My Dragon Roommate

by Lise

First published 17th of October, 2016

I'm in college studying for my Equestria transfer application, and my roommate is a dragon named Spike.

It's been years since the boundaries between Earth and Equestria faded away. Equines and other creatures are now a fact of life. Major universities have started student transfer initiatives, allowing species of both words to visit the other.

Me? I'm in college studying for my transfer application, and my roommate is a dragon named Spike.

Special thanks to Malefactory and FloydienSlip for editing.

1. My Dragon Roommate

Ever since I was a child, I dreamt of magic. I'd hide in the wardrobe, a stack of comics beside me, grip a flashlight, and imagine what it would be like if I could do the things I read on the colourful pages. Now, ten years later, I got my wish... and it was more boring and tedious than linear algebra.

Slumped at my desk I yawned. Three days until my basic magic exam, and I was nowhere. Whoever came with the course must have had a vile sense of humour. The universe has never known such a contrast between name and syllabus! When I first saw Basic Introduction to Magic, I thought it would be easy. That was before I learned that I had to be an expert in biology, biochemistry, and quantum mechanics just to be able to read what was written on the pages. Understanding it was a whole different ballpark.

"Stupid unicorns!" I slammed my book shut. It was their poking that had lead to the portal between worlds. The greatest discovery of humanity and equinity alike—the confirmation that either race was not alone in the multiverse. Four years ago, the impossible had happened. I remembered it clearly. I was shooting pool with a few friends, trying to impress my at the time girlfriend, when all the channels started showing the same thing. At first I thought it was a hoax: a transdimensional portal appearing at Stonehenge, and a herd of armoured horses charging into our world. Who in his right mind would take that as true? The social networks went wild. Reddit and Twitter had to shut down for a full day, Facebook enforced a one-post-per-ten-minutes rule, and disabled the creation of new accounts. Skype and mobile operators were overwhelmed, as if it was New Year’s, and among all that, people—myself included—watched as a black winged unicorn full platoon of soldiers and requested to speak to the world's leaders. Man, the end of the world never was more absurd.

Fast forward to today: the human-equine relations have become fact. Despite a lot of initial grumbling on both sides, and a lot of saber-rattling on ours, both species are free to visit the other on a temporary basis. The only catch—every visitor must be made aware and prepared for the dangers expecting them at their destination. In my case, that involved a basic understanding of magic and the affects it might have on electronics and human biology.

"Yo, Allen!" My roommate stormed in the dorm. He had the annoying habit of entering before checking if it was okay to do so. Thankfully, he hadn't caught me in the worst situation, but I've long stopped inviting girls over. "Can I borrow one of your fancy shirts? I'll pay you back tomorrow."

Saying that my roommate was weird was both inaccurate and an understatement. Having equines live in the same buildings as humans threw the whole concept of normality out of the window. In general, the policy was to have the equines have their own rooms—males separated from females, naturally—but there always were exceptions. In my case the exception was that I had a dragon for a roommate.

"Are you in trouble again, Spike?" I looked over my shoulder. The purple dragon was standing there in the doorway, black Rogue One t-shirt, black kilt, and what I assume was a headband, though on him it looked more like a bandage.

Looking at him made me think of the first time we met. I had been called to the Dean's office. Apparently, I had been selected to act as a student guide. Later, I had learned that the only reason was me putting Dungeons and Dragons as preferred hobby on my Equestrian visitor's request. Spike had been the embodiment of shyness. Wide-eyed and bushy-tailed, he had remained in the opposite end of the room, wearing a set of clothes so nerdy, that 80s dramas wouldn't allow them on set. To top it all, his legal guardian—which just happened to be Equestrian Royalty—had tagged along to make sure he was going to stay in a proper environment. Boy had she grilled me good.

"No!" He crossed his arms. "I just need to be somewhere, okay?"

Yes, typical Spike. It had taken the timid little dragon two months to become the life of the party on-campus. I must admit I wasn't the best influence, either. The one time I got him drunk, he had spend the entire night singing from the dorm rooftop, while burping green flames. What made it substantially worse, was that he had forgotten he was on earth and had taken off his clothes doing so. The following morning he had burped out a scroll "inviting" us both to the Dean's office to explain ourselves to his legal guardian.

"Yeah, right," I looked at his side of the room. A huge tapestry of a white unicorn hung above his bed, right next to a series of photos, not least of which of his girlfriend—who gave me the chills. I definitely didn't want to be around when she got upset.

"Look, seriously, dude, I just need something cool to go to this new trance party." He started tapping his foot on the floor impatiently. "I got this sweet record from Vinyl, and I want everyone to check it out."

"Spike, you don't need to be the center of attention all the time!" Who was I kidding? The moment he started relaxing, he had become an instant celebrity. There wasn't a person on campus who hadn't posted at least ten selfies with him. "I get it. Everyone knows you're a chick magnet."

"Hey, it's not like that!" He stomped to my wardrobe and opened it. I honestly couldn't tell which was worse. That he was oblivious of the fact, or he really believed it. "I've always liked parties. Oh, and Vinyl said she was cool with hearing some of your samples, maybe giving you some pointers."

Whatever I was about to say got stuck to my throat. A chance to work with a world famous DJ... everyone on campus, heck everyone in the world, would claw their eyes out for such an opportunity, and he had just casually offered it, as if it were nothing.

"Just take something." I waved. It wasn't like I couldn't spare a shirt. At present I had money to spare. If anything, I had told him to stop giving me gems. Right now, I probably had half a million in rubies lying in my desk drawer—rubies I could never sell because of the Equestria-Earth Gem Stability accord. "Will anyone I know be there?" I asked in the hope he'd invite me.

"Linguistics department." He started going through my stuff. "Want to come? Jen will be there."

Suddenly I felt empty inside. Spike didn't know that Jen and I were going through a rough time. Actually, we had pretty much split up, choosing not to make it public in the hope that some miracle would turn things around. Whatever desire I had to be at the party had evaporated.

"Nah, it's fine." I turned around and opened my magic textbook. "I’ve got to go through this if I want to pass Thursday's test."

"You know I could get you a tutor."

"Dude, I'm not getting lessons from a princess!" This sounded so wrong. The point held true, though. I seriously didn't want her ten feet from my dorm, less she starts grilling me about Spike again.

"Twilight isn't the only one that could teach you." He took a midnight blue shirt with ivory buttons and started looking at it critically. "Starlight is awesome too, and there's Moondancer... Hey, I think you'd like Moondancer. I'll send her a note in the morning."

"If you're conscious," I grumbled, loud enough for him to hear me. "Just take the damned shirt and go. If I bomb out, I'll take your offer." Which likely would happen in three days time. "And take your phone this time! I want to be able to get in touch with you if I get a letter from your dragon lady."

"Ha, ha." He put on the shirt. It didn't suit him one bit, but no way in hell I was telling him that. "Once I'm done with midterms, I'm inviting her over. Then we'll see whose laughing!"

I smirked. Another idle threat. From the few interactions I had with Ember through dragon mail, I knew there was no way she would come to Earth, even for Spike. If I recall, her exact words were "why would I go to a dump like that?" In that regard she was even more blunt than Spike.

"Well, I'm off." Spike pulled his collar up and went into the corridor. "Seriously, though, let me know if you're in trouble, bro. If there's anything, I have your back."

"I know, Spike." I tried not to look him in the eye. I had lost count how many times he had listened to me when I was at my darkest. As much as I grumbled and smirked at him, he was definitely the best roommate I'd had. "Go get them, drake." I raised my hand for a backwards wave. "Don't break too many hearts."

"No promises, bro," he yelled back from the corridor.

Ever since I was a child I dreamt of magic; of wizards, knights, and dragons. Now, ten years later, bent over a desk, trying to make sense of logic that would make Einstein dizzy, I got my wish. Nearly every month I thought of quitting, of letting it all go and return to being a normal farmer, or something. Maybe one day I would do just that—say to heck with it and leave, no explanations given. That day, however, would not be today. Magic might have turned out to be pain on toast, but at least I got to have a cool dragon roommate.

2. Drunk With Jackets

Crunching for finals is the worst. Around five a.m. both my motivation and my stack of energy drinks had run out. The letters in the book had started to blur, becoming less understandable than the subject matter itself. I probably could have taken a shower and gained a few more hours of energy, but I chose to get some sleep instead. Big mistake. An hour later I was woken up by an overprotective Equestrian princess "concerned" with how her "baby dragon" was coping with his first serious school exam. To make matters worse, my initial conversation with her took place inside my own dream.

From what I understood, the princess had sent a dozen scrolls to Spike, all of which had remained unanswered. Any normal parent or guardian would take that as a hint and have stopped after the tenth text. Instead, Princess Twilight had rushed to the Equine UN ambassador—Her Majesty Princess Luna—and demanded to have a dream-talk with her dragon. Apparently, she had failed reaching him, and so had resorted to the next best thing: a dream-talk with said dragon's roommate. Needless to say she hadn't caught me in the most flattering light. I had been half naked, lying on a beach, next to a gorgeous woman in a bikini. Princess Twilight had literally popped in, opened with a "Hello, Allen. I'm not sure you remember me—" then went on to flood me with questions, as if I were Spike's babysitter. I had taken a deep breath, tried to appear calm, and lied my mouth off. That was ten minutes ago.

"Spike, you bastard!" I dialed his cell. I could picture him flirting with half the club, insisting it was 'all cool.'

"The number you are trying to reach is not available at this time." The automated reply kicked in. "Please try again later. If you want to leave a message, please do so after the tone."

Just great! I hung up and slammed the phone on the desk. My head was already buzzing with a crapload of magical theorems, I didn't need to deal with dragon drama right now. Why couldn't he keep his stupid phone on?

For almost a minute I kept staring at the phone, hoping that Spike would ring back. My glance drifted onto the open textbook—perception distortion of the human eye inside a spell matrix. I wanted to shout. There was no way I'd learn all that in the two days I had left.

No reaction from my phone, I went to get a shower. The moment I turned the water on the black wind, fire and steel ringtone started playing. Of course Spike would choose to ring back now! Dripping wet, I rushed and grabbed the phone.

"What took you so long!" I shouted. "Do you know what I—"

"Nice to hear you too, Allen," a female voice responded. I froze.

"Jen?" I recognized the voice of my girlfriend. "Look, I..." This was awkward. The talk five days ago still burned in my mind. Technically it had been me who had ended things, but she had spoken the words. "Where's Spike?" I quickly changed the subject.

"Drunk in the back of my car." I could feel the frustration in her voice. "Hugging a dozen jackets."

"Uh-huh," I nodded mechanically. Why did she have his phone?

"Look, just get here, okay? I can't drive with that idiot in my car. He starts shuffling each time I start the engine, muttering about Ember."

I coughed to disguise my laugh. That was something I never expected I'd hear. It would explain his obsession with motorcycle's however. I still remember the first time he saw a Yamaha drive through campus. Spike had tossed his backpack, then rushed to the biker asking where he could get one. As a result a long discussion with the assistant-dean had followed, regarding drivers licenses, dragon rights, and good old Earth bureaucracy practices.

"Allen, are you listening?" Jen snapped, annoyed at my delay. There it was—the unmistakable sharp note in her voice that made me confrontational. "Spike is drunk as a log, and I need you to help me drag him from here to there!"

"I'll be right there." I clenched my jaw. For several seconds I hesitated whether to add something or not, then ended the call. "Stupid, stupid, stupid!" How was Jen able to get under my skin so easily without even trying?

I grabbed the first clothes I saw—my blue jogging pants, yesterday's shirt, and Spike's leather jacket—then I rushed outside. The night felt fresh. According to the weather report there was a sixty percent chance of rain. That made me mad, but not enough to go back to fetch my umbrella. If the stupid government officials had approved the Pegasus-Earth Assistance Pact weather problems would have become a thing of the past. Of course, there were those who argued that giving "sovereignty of our weather" to a foreign nation was a "grave threat to our national security". Threat my ass! The third world had jumped at the chance to have regulated weather; even the E.U. had agreed on certain provisions, but no—we had to keep our good, old-fashioned droughts, hurricanes, and all.

"Spike, you complete fuck-up!" I hissed under my breath, as I started running.

It took me about fifteen minutes to get near the club where Spike had gone to. I could hear the beats of the songs a long way off. It was a small wonder that the police hadn't shown up. The thought sent chills down my spine. I was not going to explain all that to his guardian! Parked on the side of the road I saw Jen's car. The minuscule Smart stood there, motionless, headlights on maximum. Jen was leaning against it, face in hands.

"Jen?" I came closer. "Is everything...?"

"What do you think?" She lifted her face and looked me straight in the eye. Yep, that was the Jen I knew, alright. She could convince me the sinking of the Titanic was my fault if she wanted to. "Just..."

She opened the car door and stepped back. Uncertain, I peeked inside. Having in mind what happened last time Spike was drunk, I was expecting a hammered mess taking all the space, vodka bottle in hand. Instead, I saw my roommate hugging a stack of jackets with both hands, as if they were plushy toys. The image made me pull back and glance at Jen. She raised her hands in a typical "don't even ask" fashion.

Wow, Spike... He was curled up in a ball—tail hanging from the passenger seat window—taking up most of the passenger seat. If someone were to draw this, I would have thought it the cutest thing in the world. Well, excluding the fact that Spike was three sizes too large to be considered cute and had managed to rip my shirt.

"That's... weird," I said after a while.

"You don't know the half of it," Jen sighed. "He won't let go of the jackets. When I tried pulling one out, he started whining in his sleep."

"Really?" I reached towards a jacket sleeve only to get a sharp slap on the wrist. "What? Like he'll care."

Jen didn't say a word. Out of spite I took a few photos with my phone. No way I was letting Spike forget this incident. After everything I'd been through tonight, I deserved some form of satisfaction.

"How did he get so messed up?"

"Kiss and drink." Jen said curtly.

I froze. Tomorrow morning the web would be full of photos and videos of the event. The internet would explode, Spike would get in trouble, and I'd be left cleaning up the mess, as always. I opened my mouth to say something, but before I could the dragon burped up a scroll in his sleep. The rolled up parchment appeared in mid air, then fell to the car floor, where there were a dozen more.

"Crap!" I grabbed my head with both hands. Twilight was still sending scrolls? Just how overprotective was she? "We got to get him to the dorm."

"That's the idea." Jen came beside me and patted me on the shoulder. "You pull him out."

Getting a dragon out of the car turned out much more difficult than one might think. True, he shared many humanoid features, but there was one specific difference—the tail, and at times I really wished I could just cut it off. The way he had managed to get it stuck in the window prevented the door on his side from being opened. I tried. Even with Jen's help trying to drag him out of the passenger’s seat only made the dragon cling to the carseat as if his life depended on it. Alternatively, pulling him out from the driver's side only succeeded in getting him to whimper uncontrollably. If there was a definition of "worst drunk", Spike definitely was it. In the end I managed to push—and kick—his tail into the car without breaking the window, then opened the door. Almost immediately, he fell to the ground like a sack of potatoes. The car floor was covered in scrolls.

"Heck, yes!" I shouted, leaning on the car to catch my breath. Hot sweat covered my face and most of my back. I couldn't wait to get back home and peel the shirt off and finish the shower I started.

In my attempt to cool off, I took off my jacket and tossed it on the ground. Big mistake. The moment it got in Spike's vicinity, he grabbed it greedily, adding it to his hoard. Fat chance I was going to get it back before morning.

"What the heck happened?" I turned to Jen. "You should have called."

"I did." Jen came beside me. "The moment I managed to get my phone free. You've seen what he's like. You try getting anything from a jacket pocket."

He had her jacket too?

"Kiss and drink?" I asked darkly.

"No." she shook her head. "Not that you get to ask anymore, but no. He grabbed my jacket after I managed to take him to the car."

That should have made me feel better, but it didn't. "What did he have?"

"Tequila shots mixed with sapphire dust," she said. A cringeworthy combination, I made a note to try sometime. "Apparently someone from Equestria had decided to bring him a whole bagful. Three guesses where it ended up."

"Right..."

"One thing led to another. First a dare, then a challenge to see how far he could keep going, then a kiss and drink game," she waved her hands in front of her. "I thought Facebook would be full of clips and pics by now."

"Probably is," I sighed. "I unplugged my puter. Magic exam in a few days." And I still was nowhere on that. At this point, I might as well just not bother attending and save myself the humiliation. "How many shots did he drink?"

"Nine... he would have kept going if he hadn't belched on the bottle halfway in." Jen started fumbling her pockets for something. "Got a smoke?"

"No." She was so stressed she had forgotten I quit. Studying the effects smoking had on human organs in a magic environment made me quit in a day—faster than any warning labels or quitting programs could. Side effects included, nausea, fainting, and—in a few rare cases—the lungs exploding. I had made a point to ask in class if there were any fatalities. The fact that so far there weren't hadn't made me change my mind. "I think I have some gum," I reached for my back pocket.

"For fuck’s sake!" she snapped, slamming the car with her fist. I half expected the airbag to pop out. We stood there silently for another few minutes, silent, glancing at nothing in particular. Twice Spike belched a scroll on the ground. Twilight clearly had no intention of giving up.

"I'm telling Ellie we're breaking up." Jen broke the silence. "And the rest too. They've all been sensing it. So now we'll just make it official."

"If that's what you—"

"Will you just stop it?!" she shouted right at me. "I can't keep doing this! Equines, gryphons... your own roommate is a dragon! I tried... heavens, I really tried, but I've had enough! I can't live like this, trapped in here like a prisoner, studying ancient horse dialects of a place that shouldn't exist. I can't see my parents without going through a screening to make sure I'm not smuggling gems, gold, or clouds!"

The smuggling issue. I didn't have problems, because I spent most of my time at campus only going to the nearby towns. There wasn't anyone in particular I wanted to see, and most of my friends were here anyway. Jen was different. Even when I met her she was used to traveling out of state. She'd joke about it sometimes, but I'd never thought things were so bad. Guess, I wasn't too observant.

"Are you going to leave uni?" I could see where this was going.

"I don't know." She took a lighter from her pocket, glanced at it, then put it away again. "Maybe. I'm not like you, Allen. I can't fit in here..."

"I know." I put my arm around her shoulders. Surprisingly, she didn't react. "I'll still be able to send you clips, right?" Humour—the final phase of breakup. I felt like my stomach was being sucked into a thermo-magic matrix. "Where else will you get your daily drunk dragon pics?" I forced a laugh.

No response. Jen was beyond bad humour. The first stable relationship I'd had... gone because of talking equines. Maybe she was right? Maybe I was crazy to stay here.

"Can you take him to your dorm by yourself?" she asked, thumbing her pockets again. "I want to be alone for a bit."

"Sure." I moved my arm back. "Go. I'll take care of him."

She didn't say a thanks, not one I heard, at least. Giving me one last look, she walked away from the car, leaving me and my dragon behind. This was probably the last time I'd ever see her.

"Hey, burry," Spike slurred in his drunkenness. "Issit time for exams?"

I looked at him. The drunken pile of alcohol had cost me my relationship, and probably caused me to fail my exam. And yet, somehow, I couldn't feel mad at him. Maybe I just felt relieved that Jen had finally made it official, or maybe I really had gotten too used to magic, equines, and dragons?

"Go back to sleep, Spike." I turned him on his back. Heaven knows he was too heavy for me to carry. Dragging him would have to be enough. Good thing dragon scales were tough. "There's a whole week left." I took hold of his tail and started pulling. Today I was going to take him back to the dorm. Tomorrow, I would have to come up with an explanation for Twilight...

3. Exams and Breakups

Letting a roommate cook is never a good idea. I've made enough disastrous attempts to know, so whenever I wake up to a huge breakfast—or lunch in this case—I know that either something bad has happened or is about to. In the case of Spike, I could never tell which if the two it was.

"I think we're out of grapefruit!" Spike shouted from the kitchen.

Grapefruit. He was the only one into that stuff. Strange, keeping in mind how much equines loved their sugar. A few years after the portal was established I would joke that all one needed was a bag of sugar to conquer Equestria. Apparently, that wasn't far from the truth. I actually knew someone who had gotten a unicorn to talk to him by offering her doughnuts after class. Last I heard they were still penpals.

"Let me get the toast done and I'll be right there." The sound of drawers slamming and utensils crashing mixed with Spike's shout. Of everyone I knew the dragon was the only one who actually managed to slam a drawer. "Want some muffins? I can make some muffins."

I looked at the food. It covered the entirety of the table, continuing all over the desk, and down to part of the floor. Even drunk there was no way I was eating all this in one day.

"Spike, it's okay." I sighed. "For the fifth time, it's fine. Things happen. No big deal." No need to mention that his stunt all but guaranteed my failing tomorrow's test. "Chill."

"Nah, I'm baking some muffins." He ignored me completely. I'm not sure if it was because of the way he was raised, but Spike was more stubborn than a mule. "You dig in, I'll be with you in a sec."

I covered my face with both hands. I really didn't want any food right now. Also, Spike hadn't gotten the hang of Earth cooking. This wasn't the first time he had cooked. The guy actually adored cooking... when he wasn't partying or going about campus. The problem was that he tended to add cinnamon and sugar to everything. Memories of the cinnamon pineapple steak haunted me to this very day. The worst part—he had helpfully waited until I had taken a bite before mentioning the fact.

"Jen told me you were breaking up," he said from the kitchen. I froze. Wow, Jen! You told Spike before me? The dragon's words felt like a kick in the gut. "You don't think you could—"

"Drop it." This was one thing I didn't want to talk about. "What's done is done. There's no fixing it."

The sound of clanking dishes was the only answer from the kitchen. Spike didn't seem to be taking it well.

"Such things happen all the time," I began. "Some people just aren't meant to be together."

This was so awkward that it was stupid. I was trying to cheer Spike up, because he was upset that I had been dumped? My parents had been right all along: this was a crazy world we lived in. My eyes wandered off to the stack of pancakes nearby. Spike had made enough to feed an army. I reached out and grabbed one with my fingers.

"Isn't the first time it’s happened." I bit into the pancake. It tasted of mustard and caramelized salt. "Just don't let it get to you. It's part of life."

"It's not part of life in Equestria," he said in a sober voice. The oven timer started beeping. That probably meant the muffins were ready. Spike didn't bother fetching them. Instead, the dragon entered the dorm area and sat on his bed across from me. There he remained silent, staring at me with his strange green eyes.

I continued eating my pancake. Damn dragon eyes. I no longer knew what made me feel worse: the thought of Jen dumping me or seeing how sad it made Spike. An eerie quiet filled the room. I reached for my magic book and opened to a random page, pretending I was catching up on some studying.

"Sorry I ripped your shirt." Spike broke the silence. "I'll get you a new one."

"Don't worry about it." Damn it. I had no idea what to say. "You excited for Star Wars: Bounty?" I changed the subject. "Tomatoes says there will be an equine force wielder."

That was an outright lie. To this day Hollywood, and most of the most the television networks, kept equines from getting large roles. The only exception was the UN ambassador Princess Luna; but then again who wouldn't want a semi-omnipotent princess who had the power to magically change her appearance? J.J. Abrams had openly mentioned he'd love for her to at least have a cameo role in his latest movie.

"I thought my love life was wonky," Spike sighed. The mention of his favourite franchise had no effect whatsoever. "Did I tell you the crush I had as a kid?"

To be honest he hadn't. He did mention having an ex, though—a matter I had chosen not to pursue further. Putting on the best smile I could manage I shook my head.

"When I was a whelp, Twi got an important job close to the capital," he began. His voice was almost as deep as that of a movie narrator. "A one day thing in some small village. There I met her," he sighed again.

I had no idea what to say. In his attempts to help me, Spike was making all this far too weird.

"Rarity," he leaned back, looking at the tapestry of the unicorn on the wall. "She was something. Still is..."

"She broke up with you?" I asked on instinct. The question made me think of Jen. It still felt strange that we had broken up. We had been avoiding each other for days, more. Twice I had almost phoned her to say we can't keep going on like this. And now that it had happened I felt strange, as if I was forgetting something.

"No." The dragon smiled, tapping the edge of the tapestry with his hand. "She never reciprocated. At the time I was upset she didn't acknowledge my feelings. Turned out she was sparing them all along. Crushes, eh? Can never forget them, no matter how much they sting."

"Yep." I took a sandwich from the table. Sharing breakup takes with a dragon. Who would have guessed. "You really know how to make someone feel like shit, don't you?" I let out a dry laugh.

"Yep." He grabbed an energy drink from the floor and gulped it down in one go. Weren't we pathetic? Two losers in a dorm bedroom pretty much covered in food. The RA was going to be pissed. "You ready for your magic exam?" He looked at me.

"Nope." I looked around for a can of beer. The only thing I could see were a few Monster drinks and an open carton of orange juice. "You?"

"Haven't even started," Spike laughed, throwing the empty can in the general direction of the kitchen. He then grabbed two new cans and tossed me one. "To breakups and exams." The dragon opened his and raised it in the air.

"To breakups and exams." I followed suit. Some things never changed regardless of species.

4. A New Professor

Exams suck. They always have and always will, yet the worst part is when I get a curve ball. After two days of non-stop studying, the faculty gets to surprise me with another bright idea. It wasn’t enough that they had crammed five encyclopedias in what passed as the official textbook, but they had invited an outside tutor to hold the exam—a unicorn tutor. So much for any mistake being overlooked. It was clear that the professors were covering their asses. Without their teaching guides they were just as crappy in magic as I was.

The experience was short and painful. The unicorn introduced herself as Apple Polish, wished us luck, then immediately started failing people. It took me less than a minute to tell she had spent half her life in academia. The annoyed boredom with which she corrected every fourth word of our straight-A students made two things very clear: bullshitting wouldn't word, and I was doomed. Someone hadn't read the memo that humans weren't of the same skill level as unicorns, it seems. Meanwhile, hiding among the faculty staff, in the corner of the room, the dean was wiping the sweat off his forehead. Of course, now he acts all worried.

"Mister Allen Rogers," the unicorn said in a somewhat British accent—High Canterlotian, from what I remembered of my talks with Jen. She would have loved to hear it. Knowing Jen, she would have started mimicking it within minutes. "Could you start, please?"

I shrugged. There was no way I could pass the exam. Under everyone's gaze I did the slow walk of shame up to the unicorn and waited. With the exception of Twilight, this was the first actual unimage I had seen. The first thing that struck me was how old the professor was, the oldest equine I had seen. Wrinkles round her eyes and muzzle made her look middle-age in a strange sort of way.

"Mister Rogers?" she repeated.

"Sorry, Miss," I began. "I—"

"Missus," she corrected, giving me a critical glance. "I've been happily married for over twenty five years."

The explanation only make the situation more awkward. I cleared my thoughts, faked a cough, then went on to illustrate how little I knew on the subject of magic. I barely managed to finish three sentences, when the unicorn shook her head with a sigh. That was it. Months of studying, days of crunching, all ending with me being flunked by a unicorn.

"I'm giving you a one month extension, Mister Rogers," she said. Immediately I glanced at the dean silently asking 'She can do that?' "Just please try to learn your core principles. Miss Jessica Clarence?" she called out to the next student. That was my cue to go. I grabbed my backpack, muttered something to notion of "good day," then left hall.

I spent the next few minutes wandering the halls. My phone rang a few times—Shiny Happy People by R.E.M, my mother's ringtone— but I ignored it. There was no way I was having a talk with my parent after this. Knowing my mother, she probably had guessed exactly how well the exam had gone since the calls stopped, replaced by texts. Those I also ignored. After a while I ended up in front of a vending machine. It was a newer model made to accommodate the influx of equine students. In general I didn't mind, but I found it annoying that the equines would go for the common items as well, leaving me to choose between sugar hay, daffodil crispies, and rose pudding.

"Yo, Allen!" A hand slammed on my shoulder, making me drop my backpack on the floor. "How'd it go, bro?"

"Dammit, Spike!" I snapped at him, grabbing my chest. I could feel my heart racing.

"Oops, my bad." He placed his arm round my shoulders, not in the least bit bothered he'd almost given me a heart attack. "So? What happened?"

"I failed! That's what happened!" I stepped away, trying to calm my pulse. Spike knew well enough to remain quiet for a while. Last time we'd almost gotten into a fight because of this. "Fifteen seconds," I added after a while. "She flunked me after fifteen seconds."

"Wow." The dragon frowned. "You're really crap. I thought Granny Red was cool with you and all."

"It wasn't Granny." I turned back towards the vending machine. "Dean brought some Equestrian unimage to do the test." I took out my credit card more out of habit. The corn dogs were disgusting even by my standards and I wasn't risking any equine food.

"Ouch. Sorry, buddy," Spike stood beside me.

"She didn't even let me finish my introduction." I kept playing with my card. "Told me I get to redo it in a month. As if that'll change much."

"Hey, it's a month. I'll get you someone to tutor you and—"

"Spike, I'm not getting lessons from—"

"Allen, you suck at magic!" He cut me short. Whoever said that honesty is a virtue clearly never had Spike for a roommate. "Just accept my help, stars almighty!" He raised his hands in the air. "Like, you're worse than a griffin virgin!"

The comment nearly made me drop my credit card. I'd heard far worse online, but that image—coming from Spike at that—felt so wrong. Yet another thing I hoped never to have to explain to Twilight.

"Seriously, bro. Just one week!" He went on. "If after that—"

"Ok, fine. Cool." I took my card from the floor, then punched a few keys on the vending machine. This wasn't a conversation I wanted to have. Agreeing, though, would at least give me a few hours of peace. "Just—" The vending machine spat out a plastic packet. I grabbed it without looking. It felt like beef jerky. That would have been well and all, when I remembered that college vending machines didn't offer beef jerky.

Chocolate hay. I wanted to scream. I looked at the price tag. Twenty-nine ninety-five.

"Damnit!" I hissed.

If it wasn't so damn expensive I'd laugh and leave it next to the vending machine. There was no way I'd throw away thirty dollars, though. Stupid trade agreements. That much for hay was absurd. We could easily produce the stuff here for a tench of the price, but no! Junk food corporations had lobbied long and hard and succeeded in having all foods from Equestria classified as imports. And now I was holding a packet of hay ten cents the gram.

"Today's just not your day, bro." Spike shook his head with chuckle. "Give me that. I'll pay you back next time we pass an ATM."

"Spike, it's cool," I began only to have the packet snatched out of my hands.

"Come on," Spike strode down the corridor. "Let me buy you a beer."

I followed. A beer sounded pretty sweet about now. Maybe two or three even. Might as well get a little buzzed. Failing an exam was just as an important occasion as passing it. Tonight I was going to figure out what to tell my parents.

One good thing about exams was that campus was for the most part empty. People were either studying their asses off or at a pub getting drunk. I went directly for the first bench I saw and sat down. If Jen was here I'd lie down under one of the trees.

"Spike." I looked at him. The dragon had already started eating the chocolate hay. Up close they looked like chocolate spaghetti. "Do you think—" I stopped. I didn't feel talking about her with Spike. Maybe I'd phone her tonight as well. Just to tell her about the exam, maybe chat a bit after.

"Yah?" Spike chomped down the last of the hay, crumbling the packet into a ball he put in his pocket.

"Nah, forget it." I reached for my pocket. I might as well see what my mom had texted me. "Just give me a sec and—"

"Mooom!" a yell cut me off mid sentence. "I don't believe this!"

Immediately, I turned to see what was going on. A short distance away, a cyan unicorn was shouting at someone in the building. She seemed familiar, though I couldn't quite place her name. Star Walker? Star Dancer? I remember she was one of the new transfer students freshly arrived from Equestria.

"You really came all the way to Earth just to keep an eye on me?" she yelled with enough fury to break glass. "What do you think I'll do? Become a salt-licker?!"

"Starshine!" a strict and remarkably familiar female voice said from inside. "I will not have you use such language, young lady!" A second unicorn appeared, the very same that had failed me ten minutes ago. "And not that it's any of your business, but I was personally invited by the establishment’s dean to act as a representative of the teacher exchange program. If you had paid any attention back home, you might have remembered this."

"Exchange program?!" Starshine kicked some dirt in the air. This was one of the amusing and scary things about equines: direct to a point and not ashamed of getting into fights in public. I still remember the exchange of hooves I had witnessed at a party a few months back. Two males had nearly kicked the teeth out of each other, then went back to being best friends the very next day.

"Starshine, you're overacting." Apple Polish shook her head. "Now please come with me to the dean's office so we could discuss your grades."

"You're impossible, you know that?" The unicorn was still shouting, but I could spot tears in her eyes. Talk about harsh. And I thought I had problems. "I spent six months studying my flank off just so I could get away from you, and you waltz in here and continue as if nothing happened? Well, you can go to the dean and discuss my future, but don't expect me to gallop with joy because of it!" She turned around and galloped off.

I didn't say a word. Instead I looked around to see the reactions of everyone else who saw the scene. A few were speechless like me. More were checking their phones, probably posting a recording on YouTube.

"She's got it real bad," Spike whispered. "I'd freak if Twi became a teacher here."

"Yep," I nodded, shivering at the thought. "I'd freak as well." Maybe twice as much.

"Wanna grab a beer?"

"You still buying?"

"Sure thing." He grinned.

"Let's go." I checked my phone. Three missed calls, two texts asking how the exam went, one more telling me it's all right and wishing me luck next time. Parents. I smiled. Can't live with them, can't live without them. At the end of the day mine were still cool, no matter what I said.

5. Random Occasion

I spent eighty minutes on the phone: half a minute with my father, twenty with my mother getting my father to calm down, and close to an hour trying to phone Jen. It's funny how the silliest things seem so difficult. I had a speech ready, full with excuses and all, yet each time I looked at her I just couldn't get myself to tap the screen. In the end I just sent a message explaining I failed my exam. A few minutes later, I sent another asking how she was doing. That was ten minutes ago. Still no reply.

Throwing the phone aside, I flopped onto my bed. The smell of pepperoni pizza mixed with soy sauce irritated my nostrils, but not enough to get me to get back up. Instead, I just turned my head to the side to find the source of the stench. The room was a complete mess. Cans, post-it notes, and food carton remains covered the floor like a carpet. I instantly recognized a sketch of the inner vortex conductivity principle.

"Argh!" I put my hand over my face. Maybe should have started with that at the exam? It was complex enough to show that at least I had done some studying. Big deal that I didn't completely understand it. "Stupid unimage." I groaned at the unfairness of the universe. At any human teacher I would have gotten a C, maybe a B- if I was lucky. But call-me-missus had to transfer here to keep an eye on her daughter. For a moment I wondered if anyone in my class had passed. After ten seconds of fumbling about for it, I finally found it and sent a message to my class group. Unsurprising, several people had beat me to it.

"That bag," I said, half laughing as I looked at the screen. "She really failed all of—"

The noise of rattling keys outside the door grabbed my attention. I elbowed up just enough to get a good look of who else was going to ruin my day. Even with Spike as a roommate I'd have a hard time explaining how the place had become a decrepit stench pit in the two weeks since his last visit. As the door began to open I imagined in horror the dean popping for his obligatory apology after he messed up. Not that he cared about my self esteem—he just wanted to be sure I wasn't saying anything bad to Spike who could then convey it to Princess Twilight.

"Yo, bro!" My kilted dragon roommate popped in. "I totally forgot! Grab some clothes and let's get going!"

"Where?" I asked, skipping the obvious questions.

"Birthday, dude." He tiptoed through the mess on the floor to his wardrobe. "Frostfoot invited us over a few weeks back. With you studying and the Jen thing, I totally forgot."

"What else is new?" I relaxed back down on the bed. "Have fun. I've stuff to do."

"Huh-uh." He took out two kilts, gave them a quick glance, then threw one back in the wardrobe. "You're coming too, even if I have to dragon breath you."

"Dude, I really don't feel it." By the sound of the name it was probably an all Equestria party. "I just want to get some Z’s and—"

"Come on, Allen!" Spike grabbed a towel, then made for the shower. "If I leave you you'll be moping in this mess for days. Besides, I want to introduce you to someone."

"Someone?" That grabbed my attention. I had grown to know the nuances of the collective noun. "Did you invite Jen?" The sound of the shower was the only answer I got. "Spike!" I sat up. "Don't mess with me."

"Chill, bro." I heard him through the sound of the shower. "Jen won't be there. I mean she was invited, but after last time, I doubt she'll show."

That answered one question. At least I knew the party was mixed. Not that there was any reason for me to go. I didn't know any Frostfoot on campus, which meant she—I definitely pictured her as a she—had to be a recent transfer.

"Besides, you owe me for the hay and the beers." Even with all the noise I could hear his snigger. "Just a few hours. If you don't like it you can leave."

I slid both hands down my face. It was always the same with him. Then again, maybe I needed to get hammered right now?

"You win," I said in mock defeat. "I'm getting drunk, though!"

"Sure thing, buddy," he laughed and continued showering. While waiting, I decided to gather the trash on the floor. That way at least I wouldn't worry about waking up in a carpet of trash. Also, it was an excuse for me to finish the last can of beer in the fridge.

Spike took ten minutes to finish with his shower. It remained a mystery why it took him so long. He wasn’t shedding, that was for sure, and yet he stayed there twice as long as anyone I've known. To make him even more annoying, he took less than a minute to dry himself and get dressed. By the time he was done, I had not only cleaned the dorm, but also rearranged my wardrobe, put my study materials at the bottom of my desk drawer, and found some time to browse through Facebook. Drunken Spike hugging jackets had become a popular meme, not that the dragon cared. To my surprise and horror Twilight had also left a few comments under some of them. The lack of scrolls and dream visits the last few days made me feel uneasy. I couldn't say I knew the princess that well, but based on past experience she was either furious, or put her anger on hold until after Spike's exam. Either way I could sense a storm brewing.

Jen had set her status to "it's complicated." Better than "single" I suppose, though not by much. I went through her profile page. Nothing else had changed, she hadn't unfriended me yet. I wondered whether I should change my status as well, but in the end I didn't. There'd always be time for that in the morning.

"We're out of beer," I shouted once I heard the water stop running. "And I'm throwing away the soy sauce."

"Any energy drinks left?" Spike cracked the bathroom door open.

"You're kidding, right?"

"Dude! I've an exam in two days," he sighed. Funny he should mention that, since I hadn't seen him study one bit. If he seriously thought he could cram everything in two days he was in for a surprise. "You ready?"

"I was waiting for you to finish so I could shower." I looked him in the eye.

"Right, right." He jumped out, the towel round his waist. "Sorry, man. I'm not all here today. Take your time, I'll double check on the gift."

Shaking my head I went into the bathroom. It was beyond nice having one. Before I was moved to the fancy-building, I had to share one with everyone on the floor, which meant going to shower at half-past two, when most people were busy playing Overwatch. That said, Spike was a worse bathroom slob than me.

The shower was quick and relaxing. When I went out Spike was already dressed and writing something at the desk.

"What's that?" I asked casually. Going to the clothes I had left aside on my bed.

"Some poetry for Cuddles," he replied without looking up.

"Cuddles" was Spike's current girlfriend. I had only seen pictures of her, but I knew Spike loved her insanely much—enough to take a second major in English to be able to send her better letters. Hopefully, those two didn't end like me and Jen.

"Who's Frostfoot?" I asked, pulling a shirt on.

"New kid — a pegasus." Spike put the pen in his mouth, then moved waved claw around in search of inspiration. "Nice, but might come out as a bit bratty. Her sister is a big-shot back home."

"Spike—" I pulled my jeans up "—your guardian is a big shot."

"Well, yeah, sort of." He scribbled a few more words. "But there are different types. Twi's always close to everyone. She'll even be okay to help you with your magic—"

"Moving on," I cut him short. I was in no mood for having this conversation again. "And if you're setting me up to—"

"Dude, stop being paranoid." Spike rolled up the scroll, then burped on it. Green flames engulfed it, teleporting it all the way to its target. I could think of at least five companies that would give anything to learn the secret of that little trick. Of course there were also that much that didn't. "It's not her, okay? Trust me for once, will you?"

It would have been easy to start an argument, but I kept my mouth shut. The day was bad enough as it was to get into a raw with him. It wasn't his fault, he just didn't know better.

"Where are we going?" I passed a comb through my hair.

"Equestrian dorm." Spike stood up. "Rooftop," he added with a grin.

Despite everything I chuckled. Rooftop usually mean two things: pegasi and heavy drinking. Judging by Spike's expression, probably both. There was some small part of me that wanted to back out and just get some sleep. A look back at the things I'd been through the last few days quickly changed my mind.

"Let's go." I tapped my pockets to make sure I'd taken my set of keys and my phone. Echoes of hope still lingered in my mind that Jen might text me back or even call. "What time does it start?"

"Eight." Spike straightened the collar of his jacket, then his kilt. "But we need to go through a place first." The dragon took a post-it from his pocked and blew fire on it. "We need to get a present."

6. V for Violet's

V for Violet's—probably the only flower shop within an hour's drive. Until Spike dragged me here, I had no idea such a place existed. I remember being dragged to a professional florist's by my mother as a child. She was going through another phase back then, and since I was only in second grade, I had become an unwilling volunteer to her flower shopping. Two things came to mind thinking back to that time: the sheer size of the store and how boring my visits were. V for Violet's was nothing like that. It looked more like a cornershop, if one could call a lone building ten minutes from the nearest road. On the door, under the Open sign, was a notice that the shop had a strict No Car Policy, as well as a Class C Flower certificate.

"We're crashing the party, aren't we?" I turned to Spike.

"Nah, dude, nah." He shook his hands. "I just thought—"

"Spike, we're here buying flowers half an hour before a birthday." It wasn't that I couldn't use the drink. I just had a thing against party crashing. Between Spike and my gamer friends it wasn't like there was a shortage of invitations, so I had never adopted the practice. Spike, though, was the sort of person who would go in the direction of music, knock on the door, and ask to join in. Worse, he could get away with it too.

"Wow, seriously, dude?" He gave me his trademark what-the-heck-do-you-even-culture look.

"Am I missing something?" I looked at the shop. Flowers, flowers, and more flowers. If there was any deeper meaning to all this, I wasn't seeing it.

The dragon shook his head, then went inside. I followed close behind. The inside of the shop was pretty much what I expected: shelves and shelves of flowers, occasionally broken up by miniature pots and baskets. A middle aged man stood at the counter. Upon seeing us he quickly smiled and straightened up.

"Good evening to you." He seemed remarkably welcoming having in mind that a dragon had just walked in. "Welcome to Violet's. Is there anything I could help you with?"

"Yeah, we want a dozen roses," Spike said.

"Good choice." The man stepped from behind the counter. "Would that be red, white, or yellow?"

"Nah, the other roses," Spike corrected.

"Oh, right." The man let out an embarrassed laugh. "Of course. My mistake. When I saw you, I thought..."

"It's fine," Spike laughed as well, far less tense than the shopkeeper. "It's for a birthday party. I called an hour ago?"

"Oh, right." The man slapped himself on the forehead. "Spike, right? Sorry for the mix up. I was expecting someone else entirely."

"I get that a lot. No worries."

"So, you ordered a dozen of Violet's Special?" The man grabbed his tablet from the counter and started swiping through what I could tell to be a flower catalogue. "Would that be naturelle or dethorned?"

"Do you do destemmed?" Spike moved to look at the tablet screen. "I'd really like them boxed."

"That might take a while. If you don't mind waiting for a few minutes?" The man scratched his ear. "There's also a five dollar fee."

"No probs," Spike said, not a care in the world. "Just use a blue box if you have one."

"I'll see what we have out back." The man laughed then gave Spike a pat on the back. I could feel my inner self rage. There was no explanation how Spike managed to be treated the way he did. People either loved him or hated him, more often loved him. As for equines—they all adored him.

"Spike," I whispered once the shopkeeper left the general area of the store. "What the heck are we buying?"

"Didn't you read the sign?" He arched a brow. "The shop has a C certificate."

"What the heck is a C certificate?" I hissed. In magic theory that stood for having a teleport license. I strongly doubted that was the case here. "What did you get me involved in?"

"C as in Consumables?" Spike crossed his arms. "As in food? You know, the thing you do once in awhile?"

"Get out of here!" I shoved him. The CDC, as well as the Equestrian equivalent, had imposed a mutual quarantine on the majority of organic foods. In theory no food went between worlds without two series of vigorous tests to ensure that neither side would end up with a new stepson or killed weed or deadly virus. "No way this place is importing flowers from Equestria."

"Well, duh." Spike rolled his eyes. "They're just a franchise. The flowers are Earth grown following Equestrian standards and practices. None of the chemical crap you use." I stared at him, speechless. "The way things are going, I think they'll loosen regulations on hay products. Then you wouldn't have to pay thirty bucks for a packet of chocolate hay," he snickered.

My mind was blown. From what I remembered from Facebook, Equestria was in the process of negotiating with the FDA to recognize flowers as a food product. Until that happened, flower producers could pump the plants with any chemical concoction they wished to make their products grow faster and last longer. Only a pony could get the idea to franchise flower growing for food. I could already see a chain of shops rivaling Starbucks and McDonald's a few years down the line… providing ponies composed a more sizable part of the population. It was difficult not to be impressed.

"So," I took a deep breath. "We're here half an hour before the party to buy a box of chocolates?" Now it was my turn to give him the look. "We're totally crashing the party, aren't we?"

"Allen, dude, learn to chill, okay?" He placed his hand on my shoulder. "Nopony will throw you out. You'll have a great time, you'll see!"

I didn't react. The only reason I still wanted to go was because the last thing I wanted was to get drunk in my dorm alone playing online shooters. That would be beyond depressing. I suppose it was still possible for me to check on Jen and see if we can't patch things up. She hadn't replied to any of my texts so far' though.

"I'm telling you, it'll be so worth it!" Spike kept insisting. "Frostfoot will like you. Besides, there will be music, dancing, booze," he started enumerating.

"Spike, I haven't bailed on you. I'm just pissed you didn't tell me we would be crashing." I was also upset about a few other things. "I just think that going with a box of flowers is a bit cheap."

Thankfully, the shopkeeper returned before we could start another argument. The box he had chosen was more white than blue, though personally, I thought that was the least of our concerns. I had to admit the arrangement was superb. Four rows of three violet rose blossoms each filled the space, each carefully held in place by a paper tray. If nothing else we'd at least get A for class.

"Here you go." Spike handed the man his credit card as I kept on admiring the assortment. "Could we also have a card?"

"Sure thing," the shopkeeper pressed the card against the cash terminal, then gave it to Spike to input his PIN number. "We don't have equine cards, though. Just the standard ones."

"They'll be great." The design put the card in his kilt pouch. "Got many customers?"

"Things can always be better, but I'm not complaining. I already have a few regulars," he took out a small blank card from a drawer at the counter and gave it to Spike. "Most of them pegasuses." The word made me cringe. I'd heard more than enough politicians use it on media outlets to want it banned. Sadly the older generation had grown to love it. "There's one unicorn. Sweet girl by the name of Poppy. She comes to stock up every Tuesday morning like clockwork. A basket of lilies and begonias."

The name sounded familiar. If I wasn't mistaken she was a linguistics major, a year ahead of Jen. She was the quiet bookish type that kept to herself and avoided parties. The only times I'd seen her was when visiting Jen.

"Well I'll be sure to drop the name of this place at the party." Spike took the rosebox. "Have a great evening."

"Hope to see you again," the man said as we were going out. "Have fun at the party."

I checked the time—nearly twenty to one. With luck we'd be at the party round half past. Not bad, considering we were crashing.

"That guy was nice," Spike said, as we started our long walk to the car.

"Spike, with the amount you spent on flowers he better be nice," the cynical part of me yelled out. "How much did all this cost?"

"One hundred twenty-nine," he said without batting an eye.

"Holy heck, dude!" I nearly choked. I could buy a decent laptop for that. Well, semi-decent. "You're crazy, you know that?"

"Well, if we're gonna crash a party, we might as well do it in style, eh?" He laughed. Point one for Spike. There's no way such a gift could be considered cheap.

"So, this Frostfoot, she'll be cool that I'm there, right?" For some reason I felt nervous. Possibly because despite have a dragon roommate I'd never been particularly close to equines.

"You'll be fine," Spike insisted. "Besides, I'll told you There's someone I want to introduce you to."

"Sure thing, bro." I checked my phone again. Still no messages from Jen. "Sure thing."

7. Risks of Party Crashing

Equestrian parties, there's nothing like them. Only way to describe it was a children's party, but with alcohol. Very, very strong alcohol. Meanwhile, here I was sitting in a corner of the rooftop, beer and vodka in front of me, listening to equine mares discuss stallions. When Spike had pestered me to come, he had conveniently left a few things out. Not only were the guests predominantly equine, but—with the exception of him and me—they were all female.

"Is this my life?" I tilted my glass. A short distance away, Spike was laughing his face off with the birthday-girl. I took another drink of my beer. Once the party was over, I was going to calmly take him to the dorm and kill him with a pillow!

"Is the place taken?" A blue unicorn asked. She seemed slightly familiar, but I was busy paying attention to nothing in particular. Glass in hand, I indicated for her to sit down. "Seems I'm not the only sourpuss," she added, relaxing on the floor across from me. "What's your excuse?"

"I broke up with my girlfriend a few days ago," I replied without thinking. The alcohol had made me a bit wonky. "You?"

"Good question," she did the sort of sad laugh that screamed "explanations to come." Mentally I sighed. I wasn't in the mood for listening to someone else's problems, especially an equine I hardly knew. "I saw you wandering through the halls this morning."

The comment piqued my curiosity. I looked at her trying to remember where I knew her from. It didn't help that the only light came from a bunch of Christmas decorations scattered about the roof in chaotic fashion.

"Starshine," she said, seeing my confusion. "My mom failed you this morning."

"Oh." I must have been like a zombie back then. At least I didn't have it as bad as— "Oooh." My mind clicked.

"Oh is right," Starshine smiled. "Can I have some of that?" She pointed at my beer.

"Err, sure," I said. To my surprise it was the bottle of vodka that levitated towards her. "That bad?"

"You have no idea." Starshine took a swig from the bottle then—after drinking a quarter of it—levitated it onto the table with a slam. "From tomorrow I'll start being known as a teacher's pet, my grades will take a dive, and I doubt I'll get invited to parties ever again." She took another drink, this time smaller. "Oh, and I can say goodbye to finding a coltfriend. Not that I stood a chance."

On the inside I cringed. In the last hour I'd heard enough if such stories—some in scary detail—to last me a lifetime. Despite that, I leaned forward faking interest.

"I'm sure that's not true," I resorted to standard response.

"Just look at her," the unicorn shook her head in the direction of the birthday girl. "Nineteen and she's already got a frost-cloud license and a full athletic scholarship," Starshine levitated the bottle for another gulp. "Bet you couldn't tell we're roommates."

"Well I have jacket-hugger there for a roomie." I pointed at Spike.

The comment made the unicorn chuckle. Apparently, she had been following Facebook. As much as I was ashamed, I’d played a role in the birth of a top ten meme. It would have been a bit more worthwhile if Spike had taken any issue. Instead, I had a long talk with the dean who kept on stressing the importance of human-equine relations for humanity in general and the school in particular. In other words, I was asked to keep an eye on Spike and, above all, hide any and all indiscretions from his legal guardian.

"Want to switch?" Starshine looked at me.

"Heck, yeah!" I wasn't sure if the booze was getting to her, or to me, but the idea sounded damn amusing. It would be hilarious Spike's face once he figured I had ditched him for the pegasus golden girl. "Let's—"

"Bro!" The dragon in question appeared at my table and grabbed me by the arm. "Quick, I gotta introduce you to Frostfoot."

Before I could say a word Spike dragged me out of the my seat. Dazzled, I turned towards Starshine offering a shrug as some sort of apology. The unicorn smiled, saying something along the lines of "have fun" that got drowned in the sudden burst of music—Equestrian bootleg, as far as I could tell.

"Frost." Spike placed me on top of the makeshift bar. "This is Allen—my roommate and the cool dude who chose our party crashing gift." He winked at me. I so much wanted to kill him right now, but all I could do was twist my lips in an uncomfortable smile.

"Ah, so you're that guy?" Frostfoot looked at me in mock anger. Her voice was raspy, as if she'd been to a metal concert. "Well, let me tell you." She hovered up and gave me a kiss on the cheek. "You're welcome to crash my parties anytime."

I nearly blanked out as a rush of adrenaline shit into my veins. My mind had completely blocked, trying to figure out how high in x-factor to place what just happened. Slowly, I moved my hand to my cheek to make sure it was still there. A series flashes caught my attention. As petrified as a statue, I turned to my left. The first thing I could see was a mobile phone. The second—Spike's hand holding it… in a manner ideal for taking pictures.

"Gotcha," he shove me with his shoulder. Across me Frostfoot burst out laughing.

"Spike, what the hell!" I felt my face burn like August in Miami.

"I know something that's going right on Facebook." The dragon started tapping something on his phone. "Prepare to be memed," he sneered.

"You were in on this?" I looked at Frostfoot still half in panic.

"Sorry, Allen, you're so not my type," the pegasus gave me a tap on the shoulder. "You're fun, though. Feel free to drop by anytime. If you can handle it."

"That's Frostfoot for you." Spike shoved a can of beer in my hands. "Kid sister of a Wonderbolt elite."

"Yeah, I'm a big deal," the pegasus joked, but her attention was elsewhere. "Give me just a second. Have to deal with some shit." She flew off. "Yo, Vapor! I told you not to bring any thunderclouds!" I heard her shout. Seems no matter the species parties always had the same problems. "You want to wreck the place?!"

"So, what do you think?" Spike took another selfie of us. "Having fun yet?"

Unlike most of my friends, Spike's idea of getting someone to have fun was blasting the fun into you with a sledgehammer. Up to now it had always been me educating him in party culture, which was a bit weird since I was an introvert by nature. Spike, on the other hand, was a party animal and it only took a little poking to get him out of his shell. I wonder if his guardian was anything like him.

"Seriously?" I put the beer away. "An all-girl party?"

"Hey, chill! You haven't partied until you've been to a pegasus birthday." The dragon took the beer and put it back into my hand. At times he was as subtle as a pie in the face. "It's not like anyone minds. I'm telling you, you'll be the talk of campus!"

"That's what I'm worried about," I grumbled.

"Just try to—" Spike's mobile went off—some kpop song I'd never heard before. Most often the dragon would just leave the phone ringing or, if he feels generous, cancel the call and phone back later. This time he put it to his ear with speed I didn't think possible. "Heeeey!" He said with a smile that would make the Cheshire Cat envious. "How are things? Did you make it?" He turned at me, pointing at the phone with his free hand. I nodded, still very much clueless. "You just need to go through customs and quarantine?"

Then it hit me. Only Equestrian arrivals passed through quarantine. Technically the term was Health, Disease, and Adaptability check up, but "quarantine" had caught on to the extent that even officials had started using it freely. From what I remember from the net the process was similar to going to the vet, and just as hated.

"Yeah, yeah, I hear you." Spike shook his head. "Just be your usual self and you'll be fine. I'll go pick you up in a bit, okay?" He started pacing around me. "Uh-huh. Uh-huh. No, it's fine. I'll take care of that. Trust me, it's cool."

The call continued for a minute more, mostly Spike nodding and agreeing with what was said on the other side. The only time I'd seen him like this was when he got his first call. Back then he was in awe of the device, thinking of it as a rare magical artifact. Sadly, his fascination had quickly waned. Since then, he had broken three phones and lost two more, both mine, and sent five to friends in Equestria. I didn't have the heart to tell him that Earth tech circuits couldn't survive the magic during the transport process.

"No, seriously, don't." Spike rolled his eyes, waving his free hand around. "Okay, think of it as a sort of vacation, then. It's not like anyone here will care." This time I managed to make out some agitated noise coming from his phone. "Trust me, okay? I'm telling you, you'll fit right in." Noticing my interest, the dragon looked me right in the eye and game me a thumbs up. I already knew nothing good would come of this. "Right. I'm on my way! See you soon." He hung up.

"What was that about?" I ventured to ask, but Spike had already entered rush mode.

"No time," he pushed past me. "Must fetch a VIP from E-gate. Hey, can anypony give me a lift to E-gate? Two to fly back?"

If anyone else had asked, they'd have been laughed out of the party. However, this was Spike, so he got not two but three pegasi to fly him to the nearby Equestrian gate. Meanwhile, I was left alone at the bar, a can of beer in my hand, feeling worse than ever. At this point the best I could do was to go back to my dorm.

I glanced at the beer—German label, not the cheap campus stuff. Only way I'd get to have one of these was to pester Spike to buy some, which after the two drunken incidents were unlikely to happen.

"You win, beer," I said more to myself than to anyone else. "I'll finish you and then leave."

"Allen?" I heard the semblance of a voice through the music. Popping my can open, I took a sip and turned around. I expected to see some other equine I'd met at a party. Instead, I was caught completely unprepared for what I saw.

"Jen?" I choked on my beer.

8. Magic and Exes

"Allen, what the fuck are you doing here?" Jen asked in a tone of voice that made me feel guilty for existing.

"Spike invited me!" I said, like a schoolboy caught shoplifting. "He said that you wouldn't be here!"

The moment I said that I wanted to jump off the rooftop. Now things weren't only awkward, I had practically accused her of party crashing in public. If she wasn't mad a moment ago, she definitely was now. Jen crossed her arms then sighed one of those sighs reserved for breakups. I felt a sharp pain in my stomach. Desperately, I tried to think of something to say to patch up things, yet the only thing looping in my mind was a stupid Monkey Island meme phrase: "You're gonna kill us... again!"

"So he's the one," Jen's equine friend said, narrowing her eyes in scorn. "A fine piece of crap. I never knew what you saw in him anyway."

"Marsha, please not now." My ex made a sign to the mare to stay quiet. I didn't have to be a pegasus to see that right now both of them hated my guts. Jen, of course, was an Olympic record holder in that discipline. No pony could come close. "If you must know, Ellie invited me, and it was too late to back out. Not that I expected I'd run into my ex-boyfriend at an all-mare party!"

The way she stressed on ex-boyfriend sent mixed signals. A number of ponies in the immediate area turned my way. Thank god the music was booming like crazy. Last thing I needed was Jen to yell my relationship in a group of college mares.

"You're not a mare." My sneakiness reared its ugly head.

"Really? That's what you have to say?" she hissed. "I'm not a mare?" Her glance moved from my face to the can of beer I was still holding. "That's your answer for everything, isn't it? Have problems—go party."

I just stood there, trying to keep up with the conversation. Jen was obviously mad at me, yet I had no clue why exactly. Was it because I had gone to the party? Because I was drinking? Because the party was for mares only? Accusations started pouring one after the other, each more confusing than the last, until I finally lost it.

"Shit, Jen, I don't need your permission to go to a party!" At this point the only thing I had left was to up the ante and go on the offensive. "Spike told me he'll hook me up with a magic tutor, not that it's any of your business. And I won't leave a cool party because you showed up!" And just to spite her I took a gulp of my beer.

"Fine!" my ex said. "Marsha—" She turned to the earth mare next to her. "—you have fun. I'm leaving."

"Like Tartarus you are!" The equine put her hoof on Jen's jacket. "I'm done watching you be miserable because of this jerk!"

Whoa, where did that come from? I blinked. Jen was having a bad time? And she didn't tell me? My view of the situation took a one-eighty. The shit I'd gotten the last few minutes—heck, the last few days—didn't matter. The only thing on my mind was how we could get back together. Come to think of it I might have been a bit pushy—twenty three messages not counting Facebook. Excessive was one way of putting it, even if I only did it because I cared.

It's now or never. I took a step forward. The earth mare had started an unbreakable monologue. All this time I thought that Spike was annoying, I had no idea what ponies were when they started. Five minutes in and Marsha hadn't paused to task a breath. The despair in Jen's eyes was obvious. Of course, if it had been me talking she'd cut me off after ten seconds.

"Jen, I..." I reached towards her shoulder.

In my mind I had it all planned out: a silly joke, a quirky comment, an offer for emotional support. Just like the first time we met. I was a smartass who was discussing Marxist-Equine principles with a unicorn, trying to impress people; Jen was a freshman being yelled at for entering the equine toilet by accident. Being idiot I was, I had gone to her, placed my hand on her shoulder and said as loud as possible "Hey, we don't need their shit!" The comment had gotten me a corridor of laughs, a few hundred comments on Facebook, and my first one hour talk in the dean's office. A few weeks later Jen and I had officially become a couple.

"Remember when—"

"Don't you dare, bipants!" Marsha snarled. Her hoof smacked my arm like a baseball bat hitting a ball. "I'm this close to kicking you off the roof!" She stretched her neck, shocking her face into mine. "This close! Only reason I don't is 'cause this heartbroken idiot still cares about you, even after everything you've done!"

Tears of pain filled my eyes. Whichever idiot journalist said that Equestrians were meek and fragile had never seen a horse in his life! I'd seen angry ponies kick cars out of parking lots for double parking. What people tended to forget was that equines remained horses, and horses were damned strong. I glanced about, hoping someone would intervene. No such luck.

"If you don't want me—" the equine rose her hoof.

"Marsha, it's fine!" Jen said a step away. For a second I thought I saw her trembling. "Let's just go somewhere else, okay?"

The equine snorted in my face, then followed Jen through the crowd of ponies. Shaking, I leaned against the first solid thing I could reach. My heart was beating so fast that my fingers were shaking.

Why did I have to come to this stupid birthday?! My arm burned like hell, it might be broken for I knew, Facebook was probably flooded with pictures of me being kissed by a pegasus, Spike was out to bring me a "magic tutor". Even vodka couldn't fix this!

"Allen?" Starshine made her way to me through the mass of dancing ponies. "What was that?"

"Hey." I tried to smile. "Just my ex. Things are complicated right now." Probably was the understatement of the year.

"Let me take a look at that." She reached for my arm. My immediate reaction was to pull it away. "Relax," Starshine assured me. "I've studied this stuff." A soft magic glow surrounded my arm. It felt pleasantly warm, like putting my arm in a bucket of heated water. "Nasty kick. Nothing broken, though." The glow intensified, peeling away the pain layer by layer. "I'd stay away from Marsha. Swamp ponies have a temper. Don't know what you did to your ex to get her so fired up."

Me?! The way I remembered it, Jen was the one who started avoiding me in the first place! She had insisted on having some space until finals were over. Even the breakup was her idea.

"Sorry. It's not my business," Starshine said, looking away from my face and towards my arm. "Try to stay still."

The instant she said that I tried to move my fingers. Starlight chucked. The aura around my forearm started pulsing. Transfiguration-healing magic, as far as I could tell. Or maybe regenerative? Fuck! I shook my head. All that studying and I couldn't identify a common spell. Maybe I really needed a magic tutor?

Whatever the spell was, it did its stuff. The pain had gone completely. Once the glow had faded I moved my hand and fingers about. No wonder that big pharma and doctors unions were opposed to healing magic. A dozen unicorns per hospital and they'd be out of a job. How much would unicorns charge, though?

"Want something to drink?" Starshine asked. A mini bottle of vodka levitated its way in front of me.

"Are you trying to get me drunk?" I laughed. Joking aside, this was strong stuff. For me, that is. According to reddit, equines could consume five times as much alcohol as humans before feeling the effects. The polar opposite of Spike, who I'd seen get smashed from a six pack of bud.

"Only if it works," Starshine giggled. "No, you actually were drinking that when I joined you so, I thought it was your thing."

"I was?" To be honest I had no memory. "Might as well," I grabbed the bottle. With luck it would help me blank out the events of the last hour. "Here's to magic and exes." I waved the vodka in Starshine's direction. "The two most hazardous things in the universe!"

"I'll take your word for it." Starshine levitated a bottle of her own. Watching her gulp it down in one take made me feel completely inadequate. Way to end the evening. "Can't be that bad since you're still standing."

"Yeah, right," I laughed. "I bet the dinosaurs felt the same way the first ten seconds after the comet struck. I—"

"Yo, all!" A magically amplified yell boom from above, cutting through the noise and music of the party. "I'm back! And guess who I've brought with me!"

I looked up. From this distance I could barely make out a group of pegasi against the night sky. Spike was riding on one of them, waving both arms like a total idiot. Little surprise there. And next to him was—

"My fucking stars!" Starshine said. "You got to be kidding me!"

9. Star Magic Tutor

When I was younger, I used to hate the types that would drive a limo to a party. The one time it had happened to me was back in high school, when some jerk had borrowed his father’s Porsche to try and look like a celebrity. I had told myself that I would never become “that guy” or be friends with anyone who was. Then Spike happened. He never did it on purpose—personally, I don’t think he ever considered it a big deal—but every now and again he’d do something that would make me wish I wasn’t there. Right now, I hadn’t the slightest clue what he had caused, but judging by everyone’s reaction, it was huge.

“He just had to bring her here,” Starshine hissed beside me.

The ‘her’ in question was a white unicorn that had curled up on the back of one of the arriving pegasi, trembling uncontrollably. Looking at her, I couldn’t tell what the fuss was about. Spike had mentioned she was a VIP fresh from Equestria, but so was practically everyone else here. Judging by the amount of levitating cellphones, the others disagreed.

“That’s right! That’s right!” Spike shouted, waking his hand in the air. “Did I liven up the party or what?”

“Some celeb?” I asked Starshine, as the phrase “Sweetie Belle” started circulating among the crowd.

“No.” Starshine snorted. “One of the celebs. She’s a sundamned pop idol. Everypony without nipples is crazy about her!” Even drunk, I could feel the spite in her voice. “Can this week get any worse?”

Since I had no idea what the argument was about, I just nodded. On another corner of the roof, Spike landed and offered a hand to the white unicorn to step down. The moment she did, Sweetie Belle was rushed by half the mares. Apparently the laws of stardom were the same in both worlds.

“She seems nice,” I said, taking another gulp of my drink.

“Oh, she’s very nice,” Starshine said through her teeth. “As long as you don’t mind her being the sender of attention.” She took a deep breath. “Sorry, I’ve just been having a tough day.” Starshine attempted a smile. It was beyond forced. “Sweetie Belle is fine, she’s just not somepony I wanted nearby right now.”

“Hey, don’t worry!” I put my hand on Starshine’s head. Somewhere deep inside my head, a small voice was shouting this was a bad idea. The desire to console the mare quickly drowned it into silence. “She’s got nothing on—”

“Allen, bro!” A firm grasp grabbed me by the shoulder, pulling me away mid-word. “Come here! You just got to meet someone.”

“Spike, geez!” In my mind I stood my ground, refusing to budge from my spot. Reality and alcohol, though, were of a different opinion, making me go along with the dragon as it were my idea. “I was in the middle of a conversation!”

I looked back, trying to find Starshine. The crowd was still there, but the mare had disappeared, probably gone off somewhere to be alone. I felt sort of bad. I could have used a normal conversation for a change. Maybe even an understanding shoulder to cry on.

“Allen—” Spike spun me around until I was facing the white mare; in this light, her mane seemed a weird combination of purplish pink “—meet Sweetie Belle,” the dragon announced, as if I was supposed to know the name. “We go back. Sweets, this is my crazy roommate who taught me everything I know about Earth.”

I raised my vodka in probably the stupidest greeting possible.

“Don’t let the stoic expression fool you.” The dragon nudged me. “He’s a party machine.” He then tapped me on the back. “And just a bit drunk.”

“I’m not!” I protested, waving my hand about. For some reason, it all seemed so funny. “No, seriously, I’m fine.” At least fine enough to remain standing. The unicorn didn’t seem too impressed, but kept smiling politely. “Does Spike treat you the same way he treats me?” I shouted as a new wave of music filled the air. “If so, I sympathize. Don’t feel obliged to—”

“Sweetie will be helping you with your magic test,” the dragon interrupted. “She’s, like, really good, and she isn’t Twilight!”

I felt as if a block of concrete had landed on my brain. Only Spike would be crazy enough to drag someone over from Equestria after I explicitly told him I didn’t want a magic teacher. Not only that, but he had deliberately announced it in the most public fashion possible. There was no way for me to say no now without looking like a jerk.

I’ll get you for this, Spike. I let out a polite laugh.

“Sweetie, say something, will you?” The dragon nudged her with his elbow. “People would say I forced you to be here.”

“Didn’t you?” Sweetie laughed. “But, yes, it’s just flight lag and all that.”

“First time to Earth?” Oh dear. This tended never to end well.

“Yeah, and I really need to get some sleep.” She yawned, covering her mouth with her forehoof. “Thanks for the pickup, Spike. And great to meet you, Allen, I’ll be seeing you later.”

Before I could respond, a flash of light surrounded the unicorn and spirited her away. My jaw dropped. Spike wasn’t joking. I had just witnessed a first rate teleportation spell. There was a lot written about it in textbooks, but having one done so effortlessly and one a whim was something else. The party continued in full force around me, but I barely registered it. My mind was too busy trying to make sense of what it had witnessed, replaying the teleportation in an endless loop.

“What did I tell you?” Spike slammed his hand on my shoulder. “With her there’s no way you’ll fail your exam... again.”

“Well, it’s not a complete disaster.” I tried to keep my cool, but my heart was rushing as if I’d just opened a rare item from a loot box. “I’m still mad at you.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Spike took a selfie of us. “I’m marking the event just so I have your madness on file.” I doubted that meant what Spike thought it did. “So how’s the party? Cool, am I right?”

“Jen’s here,” I said, the words draining all the joy accumulated a moment ago. I could tell myself it wasn’t a big deal, that we had broken up already and I was moving on. However, it would be a lie. The realization hit me like a wet towel through the face. “Pretty crazy, right?” I forced a laugh trying to overcompensate.

“Allen, I had no idea...”

“Nah, it’s fine.” I took another swig of my vodka. The bottle was empty, but I pretended it wasn’t. Talk about a rollercoaster of emotions. “You’re cool, buddy. What are the chances that the only other human at a pegasi party would turn out to be my ex?”

“Yeah, well...” Spike took the bottle out of my hand. “You hang out for a few more minutes, okay? I just need to check on something quick and I’ll take you home.”

“No worries,” I said to the empty air.

I stared at my hand for a few seconds, then looked around. Everyone was back to partying, the air thick of gossip and rumors. A mare beside me was busy assuring her friends that she had heard from a reliable source that Sweetie Belle had joined the university as part of a cultural program and would be setting off on a tour of Earth once the legal paperwork was done. I didn’t believe a word she was saying, but I would be the first to go to a live pony concert. The only similar event I’d seen was Equine Karaoke, though that was a whole different ball of wax.

I took out my phone and started browsing. My feed was full of pictures from the party, including the punked shot of me and Frostfoot. It had managed to amass a decent amount of likes and comments. The only reason it hadn’t gone viral was because of the flood of Sweetie Belle hysteria that followed. There was no doubt in my mind that I’d get called by the dean first thing tomorrow to give an explanation about both. Jen was still on my feed, her last post dating a few days back. My parents had also sent me a couple of messages in private. At some point, I was going to have to write back with a plausible explanation of how I hadn’t failed my exam, just postponed it.

Five minutes passed, then ten, and still there was no sign of Spike. He wasn’t the sort of guy just to leave me hanging, but I also knew he could have an attention deficit, especially around alcohol.

“Everything okay?” I heard someone ask from above. Frostfoot was flapping next to a cloud, pitying what appeared to be spheres of light in it. “Not bored, right?”

“All’s cool.” I put on a smile. “Just waiting on Spike.”

“And miss the fireworks display?” She gave me a look. “Totally awesome and slightly illegal. But what’s a party without being on the edge, am I right?”

“You’re right.” I wished I could be as carefree. “Starshine’s not helping?”

“She’s probably in our room.” The pegasus pushed the last of the glowing orbs into the cloud. “Her mother appearing here got her really pissed. Me, I don’t mind. My old lady can show up any time she wants. That won’t stop me from having fun.”

“Right.” I wasn’t even surprised. “Any idea where Spike is?”

“I think I saw him head downstairs.” Frostfoot gently nudged the cloud upwards. A few lights flickered from within.

“Thanks.” I took a step in the direction of the roof entrance. “Thanks for the party crash, in case I don’t see you later.”

“Sure thing. See you around.”

On my way, I grabbed a bottle of beer. The way things were going, I could have grabbed a case and they wouldn’t have noticed. I knew it wasn’t a good idea to drink alone, but after everything, what was one more bottle in the grand scheme of life?

“Spike!” I shouted as I approached the staircase. If you’re doing some party trick again, I’ll—

Every fiber in my body froze. I was staring forward, yet my eyes could not accept what they were seeing; fifty steps away, at the end of the corridor, was Spike. The dragon was just standing there, in his usual kilt, as a girl held him tight, crying on his shoulder. It was Jen.