I haven’t written in a few days, after what happened.

It took me a while to calm down enough to make rational decisions. I spent a lot of time running through memories, trying to decipher my emotions and figure out what I really wanted. Whenever that happened I always managed to come back to how lonely I was. I just need a stallion who can comfort me. Stabilize me, perhaps. I don’t know how Pearl does it, or Noh. I love it, but it’s not really enough. I always end up thinking it’s not right, not what I really want.

At the end of it all I figured I was ready to give my brother a chance.

I thought I recognized the name of the hotel he was at, Toppleton, it was the hotel I stayed at with mom and grandma over a year ago. That was an eventful night.

I ask the receptionist for Mill Jr and get his room number. I catch him in the hallway on the way there.

“Hey buddy!” His smile was more or less genuine, meaning it was more a smile of betrayal. His lips said “it’s good to see you,” his eyes said “talk and I’ll cut you.”

“Hey Mill,” I remember he doesn’t like being called Jr. I accept his uncomfortable hug.

“What’s been up with you lately? Working at that theater can’t be that stressful.”

(As if you’d know what kind of stress city life has at all!) “You’d be surprised,” I manage, forcing an awkward smile.

“Well at least tell me you get out plenty, yeah?” He’s gone from uncomfortable to insensitive. “You got any ladies waiting for you?”

Oh that’s right. Being out of touch for so long he wouldn’t have any idea about my sexuality. Should I tell him? “Oh no, nothing like that.” (Smooth.) Yeah? And where have you been this past week?

“Well I’m not in town for much longer, so I’m afraid I can’t help you out much with that one.” He nudges my shoulder and we start walking. He’s leading me toward the pool. “Mom wanted me to come visit, y’know. She said she was kind of worried you were getting lonely.”

How could Jr visiting make me less lonely? He didn’t know a thing about me. He was a jock, I was a queer. There’s no way she could honestly expect us to get along. Did she have ulterior motives? Was she sinister enough for that? “I can’t imagine why,” I toy. “I’ve got plenty of friends. We spend lots of time together, they even brought me to a strip club once.” I laugh awkwardly. Why did I bring that up?

He prods me with his elbow. “There you go, living life and shit. What was the place called? Maybe we could hit it up before I ship out.”

Dammit. “I don’t actually remember,” basically a lie. “It was for my birthday.”

“Ok…” his brain cells are drowning right now, trying to remember when my birthday is.

“It was a few months ago. We haven’t gone back since.”

He gives me a puzzled look. Maybe more like, “I knew that, nerd,” but then he smiles and elbows me again. “Right, well it can’t be the only place.” He laughs raucously, though not in nearly as cute a manner as Noh. Jr was much more brutish. It wasn’t even funny. “I was just going for a dip in the hotel’s hot tub. Feel like joining me?”

I smile peacefully, “Yeah I could go for a swim.” With as long as it had been since I’d dived into deep, clear water I’m honestly surprised my body isn’t going through some kind of withdrawal. I love swimming a lot, so I silently chastise myself for taking such a long hiatus from the pass-time. Maybe I just had too much going on. Plus I didn’t have a place to go regularly. This hotel wasn’t too far from my apartment, but I’m pretty sure the pool is reserved for paying customers.

Mill goes to the hot tub, where only one other patron is resting. I feel sorry for her, but not much. I wade into the pool and dive straight for the deep end. A few spins and swirls make me feel free. More free than I’ve felt in a while. Other than that spa day. I’d have to remind myself to go back for another mud bath at some point in the future.

I surface a few times and re-submerge. At last I stop for some deep breaths and float for a few seconds. I look around the spacious room, with its high ceiling and tall, tiled walls. I look to the lifeguard chair, merely intending to be friendly to the pony working just so I could have fun.

The first glance I take my heart skips. Is that…? It has to be, the same life guard from my visit over a year ago. His eyes make contact with mine and I think I start blushing. He smiles, friendly. I smile back, so as not to be rude, then dive under water again. I let a few bubbles out and sink a couple of meters. I don’t think I’m in the very deep end, and I hit the bottom within a few seconds. I don’t know how long I can hold my breath, but that’s not what’s really on my mind.

That lifeguard, I knew I recognized him. His warm orange coat and rosy mane. And the stylish, almost military-grade flat-top. It was just a little bit longer than what I assumed was military regulation, but I don’t know a lot about that. They’ve been inconsistent in recent years.

Whatever! This stallion was at the spa the other day! He was so nice…

Oh come one, can I really be lying at the bottom of the pool daydreaming about a lifeguard? (Yes, yes you can.) While my brother is in a hot tub a few steps away? (What does that matter?) Maybe if I stay down here long enough he’ll jump in and save me. I wonder if he’d even be willing to give me a chance.

My lungs screaming, I resurface and gasp frantically. After the splashing and gasping dies down I hear laughter and look toward the pool steps. Mill has the girl from the hot tub there, messing with her, splashing water that was despairingly cold compared to the water they were just in. I sigh, perturbed by my brother’s antics. Then smile unwillingly, satisfied in knowing that he does have a softer side. Even if I don’t know it that well.

I realize I’m still wearing my glasses and laugh at myself. Then another mare comes running from the hot tub to splash with my brother. I didn’t see two ponies in the tub before. Strange.

I understand that Mill will likely ask one of them out, and that he’ll likely try to do me a favor by hooking me up with the other one. Before I can stop myself I look up at the lifeguard. He’s shaking his head at the roughhousing, but smiling. He notices me looking and lifts an eyebrow like “can you believe these idiots?” I roll my eyes in agreement. He chuckles shortly, then goes back to scanning the water. There are only four of us in the pool right now, so I don’t know what he’s looking for. Sharks maybe?

I play around on my own for a while longer before Mill nearly gives me a heart attack by appearing right above me. I come up coughing and choking. I kind of hope the lifeguard doesn’t overreact. “I got you a date,” my brother informs me.

Of course he did. “Is that so?”

“Yeah, those two,” he leans his head toward the door where the mares are just leaving. “We’re gonna pick ‘em up tomorrow night.”

“Well that’s… nice.” He starts swimming out and I follow him. I’m almost terrified at how excited he is. “You know I don’t know if I can make it tomorrow.” I didn’t have most nights off, rehearsals and all. Then again, that wasn’t really why I gave the excuse.

“Well when do you work?”

I was afraid he’d ask that. Should I lie? “Uhh, seven o’clock.” Why didn’t I just lie?

“Perfect, we can take ‘em out to dinner and have you out of there before you’re late.”

I’m in too deep now, aren’t I? (Not if you play this right.) How can I possibly play this without him getting upset? We’re walking back to his room. He’s talking about ordering room service and watching a movie. I can’t imagine what movie he has in mind. (You have to tell him something. Plus there’s no guarantee that he will freak out.) Right, so I’ll just go in blindly and hope for the best. (I don’t see why not.) I roll my eyes. Mill doesn’t notice.

He unlocks the door to his room just as I grow the balls to bring up the subject again. “Look, about tomorrow night…” He opens the door and lifts an eyebrow at me, waiting for me to continue. “I’m just not all that, interested, to be honest.”

“Why’s that? Mom said you were lonely, I’m just trying to help.”

“Well… Mom assumed I was lonely, but really I’m doing fine.” It wasn’t the whole truth, but as much as he needed to know.

“Right.” He flops onto the huge bed. “Well, sorry but the plan’s been made.”

I shrug, growing impatient. How dare he force me into this situation? “Well, then I guess I’ll disappoint her. She seems nice, but I’m not interested.” That might have been a poor choice of words.

“Not interested?” Shit. “Did you see her?”

I sigh, “Yes, I saw her. That doesn’t change the fact—“

“What are you, some kind of fag?” Dammit. I squeeze my eyes, hurt, then look away. My body language explains perfectly. “Are you serious?” He’s raising his voice. “No you’re not! What kind of stallion isn’t into mares?”

“That’s not the point!”

“God dammit, Timber. Please tell me you’re joking?!” I wish he’d lower his voice. “What do you think dad’s gonna say?”

“Don’t bring dad into this,” I start getting defensive.

“And why not? You don’t think he can handle it? If anything he’ll knock some sense into you, if I don’t first.”

Is he threatening me? “Look just because you don’t understand—“

“I think I understand fine. My little brother thinks he likes dick so he’s running away from home.”

I’m really starting to get pissed off, but I don’t really know what to say.

“Is this the real reason mom sent me here? Is it?! Does she know? Cos she probably sent me here for this reason.”

“Oh don’t act like you care. You’re the one that ran away chasing some broad. None of us have heard from you in years!” Something’s coming over me. I don’t stop it. It’s about time I speak my mind.

“At least I was chasing a girl. Whose dick were you after that made you come to the city?”

I’m choking up involuntarily. “Stop saying that! You obviously don’t understand what I’ve been through. You’re the only one here that’s being led by his sex drive.” I don’t think I’m being too loud, but I lower my voice halfway through habitually.

“You can’t blame me for not knowing stuff about you since you never talk to me!”

Wow, what an accusation. I have to laugh at that. Then the thoughts leave my head and I stop talking. Why now? Why can’t I just keep arguing? He doesn’t have any valid points, I can win this.

“And what are you laughing at, fag?”

“Stop saying that,” I grumble.

“Why should I? It’s what you are! You know dad’s probably lucky he can’t remember stuff anymore. If I ever tell him he won’t have to remember that you’re such a disappointment.”

“Leave dad out of it!” I shout against my will.

He hits me then. A quick strike across my cheek. It wasn’t too hard. My glasses stay on, barely, but I cry out in shock and fall to the floor. There’s a knock at the door.

“Hey open up! What’s going on in there?” Is that the lifeguard?

“Piss off, it’s none of your business!”

“As an employee, domestic disturbances in the hotel are my business. Now, open up or I’m calling the police.”

Mill curses under his breath, steps over me and glares unforgivingly. He opens the door a crack and meets with the lifeguard. “See? There’s nothing wrong.”

“My ass,” the stranger retorts. “Where’s the younger one?”

“He’s just lying down. We just got back from swimming and he’s pretty tired.”

“In a room with one bed?” This guy’s serious. I think I get why I’ve fallen for him.

I have to put a stop to this, though. We don’t need to make a scene. “I’m fine. I was just leaving.” If he says anything against that he’ll have lost.

“Yeah you think you are,” Mill snaps. I smirk. Check mate.

The lifeguard comes back in while I pick myself up, “That’s it I’m ending this. Out of the way.”

“Piss off. He’s my brother and he said he’s fine.”

“He’s your hostage and he’s terrified of you. Now out of the way or I’ll have to detain you.” How heroic. I didn’t try to seem sarcastic, thinking that, but it just came out that way. Though, it didn’t come out, really. Whatever.

“I’d like to see you try,” Mill challenges. I turn just in time to see my brother try to push the lifeguard away, only to have his opponent twist his elbow past his head and push him to the ground in a very uncomfortable-looking position. I’m a little scared that I’m going to regret this somehow. I should be elated that my brother is getting what he deserves. Does he really deserve this? Sure he’s a dick, but he’s my brother.

I don’t get long to dwell on the thought. The lifeguard commands me to step outside. I oblige, thinking I might start crying. Why though? I hate my brother and don’t want to be around him anymore. My cheek hurts, so that might be it. No, this isn’t physical pain that’s hurting me. Thinking back I know I was upset that the visit went worse than I expected. I never expected anything good to come out of meeting my brother, but this was far worse. I was upset knowing that I’d likely never get to see him again, though. What’s mom going to say?

A door slams and the lifeguard is calling out for me. I had been walking briskly toward the front door of the building, intending to get far away fast. Then I remembered my savior.

He runs up and cuts me off. “Hold it, I want to make sure you’re all right.”

“I’m fine now, thanks.” What was I saying? This guy was Magni-Stallion. I should at the very least thank him genuinely. What would that entail though? I guess… at the very least I could indulge him.

“I don’t think so.” He’s looking me dead in the eyes. I was crying, so there’s that. He moves my head sideways gently with a hoof. “He hit you?” I just move my head away. He sighs, “I know he’s your brother, but this stuff is not ok. How long has this stuff been going on?”

I don’t answer. I really don’t know how to. Mill’s been a problem for me since we were kids, but we haven’t seen each other in years. What kind of answer does that merit?

He takes my silence as dismay and intrudes my thoughts. “Come back to my room. I’ll get you some ice and let you settle down.”

I think hard about it. I didn’t have to work at the café today, but I needed to get back to the theater. Though it was barely past noon. What if Pearl or the others try to check up on me? If I’m not at my apartment they’ll probably get worried. I didn’t leave a note like last time. What’s more I didn’t want to get my hopes up if this guy wasn’t into me. He probably wasn’t but maybe I could just have another influential friend? I’d love the chance to come swimming whenever I want.

Before I realize it, I’ve got a wing over my back and a body by my side, leading me through the hallways. I almost want to cry with how perfect it is. He notices I’m staring at him and smiles peacefully. He has bright silver eyes. My lips quivers. “Ok.”

Author's Notes:

In which I tell myself "It's about time."