The next morning found us back in the ruins of Ponyville, Abaddon having walked back during the previous night, and eating ‘demonic pancakes.’

Lucky had coined the term when she decided Catrix’s naked back made a decent stove, and proceeded to use her as such. The succubus herself had been attempting to sunbathe, claiming that it was relaxing despite its pointlessness. The rest of the extended sorta-family sat around a picnic style table on the deck and laughed at their bickering.

“I’d better get one of those you bitch,” Catrix snarled.

“Keep it up and all you’ll get is my skillet to the side of your head,” Lucky shot back.

“That’s not even yours! You jacked it from some schmuck down the hall,” Catrix pointed out.

“Semantics,” Lucky replied dismissively.

“Semantics my ass, you stole that pan and used it to steal my sun. Do you have any idea how rarely I get to do this?” Catrix argued.

“Hmmm, you live here. You could do this any day you wanted, but today we’re celebrating Lily’s recovery. So shut your fucking mouth and give me another ten degrees,” Lucky demanded. Both of them managed to hold their scowls for about five seconds before they erupted into laughter.

“Are they always like that?” Luna asked quietly, though she didn’t need to project her voice very far considering her head was resting on my shoulder. Luna had been leaning against me every chance she got, the opposite of smooth.

“Yyyyyeeeeeeeeppp, every...fucking...time. It’s become a running joke between them,” I replied.

“Never gets old,” Lily added through her mouthful of pancake. Though her head turned to face her mother and adopted aunt, her eye remained on Luna.

“It seems like that’s debatable,” Twilight giggled.

“I’m inclined to agree,” Tzu concurred.

“So...I have a theory,” Lily stated, changing the topic.

“Yes?” Luna inquired.

“Did you two celebrate Jay’s surgery performance a little early? Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled to not have a shattered brain case anymore, but I’d be happier for you if you did,” Lily continued.

“What does celebrating early have to do with anything?” Twilight asked, missing the point entirely.

“Is it that obvious?” Luna whispered loudly.

“Uh, yeah. You’ve definitely got the post celebration cling going on,” Lily confirmed.

“Don’t hurt yourself Twilight, it’s not that big of a deal,” I advised as Twilight struggled to decipher the mystery.

“But-” Twilight attempted before being cut off by Abaddon.

“They-” Abaddon managed before being cut off by me.

“ShutyourfuckingfaceAbaddon,” I ordered, “You’ll figure it out someday, probably when you’re the clingy one.”

“Oh come on Jay, it’s not something to be embarrassed about,” Catrix teased.

“I’m not, but it isn’t my place or nature to go around handing out other people’s private information,” I countered.

“Fair nuff, but it’s still not a big deal,” Catrix conceded.

“Didn’t I just say that?” I pointed out.

“You win, I admit defeat in this argument,” Catrix replied.

“So what’re we supposed to do now, is there some other crisis that we need to lay a smackdown on?” Lily asked, slamming one forehoof into the side of her other one dramatically.

“Eat breakfast, imitate a cowboy while Abaddon goes nuts on dead spiders, and fix my fucking town. In that order,” I answered.

“Won’t a certain somepony have to let go of you for at least one of those?” Lily teased.

“Am I being too forward? I can let go,” Luna offered, straightening in her chair.

“You’re fine, I’d say we’ve both earned a little rest after the week we’ve had. If you want to lean on me, then feel free,” I replied, prompting Luna to return to my shoulder and wrap a wing around my torso.

“I remember when my Silver and I would sit like that, you’d need more than some jokes to get us apart though. Maybe a crowbar would’ve done it...nah, you’d need at least three cranes,” Lucky chimed in, smiling wistfully.

“Hey mom? Who’s running the hotel?” Lily asked.

“Cheryl, she’s been taking over a lot of your old jobs lately. Been real enthusiastic about it ever since Jay called her back. Eh, must’ve missed us,” Lucky responded.

“I removed the bombs her kind left in her body and replaced them with a death threat of my own,” I corrected, making both mother and daughter look over in surprise.

“She was some kind of spy? Or assassin?” Lily guessed.

“Spy,” I confirmed.

“Wait. I’ve seen you get hit with a house, what could a bomb possibly do?” Lucky asked.

“Disperse the one thing toxic to us throughout her body,” I replied.

“That stuff you keep under guard and won’t let anyone even see? Where would they have gotten that?” Lily pressed. Twilight and Luna kept looking between them as they tried to follow what was happening. Catrix had fallen asleep.

“Abaddon, was any of the cure missing when it was moved here?” I asked, outright fearful of the implications now that the connection had been made.

“No, the amount matched your records. If I may propose an alternative, did Dopple assist you when you invented the cure?”

“No, but he had access to my notes. I wrote down the formula in case I ever got the nerve to check out,” I explained, “Fuck.”

“What!?” Luna exclaimed, turning me to hold both of my shoulders, “Are you suicidal? Please, if nothing else matters to you, please don’t leave me alone in this world again.”

“I almost was. After I scrapped the plan to kill your sister and then Fang lost his mind, I was in a limbo of sorts. I had no goals left, my plan to raise the enforcers into functioning independent beings was all but crushed, Chelly’s smear campaign had made it near impossible to make friends, and my only remaining one had recently passed. I was tired of losing everything over and over again. So yeah, I thought about it,” I explained, “But I’m not in that place anymore and I wouldn’t do that to you anyway, not to mention that your very existence is a bulwark against me being alone.”

“Sounds awfully similar to what drove me insane, I just tried to take everybody else with me,” Luna sighed.

“Tell you what, how about we stop beating ourselves...and each other up about the past and just move forward. Two immortals keeping each other from going crazy, sounds like a good drama to me,” I proposed, already knowing Luna’s answer.

“Deal. We’ll be stuck together for eternity, but we’ll face it together,” Luna declared.

“Is it just me or was that the cheesiest line of all time?” Lily teased, ruining Luna’s pleased expression.

“Thank goodness you never heard the shit that your father and I said, we were almost as bad. Honestly, I’d pick on Jay’s little excuse for being a coward more than Luna here,” Lucky added, throwing me a harsh glare for a second before letting up.

“I thought it sounded roman-wait, that was innuendo earlier...Ohmygosh, you two-” Twilight began, freezing before she could voice her accusation.

“What’s the matter? We’re a married couple and we’re allowed to make our own decisions, everypony at this table, and sleeping near it, will tell you that it’s completely natural,” Luna countered. I took a glance around to make sure we were alone, I’d rather not deal with Celestia’s wrath right now.

“And fun as hell,” Lucky added.

“Thank you Lucky, though I’d encourage Twilight to find herself a proper spouse rather than chase stallions for fun,” Luna admonished lightly.

“Prude,” Catrix accused, though she remained face down on the deck.

“Oh good, you’re awake. Your pancake is getting cold,” Lucky advised.

“Blasphemy, I refuse to eat cold pancakes!” Catrix cried as she shot to her feet and slid into the nearest seat, right where Lucky was about to sit.

“Bitch,” Lucky complained before walking around the table to sit in the only other open seat.

“This has to mean something though. Is Equestria going to have a new prince or princess?” Twilight finally managed to ask.

“It’s a little soon to assume that I’m pregnant...Are you calling me FAT?” Luna cried, looking between her panicking student and her almost non existent belly frantically.

“NO no no no, that’s not what I meant. I’m so sorry you’re not fat I just thought-” Twilight rambled before she was cut off by Luna’s laughter.

“I’m only teasing Twilight. But no, all this means is that I have a new method for relieving stress and exercising at the same time. Admittedly, it is more fun than fighting Mike type enforcers,” Luna replied, not even attempting to hide her smile.

“Really? Is that all? ‘Cause you seemed awfully possessive for someone looking for a little stress relief,” Catrix pressed.

“Says the third wheel,” Luna countered.

“Oooooooh shit, shots fired,” Lily laughed.

“Third wheel? So you didn’t need my help to make a move?” Catrix mocked though her mouthful of pancake. Luna sputtered as she tried to think of a comeback.

“One: damn that’s harsh. Two: I didn’t make all these damn cakes for y’all to stare at them, fucking eat or I’ll feed you,” Lucky threatened. Twilight and Luna followed Lily’s lead in shoving as much pancake into their mouths as possible, correctly assuming that Lily knew what that meant. I had been eating my own stack while I watched the show.

“Hey Jay, you wouldn’t happen to have any manticore sausage would you?” Catrix requested.

“As if I’d go without, best breakfast food since bacon,” I replied with a wave at Abaddon’s secondary.

“Thanks,” Catrix said gratefully as she accepted the ground meat and grilled it with her hand.

“Someday I’ll find a creature that tastes good when sliced and fried,” I lamented.

“Eww, that doesn’t sound good at all,” Twilight argued.

“Not to you, but we predators love our crispy, salty, tasty meat,” I replied, having to force myself to not salivate.

“Ummm,” Twilight managed, blushing slightly.

“I feel like you’re making fun of me,” Luna commented.

“I really miss good bacon, nothing here tastes right,” I complained.

“What was it where you come from?” Luna asked.

“Pig,” I replied.

“Fat or greedy?” Twilight confirmed.

“Coincidence here, based on the animal there,” I groused.

“Let’s...just find something else to talk about,” Luna offered, “Like what are we supposed to do after we get Ponyville repaired?”

“Could always swing by Canterlot to check on the army, see how their training is going,” I proposed.

“They alternate between classes on unit tactics and peer to peer sparring,” Twilight replied, causing everyone to look at her, “What? Shiny tells me things. He used to write to me about the new stuff he had learned, but it’s all just ranting about work these days. Well, I guess even the captain of the guard needs someone to talk to, even if it’s his little sister bes-”

“You BITCH! I’LL KILL YOU! ” Lucky screeched, making it halfway across the table before I caught her. Lily however, had been sitting next to Twilight and had to be pulled off of the stunned unicorn by Luna’s telekinesis.

“Both of you chill the fuck out,” I ordered, “I’ve known for days. My feud with Shining Armor doesn’t extend to his family anymore, his mother put that to an end.”

“Mine does,” Lucky seethed.

“I’m out, I won’t share oxygen with Armor’s ilk,” Lily declared as she teleported just out of Luna’s telekinetic field and walked away.

“What did I do?” Twilight asked shakily, returning to her hooves. Now that we could see her face, it was clear that she’d have a pair of black eyes and triple that in other bruises later.

“You were spawned by the same damnable ponies as that bastard you call a brother,” Lucky spat.

“Lucky, cool it. Shining has been hunting me since he got promoted. He’s gotten more...zealous as time has gone by.”

“He turned my Mary into a fucking fugitive! She’s never done anything wrong in her life and he locked her in a dungeon, she’d still be there if Jay hadn’t broken her out,” Lucky continued.

“But-” Twilight attempted.

“Chelly had a section set aside for anyone who might know where I am. No courts, no rights, no dignity. I collapsed the place when I got Mary out and beat the tar out of Chelly for ever trying it, let her know I wouldn’t tolerate another violation of our deal,” I explained, cutting off her obvious question.

“Shiny really did that?” Twilight confirmed, tears welling in her eyes.

“Celestia has a way of getting in people’s heads and twisting them to fit what she wants. I’m pretty sure the biggest reason she hates me is because I won’t play along. I don’t really hate your brother, and I certainly won’t condone violence against you or your parents, but I also won’t protect him,” I responded grimly, “That said, I think Vee and you would be fast friends Lucky.”

“You want me in the same room as the one who birthed my nemesis?” Lucky deadpanned.

“Seriously? Shining could be called Mary’s nemesis, but yours too?” I critiqued.

“What if I ended this, would you all get along then?” Luna proposed.

“If Mary can come home and Armor never bothers us again, I’d consider it,” Lucky allowed after a moment to think.

“Abby, I’m going to need a quill, parchment, ink, and a royal guard. A pegasus if possible. Lucky, what is Mary’s full name?” Luna began, already taking the offered Items and preparing to write.

“Marijuana Bud,” Lily replied, causing Luna to pause.

“What?”

“It’s a plant, just like the rest of them, but marijuana is a drug when smoked. It also doesn’t exist on this world, I’ve looked,” I explained.

“I’d heard it somewhere before,” Lucky said defensively.

“I’ll need it spelled,” Luna responded as she returned her attention to the quill before her and began to write. For our benefit, she spoke as she wrote.

Dear Captain Armor,

It has come to my attention that you have been hunting one ‘Marijuana Bud,’ or Mary as she is more commonly known. I have also been informed that this is because she may know Jekyll’s location. While I understand that you are simply complying with my sister’s orders as best you can, this is unacceptable.

Getting Lucky and her family are my personal friends, I will not have them targeted by Celestia’s vendetta. You are to consider this letter her royal pardon and your official orders to never harass them again. You may contact me directly if you have any questions or doubts about the validity of this document.

P.S. If you really need to know where Jekyll is at any given time, he’s typically three feet to my right.

Signed,

Princess Luna, Diarch of Equestria, Ruler of the Night, concerned friend

“Now to add my seal and charge the paper, just so he knows for sure who it’s coming from,” Luna declared.

“I’m on your left though,” I pointed out.

“I said typically,” Luna countered.

“You think a letter will fix this?” Lucky asked skeptically.

“I hope it does, Shiny is a good pony. I just can’t understand why he would do that,” Twilight commented.

“Speaking of your brother and his hostility towards me and mine, how is he okay with you being on the same continent as me?” I asked.

“That bit may have slipped my mind when I was writing my letters,” Twilight confessed.

“Ha!” I exclaimed, “Now that’s funny.”

“Where did you say you were?” Luna asked.

“Most of us are claiming to be at a refugee camp south of here,” Twilight responded meekly.

“You shouldn’t lie, much less to your family. Tia and I may not get along all the time, and we may not see each other often anymore, but I have never lied to her. If she teleported here right now and asked me if Jay and I were married, I would tell her,” Luna advised.

Twilight sighed and refused to meet her gaze for a moment, “It won’t go well.”

“That’s Captain Armor’s problem...and maybe Jay’s,” Luna began.

“What’s he going to do, march your army down here to annoy Abaddon?” I dismissed.

“But it’s important to avoid pushing-” Luna continued before Lucky cut her off.

“Are you lot going to help my daughter or do I need to go get Pepper’s spatula?” Lucky all but shouted.

“We’ll finish this conversation later then. Twilight, do you know where Captain Armor would be around this time?” Luna asked, the glint of an idea forming in her eyes.

“No,” Twilight replied.

“That...is annoying. But nevertheless, I’d like you to accompany guardspony-oh dear. Bluff, I’m so sorry about Green,” Luna stammered, her previous thought erased as she faced the pegasus.

“Thanks,” Bluff replied dully.

“Do you have any family in Canterlot?” I asked, well accustomed to mourning soldiers.

“No, it was always Doll, me, and…” Bluff trailed off.

“Maybe you should be with your brother then, take as much time as you need,” I advised, patting him on the shoulder supportively as he wandered back towards the door. The blood and hair samples were purely an opportunistic bonus.

“Abby, is there another pegasus guard on board?” Luna asked quietly.

“No ma’am,” Abaddon replied.

“I’ll do it, been a hot minute since I got to play the stealthy type,” I stated.

“Wouldn’t you still be discovered when you gave Shiny the letter?” Twilight asked.

“You don’t seem to understand…” I began, reaching up and pulling the left side of my torso off. I shifted into an exact copy of Bluff as I finished my sentence, “...my definition of stealthy.”

“Sorry, I forgot how...crazy that stuff got,” Twilight apologized.

“Hold onto this for me Abaddon. Better yet, have a squad of Gammas keep it nearby in case shit goes sour,” I ordered, passing my discarded biomass to one of Abaddon’s tendrils. I gave my ‘new’ wings a couple test flaps and found them adequate. ‘Still fucking itchy though.’

“This will do. Twilight, why don’t you teleport the both of you into the guard barracks. From there you shouldn’t have any trouble finding Captain Armor,” Luna said as she passed me her letter. It quickly found a home under my left wing, where it was further secured by a pair of tendrils.

“Um, I can’t make that teleport. I just don’t have all the information, like the exact distance or our current elevation,” Twilight responded, sounding embarrassed.

“Another trick forgotten by time, I suppose this is a good time for another lesson. You may often find that the best techniques are also the simplest. Such as a teleport chain, where the caster repeatedly teleports as far as they can see,” Luna instructed.

“Negating the need for distance calculations,” Twilight deduced.

“Exactly. It isn’t uncommon for skilled mages to teleport mid-air multiple times in order to scale obstacles. I might suggest doing just that, teleport above the city, get your bearings, and then teleport to your destination. However, you must orient yourself quickly or else face gravity’s wrath,” Luna continued.

“Because of the momentum conservation. This just got scarier,” Twilight commented.

“Take heart my student, Jay won’t allow you to come to harm. And even if you did, an excellent surgeon would already be right there,” Luna joked in an attempt to lighten the mood.

“I guess...Okay, I’m ready,” Twilight declared as her horn lit. I quickly wrapped a foreleg around her neck before she could leave me behind. One flash later and we were in the air.

“Bitch still ruined breakfast,” Lucky griped.

“Oh shut it you old bag,” Catrix shot back, having ignored the rest of us while she ate.

“You-you’re older than me!” Lucky stammered.

“Wine and milk, my friend, wine and milk,” Catrix replied sagely.

I could only laugh.

“Okay, see if you can put weight on it now,” I instructed as I finished stitching Twilight’s navicular bone back together. Twilight gingerly set her hoof on the ground and nodded.

“It feels better,” she confirmed.

“Now to clean up your face,” I continued, wiping away Twilight’s tears.

“How did you repair my leg so quickly? I didn’t sense any magic,” Twilight wondered aloud.

“Broken bones and torn flesh are the same thing on the cellular level, and equally easy to sew back together. All I really do is mimic the body’s natural healing at a faster pace,” I explained, “Are you ready to start looking?”

Twilight nodded again and led the both of us out of the alley she had teleported into. As we neared the main building of the barracks, I found I was getting a fair number of disdainful looks. While I knew that it was probably because of my silver armor and shaggier fur, it still set me on edge. A fight would not be helpful.

“Bluff, is that you? What in Celestia’s name have they done to you?” an earth pony guard asked as we approached.

“Some armor enchantments and even more lost sleep,” I joked, making a few assumptions about the rapid change in the guards’ appearance.

“That’s rough, you looking for the captain?” the guard asked.

“Yeah, how’d you know?” I replied.

“You’ve got a letter with his name on it and his sister to hide behind,” the unknown guard answered, “Half the colts are already looking for places to hide, the other half haven’t heard yet.”

“It’s not that-yes it is, it is that bad. Shoot. Please tell me he’s not in his office, that latch catches me every time,” I begged, earning a laugh out of the stallion.

“Worse, he’s in the yard. Nowhere to hide, half a mile to escape,” the guard laughed.

“Gotta face the music eventually, right? Thanks dude,” I bid as I started leading Twilight away.

“Dude? When did you start saying ‘dude’ Bluff?” the guard asked in confusion, hurrying to catch up.

“Would you believe me if I told you Princess Luna talks like that? Everypony’s ‘dude’ around there,” I lied, hoping he would take the bait and back off.

“No, I wouldn’t believe you. And I’m starting to doubt that you’re actually Bluff, you could be one of those monsters,” the guard said suspiciously.

“Dude, I’ve been awake for three bucking days and Green got bucking murdered yesterday. I’m bucking sorry if I’m acting a little bucking weird,” I snapped, rounding on the stallion angrily. Hopefully the grief card would be enough to make this guy go away.

“Ponyfeathers, I’m sorry. They’ve still got you working?”

“Only bucking pegasus guard, but I’ll get some time off as soon as I get this done,” I responded, adding some impatience to my voice.

“Alright, alright, I’ll let you go. But for the sake of argument, what’s my name?” the guard asked.

“Whelp, I tried. Your name is Lunc-” I began, preparing to consume the guard. If he was allowed to live, I would be discovered, Luna’s letter would be thrown out, and Twilight’s credibility would be destroyed.

“Flash Sentry,” Twilight interrupted, “Bluff isn’t doing nearly as well as he lets on, he actually forgot my name earlier. Say, why don’t you walk with us? Bluff is mostly just escorting me, so he can take the easy job of following us while we talk.”

“Um-I-uh-okay,” Flash stammered, moving past me to walk next to Twilight. He just stared at her as she talked about her new friends and the times they’d had, sending my inner Catrix into fits of hysteria.

“...and that’s when AJ apologized for being so stubborn and inspired me to write my first friendship report for Princess Luna,” Twilight concluded as we reached the yard. I could see Shining from here, the way his foreleg would raise to hover next to his head when he disciplined a recruit was unmistakable.

“That does sound like fun,” Flash commented, actually speaking.

“It is, and since Princess Luna lives in Ponyville right now and doesn’t have court or nobles to deal with, she’s always around to teach me all kinds of new things. Well, I guess they’d be old things. But they’re not well known, like today she taught me how to make long distance blind teleports safely,” Twilight continued. Either these two were old friends, or she had a crush on this guard. Flash definitely had a thing for Twilight.

“Hey Flash, Luna’s night guard is short staffed. She’s mainly looking for unicorns and pegasi since we already have a bunch of earth ponies,” I offered, getting a grateful look from my ‘friend.’

“Voluntary transfer? Who’s the captain?” Flash asked before Twilight had a chance to start up again.

“Yep, all of us are volunteers. However, Jekyll is the captain for now. Yeah, that Jekyll. He’s not actually that bad of a boss, hasn’t eaten anypony, one and three work schedule, prefers his things for the princess’s protection. Pay’s the same as any other volunteer job, reg plus twenty,” I replied, getting my figures from the last time I had poked through Abaddon’s memories.

“Cake gig like that, it’d take that monster’s rep to keep ponies away. If Princess Luna found a pony cap, I’d be all over it. But facing that thing everyday? I don’t know Bluff,” Flash said indecisively. Twilight seemed to take this as her cue to make a recruitment attempt.

“He’s not as bad as Princess Celestia makes him out to be, he saved my life during the fight with Nightmare Moon,” Twilight added, “Besides, Ponyville is wonderful. Everypony is nice and neighborly, and the town is beautiful. At least it was.”

“Both of you think it would be a good post? I guess I’ll ask about the tour lengths, see if they aren’t too long,” Flash reluctantly agreed.

“Flash, dude, haven’t you been listening? This posting is voluntary, there are no tour lengths. When you want to return to civilization, you let the captain know and take off,” I pointed out, making a note to adjust how the rest of the guard was organized so I wasn’t lying.

“Alright, you’ve convinced me. I’ll let Captain Armor know I want a transfer,” Flash agreed more confidently.

“You owe me,” I whispered in Twilight’s ear.

We continued making small talk as we walked the rest of the way towards where Shining Armor stood, though he was so engrossed in reaming the recruits that he didn’t notice our approach until we were almost on top of him.

“This had better be-Twily? What happened to your face? If one of these-” Shining attempted, his concerned tone becoming an angry growl.

“No! One of my new neighbors just learned that we’re related,” Twilight began.

“And?” Shining prompted.

“She’s one of Marijuana Bud’s sisters,” Twilight finished.

“I’ll see her in irons by the end of the day,” Shining promised angrily.

“Sir, you should read this. It’s from Princess Luna,” I interjected, offering the letter I carried with one of my wings.

“Personal correspondence from the mysterious Princess Luna? It can wait until my little sister gets some medical attention and I find the one who did this,” Shining dismissed.

“No sir, it’s related to the family in question,” I insisted.

“Fine,” Shining snapped, taking the letter in his telekinesis and unfolding it. His mood soured more and more with every line he read, “I want to believe this is fake, I want to ignore the signature and seal and magical energy, but it’s all there.”

“Shiny, I heard their version of what happened. I need to hear yours,” Twilight pleaded.

“Being captain of the royal guard has two main priorities: ensure the guard is ready for any threat to her majesty and bring Jekyll to justice by any means necessary. I knew Mary knew where he was hiding, what alias he was using, everything. Procedure is to bring the subject in for an interview and hold until we get the required information, but my involvement ended at the capture. I don’t know what they did down there, and I never will. That monster tore everypony in that dungeon apart when he came for her, I still see the walls when I try to sleep,” Shining explained, shivering at the memory, “And now, now Princess Luna is ordering me off my only lead.”

‘What the hell? I didn’t kill anyone when I busted Mary out. Beat them unconscious sure, but I didn’t kill them,’ I thought, “Do you need one? He’s not hiding anymore.”

“No, I don’t need Mary anymore. But she’s still an escaped prisoner, and I’m still the captain of the royal guard,” Shining argued.

“Shiny, do you remember when you were studying for your entrance exams? The way I’d quiz you? What’s the statute involving apprehension of suspected criminals?” Twilight asked.

“Twily I-” Shining attempted.

“No, I may not be a lawyer or guardspony, but I remember you telling me that even the princesses are bound by the law. I remember when you cared about the specific wording of those statutes, even if it was because you wanted the best possible score. That order was illegal Shiny, but more importantly it was wrong,” Twilight admonished, making her brother flinch.

“Okay, I’ll pass the pardon along to the records ponies. Twily, I…” Shining trailed off.

“You’re sorry? Good, so am I. Shiny, I lied to you. There isn’t any refugee camp, Jekyll offered everypony in the town free housing until he could get the damage repaired. I’ve been living in that giant creature, its name is Abaddon,” Twilight confessed.

“YOU WHAT? Celestia’s mane Twilight, you could’ve died. What if he found out about our relation? Can you possibly imagine what mom would say?” Shining raved.

“About that. Shiny, he does know you’re my brother. Also apparently he’s friends with mom, so I’d guess that she’d send me back with food,” Twilight responded. Shining sat down dizzily.

“This is too much. I-I think I should ask mom myself,” Shining stated after a moment.

“I’ll go with you, apparently I owe her an extra hug for saving us from Jekyll,” Twilight added.

“Sir, if I could have a moment? I’d like to request a transfer to Princess Luna’s personal guard,” Flash added before the siblings had a chance to walk away.

“Sure, tell whoever and go,” Shining replied absently as Twilight led him away.

“Well my job’s done, see you on the giant monster,” I bid as I tried to walk away, soon discovering I had a pegasus on my tail, “What’s up?”

“Hey Bluff, I was wondering...could you put in a good word with Captain Jekyll? Maybe it’ll keep me from peeling potatoes, or being the potatoes,” Flash requested.

“I think he’d take it better if you were there,” I ‘mused.’

“He’s the type that likes to size up his troops? Just like Sergeant Custard, you remember that old stallion? Oh wow, I’m about as nervous as a goat in dragon county,” Flash rambled.

“Dude, calm down. Go take care of your transfer and I’ll fly down with you,” I offered.

“You sure you’re not going to fall out of the sky?” Flash asked, seeming grateful for the distraction.

“Yes, but I do have a backup plan. Kinda. Miss Sparkle and I didn’t come alone, the others are waiting for me just outside the city. The captain didn’t want them in the streets after the ruckus they caused the last couple times,” I explained.

“You’re sure it’s safe?” Flash confirmed.

“Okay Flash, this is getting old. Twilight lost her fear of Jekyll and his kind in about an hour, do you really want her to see you rattling your armor every bucking day,” I challenged.

“I don’t-” Flash attempted.

“Stow it, I’m not blind. I’ve seen the way you look at her...and I’ve heard the way she rambles at you like a schoolfilly. I’d wager a year’s pay that you have a real shot with her, but not if you’re too scared to follow where she walks calmly. It’s time to stallion up or shut up, which is it gonna be?” I asserted.

Flash took a moment to steel himself before replying, “You’re right, let’s go. My sergeant already gave me the okay and I can get my stuff later, I should get there before I panic again.”

“You already found your sergeant? That was quick,” I commented as I got in position to take off..

“She wasn’t too far from Captain Armor, heard the whole thing. Almost seems like fate wants me on that thing,” Flash responded wistfully, the promise of being near his crush briefly overpowering his fear.

“Or the captain wanted every sergeant worth their rank there to deal with the new recruits,” I countered as I heaved my weakened self into the air.

“I think you need to hit the gym Bluff, looking a little shaky there,” Flash teased as we gained altitude and headed towards the edge of the city.

“Just hungry and tired, this’ll be a lot easier when we meet up with those Gammas,” I griped, missing my biomass more and more.

“Are those black things on the wall the ‘Gammas’ you’re talking about?” Flash asked.

“Yeah, that’s them. I’m get them to escort us back when we get closer, not even a fully grown dragon would mess with six of them,” I informed my wingstallion. Flash froze for a second but remained quiet until we reached my waiting guards.

“Sir, would you like one of us to wait for Mistress Twilight?” the squad leader asked.

“No, that’s just begging for contamination. Fall into formation around us and we’ll go back to Abaddon, I’m assuming the captain will just send another squad to watch over her,” I replied, cluing the Gamma into my ruse and subtly giving him orders to pass along.

“Wow Bluff, you must be one bad buck for these things to call you ‘sir,’” Flash commented.

“We refer to every male as ‘sir,’ it is simple politeness,” the Gamma responded as he moved into position with the rest of his squad.

The flight back was uneventful, save for the time I spent telling Flash some basic information about Abaddon and how to access the various amenities he had available.

“...But the biggest thing is to talk to the walls. I know it sounds crazy, but it works every time,” I concluded as we came in for a landing.

“I’m still alive, that’s enough for me right now,” Flash replied before noticing the midnight blue mare walking towards us and dropping into a bow.

“Rise, I don’t care for formalities. I trust Captain Armor received my letter well enough?” Luna asked with sarcastic formality.

“He did once Twilight reamed his ass for ignoring Equestrian law,” I replied, getting an odd look from Flash.

“Excellent, and you made a friend to boot,” Luna noted.

“Actually, it was your protege that found this one. Seemed like an old crush to me,” I corrected. Flash’s head tilted as his confusion grew.

“Oooh, this is good. From what I’ve heard, there were precious few things in this world that could’ve gotten her head out of those books before she moved down here. It’s nice to meet one of them,” Luna commented with a smile, “Well, come on then. What’s your story?”

Flash dumbly stepped forward at Luna’s offer and mumbled incoherently.

“Fear not, the novelty of my attitude will fade quickly. Just talk to me like I’m the earth pony that lives next door,” Luna advised.

“I don’t know what to say, nopony’s ever asked about me like this before,” Flash confessed.

“Hmm, how about you start with why you think Jay would want you here? I don’t believe he’s in the habit of personally escorting royal guards,” Luna prompted with a mischievous smile.

“Jay? I don’t know any Jay, Bluff here led-” Flash began, abruptly halting when he saw my new appearance. I had swapped out Bluff’s violet eyes for my normal red and his matching mane for my usual tendril dreadlocks, but it was probably the fang filled smile that was breaking his psyche the most.

“Buahahaha, it was meeee the whole time,” I declared in a purposefully bad impression of a campy supervillain, “Seriously though, nice teamwork. I’ve been biting my tongue since we left Canterlot.”

“I’m glad you had fun, meanwhile I’ve been laughing at the back and forth between Cat and Lucky. At least until Cat hit a nerve and Lucky punched three of her teeth out, they went their separate ways after that,” Luna replied.

“I thought you were him, but you’re you!” Flash exclaimed with the elegance of a king.

“I brought Captain Pronoun back because Twi seems to like him and I think he’s funny. He’s sharp too, nearly called me out before Twilight stepped up and distracted him,” I explained.

“Bwuh?” Flash managed.

“Abaddon, get Cat; I think I broke him,” I ordered, “Dressed, preferably.”

“Come now, he’s just scared and confused. we did spring a lot on him at once,” Luna reasoned.

“Yeah, probably. I’m still testing him though, I want to see how he reacts to Cat,” I responded.

Flash shook the cobwebs out of his mind when I mentioned testing and spun his head to face me, fear clear in his eyes, “Oh.”

“Don’t panic yet, you’re doing fine,” I reassured the pegasus, “Pretty easy to pass, just don’t run away or pass out.”

“It’s beneficial to be open minded around here,” Luna advised.

“Open minded? A creature I’ve been taught to hate my entire life is wearing my friend’s skin like a jacket, how much worse could it get?” Flash laughed, his joking attitude failing to hide his fear.

“Bluff’s mourning downstairs, I just copied his appearance,” I corrected as I returned to my normal shape and beckoned for the Gamma to give me my biomass back. Flash deflated in relief when Luna nodded in confirmation.

“That’s good, I was worried I’d be next. So what could be scary enough to send me running?” Flash asked.

“A demon might,” a scratchy voice growled from the shade of the doorway, Catrix stood just close enough for her silhouette to appear distorted and threatening. The glowing eyes was a nice touch as well.

Rather than react fearfully like he had been, Flash shifted into a combat stance and grit his teeth, “Come on then demon, I’ll give you a lesson in why you don’t mess with the guard!”

“Really? I’ve seen skamps more threatening than you…” Catrix growled before dropping her act and stepping into the light, “...or maybe you meant a different kind of lesson?”

“At least she’s not naked this time,” Luna commented as she pressed a hoof to her face.

“There is that,” I agreed, “Gotta wonder why though.”

“Abby told me Twilight likes this one, so I’m not really trying to bed him,” Catrix replied as she sauntered past the stunned pegasus and ran her finger along his wing.

“What the buck is going on?” Flash finally asked.

“Two things: One, we’re messing with you because the last two weeks have been a living Tartarus and we need to laugh or we’re going to cry. Two, the last set of guards to volunteer ended up on lockdown because they were openly hostile to everything that wasn’t a pony. Nopony likes being locked up for attacking their captain, so Jay and Cat are ensuring that you’re easy going enough to make it here,” Luna explained.

“Nice read, you’re picking up on this quick,” I complimented.

“Not too difficult once I figured out your teaching style,” Luna replied gratefully.

“But...why? I’m sorry, I just don’t understand why ponies would willingly be around you and demons at the same time. No offense of course please don’t eat me,” Flash asked.

“Take a look out there, the ruins of the town, the piles of bodies, but not one splash of color. Everything is brown and gray and black, broken timbers, cracked stone, and dead spiders. They trust us because we’ve never given them a reason not to, but we’ve been piling up another reason to trust us with every spider tossed onto the mounds. The townsponies expect the guard to protect them, we are the guard around here, and we held the line,” I explained, leading Flash to the edge of the deck as I spoke.

“You were in the middle of this? All of you?” Flash pressed, really seeing the damage for the first time.

“We were. It was a hard fight, and we took heavy losses, but we prevailed and not one townspony was injured,” Luna began proudly.

“Not too shabby for being outnumbered a million to one and throwing rookie troops into the grinder,” I continued.

“I died twice but gave better than I got and my kind were the ones to finish them off,” Catrix concluded.

“You worked together like the original three tribes? That’s something I can wrap my head around, thank you. I think I understand better now, this post is as much about accepting demons and whatever Captain Jekyll is like I would an earth pony or unicorn as much as it’s about protecting you Princess,” Flash reasoned wisely.

“It’s just Jay dude, and add loosening up to your list; we’re less serious here,” I amended.

“Ooookaay, though I still have one question,” Flash began.

“The pool is two floors down, Abaddon can lead you the rest of the way,” I answered, guessing at what his question could be.

“Why am I here?” Flash asked.

“Some might say that that’s one of life’s great mysteries. Why are we here? Is it some cosmic coincidence or is there really-” I attempted before Flash ruined my joke.

“No, I meant: why is there a guard detachment at all? You go hoof to hoof with Princess Celestia all the time, what could you need us for?” Flash clarified.

“Jay might tell you that you’re part of a token force to keep me from tarnishing my reputation by surrounding myself with monsters, but I think it’s part of one of his lessons. He wants me to learn how to lead ponies on a large scale by starting with a smaller sample, namely: you,” Luna explained.

“I’m going to sit you in a classroom until you forget how to read me,” I threatened jokingly.

“I had a hunch when you brought...Green and his friends on board, your non-reaction to housing Ponyville just solidified it,” Luna bragged, hesitating when her thoughts turned to the dead guard.

“That’s why you want us to speak freely,” Flash deduced, “I guess that’s okay. At least it means I won’t get eaten...it does right? He’s not going to eat me, is he?”

“Jay, don’t eat the new guard,” Luna ordered.

“Wasn’t planning on it, except for that time I was but Twilight saved you,” I confessed.

“What?” Flash asked, his eyes widening as his head snapped around to focus on me.

“Nothing worth worrying about,” I lied.

“I don’t believe you,” Flash deadpanned.

“Look, why don’t you head on inside and Abaddon will get your quarters set up. I bet if you asked nicely he’d give you a tour, show you the indoor pool and whatnot,” I suggested, gesturing towards the door.

“You keep talking about this Abaddon like he’s here,” Flash noted.

“I am, you’re standing on me,” Abaddon replied, forming a secondary next to Flash.

“For the record, this is scarier than your demon,” Flash stated as he started shivering.

“I have been called ‘a big softy’ by Mistress Luna, there is little to fear from me so long as you do not attempt to harm any of the other ponies. I also suggest looking to their example, they feel no fear in my presence even though they have seen me fight,” Abaddon assuaged as he led Flash away, his attempt at a distraction only prolonging the pegasus’s suffering.

“Jay now that we’re alone-” Luna began.

“Hey-yo!” Catrix called, having retired to try sunbathing again.

“Whatever you were there,” Luna shot back, “Anyway, I was wondering about that thing you did last night.”

“Late afternoon,” Catrix corrected, though we ignored her.

“A couple weeks ago you asked about what magic I could use, that’s the mind control I mentioned. Incubus magic. I knew Carl wasn’t controlling you because it always has external manifestations, the black eyes being the most noticeable and important. It’s not a controlled event like most of the lore you’ll find tells you, more of a net. Anything that looks at those eyes is snared and loses control of their body, they become helpless and are forced to watch their body move however it is directed,” I explained.

“Anything? Odd choice of word,” Luna asked.

“I got bored and made an ant engrave my wall,” I replied.

“That must’ve taken a while,” Luna commented, nodding slightly.

“It took a few hundred to complete it, they kept dying of old age. Anyway, it’s not hypnosis, like some other lore books will tell you, there aren’t limits to what it can do. If you were ordered to tear your heart out and eat it, you would keep trying until you died. Though it would be easier to tell the victim not to move their legs and walk around them, let the compulsion to maintain eye contact break their neck,” I continued.

“You originally described your abilities as ‘diabolical shit,’ I understand why now. This was meant for evil, wicked deeds. Please don’t use that on me again,” Luna requested.

“I didn’t mean to the first time, I’m sorry about that. I agree that it’s evil, thus why I almost never use it,” I apologized.

“‘Cept when I get him to,” Catrix bragged.

“And even then, it isn’t for long and in a controlled environment,” I added, tossing a glare her way.

“I’d question why Cat thinks that’s worth wanting or bragging about, but I’ve given up on understanding her,” Luna sighed.

“Give it a couple hundred years, she’ll be an open book,” I laughed.

“To better days,” I toasted before taking a measured sip from what might very well have been the last whiskey bottle on Equis, “I wish I had someone to talk to, just...anyone. Maybe Tzu will find someone else out there that isn’t crazy or Abby’ll come back from wherever he fucked off to, or maybe I’ll stop talking to myself. Probably none of the above.”

I took another sip from my bottle and debated whether I’d die from a swandive into a volcano or just end up trapped. I didn’t even know if there were any volcanos left, or where they could be.

“Somehow I doubt that,” Luna replied, unable to keep herself from cracking a smile.

“Nah, I’m not that complicated. Path of least resistance, avoid pain, all that nonsense,” Catrix rebutted.

“Yes, I can see how cramming an entire Rainbow Dash between your legs is the painless path of least resistance,” I replied sarcastically.

“Didn’t you say you needed two surgeries to undo everything?” Luna added.

“You can both go to Tartarus,” Catrix scoffed.

“Sure, I can check on my new armor while we’re there,” Luna replied happily.

“You placed that order yesterday, give Danny a little time,” I argued lightly.

“Danny?” Luna asked, raising an eyebrow.

“It was that or Eggman, demon names are too fucking hard to say,” I explained.

“So you just give them nicknames and call it done?” Luna pressed.

“Harry’s real name is Hargesdargefex, good fucking luck,” I rebutted.

“I understand now and admit defeat,” Luna conceded, bowing formally.

“We used to just call him ‘H,’” Catrix added with a laugh of her own now that she wasn’t the target of our jokes.

“Eh, ‘H’ brings back memories of a shitty actor who got paid way too much to wear sunglasses at night,” I complained.

“That gets me thinking, we should add a stage or theatre. Maybe the townsponies could put on a play, it’d be fun,” Luna suggested.

“It does sound entertaining,” Abaddon agreed.

“Sure, get the Bravos on it. Let’s add a game room while we’re at it, some pool tables, dart boards, all the bells and whistles. If nothing else, it’d be a good place for your guards to unwind,” I replied.

“Should I mimic your games or would you like me to contact Tzu about buying them?” Abaddon asked.

“Get Tzu to buy them and arrange their transportation, he’ll have as many enforcers as he deems appropriate,” I answered, “There’s an authenticity to a good old fashioned pool table that can’t be replicated with bone and muscle.”

“Twilight would love a library, you already have the books for it,” Luna suggested.

“Abaddon, how much space do we have left, excluding what we’ll need for the theatre and game room?” I asked.

“Eighty thousand cubic feet, this is also excluding the space currently devoted to housing the townsponies,” Abaddon answered.

“Wow, that expansion is really paying off,” I commented.

“That was the point,” Abaddon replied.

“True enough, make it so. Go around and ask the townsponies and guards what they want as well, maybe they’ll think of something cool,” I ordered.

“Many of them want to work again, reopen their shops, go back to their homes. I could provide storefronts but it would be a closed economy, what they need is their town back,” Abaddon responded after almost a minute.

“Anything else on the agenda for today or can we drop the locals and get stomping?” I asked.

“I’ll have them gather in the staging area, I assume you’ll want to remain on board?” Abaddon responded.

“You know it, this is gonna be fun!” I exclaimed.

Abaddon had all of the townsponies unloaded within the hour, leaving me to lead them to a safe spot where they could watch the first steps towards getting their town back. Or stomps in this case.

“This seems backwards, flattening the town to fix it,” Mayor Mare commented, looking out over the devastation from the hill we were gathered on.

“I haven’t heard a faster way to remove the millions of pony sized spider corpses,” I replied, already starting to get bored. ‘Come on Abby, get going. These baby steps will take forever.’

“Was tapping a hoof considered fast before...Oh, excuse me Princess, I wasn’t thinking,” Mayor Mare stumbled.

“It’s quite alright, I’m well past my...previous issues. I thought he was merely taking small steps but you’re right, he’s just tapping his foot,” I replied, tilting my head in confusion.

“That’s when we, that’s when we ride on these bitches.”

“Ah, that’s why. I suppose even Abby needs music to dance to,” I commented, “Keep watching everypony, and various other beings, this will be a sight to see.”

The best word I could use to describe Abaddon’s movements when the beat began would be frolicking, or maybe a seizure. Both perhaps?

“Ha! He dances just like Twilight!” Rainbow Dash laughed, alerting me to her presence.

“The sad thing is that he does,” Spike agreed, his voice coming from the space next to my left fetlock.

“It’s Spike right? I don’t believe we’ve been properly introduced, I’m Luna,” I greeted.

“Uh, yeah, everypony knows you Princess,” Spike replied awkwardly.

“Sorry, it’s just that I’ve been spending so much time with Twilight but I never seem to see you anymore,” I apologized.

“I’ve been staying with Rarity ever since the library got destroyed, she brought all of her stuff when she evacuated and I’ve been helping her catch up on her orders. So many rolls of silk alone, I don’t know how she carried it all,” Spike responded, showing his exhaustion for a brief moment.

“Never underestimate a determined pony, I myself have seen a normal earth pony break some of the strongest armor in Equestria,” I advised.

“Hehe, yeah, good times,” Lucky commented before returning to her own conversation.

“Her? Wow,” Spike replied.

“She was a little excited. Hey, Abby’s nearly done. Are you looking forward to having your home back?” I asked.

“I really am, though now it’s so I can find a dictionary. Unless you happen to know what a ‘faggot’ is?” Spike asked.

“Me,” Lyra snapped, stomping over when she heard Spike’s ignorant question, “Don’t you ever repeat that Spike, it’s incredibly offensive.”

“Oh? I admit that I don’t know its meaning either,” I prompted.

“It’s a derogatory term for homosexuals, one I particularly hate,” Lyra seethed.

“If it makes you feel better, I know Jekyll doesn’t hate you or others like you. I’d stake my crown that he picked the song because of the ditches part and how it fits with what Abby’s doing,” I placated.

“You don’t think I know that? I’m still mad that it’s in the chorus...and that Bon-Bon is dancing to it,” Lyra griped.

“She could just be happy that she’s getting her home back,” I guessed.

“Our home, and she’s singing along. She’s a lesbian too, it’s weird to hear her voice saying that,” Lyra continued.

“Didn’t you want to marry Jeff?” I asked.

“We did marry Jeff, thanks for letting the local gossips know. I’m still gay,” Lyra insisted.

“This is why nopony ever sees me anymore, you get to talking to other ponies and forget I exist,” Spike complained.

“Hey Cat!” I called, getting the succubus’s attention, “Come hang out with Spike while I keep Lyra from blowing a gasket!”

“You’re starting to sound like Jay!” Catrix shouted back, “I’ll be right over!”

“Forget what I said, you’re awesome,” Spike exclaimed as Catrix hurried over to us and scooped him up.

“So you and Jeff already tied the knot?” I confirmed, returning my attention to Lyra.

“He insisted that Bonnie was part of it too, some nonsense about having a healthy relationship. Bonnie actually liked the idea after the third night,” Lyra explained, a hint of perverse pride entering her voice.

“Lyra, there are fillies and colts present,” I warned.

“No details, of course. Anyway, Jeff managed to get Bonnie and I hitched, something I’ve been trying to do for years, and we both got married to him as a bonus. We call him Josie at home, just for our sakes,” Lyra continued.

“Well I’m happy for you, and Jay will be as well when he finds out,” I congratulated.

“If you’re sure he’s no bigot,” Lyra replied, her mood souring again even though the song had ended long ago.

“I watched him berate a mare for pushing her daughter to find a stallion, I’m fairly sure he doesn’t harbor any resentment,” I insisted.

“More like no feelings about it at all, kinda comes with being genderless,” Jay corrected, startling me. I hadn’t seen or heard him walk up from behind.

“Then what’s with the song?” Lyra accused.

“Dead in Ditches. The name ought to give you your answer,” Jay deadpanned.

“Still offensive,” Lyra griped.

“Can’t please everyone, why try?” Jay countered, his flippant tone catching me off guard, “Way I see it, it’s a waste of time and energy to get caught up in what other people think. Imma do me, you can go fuck yourself if that bothers you.”

“That’s...actually really similar to my attitude. If you’re really not homophobic and that was just a song, then I guess I should apologize for making such a fuss,” Lyra conceded.

“Don’t worry about it kid, you haven’t even come close to making what I would call a fuss. Chelly blaming me for a cloudy day and setting my forest on fire is making a fuss,” Jay replied.

“Did you push the clouds in?” I asked suspiciously.

“Yes, during her summer sun thing,” Jay admitted.

“Kinda defeats your point,” Lyra commented.

“She still made a scene,” Jay insisted.

“Fine, I give. When will our homes be fixed?” Lyra asked.

“Day or two, Jeff still has to rebuild the terrain and buildings,” Jay answered.

“So back in the monster?” Lyra confirmed.

“Abaddon, and yes. I thought you of all ponies would have a more open mind about us,” Jay responded tersely.

“Anything that keeps me from my home and spouse is a monster regardless of what it is. Until this is over, you, the spiders, and Abby are all monsters in my book,” Lyra spat.

“You understand that the word ‘monster’ is to me what ‘faggot’ is to you right? Makes my blood boil just thinking about all the people who’ve hidden behind that fucking word while they massacred innocents just because they were different. I’ve seen minotaurs hanged because they were born larger than their peers, gryphons burned alive for having the coloration of a rival town, ponies tied up and tossed into timberwolf dens just because they liked others with the same parts. They were all labeled as monsters and they died for it, killed by the real monsters.

“So if I’m in your fucking way, tough shit. I didn’t ask for my town to be attacked by some underground evil, hell I didn’t even know until it was on top of us. I am fixing your fucking houses with my bits and blood, and all I’ve asked for in return is some fucking patience. You are fucking welcome!” Jay ranted, stunning everyone else out of their conversations to look at him in embarrassment.

“I-” Lyra attempted.

“Oh, I’m not even close to being done. Do you have any idea how many homes your glorious leader has had repaired? Out of her own pocket? Not fucking one, Celestia might come in and save a city when she feels like it but she has never stuck around to fix anything. And somehow I’m the bastard? I save your lives, give you food and shelter, and rebuild your homes, never asking for a single bit, and all I get in return is bitching that I’m moving too slowly,” Jay continued, “Fuck you Lyra, your house will get done when it gets done and not one damn second sooner.”

“Jay wait!” I called as he stormed away.

“I’m sorry!” I heard Lyra shout, but I wasn’t paying much attention to her. I knew Luna was galloping after me, but I didn’t want to talk to her either. All I wanted was something alive I could justify punching until it wasn’t.

“Jay!” Luna shouted in my ear, breaking me from my mental torture of a long dead criminal.

“What?” I snapped, “Sorry, that just struck a nerve.”

“I noticed, and I’ve seen this look before; you wear it every time you want to punch something,” Luna replied.

“You have no idea. I don’t need that shit from them. Kids I’ll forgive, they don’t know any better. But Lyra? She has no right to call me a monster,” I seethed.

“I know, and she does too now. Let’s get back home and call it a day, I think we could both use some time to decompress,” Luna suggested.

“Even Cat has veiled her intentions better than that,” I commented.

“That’s not what I meant. I’m suggesting that we just lounge around for once,” Luna corrected.

“I’d like that,” I agreed, mentally planning out a version of my favorite chair that would fit Luna. We continued walking in a more comfortable silence for a few minutes before Luna spoke again.

“Hey, you remember what I said before about stress relief?” she asked.

“Fuckin’ called it,” I declared.

“No, I just wanted to say that it goes both ways. You gave me your body to work my frustrations out on, it’s only fair that I do the same. We may not be a normal couple, but we’re still partners in this. Equals,” Luna explained.

“Thanks Lu, but I still want to find a scumbag to punch,” I replied.

“Wow, that was stupid timing wasn’t it? I just realized that I was basically offering to let you punch me. Please don’t, by the way,” Luna requested.

“Wouldn’t dream of it, I still feel bad about the time that you got me to. I’m never doing that again, no matter how loose your grip on reality is,” I stated. We fell back into silence while we walked the rest of the way to Abaddon.

“Sir, Abaddon’s a bit giddy right now. It seems he’s been harboring a fair amount of malice for the spiders after they took him down twice,” Tzu cautioned.

“Thank you for reminding me,” Abaddon complained loudly enough for Celestia to hear him clearly in Canterlot.

“We all have something that we hate, mine’s the changelings. If you hate the spiders for the rest of your life, I’ll understand,” I reassured the gargantuan being before me.

“Jeffrey reports that he’ll have the terrain repaired by morning and the last of the houses by the end of tomorrow, however there are many items that he cannot replicate to an acceptable degree. Mostly books and other processed items, they will need to be replaced the normal way,” Tzu continued.

“Take what and who you need to get it done, same as always,” I ordered, “Make sure everything is immaculate and exactly how they left it, down to the food in their cabinets.”

“Yes sir,” Tzu replied, dutiful as ever, before hurrying off to make the arrangements.

“Do you want to fly up or just teleport?” I asked Luna, a bright flash from her horn gave me my answer. Glancing around, I found that we had been teleported directly into our room, “Okay then, guess you weren’t up for more walking.”

“Nope,” Luna answered as she leapt, pulling off half a backflip before landing roughly on the bed.

“I’d give that a seven out of ten for style.”

“Bite me.”

“Thank you for meeting with me Ambassador Cain, I’m sure we can find some way to put an end to this mess before it can even start,” Celestia greeted as a well dressed gryphon walked in. Neither of them thought to inspect the potted plant next to them, no one ever does.

“Absolutely, all you have to do is fall on my sword and the Alliance will back down. Of course, you’re not going to do that,” the gryphon replied arrogantly.

“There must be some way Equestria can appease the Alliance that doesn’t involve my death,” Celestia insisted.

The gryphon sighed loudly and found a chair to sit in, “I’m afraid it’s too late for that. Your repeated invasions may have brought the Alliance together, but it’s the promise of Equestria’s bountiful, safe land that wets their appetite now. The best option for you would be to test your wings, preferably from a window facing away from the mountain or city. The generals are not as polite as myself, and will kill you much more slowly.”

“Did you only come to threaten me Cain? I would love to see some pansy little tweeter general even think he could beat me,” Celestia growled.

“One may not have any chance, but how many can you hold off before one of our blades or bullets finds your horn?” Cain pressed.

“Get the buck out of my castle before I get angry,” Celestia threatened.

“As you wish, it will belong to me soon enough anyway,” Cain replied flippantly as he turned to walk out. As the last words left his beak, Celestia’s eyes flashed and the gryphon exploded.

Another gryphon that had been waiting outside took off running before she too could be reduced to paste. In her haste, she bumped into a royal guard and jabbered incoherently as she tried to placate him and get away from the angry alicorn at the same time. Her glasses slipped as she frantically looked back, exposing her crimson eyes for a brief moment.

The guard shrugged the panicking gryphon off and looked back towards the throne room in irritation, giving any onlookers a glimpse of his own red irises in the process.

“Fuckin’ called it!” I repeated, holding my fist in the air triumphantly.

“I need better insults, the ones I know just cannot express how stupid you’re being,” Luna complained, holding a hoof over her eyes in sympathetic embarrassment.

“Whatever, you’re just mad because I know you too well,” I replied.

“I’m not mad at all, but you’re warm and I wanna cuddle,” Luna argued, “You celebrating something so trite like a colt is keeping me from enjoying my afterglow.”

“Alright, c’mere you,” I said as my hand dropped onto Luna’s shoulder and pulled her into my embrace.

“Much better, thank you,” Luna replied before yawning loudly, “I’m going to rest my eyes, wake me up in an hour or two.”

“Something about enjoying your afterglow?” I asked as Luna’s eyes drifted shut.

“Yes, and I’m going to do so by taking a nap,” Luna insisted. Her tone brooked no argument and she was fast asleep within seconds, leaving my left arm trapped and blood starved under her barrel.

“Definitely not the worst position I’ve been trapped in,” I commented to myself as I rerouted my veins to go through the bed.

Author's Notes:

This must be the most injury filled chapter to date, first I get a concussion from a negligently opened drawer and earlier this week I got dumped off a roof because the ladder I was on lost its footing. Upside, I don't have a broken back and this one doesn't halt my ability to write.

Seriously though, I hope you all enjoy this chapter.

Eric's Editor's Note:

So.. it seems I had to remind someone that it is a baad idea to write concussed. -sigh- thus is the perils of the editor. xD

Well... I wasn't hurt. xD

Militia's Editor's Note:

Not to mention me getting my finger crushed on a hydraulic vice at 500 psi... Injuries all around this time.