I had the first meaningful dream in forever this morning. I was sitting in a dense fog, alone, when I heard music. I don’t know what song it was, but I started singing along. As I sang the mysterious lyrics, figures started walking up to me from the fog. It was my family. All my brothers, my mother and father, and my little sister. The only one I actually looked at, remember seeing the face of, was Dale.

I kept singing, and my family walked away. The fog got colder and more figures walked past me. At first I don’t recognize them, seeing only colors and shapes. Recalling, I’m pretty sure they were my old friends. Starting with Fire Ruby, then Loaf. A few friends from school, including Minty Swirl. Then Churner, and Sawdust. Then finally Pearl, Patches, Stitches, and Noh. I didn’t even look at any of their faces.

Then the fog thickens and becomes distressingly warm. My song slowed down and became quieter. Loaf walked back past me, and I looked at him. I think I might have cried. Some strange ponies’ silhouettes passed after that, and I looked at each of them, though I don’t remember them, or didn’t recognize them. I did recognize Churner, and Sawdust. One of them, I think, was Lavandula. Even Noh passed a second time. The last one was a stranger, though. I felt like I recognized him, but his face was blurry like I forgot my glasses. I definitely recognized his warm orange coat and rosy mane.

I’m trying really hard to remember where I met him, what his name was. I don’t know if I ever did actually meet him though. Thinking back, I dreamed about strangers a lot, I’m certain. I even took a look through some old chapters and read a dream that had Lavan in it. All I saw were the color of his coat and mane. Luna must know an awful lot about my future to be putting strangers in my dreams.

I just took a look out the window and saw Pearl coming up. I wonder what she wants.

I’m going to have to pick this up later, after I’ve had my day. I’ll have a lot to talk about I’m sure.

Pearl greets me cheerily once I let her in. We hug and she kisses my cheek. I love the sentiment, but feel a little distracted. I don’t think she notices.

“Have you had breakfast yet?” She asks. I tell her I haven’t and she pours me a bowl of Apple wheels. As I’m eating she notices the position of the pillow she got me and smiles. It’s parallel to the wall, to my body. I hadn’t thought about it, but I had it pressed against the wall, then my back pressed into it. It almost felt like somepony sleeping behind me, cuddling me. “So how’d you like you’re third birthday party?”

I don’t like how she calls it that. I don’t know why, I just feel incredibly distracted and out of sorts. I don’t know what’s on my mind, exactly, but it has something to do with yesterday. “It was lots of fun,” I respond, forcing myself to remember experiences from yesterday. I remember my mud bath, and making the bet with her and Noh. I remember Stitches getting that masseuse’s phone number, and I remember crying in the sauna.

“Have you used any other of your gifts?”

I give her a curious look, “What do you mean?” I honestly don’t know, but I should have known.

She gives me a look like I should know. She sits down at my desk and starts pressing one hoof into the other as she counts. “You tried on the panties yesterday, we all used your wine glasses. You wore your new hat out, slept with your new pillow, and are eating Apple Wheels.” That leaves one present. One I was hoping not to talk about. “So? Did you…?”

“No I haven’t,” I answer quickly. Perhaps too quickly. I take a bite of cereal.

“Well…” she’s hesitating. She knows what she wants to say, but she’s trying to be careful, reading my mood. I’m not in a bad mood, I just don’t really want to talk about this with her. “I think you should.” Oh come on. I roll my eyes as I chew. “I’m just saying. You’re a virgin, and while you might know what to do, you don’t have any experience.”

“Do you?” I don’t mean to sound condescending, but it comes out that way.

“You’d be surprised,” she retorts. “But this isn’t about me. You need to take into consideration that the first guy you take might be too big.” I take another bite and chew thoughtfully. “Take some precautions, utilize your tools.”

I snicker at her choice of words, but she has a point. My only argument, “I don’t even think I have everything I need.”

She raises an eyebrow and without flinching uses her magic to remove the toy from its hiding place, then from its box. She leaves the phallus on the desk, which makes me a little uncomfortable. It has a suction cup and flops around comically. Her eyes move from me to the empty box. Well, I hope it’s empty. If there’s anything more in that box that proves me wrong she’ll probably make me “practice” in front of her, just so she knows I do it.

To my relief the box is actually empty. Then she trades the box for the dildo and inspects it. “All right,” she complies. “We can get some things while we’re out today.” I’m chewing a mouthful so I can’t respond, but my eyes widen and she gets my point. “Yes we’re going out. You obviously don’t have everything you need for a Sunday.” She gives me a cheeky smile and goes back to inspecting the toy—my toy—while I finish my breakfast.

She seems really fascinated with it and I look at it as closely as I can from my seat in the kitchen. It has a surprising amount of detail for a purple penis. I find myself comparing it to my own, the jutting veins, the medial ring, even the balls at the base. It’s obviously much smaller than me, but I actually imagine myself inserting it into myself. I’m ashamed for a small moment, but Pearl has a point. If my first boyfriend is too much for me to handle on my first time I’m going to regret it. I drink the milk from the bowl. “So, where are we going?”

“Patches got it at a store called ‘Fondler’s.’ We’ll start there.” She places it back in its box and slides it back under the bed, all while she slides down from the chair.

I grab my hat and wallet, determined not to let Pearl buy anything else for me. Especially nothing so obscene that one would have to go to a store named “Fondler’s.” She nods as I hold the door open for her.

Pearl insists it’s not too far, so we agree to walk. I would have suggested walking anyway. I’d only want to take public transit if we were on a short schedule. I’m not a fan of taxis or the bus, mostly for fear of meeting strangers, but I also like to get a good amount of exercise. I want to keep a lean physique for that special somepony. Plus it’s easier on my wallet.

“So,” Pearl leads, “You seemed to really enjoy rehearsal last night.”

I’m a little shocked by the comment, but agree, “Yeah. I had a lot of fun yesterday, I was in a good mood.”

“Oh ok, as long as it wasn’t because work was fun,” she teases.

I smile and roll my eyes jokingly. “Oh, no. Celestia forbid I enjoy my job. No, but I honestly do like working at the theater. I do think it’s gotten better since I became friends with Noh.”

“Yeah,” She agrees, “it’s about time you interacted with somepony there.”

“I interact with ponies,” I correct. “I read lines, and remind ponies what part we’re on, where they’re supposed to be.”

“That doesn’t count,” she complains, “that’s just work.”

“I guess, but it’s all I’ve needed—“

“Apparently not,” she points out. I sigh and nod. “You think you’ll ever make it out of your internship?”

“I don’t know,” I admit. “I don’t have any actual training in theater, or writing scripts. If this draft isn’t any good I’ll probably get stuck in this position forever.”

“But you’re having Noh teach you now,” she reminds me.

“Right.”

“So maybe you’ll end up taking to the stage?”

“Maybe, but I’m not sure.”

“Come on,” she groans. “What about high school? You did plays back then didn’t you?”

“Well yeah,” I give. “I was also on the swim team, and diving. I’m not going to join an Olympic team anytime soon.”

She thinks for a second. Don’t go there. “Maybe not soon,” she went there. “That doesn’t mean you never will. The only thing stopping you—“

“Is me,” I finish. “I know, and as long as I don’t want to I never will. Well, right now I don’t want to join a swim team. I don’t even want to go buy whatever we’re going to buy right now, but look at what we’re doing.”

“That’s because you can’t stop yourself from doing this. I won’t let you.” She smirks and I laugh uncomfortably.

I take a deep breath. “What is it we’re even going to get?” I ask.

“Oh, you’ll find out when we get there,” she teases. I feel like asking her where she learned what components a pony needs to prepare for anal but think better of it. I probably don’t want to hear that story.

We walk quietly for a while. I panic little bits, over and again about what I fear she’ll ask me in the silence. I don’t want her to bring up anything about my masseuse. I don’t want her to ask how I liked wearing the panties. I don’t want to talk about my feelings for Noh, or Stitches. I wonder if she’ll bring up Patches’ secret feelings, the theory of her possibly liking Pearl in such a way. I might be ok with that topic, but Pearl might not be. Plus, what if Patches didn’t like us talking about it? Would she ever find out? Not if we never brought it up.

“How do you think Lavandula’s doing?”

What the…? “Fine?” What kind of question is that? “I mean, he’s in prison, so…” She grins. Oh no, “What?”

“Well, Cosh told me he got some news about that particular fugitive. Apparently, during his hearing his lawyer pleaded insanity and had the judge move him from prison to an asylum.”

“They’re only fugitives if they escape,” I correct her. She shrugs. “But, I thought they could only plead insanity for murder cases?”

She shrugs again, “I wouldn’t know. Apparently the judge agreed he had some type of mental illness and had him transferred to the mental care ward.”

I think back to when we had spoken to him. The only thing I thought he could even have was bi-polar disorder. What else could be wrong with him? “So what happens to him in the mental ward?”

She shrugs yet again, “I dunno. If you want to go see him again, Cosh’ll probably tell us where—“

“I’ll pass,” I say defensively. I don’t know why. I’m afraid of him, I think. Not that he’s a rapist, but that his life’s more messed up than mine. That seems selfish, but I don’t have the power to help somepony like that. I can barely help myself anymore. Even growing up I always wanted to be the one that was there for other ponies. Thinking back, though, they always seemed so much more stable than I was. Maybe my memories are just a little confused with my emotions from today, everything I’ve been feeling recently is messing with how I actually felt back then. Maybe I really was the sturdy wall I’m sure I was. I wanted to be. Maybe my friends were all better than that, and never really needed me. Maybe I really only needed them to think I was important in their lives. What if they never actually thought of me like that? I hardly ever thought of them anymore, did they ever think of me like I made that kind of impact on their lives?

I’m moping again, I’m sorry. Though, not really. These are emotions I feel in my life. I write them down for my sake, in order to express them in the best way I know how, while also leaving good memories some place I can find them if I need them. I might feel down sometimes, lost in thought and digging a hole to die in, but I can always come back here to read what I’ve overcome and what things or ponies have helped me through. Minty Swirl helped me learn that the past is the best thing for preparing us for the future, and when the future is every day it’s important that I keep the past around to help me build a ladder and climb out of the hole the present is trying to bury me in.

“Here we are,” Pearl sings. I look up at the door. The sign doesn’t have the name of the store, only a suggestive image of a pony’s face surrounded by little circles, painted in pairs.

I remark, sarcastically, “Oh boy.”