I’ve been away too long… I’ve left this pile of trash here for weeks, fermenting in my sweat, tears, drool. I’ve forgotten so many details that have taught me so much about myself and other ponies. I’ve gotten drunk, so often I scared myself with alcoholism and eventual homelessness. I’ve made my final choice... if you remember what I’m talking about. You probably do, whoever you are, reading this… I’ll get to that.

Once I discovered I could hear Aura while drunk, I tried to come up with any excuse to indulge; I’d go out more often, allow plenty of stallions to court me, visit bars with friends and explore the city at night… as long as it meant I could have some fun as what I wanted to believe was my “true self,” and speak to the entity that knew everything about me.

I’ve gotten back into work at the cafe, kept busy and managed a smile just about every day. I don’t think anypony has bothered to stop and ask how I’m feeling, which I’m grateful for really. I feel like it used to happen so often… So fucking frequently that it was seriously just pissing me off.

I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m being so grouchy.

Well, actually I kind of do. I mentioned that I made my choice? Well, I haven’t informed… The pony I’ve chosen... of this choice. I’m terrified of the aftermath.

The theater told me there was more work to be done on my play. It could take another year or more to complete the editing and write the music, plus all the advertising. A new play hardly gets noticed by a majority of the population within its first year.

It honestly doesn’t concern me much. If it ever does start making money, then good for me I guess. Not like I need it.

Grandma died. Broke both her hind legs in a hang-gliding accident, they didn’t heal properly, and a blood clot caused a heart attack that took her life while she slept.

Shortly after, Grandpa followed her. Also suffering a heart attack in his sleep that many family members accredit to a broken heart.

Their fortune was immense, enough to be split by will to their only daughter and all of their grandchildren in a large enough sum that I could probably afford to buy an automobile. I can’t imagine what I would do with one… But I could buy one. Makes me wonder why Grandma and Grandpa never had any. They had a nice house in the mountains of North Handhash, along with their own island and a sailboat for getting there. I was always afraid of visiting any of their homes because Grandpa did not get along well with foals.

The funerals were quiet, felt shorter than they were. I don’t remember really any conversations I had with my family. I don’t remember any names or faces from the extended family. I just know we were all very sad, and tense around each other. Especially Mill…

The only thing I’ve spent any of my inheritance on is liquor and nights out with everypony. Pearl thought for a while it was because I was still in mourning over my grandparents. At some point, I managed to clarify that if I was mourning, it wasn’t over my grandparents and that I’d been mourning for longer than I can remember.

I’m sitting here in my studio apartment, writing word after fucking word, trying to distract myself from – remind myself of – everything that makes me depressed. I want to… to tell the stallion I’ve chosen that I love him… He really does make me happy. But… He’s not the only one, is he? I think I’ve felt pretty happy with these other stallions. They’ve all taught me so much about life, fun, sex…

That’s right. I do have a few more toys now. I still haven’t gotten the balls to actually settle on a boyfriend, so of course, I haven’t had actual sex yet. I’m just so afraid of what the others will think, what I’ll think… If and how it will end…

I could try mixing some more.

With all the liquor I’ve bought I’ve taken to practicing cocktails. I read a few books about mixology and spoken at length with bartenders, and I think I’m really started to get good. I have lots of drink recipes memorized, and lots of ideas for original drinks too. It feels like a pretty good creative outlet since I haven’t been very motivated to write as much lately. The only problem is that somepony has to drink every experiment, and being by myself as often as I am when I “practice” leaves me to “clean up.” And I really am afraid of becoming an alcoholic…

I’m running out of things to write about… I don’t want to make any drinks right now… I kind of want to call Pearl and talk to her about this choice I’ve made, but I’m afraid I already know what she’ll say. Then again, maybe it will be good to hear some actual words of encouragement, instead of just imagining them?

I’m not going to get anything out of Aura much anymore. I need somepony right now… I just wish it could be the one I want to love, and to have love me, possibly for the rest of our lives.

I’m just… afraid. I know, I’ve said that a lot. I just… really don’t want to make a great big decision like love, thinking — hoping it will be true love, if there even is such a thing, and whether I deserve it. I don’t want to end up getting into arguments… I don’t know… I just don’t want it to end badly. I know that sounds selfish. I’ve just got to suck it up, grow a pair, deal with it… He’s had his heart broken before, right? He’s a great example of living and loving again.

But what if I’m not as strong as him? Not strong enough to get over a broken heart?

He wouldn’t want a broken heart. And I will do everything I can not to break his heart.