Prologue

Author's Notes:

Hopefully this doesn't end up being as cringe as I think it might.

Princess Luna sat in the throne room and silently waited for her sister’s return. Hopefully with positive news of the assault on the human settlement. She heard the gate creak open. In stepped not Princess Celestia, but a messenger pony. “Princess, I bear horrible news.”

“No… It’s not that, that’s impossible.”

“Princess Celestia was killed in the attack,” said the messenger. Luna sat there, stunned. “I’m sorry.” The messenger quickly vacated the room.

Luna slouched forward seemingly under the sudden wright of the news. Her head hung in defeat and sadness. But then she heard a voice in the back of her head. “You want revenge, don’t you?”

“I do not,” Luna replied, “It’s best I just continue to lead myself.”

“She was your sister you have known your whole life. We both know you want to avenge her. WIth her gone, we can rule together. It’ll be the best for both of us.” That made Luna pause and think for just a moment. It was just enough for the demon to get a small foothold.

Nightmare whispered some other evil shit and she possessed Luna again because I give up on plot man, I’m sorry. Nightmare moon summoned a few of her bat pony soldiers and magically materialized an anime-sized crescent moon scythe. They took out the guards with ease as they made their way to the teleporter room. She set it to a random location in the same country because she was too drunk on her own villainy to make a real plan. But her real objective was to enslave humanity and ponies alike, starting with the former. She also had plans to turn the humans into ponies (yes that’s just there so I can get this into the TCB folder, don’t tell aight?)

Nightmare and her troops landed in what looked like a barren desert but her eyes caught a faint, faraway light in the night. A human settlement. “Looks like a good first target. Let’s get moving,” said Nightmare. But little did they know they had already been detected.

Well Regulated...?

“You see ‘em, Jim?”
“Yeah, I can see ‘em, Dave.” The militants laid low in Arizona’s limited shrubbery.
“Ya think them’s is ISIS with the nigger colors?”

“Might be. Think we can take ‘em?”

“Just us two? Wouldn’t count on it. Looks like they’re headed to Phoenix. We should warn the others.”

“Good idea.” The pair stood up and made a run back to HQ, which was really just a small, raggedy house in the middle of friggin' nowhere with old communications stuff. Jim told the other beer-drinkers inside the house about the situation and broadcasted the news over the radio “This is patrol squad 5 to any available minutemen, we have spotted possible IS fighters making their way south to Phoenix along 85. They’ll hit Why (Yes, there is actually a town southwest of Phoenix called fucking Why.) soon.”

A group of militants about one-hundred strong arrived at the northeast outskirts of Oracle and set up crude fighting positions by digging holes and trenches, throwing some sandbags in front of them, and setting up the few class 3 .50 caliber machine guns they had. Self-proclaimed sappers planted bags of ammonium nitrate on the sides of the highways, praying the explosions wouldn’t make potholes that they would have to explain to insurance companies. Everyone got in position and settled in. With time to spare, a militant leader donning a distinctive Multicam® cowboy hat began a patriotic speech.
“Alright, we got some Da’esh, ISIS, ISIL, whatever coming up that highway and they want to take yer freedom as Americans! Now normally we are the US’ backup plan and we would call the police for a situation like this but the nearest station is like 30 minutes away and the National Guard doesn’t exactly have an instant-service phone number. So we’re gonna have to take care of this on our own. It is our chance to prove ourselves! Do not retreat! Do not falter! THIS IS WHAT THE FATHER, THE SON, THE HOLY SPIRIT, AND ALL THE OTHER DIVINE MOTHERFUCKERS ASK OF YOU! FIGHT FOR LIFE, LIBERTY, AND THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS! HOORAH!” There was cheering and plenty of ‘amen’s.’

Nightmare Moon noticed the vegetation up ahead. “Finally, some greenery. All this sand was becoming an eyesore.” And then the greenery started fucking shooting at her. Three of fifteen of her guards went down. Nightmare summoned a force field and quickly flew upwards, but not before her whole front was turned into swiss cheese by at least twenty different caliber bullets. Her guards tried to follow suit but one of the rounds struck the ammonium nitrate sack at the side of the road, killing eight more. She ordered the remaining four to follow her and evacuate.

Nightmare Moon returned to Equestria to pick up a fresh supply of 66 more guards for a total of 70 and military camp supplies. Teleporting such a distance drained magic so she wanted to set up an impromptu base. The building started and they were preparing for a second attack but none of them knew the rednecks were also planning a counter-attack.

Press 0 To Dial THE OPERATOR (Skip this, it's just for consistency)

Most of the militants were saying they saw her go northwest. They had no way of knowing how far though. The militia leader’s idea was to call up their equivalent of special forces consisting of veterans, ex-law enforcement, and geardos that spend too much time doing shooting drills. They were given a brief by the leader, “Head northwest and stop at any towns to ask the residents if they saw anything. If you find they had made a base, gather information and photos. We’ll pass it on to the National Guard and hope they believe us. And if you see anyone that looks important, kill them.” The operators headed home to clean their suppressed, 300. Blk, flat-top, piston, SBR, with PMAGs and Delta Aimpoint AR-15’s. They were to set out a little after dawn.

They combed their God-like beards as a last minute preparation and boarded the raggedy-ass pickup truck and were soon headed down the highway. They went north and turned west at Gila Bend to get on highway 8. Their first stop was Theba.

An operator knocked on a random door. A man came out and greeted them. The operator asked “Did you happen to see anything strange fly over town last night?” The man said he didn’t. The team continued this process door-to-door.

“Did you see a-”

“WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!?”

After asking many residents, most agreed they were too directly north for the escapee to have passed over. Next stop was sentinel. After much asking, they found a few people that said saw something, so now they knew they were heading the right direction. They tried asking at Quartzsite but no one said they saw anything so the team concluded that they had to be east of 95 and somewhere between 10 and 8 and began an offroad search.

General McFuckit was sitting in his command tent at the base they set up secluded in the desert when he felt the need to take a piss break. He was making his way to a random spot in the desert when one of bushes sprouted legs and ran at him. His final thoughts were “What is with this world and the plants being so hosti-”

The operator remembered this wasn’t a video game and that stabbing screaming people isn’t exactly as stealthy as you’d want it to be.

“GODDAMMIT CARL! You compromised us.” No one actually cared because 1. Guns vs. swords and 2. They could finally use their experience. One of the operators recalled what Dynamic Pie taught him. He synchronized the manual of arms with the earth’s rotation and executed a magflip. The magazine boomerang’d to the other side of the camp. “Ouch!” “Ow.” “The hell was that?” “Ach, mein bein.” And a slew of other strange and unique phrases echoed from the other side. The rest was just boring shooting. National Guard did what National Guard does and took care of the rest ok let’s get into the finale.

Author's Notes:

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Battle Against a True Patriot

Nightmare Moon was upset at the base being turned into a crater but it didn’t matter, they found out where the president resided. She flew to DC and landed in front of the White House. “Mr. President! I am here to-” monologuing “Will you surrender or dare challenge me?” The President, the man himself, Donald J. Trump stepped out. He wore a red ‘Make America Great Again’ hat.

“Alright, now I don’t know who you are or even what you are, but I’d bet a small loan of a million dollars that you came here illegally and are dead set on taking our jobs and ruining our way of life as Americans. But I won’t let you do that! Right now, I can feel everyone’s patriotism flowing through me and we all have one mission: To defeat you! I, Donald Trump, will deport you!” Cameras were trained on the scene. The whole world was watching.

Trump summoned a double-ended spear with the American flag secured on the top end. He dashed to Nightmare Moon and an epic battle of Moon vs. Sun ensued. The Nightmare blocked a strike with her scythe and was stricken with disbelief. “Wh-who are you, old man…?”

He replied “I am the one that makes America great.” Trump leapt back and planted his flag into the ground. The earth began to split open and a fire erupted from the crevice. The Nightmare was singed but flew upwards before any serious damage was done.

Nightmare moon swooped down and reared her scythe back to prepare a swing. When she was within a meter, she thought she had him but the president yelled "TRUMP WALL!" and she was met with a brick wall to the face. Nightmare moon rebounded off it and was dizzy but still unharmed. She readied a second attack. Two magic runes appeared beside her. They glowed and then shot out multiple tendril-like president-seeking projectiles. Trump sprouted pure white wings of an archangel from his back and flew to evade the attack. He rolled and turned sharply out of the way.

Trump aimed the star-spangled banner at his enemy and threw it at an incredible speed. Nightmare Moon couldn’t block this one and was impaled through the stomach. But she wasn’t done yet. She pulled out the spear and it flew back into the President’s grasp.

He said “Heh, you’re a tough one aren’t ya? I never thought I’d have to use this. Prepare to witness my true power!” He took his hat off and threw it to the side. The sunlight reflected off his golden hair. It was beautiful like the endless fields of tall wheat on the US’ most fertile soil. His hair began to glow brightly and electric sparks started to zap around him. Suddenly, a flash of light enveloped Trump and he had mysteriously gotten longer, spiky hair. He raised a finger at Nightmare moon and simply said two words. “You’re fired.” A massive red, white, and blue beam shot out of Trump’s finger. Nightmare Moon could not escape the wall of freedom in time. "CURSE YOOOUUU!" She was disintegrated in the blast.

Trump put his hat back on and a lion joined his side. He mounted the beast and rode to the cheering crowd, high-fiving them and being showered in gifts and flowers. Trump's lion grew wings and they flew off into the sunset. Don't worry though, they came back, he still has a job to do.