Eris sat at the table, perplexed. Her piece was in jeopardy and it was her opponent's turn. She didn't mind losing, but what bothered her was that she couldn't understand why her opponent would make such a move. Was it just to eliminate the competition? No, that was far too simple for such a convoluted mind. To top it all off, it wore that infuriating disguise. A shameless trick of distraction. The creature she played against was about as different from its mask as one could get.

The girl child seated across from her looked up and smirked.

“What's puzzling you is the nature of my game.” It laughed.

“Why?” Eris asked bluntly. The creature's constant jokes wore thin.

“To teach you a valuable lesson.”

“And what might that be?” She inquired.

“There's no room for red on field of black and white.”

“That's the last thing I expected someone like you to say. Well, hurry up already.”

Eris took a bite of golden apple, and waited.

“Wow mister, you like ponies?”

So there I was, just minding my own business as usual, chilling out at the public library where I bummed wi-fi. What? You expect me to hang out in some net cafe for free webs? One, I hate coffee and two, I know the kind of people who hang out in net cafes. They're the kind of people who use a fancy accented e for words of French origin. Anyway, I was in my usual hidey hole off in a corner where there was never any traffic to bother me, and where my secret past-time could remain secret. Or so I thought.

I was watching one of my favorite episodes of Friendship Is Magic – Lesson Zero. What can I say? Twilight makes the best crazy faces. Then I heard a voice call out from behind me. I was extremely embarrassed to be caught watching a show for little girls. 'But what about brony pride?' you ask. Gimme a break. I'm a thick bearded navy vet/lumber jack. I have an image to maintain.

Speaking of little girls, that's exactly who it was interrupting my precious pony time. Right from the start I knew there was something... odd about this kid. For starters, there was her pull-over. It was purplish black, and I'm not kidding the hood that she had pulled down low was designed to look like the head of a raven. Then there was her dress, which reminded me far too much of the twins from The Shining. Lastly... the eyes. One was a dark blue, the other was a yellowish color. Or was it gold? Either way it's pretty damn weird to see someone with heterochromia in real life and its especially weird when that someone is a creepy little girl holding an even creepier dolly. I really, really wish I were joking when I say that the thing looked exactly like Slender Man.

She was staring at me as if she expected some kind of response, which I guess Is fair since she asked me a question.

“Uhh.. yeah kiddo. I guess I do.”

At this point I was looking around for Le Enfant Terrible's parents, but I figured if they let their kid end up looking like that, allowing their child to run around unsupervised so that they could come bother scary looking dudes in quiet and out of the way areas was par for course. They might as well have pasted a sign on her that said: 'Unnatural and unwanted child, please take one.'

“I just love ponies! They're ever so much fun!”

The sound of her voice made my skin crawl. There was just something wrong about it that I couldn't quite place.

“Say mister, if you could go to Equestria, what would you be?”

That sort of threw me for a loop. I'd never thought about it too much. Definitely not a pony, that would just be way too typical. Besides, that thing they did where they pick things up despite having hooves is kind of freaky.

“I dunno... a minotaur I guess? Probably not what you were expecting I know. Say, are your parents around?”

I really wanted her as far away from me as possible. I also wanted to go back to watching ponies. The kid consulted with the evil doll in hushed tones and seemed to come to an agreement of sorts. Man, if she wasn't creepy before the ear to ear grin she wore sealed the deal. She whispered something and I blinked, not believing I had heard her correctly.

“I'm sorry? I could have swore you just said--”

“SONIC... BOOM!”

Yeah. That's what I thought she'd said. And that was how I got myself KO'ed by a girl. Or maybe it was the doll. I don't remember and I never fucking want to find out. If I ever see that little bitch again it'll be much too soon. No joke, before I went under I swear I heard Guile's theme blaring over the PA system.

I mentioned before that I was a navy vet, so it should come as no surprise that waking up groggy and confused with no idea where I was or how I had gotten there is not exactly an unusual occurrence for me. What is unusual is waking up green. No, not green in the 'I drank too much and I'm gonna be sick' sense. Rather, I woke up in the 'Jolly Green Goddamn Giant' sense.

I was sprawled on my stomach, so the first thing I saw was my hand. It was freaking huge, and the color of spinach. It was also one finger too few. Startled by this horrifying abomination I quickly noticed that the arm it was attached to was equally green and equally huge. Well, that sent me into a panic real fast.

I tried to leap to my feet only to discover that my legs now bent in interesting and unusual ways. They felt like frigging noodles. Also, I no longer had feet. I had hooves. I didn't even need to see the rest of me. At that point it was pretty obvious what I had become.

“No. No this is not happening.” I said out loud. “You did not get sonic boomed out of reality and you most certainly are not a big green minotaur.”

There, take that existence!

Quite satisfied with the sheer awesomeness of my denial, I was rather dismayed to find that rather than waking up in my bed or in the much more likely county jail, absolutely nothing happened. By rather dismayed, I mean I started hyperventilating. After I passed out and woke back up in the exact same state as before, the shock wore off. Mostly... Mostly.

“Okay. Okay. So. Congratulations, you're a big green minotaur.”

This was followed by about five seconds of utter silence, and then...

“What the FUCK!?”

I sat there for a long time, trying to wrap my head around the reality of the situation. Then I remembered that weird little blonde bitch and what she had asked me. Equestria? Really? Well, there were certainly worse places to get sent to. And considering the freakishness of that kid, I got real fucking lucky. I mean, I could have wound up in the Evangelion dimension. Or worse, the Warhammer 40k dimension. At least I was in the land of LOVE AND PEACE.

Or at least that's what I thought at the time.

Finally accepting my fate, I took a look at my surroundings. I was on some path in the middle of a forested area. Hmm, adequate sunlight. No hideous monsters trying to eat me. Well, at least I hadn't ended up in the Everfree. There was not much else to look at though. Attempting to get up once more I realized that this new body of mine was going to take some getting used to.

After a while I had mastered walking, then I made my great discovery. As it turns out, minotaurs have incredible balance. Must be necessary for holding the head up. Contemplating my new head I reached up and felt my horns. They were sort of curvy like a Spanish bull's horns, not ramrod straight like Iron Will's were. They were also really goddamn sharp.

Now, speaking of Iron Will, I noticed yet another discrepancy between us. I was ripped. I mean, Iron Will had that whole sleek bodybuilder physique going, but I was enormous. We're talking Snowflake level muscles here, but on a minotaur. I couldn't help but flex and give the white pegasus' trademark “YEEEAAAAAH!!!” Also, either I was some kind of freak or Iron Will was, because his hands were sickeningly tiny. Mine were a normal proportion to the rest of me.

Well now I was excited to be here. I feel I should tell you a little about my old life, so that you understand. I had no real friends after leaving the navy, and the guys I worked with chopping down trees were not exactly a chummy bunch. My folks were long gone, so I had no family either. Now, I didn't hate Earth like a lot of bronies did. I just didn't have anything particularly important to go back to. One place was the same as another right? Might as well enjoy being in my favorite TV show.

Then it really dawned on me. HOLY SHIT. I'M IN EQUESTRIA!!!! The insipid fan-boy inside me nearly exploded. My joy addled brain came up with this sparkling display of genius:

“QUICK! How I gets to Ponyville?! Must hug Fluddershy!”

I took off running down the path like an idiot with minimal planning, thinking that if I followed the road long enough I'd find a town. As I ran, I found myself naturally falling into a charge, my head lowered as if to gore something with my horns. Well, that was interesting. Must be yet another use for all that balance.

Soon enough I discovered that the road did not in fact lead to a town. It lead nowhere. The road just kept going and going like the Energizer bunny. Finally I stopped to catch my breath. Looking through the trees I saw a small lake and decided to quench my thirst. I nearly cried when I tasted the water. Think of the coolest, purest and most refreshing water you've ever had, now multiply that by about fifty.

Looking at my reflection I was pleased with what I saw. My epic beard was still in place, only it was a light green with darker streaks in it, much like my long shaggy hair. My brown eyes were now a slightly darker shade than they used to be. There was one thing missing though, and that was my flannel shirt. Being naked didn't really bother me so much, but I liked my shirt. I mean, you can't be a lumberjack without a flannel shirt.

I'd need to come up with a new name for myself. The human one just wouldn't do. Hmm, my eyes were now the color of chocolate. I know! Fudge!

“Fudge the Minotuar, welcome to Equestria.” I said to myself.

Flexing my new biceps, I watched my reflection and stated in my best Spike impression:

“Lookin' good there Fudge. Lookin' real good!”

My stomach rumbled. The sun was beginning to go down and I had no shelter or dinner of any sort. Then, the horror came. My precious meat eating teeth were all gone. No canines, no incisors. All I had in my mouth were stupid herbivore teeth. Full of despair, I shouted to the heavens.

“Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!”

Author's Notes:

Thus begins the sad sad tale of Fudge the Minotard, and you will quickly figure out that his Game Master is a complete douche. Oh yeah, so adorableness is kind of like Fudge's kryptonite. Only instead of making him weak, it turns him into an idiot. Then again, he's kind of an idiot to begin with.