Pearl sits silently by the door while I dig through the drawers of my desk. I forget that my older chapters are in a box under my bed. I’m looking through drawers for the parts of my story I was remembering. I see the letter from home. I take it out and look at the address, from mom. I sit on the floor and rip open the envelope.

Dear Timber,

How have you been? Is work going well? How is that lovely friend of yours? Have you found anyone special? I suppose that might be a bit personal. What’s the next play like? Have you gotten it yet? Picker says he’d really love to see it, if that’s all right with you. He says he read about it in the paper, but I’ve never seen him read it.

Dale wanted to know how your head’s feeling. I told him you’re fine, with how long it’s been, but he insisted I ask. He also wants to know when your first novel is coming out. He wants to be the first to buy a copy. Barley says she misses you and wants to visit some time. Dad asks about you sometimes, wondering where you’ve gone. He smiles every time he reads one of your old letters, then asks where you’ve gone. I have to admit, I’m kind of in love with this happy ignorance of his. He’s not as angry as he was when

I mean, as he used to be. You know how hard he used to be on your brothers? It’s just nice seeing him this happy, almost like he was when we met. He’d love to see you again, though I don’t know if he remembers your… situation. I don’t want to ask you to be avoid the subject, just be careful bringing it up. Whenever you visit, that is.

We haven’t heard from you in a while. Write back once in a while, okay?
Love, mom.

My emotions were all over the place while I read it. My ears drooped early on. And when I read the part where Dale asked about my head I unconsciously lifted a hoof to touch the scar again. Pearl moved closer when I did that, but I barely noticed. I smiled when I read that Barley misses me. I wonder what she sounds like now, if she can complete sentences yet. I wonder if she knows how to read.

A chill went through me, sadness draped over my skeleton when she mentioned dad. He reads all my old letters like they’re new, and loves each one. He doesn’t know where I’ve gone, when I’ll be back. He likely doesn’t even remember I’m gay. How would he act if I told him again? Would it be like the first time, or the second time? Or would it be a whole new experience?

My eyes go back up the page, to the part about Picker. I never would have guessed he liked theater and couldn’t stop myself from wondering if he really did want to see the play. Why would I doubt something like that? My mother wouldn’t lie to me. Maybe he just really wanted to see me? See where I work?

I sob, feeling my jagged scar once again and remembering every second of the scene that played out that night. That fateful, horrendous, depressing night…

Pearl embraces me, and I sob into her chest. How could I lose touch with my family? “After everything I’ve put them through…” I take another shaky breath. “Why did I stop writing?”

“Shh-sh-sh-shh… It’s ok.” She begins stroking my head. I enjoy the feeling, but I know it’s not the same as when Noh did it. Or… somepony else? Noh wasn’t the first one I thought of, but it wasn’t Pearl either. I saw him, why couldn’t I remember his name? A speckled, tan coat. Orange-brown mane. I knew him. Knew? Know…?

I take a deep breath, but sob again. I need to get over this so I can remember. Do I want to remember? That last thing I actually remembered brought me to this, and I was having too much trouble with this. If I remembered this pony I might be worse off. I can’t do that to Pearl.

I take more deep breaths and think more about my family. They miss me, they want to know how I’m doing. They’re still doing very well. Dale’s still living at home, which hilarious, but kind of sad. Picker should have graduated. He always said he wanted to move out first chance he got, but I guess he hasn’t yet either. He was never very good at planning.

I wonder how my oldest brothers are doing, though. Junior and Gravel haven’t made contact with me in years. Were they keeping in touch with mom and dad? Did they visit often? Gravel had a girlfriend, and last I remember Gravel asked her to marry him and move back to Green Stables. Mom would have brought it up if he had. Junior had trouble with relationships, putting a lot of focus into work. Plus, he’s not exactly very charming.

I stop myself from remembering instances with Mill Jr. Very few of them were pleasant.

I’ve stopped crying. I remember why we came back to my apartment; I wanted to find something to remind me of my father. I wanted to remember why I was angry with him. I couldn’t think of a time he smiled at me, but I was sure there had to be. I don’t know if I ever got it written down, but there had to be one time. Whatever. Knowing that he smiles at my letters every day is more than enough.

But now I remember back then, I wanted him to be angry at me again. He didn’t remember I was gay, and he was becoming somepony different. I thought I could bring the old him back, the one that wanted me to be his son. The stallion that raised his children to be hard workers with strong backs and an even stronger will. I wasn’t what he wanted, I knew that and wanted him to remember that. Didn’t I? I was a good son, and his reaction the second time should have been what I truly wanted. I was an idiot for running off like I did.

I don’t start crying again, though. I’m at peace. My family’s happy, even though they miss me. I miss them too, but I also miss my old friends. Minty was a great friend, however ignorant. Churner, Minty’s father… now that was an experience I’ll never forget. Sawdust, he was friendly. He was a great older brother to his sister. I could have learned so much about him if I stayed.

I remember some of my friends from high school, but I stop myself. I take a deep breath and lift myself off of Pearl. Some part of me knew that if I went too far, remembered too much, I’d have too hard a time coming out of the hole I’d fall into. “Thank you,” I say to Pearl.

She smiles at me, hugs me again. “I’m always happy to help.” I break the hug early, not wanting to bury myself again. I’m at peace, I want to end this part here. “You still want to find those old entries?”

I look to the bottom edge of my bed. The hidden box, with all my old chapters, it’s down there. I’m glad I didn’t remember earlier. I shake my head, smiling peacefully. “I’m ok now,” I assure. My mind is still swimming, but it’s stuck on the letter from home. I’m going to leave it at that for as long as I can.

She’s still smiling. “You want to go somewhere?”

I take a deep a breath, then sigh. “Actually,” I admit, “I’d like to take a nap before rehearsal tonight. If that’s ok with you.”

“That’s fine, you do you.” She kisses my cheek and glances toward the bed. The plastic bag from Fondler’s is lying there. I’m grateful she didn’t mention it, because I’m not going to be doing anything like that for a little while.

After she leaves, I look down at her from my window. She looks up, smiles and waves. I wave back, then look up at the sky. The moon is barely visible in the clear sky. According to my alarm clock it’s quarter to one, so it seems pretty strange for the moon to be visible.

A name comes to my head, though. I’m barely thinking about home. Old friends, and all that. The name comes to my lips and I say it, “Loaf.” He was the one I felt when Pearl held me. He’s the one I longed for. Thinking about him now, looking out the window, I smile.