Author's Notes:

It's been a very busy 10 months. I almost died in one of them. Read Me: Blog Post explaining reasons why this chapter was delayed coming soon...

Fireworks Gone Wrong

“I know for a fact that Trixie’s got more than enough fireworks with her,” said Starlight eagerly, looking down their list. “She’s had them for years now and was just looking for a reason to get rid of them especially now that she’s mastered fireworks spells!”

Before Twilight could so much as get a word out, Starlight had already teleported away. Twilight could only stare at the spot where Starlight had disappeared and silently lamented the scorch marks she’d left behind in her enthusiasm.

At least she understood how Spike felt when she’d done the same thing...

She looked thoughtfully at the broom closet and her horn began to glow its familiar magenta glow…

“Are you going to tell Trixie why you need her entire supply of fireworks?” Trixie asked wryly as she watched with thinly veiled amusement as Starlight snatched up every last firework she could find. “Not that Trixie minds, now that she’s mastered fireworks spells, they’ve been weighing her down so Trixie appreciates you taking them off her hooves.”

“It’s really not a problem, Trixie,” Starlight reassured her. “If anything, I should be thanking you for letting me take them.”

It was here that a thought struck Trixie dumb. Did Starlight even know how to use fireworks. She had no doubt that it wouldn’t take her long to figure it out. Still, what kind of friend would she be if she allowed Starlight to simply tinker with them and run the risk of it all blowing up in her first real friend’s face?

While this could be argued either way, Trixie, for brevity’s sake, decided it would be to everyone's mutual benefit if she gave Starlight a crash course.

Especially when she remembered that Starlight didn’t have a pyrotechnic permit like she did.

“Starlight! Get over here! Trixie needs to teach you how to set up and ignite this stuff!” Trixie barked as Starlight collected the last of her stray fireworks into a sturdy looking crate.

“How hard could it be?” asked Starlight almost dismissively.

“Trixie almost lost a hoof and a chunk of her mane when she tried to set off her first high powered firework without proper instruction,” said Trixie grimly. She still had nightmares about that first time. Thankfully, she survived the experience in one piece and was a little more willing to read the instruction protocols her teacher set. “Technically speaking, Trixie shouldn’t be letting you take her fireworks especially since she happens to know for a fact that you don’t have a pyro-technician license like she does.” She nodded to the framed certificate on the wall indicating that Trixie had indeed finished her certification course and was licensed to handle high powered fireworks.

That caught Starlight off guard but she seemed more willing to listen as Trixie gave her something of a crash course on pyrotechnics. She quickly realized that her friend’s line of work was significantly more complicated than she’d realized. Starlight had also come to appreciate Trixie’s effort when it came to the near-Twilight level meticulousness Trixie put into her shows and it made Starlight respect her that much more.

“You never did tell Trixie why you needed those fireworks in the first place,” Trixie mused as she watched Starlight lift the crate in her magic.

“Twilight, Spike, and I are running a few experiments with these and I wanted to avoid awkward questions that I’d get from buying them from the stores back in Ponyville,” Starlight explained. “I briefly considered asking Pinkie but I’m pretty sure she’s only got her party cannon and while she might be an expert with fireworks, I’m not sure I’d want to try to learn how to use fireworks from her… I can barely understand half of the things she does.”

“That’s fair,” Trixie agreed. She looked at Starlight seriously. “Don’t tell anyone where you got them from. I could get into a lot of trouble if word got out that I’ve been distributing fireworks to ponies who aren’t licensed.”

“My lips are sealed,” Starlight promised. She charged her horn for a teleport but Trixie’s frantic waving made her pause.

“Can you teleport on the grass, please?” she requested. “It cost Trixie two months payment to furnish her wagon this way and would prefer not to see it blown to pieces.” She paused. “She was also hoping to have a fire going for the evening.”

“No problem,” Starlight couldn’t help but wince as she remembered the numerous instances when her teleportation had left all matter of skid marks.

“I’m back!” Starlight chimed cheerfully as she teleported back into the room. In her enthusiasm, she’d left another set of scorch marks in her wake. Twilight, who’d just finished clearing the scorch marks from Starlight’s last enthusiastic teleport, shot her student a pointed look. Starlight had the decency to look apologetic coupled with a nervous laugh. Still, she’d returned with a large crate in tow.

“You got the fireworks?” Twilight asked, her expression brightening. “Where did you…” she started but Starlight shook her head vigorously.

“I can’t say. My supplier wants plausible deniability in case something goes wrong,” Starlight said quickly.

“Starlight, it’s obvious that you got them from Trixie,” Spike chimed in, nodding to bottle rockets adorned with Trixie’s cutie mark. Starlight blinked then looked where Spike had pointed. She swore several times under her breath as she conjured a can of spray paint can to cover up her friend’s mark.

“There, now no one will know!” She hissed, adding yet another layer of paint for good measure several minutes later. “Now that we’ve sorted that out. How are we going to do this in a way that could go horribly wrong and possibly end up with your tragic demise, Twilight?”

Twilight shrugged. She hadn’t spent much time studying pyrotechnics, she tended to spend most of her time on general spell theory. She’d figured that Starlight would have had a better idea, being that she was best friends with a stage magician like Trixie.

Remembering what Trixie had taught her, Starlight recalled most of her accidents tended to lead to burns. Recalling previous instances with Twilight and fire, she vividly remembered the lack of injury or death associated with fire. This made Starlight wonder if there was even any point to going through with this exercise. Well, she had gone through the trouble of hunting Trixie down, collecting the fireworks, and dutifully paying attention to Trixie’s long winded lecture about firework safety. It would be a pity if that all went to waste just because Twilight happened to have an immunity to fire.

“Well Trixie mentioned that most of the injuries she got when handling them were because of burns,” she supplied, “and to a lesser extent, smoke inhalation but since we’re testing that one later, I thought we’d use the smokeless kind.” She grinned wryly. “Trixie was out of the smoke ones anyway. You know how much she likes using smoke in her acts.”

Twilight and Spike nodded. They had remembered all too well how much Trixie loved using smoke bombs when she wanted to give the illusion of teleporting without actually having to teleport back when they’d first met her.

“Anyway, Trixie actually told me that quite a few of the accidents start with these,” she waved the sparklers around her magic.

“Really?” said Twilight skeptically. Picking up a box of sparklers she stared at them dubiously as though disbelieving that they could so much as catch fire let alone kill someone.

“That’s about the same expression I made when Trixie told me,” Starlight nodded. “She said that it was because some foal threw one through a window to wake up his friend and ended up killing his sister from the resulting fire.”

Twilight regarded the sparklers with newly regarded suspicion. She looked to Spike and silently gestured for him to light up some sparklers for all three of them. Spike obeyed with a small puff of his trademark green fire, they watched as the sparklers let lose their sparks for what felt like a minute. Starlight, having never used sparklers before, enjoyed waving it around like a wand, twirling it about much like she imagined her magician friend would during her performances.

“Now that we’ve had some fun trying these things out, let’s try actually causing some harm with them,” Starlight suggested. Twilight and Spike held no reservations and followed her lead. Spike graciously lit them up a second set of sparklers.

The first and most obvious way was just lighting Twilight on fire with those sparklers. To the surprise of no one. Nothing happened. No Twilight shrieking in pain, her coat didn’t even ignite on contact with the sparks.

It was all very underwhelming.

“Should we move on to the higher power fireworks?” Spike asked. Twilight shrugged. They had more powerful fireworks and it would be a shame not to use them. They moved on to firecrackers which Twilight found more startling than either lethal or painful but still left Twilight largely unscathed. For Starlight and Spike, there had been something approaching catharsis as years of pent up frustrations from her neurotic tendencies was channeled into hurling largely innocent firecrackers at the princess.

It became immediately clear to the trio experimenting with fireworks just why Trixie enjoyed using smoke bombs in her acts: they did make for an impressive aesthetic when used in moderation. They had a lot of fun playing with them, re-enacting some of their favorite battles before remembering just why they had come together with a crate full of fireworks and went back to work.

On the other end of the spectrum were the fountains looked nice but didn’t have the flare or appeal that the smoke bombs or firecrackers had. Next had been the ground spinners which were about as fun as the fountains. Following that was the bottle rockets which were about the next most entertaining fireworks they’d encountered and while they were certainly hotter than the sparklers had been, they had still failed to ignite Twilight’s coat or wings.

Moving on to the most powerful fireworks at their disposal produced something of a real fireworks show in the confines of the castle. Twilight had to hastily erect fireproofing wards to prevent her precious books from being burned to bits. It had been a fun experience working with the fireworks and, having used their stock of them and not observing a single death during the experiment, decided that Twilight would likely be safe from someone who thought assassinating her with fireworks would be a good idea.

Earthquake

“You know what, I’m not even going to bother trying to figure out how this all works when it’s obvious that we just need to ask Discord if he could make an earthquake for us,” Twilight deadpanned, looking up from their list.

“I was wondering how long it would take for you to realize that,” Spike chimed in from his place at the map table. “I thought you would have realized it sooner but better late than never, I guess…” he frowned. “So much for my bid in the pool…”

“A bid…” Twilight whispered dangerously. “Spike, did you bet on how long it would take for me to realize that Discord is our friend and that he could create any natural disaster we could possibly imagine?”

“Would it help if I said it was a small pool?” asked Spike hopefully.

“That depends,” Twilight replied shrewdly, “was it?”

“Um… no?” he trailed off in what he knew was a pitiful attempt to deflect attention from himself. “Anyway, we’re getting off track,” said Spike quickly, noticing the darkening look on Twilight’s face and the subsequent sensation of his blood turning to ice. “It’ll be a simple matter to make a powerful earthquake but the main issue is figuring out where to go: we’d need to find an isolated place close to as many fault lines as we can manage. After all, we don’t want anybody getting hurt from our increasingly insane attempts to see what can and cannot kill you.”

Twilight agreed and nodded to the cutie map table. She overlaid the map with a second spell for faultlines. Unfortunately, their search results turned up very little for what they were looking for. It turned out all the best places for earthquakes to occur were in major cities like vanhoover or in the ocean…

She paused, staring at the ocean on the map thoughtfully. While it was true that if she could drown if she went out there again but it would be a simple matter to walk on water with a self-levitation much like Starlight had done when she and Twilight had their duel.

“Alternatively, we could use this abandoned settlement,” Spike chimed in, pointing. Twilight blinked herself out of her musings and stared at where he’d pointed curiously. It didn’t have nearly as many fault lines to work with to make an earthquake but it was certainly easier to reach and less magically intensive. It had then belated occurred to her that they didn’t want to risk mixing up dying via earthquake with potential death by tsunami.

“I think it’ll be for the best to go with the settlement. We’ll just have to make sure that it has no historical value before we go around causing earthquakes,” said Twilight. “I don’t think it’ll take long for me to check at the archives either way.”

No one had a chance to say anything before Twilight teleported in a bright burst of magic, leaving everyone else dazed and slightly bemused. They only had to wait a few seconds for Twilight to return, a broad smile across her face as she beamed around at them.

“It’s not a historic destination so it’s fair game for anyone who wants to use it,” she announced cheerfully. “I don’t think anybody would miss it if the settlement was destroyed.”

“Great!” said Discord. “Then let’s get to work!”

“The sooner this place is destroyed, the happier I’ll be,” Starlight muttered as she and Spike kept close to each other while Discord and Twilight discussed various means of causing an earthquake. Privately, Spike agreed. The desolate town that Spike was sure had once been a sprawling metropolis spooked him out too. He was also keen on getting far away from here as possible.

“For what it’s worth, at least we won’t be in the epicenter whenever this earthquake happens,” Spike pointed out. “We’ll be in a bunker far far away from all this madness, watching via binoculars while Discord’s keeping tabs on Twilight while it happens.”

“That actually makes me feel a lot better about this whole thing,” Starlight admitted, wrapping her tail around his the better to keep from getting separated. “Should we just go there now since all of our note-taking stuff is already there, isn’t it?”

“Last I checked it was,” Spike agreed. Needing no further incentive than the prospect of getting out of the Celestia-forsaken ghost town, Starlight teleported herself and Spike to the bunker several hundred feet away from the blast zone.

In the end, Twilight and Discord agreed that explosives would be the best way to cause an earthquake. But not just a run-of-the-mill explosive that they’d known Pinkie Pie occasionally work with. No, these would be on par in power with blasts produced as a result of Rainbow Power.

It would certainly be dazzling to say the least.

“I almost want to ask where you were able to get canned versions of the girls’ and my rainbow powered blasts but I figured that I’m going to regret asking and keep my mouth shut,” Twilight said abruptly as she stood in what they’d all determined to be the epicenter of their earthquake in development.

“Is this some backhanded way of asking how I did it without actually asking?” Discord asked, eyebrow raised. “Twilight, you know how I feel about that sort of talk.”

“Um… proud that I’m being arguably unnecessarily roundabout when it comes to asking questions instead of just getting started with this earthquake?”

“Exactly!” Discord beamed, planting a gold star on Twilight’s chest. He wiped an imaginary tear from his eye before gesturing to the metal barrel and adjacent wire leading back to the bunker several hundred feet away. “So we’ve already discussed protocol for this little experiment, Starlight put a tracking charm on you so that we can find you in the debris. Also, normally we’d have to wait days for an earthquake to happen from an explosion but let’s just say I added my own little brand of chaos,” he paused briefly to rub his talons together to release a little bit of magic dust, “to speed things up.”

“That sounds good, Discord,” Twilight nodded, “so by your estimate, how long should I have to wait for the earthquake itself to hit?”

“Hmm…” Discord produced a pocket watch and stared at it contemplatively. Twilight was able to make out the image of a chicken caught in mid-dance where the 12 would have been, while the other numbers instead were substituted with various animals. “Give it 5 minutes before everything starts crumbling.”

“About the best we could have hoped for,” Twilight nodded. “Thanks Discord.”

“Anytime.”

There was no countdown, no dramatic build up, no breathtaking climax. It was more a case of now-you-see-it now-you don’t. Discord unceremoniously pushed the button and Starlight and Spike felt the bang before they heard it. They stared at the now desolate wasteland that had once been an abandoned settlement. Starlight and Spike had to refrain from cheering at the wanton destruction while Discord snapped his fingers, disabling the shield that would have protected Twilight from the subsequent explosion of friendship magic. They’d already known what’d happen if she was exposed to that.

It wouldn’t do to mess with their experiment by having Twilight suffering from the explosion and then the earthquake. It almost made them wonder why they had left her at the epicenter rather than teleport her there once the explosion took place…

What’s done was done and it’s not like they had safeguards in place for situations such as these. Still, just as Discord promised, Starlight and Spike had barely raised their quills to their notebooks when they felt the telltale shaking indicative of an earthquake.

Starlight and Spike had made to dive into the nearby closet before remembering that their bunker had been reinforced for earthquakes courtesy of the Discord. He smirked wickedly at them.

“I’m slightly offended that you think I’d let you get hurt from this experiment,” Discord remarked idly. Spike and Starlight had the decency to look abashed as they looked up at him. He shook his head in faint amusement, “Just take your notes. Twilight would likely rip your heads off if she discovered that her possible death did not have proper documentation or that her designated notetakers were too busy panicking when they should have been taking notes while she was risking her life in the name of academic discovery.”

The pair did not protest as they snatched up two pairs of binoculars and zoomed in to get as good a look at Twilight as they could manage. Indeed, they managed to get a clear view of her from their safe haven and watched in morbid fascination as she soon found herself flying without wings into a building.

It was an impressive display of flight to be sure but the resulting crunch was decidedly less impressive.

“Twilight!” they shouted, rushing from the bunker and into the wreckage of the settlement where they had seen Twilight crash. They stared as section of concrete shifted and they could see a familiar purple hoof emerge from the wreckage. Spike and Starlight shifted more of the rock, the better to help Twilight free.

“Ah!” She heaved triumphantly as they managed to free her. Shaking her head, it was plain that she was battered and bruised much like she would have been after any long fights she may have had. “Did you happen to die while we were trying to find you?”

“No,” said Twilight, shaking her head. “Just knocked silly from the blast, more than anything.”

“You definitely had that from the earthquake,” Spike nodded. “So as far as we can tell, you only sustained superficial injuries as a result of the earthquake.”

“Sounds about right,” Twilight agreed. “Still, I want to have some more tests to see if that’s extent of my injuries every time it happens. If it is, I think I’ll be able to learn more about them from up close than any other geologist could ever hope!” She paused, “We’re going to need repair the town if we want to try again, though.”

They watched in morbid fascination as the building seemed to reassemble before their eyes.” They turned a wide-eyed stare on Discord who floated lazily past.

“Not my forte but it gets the job done, I think,” he remarked.

“Thanks Discord,” said Twilight gratefully. “It probably would have taken us weeks otherwise.

“Seeing you attempting to kill yourself makes all worth it,” Discord shrugged. “Are we ready to try again. We keep doing this for as long as you want, after all.”

So they tried again. Much like every previous encounter with anything even distantly associated with blunt force trauma, Twilight had only sustained, at worse, superficial injuries. These had easily been treated with salve.

“Should we knock this one off the list?” Spike asked after what felt like twenty attempts later.

“I would,” Twilight nodded as Starlight applied what seemed like liberal amounts of salve over her largely superficial wounds.

Smoke inhalation

“I can definitely see how this could kill me,” said Twilight thoughtfully, looking up at her friends. “Alicorn or not, I don’t think I’d survive if my lungs failed. I’m just curious how long it would take for my lungs to fail outright.”

“I think it’d be pretty easy to find out,” Spike offered. “I mean, especially given that we can monitor it in real time thanks to Discord.”

“You’re welcome!” they could hear Discord’s voice echo out in the hallway. A cursory glance outside revealed no draconequus to be seen. At one time, they would have found this deeply unsettling but as it stood, Discord happened to be a very good friend of theirs and had long since learned to take his chaotic quirks into stride. Indeed, they’d adopted the modus operandi they’d used when trying to understanding anything Pinkie did.

“Right,” said Twilight briskly to Spike, “I’ll get the lab equipment while you get a nice blaze going for us. Make sure it’s extra smokey.”

“On it,” Spike saluted, rushing off to do as he was told.

It had been a simple matter of starting a fire in their kitchen. Starlight discovered what they were up to and had decided to join them with a bag of marshmallows and an oxygen mask for herself. Spike, being a dragon, had no need for one.

Spike and Starlight watched, taking notes as Twilight started gagging on the smoke within five minutes and reflexively covered her mouth and nose with her wings only to fall to the ground in a heap when doing so. This was taking into account that she had blatantly disregarded standard fire safety protocols and kept to the air to increase contact with the smoke and by extension - ruin her lungs faster.

“How long do normal ponies last in prolonged contact with smoke?” Spike asked curiously. Starlight consulted her notes.

“I think the longest on record was six hours before third degree burns and smoke inhalation killed him,” Starlight replied. “It happened out in the middle of nowhere… like Our Town level nowhere. The only reason this was recorded was that several nomads found his remains days later and brought him to a hospital to be autopsied.” She shook her head, “it’s amazing what you can learn from cutting someone opening.”

“Sure is,” Spike agreed. They continued to watch as Twilight slowly turned cherry red from the carbon monoxide accumulation. It seemed that it wouldn’t be long before she either died or some form of alicorn miracle capped her carbon monoxide intake.

Lo and behold, with a thump, Twilight land on the ground, dead. They didn’t have to wait long as the angel descended from her hiding place to revive Twilight back to full strength with but a simple spell. As she disappeared, Twilight looked back to the others.

“My lungs are strong but they’re not invincible. It was only a matter time before the smoke and carbon monoxide took over and eventually killed me. Plus, it’s not like we don’t have a precedent with that time I was asphyxiated or gassed.”

Spike and Starlight felt stupid for not making this realization sooner. Still, it didn’t stop them from trying again and again. One trial does not an experiment make, after all.

“Is it strange that I found it just as unpleasant during the tenth attempt as the first?”

“Nope,” Starlight shook her head. “I mean, who really wants to die by smoke inhalation? No one with a sense of self preservation, that’s who.” She added before Spike could so much as open his mouth.

“Fair enough,” Spike conceded. “I mean, I’m a dragon so I breath fire on a regular basis so smoke isn’t an issue for me.”

As per their academic rigor, Twilight had been forced to death with the smoke more times than she’d cared. Just like in every other instance, she’d eventually fallen to the ground in a heap, dead. Much like every other time, Starlight and Spike would watch as their angel friend revived her and they repeated until they’d final decided.

“Strike it. We know I’m going to die from smoke inhalation,” Twilight decided. “In hindsight, it should have been obvious. I’m starting to see a trend with all the lung related deaths being successful, as far as I can recall.”

Spike needed to hear no more as he cross it off the list, marking the result as he did so much like they’d done with the ones before it.

Natural Aging

“I’m at a loss for how we would go about testing this?” Starlight asked. “I mean, wouldn’t we have to wait for years and years for that to happen?”

“Actually, no,” Twilight shook her head. “There’s actually a condition that can make this happen but we’d need to mutate the nuclei in my cells to break down my cells.”

“So how do we go about doing that in a feasible amount of time? Or are you telling me that you actually have this mutation?”

Twilight laughed, shaking her head. She didn’t have the mutation, she would have already died otherwise, but it would only take a single conversation with a certain draconequus to make it happen. Indeed, Twilight grinned as Discord entered the room seconds later. She then consulted him about mutating all her cells to make the disease to speed up her aging process.

Discord needed no further incentive as he conjured a pair of latex pair of gloves and pulled them on.

“Right,” he said briskly. “If you’d be so kind, Twilight. Please sit on this table and we’ll get started.” He nodded to the table, Twilight was certain hadn’t been there seconds before. Still, she clambered aboard and made herself as comfortable as she could.

“Is there any preference to how you want me to lie?” asked Twilight.

“Nope,” Discord shrugged. “My method will only take a few seconds so I guess it doesn’t make any difference.” Twilight didn’t get to ask anymore questions as, at that moment, as Discord blasted her with his magic. She could feel herself aging at what would she would later compare as lightspeed. Twilight struggled off the table and only managed it with help from Spike and Starlight.

“What did you do to her?” Starlight asked, shocked as he took in Twilight’s wizened features. Indeed, it was as though someone had aged her 80 years forward. She looked much like Granny Smith did if Granny Smith was an alicorn.

“A combination of oxidative stress and messing with her cell’s nuclei,” Discord waved a taloned hand lazily. “The two major hallmarks of aging, really. It would have happened over time had she stayed a unicorn but alicorn cells are a lot stronger than normal pony cells.”

“Still, it seems that alicorns can still get what I prefer to call HGPS.” Starlight and Spike tilted their heads, confused. “Hutchinson-Gilford Progeria Syndrome caused by messing around with the membrane around the cell nucleus to make it break down hence the reason why foals can die from diseases associated with old age.”

Indeed, Twilight didn’t have to wait long as she felt all the hallmarks of old age catch up with her: weakened joints, aching limbs, decreased muscle tones, and a significantly weaker immune system. Indeed, it was all Twilight could do to fight off the plethora of diseases that had seen fit to take on her immune system in its now weakened state.

Twilight shook badly on her weakened hooves. Spike was at her side in an instant to provide her support. Starlight was quick to join them when it became clear that Spike wouldn’t be able to support her on his own.

“Twilight!” Spike shouted, alarmed as he noticed Twilight’s breathing becoming more ragged and shallow. It couldn’t be plainer that it was taking almost all of her effort just stay upright much less do anything else. It was quickly becoming clear from Twilight’s breathing that she wasn’t going to last much longer.

Starlight produced several pillows and a thick blanket in her magic and spread them across the floor. Silently, she nodded to Spike who proceeded to place her gently onto the pillows while draping the blanket across her now dead body.

At least, he figured she was dead from the lack of breathing or heartbeat. A quick series of physical exams confirmed that Twilight had indeed died. If that wasn’t enough, the angel descending down to revive her cemented it. They watched in awe as with a kiss on each cheek, Twilight, now bathed in golden light, stood up and appeared just as she had before undergoing Discord’s genetic treatment.

“Well,” Twilight couldn’t help but smile despite herself. “I’ve always wanted to grow old. I guess I can cross that off my bucket list. But I can’t say anyone will be able to do it multiple times like I will.”

The tension broken, the others couldn’t help but laugh at her quip. Indeed, much like her first attempt, Twilight quickly grew to admire Granny Smith’s endurance. Working with a failing health and body certainly made things more difficult for Twilight. On the upside, at least her death was quick though not necessarily painless.

Still, it couldn’t be plainer that elderly alicorns weren’t meant or designed to age for that matter and in the event that they were to age, their bodies wouldn’t be able to handle stress of not only having that much magic but having to deal with diseases of the elderly.

However, it did give Twilight a newfound appreciation of what the elderly ponies of the resident retirement home had to deal with when they had to make that decision of living at home or in an assisted facility.

Cursed

“Well this sounds delightfully vague!” said Discord cheerfully. “How does one get cursed to death?”

“ A series of increasingly unfortunate misfortunes?” Spike offered helpfully. “Maybe it means bad luck leading to circumstances that lead to death?”

“Is there a curse that can actually kill ponies?” Starlight wondered aloud, on her own train of thought. “I feel like given the number of spells we’ve got, somepony’s bound to have come up with a curse to kill another pony.” Her eyes narrowed. “Especially during the pre-Equestrian period.”

“It’s definitely something to look into,” Twilight agreed. “I can’t really think of any other way that being cursed could directly lead to my death unless there’s a killing curse.”

“Found it!” Twilight announced triumphantly. She, Starlight, and Spike were in the Canterlot Archives restricted section specifically intended for dark magic. “But the curse is considered Unforgivable and its use on a living creature means a one-way ticket to Tartarus.”

“And we already know how Tartarus can drive its prisoners mad,” Spike nodded. “Tirek comes to mind.”

“Right,” Twilight nodded. “We’re going to need to do this by the books.” Spike and Starlight wisely ignored the dribbling drool coming from the corner of Twilight’s mouth at the thought of books.

“Should we let the other princesses know?” It seemed like as good a start as any. Twilight slipped the book on the killing curse into her saddlebags before leading her friends out of the archives.

Princess Celestia was unsurprised when she learned that Twilight intended to use the killing curse. She had, of course, stipulated that after conducting sufficient testing, the tomb by which the magic learned would promptly be returned and placed under even more enchantments as not to encourage potential unicorn assassins to its existence. There’s also the bit of wiping everybody’s memories after the curse was cast. Twilight had readily agreed and had, for once, surprised both herself and Celestia by offering to destroy the book in addition to wiping memories for all parties involved. Celestia quickly allayed her student’s concerns. The book’s destruction would not be necessary.

It required translation from the original ponish, a feat only possibly by Twilight herself and Sunburst, as no one else had any interest in learning the original ponish when there were modern translation for everything relevant. It was common knowledge that Sunburst didn’t possess the magical prowess to use the powerful magic that he’d studied his whole life.

Still, as Twilight intended to teach the spell to Starlight, much to her student’s protests, she had needed and earned Celestia’s blessing to learn and use the spell. Naturally, her student’s memory of this experience would be wiped away when it was all said and done. Starlight was already considered an accessory to Twilight’s death to say nothing of the many times she’d been directly responsible for it.

Twilight had added her own enchantments before diving through the pages. It was dry work but if anybody could do it, Twilight could.

“Alright,” Twilight called, nodding to a grumbling Starlight. “Ready!”

“Ready,” Starlight nodded. She was more than ready to get this over with and have her memory wiped. Spike sat dutifully off to the side, a quill in hand. With a nod as her prompt, Starlight charged her horn channeling her magic to do what she needed it to do.

Twilight did nothing to try to defend herself not like she could with her magic sealed. Still, everyone present watched as the sickly green spell flew closer and closer… only to dissipate on contact. Twilight stared at where the spell had gotten close to making contact and then stared at Starlight. Her eyes darted between the two several more times before she could respond appropriately.

“Are you sure you cast that spell correctly?” Twilight asked her pupil. “You weren’t thinking of anything else?”

Starlight shifted guiltily. “I didn’t want to kill you Twilight. You’re too important to me to make me want to kill you. That how that curse works. Without that intent, it took nearly every ounce of power I had to produce the spell at all much less actually get it to you.”

“I’m pleased to hear that you care that much about me,” Twilight murmured, raising Starlight’s head to stare into her eyes. Starlight’s legs felt like jelly as she felt the fully intensity of Twilight’s gaze. “So here’s what we’ll do instead: I will cast the spell, while you aim it for me. Is that fair?”

Starlight sighed as they undid the seal on her magic. She shouldn’t have been surprised by her teacher’s solution but it still felt unsettling as she felt the dark magic that Twilight conjured to kill sifted through Starlight’s horn. She could feel the raw killing intent in that magic and it was all Starlight could do to stop from misfiring it. Starlight let the magic fly and everyone watched in morbid fascination as it forced Twilight back several feet coupled with a loud bang.

Once the smoke cleared, they could see Twilight on her hooves, her mane dishevelled but largely unharmed.

“Well,” she replied casually. “That was an unpleasant experience.” She turned to Starlight and the look said everything Starlight needed and dreaded to know.

“Fine,” she sighed reluctantly. She spared a pointed glare at Spike who’d been too busy scribbling on a roll of parchment to notice.

“I hate this,” Starlight growled as she felt her head move toward her target for what felt like the 100th time that day. Twilight didn’t deign to reply as she heard another bang and the characteristic skidding sound of an alicorn sliding back several feet, still largely unharmed though more than a little winded.

“Think that’s enough to confirm it?” Spike asked Starlight.

“It’d better be,” Starlight hissed. “Heads are going to roll otherwise…”

“Where was that attitude when we first found the curse?” Spike couldn’t help but quip. Her responding glare had his mouth shut faster than Pinkie could set up a party.

“Okay!” Twilight chirped. “So we can now safely say that after this many iterations and knowing that I’ve cast the curse perfectly, I’m not going to die by killing curse!”

“That’s great!” Starlight genuinely tried to inject some enthusiasm at her teacher’s approximation. “Can I get my memory wiped now? I think I’d rather not remember this or learning the killing curse.”

“Fine,” Twilight agreed. She charged her horn and all Starlight knew was bliss.

Alicorn Hoof Punches

Twilight stared down at the list and then looked up at her compatriots.

“We’re going to need to call the others if we want to make this work,” Twilight told them. “I have a few ideas that could make this at least boring if you’d like to hear them.”

“It can be any more insane than anything we’ve already tried,” Starlight pointed out. “We’re already up to sixty something methods tested, aren’t we?”

“More importantly, aren’t we in first place for number of methods tested, and pretty thoroughly at that?” Spike added thoughtfully.

“You’re right and we are,” Twilight answered both questions simultaneously. “So here’s my idea.”

Discord, Starlight, and Spike stared at her as she laid out her surprisingly simple plan. Each face expressed a very different reaction: delighted, horrified, and just downright scared. Twilight then went on to inform that she already contacted the other princesses and that it was only a matter of time before they replied either way.

“Thanks for coming everyone!” Twilight chirped as the other three princesses walked sedately into her throne room.

“It’s not a problem, Twilight,” Cadance smiled, “but what did you call us here for? Surely not another method of killing yourself.”

“That exactly why I called you here,” Twilight grinned. “I’ve run into one that requires us all working to, in a sense, work together.”

“And pray tell, what method would this be?” Luna asked, interested.

“Alicorns punching each other,” Twilight replied.

The three princesses stared at each other curiously. In truth, none of them had ever tested just how much stronger they were compared to their earth pony constituency. They knew that they were at least as strong as if not stronger than most given Twilight’s ability to survive a fall at terminal velocity in a needle like orientation.

It was Celestia who broke the silence first.

“And how do you suppose we handle this?” Celestia knew it was obvious she felt it her obligation to ask on the off chance that she was wrong.

“By punching each other of course,” said Twilight earnestly. “I mean, I don’t mind starting with a force plate just to gauge where we stand but since all my experiments have yet to indicate an upper limit on my physical endurance especially when it comes to any form of trauma, I figured that it would be a useless endeavor. Has it been the same for any of you?”

“From what we’ve tested so far, yes, it has,” Cadance nodded. “But this sounds like the whole unstoppable force vs impenetrable object sort of conundrum.”

“To some extent, it is,” Twilight agreed. “But I think it’d be an interesting thought experiment to try punching each other to see if anything would happen.”

“Also,” Discord’s voice echoed through the antechamber that had since been turned into an arena. “I’ve sealed all the exits along with your magic so that you have no choice but to compete if you want to get out of here.”

Cadance, Luna, and Celestia immediately made to channel their own magic but all they got for their efforts were several fart sounds emitting from their horn. The fact that the arena was big and allowed for an echo meant the sound came as though several ponies had farted.

Spike, who’d been sitting in the stands next Starlight who was nursing a large bucket of popcorn, grinned guiltily at having enjoyed that little byplay.

The other three princesses resigned themselves to a duel to the finish. Whatever that meant…

“Wait! Wait! Wait!” Discord interrupted charging into the ring as the four alicorns looked ready to charge at each other. They’d all noticed that he’d changed into a black and white striped shirt and black hat, glaring at them.

“I can’t just have you charge at each other! I’ve already set up a tourney!” He produced a whiteboard from nowhere and the four princesses turned to stare at the match ups. Celestia frowned. She wasn’t sure how she felt about having to fight her adopted niece. She then reflected on this for several seconds before heaving a sigh. She’d already fought her sister and held no desire to fight her again and truth be told, she wasn’t keen on fighting her former student either. Still, Celestia would later reflect, it would probably be for the best to test Cadance to see how well she was handling the Crystal Empire.

Luna and Twilight stared at each other for several seconds before exchanging a single nod. There were no words that needed to be said. All of this would be done in the name of learning about alicorns. There would be no mention of previous encounters with Nightmare or evil versions of themselves dueling each other.

“So who wants to go first?” Cadance asked, looking between her aunts and sister in law.

“I think it best if Twilight Sparkle and I go first, niece,” Luna nodded. Twilight gave nod of agreement as she tried to remind herself that they weren’t actually going to fight. They would each get a few blows at each other and then step out of the ring.

Still, it didn’t help that there was a roaring crowd to greet her. When she looked around she saw ponies upon ponies jumping up and down. They may have agreed to punch one another but they had certainly not agreed to do so in front of a crowd. She and an equally furious Luna sans royal vestments rounded on Discord who raised both limbs in surrender.

“I had nothing to do with it,” he said, grinning at them that clearly told them otherwise.

“Whoops!” Spike’s voice could be heard. “I didn’t realize there was a remote that did that! Sorry!”

Twilight and Luna stared as Spike raised a remote, pressed a button and the crowd disappeared in a flash of light. To their relief, the crowd was gone.

“You first, Princess,” Twilight said to Luna.

Luna reared a foreleg back and slammed it into Twilight’s face.

POW.

“Did anything happen?” Twilight asked. “I didn’t feel anything.”

“No,” Luna shook her head. “Your visage has not been disfigured as a result of my blow and I put everything I had into that one.”

“Shall I give it a try then?” Twilight suggested. “We can take turns and at least make it amusing for Spike and Starlight.” They glanced over at the pair. Spike was taking notes while Starlight was dutifully dictating everything that was happening including their conversation.
“I can work with that,” Luna agreed. “I do not know how amusing they will find it if they’re too busy with note taking however.”

So it began.

Starlight had never seen an odder sight in her admittedly short life. She watched in morbid fascination as she dictated every detail she saw to the dragon whose snout was buried in parchment as Twilight and Luna took turns punching and later bucking each other across the ring. It would have all been very violent looking had it been for the lack of blood or visible injuries on either princess’s face. As is stood presently, both princesses were winded but otherwise unharmed.

“So in conclusion,” Starlight mumbled to Spike as he scribbled across the parchment. “Princess punching has appeared to be largely painless when punching each other. It can be noted that when princesses punch each other, a squeak can sometimes be heard upon contact. It is not known where this sound originates. More tests will need to be conducted before a definitive conclusion can be reached.”

“Got it!” Spike said cheerfully but paused as he stared at his notes. “I spelled all of these words right, right?”

Starlight took the scroll from him and stared at it. It was largely accurate but she’d noticed a few misspelled words along the way. A surreptitious burst of magic corrected those and, with an innocent smile, she passed it back to Spike. “Yes, Spike. It was very good work.”

“Thanks!”

“I can’t say I’ve seen anything quite like this before,” Luna admitted as she and Twilight took their seats to watch the second of two matches between their fellow alicorn princesses.

“You mean the concept of wrestling?” Twilight asked keenly.

“No, I mean the concept of Celestia fighting without magic,” Luna shook her head. “I have done it often enough that it is not quite so strange to see me facing off against some nameless enemy with or without magic. But as you saw when I became Nightmare Moon, Celestia did not fight me until she used the elements of harmony to banish me to the moon. It will be interesting to see if she has improved any.”

Twilight leaned forward as well. She’d never seen her mentor get into any fights before. Such things just didn’t happen when you ruled all Equestria on your own. No one was stupid or lacked self preservation enough to try. Plus, given that Celestia was the tallest (read: biggest) pony in all Equestria, most ponies likely wouldn’t fair well against her, not taking her magic into account.

“Are you ready bloodsports fans!” Discord could be heard commentating using the ring’s PA system. “ ‘Cause it’s slaughterhouse time!”

Celestia snorted a laugh while Cadance rolled her eyes.

“I wish he didn’t say it like that,” Starlight shook her head. “It makes it sound more violent than it’s going to be if the last match taught us anything.”

“Do you think the squeaking will be louder this time?” Spike asked. He and Starlight stared down at Cadance and Celestia who’d just climbed into the ring to face each other.

“I don’t know,” Starlight shrugged. “Maybe?”

“Aunt Celestia, I just want to say that I hope that our relationship isn’t adversely affected as a result of what happens in this,” she cleared her throat, “fight.”

“I’m not particularly concerned about any changes in our relationship, adverse and otherwise,” Celestia replied. “That said, do you have a preference whether you would like to strike first?”

“Not really,” Cadance admitted. “We can do things however you want.”

Celestia nodded. She reared back a hoof and with all the force her impressive stature could muster. Her hoof shot forward like a bullet and Cadance flinched has she felt Celestia hoof strike. To her amazement, however, she hadn’t felt the slightest bit of pain but she was more than a little confused where that squeak had come from.

“Huh,” Cadance uttered. “Somehow, I know I shouldn’t be surprised but I can’t but still be surprised that I wasn’t sent flying out of the ring.”

“I don’t think you’re giving yourself enough credit, dear niece,” Celestia shook her head, a faint smile on her muzzle. “I put my all into that blow and that’s plenty sufficient to send most of my adversaries flying across the castle.” She paused. “Granted, I haven’t had to do that in many centuries. Perhaps I should start? It doesn’t seem fair that the guards get to keep the interesting affairs to themselves while I have to deal with the boring bureaucrats.”

“You could always do what I do and, when the mood strikes you, persuade a changling to take your place for a couple hours while disguising yourself as a guard,” Cadance offered. “At least that’s what Shining and I did when Thorax lived with us. Shining helped out on those days so that I could shake things up with the crystal ponies.”
“I’m afraid that option is quite closed to me, dear niece,” said Celestia, stiffling her giggling fit with a wing. “But I fear we’re getting off track, I believe it was your turn to punch me.”

“Right,” Cadance agreed, mimicking her aunt while mustering her full might. Much like the Princess of the Sun, Cadance was awarded with a loud squeak when her hoof met Celestia’s chest.

This went on back and forth and for several minutes.

Luna was nodding approvingly with Celestia’s technique. It couldn’t be plainer that Celestia had been practicing her technique since the last time they’d fought. She’d have to make a mental note on asking her where she’d learn. Luna was still a little out of practice and was more than eager to have a partner if nothing else.

“It seems the pattern discussed earlier,” she heard Starlight mutter to an attentive Spike who was dutifully documenting everything, “is consistent between all alicorns regardless of who is dealing the blow. It is important to note, however, that this phenomenon only seems to arise when alicorns strike each other and has failed to arise in instances when they impact anything else.”

Luna peaked over Spike shoulder as he scribbled everything Starlight said down on the roll of parchment. Slightly unnerved by Spike’s ability to keep up Starlight’s quickening talking pace, she turned back to look as Celestia and Cadance stumbled out of the ring, each breathing heavily. It seemed that they’d both had gotten more aggressive as they continued but no matter how closely one looked, there wasn’t a sign that they had done anything more than a moderately intense workout if the sweat was any indication.

In the interests of being thorough, they had all switched up partners several times to see if anything might change as a result of the switch.

To the surprise of no one, they did not. It had been a strange experience for Twilight most of all who’d had a difficult time punching Celestia. Not because of any perceived admiration on Twilight’s part. Celestia had long since broken her of that after, particularly following her ascension. No, it was an issue of Celestia being so much taller than Twilight that she’d actually had to glide into her punch. Not that it actually made any difference, granted.

“I’ll spare the preamble I had planned and just say that after conducting all the tests we do after each experiment,” Discord started. “It seems that if you all happened to go evil and try to take over the world, the others would still be able to stand against you and take anything you could throw and possibly give back with interest.”

“I suppose that’s comforting,” Celestia nodded. “Knowing that such a failsafe is in place should one of us falls.” She wisely decided not to bring up the probability that they all fell to their inner darkness.

“I thank you all for the ever enjoyable afternoon and bid you good day,” Discord said, and with a snap of his fingers, the arena was gone and the other princesses had been teleported back to their respective homes.

“I’m not going to lie,” Twilight began as Spike crossed ‘Alicorn-hoof punches’ off their list. “There’s something cathartic about punching a princess that you just can’t get from punching a fellow pony. Assault charges aside, I mean.”

“I’m glad you had fun though, for what that’s worth,” Starlight offered. “Maybe you can arrange something like this again in the future?”

“Great idea!”

Quicksand

“Does Equestria have any places that even have quicksand?” Starlight wondered, looking up from their list.

“Don’t be ridiculous, of course we do! Froggy Bottom Bog comes to mind as a place we could test this one.” Twilight replied. “Besides, even if we didn’t, Discord could fix that with snap of his fingers!”

“I really could,” said Discord lazily as he drifted past.

“Is that hydra still there though?” Spike asked. “We’ll need to, ahem, relocate it so it doesn’t mess with our experiment.”

Discord had been quick to remind them that he had long since commandeered the hydra for his little circus in Chaosville. They remembered all too well the many instances of testing whether Twilight could have died from being torn to pieces by all manner of rampaging animals. To the relative surprise of all parties involved, it depends.

Now all that needed to be done was some basic repelling wards for the day and to repurpose the bog to make it act more likely quicksand rather than the bog it had once been. It simply wouldn’t do if someone stumbled on them while they were testing whether Twilight would be able to withstand quicksand or any of its variations.

“At least we don’t have to worry about the hydra anymore,” Twilight remarked as she, Starlight and Discord warded the area. Though it was a largely unnecessary endeavor, they knew that Fluttershy liked to bring her frogs by so they could spend some time in the swamp. It had been a close thing too since they had spotted Fluttershy flying above them on her way back to her cottage. What she’d been doing there was anybody’s guess.

“Would you call this quicksand, Twilight?” Spike asked, prodding the deemed quick stand with a stick. That stick now stuck in the quicksand and no amount of pulling from Spike and, after a little persuasion, Starlight, could pull it out.

“Well,” Twilight said, smirking, “I’d say so. Judging by the fact that neither of you can pull that stick out of there.”

“Are you ready?” Starlight couldn’t help but ask.

“As ready as I’m going to be,” Twilight agreed. Without a moment’s fanfare, she stepped into the quicksand and quickly found herself neck deep in the stuff. She very quickly found herself bored. She couldn’t move much, her magic had been sealed and no matter how hard she flapped her wings, she wasn’t getting any closer to escaping.

“How is this supposed to kill me, exactly?” Twilight asked, looking over at her friends. “The worst that this is doing is just making it slightly more difficult to breath.”

“In every comic I’ve read, quicksand seems to drag the bad guys down into its depths, never to be heard from again,” Spike offered. “I mean, clearly that’s not going to work since we’ve been here for, what, 15 minutes now and you’re still at the level you were when you first hopped in.”

“I guess that’s what we get for thinking quicksand works the same way in comics as it would in real life,” Starlight shook her head, faintly amused. “I mean, if you really want it to kill you, you could fully submerge yourself in it. We already know that drowning will kill you. It was one of the first methods we tested. In most cases, its usually exposure that ends up killing ponies who get caught in the stuff.”

“So much for thinking that quicksand itself being deadly,” Twilight grumbled. “Thankfully, I have a strategy for getting out.”

“So is this your way of saying that quicksand is out?” Spike asked.

“Yes, Spike,” Twilight agreed. “I mean, we already know that quicksand itself won’t kill me since I’ve been it for quite a while as she continued to slowly wade horizontally back to the shoreline. Plus, we can’t isolate anyway for quicksand in the real world to be able to kill me without other contributing factors that we’d have to isolate for.”

“Sounds good to me!” said Spike cheerfully, crossing it off his list.

Voodoo

“I’ve only heard of this in fiction and obscure legends,” said Twilight, looking up from the list thoughtfully.

“What may be fiction or obscure legend for you is everyday business for me,” Discord pointed out, conjuring a voodoo doll of Twilight and nudged it with a finger.

Twilight blinked as she felt someone nudge her on the flank. Turning, she found nothing there. She looked at the doll to her flank and back again. Discord, just to prove his point, continued prodding her in the flank. Twilight had to suppress the urge to jump at every poke or prod around her flanks. While the multiple iterations had convinced her that voodoo magic was real, she could only guess.

“Well how are you going to kill me with that?” Twilight couldn’t help but ask. “I mean from little information there is about voodoo is that it can only be used to cause pain - not necessarily kill someone, right?”

“Well, I don’t know either. Maybe the pain can kill you?” Discord shrugged. “Either way, I guess we’ll get to find out, right? Besides, we already know a curse specifically designed to kill doesn’t work on alicorns anyway.”

“Fair enough.”

It had taken Discord an indeterminate period of time to make his voodoo doll which he presented proudly to his compatriots. He started eagerly demonstrating by poking and prodding her everywhere. Very few places were spared from Discord ticklish assault as Twilight found herself laughing on the floor.

Meanwhile, Pinkie Pie could be bouncing happily in the direction of Sugarcube Corner to prepare more baked goods. She paused briefly to stare in the direction of Twilight’s castle. She’d considered dropping in to pay her alicorn friend a visit. It was sounding like an increasingly good idea the more time passed. Still, she looked between Sugarcube Corner and the direction of Twilight’s castle.

“Pinkie! Hurry up! We can’t keep up with the orders!” She could hear Mrs. Cake’s desparate plea from inside the bakery.

“Coming!” Pinkie bounced inside, thoughts of Twilight’s castle banished from her mind in favor or sweet sweet baking goodness.

Besides, Twilight managed this long without her, surely she’d be able to last a little longer, right?

“Okay, you’ve proven your point!” Twilight huffed, catching her breath after her seemingly never ending laughing fit. “Voodoo exists!”

“I’m glad you’ve finally accepted it,” said Discord, nodding approvingly. “Now, shall I kill you by attempting to kill this doll?”

“Sure,” said Twilight. “Try stabbing me through the heart with it, see if that works.”

Discord agreed and with a sharpened talon, he pushed through the figure with as much force as he could muster. Twilight gasped in pain and to everybody’s surprise, a proportionally sized wound appeared on Twilight. Discord pushed further into the doll and Twilight slumped forward. The absence of a pulse, heart or breathing rate, and neurological response was enough to declare her dead.

Thankfully, their angel friend descended from wherever she’d been previously. She took one look at the scene and stared at the doll in Discord’s hand. Shaking her head incredulously, she set to work and before long, Twilight had returned.

“I think,” she said, staring at the doll with a manic gleam, “we’re going to have many new uses for that doll. She looked at Discord, do you think you can make more of some others?”

“Sure,” Discord agreed readily. “But it’ll have to wait until after we’ve had enough repeats.”

“Of course,” Twilight replied quickly.

“You know,” said Twilight after their nth iteration of dying by voodoo magic, “I don’t think I’ve been in this much pain at any point up until now during testing. I’m pretty sure every other method has been relatively quick and painless.”

“I’m sure you’d rather happily forego this experience and not wish it on anyone else?” Spike offered.

“You’re right about happily foregoing this experience,” Twilight agreed. “But I like the idea of being able to smite my enemies with this and they wouldn’t have a clue!”

“That’s not normal behavior from you, Twilight,” Starlight pointed out. “Kind of goes against everything you’ve been teaching me.”

“You’re right,” Twilight nodded. “That’s why I’m pretty sure Discord didn’t take me seriously when I told him I wanted more of them.”

“Wait really?” He hung his head in disappoint, in his hand was a newly finished Tirek doll. “I spent all this time working on him too!” He grumbled as he squeezed the Tirek doll tightly, he look of abject fury etched on his face.

“Sorry Discord…”

Meanwhile in Tartarus, Tirek felt several ribs snap with a sickening crunch.

He howled in pain as he slumped to the ground, screaming in what would be a vain attempt at pain alleviation while trying not to cough up blood. Cerberus, hearing the screams, did the sensible thing and barked loudly in the direction of the screams. After all, in Tartarus, no one would hear his screams…

“I’m over it,” Discord announced as Spike crossed voodoo of the list.

Organ failure

“How are we supposed to test organ failure if we’ve yet to break my skin with anything other than orichalcum?” Twilight asked. “I mean, some form of surgery seems like the most obvious way to induce organ failure.”

“You’d be surprised,” Spike remarked. “I mean. “If we have you take a dangerous combination of medications, it could lead to liver or splenic rupture.”

“I’d go with splenic rupture, Twilight,” Starlight added. “It has a much higher mortality rate plus it would actually be pretty easy to get one going.”

“How would we do that?” Twilight asked, curiosity getting the better of her.

“We get your blood to clot excessively while forcing your body to produce more blood cells before it exhausts its supply. Basically the RBCs are going to lose their iron and be sent to the spleen for destruction,” Starlight replied simply. “Your spleen would be dealing with the influx and since your bone marrow is going to be working overtime to make up the difference, your spleen’s only going to get bigger to the point of rupture and the subsequent hemorrhage would probably kill you.”

“Great! So how do we make this happen fast?”

“Twilight, I’m going to level with you, this seems like a genuinely terrible idea for any sane pony to be going through with,” Spike couldn’t help but snark. Twilight shrugged as she held small pills for clotting factors, a blood thinner, and a special drug that would activate EPO to increase blood formation. Naturally, in the interests of time, both had been magically modified to work faster than normal.

“I’m ready when you are!” Spike announced from his stool, quill at the ready. Twilight nodded and downed all three tablets and promptly swallowing a gulp of water right afterward.

The effect was instantaneously. Twilights legs began to swell rather like a balloon. She grimaced in pain and then the loss of sensation. She could feel the feeling return before long but felt the blood thinner working hard to get blood to her limbs. She could feel the weakness overtaking her as her bone marrow worked overtime to keep her blood supply up.

Even still, she could feel the pain in her abdomen intensify. When had that happened? Twilight wondered as she slumped to the ground. Starlight watched, eyes wide as dinner plates as her abdomen, much like her legs, rapidly expanded.

“Why did we have to start doing painful ones!” Twilight wailed, clutching her torso in a feeble attempt at pain alleviation. “This isn’t remotely amusing now! Let it end!”

As though to grant her wish, her spleen had pushed against her rib cage just a little too hard and the resulting shock had death following in short order. All three of them stared at the body. Spike was the first to muster a modicum of courage and approach Twilight. A quick exam confirmed her death and that her spleen had ruptured. He’d felt it before but now he couldn’t.

Just then, the angel had descended down upon them. Even after the numerous iterations of seeing this, it never failed to make them feel marginally less terrible about what had happened. She’d taken one look at the situation, shook head head and went work, as angels often do.

When Twilight had returned and the angel had gone. She couldn’t help but weep in abject terror for the numerous iterations that were to follow. No matter the amount of begging, Twilight would not find reprieve. The scientific method demanded repetitions to verify for consistency. Inconsistent data wouldn’t be tolerated, after all.

“Thank Celestia that’s finally over,” Twilight breathed a sigh of sweet relief as she was revived for the nth time.

“Yeah,” Starlight nodded. “Splenic ruptures can kill you. Who’d have thought? Still, at least we made sure the spells we used couldn’t be replicated.” By which, Starlight had meant that she and Discord had set them on fire and then banished that fire to a dungeon in the place where the fire had been banished to.

Painkiller Overdose

“This seems pretty simple,” Twilight remarked. “All I’d need is morphine and lots of it and probably make it worse as quickly as possible. Hopefully I can avoid any pain that might be associated with this.”

“Would there even be any pain?” Starlight wondered. “I mean, you’re taking drugs that are supposed stop the pain so how would that even happen in the first place?”

“Given what we’ve been up to recently, I’m not taking any chances,” said Twilight darkly. “Still, getting these kinds of drugs shouldn’t be too hard.”

“It’s a good thing I stocked up on lots of every kind of medication when we moved in here!” Spike announced cheerfully, a white metal box with a red cross sign on the front.

“Why?” Starlight asked incredulously. Spike stared at her.

“Given the situations that happen in Ponyville on a regularly basis, stocking up seemed like the logical thing to do,” he said finally, “and that’s not taking into account the experiments Twilight runs in the castle.” He grumbled under his breath. “I keep telling her to get better ventilation installed but does she listen? Nooooo.” He shook his head and popped the lid up, rummaging through the contents for a few seconds before letting out a triumphant whoop and raised his prize for all to see.

It was a plain orange bottle with the label ‘Morphine’ on it.

“It was a pain to get a hold of this one let me tell you,” said Spike conversationally, passing her a bottle of water along with the pills. “I ended up having to pull Twilight’s rank to get the doctors to give them to me.”

Twilight hadn’t paid the slightest bit of attention to what Spike had said and downed both bottles’ contents in one go.

Starlight had a notepad in her magic right away, documenting Twilight acute onset symptoms as she slumped to the floor, holding her head in her hooves, her speech slurred and clutching her head in her forelegs.

The closest comparison that either of them could come up with was that time when they’d all drunk themselves into a stupor after a particularly successful adventure. Spike had had the dubious pleasure of escorting each back to their respective homes (Rainbow Dash had been unceremoniously dropped in one of the castle’s many guest rooms). He still grinned fondly at how tightly Rarity clung to him and how much coaxing it took for her to finally let him go.

Things only got worse for Twilight has she tried to massage her head with a single hoof while the other moved to her stomach. It was, at best, a token effort for all the good that it did. Her moans soon evolved to shrieks of pain. Starlight, fortunately, had enough presence of mind to cast a bubble of silence. It wouldn’t do to have their mutual friends bursting through the door, demanding answers.

Still, at least Twilight didn’t have to suffer for much longer as her head hit the ground with on unceremonious thunk.

Starlight opened her eyes a fraction before dispelling her bubble and checking on her teacher. A quick once over of Twilight’s rapidly cooling corpse confirmed that she was indeed dead.

“I need to make sure that I ask her about everything she felt once she’s revived,” Starlight muttered as Spike went off in search of more morphine. She watched the angel work her magic and revive her teacher. Once the angel had vanished, Starlight helped a woozy Twilight to her hooves. Snatching the abandoned quill, ink bottle and notes, Starlight proceeded to aggressively interrogate Twilight about her symptoms, doing her best to scribble everything down as Twilight rattled off her symptoms one by one, in excruciating detail.

Starlight looked down at the barely legible scribbles that she’d called her notes. She heaved a sigh. Time to go look up a spell to make this more presentable…

“Ready for another round, Twilight?” Spike asked, holding out another bottle. Twilight looked miserable. Spike couldn’t blame her and he supposed it was a friendly PSA. Just the look on Twilight’s face had given Spike more than enough reason not consider using the medication himself.

“This is the last time I’m doing this ever,” Twilight muttered, raising the bottle to her lips.

“Just as well, I think I only have one more bottle of the stuff left and I’m pretty sure I’ve been blacklisted from most healthcare facilities for the amount of them I’ve demanded.”

“Thank Celestia for that,” Twilight sighed as she felt the familiar headache and loss of concentration kick in again.

“Nooooo,” Twilight moaned as she clutched her head and slumped to the floor and very slowly curled into the fetal position.

Spike stared for several seconds before saying while writing out his own observations. “At least we didn’t have to give it rectally.” Thank Celestia for that. He blinked as she burst out in a nasty looking rash. That was new.

“Never again,” Twilight stated firmly following her death and subsequent revival. “I’m never using pain medication ever again. I’ll just ask Zecora if she has any techniques to deal with pain or go to the spa.”

“I’m surprised your liver doesn’t hate you for doing that so many times,” Spike remarked as he tossed away the numerous bottles of morphine that had been left lying around. “Plus, I’ve heard the symptoms are worse if you’d drunk alcohol instead of water.”

Twilight shivered involuntarily at the thought. “That said, we’re striking that one off the list.”

“Already taken care of.”