I didn’t want to wake up.

Reality and horrible, horrible life came crashing through the peaceful void I’d given myself to. Dim lights seemed as harsh as the sun when I opened my eyes, and when I tried to move, my muscles screamed in agony. My head swam with the slightest movement, and I felt like I was trying to breathe through a collapsed windpipe. Which, considering that I just survived being hanged, wasn’t too surprising.

As soon as I remembered that, everything else came storming back to me. The assault on the dam. Freeing the slaves. Killing Carrion. Losing… losing Zip. How she died in my hooves. How I tried to avenge her by killing Yeoman. How he almost killed me instead. How he should have killed me instead.

If there had been a gun or a knife or something next to me, I might have killed myself then. The agony that ripped my heart open was too fresh, too painful. Yeoman had stolen Zip from me, and I wanted nothing more than to follow her into the afterlife. Fuck, there wasn’t anything I wouldn’t have given just to have her by my side right now, smiling, happy that this was all over. If only I could’ve been the one to take the bullet for her instead of the other way around. She was one of the Sentinels’ leaders. She was an important and happy and charismatic pony. I was just a foul-mouthed machinist. I regularly got herself in over my head. I got ponies around me killed. It should have been me, not her.

Groaning, I tried to sit up, and I felt fresh pain in my left side. Wincing, I placed my hoof over the wound, but instead of a hole and shredded flesh, I felt clean bandages firmly wrapped against my side. Apparently somepony had taken care of me after they cut me loose. I poked around my neck, just under my jaw, and winced at each touch. I probably had big bruises and welts there. It would explain why it felt difficult to breathe.

I looked around myself. I was sitting in a cot in some open building with a lot of floor space. Lots of other ponies and griffons lied on cots of their own, some of them whimpering, some of them out cold, and others just chatting with their neighbors. A few figures wandered between the cots, stopping occasionally to dress wounds or offer a few consoling words with a wounded pony. I recognized Hoana and her medical bags near the middle of the room; she seemed to be focusing on the members of her flock, and she whistled a cheerful and soothing melody as she worked.

The mere idea of happiness after all this made me sick to my stomach.

My cot creaked as I slid toward the edge, and I heard movement by the near wall. Craning my neck, I saw Nova snort once and begin to stir from a nap. Moaning, she rubbed at her bloodshot eyes and blinked away the last shreds of her rest before her bleary teal orbs focused on me. “You’re up?” she asked, still half-asleep. Then, blinking, her usual bright smile appeared on her muzzle. “Y-You’re up! Oh my goodness. Thank the stars!” She scrambled off of the chair she’d been resting in and tripped all the way to my side on her weak legs. Practically throwing her forelegs and wings around me, she laughed in pure joy and nuzzled my neck. “We thought we’d lost you! Gauge saw you fighting that other pegasus from the tower, and he ran to get help as fast as he could. By the time he got to you, you were hanging from a rope, and you weren’t moving…”

She shuddered and pressed her head against my cheek. “You lost a lot of blood from that bullet in your side, but they were able to get it out and patch you up. Thankfully you’d only just blacked out when we got to you. If Gauge was a minute later, well…”

Her words trailed off, and she slowly leaned back to look at me. “Ember? Are you alr—w-what’s wrong?”

Everything. Everything was wrong. But how could I tell her that? She couldn’t understand. She didn’t know what I was fucking going through. Even sitting here with her, feeling feathers around my shoulders and her nuzzling my cheek, reminded me of what I lost. I was never going to feel Zip’s wings around me. I was never going to hold her close again and stroke her orange cheeks. I was never going to hear her voice or blush at her raunchy remarks. She was gone. Gone, and all I had left of her were memories. Memories, and nothing more.

I gently but firmly pushed Nova away and stood up. The poor mare blinked in confusion when I stormed past her, and I heard her hooves clopping on the floor after me. “Ember? Ember! Where are you… Y-You’re not supposed to be out of the infirmary yet!” I heard her wings flutter, but after a grunt and a gasp, she just galloped in front of me and blocked the doorway. “Ember, what happened?” Nova asked me, eyes glistening. “Tell me! Please! P-Please, I want to help!”

I only stopped for a second before I shouldered her out of the way. “Leave me alone,” I growled as I stormed past her. If I was an earth pony, I’m pretty sure my hooves would’ve been cracking the concrete underneath them. Still, I left the white mare standing in the doorway, stunned, as I walked away from her.

The storm had let up since I blacked out. The ground was wet and the air was moist like it’d just finished raining, but the wind had died down to almost nothing. Around me, I saw a few ponies moving with a strange mix of excitement and sadness. Excited that we’d defied the odds and won. Excited that their friends and family were free. Excited that Carrion was dead. But sad because some many ponies died to do it. So many ponies they knew—that I knew too—who’d died. In the middle of the dam, the bodies had been neatly laid in rows and covered in tarps. There had to be more than a hundred of them. Add to that the wounded in the makeshift infirmary I just escaped, and the mission had to have a fifty percent casualty rate.

Two hundred dead or wounded, but only one I cared about.

I heard Nova’s hooves following me, and I tried to fight down the urge to scream at her and chase her away. Maybe if I just ignored her she’d get the hint and fuck off. Unfortunately, that didn’t seem like it was going to happen anytime soon, because coming from the other direction was Gauge with a few trays of food balanced on his back. The zebra and his drone momentarily slowed in their tracks when they saw me, but he quickly broke into a trot and made his way to my side. “I knew you’d be up before too long,” he said, smiling at me. “A little strangulation wasn’t going to keep you down, eh?” He lightly punched my shoulder, trying to get me to play along, but I wasn’t having any of it. Not now.

My horn flared to life and I forcefully shoved him away from me. I heard SCaR squawk some sort of warning tone, but if the drone had gotten near me, I probably would have flung it away too. Gritting my teeth, I marched onward, leaving Gauge and Nova to follow at a worried distance.

“What happened?” I heard Gauge whisper behind me.

“I don’t know,” Nova said. “She just woke up and she was like this.”

I took a deep breath and tried to stop grinding my teeth against each other.

“Did something happen down there? Maybe—oh no.”

“Oh no? ‘Oh no’ what?”

Breathe, Ember. I sped up my plodding walk into a slow canter.

“You haven’t seen Zip, have you?”

“Zip? Oh, she was the orange pegasus, right?”

“Yeah. She wasn’t in the infirmary?”

“Not that I could tell.” I heard Nova make a sudden gasp of realization. “You don’t think—?”

I couldn’t take it anymore. Stomping my hoof into the ground, I spun around and fixed the two of them with a death stare. “They fucking killed her, alright?!” I screamed at them, my voice cracking into ragged tatters. “She died! She fucking died in my fucking forelegs! They took her from me, and now I’ll never see her again! Never! Don’t you fucking understand?!” Baring my teeth just to try to fight back the tears welling up in my eyes, I leered into their faces and made them stumble back a step or two. “So leave me be! Fucking leave me alone!”

Gauge and Nova blinked, stunned at my outburst. Good. Maybe they’d leave me alone now. But instead, Gauge took a step closer and reached for me. “Ember… I’m so sorry… I didn’t know…”

I swatted his hoof away and jabbed my own into his chest. “It could’ve been you, Gauge!” I screamed at him. “If we hadn’t come here, Zip would still be alive! But you’re the one who gets to live another day with your marefriend! Not me! Not fucking me!” The rage and misery boiling over inside of me finally broke the whole thing altogether. “So you two go fucking hold each other close and thank the stars and all that other bullshit that you’re still alive and together! Good for fucking you! Don’t fucking mind me! My marefriend’s dead! She’s fucking dead, not yours!”

Stunned. Speechless. I could see the hurt in both of their faces, but I didn’t care. I knew what I said was wrong. I knew what I said was uncalled for. But I didn’t fucking care. The only thing I cared about in this fucking shithole of a planet was Zip, and she was gone. She was gone, and there was nothing I could do about it. Absolutely nothing.

I stormed away from the two of them. Finally, they didn’t follow me.

I walked in a daze.

I would’ve gone over and looked at the bodies for Zip’s, but Gauge and Nova were still there, and after what I said to them, I felt sick. Like, even more sick than I did when I woke up and realized I was still alive. Plus, they were all under tarps, and I didn’t want to go peeking at all the ponies who’d died. It’d likely make me even more depressed than I already was.

So I walked on, without aim or reason.

I found myself backtracking our advance through the dam. Most of the Crimson bodies had been left where they fell; we were more concerned with recovering our own dead than dealing with theirs for now. Bodies lied in bloody messes and pieces of skulls or limbs dotted everywhere. The flesh strippers had already set to work, their buzz saw-like teeth making horrible noises as they peeled meat off of bones. That was probably the real reason we were collecting our dead first. Our fallen deserved more than to be left out for the birds. The Crimson… well, I found it hard to say anything nice about them. Especially given the circumstances.

A small crew of Sentinels stood around the burnt-out husk of the tank in the third sector, taking a closer look at its remains. One small body lied next to the tank under the tarp; I guess they’d managed to pull somepony else out of the wreckage, or at least, pieces of them. I saw a pegasus grab a shovel and a bucket, flutter up to the remains of the turret ring, and hop inside, followed the sounds of the shovel scraping something burnt off of metal. I shuddered and quickly cantered past them. I didn’t want to think about that anymore.

I saw the ringbird in the sector beyond. It looked like the Sentinels had dragged it back from the edge of the dam and set it firmly on solid ground just to make sure nothing happened to it. At least this one looked like it could be fixed, unlike the tank. The only thing broken on it was the rotor ring. Sure, that’d be a bitch and a half to replace, but it was possible. It’d just take a lot of time and effort.

But what I was more interested in was that there wasn’t anypony around. Everypony was off taking care of the interior of the dam or whatever they’d been doing since I blacked out. I had this entire section of the wall to myself.

I abruptly turned to my left and walked to the very edge of the dam. I could see the valley spread out below me, with a lake at the bottom of the dam that turned into the river winding its way through the mountains. Somewhere in the distance, I could make out a broad, flat-topped mountain—Sigur’s quarry. Beyond that, the peaks and rifts of the mountains became too chaotic to pick out anything else, eventually blending into one big orange and pink mess. Somewhere down there were towns and settlements that didn’t know they were free. Somewhere down there were local bands of Crimson that didn’t know they’d lost. It was going to take some time, but the Sentinels would eventually bring peace to the valley, and things would go back to how they were before the Crimson arrived. The future was looking bright.

For them.

I winced as I climbed onto the rampart of the wall and sat down, hind legs dangling over the side. A thousand foot drop was all that stood between me and the lake down below. A little bit of wind blew at my back, like a gentle hoof softly urging me forward. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. It was so tempting. To just lean forward, forelegs spread, step off of the wall…

My ass slipped a bit and I leaned back by reflex, hooves grabbing onto the ramparts, heart thundering in my chest. My mouth went dry, and I simply laid there unable to bring myself to move. Only when I calmed down a bit and my heart stopped pounding did I sit up and exhale sharply.

“What am I doing here?” I murmured to myself, staring down at my hooves. “Why her? Why not me?”

It was a question I couldn’t answer. It was just dumb bad luck. That was the only reason why Zip died instead of me. If only I’d paid more attention. If only I’d made her look at Fusillade instead. So many things I could’ve done that could’ve saved her life. But I didn’t know to do any of them.

“It should have been me,” I said again, as if trying to explain to the universe that it made a mistake and it should return Zip’s life for mine.

Talons scraped behind me, and I hunched over more. “Go away,” I said, hanging my head between my shoulders. “I don’t want to talk.”

“Yeah.” I heard Sig’s voice behind me, and I slid my teeth against each other. “But you need to.”

“I don’t need to do fucking anything,” I remarked, bitterly. “I shouldn’t even be alive right now.”

Sig’s talons scraped at the rampart wall as he climbed on top of it and sat down next to me. I slid a few inches away and pointedly stared dead ahead, watching the water flow down the river. At least he didn’t put his wing around my shoulders. I might have actually jumped.

Sig was quiet for a few seconds, and I braced myself for the ‘I’m sorry, it’s gonna be alright’ bullshit. But instead of that, he just shook his head. “Do you think you’re the only one who hurts?”

That caught me so off guard that I didn’t know how to answer that. “Uh… no?”

Ice blue hawk eyes stared at me. “I lost three siblings today and a mare I was proud to have called my best friend. Tell me that your pain is worse than mine.”

Gritting my teeth in frustration, I beat my hooves against the rampart. “What the fuck do you want from me, Sig?” I asked him. “To feel sorry for you? Fuck, I’m sorry! There! Happy?”

But the griffon just shook his head. “I don’t want anything from you, Ember. All I want is for you to stop kicking yourself.” Sighing, he looked away and shook his head. “People die. They die all the time, and we usually don’t have a say in the matter unless we’re the one pulling the trigger. Everyone knew today that there was a good chance we weren’t coming back from this. Even Zip. Even you. And yes, it’s okay to grieve. It’d be wrong not to.” Then he pivoted back to me. “But cursing out your friends and jumping off the dam isn’t the way to do it.”

My ears flattened against my head and I shrunk down a bit. “How… h-how much did you hear?”

“Enough,” he said. “I stopped to try to comfort them when you stormed away. Your friend, Nova, she was in tears. Gauge wasn’t much better.”

I felt like I’d been bucked in the stomach. Oh, stars, how the fuck could I say those things to them? I basically told Gauge that my marefriend would still be alive if we didn’t come for his. I told Nova that my marefriend would be alive if we didn’t come to save her. What kind of a friend says things like that?

“You should just throw me off the dam,” I said to Sig. “It’d put me out of a lot of other ponies’ misery.”

Sig shook his head. “I flew here when I was done talking to them to make sure that you didn’t throw yourself off of the dam. I’m not about to undo all my hard work,” he added, smirking slightly.

“So you would’ve caught me?”

“Absolutely.”

I took a deep breath. We sat in silence for several minutes, just a griffon and a broken mare sitting on the wall together. Deep down inside, I was thankful for Sig’s presence. Just talking to him and sitting with him was oddly calming. It helped push back the haze of rage and regret clouding my thoughts and preventing me from thinking straight.

“Yeoman was the one who shot her,” I said, staring unblinkingly ahead. “He was also the one who hung me when I chased him.” Swallowing hard, I turned to Sig to see him watching me carefully. “He… h-he said that she died in a lot of pain. Is it… is it true?” When I saw Sig hesitating, I slid a little closer to him. “I want to know the truth, Sig. Let me know what the fucker did to her so I can pay him back in kind.”

Sighing, Sig looked down at his talons. “I… won’t know unless we autopsy her body,” Sig said. “But there were pieces of lung in her mouth. If she didn’t die immediately from the impact…” he looked to me for confirmation, and I sadly shook my head. “Then yes, Ember. He’s right. She did die in pain.”

“I see,” I said, quietly. “That’s… t-that’s what I was afraid of.” I felt heat beginning to prick at the corners of my eyes, so I shut them and took a deep breath. “That’s all I need to know.”

Sig hesitated for a moment, but he finally decided to wrap his wing around my shoulders and pull me closer to his side. “I know you’re hurting, Ember,” he said. “I am too. But we both know what she’d want. She wouldn’t want you killing yourself. She wouldn’t want you suffering because she’s gone. She’d want you to live and keep fighting for what’s right.” He added an arm to the hug, and he began to stroke my head between the ears with his other hand. “So grieve now. Let it out. Let all of it out. And then—when you’re ready—then we can think about killing the fucker who killed her.”

The embrace and Sig’s words chipped away at my barrier until it was no more. He was right. Zip wouldn’t want me jumping off the dam or doing anything stupid like that. She wouldn’t want me hurting myself over her death. She’d want me out there, making the world a better place, making it more like her a little bit at a time. And I couldn’t do that if I was just going to sit here and cry.

But Sig was also right about another thing. Now was the time to grieve. And now, finally, after all I’d been through, I lowered my guard. Tears streamed from my eyes, and I began to hiccup as I leaned into his chest feathers. He just patted me on the back as I pawed at his coat, shaking and heaving, until finally the sobs came. I cried, I bawled, I screamed in anguish as I clung to the griffon for dear life, bathing in my misery one tear at a time.

In the valley, a mare’s cries of desolation and despair echoed off of the mountains, drowning out the cries of shrikes and flesh strippers alike.