Author's Notes:

First time writing a new story for Fimfiction in... Well forever!

I slapped my face, drawing my hand down across it while I glared at the creature before me.

"You're a horse."

The tiny creature, though it did indeed look like a horse, was neon green. Well more like mint green if we're going to be honest. It stood a little over four feet tall and had bright golden eyes larger than they really should have been. The mane it had was short; almost comically spiked, and holding it's shape in the most unnatural way.

"Actually I'm a unicorn and please don't call me such a filthy thing. You are?" It asked, the voice strangely spritely and feminine, with a hoof waving in such a way that wasn't possible.

"Jesus Christ you're a talking horse."

The creature puffed it's cheeks out and it's snout crumpled inwards. I was seeing things, delirious, high off my ass, drugged, or dead. I stared moments longer, kneeling like a Russian Slav on holiday, before tapping its forehead repeatedly.

"You're a talking horse. A technicolor abomination and I'm evidently high off my mother-bucking ass." I paused as the word bucking escaped my mouth.

The creature began to shake mildly then more violently before one shaky hoof landed right on my chest and pressed hard.

"I'm a UNICORN you bucking asshole. And you're one to talk about abominations you hairless shifty ape!"

I pulled my hand away from my face and poked the thing right in its chest with a throaty growl.

"I am not an ape you horse midget!"

The thing was shaking so hard I could see blood vessels popping out of its face. Its iris' were pin pricks as its snout came dangerously close to my face. I smelled lime and caramels as it glared deep into my soul.

"Call me a whorse, one more time." Was the whisper with an unneeded "w" where horse was.

"You're. A. Ho-" I enunciated before a hoof hit the side of my face with such force that my entire body buckled to the left. Whatever power this thing was packing was evident as I felt my left side and my face strike hard ground.

A series of well calculated hoof punches found themselves on my head and my side as my inner mind screamed "You're getting your ass kicked by a horse midget". I wasn't a small guy by any means. Years of chopping wood, living on the mountainside in dead winter, and bar tending had turned me into the human embodiment of an Irish bear. Needless to say this thing had a crap load of strength and the feeling of the ground giving way under me was defining that fact.

"LYRA HEARTSTRINGS YOU STOP RIGHT NOW." Came a equally upset and feminine voice behind me.

The hoof hoof revolution fury storm subsided and I peeked out from under my arms to see yet another midget horse standing above me. This one was cream colored and had a mane of the most ungodly awful color pallet. Whoever thought Pepto Bismol Pink and Lavender went together needed to be shot. My inner graphic designer screamed as I watched the two colorful horses go at it in a "We're an old couple but still love each other for the grand kids" moment.

"He started it Bon! He called me a whorse!"

And there was that unneeded "w" again, like an "H" in Cool Whip.

"I don't care if he prodded your plot with a stick you don't beat up... Wait, what exactly is it?" The creamy horse said as its hoof seemed to point at me.

"It's an ugly ape apparently! Probably abandoned in the Everfree Forest, I mean look at it!"

I got to my feet and glared down at the two creatures, popping my gnarled hairy knuckles as I mustered the most ferocious glare I could. Nobody told me I was ugly and nobody sure as hell called me an ape.

"Call me an ape one more time you pastel-vomit-sorry-excuse-for-a-horse."

The cream colored one stood between me and my now ultimate rival as it pressed a hoof to my knee.

"Please, my marefriend here doesn't mean any offense. She just hasn't seen a creature such as yourself before. Can we get your name maybe? I'm Bonbon and this is Lyra." She said as she shoulder bumped her partner.

I let out a groan followed by a sigh like I was letting air out of myself. Even if I was drugged or dead was no excuse not to show at least some of the old family hospitality.

"Killian Cormac. A pleasure I think."

I extended a hand and all but enveloped the hoof of Lyra, shaking slowly as I maintained eye contact with the... uh... mare. Her hoof wasn't hard or brittle, but warm and somewhat soft. She felt like an oversized plushie like my youngest sister liked to keep.

Lyra beamed at me and closed her eyes, letting out some sort of "squee" sound from somewhere within her.

"Killian. I like it. So... what brings you to the outskirts of Ponyville?"

Ponyville? What kind of backwoods village name was that?

"I... uh... I'm not quite sure to be frank. I found this hole at the base of the old Klerni tree and stuck my head in. Kind of like that dumb lass from "Alice in Wonderland." Next thing I know your ho- I mean, marefriend is beating on me like a cunt egging for a bare knuckled victory!"

The two stared at me like I had at least grown a few more heads. Well at least Bonbon seemed alright talking to a strange creature she had never encountered before. I got back down on my haunches and looked at the "ponies" with new eyes. They were short compared to me, had coats and manes of the most god awful colors, and sure enough Lyra had a small horn perched atop her head. The eyes put me off though as they were at least the size of my open hands.

"Listen... Killian. I'm sorry I picked a fight with you but where we come from you don't meet a mare and immediately call her such a derogatory thing." Lyra quipped as she shakily extended a hoof.

I shook it warmly and watched with a wide grin when her whole body followed suit like yanking a toy around for a dog. I might as well enjoy this fever dream.

"My apologies lass, where I'm from that's just what we call your lot. Horses are everywhere." I said with a nervous scratch behind my neck.
I finally got a good look at my surroundings as well since I now had a quavering curiosity as to where I ended up when I fell through that darn hole.

The trees were tall and vibrant, encompassing the entire valley before me and half the mountain in the distance. Heck everything was vibrant, the colors permeated every single one of my senses and I soon found myself in a daze just taking it all in. The tugging of my jeans pulled me quick from my sensory orgasm however and I looked down to see Bonbon and Lyra both pulling on my leg.

"Really though Mr. Killian we should get you to Ponyville. Twilight can probably help you find your way back home."
Home. The emerald Isles. I was starting to wonder what exactly linked my drunken forest hangout to this fantastical neon world.

"Why not? It's not like I have anything else to do."

I stood up and shook the dirt from my beard, following behind the mares as they occasionally looked back at me. Where exactly was this place if I wasn't dreaming? Heck I probably hit my head or a angry critter hit me upside the head. Thinking that this place was a reality was as bad as Americans saying leprechauns were real. I chuckled to myself.

"What's funny Mr. Killian?" Bonbon asked with a smile.

"Oh nothing. Tell me, do you have pots of gold at the end of your rainbows?" I asked with a chuckle.

"Well no, the pegasi make the rain fall and then rainbows come from that. So... I'd say unless Pegasi put their bits in big pots I don't think there would be gold at the end of rainbows."

Pegasi made rainbows? This was a pipe dream that I couldn't have brought to life even if I was doing drugs.

The town came into view and yet again I was taken back by the... absolutely clashing scheme. There was a tree house that looked fine but then there was a weird looking bakery, a giant carousal, a strange white and jewel encrusted monstrosity, and the clashing scheme was enough to bring a visible cringe to my face.

"Everything alright?" Lyra asked as I stopped in my tracks as I inwardly foamed at the mouth and twitched.

"WHO IN DORANS ASS DESIGNED THIS CITY?" I yelled as I looked around to more ponies with even more clashing color schemes. The entire world was stark mad!

"I'm not entirely sure, but Twilight would!" Bonbon chimed as I was pushed forward by some unseen force.

I seriously need a frackin' drink.

The inhabitants of Ponyville stared with wide eyes and even wider mouths as I passed by. Some of the ponies didn't have that bad of color but others just screamed at me to get a paint bucket and do a makeover. How could they live with all of these clashing colors and conflicting building designs? It was enough to make any man scream!

"Well here we are!" Lyra shouted as we neared the tree house that I actually found appealing.

There was by now a circle of patrons staring at me, all of those bright eyes staring, drilling into my very being.

"Fháil ar ais!" I managed to yell as the attention became too much.

The crowd gasped and stared, more intent than ever into seeing the new oddity before them. I raised my hands to fend off the coming attack until a voice familiar to my ears came from the tree house.

"Oh hey girls, what seems to be the prob-"

I turned around to see a purple pony with deeper shades in her mane, a stubby horn resting on her head and a pair of fluffy wings nestled close to her side. First time seeing someone with a decent color scheme since my arrival thank God.

"Um... Hi?"

The purple mare took one look at me and fainted, her body hitting the ground as the entire crowd began to scream and disperse.

Lyra looked to the fainted mare then to me with her eyebrow raised in disbelief and annoyance.

"Good one ape."

I grunted a response and walked under the archway, grabbing the passed out purple mare and carrying her to a nearby couch. As I gently laid her down I could see her defining features, like her complimentary mane, her snoot, and the tattoo that all the dang people had on their asses.

Jesus this world is crazier than mine. We don't get tattoos on our asses unless we're really, REALLY piss drunk.

"Hey, Purple horse. Wake up."

My hand limply slapped the mare that I had laid on the couch as some purple and green lizard started to try and throw punches into my leg. The lil' guy was snorting and hollering, his green eyes wide with rage as he pummeled my leg with all the strength of a new babe.

"I'll get you! Don't you dare hurt Twilight!" He spat as he kicked my boot with his clawed feet.

With a sigh I turned around and resumed the Slav maneuver, staring into his emerald orbs with my own. His spine arched as he tried to stand tall; his fangs bared and his nostrils flaring with each and every breath. Had I not already learned that most of the things in... Equestria were harmless I might have been just a tiny bit scared. After all, the lizards in Australia were small but just as deadly as mythical dragons.

"I'm not hurting your passed out marefriend Barney." I chuckled to myself as my hand reached around the top of his head and gave him a solid pat.

"SHE IS NOT MY MAREFRIEND I'LLKILLYOUISWEARTOCELESTIA-" He fumed as he jumped up and down like a toddler getting socks for Christmas.

Bonbon cleared her throat as her sidekick chuckled with a hoof over her mouth.

"Um Killian? Maybe it's time to turn in for the day. If you like Lyra and I would be happy to have you stay at the sweet shop until Twilight wakes up from all of this."

I shook my head and stood up. The house was also a library and seeing all the books so well cared for brought a smile to my heart. I looked around a bit more and absentmindedly put my hand on the lizards head.

"Oi. Where can a guy shake the dew from his lily around here?" I asked as I looked around some more.

"What!? And my name is Spike you ape!"

I scoffed and looked back at the runt.

"Where can a man take a piss around here? Drain the lizard? Shake the dragon? Sprinkle the tulips?" I asked while Bonbons eyes widened at each of my quips.

"Upstairs to the left. Also that's creepy."

I shook my head and threw my hand in the air. While the three of them talked back and forth I had set my mind on taking a leak. Gods above knew it had been a while since I had and after drinking a quaff of Guinness it was gonna be a burner. I finally stumbled in, ducking my head under the archway as I noted the strange layout of the room. The toilet was very similar to ones humans used sans it being much, much smaller. Not one to turn down a challenge I immediately primed my musket and took aim. Careful, easy does it...

"TWILIGHT IS AWAKE!" Came an uproarious cry as the bathroom door flung open.

I screamed in shock, flinging my hips to the source of the sound and all but hitting poor Lyra with a stream of... well you know.

"What the buck Killian!?" Lyra roared as she jumped backwards, blocking the weakening stream with a shield conjured from thin air.

I quickly zipped my trousers and scoured under the sink for a cloth or something. Finally grabbing a towel I threw it into Lyra's face stopping only for a moment as the sound of heavy glass hitting the floor reached my ears.

Sloshing? Rolling sound? Could it be by Dornans Beard?

My eyes met the prize, the one thing that could pull me from this nightmare. Sweet, sweet alcohol.

"Lords thank ye!" I screamed as I whipped around and scooped the bottle of saviors tears off the dirty floor and hugged it close to my chest.

Sweet mercy and God's grace was here in my hands. I looked over the dusty bottle and gave it a loving clean up, wrapping my wool shirt over the label to see what godly contents laid within. Apple Brandy. Good lord there was something I could like about this world. I took the amber bottle and held it high like presenting the greatest treasure to Saint Patrick himself.

"Lyra! We have booze!" I yelled with enough force to shake the room.

Lyra stared, her eyes not betraying her fury and anger at her surprise golden shower.

"Good for bucking you Killian."

She grabbed my wrist with her magic and drug me down the stairs as I lovingly caressed the bottle. At the base of the stairs was one Bonbon, twitching and looking as if she might blow, one Spike with his claw foot tapping the floor, and one purple horse, who stared at me with wide eyes and a spatula pointed menacingly at me in her magical grasp.

"Oh. Hey there purple horse. Thanks for the brandy I really needed this." I happily stated with a wide grin.

The purple mares face suddenly took a deep shade of crimson as the spatula fell straight to the ground. Her eyes looked me up and down as she slowly approached the clop clop of her hooves growing quieter as she stood face to my chest.

"What did you call me?"

"Oh right, sorry purple uh..." I paused to discern if she was a unicorn or a pegasus. Maybe her parents were cousins? "Purple unisus... Yeah I think you call each other horse in the bedroom would I be right?" I finished with a throaty laugh.

Her face turned even redder as she wrapped her magic around the bottle.

"I'll have you know I'm an alicorn princess thank you very much." She grunted as she tried to remove my child from my hands.

"News flash purple smart, nothing gets between an Irishman and his booze. Not even an ali-whatever you are princess."

Her horn glowed brighter as we tugged it back and forth. Had to give the mare credit, her grip was as tough as mine.

"It's Alicorn!"

"Master says put the booze down HORSE!" I yelled.

Well that did it.

She bit her lower lip and let go causing my body to fling itself backwards onto the couch with a soft thump. Gloating in victory I jumped up and down, tossing the bottle through the air and dexterously catching it much to the amazement of my audience.

"Is he a Minotaur? A diamond dog perhaps?" The purple one asked aloud as her eyes followed the mesmerizing path of the bottle that I tossed in my hands.

"Hey, I don't call you a donkey so don't assume I'm a bull man or a hound. Horn dog maybe... but definitely not whatever you just said." I snapped back as I pulled the cork off the bottle to savor in the rustic scent of apples and brandy. The smell overtook me with happy memories of fall, lasses in blankets near the fire, a good strong smack on the ass in a drunken stupor. Bliss.

"Then what are you?"

I took a swig from the bottle and relished in the feeling of the fire burning down my chest with a hint of cinnamon. These ponies made excellent booze I soon realized as I took one more drink, then another, then another.

"I am a man! A true testament to the power of the Emerald Isles!" I roared while I pressed my arms together in the best weight lifter pose I could muster.

I strolled past the ponies as they eyed me with curiosity. They were so small, yet so intelligent. Dornans ass it was as if they were truly real and this wasn't a pipe dream. I stood at the side of the purple mare and gave her a wicked grin as I raised my hand and gave her flank a good hard smack.

"Giddyup princess." I growled as I shot her a deviantly teasing grin.

Her reaction however was far from what I'd expect. From inside her throat came a hearty groan, her back legs twitching slightly as her wings shot to their full length. Based on the horrifying stares of Lyra and Bonbon I had made a grave mistake. I looked at the purple one again as her mouth hung open, her eyes glazed as she stared into nothingness.

"Killian how drunk are you!" Lyra yelled as she looked away from us and crossed her muzzle with a hoof.

"Not drunk enough to-"

I trailed off.

I was drunk.

Not in my wildest dreams had I gotten drunk while in the dream.

This wasn't a dream.

I was in a technicolor nightmare.

Nobody knew what colors went with what.

I slapped a horses ass and made her as giddy as a slave at a BDSM convention.

I tipped the bottle up and drank the contents with wide eyes.

Shit.