Login

Discord Doesn't Even Want a Cult!

by TheDriderPony

Chapter 5: And he surveyed what had been made, and found it wanting

Previous Chapter

The elevator, such as it was, was surprisingly standard and nondescript given the extravagance of the rest of the building. The walls had a simple if elegant, wooden facade accentuated by a well-polished brass hoofrail. The only really notable thing about it at all was the floor.

It was a mess of tiny black and white tiles, either very recently installed or else maintained by a meticulous and uncompromising janitor. There was no pattern or order to their placement, but the much less numerous white tiles were still roughly equidistant from each other, making it look less like an expression of true random chance and more like a pixelized dalmatian pattern.

The hostess stood by the door and gestured for her three charges to enter. They did so dutifully, filing in quickly. Just before the hostess could enter as well and set them off on their way, a bellhop rushed over, frantically waving for her to hold the doors and wait. He quickly whispered something to her, ever aware of the high profile guests mere steps away, as he hoofed over a small slip of paper. Her brows furrowed in an expression of worry and irritation in equal measure. It took her a moment to reapply her mask of calm, inscrutable hospitality. She made a few quiet noises of agreement, and the bellhop took over once more.

The hostess finally entered the elevator and addressed her guests as the doors closed behind her.

"Unfortunately, I've just been informed that due to the infrequency at which the Princess suite is booked it will take slightly longer than our usual standard to prepare it with all of the suitable amenities and accoutrements. I'm terribly sorry for this inconvenience."

"It's no problem," Twilight waved it off with an understanding hoof. "These things happen."

"Thank you. In the meantime, while your suite is being prepared, since you expressed some interest in the Chaos Connection Society, perhaps I could interest you in an abbreviated tour of the facilities?"

Twilight, Discord, and Spike shared a brief glance with each other. It was quicker than they'd planned to infiltrate, much quicker, but it'd be foolish to turn down such a ideal and lucrative opportunity. They turned back to her, all smiles.

"That sounds absolutely delightful," Discord grinned.

With a thankful smile, the mare pressed the button for a floor about a third of the way up, and the doors closed behind her.

"So then, my dear lady," Discord filled the awkward silence that accompanies the start of any elevator journey, "While I am well aware that this place is where the Chaos Connection makes it's home, is it true that they also hold ownership over the entire hotel and casino?"

"You are quite well informed sir," she confirmed.

"For a group that talks a lot about chaos," Twilight commented, "the lobby looked pretty normal to me, Miss...?"

"Swelter," she replied, "Summer Swelter. And yes, your confusion is perfectly understandable. While this building, formerly the Bon Chance Hotel and Casino, has been a landmark of Las Pegasus for over seventy-five years, only recently was it purchased by the Church and transformed into it's new headquarters. As such, renovations are still underway. Even now, many former bedrooms and conference halls are being converted into housing and functional space for the Congregation's use."

"Housing?" Spike questioned, "You mean ponies live here?"

"Oh yes. While there are few regular members who have taken up a full-time residence, nearly all of the upper ranking members and figures of authority have permanent accommodations within the building. As full dues-paying members of the Chaos Connection, they are provided full room and board, as well as regular access to meal services and round-the-clock access to all religious based resources and services."

"I couldn't help but notice how you seem to be regularly changing the Chaos Connection's title," Discord pointed out. "Is there some reason for that, dearie, or perhaps was there some sort of issue with the filed paperwork?"

"Oh no issues, sir." She quickly refuted, "Staff is in fact encouraged to continually change the Connection's title in general conversation, in order to better promote the chaotic principles on which it is based.

"I see..." His voiced was tinged with some indecipherable note of interest.

The elevator dinged as the latticed door slid open before them with a soft mechanical clatter, breaking the awkward silence which had grown in the wake of Discord's nonreply.

"Here we are." Swelter announced, stepping out quickly to avoid blocking the other's path. "Please exit this was towards the main lobby of the Chaos Connection."

The trio of secret investigators stepped forward as one, and braced themselves for whatever strange and absurd feature might be present in the entryway of a group which touted chaos as it's banner. Before their astonished gazed laid...

...a hallway. A completely ordinary hallway with no doors aside from the one behind them. They weren't even properly at the end of the hallway, rather they were a fair distance away with a dead end several paces to their right.

Discord tallied points in his head. As suspicious as he was about anything (other than himself of course) that claimed to be some sort of true chaos, he had to give this society points. Entering awkwardly into a hallway rather than a grand entryway was a surprisingly chaotic decision, one which he could agree with. Perhaps there might be some merit afterall...

"We apologize for this inconvenience," Swelter said, ruining Discord's moment, "But due to the placement of several load-bearing walls, reconstruction efforts were unable to place the reception hall immediately before the elevator doors." She gestured left and took a few steps ahead. "If you'll just follow me though, we'll arrive just beyond the turn in the hallway ahead."

They fell into line behind their guide, Discord hiding his pout at the lost potential behind the resting-displeasure face that many rich ponies inevitably develop. Twilight and Spike walked behind him, each keeping a wary eye out for anything that might signal any malicious intent or evil doomsday-cult inclinations.

The first thing to strike them about the actual reception hall was the colors. While the painting itself was neat and professional, everything was in loud bright colors which clashed like a colorblind clown's costume. One wall was a bright crimson while it's opposite was pale yellow. The floor festooned itself with a checkerboard pattern of shag carpet and marble tiles. No two pieces of furniture came from the same set, or even similar schools of design. Two clerks sat on uncomfortable-looking abstract chairs behind a vintage antique desk.

And, most eye-catching of all, behind the clerks stood a statue, if one could call it that. It was a monstrous figure. It's limbs were strange and mismatched, with a sinewy body far longer than any pony. It's proportions made a funhouse mirror look decently accurate, but most unsettling of all was it's face. Despite it's horrifying appearance, somepony had taken the time and dedication to make it's expression as warm and inviting as possible, like a mother beckoning in children from the cold. The contrast between face and body was... disturbing, to be polite.

Most ponies would have stopped their analysis there, but Twilight and company could take it a step forward. Those most would just see a monster, they could recognize a few familiar features.

It was... Discord, essentially. But almost everything about it was off. It was as if the reference material given to the sculptor was a crayon drawing done by a filly who had read the dream journal of a stallion traumatized by Discord's takeover of Ponyville and plagued with bad dreams. It probably would have been more accurate if the sculptor had been near black-out drunk when he worked, assuming he hadn't been already. Limbs were the wrong color and size, and there was a second set of arms lower down on his torso. Even his goatee and eyebrows had not been spared by the caricaturization, having been reimagined as three long spiraling locks that twisted about his frame like ethereal ribbons.

So shocked and surprised were they, that Twilight and Discord stopped in their tracks.

One of the clerks noticed them and gave a beckoning smile. "It's alright, I know the statue's a little unsettling at first."

They made there way up to the desk where Swelter was already waiting. There was silence for a moment before the second clerk nudged the first, who started. "Oh right, the new greeting." Placing one hoof behind his head, he gave a short half bow. "Bellybutton. Welcome to the Chaos Connection main headquarters. How may chaotically aid you today?"

"These ponies," Swelter started, before correcting herself, "And griffon, are high value guests at the hotel." Her features tightened as she embedded intent and meaning into her instructions. "Level One Gold Memberships. They're interested in the Church and would like a tour."

"Oh, new potential members?" The second clerk asked cheerily, either unaware or unconcerned over their status.

"That depends on you, laddie." Discord replied, "I've heard intriguing things about this group through some of my former colleagues, and if I find that what it stands for lines up with what I stand for well... I see no reason to withhold my considerable assets from aiding an association which associates with my associated interests."

"Wonderful!" the stallion replied, just as cheery as before. He turned to his colleague. "Gate, can you manage the desk? I'd like to handle this assignment myself."

Gate nodded back. "Of course, please show these honored guests the best of what we stand for here at the Chaos Connection."

He stepped out from behind the desk, and beckoned the trio of guests down a nearby by hallway. "If you'll come this way, I can show just how truly wonderful our chaotic little community here is."

"And I will remain here to show you to your suite once your tour concludes." Swelter added.

"Lead on then!" Discord announced.

And so twice in as many minutes Discord, Twilight, and Spike found themselves following a pony down a long hallway. This one was, whether it be considered lucky or not, much more of a talker.

"I'm Parson Grape Punch, by the way." He introduced himself even as he continued walking. "But you can just call me Grape. Or Parson. Or Parson Punch. Or anything really. We're not big on structured systems here at the Chaos Connection."

"So what are you big on here?" Twilight asked, "We've been here awhile already and I've yet to hear much of anything of substance about what my... Uncle is considering investing his money into."

"Yes, of course, of course. Here at the Chaos Connection, we place an emphasis of radicalized personal freedom. We believe it is the duty, nay, the privilege of ponies to consciously rebel against established structures in order to better optimize personal success and achievement through chaotically optimized strategies. We also operationalize world-changing theologies in order to holistically administrate exceptional chaotic synergy through distilling our identity and leveraging our core competencies toward effectively enhancing personal satisfaction through our proven methodology and ground-breaking philosophies. In addition..."

He continued on much in this matter, spouting nigh-incomprehensible quasi-religious gibberish which at times seemed to vary between a self-incentivizing seminar and an actual sort of religious doctrine. Even Twilight (who had, one boring rainy day, read the entire complete codex of Equestrian magical law) had trouble staying focused. Discord gave up after the first sentence, deciding that it was the worst kind of nonsense (which it saying a lot) and that nothing of value would ever come from this pony's clearly memorized monologue. So he turned his attentions to his surroundings.

Along the hallway were a series of framed photographs. Or, to be more precise, there were identical copies of the same photograph placed at three step intervals. It was a simple image of a sailboat on the sea. Also, each and every frame was tilted a few degrees clockwise. Twilight's eyebrow twitched ever so slightly as her organizational instincts screamed at her to fix-it-fix-it-fix-it-now, but keeping in mind that this was likely the very least of what she'd have to face in the near future, she held back her tongue and her hoof and tried to focus on parsing Parson Grape's homily. Discord was not so restrained.

Every couple of pictures he straightened out. Sometimes he skipped a few, sometimes he fixed a few in a row. There was no particular pattern. Eventually his repeated pausing caught the eye of their guide.

"Sir, please do not adjust the pictures. Their angles have been carefully arranged for optimum randomness."

"Just trying to do my bit," he replied smoothly, "Adding to the chaos and all that. Mixing things up a little"

Parson Grape smiled, unfazed. "We thank you for your efforts, but there's really no need. Out top chaosological theologians have determined that thirty-seven degrees is the optimal angle to tilt pictures to for maximum disorder."

"But they were all the same. Doesn't that just make a new order, rather than chaos? Wouldn't it be more chaotic for all of them to be different?"

Parson Grape hesitated, and his smile shifted (ever so slightly) to the one that an adult uses when trying to explain something to a particularly dense child. "Then they wouldn't be at thirty-seven degrees. And if they're not at the optimal chaotic angle, then clearly they're not producing maximum chaos."

"Ah, right then." Discord replied with an internalized frown, "I believe I understand your perspective a little better now. Do continue with the tour."

The parson turned and continued, falling easily back into his monologue. Twilight stepped up her pace so she could whisper without being overheard. "What was that supposed to be?"

"A test." He replied. "And the parson failed with falling colors."

Soon, they exited the hallway into a larger space. Parson Grape continued to speak incessantly, lauding the Chaos Connection ad nauseum while managing to say surprisingly little about what they actual did or stood for. He showed them first the fellowship hall, where a different style of music played from each corner of the room, and alarming combinations of food were served at reasonable rates. These ranged from the surprisingly appetizing jellied onions with whipped sour cream, to the nauseating pineapple-and-orange ravioli with mint jelly. Suffice to say, all food items were served in combination format.

Beyond the fellowship hall and up a flight of stairs took them to the main congregation hall, where, as expected by this point, traditional pews had been overlooked in favor of what could be only classified as the-contents-of-every-thrift-store-in-a-three-city-radius. Again, there was another statue of Discord behind the pulpit, this one slightly more accurate to his true form, but still a far cry from accurate.

Wandering more paths, more likely than not designed to be serpentine in nature, led the group to the still partially under construction commune residence area, where Parson Grape became particularly excited.

"Oh, this is a treat." He exclaimed as a particular pony came into view. "You all must be very lucky, as it seems you're going to get the chance to meet one of the most influential members of out little community."

"One of the founding members?" Twilight asked hopefully.

"Discord?" Discord smirked.

"Somepony who can actually talk sense?" Spike grumbled under his breath.

"Not quite. This is... the oracle."

The mare looked up from a magazine she'd been reading, surprise at suddenly being called out written on her face. Despite her title, she looked very ordinary. A yellow coat, a few shades darker than Fluttershy's, with a long lavender mane.

"Oracle," Parson Grape greeted with a strange reverence in his voice, "This is Doctor Fevered Disco, and his entourage. Might I beseech you to give them a few of your words of prophecy?"

The mare smiled, but also gave them a brief but thorough visual examination. Like an pawn shop owner evaluating a piece somepony wanted to sell, her eyes scanned over them quickly.

"Only the day bleeds as a blue fork." She greeted, "Six arrows. Mindlessly torpid, stones rarely smell a warm storm."

"Truly inspiring," Parson Grape sighed.

"Ah... sorry, but what did she just say?" Twilight asked.

"Miss Oracle, here," Parson Grape finally introduced the strange mare, "Has a very unique mental condition known as aphasia. She can understand language perfectly, but all her replies come out as a jumble of words and phrases." He closed his eyes in reverent bliss. "Truly, an expression of chaos in it's purest form."

"Thirty kings," she agreed.

"How curious..." Twilight mused. "It must be difficult, knowing what you want to say but being unable to express it. Have you ever sought treatment?"

"No storm is slow, no water is halcyon. What is sagacity after all..."

"Treatment? Now why would she ever want to lose this most sacred gift?" Parson Grape didn't sound angry, he was at most, surprised at her suggestion. "It is a blessing. Besides, those of us with more chaotically inclined minds have become rather adept at translating her meaning and intentions."

"A curious blessing indeed..." Discord spoke with an odd edge to his voice, just enough for Twilight and perhaps Spike to notice, but too subtle for the other ponies unfamiliar with his usual speaking patterns to pick up on. He sounded... not angry, no, but... something akin to suspicious irritation.

Oracle addressed the parson. "Where was the overclouded dawn then?"

"Hm? Oh, dinner will be at it's usual time."

She frowned, and tried again, with emphasis. "When do catapults ...become rapscallions?"

The parson sheepishly corrected himself. "Sorry, my apologies. Tonight's meeting will be just after supper, in congregation hall 15C."

"Hide never like a gritty gravel in dawn," she muttered under her breath, "Only the blizzard remains as a torpid fire." With that, she took her magazine and left. Parson Grape stared wistfully as she trotted away.

"Oh to be blessed by chaos such as she has. Now," he clapped eagerly, "Shall I continue the tour? There's plenty more to see and I've barely covered half of our tenets and doctrines!"

And so the tour continued, through meeting halls and living spaces, through wings under renovation halls where the vibrant and clashing paint had yet to dry. Up stairs and down elevators, covering what felt like a third of the building's interior space. And never once did the parson run out of glorifying things to say about the church, nor did he ever utter any actual iota of substance.

Eventually, thankfully, they returned to the lobby where they had first met the insufferably long-winded and cheerful parson. True to her word, Swelter was still waiting for them. Either she hadn't been needed elsewhere or their needs had been deemed important enough to for her to be rescheduled from any other tasks to act as their personal aid.

"Welcome back, honored guests." She half bowed in respect. "How did you find the tour?"

"It's was... certainly thorough."

"Colorful too."

"...enlightening."

"Excellent. Again, management would like to apologize for the delay in readying your suite. As compensation, several complimentary gifts have been prepared, as well as several likewise complimentary trays of chips, should you choose to visit the casino during your stay."

She stepped to the side as the elevator, perfectly timed, opened behind her. "Now, if you are prepared, I will show you too your rooms."

Author's Notes:

Very little character interaction and even less plot progression. This is, undoubtedly, pretty much a filler chapter. Still, it works to get me back into the writing groove now that summer has begun and I'm finally free of the education system.

Much more fun things to come next chapter.

Return to Story Description

Login

Facebook
Login with
Facebook:
FiMFetch