It's so hard not to smile like the royal I have conditioned myself to behave like, so the mutterings in the back of my skull do not appear to trouble me at all, so they don't hurt anypony and make themselves known.

Your smile is so free, so uneven. It kills the hollowness I have, just for a while I can forget myself more and more.

Ever since I was a filly, I was frightened and as I grew, I became like a pot that can no longer contain the flower within: a small speck amidst a sea of gnawing emptiness, with the perfectly tailored mask to hide it all.

I am a creature of order, and once, of the Harmony I still preach to my ponies. Yet your chaos is a welcome distraction from everything.

I love you. I love the light I bring forth each day. I love my little ponies, my niece, Twilight Sparkle, and my sister.

Despite all this love, without ponies or any other soul beside me, I feel empty. A faint pulse that highlight a space in myself that should or might have been filled by something I can't bear to acknowledge. It's like part of me is - was - mortal, and has left so long ago.

This part of me I cannot ever say is real, I fight it the way light overcomes darkness: a bright and beautiful distraction to strangle out all that is impure.

The strange corner of an otherwise perfect mind feels almost like a contradiction, something soft and whispery that tells me little things I can't feel I understand, mostly because I do not want to.

You know that Luna was the Element of Honesty and how when we were all so young and innocent together I would tell Luna little white lies. I loved watching her smile when I told her something to make her feel better.

It could last. So much can last on lies. Twilight Sparkle has written so much of the supposed virtue of honesty to me and every time I read those letters I can't fathom why somepony would want to have honesty so much. Honesty hurts. It hurts more than most things in this world.

I don't feel like myself when I think these things, so I say that the voices think them.

They do.

I don't want to hurt ponies like a tyrant does, so even though many consider honesty a virtue, I do not correct them. I want everypony to be happy in Equestria, if reasonably possible. There is no happiness that can be gained with honesty and one day I wish that this encouragement of honesty in all ways goes as well. Honesty must be small if it is to exist at all.

I remember that after Luna and I lost the Elements, I lied more than ever.

I started to look at myself, briefly. We're all like drawings with different lines, features, and outlines of black and white. Some lines are bold, some thin.

Drawings can be erased, painted over, altered, and even destroyed.

I gained such a fascination with lies after that. It feels so good to make other ponies happy, to see them believe things.

How can those things be lies? Lies were supposed to be 'bad'. I hear many parents say these things to their children and many parts of me don't understand what this is supposed to mean.

It's not kind to tell the truth, and as a former Element of Kindness, I would know what is cruel to ponies and honesty is one of the cruelest things I know.

Honesty hurts everypony, and who would want to hurt ponies except somepony who was cruel?

Sometimes, I don't know what goes on in this mind of mine. It's quite funny, actually. Nopony would ever know because I'm very good at being a princess.

Life is so surreal, even without you, my dear. There's times when I don't feel like I'm in it, but my mask keep smiling because I don't want anypony to worry or see what I'm really like, including you and everypony else.

Every time I wake up, I feel as if I'm a different me.

I'm not refreshed, or rested. I'm not sure who I am at times, just that I have to be Princess Celestia, who is a princess beloved by everypony.

That means that when I go to sleep it's like dying, except there's only a foggy, and everyday oblivion for that day's Celestia.

Is it so strange that I feel nothing at all towards my own life, but vow to protect the lives of others?

It's like all the voices: each and every one of them is me, or Celestia. At times it can be hard to tell who is who.

I don't know myself, but I know everypony else. Luna, you, Twilight, Cadance, and others. You are the ones who tell me who I am supposed to be, and I love that.

But I don't need to fear the voices anymore.

I don't need to feel anything unless somepony tells me to. Some of the Celestias know what they're doing and that helps.

But they all love the same ponies, and believe the same things.

With company like you, I know who I am no matter what I go through because with the company I keep, I'll never have to remember myself. Only Celestia and all the things I know about her.

Discord, I love you and your chaos with all of Celestia's heart because no matter who I am or where my mind is, you've always been an anchor in all this even though nopony - not you, not Luna - absolutely nopony will know about anything beyond Celestia's mask. She loves you and everypony else too much to tell the truth.

Maybe tomorrow's princess will feel more like Celestia.

But she'll still love you. Next Chapter: Past Skies Estimated time remaining: 3 Minutes