In Northern California, a hungover girl, a cheerful unicorn, and millions of other sapient beings were blissfully unaware of what was headed their way.

"So," the girl asked the unicorn who trotted ahead of her on the forest path that used to be the busy expressway, El Camino Real, "this village you're taking me to… it's full of unicorns like you?"

"Ponies, yes," the unicorn agreed, "but not all like me. There’s pegasi, earth ponies, and some people like you too."

"People? Where did they come from?"

"They were already there! The village used to be human houses before Luna changed them."

"Shit," the girl swore, "I still don't have any idea what's going on! So who's this Luna and what—"

She was interrupted by a loud double bang from above. As she shaded her eyes and looked up there came two more sharp bangs. The last thing she ever saw was the glint of sunlight on something very high up and falling very fast.

Gwen, Greg, and Nightmare Moon had found a little hollow just below the ridge of a hill that provided excellent concealment. An aircraft would have to be almost on top of them before they could be seen.

Nightmare Moon curled up and Greg leaned back against her flank, lacing his fingers behind his head. He felt justified in being a bit smug. It wasn't every day he escaped from a secret underground base and a military manhunt.

Gwen sat, cross-legged, across the little hollow from the pair, frowning. "You should give yourself up. They're going to catch you sooner or later and—"

"Just surrender and get thrown into some dungeon in Guantanamo or Cesspoolistan?" Greg laughed. "No thank you! Oh, I'll turn myself in, alright... but not until I've got some bargaining chips to make sure I don't get 'disappeared'."

"Like what?" Gwen asked. "What can you—" She was interrupted by a loud double bang.

"Sonic boom?" Greg wondered aloud. "What sort of aircraft—"

The entire world went white.

Greg instinctively threw his arms in front of his face, which hardly lessened the blinding light, and Nightmare Moon began screaming. She thrashed beneath him and he turned, still unable to see, even though the terrible light was beginning to fade away, and tried to determine what was hurting her. Gwen was yelling something but Greg ignored her.

His sight began to clear in time to see a horrific scene. Nightmare Moon's hooves had torn up the ground all around as she writhed in agony and her shrieks were growing weaker by the second as chunks of her body tore away and dissolved into clouds of golden sparks that turned to ash.

"No! No!" Greg yelled and instinctively tried to hold her together with his hands. The fragmenting pieces of Nightmare Moon’s body stung his hands and sent jolts up his arms as if he had grabbed at live electrical wires but he kept at it, not knowing what else to do. "Please, Nightmare Moon, don't die! Don't leave me!"

Her weight grew lighter in his arms and her body wavered and changed. Soon she was small enough that he could pull her upper body into his lap and was coalescing back into her Luna form. She slumped in his arms, only half conscious, moaning, "It hurts. The light... it hurts."

Just then a sharp jolt of the ground shook them and Greg finally heard what Gwen was yelling. "Get down! Get down and open your mouth as wide as you can! Yawn!"

Greg was dazed and confused but he heard the certainty in Gwen's voice and he obeyed her, crouching over Luna to shield her with his body, yawning hugely, and prying open her jaws with his hands, pulling them open as wide as he could. Luna struggled feebly beneath him but hadn't the strength to resist.

For moments nothing happened and then shockwave hit them like a tsunami, slamming them to the ground. The immensity of the sound was beyond description, and the blast of wind that followed filled the air with dirt, debris, and leaves. Trees fell to either side of them and small branches crashed into them, tearing at their skin. There was a moment of calm air as the wind died, but then it reversed and began to rush back in the opposite direction, though with less force than before.

Greg continued to hold the half-aware Luna, rocking her slightly and reassuring her. "You'll be okay. I'm here. I won't let anything more happen to you. You're safe with me."

Gwen coughed and spat out a mouthful of dirt and bits of leaf. She glanced at Greg and his partner, then crawled up to the ridge of the hill and looked out toward the northwest where Humboldt had been. Even from over forty miles away, the gigantic, glowing mushroom cloud was a terrifying sight.

She slid back down below the ridge, thinking furiously. They had been sheltered by the hill, so direct radiation exposure would be minimal. The temperature had gone up about 15 degrees... she was beginning to sweat... so that meant the bomb was an air-burst intended to...

"So they wanted me alive, huh?" Greg yelled at her from below, interrupting her thoughts. The nuclear cloud had risen high enough by then that he could see it from where he was. "Maybe a taser would have been a better choice of weapon?" There was a definite note of hysteria in his voice.

"Greg, I swear to you, our orders were to take you alive at all costs. When I—"

Luna moaned again and Greg stopped listening to the woman. "I'm here... it's okay."

"I... I... don't want to go..." Luna muttered, "...I need to... do my duty. I have to protect the world. I have to... serve you and keep Equestria safe."

Gwen slid down the hillside and moved over to the pair. "What's she talking about?" Half of the reason for her question was genuine curiosity but half was to distract Greg from what she was about to do.

"You just rest, now," Greg said to Luna as he stroked her cheek. He didn't look away from her as he answered Gwen's question. "I designed Luna to keep the simulation stable... to deal with ponies and creatures who became too powerful and to make adjustments to the environment to remove instabilities."

Gwen glanced up, trying to estimate how long they'd have before fallout particles began to float down from the stratosphere. It all depended on wind patterns she had no knowledge of. "How did she do that?" she asked as she surreptitiously used one hand to tear at the lining of her jacket.

"The high level ones that threw things out of balance, she'd move them to isolated locations or convince them to become non-fighting mentors... teachers of the younger ponies. If she couldn't do that, she'd kill them."

Gwen worked a tiny hole in the lining and wormed a finger inside, groping for a small plastic item that was hidden there. "But she's a low-level herself, isn't she?"

"Not really, and I gave her the ability to increase her own strength and abilities as necessary. Hell, she could even alter the geography of the sim if she felt it was needed. Sometimes a weird bit of terrain would force ponies to..."

Gwen took a firm grip on the triangle of plastic, pulled it free of its hiding place, and jabbed it toward Greg's unprotected side. Greg was so focused on Luna that he didn't notice the woman's sudden movement, only Luna's reaction to it. Luna’s horn flared to life and Gwen's forearm froze in mid swing. Greg turned and saw the little piece of plastic, the sharp needle held motionless only an inch from his side. Gwen grunted with effort as her face went pale from the pain of Luna's vice-like magical grip, but the needle moved no further. When Luna squeezed a little harder, Gwen gasped, and the thing fell from her hand.

Luna shifted in his lap, still holding the agent as she began to sit up. Gwen pulled at her arm with her other hand, trying to free herself without any noticeable result. When Luna stood, dragging the woman to her feet, Gwen shifted her weight and slammed a vicious kick into Luna’s stomach. It was like kicking a tractor tire and had about as much effect.

"Shall I kill her for you, Greg?" Luna asked calmly and quietly, still a bit unsteady on her hooves.

"No, Luna," Greg said as he picked up the little thing and looked at it. It had a short needle that was attached to a plastic bulb full of a clear brown liquid. He looked up from the nasty little weapon to Gwen's face. "And don't break her arm, please."

Greg turned the little injector over in his hand and asked, "So what's in this? Was it supposed to finish the job the nuke failed to do?"

"It's just a tranquilizer," Gwen said through gritted teeth. Luna's grip on her was still painful and her arm was going numb. "We'll be getting fallout soon. I needed to get you out of here quick, and I didn't think you'd willingly leave this... thing." Gwen indicated Luna with a jerk of her head.

Greg went very still. "Don't ever call her a 'thing' again," he said in a monotone that was somehow more threatening than any shout or promise of violence. Gwen got the message.

"I... I'm sorry," she said.

Greg tossed the injector aside. “It must have been the EMP that hurt you, Luna. Are you strong enough to travel?"

"Yes, Greg. But I don't think I'll be able to carry you far."

"That's okay, you won't have to carry anyone."

"We need to get out of here fast," Gwen interrupted. "We may not get fallout for a while... or if we're really lucky it might all blow away from us, but we can't take that chance. We need to move!"

Greg nodded, "Let's get going then. You can let her go now, Luna. Gwen, hand me your jacket... slowly."

Gwen dropped the jacket and backed away from it. “How the hell did she do that?” she asked, rubbing her arm to restore circulation. “It can’t really be magic.”

Greg shrugged as he picked up the jacket. “’Sufficiently advanced technology’ and all that.” When Gwen just stared at him, he sighed. “I don’t know. Nanofilaments, maybe? I’d need some specialized equipment to find out for sure. For now, ‘magic’ is a good enough term.”

The Vice President stared at the assembly in the Situation Room. Everything he had just heard seemed like the fantasies of a madman. But there was no denying it. He could see for himself the massive destruction in the Bay Area and South Dakota.

"Sir?" asked the White House Chief of Staff, "we need you to be sworn in as soon as possible. The Press Secretary is preparing a short announcement. People are beginning to panic and we need you to reassure them."

"What about..." he gestured to the scenes of unimaginable carnage that flickered across the large information screen.

"The National Guard, FEMA, and the Red Cross are already mobilized. We're deploying field hospitals, supplies, and everything necessary to minimize the loss of life."

"Minimize? Minimize!? You've got to be fucking kidding me! How many people are dead already?"

"Sir, please—"

"HOW MANY!?"

General Whitson stepped forward. "We don't know for sure. But we estimate 100,000 in South Dakota and less than 2 million in California. If we can control the exposure to..."

But the Vice President was backing away from the group, shaking his head.

"Please, Mr. President—" the Secretary began.

"Oh no... no, don't you dare call me that! If you think I'm taking the oath after this... to hell with you all! Go get the Speaker of the House and see if he wants to inherit this monumental clusterfuck! I'm resigning as of now!" He spun and fled from the room.

For the moment, the Ship of State had no captain to steer her.

Greg and Gwen had gone a long distance south along the arrow-straight farm roads on their stolen bicycles. Luna was between them, boosting their speed by pushing on their backs with her wings as she trotted. They passed several farms and stalled vehicles but only saw a few people at a distance, vague silhouettes in the gathering gloom.

One man called out to them as they passed, asking if they knew what was happening. They ignored him and kept going. There was a waning moon and they were able to see well enough to travel after nightfall, but Luna began to stumble from fatigue, so they decided to stop and rest.

The remnants of the mushroom cloud were still visible on the northern horizon at sunset, and it seemed as if the ash and smoke were blowing eastward, away from them. At least no particles were falling where they were and the sky above them was clear. They pulled the bicycles off the road and into a cornfield.

"We've got to find some water soon," Greg groaned. "I'm dying of thirst."

"The river should be to the east of us a few miles. It might be safe to take a detour," Gwen said. "By the way... if you could let me have my jacket..."

"I'm dying of thirst, not stupidity," Greg snapped.

"Alright, but we'd have a better chance of surviving if we knew what's going on, right? There's a little radio in there..."

"Wouldn't the EMP have burnt it out?"

Gwen shook her head. "It's shielded."

Greg spread the jacket out on the ground and ripped away the lining. There were several small devices held in elastic loops inside. None of them looked like a radio.

"It's the stubby cylinder," Gwen told him. "Twist the knurled end off and there are earbuds inside. The other end extends as an antenna and turns it on. The ring around the middle tunes it."

"What's the rest of this stuff?"

Gwen pointed from where she sat. "That's the antidote for the tranq you threw away, that's a lockpick set, that's... well, that one is poison... that's a detonator and enough C4 to blow a steel security door off its hinges, that's a plastic knife, that's a flashlight, and that last one is a GPS homing device. Don't worry, it's not on and it's not shielded, either, so the EMP probably did ruin it."

Greg would have given a low whistle if his lips hadn't been so dry. "You're a well-equipped woman, Agent Gwen."

"I wish my kit included a Geiger-counter," she said sourly.

Greg checked on Luna before opening up the little radio. She had curled up and gone to sleep as soon as they had stopped moving. She was breathing softly and regularly.

“Why the hell does she need to sleep? Isn’t she all… electronic?” Gwen asked.

Greg frowned. “I programmed her to behave like a biological organism. She needs to breathe and eat as well. How it all translates to this physical body of hers, I don’t know.” He stroked Luna’s back gently and she murmured something in her sleep. "She's not purely biological or she wouldn't have been harmed by the EMP."

"You really care for her, don't you?" asked Gwen as Greg fitted the earbuds.

"Why do you find that so odd?"

"She's so damned... alien. But you two act like old friends."

Greg shrugged. "I've spent hundreds, probably thousands of hours with her. She's smarter and more interesting than the people I see every day. She actually has a great sense of humor… a sign of superior intelligence, even if it's a bit sly and dark."

"Maybe more than friends," Gwen muttered.

Greg stopped fiddling with the radio and looked sharply at Gwen. "What do you mean by that?"

"Well..." Gwen hesitated.

"Look, you tried to beat me up, knock me out, and the guys you work for just blew up a big chunk of South Dakota trying to kill me. Don't you think it's a bit late to worry about insulting my feelings?"

Gwen shrugged, "Okay, then. You touch each other the way lovers do. And even though she looks like an animal, you gave her quite an ass… not much like a horse at all.”

"Wait a minute! Wait a minute! What do you mean, I 'gave' her that ass?”

"Well, you designed her, didn't you?"

"No! She's just like she was in the TV show!"

"Oh... well... my bad, then. I just assumed that a kid's show wouldn't show bare butts like—"

Greg laughed. "All the ponies had cute butts, and you wouldn't believe the innuendos they put in some cartoons that are supposedly for young kids!"

He seemed to want to dodge the issue of his relationship with the monster, so Gwen let him change the subject. "Really? Like what?"

"Well, there's one of the later episodes of Digimon Tamers where Sakuyamon 'loans her power' to another character. What it visually consists of is her taking off her clothes... and that makes the guy's glowing red sword grow longer."

"You're lying! They wouldn't dare!"

"No kidding. If I had my iPad, I'd show you. I mean, that one is anime, but there’s still some very suggestive stuff in American animation, too. In My Little Pony, It's pretty obvious that Mr. Cake’s wife cheated on him… probably with two different ponies. Then there's the one where Shining Armor practically says his wife is great in bed."

Gwen couldn't resist one last jab. "Hm... Luna doesn't have much in the way of clothes to shed. Does that mean your sword won't—"

"Hey!"

"Are you blushing? It's too dark to tell."

Greg ignored her and extended the radio's antenna. He twisted the middle ring until he heard the squawking tones of the Emergency Broadcast System's attention signal. "Shh, I'm getting something."

Gwen watched his face fall. Even in the dim moonlight his stunned expression was clear. "Oh my God. No... they... no..."

"Greg? What is it?"

Greg pulled the earbuds out, threw the little radio at her, turned away, and knelt beside Luna.

Gwen snatched the radio out of the air and hurriedly put the earbuds into her ears. She listened in disbelief to the dry recitation of the details of the greatest disaster to befall the modern world for as long as she could stand it, and then telescoped the antenna back into the case and stowed away the earbuds.

She looked at Greg where he knelt, motionless beside his sleeping friend. His hand rested lightly on Luna’s shoulder and she could see the glint of moonlight on his tears as they fell.

"God, Greg, I—"

"All my friends," he said, his voice thick with emotion, "my job, my home, all those people... why would they do it?"

"I don't know... I... I just don't know." Gwen said.

"Well, I don't care," Greg said as he rose to his feet. "I don't give a damn why they did it." He looked up and Gwen started in shock at the hatred she saw in his face. "They're going to pay for it. I'm going to make them pay!"

Author's Notes:

Thanks again to my excellent prereaders and editors, Jordanis, WrittenWord333, and Fana Farouche.

BTW, Two things to keep in mind:
1) This is a farce. I am not trying for any deep meaning or message here.
2) This was plotted and mostly written before the current American election cycle also became a farce, and isn't a reaction to current events in any way, so if you find political commentary bubbling up the back of your throat, just swallow it and we'll all be a lot happier. Try Facebook if you must vent.