Queue
by Tumbleweed
First published
Movie night! Twilight's got everything in place for a movie marathon slumber party. Now, if only they could agree what to watch ...
Movie night! Twilight's got everything in place for a movie marathon slumber party. Now, if only they could agree what to watch ...
More set in the EQG-verse! While it's in the same loose continuity with the rest of my EQG stuff, it's still a standalone, so you don't have to do any homework to get the jokes.
Chapter 1
“Screen?” Twilight looked at the white sheet hanging off the basement wall. “Check.”
“Projector?” She took a moment to fiddle with the faintly humming projector, making sure the little device was level and focused. Theoretically, it was the sort of projector that was really meant for powerpoint presentations, but Twilight figured this was a far more interesting application.
Twilight grabbed the monitor cable and plugged it neatly into the side of her computer. An image of her desktop (complete with periodic table wallpaper) clicked to life on the sheet-turned screen. “Check.”
This done, Twilight looked up from her laptop. “Audience?”
“Check!” The other girls in the room, sprawled out upon couches and cushions, broke into laughter.
“What's with the checklist?” Rainbow Dash said, “It's not like this is rocket surgery or something.”
Twilight blinked. “Rocket surgery's not even a--”
“It's so she doesn't forget anything important! Like what we're gonna eat!” Pinkie Pie bounded into the basement theater, arms clutched around a swaying tower of snacks. “Popcorn, check! Nachos, check! Chex mix, check!” The heavy aroma of melted butter wafted through the room as Pinkie laid out bowls and bags with all the practiced care of an arctic explorer planning their supply caches.
“I knew you'd take care of the concessions.” Twilight smiled, and marked off a box on her clipboard. “By the way, thanks for letting us have a movie night slumber party over here.”
“No problem!” Pinkie Pie said. “You know I'm always down for a party! Especially when everyone's having fun!” Her big blue eyes snapped from one friend to another with a speed borne of desparation. “You are having fun, right?”
“Cool it, Pinkie.” Applejack leaned back, and clasped her hands behind her head. “So long as all of us are hangin' out together, we're always gonna have fun.”
“So, uh, what're we gonna watch?” Rainbow Dash plopped down in a beanbag chair.
“Anything we want!” Twilight said with no small degree of pride. She made a few mouseclicks with a fencer's precision, and pulled up a bookmarked website. “I just got a subscription to Streamflix.”
“Streamflix?” Rainbow Dash tilted her head to the side, puzzled. “Is that just movies about rivers or something?”
“No.” Twilight grinned, and looked over at the bedsheet turned movie-screen as a grid of thumbnailed titles pulled up. “Streamflix is the newest, fastest movie streaming service with the deepest movie inventory. It's great!” She beamed, and then pushed her glasses further up her nose. “And, uh, coincidentally, there are a couple of Norwegian documentaries that are mostly uncut footage of river cruises, but that's just something that stems from the slow TV movement, which is actually a rather fascinating trend, especially since it feeds into a growing popular desire for some semblance of 'authenticity' in an increasingly commodified and artificial culture.”
“Twilight?” Sunset Shimmer said, even as a smile graced her soft features. “You're lecturing again.”
“Oh, uh, sorry.”
“That's alright. It's kind of cute.”
Twilight flushed. “Uh. Anyway. What I was trying to say is, I didn't really plan just what we would watch-- I figured we could just scroll through what's available and see what's on display.”
“Sounds good.” Sunset Shimmer said. “I mean, I haven't been in this dimension very long, so I haven't seen … really, any movies, to be honest. It's all new to me.”
“Gasp!” Rarity said the full word. “In that case, we absolutely must begin your cinematic education! Scroll on, Twilight!”
Twilight nodded, pulled a bluetooth remote out of her bag, and started clicking through Streamflix's selection. Rows and rows of movie posters marched from one side of the screen to the other. It wasn't long before Rainbow Dash lunged forward, spilling popcorn in all directions.
“That one! That one! That one!” Rainbow Dash pointed at the screen. “Play that movie! It's awesome!”
“Er, which one?” Twilight said.
“That one!” Rainbow Dash ran to the screen and pointed. “Gargantulon vs. The Mutant Ape! That movie is awesome!”
“That movie is terrifying.” Fluttershy said in a very small voice.
“Aw, c'mon!” Rainbow Dash said. “It's just a dude in a monkey suit wrestling a bug puppet!”
“Puppets are scary.” Fluttershy clutched a pillow to her chest and hid behind it. “So are guys in suits. “
“Aw, c'mon Fluttershy!” Rainbow Dash said. “We've saved the world before! Multiple times! From actual magic monsters! And you're saying you're afraid of some guy in a suit?”
“Yes.” Fluttershy said.
“I'll have to keep that in mind next time I try to take over the world.” Sunset said.
Her six best friends stared at her.
“Kidding!” Sunset held her hands up, perhaps to show she wasn't hiding any objects of unimaginable arcane power. “Just kidding. Jeez.”
“Besides, those monster movies are really, really inaccurate.” Fluttershy changed the subject, much to the relief of everyone else in the room. “Real gorillas are peaceful vegetarians. They never try to eat Tokyo.”
“But that's why it's a mutant ape.” Rainbow spoke slowly, as if explaining to a small child or a large tourist. “Besides, by the end of the movie, Gargantulon and the Mutant Ape team up to fight Emperor Destructor!”
“Perhaps.” Rarity held up a slim hand, “we should watch something else? Especially since Rainbow Dash has gone and spoiled the ending of her movie for us.”
“Pssh.” Rainbow Dash crossed her arms over her chest. “Like you could find something cooler than a Gargantulon movie.”
“In fact, I could.” Rarity's eyes flicked to the screen, and went starry as she zeroed in on a title. “Look! They have La Belle Dame sans Merci!”
“La whatnow?” Applejack turned to peer suspiciously at Rarity.
“La Belle Dame sans Merci.” Even the title was enough to make Rarity sigh. She let her mouth linger around the words, savoring them like wine. “It's a French noir film, about a young woman who is dragged into a life of crime, and how she transforms herself from a mere innocent to a true femme fatale. It's a tale of lust and lies and murder and mystery, and all the other things you need for a gripping story. It's filmed exquisitely, and that's before you get into the costuming. You'd think the black and white format would detract from the wardrobe, but it's all filmed so exquisitely you wouldn't even notice. And the hats! Oooh.” She trailed off into a little shiver, and rubbed her arms.
“Y'all into some weird stuff, Rarity.” Applejack said.
“Oh please.” Rarity huffed. “I'm just trying to inject a little culture into our evening. You're just going to suggest some meaningless, bloody western, aren't you?”
“Hey! Blood River ain't all that bloody!” Applejack glared.
“Whoa, Blood River? Sounds like a slasher flick.” Rainbow Dash beamed, and leaned forward. “Cool!”
“It ain't a horror flick.” Applejack grumbled. “It's just called Blood River 'cuz it's set 'round the Blood River, which is an actual place out west. There's clay at the bottom of the riverbed, so it looks red. It ain't actually bloody. Uh, except for the one part where the rustler gets shot while tryin' to cross the river, but that's just like, a metaphor or somethin'.”
“Please.” Rarity jutted her chin upward at a defiant angle. “One heavyhanded set piece does not make that film (to use the term loosely) anything more than a glorified game of Cowboys and Indians.”
“Joke's on you, there ain't any Indians in Blood River!”
“Uhm.” Fluttershy murmured. “Isn't the proper term 'Native Americans?'”
“When you're talkin' 'bout real people, sure.” Applejack said. “But when they're in a western, they're Indians. Heck, most of the actors playin' 'em are just stuntmen in makeup. Not real Lakota or Comanche.”
“Look,” Sunset Shimmer leaned forward, putting her hands on her denim-clad knees. “Maybe we should find something else?”
“Fine.” Rarity and Applejack murmured in unison.
“Anyone else have any suggestions?” Twilight said.
“Ooooh, oooh, I know!” Pinkie Pie raised a hand. “We should watch Butt Town!”
The other six stared at her.
“I … don't think Streamflix carries, uh, 'adult' movies.”
“Whaddya mean?” Pinkie Pie blinked, guileless. “All those movies look like they star grown ups to me!”
“She means porn, Pinkie.” Rainbow Dash said. “We're not gonna watch porn.”
Twilight blushed, but nodded. “Thank you, Rainbow--”
“You gotta wait 'til it's stupid late before you watch a porno with your friends, duh.” Rainbow Dash continued.
Twilight just stared.
“Oh, Dashie, you're so silly!” Pinkie Pie said. “Butt Town's not a sexy movie-- it's a comedy! About butts!”
“What.” Rarity said.
“It's great! Like, you know all those movies that say 'what if animals could talk?' or 'what if toys could talk?' or 'what if toasters could talk?' Butt Town is like that, only with butts!”
The room went quiet.
“It's great!” Pinkie Pie continued. “Cause, like, everyone's butt can talk, but we can't understand their language, so to normal, non-butt people, it just sounds like farting!” She broke down into hysterical laughter, kicking her feet in the air.
“Let's, um … let's call that a 'backup' option.” Twilight said as politely as she could manage.
“Aw. Okay!” Pinkie Pie sat up again, and wiped tears from the corners of her eyes. “Butt Town is so funny, though!"
“Good call.” Sunset said, “Twilight, do you have any ideas?”
“Uh. Well.” Twilight scratched at the back of her head. “Maybe? But I don't think any of you guys would like it.”
“Aw, go on.” Sunset said.
“Well, uh. We could watch Cornerstone?” Twilight said.
“What's that?” Sunset Shimmer said.
“It's a movie from the 80's, based on a series of famous-- or, well, they used to be famous –novels from the golden age of science fiction. The whole series spans thousands of years, but the first book is fairly well self contained. It's about a school that's set up on a remote planet with the goal of creating the Encyclopedia Galactica-- which sounds boring, I know, but it's actually fascinating! To … some people, at least. The movie never took off like the producers thought it would, so it leaves a lot of dangling plot lines for sequels that never happened. But if you've read the books, it makes a lot more sense!”
“Uh. We haven't read the books.” Rainbow Dash said.
“I know.” Twilight's shoulders slumped.
“Hey, maybe later?” Sunset patted Twilight on the shoulder. “I'll have to track down a copy of the book first, though.”
“You can borrow mine!” Twilight said, perhaps with a little too much enthusiasm. Realizing her sudden outburst, she blinked, blushed, and cleared her throat. “I mean. Uh. Anyway. Cornerstone's probably out. Anyone else have any suggestions?”
“Um.” Fluttershy murmured. “Do they have The Songbird Princess? We could watch The Songbird Princess.”
“Aw, c'mon Fluttershy. You've watched that movie like a million times!”
“It's just one of my favorites from when I was little, that's all.”
“I know. Every time it rained, I'd wind up at your place and you'd put in the DVD and then you'd always cry when the bluebird dies--”
“It's so sad!” Fluttershy sniffled, and wiped at her eyes with the sleeve of her baggy green sweater.
Rainbow Dash just rolled her eyes. “Even though you've seen it before, and you know the stupid bird comes back once Princess whats-her-face remembers how to love and sings a song about it. Barf.”
“I- I thought you liked that movie.” Fluttershy's voice quavered, more than usual.
“I did. Back in, like, kindergarten.”
“But what about all those times we watched it?”
“I only did that 'cause I wanted to hang out with you, and 'cause we were stuck inside, duh.” Rainbow Dash said. “But with everyone here, we should watch something, y'know. Cooler.”
“The Songbird Princess is cool.” Fluttershy said, defensive.
“No she's not, she doesn't even have a motorcycle!” Rainbow Dash shot back.
“Hey, stop pickin' on Fluttershy.” Applejack glared across the room at Rainbow Dash.
“I'm not picking on her! I'm just saying her sappy cartoon princess movie is for babies.”
“I'm not a baby!” Fluttershy started to bawl.
“Oh, now you've done it.” Rarity glared daggers at Rainbow Dash, and scooted over to pull Fluttershy into a comforting hug. “There there, darling. Rainbow Dash isn't trying to be mean. She's just angry because nobody wants to watch her silly monster movie.”
“Gargantulon isn't silly!” Rainbow Dash said. “Or, well … I guess it is, 'cause it's just a Japanese puppet smashing cardboard buildings, but that's awesome.”
“I'm tellin' y'all, Blood River's actually worth watchin'. Better n' some fancy pants black n' white flick, anyway.”
“Applejack, you have the artistic sensibilities of a Philistine.” Rarity huffed.
“I got the artistic sensin' of an American, that's what.”
“Same thing!” Rarity said.
“Hey, why don't we stop arguing and watch Butt Town?” Pinkie Pie said.
“NO!” Several voices said in unison.
“Everyone, stop it!” Sunset Shimmer's voice echoed from the walls of Pinkie's basement-turned-theater. “We're friends, remember? You all like different things, and that's okay! You can't just let something silly like 'what movie to watch' turn you against each other like this. And even if we don't wind up picking your favorite movie, it's important to keep an open mind, because you might actually find something new that you really like.”
“Aw jeez, you're right.” Rainbow Dash scratched at the back of her head. “Sorry, Fluttershy. I didn't know that movie meant so much to you.”
“It … it's okay.” Fluttershy sniffled. “If I'd known you didn't like it, I wouldn't have kept on making you watch it.”
“And I … suppose there may be some artistic merit in the western genre.” Rarity said to Applejack.
“And people still get shot in your fancy pants French movie, right?” Applejack mused.
“Quite a few.” Rarity said with a little grin.
“Butt Town is really funny, you guys.” Pinkie Pie added on. “But maybe we can watch it later!”
“Hey Sunset?” Twilight looked up from her laptop. “Why don't you pick what movie we watch? We'll all agree to whatever you pick, so that way we can stop fighting over it.”
“That's a great idea, Twilight.” Rarity said.
“I like it too.” Fluttershy said. “Just … try not to pick anything too scary?”
“Works for me. Sunset's bound to pick something rad, right?” said Rainbow Dash.
“I'm just tired of all this fussin'. Might as well get a movie goin' already.”
“Woo, movie!” Pinkie Pie said.
“Alright then.” Twilight presented the remote like it was the prize on a daytime game show. “The choice is yours, Sunset.”
Sunset Shimmer nodded, and clicked through the options until she found the button she was looking for.
RANDOM
Epilogue
“What's this movie called again?” Rainbow Dash sprawled out on a couch, feet propped up against the headrest and her head dangling over the side so she watched the screen from an upside-down perspective.
”Slow Boat to Helgstafjorden.” Twilight noted.
“Gesundheit.” Said Applejack from her corner.
“And how much more is there?” Rainbow Dash fidgeted.
Twilight looked down at her laptop, checking a number in the corner. “A hundred and twenty six hours.”
“You mean a hundred and twenty six minutes, right?” Rainbow Dash stared at the screen, filled by the prow of a ship sedately crawling its way up a pastoral (if somewhat bleak) river valley.
“No, it's a hundred and twenty six hours.” Twilight said. “Like I said, it's part of the 'Slow TV' movement. They, uh, filmed it in realtime.”
“Real boring time.” Rainbow Dash said.
“Hey guys, wha'd I miss?” Pinkie Pie bounced in from the direction of the bathroom, and then plopped down on a cushion directly at the foot of the screen. She looked up at the image of a boat's bow cutting through the water with rapt attention. She immediately picked up a gallon-sized styrofoam cup and started slurping away at the soda within.
“There was a seagull.” Rarity said.
“Auk.” Fluttershy corrected her.
Rarity blinked in confusion. “Beg pardon?”
“It wasn't a seagull, it was an auk.” Fluttershy murmured. “You can tell by the coloration.”
Rarity considered this, and nodded. “In that case, I suppose I'll have to take your word for it.”
“Aw, c'mon guys!” Pinkie Pie flopped backwards with a squeak. “Don't make this auk-ward!” She devolved into helpless giggles. “Get it? Get it?”
“Unfortunately.” Rarity deadpanned.
“So when do the pirates show up?” Rainbow Dash said. “There are like, pirates in Norway, right?”
Twilight rubbed at the bridge of her nose. “Rainbow, when's the last time you saw a pirate movie that took place in the arctic circle?”
“Oh yeeeeeah.” Rainbow Dash said. “I guess Norway doesn't have pirates.”
Twilight smiled, taking satisfaction at having educated her friend. “That's right, Rainbow--”
“Norway has vikings!” Rainbow Dash said, triumphantly.
Twilight opened her mouth. Thought the better of it. Closed her mouth.
“You know,” Sunset Shimmer offered, diplomatically, “we can watch something else. I mean, I don't expect to watch all hundred-something hours of this.”
“No way! I don't wanna miss the vikings!” Rainbow Dash squeaked.
“Besides, there's a certain … pastoral quality to this.” Rarity said. “Hypnotic, even. There's aren't any characters or plot to speak of, but the cinematography is quite well done. Why, the picture's so clear it almost makes me feel like I'm there myself! Brrh.” She gave a shiver, and proceeded to scoot next to Applejack, casually draping one of the farmgirl's arms over her shoulder as she cuddled in for warmth.
“Uh.” Applejack said.
Rarity rolled her eyes. “Don't fuss. You were simply the closest, darling. Plus, I imagine your peak physical condition makes you into a veritable furnace.”
“Kay?” Applejack said.
“Now now,” Rarity flicked a purple lock of hair behind her ear. “Don't think I'm being presumptive. If I wanted to get fresh, you would notice.”
“I guess you are pretty noticeable.” Applejack sank down a little lower in her seat, grateful for the shadows cast by the projector.
“Get a room you two!” Rainbow Dash said with a mild cackle.
Applejack said nothing. Instead, she used her free hand to hurl a pillow at Rainbow Dash with enough force to send the other girl toppling to the floor.
“Ooof!” No sooner had Rainbow Dash's face hit the carpet, she flailed herself back into an upright position. “That's it! Pillow fight!” She seized a couch cushion and launched herself acrosss the room. Rarity, in the unenviable position of being between the two combatants, only had enough time to let out an undignified squeal of dismay before Rainbow crashed into them hard enough to send their corner of the segmented couch toppling over.
“Oh, please stop!” Fluttershy said, aghast. “Someone could get hurt!”
“Yeah, keep it down!” Pinkie Pie said without taking her eyes off the screen. “You're gonna miss the good part!”
“Should we do something?” Twilight held a hand up to her mouth. “I feel like we should do something.”
“They'll be fine.” Sunset Shimmer said.
“Don't touch the hair!” Rarity shrilled, and suddenly the designer was on top of the pile with a pillow in each hand, raining feather-filled blows on Applejack and Rainbow Dash like an ambidextrous lumberjack. “You don't know how long it takes to get it like this!”
“Probably fine.” Sunset Shimmer added.
“This is a disaster.” Twilight sighed.
“Please.” Sunset said. “Nobody's bleeding, nothing's on fire, and there aren't any ancient magical monsters threatening to destroy the world. That already puts us ahead of most of the times we all get together.”
“You have a point there.” Twilight said.
Before long, Rarity's vanity overrode her rage, and she abandoned her assault, dropping her pillows in favor of an emergency hairbrush she produced out of her purse. She retreated to seat herself beside Fluttershy (which was always Swiss-like neutral territory in these matters, per unanimous unspoken agreement). “If you ruffians are quite finished, I shall be enjoying the movie.” She noted, primly.
“Jeez, Applejack.” Rainbow Dash turned a wry grin on her friend. “Your girlfriend's weird.”
“You take that back!” And Applejack launched herself back at Rainbow Dash as 'pillow fight' progressed to more of a wrestling match. Thankfully, there weren't any folding chairs or turnbuckles available.
“Is Applejack mad Rainbow called Rarity weird?” Twilight mused aloud. “Or because she called Rarity her girlfriend?”
“It's probably better if we don't ask.”
“SSSSSSH.” Pinkie Pie turned and glared at the battling pair. “I'm trying to watch the movie. Keep it down!”
“Uh.” Applejack paused, mid-headlock.
“She started it!” Rainbow Dash wriggled free and pointed an accusatory finger at her blonde friend.
“Besides,” Pinkie Pie turned back to the rolling boat footage. “Everyone knows that if you're gonna have a real slumber party pillow fight, you've got to do it in sexy underwear. Duh!”
“Wait, what?” Rainbow Dash said.
“On second thought, let's just watch the dang movie.” Applejack acquired a bowl full of chips and clambered back onto the couch. That she happened to sit on the other side of Rarity was entirely coincidental, of course.
And so, the seven girls settled in to watch as the good ship Knuttson made its steady way up the Norwegian coast. Great rocky crags passed by on the right side of the screen, with open sea on the left, and the ship's bow railing in the middle. Every so often a bird would flap by, or a dolphin would surface, and Fluttershy would let out a delighted squeak and identify the animal, its favorite food, typical habitat, and mating habits.
“It's like we're watching the Nature channel.” Rainbow Dash said.
“Oooooh, could we?” Fluttershy clasped her hands together and looked at her friend, starry-eyed. “They just released a new documentary on deep-sea blobfish that I've been wanting to watch!”
“Maybe later?” Rainbow Dash offered.
“I'd like that.”
“You know,” Sunset Shimmer said, “I think this turned out well. I mean, who cares what the movie is, so long as we all can spend time together?”
“So do you want to watch Cornerstone next time?” Twilighed asked. She might've been blushing. Slightly.
“We'll see.” Sunset patted the back of Twilight's hand, and looked over the rest of their friends as, one by one, they began to doze off. “But right now, I think we're better off with the random button.”
“Because by leaving things up to chance it's kind of like embracing our destiny and learning more about friendship like you guys usually do?” Twilight said.
“Maybe?” Sunset turned her gaze back to the screen. “I was thinking it just lets us avoid an argument.”
“I guess that works too."