'll come back with some tools and materials tomorrow," he smiled and imitated a certain party mare's signature swear. "Maybe I can at least temporarally fix it until I find somepony with a hammer for a cutiemark."

They said their goodbyes and our black-winged hero made his way out of the forest

"Ok, Step 1: Get tools and materials. Step 2: Get her roof done. Step 3: Poke B with the pony equivalent of a Q-Tip!" He sighed, letting his head hang.

But you're not suposed to stick them all the way in! It says so on the package.

Smokey suddenly stopped, hovering in midair; Ponyville already in sight. "Well look who's back from the dead! Any last words before I stab you with a crayon?"

'Hey! It's not my fault she was mad at you!'

"Not your- Are you kidding me? Do you have any idea why I never argue with you when over ponies are around? Well, I'll tell you! On a good day they just think I’m crazy! On a bad day they think I’m rude and then they throw us through rooftops!"

The pegasus' face grimaced as B tried to distract his host with his own version of a puppy face. The puppy tick!
Come on, don't you frown. I'm sorry after all and I already have a idea to apologize by Rainbow Dash.

"And what could that be? Another insult? A brand new lesson in anatomy?" he countered, his face muscles twitching wildly. "Let's hear it!"

Duh, we get her into the Wonderbolts! Easy as that. Nothing could possibly go wrong!

*****

After talking and pleading to the three only members of the Wonderbolts they knew, they decided to give up.

I really thought Soarin’ would fall for the pie.

"That pie was a pile of wet bread with a bunch of candy dropped onto it!" Smokey sighed "Alright, we'll see Dash later. Maybe she will forgive me when things cooled down a bit."

We could still try to get her into that other flyer’s group! The Wonderbalds!

"First: I said no! Second: She would never join anypony if they weren't the Wonderbolts. Third: The Wonderbalds are a bunch of balding pegasii, overdue for their retirement who perform at amusement parks and mall openings!"

But-

"Case closed! Now let's get home before I reconsider my plan with the crayon." With that he started his way to Bon Bon and Lyra's house.

"You got what?" the candy maker yelled, skeptic of what the pegasus just said ."You know what? Don't tell me again! I'll see if we have any tools in the basement." With that she left Lyra and the shocked Smokey alone.

The unicorn looked at him and asked "B?", getting an annoyed expression and a nod from the redmaned pony. She chuckled a bit and left for the door. "I need a drink. Care to join a poor and helpless mare?" They both laughed and left for the Eatery and Drinkery.

At about 3 a.m. they cantered home. Well, at least they tried...

"Where ish we? I could've swearn that’s was da way!" Lyra said, obviously fighting to keep her balance. It was a quiet evening. Only a few crickets could be heard. Well, crickets and a pair of drunken ponies.

"Ah tol' ya we had ta tak' the othe' road! Tain' like Ah don' know ma way aroun' Pun- Pina- town!" the pegasus answered, still imitating Apple Cider's accent.

Sudenly the unicorn fell over and was fast asleep. Smokey already knew the routine. It would be hard to wake her up and help her on her hooves again. She once told him to just let her be if it came to that and he learned it was better to head that advice. Usually he would have just dragged her to the nearest park bench and look for her the next morning (Usually at the Pans-Equestria Home of Flapjacks), but this night he decided to bring her home. He somehow managed to get her on his back but after a few feet he noticed something: Drunken ponies are way heavier than sober ones. Basically because they tend to kick their carrier in the side.

"Ouch! Wouldchu please stop dat? An' hold still!" He managed to at least get her hooves still by holding them tight with his wings but he forgot about one thing: her mouth. The mare bit his neck, causing him to neigh as loud as he could. He dropped her on the ground and yelled, "What's gotten into you?" getting a muffled "Speedy Pizza *murmur* Octavia!" from her.

He rolled his eyes and sat down, thinking about his next step. He couldn't just let her lay like that. Not only because she was his friend, also because the ferocious little pony meant harm to everypony trying to help her.

"Ok, missy! You don't want to go and you don't want to be caried!? Alright! Then you will be dragged!" He took her tail with his mouth and pulled her towards their destination, getting muffled curses and air kicks each couple of hoofsteps.

"Hey! What are you doing? Let her down!" a mare's voice yelled from behind. Smokey was going to say something but suddenly the couple levitated in the air, a pink shimmer surrounding them.

"Mpfhgh!?" he stuttered through the bunch of hair in his mouth, when suddenly a unicorn stepped out of the dark, her violet eyes fixed on the pegasus "I said, let her down, you ruffian!"

When he saw her, his jaw simply dropped, releasing Lyra's tail. She was beautiful. Her pink coat was shining in the moonlight and her multicolored mane flowing in the slight summer breeze. The only thing slightly irritating about her was the angry look she shot the pegasus. Suddenly she spoke up. "What were you thinking, you jerk? You just don’t trot around and ponynap other ponies! Not as long as I am here!" She levitated the still cursing and kicking Lyra down and placed her on the ground.

The blackwinged pony's train of thought suddenly stopped "Wait! Ponynap? You think I...? I mean...Lyra? You're not from here, are you?"

She looked at the pegasus, who suddenly broke out in laughter. Confused she stuttered "N-no, I-I'm not. I live in Canterlot. But I was told there was a pony in need of help, so I came to Ponyville to save them."

"Well, thank the moon! Then you can help me get Lyra home. She’s kicked me, bit me, and questioned the sexuality of almost every relative I have."

The pink mare chuckled a bit "So, she isn't the pony Luna was talking about. YOU are in need of help!"

Smokey gasped "Luna? You mean like in “Princess Luna?” As in Woona Luna? The pony that controls the moon and stuff?"

"The same!" she smiled proudly "Sometimes when I look at the moon, I can hear her. And in all these years, she never let me down."

The pegasus stared at her, mouth agape and eyes about to pop out. This mare was amazing. She was beautiful, magical, and had a bond to his #1 all times favourite princess.

"Eh, soooo, were does she live?" she asked, popping the bubble of future plans, forming in the pegasus' head.

"Oh, just this way." He took Lyra on his back; her weight supported by the mare's levitation spell "By the way, I'm Smokey."

She smiled "Nice to meet you. I'm Starberry Burst."